Episode 2 Jack Dee's HelpDesk

Hello and welcome to Jack Dee's Referendum HelpDesk.

My helpers to Nike will be fielding questions from our studio audience,

which they haven't seen before and the knowledge will make you see an

ill informed decision about which way to vote. This campaign has seen

some scaremongering and terrifying rhetoric, which is why I am here as

the friendly face of the referendum. It is tricky, because British people

don't normally get a say in being asked to leave Europe. They just get

deported at throwing patio furniture at the other team's fans. Let's meet

my panel of helpers, Romesh Ranganathan.

APPLAUSE And a great comedian and fine actor,

best known for the sitcom, Derek. But her finest role is as a mother,

am I right, sisters? It is Kerry Godliman.

You may think because this comedian is from Canada she cannot relate to

the British, but she has promised to try to be as small-minded and

suspicious foreigners as the rest, here is Katherine Ryan.

APPLAUSE He is the Blur guitarist, who lives

in the cost roles next to David Cameron and makes blue cheese.

Does this guy know how to rock? It is Alex James. Immigration is a

key issue with figures released last month saying 30,000 non-UK citizens

entered the country. If you discount the one that came to addition for

British got talent, the number drops to 26.

Let's get on to your questions. I am going to try to find, first of all,

Richard Harrison from Basingstoke. Where are you, Richard tester Mark

if we vote to leave, would it be right and proper to put Nigel on the

new ?20 note? Would you think it would be

something you would like to see? What is more British than a drunk

ex-banker. We will do the funny jokes. Very good. Should Nigel

Farage be on the ?20 note if we vote? Looking at his teeth, he

should be on the back of the cigarette package. The best place

for his photo. I wonder what the panel think, is it a nice idea? I am

not a big fan of Nigel Farage. Do you think it would be a good idea?

Good video economy, because people would be desperately spending their

?20 notes. What are you doing? Come and sit here. If we wanted this to

be the Richard Harrison show, we would have called it that. Is it a

nice idea? Who is on the money now? Definitely the Queen. In Canada, the

Queen is on every dollar I ever earn. I loved it when we got to

Canada on tour and the Queen was on the money. We should be embracing

goodies for the money, like David Beckham. Maybe posh handbags. Who

would we love to see on our money, David Bowie on our money, I would

like that. Would you like to be on the money? We're not all complete

narcissist, stand-up comedians. I am happy when you guys just give me

your money, I don't have to be on it. Can you do that thing with a

note Andy fold it a certain way and you can see the Queen's backside.

There is a willy one as well with a 20. Time down. On the old one in the

80s, you could get the bomb. I think that is why many people are opposed

to the euro, because he lose that. Good question, thank you Richard.

Sheila from Kings Langley. I am going to vote to stay in. My husband

is going to vote to leave. How do we maintain marital harmony? Is your

voting to leave the EU, or you? How are things currently? I am biting my

tongue a lot. What is your husband's name? Richard. When you are biting

your tongue, why are you doing that? When Richard is criticising data and

statistics, I think it is better to bite my tongue. But maybe we should

have a debate. You have come to the right place. You should celebrate

that you, as a married couple are independent people and you are

getting along. That is very sensible. Thank you. What is your

driving argument to remain and what is Richard's driving argument to

leave? I like being part of Europe. When I come into London, I like the

service I get in the copy shops, which is generally people who aren't

from the UK. Their customer service is great, those people, they give

you a smile. Richard's opinion on out? He doesn't like the service. We

vote the opposite way in elections as well, I do it for a matter of

balance, really. You sound like an easy guy to get on with. You are

just trying to wind your wife up. It is an unusual feature of this

business. On the whole it is uniting people. No one knows what to do and

it is not like a general election. If someone wants to leave, you ask

them why, we are listening to each other for once, maybe. In my

experience, anyway. I would never advise to abandon voting altogether,

except in your case because you cancel each other out. Just stay in.

That is the genius answer. Simplicity, neither of you voted. I

do think you should split up. APPLAUSE

Some couples just like Rowling, they row and row and then have amazing

make-up sex. I'm going to give you a referendum! Sounds like the 24th of

June is going to be a good day! Good luck with that. Thank you for

raising the question, are very interesting situation. Rachel, right

over here in the front. Rachel, it says you are from Salisbury, what

would you like to last? It will leave the EU, can we remove all wet

mozzarella cheese from the island so I never have to see it again. What

is wrong with it? It is pointless, it tastes of nothing. Good

mozzarella tastes good. It needs to be wet because it goes off quickly.

The dry stuff is great for putting on a pizza. If only we had a cheese

expert on the panel. We will have to move on. It is true, the wet

mozzarella is hopeless for pizza. But mozzarella is the biggest

selling cheese in the world, but it doesn't have a PDO, so I can start

making it. But if I started to make Parmesan, I would get a visit from

some serious people. Who, the Mafia? Have you considered making

mozzarella? Yes, I was going to call it Wonderball. Thank you for asking,

Rachel. How are you? Very good. How will the referendum affect

pensioners living in Europe, and what will we do if they all come

back from Benidorm? They will be rounded up and handed over to World

Of Leather. APPLAUSE

How will the referendum affect pensioners from Europe and what will

they do if they all come back from Benidorm. They all seem to live

there. Probably put them all in jail, where they should have been.

Where they should have been when they legged it. It will be difficult

to identify them because they will have assimilated with the native

culture. It would be nice for British people to get used to the

hot weather. When the sun comes out, how white people behave is an

acceptable. Just get naked and walk out. Make the most of it. It is

terrifying when you see people going on holiday just to get burnt and

come back looking like a lobster. You see them at Gatwick Airport,

standing their underweight on holiday. I have this vision that

they are standing on the moving staircase, then they just go into

another and then come out all brown. The one coming back, are brown and

they look like they have gone through toasting machine! They are

not actually going anywhere. Interesting, what would we do if

they had to come back, all the Benidorm people. What do you think,

Kerry? I don't think they should be allowed, build a wall, keep them

out. You have changed. You are applauding. Donald Trump Wallasey.

You should keep them out. People want to keep immigrants out who are

educated and able-bodied, you can bring something to the economy and

work, what are pensioners going to do? Take, take, take. I am going to

try and find Emily next. At the back. How are you? Good, how are

you. Where are you from? I am from Canada. Are you here legally? Yes.

She is, but Catherine... I would like to know how voting in or out of

the EU will benefit women and what are the compelling reasons why I

should vote either way? We haven't got a Scooby. You raise an

interesting question about whether it will make a difference to women,

is that what you're getting at? Yes, in terms of equal pay, childcare,

encouraging women to have positions of responsibility, equality in

Parliament. As a woman, you obviously want to know these things?

Of course. Very selfish. There are other people on the planet... We

won't go into that now. Do they have to do different things to women in

the UK? European women are allowed pubic hair.

I am up for that. We are behind it. What else to European women get?

They are allowed to shrug more. They get more shrugging time. It's what

they do when they see me! Thank you, Emily. I'm going to try to find

Martin Clark from Essex, down the front. Where are you from in Essex?

You really don't want to know, do you? Of course I do, that's why I

asked. I live in the worst place, in Thurrock. You will be popular there!

I'm a fan of Spanish omelettes, exotic Jesus, will they all go away

after the referendum? Yes, they will all be made illegal. You will have

to eat suet. It's a terrifying thought, people dealing Spanish

omelette on street corners. Heyman, have you got any Spanish omelette?

In little tiny plastic bags. Do you make your own Spanish omelette? I

try to make it, badly. Because tap as is rubbish. The food is OK, it is

just having to eat with other people and there's always one prick who

takes too much. You have to set their pretending not to resent them.

It's a very stressful new experience -- sit there. All I can say is, I

paid the bill, Romesh! APPLAUSE

You mentioned cheese again. I have been preparing for the apocalypse

from any years, growing my own Brussels sprouts, French beans,

bendy cucumber, the bendy are the better, that is one in nearby for

Brussels. I think we have helped you. I hope so. Onto the next

question, from Colindale. However you? I'm fine, thanks. I would like

to know, if we vote to come out of the EU, would we be able to still

lose at the Euros football? The football. You obviously don't have

great faith that we will do particularly well this time around?

Not really. Sad! What a jaded view of the nation's football you have.

Which team do you support? I don't really support any football teams.

Many people don't support many football teams. What football team

do you support, all of them? That way, I am never sad when they lose!

Alex, are you a football fan? I am from Bournemouth so I've never had

it so good. I think that we are destined to keep playing at the

Euros and lose. I don't think there is anything we can can do about it

but I do think we should back out of Eurovision.

APPLAUSE Is that how it works in Brussels?

Everybody giving each other douze points, and us nothing. I don't

watch it. It is like us saying to everyone else, come on, you have a

go and pop music. I think we should leave and just watch the others and

have a laugh. Katherine committee will follow football? I follow those

who make the news, like come sexual assaults. Muggy they have got a

great back four! But if we leave, how will you get any footballers?

Some teams would be bereft of players. They wouldn't have anyone

to send out. What is a heavily... Arsenal. Who is an Arsenal fan? If

we leave, there is a good chance you will get to play!

LAUGHTER that would be cool. You will be stuffed. Interesting

interesting question, Martin, thank you. Marta? How a U. Good, thank

you. Are you from London? I'm quite a fan of continental booze cruises.

I wondered what the effect might be because I would be annoyed to have

to apply for a visa to go for a short hop to get some high-quality

French wine or to have to pay duty on the way back or have a bottle

limit. Do you take your car over and fill up with mice... I have been

known to do that and have my luggage clinking as I get off the flight.

How much do you bring back, Marta? When I went with a friend by car we

heard that the limit was 100 bottles so we bought man-to-man. I took my

car over and filled up with one but it ruined the engine -- we bought

99. How often do you go on these booze cruises? Not very often. About

four times a euro. You buy 99 bottles four times a year? How are

you alive? Are you currently working, Marta? Functioning

alcoholic! Are you currently working? I am. I work for a bank.

LAUGHTER So you need the wine is to just keep

working, really. Too blotted out at the end of every day. How much have

I lost the nation this year? The French have been very good at

convincing us that champagne... It is just cider with marketing, you

know. They are very good at marketing, but I think beer is a far

superior drink to wine. It has more flavour. I love beer as well.

Surprise, surprise! It is the prices. The taxes. You could pick up

a great bottle of beer for 1 euro or less in France but here it is ?5 a

pint. A disgrace. How is the glue going? Really great. People will

start making their own. She will! Can you make wine? Yaz, not one,

beer. How does it taste? Not bad. The next step is to find out how to

synthesise the liver. It's because wine is so very expensive, isn't it?

You can get wine for ?3 a bottle if you are not fussy about the

appearance of it. Muggy or box. Classy. Do you get them as well?

Marta will get anything. They will fit in well in the back of the van.

Marta, when you have a wine box and you want the last drink out of it,

do you... LAUGHTER

I think I may have said too much about myself. Thank you for asking

that question, and indeed thank you for keeping yourself out of the pub

for the evening, it is very good of you! Santos, let's get a microphone

to you, what can we do for you. I live with three Italians. In case

they leave, what am I going to do with my hens? What? You live with

three Italians and you wonder what you are going to do with your hands?

I've been living with them and I am used to doing this... Ace I thought

you meant, who will our group? I did not want to go there, this is the

BBC and we don't like that kind of here!

LAUGHTER That's me out of a job! Three

Italians, you live with? Are they as expressive as you would think? Yes.

It looks like you have picked up on that mannerism. Unfortunately. Do

you find it useful? Terribly useful, I don't even have to say anything.

What is that gesture? In Italy and it means move your balls. Are you

playing Twister? What is going on? It's not just Italy, it is elsewhere

in Europe, they are just much more expressive and open. Dare I say it,

there is passion in the way that they express themselves. That's my

favourite gesture. It means dam right. Have you done that one yet,

Santos? Yes, there's nothing I haven't done! And your friends, will

they leave if the euphoria of Mac that if the EU thing happens or are

they just talking about leaving you anyway? Has it occurred to you that

they might want to leave because they think you are taking the Mick?

They cook great food. Carbonara. It sounds like a great flat you live

in. You are going to miss them, aren't you? You are going to wish

that you hadn't been so annoying? I'm so lonely!

LAUGHTER Kerry, can you pick up those

mannerisms? You could Skype them when they go. Face time. You can do

all that. That's one, isn't it? That is the best one. Are they worried

about the referendum? With language, or with hand gestures?

OK, Santos, I hope that has helped you. Indeed. We are kind of coming

to the end of our time, I will whip through some that we haven't had

time for, Dave Palmer, from Leicester, shouldn't we just

couldn't Leave just dizzy what happens? That is why a lot of people

are voting Leave. Purely out of experimentation. That is like

sticking your tongue in an electrical point is the what will

happen. But then you know what will happen. Not necessarily unless you

ask me because I've done it. And George from Sutherland and says that

people tend not to vote if the weather is bad, how would the panel

get people to the polling station if it rains on June 23. That's ironic.

The people most likely to vote In refused to go out! Leah Martin from

managers to, which countries would you most like Britain to maintain a

relationship with? France would be good because it would be annoying if

you got to the end of the Eurotunnel and there was nothing there. You'd

just have to advertise it as a train ride. A brick wall, and comeback.

One viewers from London says, the last country to join the EU was

Croatia, do we risk them feeling it was therefore if we leave? You're

right. We should not take that risk. We should make sure that they know

it is their fault. We will tell them. Susannah Miller from Margate,

if Britain leaving is called Brexit, what will it be called if Scotland

break away as Nicola Sturgeon plans, and joins the EU by themselves?

Treachery. Mr Baker from Norwich, would it not been nice to let the

rest of the people of Europe vote to see if they actually want us?

APPLAUSE That's a good question. That looks

like more or less all we have time for. I would like to thank my

helpers, Romesh, Kerry, Katherine, and Alex. I am not sure we have made

anyone's decision any easier but as Abba famously sang, breaking up is

never easy. They also sang that the lights were going to blind them so

perhaps politically we should take everything Abba say with a pinch of

salt. Good night. You will each collect

a Michelin-starred chef.