Episode 4 Ja'mie: Private School Girl

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

'Dad went and picked up Kwami, the African guy...

GIRLS SQUEAL

My wife, Jhyll, and I are agreeable for everything.

Bye-bye.

'..and he came to live with us. For a month.'

Don't sit there or there, that's me and Dad.

As if he's gonna eat that. Yuck!

'He's staying in my sister's room.'

-Get out!

-You don't have to be a fucking bitch.

Well, don't fucking come in when Kwami's in here, you fucking perv!

'He had an awesome day at Hillford.'

What kind of girls are you into?

Would you go other races or are you, like, strictly black?

Everyone was really excited about the Perfect Prefect Party.

-Do you want Ja'mie to flash her tits?

-Shut up!

Fucking bitch! I am not doing it. I'm not a full sluzza.

'And it ended up being the funnest and most epic night ever.'

Get back inside! Get out of the party!

Seriously, I told you! It's a no-parent party.

'We had a few hiccups with the boarders turning up uninvited.'

The Facebook event said all Year 12s.

Yeah, everyone except Asians and boarders -

it goes without fucking saying!

'But I told them where to go.'

Go away, or I'll get my dad to fucking bash the shit out of you!

-You are NOT fat...!

-I FUCKING HATE YOU!

'And the best news of all is that

'I hooked up with Mitchell at the party,

'and now we're officially going out.'

GIRLS SQUEAL

I'm going out with Mitchell! Yolo!

THEME MUSIC PLAYING

SAMANTHA JADE: "What You've Done To Me"

# Sometimes you get what you want

# Sometimes you get what you don't...#

Oh, my God. He's calling me.

Hi, Mitchy!

Oh, my God!

Mitchell! Hey.

# Till there's nothing at all...#

Omigod, he's got the ball!

# You shot your love through my defences

# And left me wide open

# Feels like my feet can't touch the ground

-# That's what you've done to me... #

-Show me how to do it.

# I'm a rocket to the sun

# I'm a heartbeat on the run

# That's what you've done to me

# I'm a bullet I can fly

# When you kiss me, I could die

-# That's what you've... #

-I wanna perm your hair again.

# ..done to me. #

Goodnight.

Having a boyfriend is the best.

It's so good. I'm so into him.

I just can't stop thinking about him.

And, like, we're really compatible, like, looks-wise. We're both quiche.

And I know it's only been, like, a week, but I just...

I just love him so much. He's the best.

Like, at the moment, like, we finish each other's sentences.

I'll say something and we'll be, like, "Bla-bla-bla" at the same time. It's so cute!

And you know what I love the most? I love his face.

Like, his whole fucking face.

He's got, like, the bushy eyebrows and the chin and...

It's such a cute face.

Omigod, and he gets these little salivary bits on, like,

the corners of his mouth and I have to, like, wipe it off.

It's so cute. His nose is so... Like, have a look at this photo.

Like, see that photo there? See how his nose kind of goes up?

It's like... It's like that.

It's a little piggy, but it's kind of, like, quiche piggy.

Do you know what I mean?

And you know what I love too? His Facebook...

Um, check this out.

"In a relationship with Ja'mie King."

-Oh, my God!

-KISSES NOISILY

Fucking love you so much.

That's shit cray.

Have you done all your homework?

It's not a homework night. It's study night.

Do you know what my favourite body part of Mitchell is?

Have a guess.

His thighs. I fucking love his thighs.

They're so fucking hot.

Like, I went to Westfield the other day

and he was walking around with his short shorts on.

And I was, like... I was looking at his thighs

and I was, like,

"Ohhhh! Oh, my God."

Do you know what I mean? It's, like, I was so aroused.

-Ja'mie.

-What?

-Off the bed.

You should be studying, not lazing around all afternoon.

Kwami, get to your own room. No more visiting each other's rooms.

I'm reading to him. That's why he's in here. I'm educating him.

You can do that in the living room.

I'm not going to the fucking living room.

Courtney's in there, and she smells.

Kwami, get on Courtney's computer and Skype me.

I'm gonna read to you over Skype.

-Um, Daddy...

-What?

Tomorrow, would it be cool if Mitchell came to Bunnings with us?

No. Not tomorrow, darl.

-Pwease, Daddy? Ja'mie want him to.

-No. Study.

You need those marks for uni, Ja'mie.

Stop being a hater.

We'll decide tomorrow, OK?

Um, last time I'm letting you in my room.

I'm getting a lock on the door.

Kwami, get on Skype now. I'm gonna read to you.

And no offence, Dad, but you're a massive bastard.

# You make me want to stand out tonight

# Turn off the lights

# Give up the fight

# Surrender

# You got me good

# I knew that you would

# Did the best that I could

-# I surrender.

-#

Seriously, it's, like, the worst day of my life.

Like, I would happily kill myself.

Oh, my God. Guys, did Olivia tell you?

The most fucked-up thing happened this morning.

-You're gonna die.

-Seriously, like, I can't even deal.

I actually wanna kill myself right now.

Tell me everything.

Um, OK, so I'm at the Kelton gates saying goodbye to Mitchell,

and I farted.

-Oh, my God. That's hec.

-Yeah.

-Fully loud?

-Yeah, like, right in front of him.

-Yeah, he totally heard it.

-Are you sure?

-Do the sound.

-I'm not doing the sound.

-Do the sound.

I'm not doing it. Guys, it's not funny.

-You have to do the sound.

-It's not funny.

-Seriously, it was humiliating.

-Just try.

-Just do it.

-Come on.

Alright. It was kind of like...

IMITATES FART

-It was kinda like...

-IMMY LAUGHS

-Shut up!

-It's not funny!

-It's pretty funny.

It was more muffled than that, like...

-And he kind of, like, just ignored it.

-Did he hear it?

Yeah, we both pretended it didn't happen, though.

Like, he so obvs heard it.

Seriously, I wanna kill myself right now.

-Ja'mie, no, you don't.

-It's probably not even that bad.

-I do.

-He probably didn't even hear it.

It's disgusting. Seriously, and it's so random cos I never even fart.

Yes, you do. You totally fart all the time.

-Shut up. I'm not talking to you.

-You do it all night.

-You fart a lot.

-Fuck off. I'm not talking to you.

I'm not kidding. It's so loud, I can hear it from my bedroom.

Can you just fuck off, OK? I wish I fucking drowned you as a child.

-Let's get straight into it, please.

-Hi, Miss.

Positions, everyone.

-Ja'mie, we're gonna go from verse two.

-OK, cool.

Girls, that means sopranos, altos and entry at bar 25.

Now, remember, it's only a few weeks until Presentation Day

so we want this to sound really incredible.

And because it's our centenary year, this is the big one.

# As I look back on my education

# And all that I have learned

# Get a glimpse of my life destination

# And fly up like a bird

# The girl that's grown in many ways

# The things that I have learned

# Hillford sets my spirit free

# A woman I will be

# Cos I'm learning to be me...#

# Never to be alone... #

So are you guys nervous about dance assessment?

Nah, not really. I'm so prepared so...

Are your mum and dad coming? Mine are.

Uh, yeah, Mum, Dad and Kwami are coming.

And Mitchell's gonna come after rugby.

I'm so nervous about him watching me dance, though.

Oh, don't even worry, Ja'mie, you're the best dancer in Year 12. Legit.

Yeah, I know I am.

Oh, my God. Look.

Erin and Lauren are totally faking that they can't see us.

How much are they still not over the party?

How much am I not over her calling me fat?

Erin, hi.

Are you nervous about dance assessment?

-No.

-You shouldn't be.

Cos I heard the judges are really lenient towards girls with your body type.

It's kind of like a handicap thing, so you should be alright.

We don't like you, Ja'mie. Why would we wanna talk to you?

I'm not talking to you, lezlord.

Why don't you go lick your own vagina? You love doing it so much.

Cos I wouldn't wanna turn you on.

Um, you wouldn't cos I've got a boyfriend. I'm straight, unlike you.

I like guys.

Oh my God, she seriously has a mental problem.

-She needs to go on medication.

-I know.

And get a decent haircut. I'm sick of looking at her stupid hair.

What? Were we supposed to have them finished by this week?

It's OK, this took me no time. Really?

That book was so easy to read. I read it in, like, two hours.

-Ja'mie. Ja'mie. Oh, my God.

-What?

I'm so glad I found you. What happened?

Have you guys checked Facebook in the last ten minutes?

-No, why?

-Oh, my God. I'm literally freaking out right now.

I was looking at Mitchell's page and he changed his status to,

'At Westfield with the amazing Madison Cartwright.

Best way to spend a free period.'

-What the fuck?

-I know.

I saw her this morning and she did not tell me she was going there with him.

-Sneaky little fucking bitch.

-I know!

Why would he be with Madison at Westfield?

That makes no fucking sense. I'm, like, spinning out right now.

-What's she doing?

-Do they even talk?

-I don't even know.

Fuck. I'm gonna check his Facebook.

-I am literally freaking out right now.

-I know.

-JA'MIE GASPS

-What?

Oh, my God! He's changed his relationship status to single.

-What?!

-It's Mitchell's Facebook.

It's not you, Ja'mie. He's the bastard in this situation.

-Madison is an idiot for doing this.

-Do you think it was the fart?

Why would he be with Madison at Westfield? That's fucked up.

Madison's got Ancient in 1-1 right now.

We should go ask what the fuck's going on.

I don't care what her fucking excuse is. She's gonna get slapped.

Miss, all the Prefects have got an urgent meeting. We have to go.

Yes, girls, that's fine.

Yes?

Sir, Madison Cartwright needs to see Ms Welham immediately.

Thanks, Ja'mie. Madison, off you go.

Get outside.

Get out.

What?

Did you go in your free with Mitchell to the fucking Westfield?

Yeah. Why is that a problem?

It's a problem cos he's my fucking boyfriend.

He told me that you guys were never really together.

-That's bullshit!

-Are you fucking serious?!

Ja'mie, did you really think that you were officially going out?

-Cos you weren't.

-Of course they were!

-I'm not even joking.

-I was with him 24/7. How is that not going out?

Just calm down. Listen to me.

He told me you guys are really good mates, but that was it.

And you know that I've always liked him.

What are you saying? I'm his fucking girlfriend.

Exactly!

If he was really your boyfriend then why was he hooking up with other girls?

He wasn't.

He hooked up with Tash Morowski from Monte the other week.

What about the Prefect promise? We're supposed to stick together!

As School Captain, I'm taking your badge. You're no longer a Prefect.

-Fuck off!

-I fucking hate you!

Because of you, he's changed his relationship status to single.

Just seriously, chill, Ja'mie! Don't fucking tell me to chill!

-Did you even have sex with him?

-Yes.

-Well, you're lying cos he told me that you didn't.

-You're lying!

Well, he fingered me, so same diff.

Well, that's not what he told me.

He said that youse tried, like, five times, but every time, you freaked out.

-Stop lying, Madison.

-I'm not lying.

Have you kissed him? Yeah.

-What?!

-Oh, you fucking...

-Get her, Ja'mie!

-Fucking hit her!

Don't pull my hair extensions out - they were two fucking grand!

I fucking hate you!

-Fucking slut!

-You're a fucking slut!

Maybe you shouldn't have farted in his face this morning.

He told me about it. It's disgusting, Ja'mie!

I fucking hate you!

He's my boyfriend and you're supposed to be my best friend!

No offence, but you were kidding yourself from the start, Ja'mie.

He and his mates were laughing about you the whole time.

I can't believe you didn't even realise.

You go around saying how quiche you are.

But I'm just being honest. You're not that quiche, Ja'mie!

PANDEMONIUM

Oi! What's going on? Get off her!

Ja'mie! Ja'mie King, back here now!

Are you all right? You OK?

Yeah, I'm all right.

-Oh, my God.

-He's coming, Ja'mie.

Love you guys.

GIRLS: Stay strong. We love you, Ja'mie.

-What?

-Hi.

Um...

Did you kiss Madison?

Yeah.

I didn't think we were exclusive.

Is it cos I'm fat?

No.

SOBS

-Oh, my God.

-GIRLS: It's OK.

-SOBBING:

-I asked...him if I...was fat and he...didn't...

# No-one leaves the lights on anymore... #

-You are not fat.

-Don't even think like that, Ja'mie.

# The towels are hanging just where they should... #

I fucking loved him!

# It's drop-dead quiet in my neighbourhood

# I'm not that fragile

# I'm not gonna break

# Love's so overrated... #

Jamie, it's your turn.

# I'm not gonna need, not gonna need... '

Ja'mie King, student number 263387.

# ...need you if I fall

# So why am I crying?

# I'm not gonna miss Not gonna miss

# Not gonna miss you Not at all

# So what am I doing here on the floor crying?

# I don't need your love notes to cheer me up

# I can live without that kind of stuff

# You don't have to wake me with a kiss every day

# I'm tired of roses anyway

# I'm not that fragile

# I'm not gonna break

-# Love's so overrated... #

-OK, Erin, it's your turn.

# I'm not gonna need Not gonna need

# Not gonna need you if I fall

# So why am I crying?

# I'm not gonna miss Not gonna miss... #

-Well done.

-You did very well.

# Not gonna miss you Not at all

# So what am I doing here on the floor crying?

# So don't you worry about me

# Go on, enjoy being free

# I don't miss your dirty clothes on the floor

# I'm not gonna beg Not gonna crawl

# Not gonna need you if I fall

# So what am I doing here on the floor?

# Doing here on the floor, crying? #

DOORBELL CHIMES

-Hello, darling.

-Hi, Mrs King. How is she?

She's OK, sweetheart. I'll come and get you.

OK.

Hi, Ja'mie.

It's Cody.

Are you feeling any better?

Sweetie, come on, come out and talk to Cody.

No.

'The last few days have literally been the worst days

'of my whole entire 17 years of my life.

'Like, seriously, I'm so devo, it's not even funny.

'I've had three days off school.

'And my mum had to buy, like, a bulk amount of tissues

'cos I've been crying so much.

-Wanna take the box?

-Yep.

'Life's just not worth living any more, do you know what I mean?

My mum and dad reckon I've got the black dog.

Which is, like...

Like, every time I think of something happy,

I just, like, turn it into a black dog.

Like, that's just me looking at the wall,

and I can't even look at the wall without thinking sad things.

SOBS

Uhm...and I've had a few suicide attempts.

-Um, can you pass me my Marie Claire?

-Yeah, sure.

I wanna show you this dress.

Give me it!

I've got fucking clinical depression, you fucking idiot.

Jokes, bebs. Chill.

'Mum's been, like, hiding all the stuff in my room.

Like, trying to hide anything I might be able to kill myself with.

Like, any sharp stuff like pens and, like, um...

Well, it's all gone so...

Like my tweezers and my hair straighteners and stuff.

Mum took that cos she thought I might, like, burn myself. To death.

-I would go, like, a strapless one.

-Definitely. I was thinking that.

That's really flattering on shoulders like mine.

'But you know what I was thinking?

'Like, you can hide all the stuff you like, Mum and Dad, but,

like, I could, for example, put my head through that window

and, like, slam the window down on my head and, like, chop my head off

if I wanted to kill myself.

You can't control what I wanna do. If I wanna die, I'm gonna die.

Get out!

Get out of my room!

Jamie, while I'm here, could I please grab my Pilates DVD?

No! Stop asking me for it!

I'm sick of it.

All right, if you don't fucking come in my room again.

-Take it!

-Thank you.

'My mum is being such a bitch.

'She doesn't even understand what I'm going through.

I stole my mum's antidepressants.

I've been trying them out, but they're not really working.

Baby, do you want a cookie?

Do you want any Coke too?

'The only person in my family that understands me is Kwami.

'He really gets me.'

Kwami's here. He's gonna make you feel better.

Hi, Kwami.

'You know, I just have to look at Kwami and I cry

'and he puts his arm around me and he just makes me feel better.

'He's got these really long arms and he's so warm and... I love him.

So you know it's legit now?

-They're, like, officially going out.

-I know.

Madison and Mitchell.

I don't fucking care. They can have each other.

They're both backstabbing fuckheads.

Are you still gonna let her come to Bali for schoolies?

As if I would fucking let her come. No fucking way.

Yeah, awkies. It'll still be fun just with us, though.

No, it's gonna be awesome.

The thing that I'm most pissed off about is, like, dance assessment.

It's, like, cos she fucked me up.

And now I'm not gonna get my ATAR of 99.

-And Dad's not gonna get me the BMW.

-That sucks...

And my life might as well be fucking over.

Well, I don't know, you could still get into TAFE or something.

-I hope you're fucking kidding.

-Jokes, bebs. Chill.

Also, that fucking heifer's dance was painful.

-I know.

-Fat people should not dance.

-I know.

-It should be, like, a school rule.

I seriously can't even deal with how fat her arse looked in that bodysuit.

-So fucking fat.

-It was, like, gross!

-I know.

-Hey, Kwami.

-Hey, Kwams.

We're just talking about the whole Mitchell thing.

-Mitchell's an idiot.

-I know.

That guy is seriously the biggest douche in Sydney.

He's a fucking wanklord. I'm so glad you didn't let him fuck you, though.

-Uh, he fingered me.

-I thought you said you made that up.

No, he totally fingered me. It was, like...

He did it a few times. It was really good.

Anyway, you are so much better than him, Ja'mie.

So when do you reckon you're gonna come back to school?

Well, I've got flute assessment tomorrow so I've gotta go back,

but it's gonna suck cos everyone's gonna be staring at me.

It's gonna be like the worst day of my life.

No, they're not. No-one's gonna care about it.

They fucking will. Olivia told me that, like, everyone in the whole school

for the last three days has been talking about it.

Like I'm gonna walk in through the front fucking gates

and everyone's gonna go,

'There's that fat fucking loser who can't even keep a boyfriend.'

Ja'mie, just don't give them the chance. Rock up full confidence.

Like, strut your stuff.

I don't know. You need to like make them think that you don't even give a shit.

Like, fully reinvent yourself or something.

That could actually be really cool. Like, full makeover.

Like, I go back but it's like...

I'm, like, a rebel. Like, I don't even...

Like, I don't even give a shit what anyone thinks.

Rebel Ja'mie. Oh, my God. This could be amazeballs.

Oh, my God! I could totally do your makeup.

-Yes!

-Oh, my God, you can do my make...

We'll do hair extensions and a full really dark fake tan

-and, like, slut socks.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Oh, my God, hoop ear...

-Oh, my God.

-Like, fully break the school rules.

-Come on. I'm totally gonna style you.

-These babies?

-Yeah, the hoops.

-Definitely rock those. Hang on.

-Oh, my God.

-We'll have to do something here...

-I've got a fucking sewing machine.

-Yes!

-Can you do it?

-What do you reckon about that?

-I can easily do it.

-Yes, pull in the sleeves and then do full open.

-Tits.

I can wear, like, full slut socks.

-GASPS

-Oh, my God! This is gonna be good!

I seriously cannot wait till Monday! It'll be so good.

Kwami, I'm gonna go back on Monday and have, like, a full slut outfit.

-Oh, my God!

-It's gonna be so good.

Just strutting in - I'm a fucking rebel, fuck you all!

-Oh, my God. Fuck yeah!

-I can't fucking wait till Monday!

She's back and she's a motherfucking rebel.

-Yay!

-Yay! I can't wait till Monday!

Yay! Oh, my God!

-I'm going back to school.

-Oh, my God.

Tomorrow's gonna be the best day of my whole fucking life!

Oh, my God, Kwami. It's gonna be so cool.

I'm so excited! Yay!

'Next time on Ja'mie: Private School Girl.

I just love being a rebel.

Oh, my God. Mr Hayes is gonna kill you.

Um, do I look like I care?

-Let Muck-Up Day begin!

-GIRLS CHEER

-Quick, get 'em!

-Oh, my God!

-Sucked in, Year 7!

-SCREAMING

Obvs, it's never gonna work out.

You are really povo and you're black. And I am...

-Hey, is Ja'mie there?

-Hi.

-Hey, check your phone.

-Oh, my God. It's a dick pic.

Sorry to be the one to tell you, but your boyfriend just sent me a dick pic.

Oh, my God. Yep, that's definitely his dick.

He also said that you smell, which I didn't really wanna say but...

-So why is your dad here?

-My dad's here?

You've got your chest out on Facebook, Jamie.

I can't even look at you right now.

-Such a stupid, fucking little bitch.

-Shut up!

Will you cease using this disgusting...

We're only here because she broke into my Facebook.

Your tits are out and you're singing the school song.

I love you, bebs, but you're a freak.

If you don't give me the Hillford Medal,

I might be forced to put that video online for everyone to see.

It's really good news, isn't it, Ja'mie?

I wouldn't be so sure if I was you, bitches.