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APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Jack Dee's | :00:29. | :00:41. | |
Referendum Helpdesk. Britain is facing a huge decision. I, with my | :00:42. | :00:48. | |
four helpers will try to guide you which way to go with the help of | :00:49. | :00:53. | |
audience questions. My panel have not seen the questions but I've | :00:54. | :00:57. | |
taken out those that have been deemed likely to be biased or cause | :00:58. | :01:05. | |
violence. Half an hour and five questions. Everything with what's up | :01:06. | :01:11. | |
with their stupid plugs to wider they always screw us at Eurovision. | :01:12. | :01:16. | |
A comedian who is a vegan former maths teacher who loves comics and | :01:17. | :01:19. | |
computer games. If that doesn't scream cool, I don't know what does. | :01:20. | :01:26. | |
Romesh Ranganathan. She is the host of Countryfile, and | :01:27. | :01:31. | |
as a former Strictly contested cheese in a class of on. She still | :01:32. | :01:41. | |
married to husband! Anita Rani. A comedian from Ontario. You might | :01:42. | :01:44. | |
think, what's Britain's place in Europe got to do with a Canadian, | :01:45. | :01:48. | |
which is ridiculous, what's anything to do with a Canadian? Katherine | :01:49. | :01:57. | |
Ryan. My final guest is perfect for this show. If there is one thing we | :01:58. | :02:00. | |
love its being told what to do by German. It's Henning Wehn. The | :02:01. | :02:09. | |
debate has been hotting up this week. It's a difficult one, in many | :02:10. | :02:15. | |
ways this is the biggest element Brits have faced over Europe other | :02:16. | :02:19. | |
than should they go to the STI clinic after that holiday in Greece? | :02:20. | :02:23. | |
Onto the questions from the audience. This is fairly random, but | :02:24. | :02:34. | |
Corran Curtis from London, what would you like to ask? If we leave, | :02:35. | :02:43. | |
can we make Starburst Opal Fruits again? Good question. We have had to | :02:44. | :02:51. | |
change a lot of names because of Europe. We had to change Oil of Ulay | :02:52. | :03:09. | |
to Oil of Olay. And Snickers bars became marathons. Would you like to | :03:10. | :03:15. | |
go back to Starburst? In many ways I couldn't give a shit. That's my | :03:16. | :03:25. | |
initial instinct. I suppose it's fun when you go on holiday and you think | :03:26. | :03:30. | |
it's different, it's called subbing different here! They call chocolate | :03:31. | :03:37. | |
fingers dog shits. There's some fun to be had with that. And Opal Fruits | :03:38. | :03:42. | |
would count towards your five per day. I like Starburst come in have | :03:43. | :03:48. | |
more flavours. You had purple ones now. I don't even remember what they | :03:49. | :03:55. | |
were called. Opal Fruitss. That's when we had sovereignty. You have | :03:56. | :04:01. | |
more variety in flavour in Starburst. They have mixed flavours | :04:02. | :04:05. | |
as well. Never go backwards. Keep moving forwards. I really wish I had | :04:06. | :04:12. | |
been here before Britain joined the Common market. The lives you people | :04:13. | :04:16. | |
lead! It must have been a national paradise, from what I hear. It was, | :04:17. | :04:25. | |
wasn't it? Had to work three days a week. Very low electricity bills. | :04:26. | :04:32. | |
Outside toilets. Happy days, they were. I think what the referendum is | :04:33. | :04:39. | |
really missing, in America Donald Trump has got a lot of favouritism | :04:40. | :04:44. | |
from people who care about things they like. He's promised more guns | :04:45. | :04:48. | |
and racism. Here it's really difficult to say, this terrible | :04:49. | :04:55. | |
politician says... This terrible politician says... You don't want to | :04:56. | :04:57. | |
attach yourself to either argument because they dodgy on both sides. Do | :04:58. | :05:02. | |
you have anxieties about staying or leaving? Genuine anxieties? Do you | :05:03. | :05:11. | |
know what it is, it's the first time I remember being aware that Europe | :05:12. | :05:15. | |
actually had an impact on us in Britain rather than it just being | :05:16. | :05:19. | |
part of our geographical location. When we had to change from Opal | :05:20. | :05:25. | |
Fruits to Starburst? How long did it take to deal with that? It still | :05:26. | :05:32. | |
hurts. It's traumatising. Moving on, Ben from Suffolk. I have seen a lot | :05:33. | :05:40. | |
of propaganda saying that if we leave Europe then we will lose out | :05:41. | :05:45. | |
on things like equal pay and other stuff the EU has given us. Surely we | :05:46. | :05:49. | |
would have come up with some of that stuff on our own without being part | :05:50. | :05:58. | |
of this hive mind? In essentially we invented it on our own anyway. In | :05:59. | :06:03. | |
Canada, they kind of do stuff on their own, don't they? They don't | :06:04. | :06:05. | |
consider themselves part of the United States. They don't consider | :06:06. | :06:10. | |
themselves part of the night estates, no, because they are | :06:11. | :06:14. | |
definitely not. -- of the United States. You can't choose your | :06:15. | :06:22. | |
neighbours, can you? There is always a slight fear that we might be too | :06:23. | :06:27. | |
thick to really make this decision properly. You start reading all the | :06:28. | :06:30. | |
stuff on your thing, I don't understand. I will look to see how | :06:31. | :06:34. | |
money people I hate are on the side I don't want to vote for. That's the | :06:35. | :06:38. | |
way you end up making the decision. But nobody knows the answer, that's | :06:39. | :06:42. | |
the thing. Everybody guessing, both sides saying it's the end of days | :06:43. | :06:46. | |
and the apocalypse if you do the other. All these figures bandied | :06:47. | :06:51. | |
about and nobody knows. That's why we are sitting here. The campaigning | :06:52. | :06:58. | |
will not change anything. The referendum is three days after | :06:59. | :07:02. | |
England's final group game at Euro 2016. How that goes will define | :07:03. | :07:07. | |
everything. If England steam-roll the opposition in all the games, we | :07:08. | :07:12. | |
will be, bloody hell, we don't need anybody else, Brexit guaranteed. And | :07:13. | :07:18. | |
if in the final game we have something still riding on it and | :07:19. | :07:20. | |
there is a massive refereeing decision against England, and the | :07:21. | :07:24. | |
referee happens to be German or French, then it's guaranteed Brexit. | :07:25. | :07:29. | |
The only way Britain will stay in, if England play a totally | :07:30. | :07:37. | |
unremarkable campaign. I think we have nothing to worry about. Is | :07:38. | :07:45. | |
that... What are you thinking after those wise comments? Yeah, it makes | :07:46. | :07:48. | |
sense, really. I think that's why I signed up for | :07:49. | :08:04. | |
this, to change lives. Looking for Mrs Emmett from Stanmore. The | :08:05. | :08:14. | |
question is, if we do stay, how quick can we get a room in hospital | :08:15. | :08:19. | |
if needed? Is this a urgent, do you need a... I don't need it but I know | :08:20. | :08:25. | |
plenty to do. Do you think at the moment if we leave it might be a | :08:26. | :08:31. | |
worse situation? No. It will be better? If we stay in it will be | :08:32. | :08:36. | |
terrible. If we leave it will be better. Why will there be a better | :08:37. | :08:40. | |
chance of getting a bed in hospital if we leave? They are using a lot of | :08:41. | :08:45. | |
the hospital wards as polling stations. What has given you that | :08:46. | :08:53. | |
impression, that by leaving it will be worse? Because of how may people | :08:54. | :09:00. | |
have come into this country, and how can we cope with all this? The | :09:01. | :09:04. | |
question is being asked over and over again. There is no answer. The | :09:05. | :09:10. | |
thing is, it will be easier to get a bed, but there will be no one there | :09:11. | :09:12. | |
to treat you. Exactly. What exactly did you do 20 years | :09:13. | :09:31. | |
ago? Me personally? Anybody? Hospitals were always there, the | :09:32. | :09:35. | |
help was always there. Everything was amazing. And you feel now that | :09:36. | :09:39. | |
because there is only more people in the country...? Absolutely. It's all | :09:40. | :09:44. | |
too busy and you are worried about that. Henning Wehn makes a good | :09:45. | :09:49. | |
point, we get a lot of doctors and nurses from Europe. Where did they | :09:50. | :09:57. | |
come from before? We had countries with the most beautiful people | :09:58. | :10:01. | |
coming to help. We have increased immigration of doctors and nurses | :10:02. | :10:04. | |
with people coming in. And you have to allow doctors in, even if they | :10:05. | :10:08. | |
are ugly. You can't just say you are not good enough to treat me. The | :10:09. | :10:15. | |
migrant thing is really interesting. I have had conversations with family | :10:16. | :10:19. | |
members and aunties and uncles, not real ones, that's what I call them. | :10:20. | :10:23. | |
The one thing that comes up in conversation is that they are coming | :10:24. | :10:26. | |
here with their different culture and food... Taking the jobs. I'm | :10:27. | :10:37. | |
like, 32nd memory. -- 30 second memory. It's a conversation that | :10:38. | :10:41. | |
happened for a longer time. My grandfather came in 50 years ago and | :10:42. | :10:44. | |
again we blame the migrants for all the problems we have. Migrants and | :10:45. | :10:50. | |
Brussels, bizarrely. It's some form of corrects. -- of Tourette's. I | :10:51. | :10:59. | |
have cut my finger... Bloody Brussels. Trying to find Fiona now | :11:00. | :11:09. | |
from Oxford. What would you like to ask? I'm concerned that if we choose | :11:10. | :11:14. | |
to exit the EU, then we would have to give Christmas back to the | :11:15. | :11:21. | |
Germans. APPLAUSE OK. But the Germans... All the | :11:22. | :11:31. | |
Germans have done with Christmas, they introduced the Christmas tree. | :11:32. | :11:35. | |
That was Prince Albert. And the Christmas markets. You fought us | :11:36. | :11:43. | |
during the war and now you are all eating Stollen. What's particularly | :11:44. | :11:50. | |
German about Christmas in your home, Fiona? I find it difficult to | :11:51. | :11:54. | |
conceive of Christmas without the Hamburg market in Birmingham. It's | :11:55. | :11:58. | |
all right. I went to the opening last year as 18 Christmas market to. | :11:59. | :12:05. | |
-- as a keen Christmas market visitor. I was shocked how many of | :12:06. | :12:11. | |
my countrymen these days are fluent in the Romania language. The funny | :12:12. | :12:34. | |
thing about integration assimilation, they are German... | :12:35. | :12:38. | |
They are German. The last member of their lot born in Germany was Prince | :12:39. | :12:46. | |
Albert in 1819. Why don't they all go back to Germany? It's not that | :12:47. | :12:48. | |
easy to integrate, is it? But we will still have our Christmas | :12:49. | :13:00. | |
tree in Trafalgar Square, that's a gift from Norway, and they are not | :13:01. | :13:04. | |
part of the U, so we are safe on that front. Remember what Vera Lynn | :13:05. | :13:12. | |
said, There'll Always Be An England. Always about the war with you, isn't | :13:13. | :13:14. | |
it? Tara Jeffrey from Surrey. Right at | :13:15. | :13:33. | |
the back. If we opt out of the EU, and it doesn't work out, can we opt | :13:34. | :13:42. | |
back in? If we opt out, can we hopped back in like a revolving door | :13:43. | :13:45. | |
business? One of the things in the debate that is not publicised is | :13:46. | :13:49. | |
that there is a 40 day cooling off period. You can have a look around, | :13:50. | :13:56. | |
see how it's going, if you decide you don't like it, you've got the | :13:57. | :14:00. | |
receipt. What do you think, will it be like that? | :14:01. | :14:07. | |
One trouble is not knowing whether you will be welcomed back. If the | :14:08. | :14:14. | |
you begins looking good, grows a beard, gets a better job... Start | :14:15. | :14:21. | |
dating somebody younger than us... -- if the EU. | :14:22. | :14:26. | |
Perhaps Angela Merkel could be like at a nightclub. We just went out for | :14:27. | :14:38. | |
a cigarette, we are back! Do you have commitment problems, would you | :14:39. | :14:44. | |
prefer to have the option? I thought it could be like, try before you | :14:45. | :14:49. | |
buy. Britain does not want to be seen as the difficult girlfriend of | :14:50. | :14:52. | |
Europe... LAUGHTER Says she loves me... It is only when | :14:53. | :14:58. | |
we're drunk. We are drunk all of the time! Britain is mainly seen as the | :14:59. | :15:07. | |
mad uncle, to be honest. Yes, I reckon people abroad look with a | :15:08. | :15:10. | |
certain degree of bemusement at what is happening in the UK more than | :15:11. | :15:16. | |
anything else, you come to a decision, and then, there we are. | :15:17. | :15:22. | |
Nicely put, thank you Henning will Martin Barker, from Berkshire. | :15:23. | :15:37. | |
Getting a microphone to you. If we stay in or out of the EU, will it | :15:38. | :15:45. | |
affect the cost of the tomato? -- gelato. By which you mean ice cream? | :15:46. | :15:57. | |
No, I mean gelato. Security, please. LAUGHTER | :15:58. | :16:02. | |
The problem with remaining in the EU, it is a problem of having low | :16:03. | :16:09. | |
skilled gelato. If we leave, you will see an increase in the kind of | :16:10. | :16:13. | |
gelato that we want to see in this country. I am against it, because | :16:14. | :16:20. | |
those gelatos, they come over here, they take our cones. There has been | :16:21. | :16:29. | |
talk of higher gross rebuild if we leave, you can afford to splash out | :16:30. | :16:35. | |
a little bit extra on gelato if you have to pay more for it. How many | :16:36. | :16:40. | |
litres a day are you eating? As many as possible. Sounds as though you | :16:41. | :16:49. | |
are clearly a Europhile, and soon to be diabetic... (!) LAUGHTER | :16:50. | :16:51. | |
Just so I know, what is the difference between gelato and ice | :16:52. | :16:57. | |
cream? Gelato Tastes better, because life is too short to be the bad ice | :16:58. | :17:05. | |
cream. Can we grow our own? We can make our own, but we need Italians | :17:06. | :17:09. | |
to do it, the Italians must be here to make the best. That is a funny | :17:10. | :17:14. | |
misconception, actually, because it is a known fact that in most Italian | :17:15. | :17:18. | |
restaurants, the staff are actually Albanian. But I could not care less, | :17:19. | :17:26. | |
as long as they say "bongiorno" and put some Brylcreem in their hair, | :17:27. | :17:30. | |
that will do me! Sun newspaper article will say, absolute disgrace, | :17:31. | :17:36. | |
it is being made by Albanians, four years! A few years ago, it turned | :17:37. | :17:43. | |
out that Hungarian 's were making sandwiches. Hungarian is making | :17:44. | :17:49. | |
British sandwiches? The Marks Spencer sandwiches were not made in | :17:50. | :17:52. | |
Britain, they were being made in Hungary. And then brought over? And | :17:53. | :17:58. | |
then eaten by British people that... They | :17:59. | :17:59. | |
of it! They would not have eaten that foreign muck otherwise! Makes | :18:00. | :18:09. | |
me feel sick just to think about it. One thing, in the EU, there are | :18:10. | :18:13. | |
regulations on food, you have to be very careful, if we say goodbye to | :18:14. | :18:18. | |
those, Americans will begin pushing in and saying, how about this | :18:19. | :18:22. | |
terrible food, that will kill us all in an instant! You will never get a | :18:23. | :18:24. | |
hospital bed then! LAUGHTER The Leave campaign, has started... | :18:25. | :18:39. | |
They are planning for the British Curry going. They are going to build | :18:40. | :18:46. | |
a big Curry, because the curry houses are under threat from | :18:47. | :18:50. | |
Brussels. Nobody likes a Brussels in a curry. That is a lethal | :18:51. | :18:53. | |
combination! I imagine the cost of food and goods | :18:54. | :19:06. | |
might crop up again. Do keep listening, if you are not busy | :19:07. | :19:11. | |
eating "gelato"... Anastacia... Where are you from? | :19:12. | :19:36. | |
Essex? South Benfleet...? Are you from South Benfleet in Essex? Yes, I | :19:37. | :19:43. | |
am from Essex. Why didn't you say so, you are wasting people's time... | :19:44. | :19:50. | |
(!) what is your question? If we stay in the you, will Britain have | :19:51. | :19:54. | |
to change driving on the right hand side? Will we have to drive on the | :19:55. | :19:59. | |
right hand side? Like on the continent. Would you be happy about | :20:00. | :20:02. | |
that? Do you drive? No. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER | :20:03. | :20:20. | |
Are you people taking this seriously? What is going on here, | :20:21. | :20:24. | |
man? You just want to know which way to look, when you are crossing a | :20:25. | :20:28. | |
road. Look both ways, cover both bases. People are so confused that | :20:29. | :20:34. | |
the question has become, if you change everything, how will it | :20:35. | :20:38. | |
change everything? But if we leave it the same, how will it change | :20:39. | :20:40. | |
everything? LAUGHTER I quite like having to switch over, | :20:41. | :20:51. | |
you know when you drive abroad on holiday, and then you are unsure, | :20:52. | :20:56. | |
you might kill a foreigner. There is something quite fun about that. You | :20:57. | :21:01. | |
rent a car, you try to hide the damage you have done, because you | :21:02. | :21:04. | |
are not used to driving on the other side, a great tip: rented a car in | :21:05. | :21:11. | |
Portugal, on the wrong side, they drive, damaged rear lights. Just | :21:12. | :21:16. | |
gathered up the glass, put it into a carrier bag, carried on with the | :21:17. | :21:20. | |
holiday, went to drop off the car, left it in the car park, sprinkled | :21:21. | :21:24. | |
the glass in the car park. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE | :21:25. | :21:28. | |
LAUGHTER If we did take that extraordinary | :21:29. | :21:35. | |
measure of saying, no we will move over to the other side of the road, | :21:36. | :21:40. | |
how would we do that? Amnesty? It is OK if you crash, not your full, | :21:41. | :21:45. | |
still getting used to it? There is something to be said for having | :21:46. | :21:49. | |
fewer things telling us what to do, less traffic lights, exhibition | :21:50. | :21:53. | |
Road, they have nothing, no road markings, nothing, it is basically, | :21:54. | :21:57. | |
you pay more attention if you do not know that there is something telling | :21:58. | :22:01. | |
you what to do, become more alert. Maybe we should just have a bit of | :22:02. | :22:07. | |
chaos! Let it go. Can I tell you, that road you are talking about, | :22:08. | :22:11. | |
that is a pedestrian precinct. LAUGHTER | :22:12. | :22:13. | |
Does that answer your question? It was a bit of a tongue in cheek | :22:14. | :22:25. | |
question. It was a bit of a tongue in cheek question...! A little bit | :22:26. | :22:32. | |
cheeky! We will move on, and key for raising that is a worry. Let's go | :22:33. | :22:46. | |
to... Sue Steed, Stevenage. 80% of the children being born in London at | :22:47. | :22:50. | |
the time were declared to be at the Norwich in by their parents, I read | :22:51. | :22:57. | |
about that last year. I know that it is going to be difficult for them to | :22:58. | :23:02. | |
integrate. -- were declared to be ethnic minority by their parents. I | :23:03. | :23:11. | |
wonder what the panel would say? I was a small percentage, in my | :23:12. | :23:15. | |
school, the only brown face, in a sea of white faces, I think I am all | :23:16. | :23:23. | |
right. I have done OK. LAUGHTER I have direct experience, it is not | :23:24. | :23:29. | |
an issue, as a cruel prank, my parents sent me to an all French | :23:30. | :23:33. | |
school, I walked into the class, I thought the whole world was that | :23:34. | :23:36. | |
way! My parents did not speak any French. But when you are small, you | :23:37. | :23:41. | |
absorb it so quickly, I do not think that I held the rest of my children | :23:42. | :23:46. | |
back, I can speak decent French, and so... It did not hurt. | :23:47. | :23:58. | |
Henning, how long have you been speaking English? I have been here | :23:59. | :24:08. | |
for 14 years. How much did you learn in Germany? Very little, just the | :24:09. | :24:12. | |
grammar. That will set you up nicely. Come over here and say, I | :24:13. | :24:18. | |
was, you were, then you live in London for a while and you say, I | :24:19. | :24:24. | |
was, you was, all of that... LAUGHTER | :24:25. | :24:33. | |
My children would come under ethnic minority, but they speak English, | :24:34. | :24:39. | |
they are English children. They have other issues... LAUGHTER | :24:40. | :24:50. | |
The second one will shit everywhere, but that is not because he is an | :24:51. | :24:56. | |
ethnic Norwich, it is because he is a -- ethnic minority, it is because | :24:57. | :25:05. | |
he is a twit. It is the wide range of children's languages that | :25:06. | :25:12. | |
teachers must adjust to, it is not just going into school, brown face, | :25:13. | :25:16. | |
the only brown face in the school, if that school has 15 different | :25:17. | :25:20. | |
languages over two classes, that becomes a difficulty. Are used to be | :25:21. | :25:26. | |
a teacher, we had kids speaking different languages in the school, | :25:27. | :25:30. | |
I'm sure other teachers made an effort, just because I didn't, | :25:31. | :25:35. | |
doesn't mean they didn't. LAUGHTER Get them speaking it as quickly as | :25:36. | :25:39. | |
possible. When you say it is not the face of Britain, I think it is, this | :25:40. | :25:44. | |
is the face of Britain, look around us, it is Mohammed Ahmed, great man, | :25:45. | :25:50. | |
one of his brilliant speeches, he said, look at all of the fantastic | :25:51. | :25:55. | |
quotes and obituaries of this incredible man, he stood up for what | :25:56. | :25:59. | |
his country was doing, going into war, and he said, I'm not going to | :26:00. | :26:03. | |
do that, it is not what I believe to be morally right. -- Muhammad Ali. | :26:04. | :26:07. | |
He said that it is not the Vietnamese calling him anything. Now | :26:08. | :26:14. | |
I have been swept away! But he also said, he talked about being American | :26:15. | :26:17. | |
and saying, I am the face of America. And so when we talk about | :26:18. | :26:24. | |
not used to kids from different countries being in Britain, looking | :26:25. | :26:30. | |
like our children, but this is modern Britain, that is what we must | :26:31. | :26:32. | |
get used to. APPLAUSE | :26:33. | :26:41. | |
I agree with everything you just said, there are still battles to be | :26:42. | :26:46. | |
fought, even on some panel shows, they segregate by colour... LAUGHTER | :26:47. | :26:54. | |
APPLAUSE At least we are on! LAUGHTER | :26:55. | :27:07. | |
I am just the man in the middle, I have an eye for it, and I think I | :27:08. | :27:19. | |
thought, they match. LAUGHTER It is all about the ascetics. We did | :27:20. | :27:23. | |
not get around as many as I would like to, try to get some of these | :27:24. | :27:29. | |
slightly quicker... Alan Donnelly, from Essex, he asks, should we stay | :27:30. | :27:39. | |
in on the condition that David Hasselhoff becomes president of the | :27:40. | :27:47. | |
EU? No! I am glad that I did not get round to some of these, James, from | :27:48. | :27:51. | |
London, will hotels be allowed to serve on the mental breakfast? | :27:52. | :27:55. | |
LAUGHTER -- continental breakfast. I think | :27:56. | :28:04. | |
the serving of a totally inappropriate combination of cheese | :28:05. | :28:07. | |
and cold meats is Robert Lee protected under the Mental Health | :28:08. | :28:11. | |
Act(!) that is all we have time for this week. -- probably protected | :28:12. | :28:19. | |
under the Mental Health Act. Thank you to my panellist. As the debate | :28:20. | :28:23. | |
goes on about what it means to be British, what it means to be | :28:24. | :28:27. | |
European, let me quote from H a L Fisher, " purity of race does not | :28:28. | :28:34. | |
exist, Europe is a continent of energetic mongrels". I have a | :28:35. | :28:39. | |
question that is just begging to be pumped -- cushion that is just | :28:40. | :28:52. | |
begging to be humped! Thank you. | :28:53. | :28:55. |