Episode 1 Jack Dee's HelpDesk


Episode 1

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APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Jack Dee's

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Referendum Helpdesk. Britain is facing a huge decision. I, with my

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four helpers will try to guide you which way to go with the help of

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audience questions. My panel have not seen the questions but I've

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taken out those that have been deemed likely to be biased or cause

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violence. Half an hour and five questions. Everything with what's up

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with their stupid plugs to wider they always screw us at Eurovision.

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A comedian who is a vegan former maths teacher who loves comics and

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computer games. If that doesn't scream cool, I don't know what does.

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Romesh Ranganathan. She is the host of Countryfile, and

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as a former Strictly contested cheese in a class of on. She still

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married to husband! Anita Rani. A comedian from Ontario. You might

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think, what's Britain's place in Europe got to do with a Canadian,

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which is ridiculous, what's anything to do with a Canadian? Katherine

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Ryan. My final guest is perfect for this show. If there is one thing we

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love its being told what to do by German. It's Henning Wehn. The

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debate has been hotting up this week. It's a difficult one, in many

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ways this is the biggest element Brits have faced over Europe other

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than should they go to the STI clinic after that holiday in Greece?

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Onto the questions from the audience. This is fairly random, but

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Corran Curtis from London, what would you like to ask? If we leave,

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can we make Starburst Opal Fruits again? Good question. We have had to

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change a lot of names because of Europe. We had to change Oil of Ulay

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to Oil of Olay. And Snickers bars became marathons. Would you like to

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go back to Starburst? In many ways I couldn't give a shit. That's my

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initial instinct. I suppose it's fun when you go on holiday and you think

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it's different, it's called subbing different here! They call chocolate

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fingers dog shits. There's some fun to be had with that. And Opal Fruits

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would count towards your five per day. I like Starburst come in have

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more flavours. You had purple ones now. I don't even remember what they

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were called. Opal Fruitss. That's when we had sovereignty. You have

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more variety in flavour in Starburst. They have mixed flavours

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as well. Never go backwards. Keep moving forwards. I really wish I had

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been here before Britain joined the Common market. The lives you people

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lead! It must have been a national paradise, from what I hear. It was,

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wasn't it? Had to work three days a week. Very low electricity bills.

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Outside toilets. Happy days, they were. I think what the referendum is

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really missing, in America Donald Trump has got a lot of favouritism

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from people who care about things they like. He's promised more guns

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and racism. Here it's really difficult to say, this terrible

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politician says... This terrible politician says... You don't want to

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attach yourself to either argument because they dodgy on both sides. Do

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you have anxieties about staying or leaving? Genuine anxieties? Do you

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know what it is, it's the first time I remember being aware that Europe

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actually had an impact on us in Britain rather than it just being

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part of our geographical location. When we had to change from Opal

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Fruits to Starburst? How long did it take to deal with that? It still

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hurts. It's traumatising. Moving on, Ben from Suffolk. I have seen a lot

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of propaganda saying that if we leave Europe then we will lose out

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on things like equal pay and other stuff the EU has given us. Surely we

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would have come up with some of that stuff on our own without being part

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of this hive mind? In essentially we invented it on our own anyway. In

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Canada, they kind of do stuff on their own, don't they? They don't

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consider themselves part of the United States. They don't consider

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themselves part of the night estates, no, because they are

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definitely not. -- of the United States. You can't choose your

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neighbours, can you? There is always a slight fear that we might be too

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thick to really make this decision properly. You start reading all the

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stuff on your thing, I don't understand. I will look to see how

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money people I hate are on the side I don't want to vote for. That's the

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way you end up making the decision. But nobody knows the answer, that's

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the thing. Everybody guessing, both sides saying it's the end of days

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and the apocalypse if you do the other. All these figures bandied

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about and nobody knows. That's why we are sitting here. The campaigning

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will not change anything. The referendum is three days after

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England's final group game at Euro 2016. How that goes will define

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everything. If England steam-roll the opposition in all the games, we

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will be, bloody hell, we don't need anybody else, Brexit guaranteed. And

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if in the final game we have something still riding on it and

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there is a massive refereeing decision against England, and the

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referee happens to be German or French, then it's guaranteed Brexit.

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The only way Britain will stay in, if England play a totally

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unremarkable campaign. I think we have nothing to worry about. Is

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that... What are you thinking after those wise comments? Yeah, it makes

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sense, really. I think that's why I signed up for

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this, to change lives. Looking for Mrs Emmett from Stanmore. The

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question is, if we do stay, how quick can we get a room in hospital

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if needed? Is this a urgent, do you need a... I don't need it but I know

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plenty to do. Do you think at the moment if we leave it might be a

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worse situation? No. It will be better? If we stay in it will be

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terrible. If we leave it will be better. Why will there be a better

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chance of getting a bed in hospital if we leave? They are using a lot of

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the hospital wards as polling stations. What has given you that

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impression, that by leaving it will be worse? Because of how may people

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have come into this country, and how can we cope with all this? The

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question is being asked over and over again. There is no answer. The

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thing is, it will be easier to get a bed, but there will be no one there

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to treat you. Exactly. What exactly did you do 20 years

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ago? Me personally? Anybody? Hospitals were always there, the

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help was always there. Everything was amazing. And you feel now that

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because there is only more people in the country...? Absolutely. It's all

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too busy and you are worried about that. Henning Wehn makes a good

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point, we get a lot of doctors and nurses from Europe. Where did they

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come from before? We had countries with the most beautiful people

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coming to help. We have increased immigration of doctors and nurses

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with people coming in. And you have to allow doctors in, even if they

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are ugly. You can't just say you are not good enough to treat me. The

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migrant thing is really interesting. I have had conversations with family

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members and aunties and uncles, not real ones, that's what I call them.

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The one thing that comes up in conversation is that they are coming

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here with their different culture and food... Taking the jobs. I'm

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like, 32nd memory. -- 30 second memory. It's a conversation that

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happened for a longer time. My grandfather came in 50 years ago and

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again we blame the migrants for all the problems we have. Migrants and

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Brussels, bizarrely. It's some form of corrects. -- of Tourette's. I

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have cut my finger... Bloody Brussels. Trying to find Fiona now

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from Oxford. What would you like to ask? I'm concerned that if we choose

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to exit the EU, then we would have to give Christmas back to the

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Germans. APPLAUSE OK. But the Germans... All the

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Germans have done with Christmas, they introduced the Christmas tree.

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That was Prince Albert. And the Christmas markets. You fought us

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during the war and now you are all eating Stollen. What's particularly

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German about Christmas in your home, Fiona? I find it difficult to

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conceive of Christmas without the Hamburg market in Birmingham. It's

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all right. I went to the opening last year as 18 Christmas market to.

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-- as a keen Christmas market visitor. I was shocked how many of

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my countrymen these days are fluent in the Romania language. The funny

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thing about integration assimilation, they are German...

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They are German. The last member of their lot born in Germany was Prince

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Albert in 1819. Why don't they all go back to Germany? It's not that

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easy to integrate, is it? But we will still have our Christmas

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tree in Trafalgar Square, that's a gift from Norway, and they are not

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part of the U, so we are safe on that front. Remember what Vera Lynn

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said, There'll Always Be An England. Always about the war with you, isn't

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it? Tara Jeffrey from Surrey. Right at

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the back. If we opt out of the EU, and it doesn't work out, can we opt

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back in? If we opt out, can we hopped back in like a revolving door

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business? One of the things in the debate that is not publicised is

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that there is a 40 day cooling off period. You can have a look around,

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see how it's going, if you decide you don't like it, you've got the

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receipt. What do you think, will it be like that?

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One trouble is not knowing whether you will be welcomed back. If the

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you begins looking good, grows a beard, gets a better job... Start

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dating somebody younger than us... -- if the EU.

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Perhaps Angela Merkel could be like at a nightclub. We just went out for

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a cigarette, we are back! Do you have commitment problems, would you

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prefer to have the option? I thought it could be like, try before you

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buy. Britain does not want to be seen as the difficult girlfriend of

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Europe... LAUGHTER Says she loves me... It is only when

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we're drunk. We are drunk all of the time! Britain is mainly seen as the

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mad uncle, to be honest. Yes, I reckon people abroad look with a

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certain degree of bemusement at what is happening in the UK more than

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anything else, you come to a decision, and then, there we are.

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Nicely put, thank you Henning will Martin Barker, from Berkshire.

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Getting a microphone to you. If we stay in or out of the EU, will it

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affect the cost of the tomato? -- gelato. By which you mean ice cream?

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No, I mean gelato. Security, please. LAUGHTER

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The problem with remaining in the EU, it is a problem of having low

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skilled gelato. If we leave, you will see an increase in the kind of

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gelato that we want to see in this country. I am against it, because

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those gelatos, they come over here, they take our cones. There has been

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talk of higher gross rebuild if we leave, you can afford to splash out

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a little bit extra on gelato if you have to pay more for it. How many

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litres a day are you eating? As many as possible. Sounds as though you

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are clearly a Europhile, and soon to be diabetic... (!) LAUGHTER

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Just so I know, what is the difference between gelato and ice

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cream? Gelato Tastes better, because life is too short to be the bad ice

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cream. Can we grow our own? We can make our own, but we need Italians

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to do it, the Italians must be here to make the best. That is a funny

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misconception, actually, because it is a known fact that in most Italian

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restaurants, the staff are actually Albanian. But I could not care less,

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as long as they say "bongiorno" and put some Brylcreem in their hair,

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that will do me! Sun newspaper article will say, absolute disgrace,

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it is being made by Albanians, four years! A few years ago, it turned

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out that Hungarian 's were making sandwiches. Hungarian is making

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British sandwiches? The Marks Spencer sandwiches were not made in

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Britain, they were being made in Hungary. And then brought over? And

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then eaten by British people that... They

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of it! They would not have eaten that foreign muck otherwise! Makes

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me feel sick just to think about it. One thing, in the EU, there are

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regulations on food, you have to be very careful, if we say goodbye to

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those, Americans will begin pushing in and saying, how about this

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terrible food, that will kill us all in an instant! You will never get a

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hospital bed then! LAUGHTER The Leave campaign, has started...

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They are planning for the British Curry going. They are going to build

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a big Curry, because the curry houses are under threat from

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Brussels. Nobody likes a Brussels in a curry. That is a lethal

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combination! I imagine the cost of food and goods

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might crop up again. Do keep listening, if you are not busy

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eating "gelato"... Anastacia... Where are you from?

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Essex? South Benfleet...? Are you from South Benfleet in Essex? Yes, I

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am from Essex. Why didn't you say so, you are wasting people's time...

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(!) what is your question? If we stay in the you, will Britain have

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to change driving on the right hand side? Will we have to drive on the

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right hand side? Like on the continent. Would you be happy about

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that? Do you drive? No. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

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Are you people taking this seriously? What is going on here,

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man? You just want to know which way to look, when you are crossing a

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road. Look both ways, cover both bases. People are so confused that

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the question has become, if you change everything, how will it

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change everything? But if we leave it the same, how will it change

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everything? LAUGHTER I quite like having to switch over,

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you know when you drive abroad on holiday, and then you are unsure,

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you might kill a foreigner. There is something quite fun about that. You

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rent a car, you try to hide the damage you have done, because you

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are not used to driving on the other side, a great tip: rented a car in

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Portugal, on the wrong side, they drive, damaged rear lights. Just

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gathered up the glass, put it into a carrier bag, carried on with the

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holiday, went to drop off the car, left it in the car park, sprinkled

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the glass in the car park. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER If we did take that extraordinary

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measure of saying, no we will move over to the other side of the road,

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how would we do that? Amnesty? It is OK if you crash, not your full,

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still getting used to it? There is something to be said for having

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fewer things telling us what to do, less traffic lights, exhibition

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Road, they have nothing, no road markings, nothing, it is basically,

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you pay more attention if you do not know that there is something telling

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you what to do, become more alert. Maybe we should just have a bit of

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chaos! Let it go. Can I tell you, that road you are talking about,

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that is a pedestrian precinct. LAUGHTER

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Does that answer your question? It was a bit of a tongue in cheek

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question. It was a bit of a tongue in cheek question...! A little bit

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cheeky! We will move on, and key for raising that is a worry. Let's go

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to... Sue Steed, Stevenage. 80% of the children being born in London at

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the time were declared to be at the Norwich in by their parents, I read

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about that last year. I know that it is going to be difficult for them to

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integrate. -- were declared to be ethnic minority by their parents. I

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wonder what the panel would say? I was a small percentage, in my

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school, the only brown face, in a sea of white faces, I think I am all

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right. I have done OK. LAUGHTER I have direct experience, it is not

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an issue, as a cruel prank, my parents sent me to an all French

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school, I walked into the class, I thought the whole world was that

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way! My parents did not speak any French. But when you are small, you

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absorb it so quickly, I do not think that I held the rest of my children

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back, I can speak decent French, and so... It did not hurt.

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Henning, how long have you been speaking English? I have been here

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for 14 years. How much did you learn in Germany? Very little, just the

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grammar. That will set you up nicely. Come over here and say, I

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was, you were, then you live in London for a while and you say, I

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was, you was, all of that... LAUGHTER

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My children would come under ethnic minority, but they speak English,

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they are English children. They have other issues... LAUGHTER

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The second one will shit everywhere, but that is not because he is an

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ethnic Norwich, it is because he is a -- ethnic minority, it is because

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he is a twit. It is the wide range of children's languages that

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teachers must adjust to, it is not just going into school, brown face,

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the only brown face in the school, if that school has 15 different

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languages over two classes, that becomes a difficulty. Are used to be

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a teacher, we had kids speaking different languages in the school,

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I'm sure other teachers made an effort, just because I didn't,

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doesn't mean they didn't. LAUGHTER Get them speaking it as quickly as

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possible. When you say it is not the face of Britain, I think it is, this

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is the face of Britain, look around us, it is Mohammed Ahmed, great man,

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one of his brilliant speeches, he said, look at all of the fantastic

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quotes and obituaries of this incredible man, he stood up for what

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his country was doing, going into war, and he said, I'm not going to

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do that, it is not what I believe to be morally right. -- Muhammad Ali.

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He said that it is not the Vietnamese calling him anything. Now

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I have been swept away! But he also said, he talked about being American

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and saying, I am the face of America. And so when we talk about

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not used to kids from different countries being in Britain, looking

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like our children, but this is modern Britain, that is what we must

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get used to. APPLAUSE

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I agree with everything you just said, there are still battles to be

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fought, even on some panel shows, they segregate by colour... LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE At least we are on! LAUGHTER

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I am just the man in the middle, I have an eye for it, and I think I

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thought, they match. LAUGHTER It is all about the ascetics. We did

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not get around as many as I would like to, try to get some of these

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slightly quicker... Alan Donnelly, from Essex, he asks, should we stay

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in on the condition that David Hasselhoff becomes president of the

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EU? No! I am glad that I did not get round to some of these, James, from

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London, will hotels be allowed to serve on the mental breakfast?

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LAUGHTER -- continental breakfast. I think

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the serving of a totally inappropriate combination of cheese

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and cold meats is Robert Lee protected under the Mental Health

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Act(!) that is all we have time for this week. -- probably protected

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under the Mental Health Act. Thank you to my panellist. As the debate

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goes on about what it means to be British, what it means to be

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European, let me quote from H a L Fisher, " purity of race does not

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exist, Europe is a continent of energetic mongrels". I have a

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question that is just begging to be pumped -- cushion that is just

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begging to be humped! Thank you.

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