05/04/2017 Jack Dee's HelpDesk

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Jack Dee's Help Desk.

In recent times, this show has focused on questions about the General Election,

the EU referendum and Donald Trump's inauguration,

and I'm sure you'll agree we solved all of those big issues very nicely, so this one's for you.

Yes, tonight, my helpers and I will be facing questions about

the smaller, everyday things that are troubling our studio audience,

so please think of me as a shoulder to cry on, if you will,

although not literally, as that would be weird and I would have to get security.

So, let's meet tonight's helpers.

He's an actor who recently appeared on

I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

and told me earlier that the worst thing he's ever attempted

to eat is koala's sphincter.

Believe me, the koala wasn't too happy about it, either.

It's Larry Lamb.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian and actor who spells her name Andi with an "I".

Well, I guess there's only so many times you can be mistaken for

Andy Murray before you decide something has to be done about it.

It's Andi Osho.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next guest says she's proud to be Canadian but identifies as

being a British mum, so basically, she's the one wearing pyjamas

in Tesco looking for the maple syrup aisle.

It's Katherine Ryan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I do!

And a comedian who once had a show interrupted when two members

of the audience traded blows after accusing each other of

laughing too loudly, but please don't worry -

that kind of thing never happens when I'm around.

It's Jeremy Hardy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Little annoyances are called First World problems, which is unfair.

Earlier, I injured my thumb typing too fast when I was doing

the Ocado order, but you try telling a junior doctor that and it's almost

as if he had something better to do.

As well as assisting with your problems,

I've got issues of my own to air - bad grammar,

usually on the internet, is a major irritation for people like me.

It always has been and always WAS be.

A member of the production team told me earlier that with the wages we pay her,

she has the dilemma of either paying for food or heating,

which made me realise how bad I am at pretending to be interested.

LAUGHTER

So, without any further ado, let's get on with your questions.

On top of the pile - I'm just going from the top here - William Collier.

Where are you, William? We'll get a microphone to you.

-William, how are you - all right?

-Yeah, I'm good, thank you.

Good. Now, what's bothering you?

I'm absolutely fed-up of parents updating me on social media

about their children and everything they're doing

and just "sharenting" everything.

What can I do about it without unfriending them?

OK, so typically, William,

what's the sort of thing that they would update you on?

Just mundane things, really, you know - "Oh, look,

"little Johnny's managed to eat a chickpea today - wasn't he so brave?"

LAUGHTER

-I just don't care, really.

-Yeah. Right.

I've a feeling this is going to stop quite soon, anyway,

after this goes out, but I wonder...

I think we've got a few parents on the panel,

so what are you thinking, Katherine? Any thoughts immediately?

Well, I'm sure that your statuses as a single,

white male in London are riveting.

"Oi, lads, lads, lads, out again!

"Bleurgh!"

Yeah, pretty much.

What's a typical status update for you?

Probably normally a bit too drunk and then sharing my political views

that I'd be normally too sober to do.

Thank you for sharing your political views

because I wouldn't know what to think without them.

I think what parents forget

is that it's actually unsafe to update about your kids too much.

They'll put a photo - "First day of school!" -

wearing the emblem of the school, standing outside the house

with the address on the door,

so just kidnap them and teach everybody a lesson.

Do you feel that you're in competition

with other people's children?

I mean, you know,

maybe you should post on Facebook,

"I can do ALL the animal noises."

And also, if you're in competition with people who have children,

they're living vicariously. You have other things in your life.

You have sleep,

um...you have a social life and you have your own achievements

and you don't need to live through the fact that your children

can do the animal noises, and just post from time to time,

"Believe me, your children are as ugly and stupid as any other child."

LAUGHTER

How far are you off having your own kids?

Because maybe that's a solution, is you just bombard them...

or you could just find any old pictures of other kids.

Say, "Look at this guy! Look at him jet-skiing!"

I don't know.

I mean, if I go and start taking pictures of kids outside schools,

I might be in a bit more trouble.

I can't get Facebook when I'm in jail, so that might be an issue.

You've really thought this through.

-Yes, yeah.

-Through to conclusion.

In a slightly scary way.

So, I mean, Larry, forgive me, cos I know you're a parent,

but when you were a young parent,

most of this stuff wasn't around, was it?

It wasn't around at all.

It wasn't even dreamt of, but I just don't understand people

that read stuff that they don't want to read.

Just don't bother.

I think Larry's probably hit that one on the head there.

Just stop reading it!

I don't think that ever occurred to any of us in the free world.

We don't have to read this rubbish any more.

I sort of think, it's like...

-The round robin was the precursor to that, wasn't it, at Christmas?

-Yeah!

And especially on social media now, like you,

I don't want to know, you know, all,

"Ooh, Stuart's in the orchestra, Stuart's done this,

"Stuart's done that, he's gone top of the class in maths."

The only one that is excusable, probably, is,

"Stuart's gone missing."

LAUGHTER

OK. Good. Thank you, William.

Next up, we've got Heing Chung, I'm looking for now in the audience.

-There we are, in the front. Hello.

-Hello.

-What can we help you with?

My question's about the workplace.

How can we teach the millennials to be more patient and grateful

-rather than feeling entitled at the workplace?

-OK.

It sounds like you're experiencing this directly with people that you work with?

-Partially, yes.

-And how many people do you work with in your group?

We're eight people.

All right, so they're already going to be working out who you're talking about.

-Actually, our group's quite good, so my team's great!

-No, no, no.

No, no, no! We're not allowing that. You said it!

OK, so, an example of that?

Can you think of one off the top of your head, someone who feels,

oh, you know, I got it...

Um, so when I started at an entry level job,

I dealt with some of the - in quotation marks - menial tasks,

but nowadays if we ask someone who just started their jobs

to also do them, they are less willing to do them.

Right. I have a similar thing.

Some of the kids who work in my sweat shop,

they've started to ask for toilet breaks and everything.

So millennials, and... What do you think, Larry?

Well, I really don't know the answer to that.

It's like there's a whole age of people

that have kind of sadly been set wrong.

They don't actually feel they've got to do anything when they're

at work because they didn't really have to do anything when they were

at home, because people like me have been running around them

since they were...after them since they were born!

So, I'd go and shout at everybody

that looks like me and say, "You got it wrong."

I mean, it's just crazy, what we've unleashed on the world.

I don't know. It's a very good question.

Katherine, what do you think?

Well, I could be a little bit off on the number

but I think there's a wide age group of millennials.

I think it's anyone born between 1982 and 1995,

and that would make me technically a millennial,

and I feel like it's unfair to stereotype that entire generation

as being entitled and ungrateful and lazy

because they're also the generation that are addressing climate change.

They're also the generation inventing apps to make

our lives easier, and I think it's offensive to say millennials

can't do anything, just like saying old people should stop being

so, like, old and smelly and racist and having destroyed

-the housing market for us, like... Give 'em a break.

-Nice idea, yeah.

Give 'em a break.

Jeremy, what do you think?

Well, what you can do is, to pull them up short,

is to remind them of their reality, like,

"Yeah, but at least I don't have to live with my parents the whole of my life."

But I do think you're right - we do stereotype young people

as being healthy and vibrant and having knees that function -

that's not always the case.

A young person can trip and fall, as I'm sure you could arrange.

LAUGHTER

And likewise, young people can be insensitive.

Our kids are kind of grown-up now.

The youngest two are 18, and one of my boys said...

I said, "We're thinking of doing this next summer holiday."

Know what he said?

He said, "Well, you know, do whatever you want to do,

"cos you've probably got, what, 20 summers left, max?"

-He meant it!

-He worked it out!

-Yeah!

Brackets - before I collect.

Do you think that's why...

We forget that when we were younger, we wanted everything now...

You COULD have everything now!

-You could graduate school and buy a house for £20,000.

-We did.

We'd love to do that, so excuse me.

Do you think climate change is a hoax?

-No, of course it's not a hoax.

-Great.

But it is your problem.

OK. Going to move on to Denise Leech. Denise at the back there.

Hi, Denise. We'll just get a microphone to you. Denise.

-Thank you very much.

-Hi, there.

-What would you like to ask?

It's just a bit of a dilemma because when my husband's away,

I've got no-one to empty the bins.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah!

Yeah, so are you very domesticated like that, Katherine?

Do you always remember to put the rubbish out?

I think if I didn't take the bins out, I don't know who would do it.

One of my many staff. I think...

Maybe it's just me - you sound really, really sexy, and

forgive me for sounding old-fashioned,

but it could work in your favour.

I think sometimes - I do, I sound like an ape -

but men like to feel powerful,

so perhaps when he comes home, you could just be like,

"Well, I just didn't know what to do without your waste management...

"My bin really needs sorting out.

"Can you just get up in my bin and take it out?

"I don't know what I'd do without you. I'd be lost."

Certainly one way to deal with it.

Larry, what were you thinking?

I think the problem is, it's like, you know,

like most of the rubbish I find, really, is all stuff that's recyclable,

so that just goes in the recycling thing,

and you don't really mind if you're overloaded with recycling cos it

doesn't basically smell, it's just the other stuff that you really have

to deal with, and if you just go for smaller volumes and you just

take it out every day and put it in the dustbin,

then really that should sort it out, shouldn't it?

Well, you already know that because you're such a smart man, but I...

LAUGHTER

Do you ever go away and your husband is left, sort of,

floundering cos you're...the tasks that YOU do aren't getting done?

-Does he just starve?

-Well, yeah. No, he cooks but he doesn't clean or...

Cooks in your pants, probably.

LAUGHTER

And yet there's no denial!

-Well, we don't know anything for sure, do we?

-No!

Thank you very much for raising the question and I hope we've

been able to help a bit. I'm going to try Nick Morley next. Down here.

Thank you, Nick. I'll just get a mic to you. Nick.

Yes, er, I'd like to ask the panel how do you deal with the situation

when your son or daughter wants to bring home a boyfriend

or girlfriend to sleep over for the first time in the same room?

Hm-mm. ..as you?

LAUGHTER

Can I ask how old your kids are?

I have a son of 22 and a daughter of 19.

Do you have the same rule for both your son and your daughter

or are you more concerned about someone,

like, wanking off your son or going down on your daughter? Which one...

I've never thought of it that deeply before, but...

Get to the point, Katherine!

I love it when you talk helpful.

You're a hypocrite because, as you know,

every father wants his son to "get in there, boy," you know,

with a girl - it's a different kettle of fish

when it's your daughter cos you're thinking,

-"You're not coming through my front door - I'll break your legs if you touch her."

-Right.

I've just heard your daughter's split up with her boyfriend, by the way.

Larry, did you have a policy at any stage?

I always chickened out and left it to their mother.

It's a difficult one,

but it just didn't sort of happen years and years ago,

and suddenly you're confronted with this thing,

you've got to deal with it and it was never going to be on the agenda

that you'd have to deal with that, cos you just weren't allowed

to do it, you were just about lucky enough to get in the front room!

Is that what you used to call the...

But upstairs certainly wasn't happening at all.

Are "front room" and "upstairs" euphemisms at this point?

I'm talking... I'm talking household geography.

Windows, front room!

I was about to say what do you do about a spare room,

and I just thought...

Well, it's good that you're more liberal with your son

and he's older so your daughter gets to watch that interaction first,

and I think it is a worry for every parent from when they

transition from being your children to being other adults,

and your son's an adult, but what he must remember,

if you're making that transition, is that YOU are also an adult.

You're not a parent,

a sexless old man - you are still getting it in yourself...

I think you need to have a real chat with both

your son and his girlfriend and be like,

"You know, here's MY special move with the third finger

"and your mother really loves my moustache, you know what I mean?"

And just...

If he wants to be an adult, then he has to see you as an adult,

otherwise he's a child in your home - no nookie.

I mean, what's wrong with a bit of waste ground? I mean, really.

Do what Jack does - just put the guest in one of the other houses.

Yeah.

Then you don't even have to meet them.

I don't know about the generational thing.

My parents are very easy-going. I could bring anyone back.

I just couldn't find anyone who'd agree to.

Nick, I hope we've given you a few little pointers there, and...

-Yes, you've been VERY helpful.

-Ah, good.

-Thank you.

Just a tone of sarcasm we could have done without.

Doing our best here. I'm going to try and find Grace now.

Grace Sorrell. Ah, right down here. Thank you. Hi, Grace.

I wondered if the panel has any advice on leaving public toilets

after washing your hands,

-so kind of getting out without getting them dirty again.

-Yeah.

So this is the problem that the handle is often covered

-in bacteria because not everyone washes their hands.

-Yeah, exactly.

Thanks for bringing that one up at suppertime.

-What would you do, Jeremy?

-Just stay there.

LAUGHTER

Three or four hours later,

you're going to have to go again anyway, aren't you? Or wet wipes.

I always travel with wet wipes now,

because the beauty of an antibacterial wet wipe,

which we didn't used to have...

When I was young, we had that tracing paper lavatory paper,

called Izal Medicated, that didn't absorb -

it just kind of massaged it.

But now you've got wet wipes,

which not only you can sterilise the lavatory seat so you can sit on it,

and also the bit around where lower, dangly things might...

You can do that. And then you can sterilise your hands.

What's really nice is when people with babies leave their baby wipes

in your house and leave and they accidentally... You think, "Oh!

"I can have a luxury poo!"

Cos that's all, like,

moisturiser and baby-tender skin with aloe vera and chemicals

and it bungs up the sewage system,

but that's a really nice poo to have, when you get...

You could just lick your hands clean afterwards,

-after you've touched the...

-GROANS

-I'm trying to help!

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Cats lick their bums, don't they?

Exactly, and then they lick you, so it's all the same thing.

Larry, I've been thinking, in the jungle,

-what do they give you for that?

-Nothing. Nothing at all. It's raw.

-Well, it's usually raw, anyway.

-Yeah, I know.

-They give you toilet paper?

-Oh, yeah, there's toilet paper there.

They don't go THAT crazy.

I mean, you don't have to go and find a handful of grass, you know.

-It's civilised in that way.

-Oh, right, yeah!

And there's a bowl there so you can wash your hands afterwards.

-So it's unlike the rest of Australia?

-Exactly!

We'll...

Thank you, Grace. We're going to try and find Sarah Clayton next.

-Sarah's in the front row here. How can we help you, Sarah?

-Hello.

-Hi.

-My neighbour's cats make themselves at home in my garden, where they are deeply unwelcome.

-OK.

Short of murder, what else can you suggest to get rid of the things?

Ah! I heard about this. You put bits of lemon all around your garden.

They do not like lemons. So try it.

Chop up some lemons and put 'em around your garden, right?

-But they might evolve to make lemonade.

-Well...

-But they don't like lemon.

-What do they do in your garden?

I mean, why do you hate cats so much?

They patrol my garden, they kill my birds and they eat my bird food.

You said short of murder - did it cross your mind?

-And did you think how you might do it?

-It has crossed my mind.

-Yeah?

-Well, I'm a very kind, gentle human being...

-You sound it.

-..but...

LAUGHTER

If you have experience of lion-scented pellets,

because I'm toying with buying the lion-scented pellets.

That's what I've heard as well - lions.

You put lion stuff in the garden.

Larry hears a lot of stuff! Have you noticed?

Apparently it works cos they're terrified until they figure out

and think, "Sarah, you don't look like someone who's got a lion."

-Jeremy, what do you think?

-If you feed other people's cats,

eventually they like you and they come and live with you,

-and then they'll be in your house, not so much in your garden.

-Hm.

Or feed the cat so much it can't really move properly any more,

and then just lower it back over the fence.

You won't see that cat again in a hurry.

OK. There's always a wheelie bin, isn't there, for people like you?

Um... Well, Sarah, good luck with that.

I hope we've given you some things to think about.

I want to try and find Tom Lowenstein in the audience.

-Tom, hello. Hi, Tom.

-Hi, guys.

-You all right?

-Yes, very well, thanks.

Good, good.

So I just want to know, if all these people who quit their steady jobs

to follow their dreams are really loving it as much

as they say they are, or are they just lying about it?

Oh, they're lying. They're absolutely terrified.

Yeah, they don't know what's going to happen,

but they just want you to think that they've made a good choice.

-What is your job, in fact, Tom?

-So I'm a content manager.

-You're a content manager?

-Yeah - sounds dead exciting!

No, I just want to know what your dream is.

I'd like to set up a bar-cafe, but I'm terrified that if I do,

I'm basically just going to work 80 hours

a week and be broke and miserable.

That's a lousy dream, isn't it?

80 hours...

Well, you've got to work hard for your dream.

I want to do it but I've got a steady job. What should I do?

So you're thinking,

"I want to follow my dreams but I am lazy so I'm not going to"?

You're looking very thoughtful, Larry.

Yeah, well, because to me,

having come from the world you're in, where you've got a steady job

and whatever else, the only thing that every appealed to me was,

like, if there's an opportunity and I feel I ought to do

something else, just grab it, man, cos you don't want to be

sitting round 25 years from now wishing you had.

-Yeah.

-Just go for it.

Yeah.

Don't... Don't start doing all the bit about,

"I got a steady job and I've got all this and I might do that..."

You know, you could walk out of here and get run over by

a truck - you could be dead!

-If you've got a dream, just go and grab it!

-Yeah.

Tom, Tom Lowenstein from Brixton,

are you ready to hand in your notice live on television?

LAUGHTER

Phone it in, Tom! Phone it in now!

Phone it in! Send them a text saying, "I've quit."

Yeah, my boss might be watching,

so it might be a bit late for that, anyway, to be honest.

Tom, good luck. If you haven't... Have you got commitments? Family?

Yeah, lots of commitments. I have a mortgage, child.

-So it's hard to make that choice.

-I think this is a worrying trend.

I think sometimes people have got to be happy.

You think of somebody who's a multi-billionaire with

inherited wealth and a succession of trophy wives who was a reality star

in the United States and he thinks, "What am I doing with my life?

"There must be more than all this wealth and on-tap sex.

"I want the nuclear codes."

Let's go to Suzanne Miller from Enfield.

-Let's see if we can find you. There you are. Suzanne.

-Hello.

-Now, what would you like to ask?

-I'm on Tinder.

-Hm-mm.

The issue that I have is that when I match somebody, if they're

not my height or a little bit over, I feel quite bad rejecting them.

I just wondered if anyone had any tips.

Jeremy?

LAUGHTER

So you want people who are not as...who aren't tall enough

-to be taken off Tinder?

-No, I just want to let them down gently.

-Hm.

And when I ask the height question, they get

a bit upset, and...so I just wanted to see whether there's a way of...

You can do it lying down! I mean, there's so many different...

There's so many...

I know you're on Tinder but it doesn't always have to be

in public lavatories. There are hotel rooms.

There are places where the relative height needn't matter quite so much.

Why do you feel like you need to let them down gently?

Because this is an app where you literally dismiss someone

from your life just by swiping...

They're gone!

Gone! Gone! Don't worry about it. Do it!

Do it even to the tall ones, just to see how it feels. Liberate yourself.

Boom, boom. Do it in life.

If someone just gets in your face, just go "Boom! Don't need you.

"Too short!"

You probably once turned down Prince and you didn't even know.

You don't know how tall they are until you've matched them

and you ask their height, unless they have their height in

their profile, which a lot of the shorter ones don't.

-Ah, OK. Well...

-Boom!

-Yeah!

OK, Larry, any thoughts on the modern dating scene?

Yeah, I really don't understand it, but, I mean, the thing is...

It's basically what you're saying.

You've just got to...the truth - "Sorry, I'm looking for

"a bloke who's six foot six." That's it. That's it.

Well, we'll keep a look-out for him, Larry.

Suzanne, have we helped you at all there? I think...

Yeah, it's been very helpful, thank you.

Thank you very much for asking that question. We've time for one more, probably.

I'm going to try to find Genevra Griggs next.

-Hiya.

-Hello.

-What can we help you with?

My job, I'm field-based, so I have to do some admin at home

and sometimes that means that sometimes I'm the last to leave

the house in the morning and the first to get back in the afternoon,

and my housemates, when they return from their 9-5, well,

they tease me and say I haven't left the house when I have,

I've been working very hard - so how do I convince my housemates

that I'm actually a very hard worker?

So they come back,

see you're at home like you were when they left, and you're

having a hard time convincing them that you've been in a field?

OK. Katherine, what are your thoughts on that one?

I mean, I think it's a budget issue.

It sounds to me like your fuck budget is too high.

You just need to give no fucks at all

about what these people think of you.

You see, my budget was rock-bottom, real low.

I haven't given any fucks since 1985.

Are these your friends or just people you've been placed with?

No, no, we're close friends.

I haven't lived in the house very long,

but we are very good friends,

and I think I'm very career-orientated, I love work, and the fact that...

I think they've just picked up that it gets to me a little bit.

I'm very easy-going but I think that they like to tease me a little bit.

You're easy-going except if they mention, "Wow, you're home early!"

LAUGHTER

"What have you been doing?" "I've been working. I've been in a field.

-"All day."

-I mean, do you like working in this field?

I want to clear up, I don't actually work in a field.

We're just finding something else to wind you up about.

-I work really hard, OK, guys?!

-Really?

Well, why are you home so early every day?

And the other thing, of course,

is always remember to take the duvet off the sofa before they all come home.

All right, well, thank you - it was an interesting question - thank you very much.

We've all but run out of time,

and I've got so many we didn't get round to, so here are a few.

Holly Williams says, "What's the best way to rescue

"a Hollandaise sauce if you've overworked it?"

LAUGHTER

You, er... Evidently... I remember this.

Cos I had a French friend who was a really good cook,

and we got in this jam and I happen to know what you do,

-is you take it off the heat and you put an egg yolk in.

-Ah.

And that brings it back, does it? There we are.

-Get a millennial to do it. They don't over-work.

-That's it.

If that doesn't work,

take it to A&E cos that's where people take most of their problems.

Harry Brennan from Kent says, "What's the best way to get

"a cat poo stain out of a Porsche's convertible roof?"

And I should say, Harry, if it's the Porsche convertible that was

parted outside the King's Head last Saturday, it's not cat poo.

Dave Fletcher from Norfolk says, "Where's the best place

"to keep an iPhone on the beach to keep it out of the sun?"

Britain.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right.

That, sadly, is pretty much all we've got time for,

and I'd like to thank my helpers.

Larry Lamb.

Andi Osho.

Katherine Ryan.

And Jeremy Hardy.

So, before we go, I'll leave you with this.

When faced with problems, I think of the quote,

"Heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary"

and it's that sentiment that gives me the resolve to finally

get round to watching the second series of Peaky Blinders.

Goodnight.