Episode 1 John Bishop's Britain

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, thank you. Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

CHEERING

The BBC were supposed to be screening six programmes

entitled "Fabio's Glorious World Cup Victory"...

They phoned me up and said, "Look, we've got a bit of a gap, do you think you can fill it?"

I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity like that.

Obviously, it was short notice.

Michael McIntyre would probably have had six months!

The BBC do tend to treat Scouse comedians in the same way

we all treat Polish builders.

They don't give us enough time, they don't give us enough money

and they're banking on the fact that if I can't deliver it, I'll get my brothers in to help at the end!

So this is how the show works.

Each week, I'll talk about a different topic that affects everybody in Britain.

Tonight, that topic's love and marriage.

To help me get to grips with the topic, I've interviewed

hundreds of British people about it.

Some of them you might recognise, some you may not.

Looking at them, you can see why nobody's bothered invading us for 1,000 years!

They've all shared their opinions with us and here's a taster of what's coming up tonight.

It's chicken, it's cheap and it's fun.

Naked, in my heels.

-Perfect.

-I was 28 and he was 65.

Let's get arrested!

Give it some of this, some of that.

-Pooh splattered up my legs.

-She stunk.

Had a nice - and slightly naughty - evening!

There's nothing wrong with darts at all!

LAUGHTER

We'll be hearing more of what they think throughout the show,

plus there'll be the odd sketch to help explain what I'm on about.

This week, I've chosen the biggie - it's love and marriage.

And there's a reason for that. There's a reason I chose this

as the first topic. It's because if it wasn't for love and marriage,

I wouldn't be here, I would not be doing this job. The reason was,

I fell in love with someone, we got married,

we reached that point, when you've been married for seven or eight years,

where you both wake up one morning, look at each other and think,

"Would it be better if you just fuck off and live somewhere else?"

I was depressed...

By the afternoon on Monday, I'd be drunk, watching daytime telly.

Sad, looking at Richard and Judy, thinking, "Why can't I be that happy?"

LOUD LAUGHTER

Maybe I should have married my auntie.

I thought, "I can't go on like this. I need to do something about it."

You've got your mates to talk to and your mates are just blokes.

If you say, "I'm really depressed, I'm upset,"

they'll look at you and go...

.."Do you want a game of darts?"

I thought, "I can't go on like this. I need to do something about it."

I was living in Manchester at the time

so I went to a comedy club.

The guy on the door said, "It's an open mike night which means if you put your name down,

"you get in for free. If you don't, it's £4 to get in."

I was getting divorced so I thought, "That's four quid she's not having!"

I put my name down, expecting there to be 300 people in the venue.

I walked in, there was seven people in there.

Seven. Five had put their name down.

Of those five, three of them were not allowed to touch the cutlery.

There was a guy on the stage doing chicken impressions

and I was thinking, "Surely this isn't the night?"

My name got called out second, I walked on the stage.

I was meant to do seven minutes. In the end, I did 35.

Not all of it is funny, I've got to be honest,

because I just started talking about getting divorced.

It wasn't meant to be funny, I was just getting it off my chest.

But any man in this room or at home, who's been married for eight years,

and someone gives you an opportunity to talk for 35 minutes,

without interruption, you take it!

I come off at the end, the guy running the venue said,

"Well, that was interesting," he said.

"The bits where you were crying weren't that funny..."

He said, "But you're better than the chicken,

"so why don't you come back next week?"

I was on the stage one night and I was doing a gig.

I used to have this joke.

I used to say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a bit sad tonight.

"I've just split up with my wife."

AUDIENCE: Aaaw!

"It's all right, it's not that sad.

"We're not divorced or anything, I've just killed her."

But I knew I was going to miss her

so I kept her head in the fridge for three months,

which at times proved quite handy. Er...

I know!

I KNOW!

I know, I think I've got better as well

but I used to do that joke and I was on the stage one night,

I said that joke, I turned to the left and in the semi-darkness,

I saw the head that was meant to be in the fridge.

Not just the head, obviously, the whole body.

We were weeks away from being divorced,

so as soon as I saw her, the first thing that went through my mind is, "That's going to cost me 20 grand!"

But it wasn't like that, something wonderful happened.

I walked over to her at the bar later, she was stood at the bar.

She said, "That was wonderful." I said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "It was great to see you again, you were like the man I met 12 years ago.

"You've got that glint in your eye and a spring in your step

"and that look on your face that's full of cheekiness and happiness."

She said, "What happened to you?"

I said, "I married you!"

Then she said what only a woman would say.

She said, "Do you think we can do something about it?" I said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "Do something, like go and talk to someone?"

I mean, not anyone. You don't get on a bus and say,

"Look, mate, I know you're busy with that kebab but we've been having a few problems..."

But we did get back together, and so I've always been thankful

that comedy exists cos it saved me from a very dark place

and it give me the happiness that I've always sought.

To kick off the show, we have to start at the very beginning -

finding love.

Well, I met my wonderful wife, Nikki, when she was a friend

of my daughter Deborah's, and Deborah suggested you come round to see me,

-didn't she?

-Yeah.

-Talk to me, and that.

-That's it, yep.

I was 28 and he was 65.

I'd been blown out by the girl of my dreams.

I was desperate to take a girl to this disco,

taking place just off the Battersea Park Road.

The only other woman I knew in the world was my boss' new secretary,

absolutely dreadful woman.

I'm not looking for a girlfriend because...

just the drama, the stress, the credit!

I haven't got enough credit, I've got, like, 30 texts and 300 minutes!

At the end of the evening, when they were playing the equivalent of Lady In Red, probably the last waltz,

I said, "Do you want to go out again then?"

She said, "If we have to."

And 40 years on, she's still my wife!

We met at a Christmas party.

I first met my wife in a London nightclub.

Had a very nice - and slightly naughty - evening. It was very good!

I'd never been attracted to an Indian lady in my life

but this was love at first sight. That was it.

On the dance floor, Ginger Rogers, Fred Astaire, give it some of this.

I give her the chat-up line, I can't remember what it was but at the end of the night,

I give her a fag packet with "Please phone Dave, xxx".

And to this day, she still has that fag packet...

along with everything else I've given her! She keeps it all,

you've got to love her.

To me, that just shows you how Britain has changed.

I can't remember, when I was teenager, thinking,

"I'd better not have a girlfriend, I haven't got enough credit."

There was a point, I think, where finances did come into it.

There was often the occasion where you looked and thought,

"Have I got enough cider in this bottle

"to get her pissed enough to get her tits out?" There was that.

But there wasn't that issue of credit.

But also, something that was said there by Dave, the cage fighter,

which people in this room under 25 will have no idea what he was on about -

giving your phone number to someone at the end of the night.

In fact, looking round this room, I can see ten-to-two couples.

There was a time, ten to two, ten to two, that was the point

all the men would be there like lions looking for an antelope with a limp. We're like...

If you left it until ten to two, what you got is what you deserved.

And that's the way it used to work.

There used to be music on all night and then they'd come to a point,

it'd be ten to two and the DJ said, "It's ten to two, let's put a slowie on." Then you'd grab a girl.

That was where you'd been looking at a girl all night

and this was your opportunity to rub your erection against her.

That's what we did. That was our form of text messaging, that was it.

But we also had the gamble because now, what you've got,

you've got mobile phones.

You've got the ability to give a number straight away, to swap.

We didn't have that. We used to write it and give it to them

and hope that they would phone up.

It's amazing that we even bred!

Because you would give the number to someone who was drunk

and hope they'd remember who you were, and then phone up, and then,

when they phoned up, there was no answer machine,

there was your mum!

And if your mum didn't like the sound of her voice,

you never even knew she phoned!

The problem with me, as I said before,

is I met a girl from another world, I met a girl from Manchester,

and so I emigrated.

And that's what happens. Men emigrate, we emigrate.

Women don't emigrate because you've got the prize, we haven't.

If you're a man and you fall in love with a girl, you see her and go,

"I love you."

And she goes, "I know."

"I love you."

And you go, "But I don't like where you live."

"I don't give a shit.

"These live where I live."

"I like them."

"Well, you'll have to live here then, won't you?"

Then you move there and never bleedin' see them again!

But to find love, the most important thing you've got to do

is you've got to impress the opposite sex...

Sadly, being an only child and a trainspotter,

you haven't got too much idea of what to say to a girl

when you wanted to take her out.

I would stand very nervously, shuffling from foot to foot,

with clammy hands and a cold sore in waiting.

I used to have a thing about walking across tables with lots of glasses,

naked, in my heels.

And my diamonds.

I actually still do it.

When I was 16, I had more confidence than anyone I knew, I was a proper little stud.

Women wanted me, men wanted to be me. I had lots of hair.

And then I started going bald and I was a slaphead.

A lot of people aren't too attracted to the fact that

I'm dealing with a lot of blood and guts every day,

I cut a lot of meat up.

I pull heads off dead chicks.

I've decided to go for the Bruce Willis look now, the mean man.

But I look more like Danny DeVito than Bruce Willis!

I'm usually covered in sweat and pooh

and that's not very attractive to most men.

Now, I know there's people in here tonight from St Helens,

who are thinking, "Sweat and pooh, what's wrong with that?"

But it is difficult because the politics have changed of how you impress the opposite sex.

I went to a mate's house recently, I went to make a cup of tea.

I opened the cupboard. In his cupboard, he had the full range

of tea lights. Now, let's be honest, tea lights.

We didn't even know what tea lights were before IKEA came.

None of us had tea lights.

I was a product of the three-day week when we had proper blackouts,

when a candle was a candle, not a little dwarf candle in its own tray.

A proper candle. That's when you needed a candle.

I don't remember my mum, during the blackouts, saying to my dad,

"Listen, Ernie, can you find any tea lights?"

And my dad saying, "Yeah, love, they're over there by the potpourri."

But now, I said to him, "Why have you got all these tea lights?"

He said, "You need them. If you bring a chick back to your flat

"and you're a single man and you put tea lights everywhere,

"she thinks, 'Oh, he's sensitive! I might have sex with him!'"

Not surprisingly, he's still single.

But things do change. There's one thing that always happens,

particularly when you've been married for a while or lived with a woman for a while.

And that's when you get the opportunity to go away, on a stag do

or a mates weekend, you always get that look.

That look that says, "Oh, you're off, are you?

"You're off with your mates, are you?

"Off on a weekend with your mates, are you?

"Going to be having a drink, are you, eh? Eh?

"Going to be getting pissed up with your mates?

"Going to be at the bar, having a drink?

"Going clubbing? Going clubbing, are you? Will you be dancing, eh?

"Chatting up women? Going to be chatting up women? Hmm..."

I'm going to let every woman in the country know that that's not going to happen.

When a man has lived with a woman for more than five years,

don't worry about him, let him go.

He's not going to chat anyone up.

Cos when you've lived with a woman for more than five years,

you don't know how.

Cos somehow, during those five years, you suck the chat-up lines out of our heads.

It's true. When you've lived with a woman for more than five years,

you only know how to ask for sex one way.

You can't walk up to someone you don't know in the bar

and just press into her back.

CHEERING

And just hope she turns round and says, "Oh, go on then.

"You do the kids in the morning."

Part of the reason you stay married is so that you don't have to try and impress the opposite sex

and to avoid the hell of dating.

On a first date, I like to take girls to KFC.

You get chicken and it's cheap and it's fun.

A mate of mine set me up on a blind date.

He said, "I've got this really fit girl for you."

He was going out with the mate.

I said, "Fine, I'll go along with that." Anyway, she stunk, she was really sweaty.

I didn't want to give off any snogging vibes

so I just stood my distance.

The benches outside Asda, McDonald's, the park,

you get me? Them kind of low-price friendly places.

I don't think I've ever been on a date.

All the blokes I've ever been out with,

I've just kind of picked up in the pub.

My first date with my boyfriend, he picked me up from work.

I was wearing little shorts,

and my vest which was torn and holes,

I had blood up my arms, my hair was frizzy,

pooh splattered up my legs.

Er...but he really liked it.

Kevin's idea of impressing me when we first got together

was taking me to a good darts match on a Monday night,

in a pub where you'd wipe your feet on the way out, not the way in!

There's nothing wrong with darts at all!

I think the main difference now between people dating,

as opposed to even five years ago, is probably Facebook.

A mate of mine is having a baby with a woman he met off the internet.

-I could spend hours on Facebook.

-Yep.

-Just perfect.

My opinion of internet dating? Er, not really for me.

My fiance stumbled across me on the internet and sent me a message

to my YouTube account.

There's a list of things they want, the females want.

"Must be solvent, must be successful".

Three years later, we've never spent a day apart!

Internet dating, let's be honest, that's something new.

I think we can all guess what site her boyfriend stumbled across.

What I need to ask... I don't know if this will actually reveal anything

but is there anyone in this room who's ever done internet dating?

Now... Oh-ho-ho!

You know what, I thought there's no chance, I thought it'd be like dogging.

If you ask people, they'll go...

-If you don't mind me asking, what's your name?

-Chris.

-Chris and?

-Shirley.

-Chris and Shirley.

-And I'm assuming that you're here together?

-No.

-No.

You're not here together? You just happened to sit next to each other

and have both done internet dating.

You know what that shows you? Leave it to fate. You never know what'll happen.

The whole premise of internet dating

is you put in a profile of someone you want.

You say what you want and hopefully that's what you get.

I got a mate who put in that he wanted a blonde with reasonable-sized breasts,

who was posh but not too bright.

He got Boris Johnson.

I've got to be honest with you,

the internet wasn't as prevalent when I was on the dating scene.

In fact, internet dating wasn't invented, we just had Ceefax.

With Ceefax, it was shit.

It's very difficult to cop off with a woman who looks like she's made of Lego.

But of course, the worst thing in the world is meeting the parents.

I hate it, I hate meeting girls' families!

If you meet anyone's parents, they'll hate you

and the first thing they'll say is, "Don't you hurt her!"

They always hate the guy, you see it in the films, they hate the guy.

And I just hate it. If I'm seeing a girl, no family please.

First time I met my wife's parents was a nightmare. And it was me,

I was cocky, I don't know what it was, I was like, "I'll show them."

I had a vest right down there,

my chest hanging out, "All right, mate, how's it going?"

Kevin wanted to pick me up with his passion wagon

from where I was living with my parents.

I had to convince Kevin to wait round the corner...

-It was an Escort, Mark III.

-Great, really exciting!

Big winkle-picker, big cowboy boots,

I was like, "You're lucky to have me as your daughter's wife...son, whatever, you're lucky..."

My wife was cringing there, couldn't get me out of the house fast enough.

It was a boy racer's car and that wasn't the image...

Kevin wasn't that, so it gave him the wrong image.

Him and the car didn't go together. You'd have been better off with a Mini Metro!

Ah... Thanks, love.

Did you hear that noise that came from Kevin then? "Ah..."

-Ah...

-That's like a dog whistle noise that only married men could hear his sadness.

"Ah..." You know all his mates are going, "Mini Metro? Kev, you're a dickhead."

But it is difficult when you meet someone new cos things are different.

When I met my wife - she's posh,

she's middle-class, very different from me.

When I first met her, I remember the first time she ever said to me,

"Do you want some couscous?" I thought it was a sexual position.

I said, "Where shall I get changed?"

Then you've got to meet her parents and that was difficult as well.

Melanie, my wife, her dad's one of those people who answers the phone by telling you the phone number.

And that's all he said to me for two years, 3-5-4-8,

that's all he ever said!

When I first knocked at the door, I expected him to tell me the address.

But he was all right. The biggest disaster was when I met her mum

because her mum at the time was living in the Lake District and we went up to see her.

We went up on a Sunday, and it was time for Sunday lunch,

and it was when football started being played on a Sunday.

So you could watch it on the television.

And we were sat there, and her mum tried to engage me in conversation,

as she was preparing the Sunday lunch.

And without even thinking about it, subconsciously, I nodded,

reached over and just highered up the television.

Now, fair play to Melanie's mum, she never mentioned that.

Even though that must have really annoyed her,

she never mentioned it until we split up.

Then she said, "Well, it'll suit you now, cos you can watch as much telly as you want."

I said, "Do you mind? You're in the way."

I don't see her a lot now, she lives in Spain

which is not as far away as you think, to be honest.

The worst thing is, when a mate says to you that he's getting married,

you don't think, "What a joyous union of two people who are in love!

"Hopefully they can create a harmonious family."

No, you think, "Stag do, stag do, stag do!"

Stag do's? They're all much of a muchness, aren't they?

They're pretty much everyone goes out, gets drunk, leers at women,

letches at women and then goes back home drunk.

People just change, they're weird on stag do's.

Big drink-up, bit of a pub crawl...

Weeeh... Banter.

Make your mate look really ridiculous.

Let's get arrested!

My stag do would be so sick, it would...

The music! The bass...

I hate it when I'm listening to music and there's no bass!

The most memorable stag do I went to was my younger brother

and it was in Amsterdam.

I think the way the British do their stag do's is really fun,

everybody does something different.

My friends picking up ladyboys has been twice now so yeah, that's what's happened!

A lot of the things that happened in Amsterdam will remain in Amsterdam.

I couldn't think of anything worse, drinking with a load of girls,

watching some stripper. It's not my thing.

On my friend's hen party, it was crazy.

We had some tasks set aside she had to do

and one of them was to go round and find a bloke

to take his boxer shorts off and she was to wear them on her head for the rest of the night.

At the end of the night, she went to take them off

and she noticed there was a massive pooh stain inside the boxer shorts!

You have got to wonder, haven't you?

If two of your mates had copped off with a ladyboy,

you'd go somewhere else. You'd do something different.

And stag do's have gone mad. I got married 16 years ago,

my stag do was a traditional stag do.

You know, it was Yates's Wine Lodge, got stripped naked,

got chained to a gate. After 16 years of marriage, I miss that gate.

But then things changed and everyone started going over to Amsterdam

and that was mental.

The first time I went to Amsterdam, I couldn't believe it.

I tried to stay and get a job as a window-cleaner.

I said to the girl, "Listen, it'll be dead cheap, I don't need the water or bucket or anything..."

And that's a very difficult place. If you go on a stag do to Amsterdam,

you come home with a credit-card slip

from a place called "Amsterdam's Secret Attic",

it's very difficult trying to pretend that that's actually Anne Frank's house.

But hen nights have now become a big industry as well.

And the thing is about hen nights,

you are much more graphic in hen nights.

It's all "a little bit of fun" but hen nights always involve

penis-shaped deelyboppers coming out of their heads.

Penis-shaped straws,

the bride-to-be always has a penis-shaped balloon.

That's just wrong!

If you were on a stag do and you had a fanny-shaped balloon...

That's if you can buy one and you've got to look on very special sites to get them, to be honest!

And there's also this thing about dressing up the bride-to-be.

There's that thing of saying, "Let's give her really little wings"

cos you look at her and think, "You'll never take off in them!"

And this thing as well of putting an L-plate on the bride.

I don't know who started that but let's be honest,

if you're going to put motor-vehicle signs on a girl,

let's be honest, let's put "Wide Load".

Or "Baby On Board".

Anyway, we've got to move on to the big one,

the big one that everyone thinks of, particularly little girls - the dream wedding.

Took ten years to get Joanne to marry me, three attempts.

-But, yeah...

-Two really, one was rubbish.

-It was.

-It wasn't...it was.

I've got no intention of getting married

cos it'll just end in divorce.

What's the point in spending 30 grand on a wedding?

If I got married, I'd have a circus theme for my wedding.

My dream wedding would be the celebrity-style wedding.

I'd like it quite traditional.

I'd ride to the event, which would be a marquee.

Really expensive, you know, in a castle, you've got the huge dress.

I'd quite like Westminster Abbey.

I'd wear my all-in-one, which is red and silver

and I'd have a black train on it.

-Loads of family and friends.

-Loads of animals.

Florence + The Machine to sing.

Huge ring, massive party afterwards.

I'd ride in on a camel, I'd have fire-breathers...

Fairy lights in trees, and...

The business, but again, really expensive!

Don't get me wrong, it'd be a nice day but...

I'd rather spend it on an extension or a car, or a holiday, or a hair transplant!

Get her a boob job, we're laughing!

Just give me a cheer if you're married?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

And give me a cheer if you're not.

AUDIENCE CHEERS LOUDLY

That was just so much more energy in that second cheer, wasn't there?

That first cheer was "OK, normally of a Saturday, we're just looking at each other,

"thinking, 'Why don't you just hurry up and die?

"'Then I can get the house and do what I want with my life.'"

Did you... Are you married? You're married to him? What's your name?

-Jackie.

-Jackie and?

-Mark.

Jackie and Mark. How long have you been married?

13 years.

13 years? Oooh!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-A child bride.

-A child bride.

Why, where are you from? Norfolk?

Where did you meet?

-At work.

-I can't understand it when people meet at work,

why their marriages often fail. Surely, when you meet at work,

every year you sit down, you have an appraisal. You look at each other and go,

"How do you think you're doing this year?

"What's your objectives for next year? Where do you see yourself in five years' time?"

"Living somewhere else."

You'll never admit to being married again, will you?

What you can't see, she's got a lovely warm face and in his eyes,

you can see he's thinking, "Will you just piss off!"

The big thing is, you've got to make the cut.

The last wedding we were invited to, we never made the cut.

We made the evening do

which means you know there's other people they like more than you.

Even though they'd only invited us to the evening do -

you know who you are, Richard and Margaret -

you only invited us to the evening do, we still got the wedding list.

There's not an evening wedding list, a cheap one,

you still get the wedding list.

The wedding list is always from John Lewis, where no-one shops unless someone else is paying.

We got this wedding list and on it, it had goblets.

24 goblets.

Each goblet cost 12.99.

You'd never buy 24 goblets at 12.99 if you were paying!

24... In fact, who needs 24 goblets?

Unless you're a Viking and you're having a party.

The other thing that's changed as well with weddings

is the fact that now we have disposable cameras.

Every time you turn up at a wedding now, on the table, there's a bunch of disposable cameras.

Your job as the wedding guest is to take photographs

with your camera and then you leave it at the end,

so that the bride and groom can get it developed

and they can see what the wedding looked like for you.

That's a lovely thought but we all know, every man looks at every other man when there's a disposable camera

and thinks, "Cock shot".

Come on, lads, one of us has got to do the cock shot.

And the maddest thing about the cock shot

is it's the worst joke in the world cos you're never there when the joke's revealed,

when they're looking through the pictures, "There's Auntie Marg...

"Oh, look, there's Uncle Barry's cock."

It's nice that he brought it with him, eh?

I've got to say, that works at wedding,

don't do it at christenings, it changes the atmosphere.

And also now, there's this common thing as well

of when you sit down at the table -

it happened at the last wedding me and Melanie went to -

and everyone at the meal received a lottery ticket.

I thought, "That's wonderful, that is."

There's wonderful honesty in that of saying, "Look, we're having a gamble, why don't you?"

But let's be frank, we all love a good wedding.

My only two stipulations for the wedding, because my wife did everything else,

I said, "Look, I just want to organise the cars."

So I had two massive white stretch limos.

Back 20 years ago, no-one had them.

And, house and garage music at the after-party, at the party,

I didn't want normal wedding music, that'd drive me mad.

I wanted busting eardrums, massive speakers,

all the grannies getting their ears blown off, that's what I wanted and that's what I got.

Our wedding day was very emotional.

I was fine, stood at the top of the aisle,

and then the music started.

Not just tears, I...

SHE IMITATES SOBBING

The whole works, very like you're watching the saddest film,

rather than the happiest day of your life.

As I was walking down, I could hear people saying,

"I don't think she wants to get married, she's crying!"

At our wedding, my dad had a few to drink...

As they do...

And he made a joke about him being an OAP.

He actually said, "Well, when Nikki first brought Pete round,

"I said to her, 'Is your new boyfriend shy or something?'

"Nikki said, 'No, why's that?' So I said, 'I just looked out the window

"'and he's brought his grandad along.'"

The worst speech I've ever heard at a wedding

was the best man got up to do his speech and he went,

"Well, I've had some fantastic threesomes with this man,

"I haven't bedded the bridesmaids but the mother-in-laws got it last night".

When I came to do my speech at the wedding, I said to him,

"Remember, Andrew, you're not so much losing a daughter

"as gaining an old-age pensioner."

At the end of the speech, the bride was crying,

everyone was just in bits, there was no-one making a sound except for one man...

At the end of the night, a man in a wheelchair came up to him

and said, "I've been waiting all my life to hear something like that!"

He was the only person that found it funny.

They still don't speak to him to this day - not good!

That's the worst thing about it at a wedding.

You sit there as the groom and you look over and you go,

"Is that the best man I know? Gary..."

It doesn't matter cos once the wedding's done, life changes anyway.

Things change.

You see it changing in your house.

Tampon boxes turn up.

They used to be hidden. All of a sudden, they're just there.

They're in your face, like flags on a beach saying, "You can't go swimming today or you might die."

I think also, you can plot a relationship

by the way you used to give each other presents.

When you're first married, giving each other presents is special.

Christmas comes along, you can't wait for it.

I remember what it was like, it was great

cos you get that first present and you go home and wrap it up.

You give it to them, and they go, "That's perfect."

You go, "I know...

"So are you."

Then you get to that second phase in a relationship, you say,

"I'm going to buy you a present so why don't you come and pick it?"

And you come to the shop and pick it. Then you go to the till and pay for it, and at the till,

you take it off them

and you wrap it up like you're hiding it.

Then you give it to them, they open it and go, "That's perfect."

You go, "I know, you picked it!"

Then you get to that third stage of a relationship

where you say, "I'm going to buy you a present, so why don't you come to the shop and pick it?"

And they come to the shop and pick it.

You go to the till and pay for it and at the till,

you go, "Here you are."

And then you get to that fourth stage,

possibly the stage that I've been at, where you say,

"Look, you know I'm going to buy you a present,

"I know you're going to buy me a present,

"so why don't we just keep the money?"

And that's wrong. You've got to try and keep the magic alive.

When we first got married, what I used to do at Christmas, I'd get Melanie a special present.

Then I'd get all the little presents that were clues to where the special present was.

Then on a CD, I'd put all the songs that she'd listen to

throughout the year, all her favourite songs.

While I played the songs, she'd go looking for the little presents.

Every time she found one, which was a clue to where the big present was, she'd look at me

and her little nose would wrinkle up.

And she got dimples and she'd go like that with her dimples.

Little dimples, little nose and she'd look and go, "Oooh..."

And I'd go, "Oooh..."

You know, after 16 years, the way they breathe...

You know what I mean? It's just constant, isn't it?

Every day, in and out, in and out.

You know things have changed when the idea of having a night away

sounds like, "Do you want to have an argument in a car for three hours?"

You can see that the spark's died.

Something happened to us recently where I realised the spark was dying

because she'd filled the bath, my wife had filled the bath.

She wasn't in the bath but she'd filled the bath for preparation for getting in the bath.

I walked into the bathroom and I needed a dump.

I didn't have it in the bath!

It hasn't got that bad!

I needed a dump so I went, and I proceeded to have a dump.

And she came into the bathroom whilst I was having a dump and got in the bath!

And neither of us said anything.

I thought, "Something's gone wrong here."

Something's gone wrong, things have changed.

So I thought, "I need to inject the magic back."

So what I did... I know this is going to split the room

but what I did is I bought two tickets to see Michael Buble.

I know, already the women have thought, "That's quite nice,"

and the men have thought, "Cock!"

Not only that, I bought tickets to go and see Michael Buble in Paris.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

And then the dust cloud came.

LOUD LAUGHTER

So then I had to buy train tickets to go and see Michael Buble

but everyone else was on the Eurostar

so the only tickets I could get were the premium business tickets on Eurostar.

So we're on Eurostar, in premium business.

Sat there, drinking wine, I've got Michael Buble tickets in my pocket.

I'm thinking what every man in that situation would think,

"This has got to be at least a blow job!"

FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

We arrive in Paris.

The seats are excellent seats.

We watch the warm-up band, it's an a cappella group, it's very good.

They walk off. A bloke walked onto the stage in jeans, with another bloke.

Melanie said, "That's Michael Buble!"

"Oh."

He walked on, with his interpreter.

Michael Buble said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm really sorry

"but my drummer is sick, he's got a problem with his heart..."

HE WINCES

And the interpreter went...

HE IMITATES FRENCH

Bah bah bah bah, bah mon...

So Michael Buble said, "Because of that, I know you've all come and it's important I sing for you

"but he's my friend and I can't sing without him."

And the interpreter went...

HE IMITATES FRENCH

You could tell the difference in the cultures right at that moment.

As Michael Buble said, "I can't sing without my friend on stage,"

you could see the French reaction.

They went, "What a beautiful gesture from one man to another man,

"to show his love for his friend."

Whereas the English went...

"Oh, for fuck's sake, man!"

"He's a drummer! There's loads of drummers!

"Def Leppard have got one with one arm!"

MUSIC: "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard

I'm sat there, looking at my wife, going, "I've done my bit!"

But the most important thing in any marriage is keeping the spark alive.

-We keep the spark alive with humour and romance, don't we?

-Yes.

-Two key ingredients.

-Two key ingredients. I'm an old romantic

-and I'm a bit silly at times, aren't I?

-Yes, he's a soppy romantic.

-It goes a long way though.

-Nikki says I wind her up

but even with shopping trolleys in there, you know.

I sort of take the shopping trolley and I go, "Beep beep! This vehicle is reversing!"

It's humour. Humour, as well as love, makes the world go round.

You need that in a relationship, it's fun.

And we're romantic. I call her "Baby Boo".

And I call him "My Angel".

Yeah, so we've got these little pet names.

Mind you, we're forever changing the names, aren't we?

-Yeah, but they're the main ones.

-Yes, Baby Boo and Angel.

I love you, My Angel!

There you go, ladies and gentlemen, that's love and marriage.

I've learnt a few things tonight.

One, most blokes would rather pay for a boob job than get married.

To get a girlfriend, you need to have enough credit.

And to keep the spark alive, you've got to make noises with shopping trolleys.

Beep beep, that's humour.

Good night, Baby Boo, I've been John Bishop. Thank you, good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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