Episode 3 Jack Dee's HelpDesk

Hello! Welcome to Jack Dee's Referendum HelpDesk. With barely 48

hours to go before the polling stations open for concern to UK

citizens, this Thursday will be a chance to influence the future of

our nation. Less concerned citizens, it's a chance to see the inside of

their children's primary School, albeit in their pyjamas. On Friday

morning, will we be reaching for a baguette or a bacon butty? My

helpers and I will answer the audience questions they have not

seen before and tackle some of the last minute queries in a bid to help

you decide which way to vote. Let's meet my panel, my first guest once

appeared in a TV show, Jeremy Hardy Against The Israeli Army. A

one-sided episode of the Krypton Factor. And actress that moved

around the world before settling in Staines, we will rely on the

impeccable judgment of Nina Wadia. A comedian who say she is proud to be

Canadian but identifies as a British mother, basically a Canadian who has

developed a taste for industrial quantities of pinot grigio. My next

guest was nominated for an Edinburgh, the award and didn't win,

so obviously not that clever. Please welcome Nish Kumar. Younger voters

have been told it is the biggest question of the generation. Trust

me, it is nothing my generation grapple for years with who shot JR.

Do we leave or remain, or do we introduce somebody else and spice

things up in the bedroom? I am going to start straightaway with Mark

McDermott, right at the back. I'm from Stoke Newington. My head says

to me that we should stay. My heart says go. Which of these should I

follow? To be clear, all of the voices in your head are saying...

Absolutely, all six! You are in conflict? Yes, the battle between

reason and emotion. What emotion makes you think we should leave? I

suppose part of me thinks it would be nice to be great again, wouldn't

it? Great Britain and all that. I suppose that harks back to Victorian

times, the Empire. We haven't got one any more. How old are you? Can I

just say, on that basis, I would have to vote to remain. If we are

harking back to Victorian times, I'm in a lot of trouble.

Jeremy, what are your thoughts? We won't be great if we leave, Scotland

will leave. They will be annoyed at England and we will not be the UK.

Ukip will just be IP. That would be quite a funny name for a party. But

we will be diminished, Scotland will be furious. If I lived in Scotland,

I would probably vote for independence, if I lived in America

I would probably weigh 40 stone and think the earth was only 4000 years

old. A pointless observation, I know. Nina? Being in the EU is being

in a relationship. Are you married? Yes. Did you use your heart or your

head when he met her? My heart. Any other organs involved? I knew he

would bring the tone down! The point being, this is as important as,

personally, a marriage. It is a big decision. If you went with your

heart on that, do you think, that feeling, if you went with your heart

on this particular decision, would you get the same outcome? Would you

get a wonderful relationship and marriage or a divorce where you

still want good benefits? It boils down to how much you like your wife,

really. Katherine? What worries me is that you have said you want to

make Britain great, I'm voting with my heart. What we have seen in

America with Donald Trump's campaign, Make America Great Again,

a lot of voters don't understand his policies but understand how he makes

them feel. What he's saying is not making sense, but you hear great,

though, I want to be great! You need to make a decision like that with

your head, especially if your heart might be racist... I don't know!

Maybe your heart is concerned with trading deficit? I don't know. I

would disagree with Nina, it is not like a marriage. I'm 32 and I have

friends that have been married eight times, you can get in and out of

that thing. This is a once in a generation vote. I'll move on and

try to find Barbara Halton. What is your question? My dog enjoys

swanning around Europe on her holidays, at the moment, the cover

on the pet passport has eight European flag. In the event of

Brexit, I wondered what might be a good design for the new passport?

Why is it her second passport? Chic travels so much she has filled at

the first one. Your dog isn't Michael Portillo? She is half

Yorkshire terrier. What is her favourite country? Lichtenstein.

Really? Is that for tax reasons or... Is your company registered in

the dog's name? What would be on the front cover of the passport for your

dog if it was not the European flag? Churchill! The Prime Minister or the

dog? We need to be 100% clear. They look the same. Is there a picture of

your dog in the passport? Yes, would you like to see? Well, I might as

well. The depressing thing is that it is probably easier for that dog

to get into America than me! I did a horrible thing. When I first

came to the UK, I wanted to bring my dog. You do have to go through

DEFRA, send away the blood, it costs a fortune. I did it months in

advance. Then my dog was so small I did not want it under the plane for

eight hours on the way to the UK. They said if it was a service and

like to bring it with me in the cabin. It is just in a bag under the

seat. I would call that the service animal places and be, like, can you

train my dog to be a service animal? They can't legally ask what is wrong

with you, that's really offensive. You can't be, like, well, what you

got? They would not train my dog because they knew it was a scam. I

made him a little vest that said, don't pet me, I'm working. And

then... I came to the desk and they were so nice to me. They were, like,

a service dog! I was so nervous, I was just... They're really thought I

was having some kind of diabetic shock and they let me on the plane

with my little dog. I was panicking and then they said, you have to sit

in business class because it is our policy and you get two seats. I was,

like, please, no. They would come by and they would want to see the dog.

They really wanted to ask what I had. They didn't and I made it.

I have been living in fear, I am so glad I could talk about that today.

I'm glad you were able to share. I am sure I speak for us all when I

say we are going to miss you. Barbara, you didn't really get to

the bottom, I think it should be a profile picture of Katherine, in

honour of that. Thank you, Barbara. I'm going to try to find Peter from

Cornwall. What would you like to ask? For me, the referendum is

proving some of the people I call friends are coming out of the closet

racists. My idea is perhaps if we vote Remaining, we can exchange them

for an economic migrant with better culinary skills? This goes to the

core of what a lot of people are worried about, immigration and the

thought that if you discuss immigration then you could run the

risk of being called a racist, that is what you have heard from your

friends, stronger than just wanted to have an open discussion about

immigration? Absolutely, ridiculous statements labelling entire races or

religious beliefs with one factor... I think you have got shit friends! A

select file -- a few. It's very hard to be xenophobic in Cornwall, it

would be exhausting. Trying to find negative stereotypes with bloody

everybody coming here with their everything. It is always in places

where there are hardly any immigrants were people are most

freaked out. There were talking to people in Sunderland, well, the

terrible problem with immigration, they said, have you had any problems

with immigrants? Well, not me personally. Are there any immigrants

in... Well, not in Sunderland as such, but in London. Isn't it nice

that people care so much? I bet when he is asked about transport issues,

I think that the Victoria line should be expanded to Streatham.

It's potentially hazardous at peak times. The only thing I would say is

that if we are planning to enact this policy, we should keep it under

our hats. I don't think the way that we win round some voters is saying

that if we remain we are going to start swapping out white people!

Will you be able to go back to your mates and have a more robust

discussion about what they are saying? Yes, definitely. Good luck

with that. Alistair, next. Right in the middle, from Glasgow? Did you

come down for the day or... Specifically to see this. I'm sure.

Don't take the piss. What would you like to ask? If we vote to leave the

EU, how quickly will I be able to buy a more powerful hoover? You have

hit a chord with the audience, at the moment you are not allowed to

have a hoover with a certain amount of power? Is that right? I'll come

straight out, I don't know anything about hoover!. I don't know the unit

of sucking. A-lister, you would like a stronger

hoover? -- Alistair. Is that why all of your stuff is rubbish? Is it the

EU? Like radiators, the most ridiculous way to heat a space I

have seen. What do you do? You have hairdryers? We have forced hot air

coming in vents, it's very cold in Canada, you will die without that.

You come here, they say, just heat up that piece of metal in the

corner. Before that, we used to burn the poor! We have an amazing three

Mac. Better than here? Yes, and I never knew why. Now I know it is the

EU, it changes everything. They have this extraordinary ability to suck

up most of the carpet and leave fluff still on the floor. That is

why you start turning them into stupid hand dryers, so embarrassing

at motorway services. I used to like some blue towel, with some mucus.

Now you stand there, going... To be honest I get excited when I

see a Dyson air blade. My visit to the toilet would be more fun. I am

with you. If you take the ship in one of those it comes out as the

original. An amazing piece of technology. I will be sure not to

follow you! Do you know why the EU decided we should not have powerful

Hoovers? Probably energy saving. Is that the same reason why we have

energy-saving light bulbs? This is such a big issue for people and when

it comes down to it it is like, we should save the planet and she is

like, absolutely not if it means my Hoover is less powerful, I would

rather we all died! I think if we did leave someone would walk quickly

start to make more powerful Hoovers. Just be able to clean your house

from here. Dyson would we be up! I hate myself! -- would clean up. K

from Hertfordshire now, what would you like to ask? I wonder if you

think all the polish shops will close if we vote to leave the EU? We

have got four of them up the road in Boreham Wood and they're handy

because they open late and they sell all kinds of strange food and jam.

They are very friendly. Are you in fact from Poland! These things

become part of us, the way Indian and British food have merged, and in

a few years Polish restaurants will be serving beetroot carry and things

like that. Polish, do you use those delicatessens? Yes they are so

different from boring old Tesco. Other boring supermarkets are

available! Nina, do you like Polish food? I

think it would be a shame to lose any kind of supermarket that has

food from a country that is part of us right now. It would be a shame.

People in Hounslow would be happy because then all the Indian shops

would come back. Bloody white people with their beer and sausages! It was

terrible for other people came here. When I was growing up in the 1960s

in the suburbs everything closed at five o'clock and the whole place

smelt like cabbage. The only place that you could get olive oil was at

the chemist. You put it in your ear. How can you fry something in your

ears! Why did they do that? We were at war! You did not ask questions.

You guys are lucky my relatives came over and took over the health

service! You used a poor olive oil in your

ear, do not try it at home and do not do what my mum did and put

vinegar in as well. A sterile dressing! Thank you for that free

advertisement. Let's move on. Hugh, down here. What

can we do for you? As an Irishman I have found comfort in the fact that

the UK is part of the EU and so much less likely to invade Ireland again.

If the UK leads who would they invade first and why? We will leave

Ireland alone, we have had all the valuable stuff! One thing about

British history, we do not invade things, OK! I do not know what you

said, I was trying to decide if I fancied you or not. I'm Irish. Even

though I talk like this I have an Irish passport. I thought we were in

there like swimwear with you guys. People say you do not have to show a

passport coming between the UK and the Republic of Ireland. But you do.

I was in Ireland and I asked what the problem was with passports and

they said Ireland had a terrible problem with immigration. Ireland,

which single-handedly populated the entire world! Are you in a

relationship? I could be! Would be tricky to you if we exit? There is

the Anglo Irish agreement, we are all right. Thank you for asking that

question. I will book probably be voting in and out, out and in. This

is why I am alone! Just swap numbers and we can move on.

Thank you. This is going to be good, the two people either side of him

immediately went, Jesus! Do you know the people either side of you?

Unfortunately they know me. What is the relationship? Good friends,

wife. That did not come out right! You have much to learn. What would

you like to ask? My wife likes German men. I like Italian women.

This is a happy marriage! Switzerland would be a compromise.

If we leave the EU will be still be able to fancy those nationalities?

You're not supposed to anyway! Fidelity is nothing to do with the

EU, it is a moral responsibility. Why do you like German men? Is it

the uniform! It is the Aryan look. And yet you marry your husband. That

is because he wears a uniform! What kind of uniform? The Fire Service.

APPLAUSE. Some people are in open

relationships. It is not better or worse than any monogamous

relationship. If you like to swing with German men and Italian women

you can continue to do so but you will need a Visa. I think we covered

that question already with logging. Glad to have helped. Nice to have

met you. So employed from east London. -- Sam Floyd. Like much of

my demographic a lot of my disposable income is spent on

hummous. If it goes up in price, how would I cope? Are you a student? No.

No need to be so defensive. You have disposable income, enough to buy

yourself a bit of hummous. How do you take it? With salary. No, you

are an absolute pussy. Get a tub of hummous, get a spoon and go to town

on it. It is not Europe, it is Middle Eastern. It will not be

affected. Why so much hummous? Looking at my outgoings, especially

rent, and then after that it is Mediterranean dips. So hard to get

on the hummous ladder these days. You know that you can make your own.

But you wanted finally landed, not the kind of chunky, local authority

leaving do kind of hummous. Really smooth like in a Lebanese

restaurant. A little drizzle of olive oil. Chunky hummous was my

wrestling name. I followed a recipe one time, it said you have to peel

each chickpea before blending. At first I thought it was an April

fool. But actually it is quite easy, you just squeeze it and the inside

pops out. You discard the shell and with it up. And the hummous you get

from that is exactly the same... But you could use the shell to make your

clothes. Exactly, you can nip them into gloves. I really hope we do not

leave the EU! I feel for you, in the eye of the storm. Worrying about the

price of hummous. Good luck to you, by the bust up were right there for

you. Graham now from Chichester. I have a 50p piece with an EU flag on

the tail side. In the event of a vote to leave Will I still be able

to spend it as legal tender or keep it in case it is worth money in the

future? You sound like a fun guy to go around with! Any advice for Mr

big spender? Do you have one of those tables that you need to get to

the right level? You could use it for that. You can buy something for

that, for around 70p. I think we should all stand above the white

cliffs of Dover and throw those 50p pieces at France if we leave. You

have got banknotes with Ebola Dickens and Shakespeare, oh, they're

dead! Hang onto it, it you never know what will happen and if nothing

else it will make a fascinating episode of Flog It in the future.

Going out to some we did not get the chance to get to. Sally Mitchell

from Harrogate, am I more likely to sleep with Gerard Depardieu if we

stay in Europe? Yes, but if we leave you will be able to sleep with

morbidly obese tax dodgers from the Commonwealth. Joe Hunter from

Durban, I do not know which way to vote, can you convince me in three

words? Do not be racist. Rebecca West from London, why is it

hard to get young people to vote? My daughter is young and if she is

anything to go by, she hates anything that she is not good at

straightaway. I think perhaps young people are intimidated but they need

to know that very stupid people are voting all the time and they can do

it. If we leave will all the clocks go back in the autumn? They would

have to go back to Switzerland! That is about it from us. Thank you for

all your questions and I would like to thank my helpers. Jeremy, Nina,

Catherine and Laois. -- Nish. A wise man makes his own

decisions and immigrant man follows public opinion, an old Chinese

proverb. Which is brilliant, or is it, what do you think?

Just when you think you've got it all sorted...