Episode 2 John Bishop's Britain


Episode 2

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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Thank you.

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Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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On each show, I'll be looking at a different subject that affects everyone in Britain.

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And tonight, it's growing up.

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That's supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Although it doesn't always feel like that.

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It would've depressed me immensely when I was five years old and wet myself in the school playground

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if someone had come up to me and said, "Enjoy yourself, son, this is as good as it gets".

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LAUGHTER

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To help me understand what that subject means to Britain,

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I've interviewed hundreds of British people about it.

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Some of them you'll know, some of them you may not.

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This is a taster of what we've got to look forward to from them tonight.

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-That's the most impressive thing you can do.

-Ever.

-I just...

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-And worm around.

-Stop doing that immediately!

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Yes! HE LAUGHS

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LAUGHTER

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There'll be more words of wisdom from them later.

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As well as the odd sketch that explains what's going on in my head.

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So, growing up. I'm assuming everyone around here grew up in Manchester.

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Is that right or wrong? Yes? No?

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-Where did you grow up, mate?

-Huddersfield.

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-Huddersfield? That's not really fair, is it?

-LAUGHTER

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To be honest, if you've come from Huddersfield,

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-I can see why you're still dressed in the 70s.

-LAUGHTER

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-What's your name?

-Mark.

-Do you still live in Huddersfield?

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-No.

-How old were you when you left?

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-It's not that hard, Mark.

-LAUGHTER

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-30.

-You left when you were 30?

-Yes.

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-So you've been away, what, a fortnight?

-LAUGHTER

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-Close.

-Cos I thought you were going to say, "I left when I was 12" or something

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and then I was going say, "What was the happiest memory you've got about growing up in Huddersfield?"

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-I could've picked anyone in this audience.

-LAUGHTER

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But I had to pick someone who can't even remember his own life!

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LAUGHTER

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There must have been something good, Mark. It's Huddersfield!

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-The pubs.

-LAUGHTER

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The best thing about being a kid in Huddersfield

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-was the pubs.

-LAUGHTER

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-They used to sell sweets.

-The pubs used to sell sweets?

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So that's where alcopops was invented.

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They used to put your sherbet dips in the pint of bitter and go, "Go on, son, it's a cocktail".

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-LAUGHTER

-Who have you come with, Mark?

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-I've come with Joanne.

-And Joanne, are you from Huddersfield?

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-Erm, no.

-LAUGHTER

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You can carry on if you want, Joanne.

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I'm from Halifax, which is just down the road from Huddersfield.

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-LAUGHTER

-I tell you what, hey-hey!

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You're the Torvill and Dean of Yorkshire, aren't you?

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-So how did you two meet?

-In a pub in Huddersfield.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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We were skint when I was growing up, and I don't mean, like, pretend skint,

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-I don't mean like, "Me plasma's not big" skint.

-LAUGHTER

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-Properly skint. I used to watch Swap Shop and have nothing to swap.

-LAUGHTER

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I'd be sat there, there'd be some kid from Chester trying to swap a bicycle and a pair of roller skates,

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I'd have Connect Four with three pieces in.

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LAUGHTER

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As I say, I was born in Liverpool and I didn't grow up in Liverpool.

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What happened with us is, we were living in a house in Liverpool and they knocked it down.

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-They phoned us up first.

-LAUGHTER

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They said, "We're going to knock your house down".

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They took all these big parts of the middle of Liverpool, and they did it with a lot of northern cities,

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they knocked the middle down and they picked up all these Scousers and they moved them to spill towns,

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these council estates in places like Speke and Kirkby,

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and they put us in a place called Runcorn.

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-It was probably the first sign of ethnic cleansing.

-LAUGHTER

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And they dropped us in this place called Runcorn.

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If you've ever been to Runcorn, it's a world away from Liverpool when you first arrive there

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cos it was surrounded by fields. We didn't know what to expect.

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I remember going out with my brother when we first arrived

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and him walking up to the cows in the fields going, "Look at the size of the dogs here".

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LAUGHTER

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We just didn't know what to expect. But like everybody else, I followed the lead of my brother,

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cos brothers and sisters play an essential part in your life, particularly if you're from Norwich

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-where they could also be your parents.

-LAUGHTER

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So what did the people of Britain have to say about their siblings?

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Me and my sister used to fight all the time.

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-Me and my brother used to fight about everything.

-It was clothes or...

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CD player, CDs, even girls.

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We used to squabble about anything. Like most children,

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we squabbled about nothing.

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-He'd beat me up, give me a dead arm, lock me in the cupboard.

-I got locked in a drawer.

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-He was pretty nasty.

-He threatened to burn my willy off with a lighter.

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We were never really that bad when it came to fights

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but when we did, it'd be the toys that would get it.

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We used to steal her dolls and hang them from trees.

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I just grabbed her favourite Barbie and ripped a leg off it and threw it down a drain.

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Give them a little bomber's vest of French bangers,

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douse them in petrol, set it all off, film it...

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And we called that Vietnam Barbie, which pissed her off no end.

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And then, in the morning when she comes down, we put the video on of it being burnt.

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It's nice things like that that you do. It was very nice.

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APPLAUSE

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But sibling rivalry is important.

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I married a woman who's an only child, which you should never do if you've got brothers and sisters

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cos she just does not understand the role of a dead leg in a relationship.

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LAUGHTER

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And also for me, cos my brother's five years older than me,

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so he led everything that happened in my life.

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In fact, these teeth, these things here, which actually look all right now,

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they fit now, they're only there because of my brother.

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Because my brother used to knock my teeth out and then put the tooth underneath his pillow...

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-LAUGHTER

-..to get money.

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So when I was five, he knocked all my teeth out.

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So my big teeth came early.

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So my head's had to grow around my teeth.

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Honestly, my mum has got photographs of me

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when I was about seven and I look like an appeal poster.

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LAUGHTER

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-Please help.

-LAUGHTER

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But the day comes when you have to flee the nest and enter the real world

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and that's the day that you go to school.

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# It's a hard knock life

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I don't look back at my school days with any affection whatsoever.

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I just went to school to muck around, to be honest.

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I'm mucking about, throwing things, making planes.

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Answer all the teachers back, bunk off lessons, class clown.

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Parents evening, for me, was always terrifying.

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I would just be so...scared.

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I got the cane for "infringing canteen regulation".

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Dad just came back and he went, "Get inside".

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Every teacher has said you're just...rubbish.

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My teachers hated me. It's really weird, because I got the grades.

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I got quite good marks in my reports, but effort was always E.

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I was very lazy at school, so I did nothing.

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Did no homework, did no GCSEs. And look at me now, I own a sweet shop!

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APPLAUSE

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That's lovely. He followed his childhood dream.

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What boy of seven doesn't want to own a sweet shop?

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He achieved it. But part of the social experiment that I lived through when I moved to Runcorn

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meant that we went to a giant comprehensive.

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My school was a giant comprehensive. They said, "You're all equal now". It wasn't like a grammar school.

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"You're all the same, all equal, we're going to treat everybody exactly the same.

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"But can you do us a favour? Can you go home and wrap your books up in wallpaper...

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-LAUGHTER

-"..just so we can have a look inside your house?"

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-LAUGHTER

-There is nothing more socially divisive

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than walking into school on Monday morning with woodchip round your books!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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And all the posh kids off the private estates with Anaglypta.

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LAUGHTER

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But the education system's different now.

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I was about 12 or 13 when I was at school

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and they phoned my mum and dad up and said, "Look, we think your John's dyslexic.

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"Can you do us a favour? Can you make sure he can carry heavy stuff?"

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LAUGHTER

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And that's when living where I lived was such an advantage.

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Cos my dad had higher aspirations than that. He wouldn't settle for that.

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We got in the car, we drove half an hour,

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-we got to the Welsh border.

-LAUGHTER

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We got out at the Welsh border.

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He pointed at the first road sign and he said, "There you go, son, you're not the only one".

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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And it is true. I don't know if there's any Welsh people in here tonight, but God bless you.

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Wales is there to give dyslexic people self-esteem.

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I have an ambition that one day, I want to walk into a pub

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in Wales in the middle of the Valleys

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-and put Countdown on the television.

-LAUGHTER

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Cos Countdown must make no sense to the Welsh.

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When she puts the nine letters up, they must all look at each other and go, "Well, what's the game here?"

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-LAUGHTER

-That's my mam's middle name.

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LAUGHTER

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There's also a massive issue now that never existed when we were kids

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about this obesity epidemic.

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They keep on saying we've got obesity in kids, it's come to epidemic proportions.

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It's like we've got a fat kid epidemic. It's like it's a new thing.

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It's not a new thing. When we were growing up,

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-every class had a fat kid.

-LAUGHTER

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Every class had a fat kid. Fat kids were evenly distributed.

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You didn't go to school and there was one class with four fat kids and one class with no fat kids.

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As the fat kids came in, the teachers went, "You're a fat kid, you go in that class,

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"they need a fat kid in that class."

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And you'd go up to him and say, "What's your name?" and he'd go, "It doesn't matter what my name is.

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-"I'm the fat kid."

-LAUGHTER

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There was always fat kids. There was. There was always fat kids.

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I tell you want else there was that you don't see anymore, lazy eye.

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-There was always a kid...

-LAUGHTER

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There was always a kid with a lazy eye. If you're under 25, you will not believe the way we used to treat

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kids with lazy eyes. The doctor used to say, "One of your eyes isn't working very well

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"so what we're going to do is, we'll get the good eye and we'll put a patch on it."

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-LAUGHTER

-"So now you can't see anything!"

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There was kids with patches bouncing off everywhere,

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waiting for their eye to stop being lazy.

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There was always a kid with a lazy eye and there was always a kid with a big shoe.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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What happened? What happened to the kid with the big shoe?

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Because I've never seen an adult with a big shoe.

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And now there are no kids with big shoes.

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In schools, you'll never see a kid with a big shoe. I don't know if the fat kids have eaten them...

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LAUGHTER

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The other thing that's changed as well is now, all you ever hear about with kids is bullying.

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You hear about it a lot these days. And bullying is an issue.

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Nobody suggests that bullying is good.

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But we had bullying. We never had a white paper on it.

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It wasn't discussed in parliament. We just got on with it.

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It wasn't bullying on the internet, either, with people poking you and writing on your wall.

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We had our own social networks. We all knew through our social network

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that Jenny was a slag.

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LAUGHTER

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-Cos someone painted it on a real wall.

-LAUGHTER

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Now... Now the issue is cyber-bullying.

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Everyone's talking about cyber-bullying and how kids get upset when they're in their bedrooms

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and someone says something about them on Facebook and cyber-bullying's a bad thing.

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You're at a computer! Turn it off!

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-LAUGHTER

-I'll tell you what bullying is. Having your head down a bog

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with the chain being flushed by sixth formers shouting, "Gaylord, gaylord, gaylord".

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LAUGHTER

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When water's running through your ears and out of your nose, you can't bleeding turn it off.

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-Stop crying!

-LAUGHTER

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-And I'm talking about a real bog, as well, not a cyber-bog.

-LAUGHTER

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But there's this issue of bullying, and we've all become sensitive about it. Almost over-sensitive.

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We've got to deal with it in a different way. Parents have got to sit their kids down and say,

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"Are you really being bullied or are you just shit at fighting?"

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not saying... Listen, I'm not belittling bullying.

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I was bullied as a kid and it was a hard thing. I remember going home to my dad, I was about 11,

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and it's a brave thing to tell your parents you're being bullied.

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I said, "Dad..." He said, "What, son?"

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I said, "I'm getting bullied at school, Dad."

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He said, "What is it, son? Is it your big teeth?" I said, "No, it's not, Dad."

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LAUGHTER

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He said, "Is it those hand-me-down clothes that you've got on,

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"that mad haircut or the fact that you're a bit fatter than the rest of the kids?" I said, "No, Dad."

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He said, "Is it your lisp or the fact that you've got a little bit of a limp when you walk

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"or you're not very good at football?" I said, "No, Dad."

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He said, "Well, to be fair, they're not going for the obvious, are they?"

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LAUGHTER

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But bullying was only part of life when you're a child.

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The most intense social situation has got to be the birthday party.

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When we used to have kids' parties outside of school,

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it used to be a chance to let loose. It was mental.

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I was not your typical invitee to a children's party.

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I was quite a disruptive child.

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At the end, they'd calm you down, take you off the lemonade and play sleeping lions

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but I'd think, "Bollocks" and run around.

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I was one of those kids that'd sit in a little plastic car and go round in circles for hours screaming.

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As a child, I can't remember going to a birthday party or having any.

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But I go to lots now.

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There was one children's entertainer that we particularly liked

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who would come in a little pink van and was slightly creepy.

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The parents would put me in the garden with the entertainer who would freak me out.

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More often than not, they'd smell. They'd probably been on the booze the night before.

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He used to start his act by asking all the children to be quiet and to sit down.

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These people weren't vetted. They were just found in the village yellow book.

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And then he'd say, "I'm now going to sing you a song" and he'd go,

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-# A tompy-hompy-bomp

-It could've been anyone.

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# Humpy-dee-dee, humpy-dumpy-pumpy-pump

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-Sit down!

-They scare me...

-Stop doing that immediately!

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..so much that I think, if someone invited me to a children's party now, I'd have to turn it down.

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I don't think the children enjoyed it very much, no,

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but I know the parents did.

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APPLAUSE

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Let's be honest, that's what children's parties are about.

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About paying a stranger to come and shout at your own kids.

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The problem with kids' parties now, they're different than what they used to be.

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You used to go to the kids' party, you brought a present, you went home.

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Now you bring kids to the party,

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when they come, they give a present, when they go, YOU have got to give THEM a present!

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YOU have got to give THEM a goody bag.

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When did that begin, that we've got to give the kid who comes to your house,

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who scared the shit out of the dog,

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was sick all over the place, who never shut up crying all day,

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and you've got to give him a present? You don't do that in any other walk of life.

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You don't go into a restaurant and say, "That was a lovely meal, I've baked you a cake."

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And the problem is, as well, you don't get to vet who comes.

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Your kid invites them. And that means that you always get the nutter kid.

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The lunatic. The one who will not get off the bouncy castle.

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The one who's pushing all the other kids off and you keep on saying,

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"Oh, come on, Trevor, come off the bouncy castle." And he's going, "No..."

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-LAUGHTER

-Come on, then we'll... "No, I'm staying here."

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"Come on or I'll have to come on and get you."

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"Oh, go on, then! Come on!"

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-And then you accidentally fall.

-LAUGHTER

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And then his dad comes to pick him up and you say, "I'm sorry, he banged his head"

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and his dad goes, "That's funny, he seems to do that at most parties".

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LAUGHTER

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And in his eye, he's looking at you thinking, "You've clocked him one, haven't you?"

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LAUGHTER

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And you're looking back going, "You know I've clocked him one, but I've probably saved you a job".

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-LAUGHTER

-In all honesty, we have this phrase now "cotton wool kids"

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cos all kids in this country are pampered now. Pampered beyond belief.

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When my lads were little, I took them to the park.

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I remember taking them to the park for the first time with some of their mates and my wife said,

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"Look, you've got our kids, you've got some other kids,

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"make sure you look after all the kids, that they don't fall over and get hurt."

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And I went, "Well, what's the point of taking them to the park?"

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It's what you go to the park for, to fall over and get hurt.

0:19:430:19:47

There'll be people in this room now, like me, who've still got tarmac in your knee from the 80s.

0:19:470:19:53

-LAUGHTER

-It's how you learn life. It's how you learnt about things.

0:19:530:19:57

It's how you learnt about disappointment.

0:19:570:19:59

It's how you managed to get over the pain of a wife leaving you for a fireman in later life,

0:19:590:20:04

-because you fell off a roundabout when you were seven.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:040:20:08

-But I told my kids...

-HE LAUGHS

0:20:080:20:11

-LAUGHTER

-That's not even a joke, that's just feelings.

0:20:110:20:15

LAUGHTER

0:20:150:20:18

But I took my kids to the park when we moved to this new area,

0:20:180:20:23

I took them to the park for the first time with their new mates and we went into the park

0:20:230:20:27

and I took them to go on the swings and the roundabout.

0:20:270:20:30

I knew they might fall off but it didn't matter.

0:20:300:20:32

Do you know what was in the park when I got there?

0:20:320:20:35

-A sponge floor.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:350:20:39

It's what they put in the park now, a sponge floor!

0:20:390:20:42

And then wonder why the parks of full of teenagers of a night getting pissed.

0:20:420:20:47

-It's cos when they're pissed, they fall over and bounce back up!

-LAUGHTER

0:20:470:20:51

APPLAUSE

0:20:510:20:53

And this became even more apparent to me recently because I've been doing this big tour.

0:20:590:21:04

Before I came to do this show, I was on tour, I was away a lot.

0:21:040:21:07

So I said when I get home, I'm going to spend some time with the family and do the family stuff.

0:21:070:21:12

And we've got a relatively new dog, a English bull terrier,

0:21:120:21:16

and we got this dog from a dogs' home.

0:21:160:21:20

And if you've ever been to a dogs' home, it's a desperate thing to do.

0:21:200:21:23

You walk along, there's all the dogs in the cages. They're all barking, yapping.

0:21:230:21:28

They're all looking at you, going, "Pick me, pick me, pick me".

0:21:280:21:32

It's a bit like Amsterdam.

0:21:320:21:34

LAUGHTER

0:21:340:21:37

-Without the suspenders.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:400:21:44

But you walk along and there's all these dogs desperate to be picked.

0:21:440:21:47

As we came along, there was one dog in a cage at the end and he was just looking at us.

0:21:470:21:53

He said, "Look, you don't want me.

0:21:530:21:56

"I'm an English bull terrier.

0:21:560:21:58

"Families don't want English bull terriers.

0:21:580:22:01

"Skinheads want English bull terriers.

0:22:010:22:04

"So there's no point barking, cos you're not going to pick me.

0:22:040:22:07

"I'm going to be kept until someone comes along who wants me to fight another dog

0:22:070:22:11

"or wants me to walk around to make him look hard cos he's got a very little penis."

0:22:110:22:16

LAUGHTER

0:22:160:22:19

"So I know you're not going to pick me,

0:22:190:22:21

"so just keep walking, go on. You just keep going.

0:22:210:22:25

-"All the puppies are that way. Go on, keep going."

-LAUGHTER

0:22:250:22:29

I thought, "Sod that, a talking dog! When are you going to get one of them?"

0:22:290:22:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:340:22:37

So we got this dog. I thought, "This is great, we've got this dog". The dog's been brilliant.

0:22:370:22:41

It's been at home all the time while I've been on tour. So when I stopped touring I said to my missus,

0:22:410:22:46

"I'm going to do dog duty". When I was growing up, on the estate I grew up on,

0:22:460:22:50

-taking the dog for a walk was opening the door, going, "Go on".

-LAUGHTER

0:22:500:22:55

That was how you took the dog for a walk. The dog barked when it had finished.

0:22:550:22:59

That was the dog walking. Now we're middle class, I had it on a lead and everything.

0:22:590:23:03

I said, "I'm going to take you out on the lead."

0:23:030:23:07

I was walking out of the house, my wife said, "Where's your bags?"

0:23:070:23:10

-LAUGHTER

-I said, "What for?" She said, "For the dog."

0:23:100:23:14

-I said, "I'm taking him for a walk, I'm not carrying him.

-LAUGHTER

0:23:140:23:18

She said, "No, you need to take the dog and you need to take the plastic bags

0:23:180:23:23

"because if the dog dirties, you need to pick it up."

0:23:230:23:26

-LAUGHTER

-I went, "What?"

0:23:260:23:30

She said, "You need to pick it up." Now, I understand that. But it was the reason behind it.

0:23:300:23:35

In the park that we've got, there's big signs saying that you must pick up the dog dirt,

0:23:350:23:39

there's an instant £80 fine,

0:23:390:23:42

because if you don't pick up it,

0:23:420:23:44

there's a chance a kid could fall in it, get dog dirt on their finger

0:23:440:23:49

and then rub that dog dirt in their eye,

0:23:490:23:52

and from a condition called toxoplasmosis,

0:23:520:23:54

potentially go blind.

0:23:540:23:57

-Now, I think that's health and safety gone a little bit mad.

-LAUGHTER

0:23:570:24:01

When did kids start rubbing dog shit in their eyes?

0:24:010:24:05

LAUGHTER

0:24:050:24:07

How many people ever went to school and said, "What's happened to Billy?" "Oh, it's dog-shit eye."

0:24:070:24:14

LAUGHTER

0:24:140:24:16

It never happened! It never happened!

0:24:160:24:19

As far as I'm concerned, you fall over, you've got dog shit on your finger,

0:24:190:24:23

you bring that finger past your own nose

0:24:230:24:27

and still rub it in your eye, there was a good chance you were going to go blind anyway!

0:24:270:24:32

-LAUGHTER

-As far as I'm concerned, that's natural selection.

0:24:320:24:35

LAUGHTER

0:24:350:24:38

But there comes a time when parties with bouncy castles

0:24:380:24:42

aren't the most important thing in life.

0:24:420:24:44

The most important thing is being a teenager and looking cool.

0:24:440:24:48

I wouldn't describe myself as a fashion leader.

0:24:510:24:56

But I always tried to just keep up a little bit.

0:24:560:24:59

The football kit was the main thing. The latest football kit.

0:24:590:25:02

White leather shoes were really in.

0:25:020:25:05

Nike was the rage then, so new Nike would impress everyone.

0:25:050:25:08

-I had clogs in every colour.

-I had a black bin bag on

0:25:080:25:11

which I'd cut a hole in for my head and my arms.

0:25:110:25:14

I also had a very awful pink and purple all-in-one jumpsuit.

0:25:140:25:19

I had a pair of Levi Strauss

0:25:190:25:22

topped off by a psychedelic, light green jersey.

0:25:220:25:26

I remember looking in the mirror and thinking,

0:25:260:25:29

"Nobody has ever looked this good."

0:25:290:25:30

Everybody had this mullet hairstyle and mine was wicked. Really cool.

0:25:300:25:35

I had a tub of gel. Superdrug, green.

0:25:350:25:39

Everybody said I had the best mullet. Everybody.

0:25:390:25:42

Straight back.

0:25:430:25:45

Right down to my bum, it was. Great.

0:25:450:25:47

Basically, I just looked like a big, ginger Mick Hucknall/John Lennon

0:25:470:25:51

roaming around the school.

0:25:510:25:53

-I thought I looked great.

-SHE LAUGHS

0:25:530:25:56

APPLAUSE

0:25:560:26:00

I think fashion's changed dramatically now.

0:26:040:26:07

Cos there used to be a time when your mum used to make your clothes.

0:26:070:26:10

You don't need that now, we've got Primark.

0:26:100:26:13

-LAUGHTER

-Mums have been outsourced to young kids in India.

0:26:130:26:17

LAUGHTER

0:26:170:26:20

What we used to have instead was hand-me-downs.

0:26:200:26:23

I've got one brother and two sisters. They're all older than me.

0:26:230:26:27

LAUGHTER

0:26:270:26:29

It wasn't that cool being 13 dressed as Siouxsie and the Banshees.

0:26:290:26:33

And my brother is five years older than me, our Eddie,

0:26:330:26:37

and I remember... The biggest fashion memory I've got

0:26:370:26:40

was being nine years of age

0:26:400:26:42

and I remember our Eddie getting a pair of white 22-inch flares

0:26:420:26:48

with a six-button belt.

0:26:480:26:51

It was like that and the flares went like that.

0:26:510:26:53

And I remember him standing at the top of the stairs, he was 14, I was nine,

0:26:530:26:58

and I remember thinking, "I can't wait until they're mine."

0:26:580:27:03

LAUGHTER

0:27:030:27:05

Obviously, fashion changes. By the time they fitted,

0:27:050:27:08

-my mum had used them for curtains.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:080:27:11

But it wasn't just clothes that were hand-me-downs.

0:27:110:27:14

Beds were hand-me-downs, as well. Double beds had a different life than what they do now.

0:27:140:27:19

We didn't have big shops selling beds.

0:27:190:27:21

A bed was a big investment. A bed was a family bed.

0:27:210:27:25

The double bed would come in, your mum and dad would use it.

0:27:250:27:28

After your mum and dad, it would go into another bedroom and two or three kids would sleep in it,

0:27:280:27:32

-and then it would go in the garden and be a trampoline.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:320:27:37

And for us, me and our Eddie got a double bed.

0:27:370:27:41

I was about eight years of age.

0:27:410:27:44

I was like a lot of eight-year-old boys, I was an occasional bed-wetter.

0:27:440:27:48

-LAUGHTER

-A little tip for any parents whose son is an occasional bed-wetter.

0:27:480:27:55

-Put him in bed with a brother five years older than him.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:550:28:00

Once you've had your head kicked in a few times,

0:28:000:28:03

-you soon remember to have a wee.

-LAUGHTER

0:28:030:28:08

You've got no defence when you're stood there in soaking pyjamas going, "It wasn't me".

0:28:080:28:12

LAUGHTER

0:28:120:28:15

But kids live in a different world now.

0:28:150:28:18

Now kids have got technology around, they've got iPhones, iPads, Xboxes, PlayStations.

0:28:180:28:23

The closest we ever got to an iPad was an Etch A Sketch.

0:28:230:28:27

-LAUGHTER

-And they can even get an App for your iPad that's an Etch A Sketch.

0:28:270:28:33

Why don't you just get an Etch A Sketch?

0:28:330:28:36

I had to sit down with one of my lads,

0:28:360:28:40

and he was nine when I did this, and I sat down with him

0:28:400:28:43

and he was talking about all the funky stuff that you can get now, he'd just got a PlayStation, I said,

0:28:430:28:48

"This was the most exciting thing that ever happened to me when I was a kid"

0:28:480:28:52

and I got a calculator and I wrote "BOOBS" on it.

0:28:520:28:56

LAUGHTER

0:28:560:28:58

-I said, "Look at that, son. Cowabunga!"

-LAUGHTER

0:28:580:29:03

-"Isn't your dad cool?"

-LAUGHTER

0:29:030:29:06

And then he took me and showed me the internet.

0:29:060:29:10

LAUGHTER

0:29:100:29:11

But as kids, we wouldn't have thought of doing that. The internet didn't exist.

0:29:110:29:16

As kids, what we had was simple games.

0:29:160:29:18

Girls went out into the street and skipped.

0:29:180:29:21

Boys went out into the street and chased each other with dog shit on a stick.

0:29:210:29:24

LAUGHTER

0:29:240:29:28

APPLAUSE

0:29:280:29:31

And the other thing we have that you always see in these retro programmes

0:29:350:29:40

and they've even tried to bring back, the other thing we had was space hoppers.

0:29:400:29:44

Space hoppers. And not just the occasional... We thought they were a mode of transport.

0:29:440:29:49

-LAUGHTER

-Space hoppers were fun! And it also meant

0:29:490:29:52

that you knew if you were too fat as a kid.

0:29:520:29:55

When everyone else on the street had a space hopper race and you sat on your space hopper

0:29:550:30:00

and everyone started and you ended up with a burst bag

0:30:000:30:03

and a couple of orange ears in your hand, you thought, "I need to shed a few pounds."

0:30:030:30:07

-LAUGHTER

-My kids are different. My kids are middle class kids.

0:30:070:30:13

My kids are posh, to be honest. I've got posh kids.

0:30:130:30:15

I can't even understand what they say.

0:30:150:30:18

We were having tea the other day, one of my lads came down and went, "Yah, Dad, yah.

0:30:180:30:22

"Chill. Ha-ha-ha. Excuse me, Pa, can you pass us the couscous?"

0:30:220:30:26

LAUGHTER

0:30:260:30:29

-And you think, "You're the kids I used to punch on the nose."

-LAUGHTER

0:30:290:30:33

And sometimes you forget.

0:30:330:30:36

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:360:30:39

But teenage years are dominated by thoughts of your next step

0:30:420:30:45

and that's the step into the world of sex,

0:30:450:30:48

starting with that all-important kiss.

0:30:480:30:50

And you know something is due to happen

0:30:500:30:52

when you start watching netball at school and thinking, "I want to get a grip of that wing attack."

0:30:520:30:57

LAUGHTER

0:30:570:30:59

My first kiss was at junior school under the climbing frame.

0:30:590:31:05

The first girl I kissed was in primary school.

0:31:050:31:08

It was in break time, round the back of the sports bins or something.

0:31:080:31:12

Beautiful blonde girl. She used to chase me round the playground, kiss-chase.

0:31:120:31:16

-SHE LAUGHS

-Kiss-chase.

0:31:160:31:20

And I'd never kissed anyone before, apart from my cousin's dog.

0:31:200:31:24

-It was about how long you could kiss for.

-We were kissing for two seconds.

0:31:240:31:27

I pulled away and ran to my friends and said, "Oh, my God, it's like...

0:31:270:31:31

-..a washing machine, just going round and round.

-Disgusting!

-Awful.

0:31:310:31:35

Absolutely the most awful thing in the world.

0:31:350:31:37

It was just like... Do you know what I mean, like, sick in my mouth.

0:31:370:31:41

The guy is now gay, I've since heard.

0:31:410:31:43

That's so rude.

0:31:430:31:46

It wasn't actually with a girl.

0:31:460:31:49

I think I might have practised a bit with my sister.

0:31:490:31:52

It was...a boy...

0:31:520:31:56

I was like, "This is going to happen, this is it."

0:31:560:31:58

I guess I was fantasising...

0:31:580:32:00

..that he was his sister.

0:32:020:32:06

I really thought you opened your mouth and stuck it in.

0:32:060:32:08

-Anything but romantic. It was like CPR.

-It was horrible, anyway. She had a tight little mouth.

0:32:080:32:13

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:32:130:32:16

Yeah, things are different. When you get older, you don't complain about stuff like that.

0:32:230:32:28

LAUGHTER

0:32:280:32:30

After listening to Bill, every boy with a good-looking sister is now looking at their mates

0:32:300:32:35

thinking, "Don't you dare." I've got to be honest, the reverse thing happened to me.

0:32:350:32:41

Genuinely, I copped off with my mate's sister. It was only one snog and then I thought,

0:32:410:32:45

-"You don't half look like Tommy."

-LAUGHTER

0:32:450:32:49

-Sorry, Tommy, I've never told you that before.

-LAUGHTER

0:32:490:32:53

Lots of us sat at the back of the class practising. That was the big thing.

0:32:530:32:58

We were in a different zone. You had to practise. Cos we didn't know what the first kiss was going to be like.

0:32:580:33:04

And you can pretend you didn't, but there's people here who did that.

0:33:040:33:08

-LAUGHTER

-You practised on the back of your hand.

0:33:080:33:12

That was the only way of practising.

0:33:120:33:15

LAUGHTER

0:33:150:33:18

Thinking that was going to be any good.

0:33:180:33:21

LAUGHTER

0:33:210:33:23

I even practised with the mirror.

0:33:230:33:26

You know why I practised with the mirror?

0:33:260:33:29

Because I was a kid. I could never understand, when you watched it on the television,

0:33:290:33:33

they all knew which way to tilt their heads.

0:33:330:33:36

-LAUGHTER

-They all seemed to know, didn't they?

0:33:360:33:39

And I thought, "I'm going to practise on the mirror." So I did.

0:33:390:33:43

-I practised on the mirror.

-LAUGHTER

0:33:430:33:45

The only problem with practising on the mirror is,

0:33:450:33:48

-when you tilt your head, so does your reflection.

-LAUGHTER

0:33:480:33:52

And my first kiss was with a girl called Jane.

0:33:520:33:56

And I'll never forget it. It was a lovely moment. I was about 12 or 13.

0:33:570:34:01

She said, "I've got you a present." It was my birthday coming up.

0:34:010:34:05

We were in a park. She said, "I've got something for you." I thought, "Great, Airfix."

0:34:050:34:11

LAUGHTER

0:34:110:34:14

It wasn't like that at all.

0:34:140:34:16

She leaned over, she leaned in.

0:34:180:34:21

The problem was, I'd been practising on a mirror.

0:34:240:34:27

So she went like that, I went like that.

0:34:270:34:30

-And as I said, my head hasn't always fitted my teeth.

-LAUGHTER

0:34:300:34:34

-It's only when a girl's crying with blood coming down her nose...

-LAUGHTER

0:34:360:34:41

-..that you think, "Maybe I got that one wrong."

-LAUGHTER

0:34:410:34:45

She was good to me, though, Jane. She said, "Can we have a French kiss next time?" so I said, "OK".

0:34:450:34:51

-I ate garlic for a week and just acted all arrogant.

-LAUGHTER

0:34:510:34:55

You never forget your first kiss.

0:34:570:34:59

I just look her up, not because I still fancy her or anything,

0:34:590:35:03

just I wonder where is she, what's she doing, what's she up to

0:35:030:35:07

and...where she is.

0:35:070:35:10

LAUGHTER

0:35:100:35:12

Let's be honest, if that girl's now watching the show,

0:35:120:35:15

-we all know she's going to feel a little bit scared.

-LAUGHTER

0:35:150:35:18

-And we all know that Abdul's missus will be checking his Facebook page.

-LAUGHTER

0:35:180:35:24

Cos the magic of the kiss is lost on adults. It is.

0:35:240:35:27

We've lost the magic of the kiss. If I kiss my wife now, my kids think we've had a row.

0:35:270:35:32

That's not what we do. Kissing used to be an innocent thing. We used to have kiss-chase

0:35:320:35:37

where you chase a girl and you kiss her. You can play kiss-chase as a kid.

0:35:370:35:41

You can't as an adult. It results in a restraining order.

0:35:410:35:44

LAUGHTER

0:35:440:35:46

But kissing inevitably leads to something else.

0:35:460:35:50

It's just that, as a teenager, you're not always sure what that is.

0:35:500:35:55

The first knowledge of the birds and the bees came from the playground,

0:35:580:36:02

which is always terrifying, cos you just hear the most ridiculous things.

0:36:020:36:06

This little thing comes out, worms around

0:36:060:36:08

and it'll be in her and she has babies.

0:36:080:36:10

Definitely through school and friends and telly.

0:36:100:36:14

Certainly not from my mum and dad.

0:36:140:36:17

They left it to us to visualise it from growing up on a farm.

0:36:170:36:22

I remember my mum trying to tell me about the birds and the bees once

0:36:220:36:25

but I just kind of blocked it out.

0:36:250:36:28

I had a very sexually-aware rabbit

0:36:280:36:30

who not only did it with rabbits, but did it with the guinea pigs and with our legs.

0:36:300:36:35

Losing my virginity lasted about two seconds.

0:36:350:36:38

I was in no rush, you know. And I thought,

0:36:380:36:41

"I'll wait for the right girl to come along" and I was waiting...

0:36:410:36:44

-We just got together...

-..and waiting...

-There was a big build-up to this one night.

0:36:440:36:49

We did what we thought we were supposed to do, and that was it!

0:36:490:36:53

-Never really quite happened.

-The sex was awful.

0:36:530:36:56

No male ever learned to treat a woman fully.

0:36:560:36:59

You're either really bad or sex is not what it's made up to be, so I finished with him.

0:36:590:37:03

APPLAUSE

0:37:030:37:06

There was something there about a rabbit.

0:37:060:37:09

Now, rabbits have got a different context in the modern day, but I think the lady,

0:37:090:37:13

if you notice, when she was talking about the rabbit,

0:37:130:37:16

-not only was she tickling her dog...

-LAUGHTER

0:37:160:37:22

-That's OK, she lived on a farm.

-LAUGHTER

0:37:220:37:25

But she seemed quite scared that the rabbit might actually be coming for her.

0:37:250:37:29

-LAUGHTER

-Just look at this.

0:37:290:37:32

I had a very sexually aware rabbit... LAUGHTER

0:37:320:37:34

..who not only did it with the rabbits, but did it with the guinea pigs and with our legs.

0:37:340:37:39

LAUGHTER

0:37:390:37:42

APPLAUSE

0:37:420:37:45

-Like there's a man in a rabbit suit.

-LAUGHTER

0:37:480:37:52

But sex is... It's just different now. Kids are just more aware.

0:37:520:37:57

They are just more sexually aware. I remember watching Charlie's Angels

0:37:570:38:01

and liking it, but not knowing why.

0:38:010:38:05

The big thing was The Sweeney. We used to sit in and watch The Sweeney

0:38:050:38:09

and it was always brilliant on The Sweeney

0:38:090:38:11

cos you knew the burglar's wife would always get her tits out.

0:38:110:38:15

-LAUGHTER

-And sex education was different, as well.

0:38:150:38:19

We didn't have the internet. We had the Freeman's catalogue. That was our sex education.

0:38:190:38:24

Which probably explains why so many men of my age are now into mail-order brides.

0:38:240:38:28

LAUGHTER

0:38:280:38:31

That's what happened. We used to sit behind the couch. We loved looking at women in their undies

0:38:310:38:36

talking to other women. It was a wonderful thing.

0:38:360:38:39

And I spent all my youth hoping one day to meet a woman in a girdle.

0:38:390:38:43

LAUGHTER

0:38:430:38:46

But also, we were ignorant about it. I went to a Catholic school

0:38:460:38:50

and we were taught that Mary one day rode on a donkey

0:38:500:38:53

-and then ended up getting pregnant.

-LAUGHTER

0:38:530:38:56

When the school went on a day trip to Blackpool, none of the girls would go on the beach.

0:38:560:39:00

-LAUGHTER

-But as a teenager,

0:39:000:39:03

the most embarrassing thing was sex education in school.

0:39:030:39:08

In our school, what they did is they split up the boys and the girls.

0:39:080:39:12

I don't know what they told the girls. They gave us sex education

0:39:120:39:16

by putting us in a room with the maths teacher.

0:39:160:39:19

The man who probably had less sex than anyone else in the staff room.

0:39:190:39:24

They put us in a room and he proceeded to put a condom on a banana.

0:39:240:39:29

-LAUGHTER

-How useless is that?

0:39:290:39:31

To put a condom on a banana? Not only is it useless,

0:39:310:39:34

it's very confusing for a 14-year-old boy

0:39:340:39:37

when you're also being told that you've got to have five a day.

0:39:370:39:41

LAUGHTER

0:39:410:39:44

Cos as a teenage boy, your life is dominated by the rites of passage.

0:39:440:39:50

As a teenage boy, you always remember your first kiss,

0:39:500:39:53

you always remember your first proper fight,

0:39:530:39:56

you always remember your first sexual experience,

0:39:560:39:59

or as we put it, you always remember your first day trip to Rhyl.

0:39:590:40:03

LAUGHTER

0:40:030:40:06

But everyone remembers their first time.

0:40:060:40:10

Can anyone remember their first time, though, being as good as this?

0:40:100:40:15

The door opens and it's Eileen.

0:40:210:40:25

And she came up to me and put her arms around me

0:40:250:40:28

and I put my arms around her.

0:40:280:40:31

It was like putting my arms round a velvet glove.

0:40:310:40:35

Then something happened to me below and I thought, "Well, I've got to use it, whatever it is".

0:40:350:40:41

So I used it. And we're rolling around on the floor making this wonderful love.

0:40:410:40:48

It must have been for three quarters of an hour.

0:40:480:40:51

It was so, so wonderful.

0:40:510:40:54

She said, "George, you are a compassionate lover."

0:40:540:40:59

And she loved it. And so did it, I tell you.

0:41:000:41:04

All over my body was tingling.

0:41:040:41:07

It was marvellous. You want to try it some time.

0:41:070:41:10

LAUGHTER

0:41:100:41:12

APPLAUSE

0:41:120:41:15

What I love about that clip is it shows that sex isn't just for the youth.

0:41:180:41:22

All those people who think that we're doing mad, crazy things,

0:41:220:41:25

your granny has already done them. Your granny did them first.

0:41:250:41:29

In fact, your granny probably did them with a GI for a packet of powdered egg.

0:41:290:41:33

-LAUGHTER

-So that was growing up. Tonight, Britain has taught me

0:41:330:41:38

that some people never quite get over their first kiss,

0:41:380:41:41

-particularly if it was with their mate.

-LAUGHTER

0:41:410:41:44

There's a chance you can fulfil your childhood dreams and own a sweet shop.

0:41:440:41:48

-And that at 73, old men make very compassionate lovers.

-LAUGHTER

0:41:480:41:54

See you next week with some more lessons from the people of Britain.

0:41:540:41:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:590:42:03

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:42:050:42:09

E-mail [email protected]

0:42:090:42:13

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