Episode 3 John Bishop's Britain


Episode 3

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Transcript


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Thank you!

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Thank you!

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Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

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On tonight's show I'm looking at one of my favourite topics, sport.

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And by sport, I mean football.

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Our strange relationship with sport is just like a drunk man's relationship with sex.

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He tells you he's going to be great at it. In his own head he thinks he's going to be great at it.

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And then ultimately it's a big disappointment.

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Someone ends up crying and he finishes too early.

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You've got to look at Britain's record in sport

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by looking at what our biggest participation sport is.

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Does anyone know what the biggest participation sport is in this country?

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-Fishing.

-Fishing.

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What does that say about our country

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when the biggest participation sport involves a packed lunch,

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a flask and some worms?

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To find out where sport fits in the minds of the British public,

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I've spoken to hundreds of people about it.

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They've given us their thoughts. Here's a sneak preview of what's coming up.

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I don't want it to be serious.

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MAKES SUCKING SOUND

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-Catch my arse, you can have my arse.

-In my bikini.

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-Like that.

-What a boring game!

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-I'd rather not take part.

-Savage.

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-I do that on a Friday night in my own house.

-All lost and lonely and cold.

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Break his legs. Break his legs!

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We'll be hearing what they think during the show, plus a few sketches.

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As a nation, though, it's fair to say we are passionate about sport.

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Not all the sports that we're passionate about I understand.

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Cricket. I've never understood cricket.

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Cricket to me does embody what Britain's about.

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Cricket is basically men running round achieving nothing

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while women make sandwiches.

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It's true.

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What are you saying no for?

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As far as I'm concerned, any game where a man puts his willy in a box

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isn't right.

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Tennis. No-one plays tennis

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apart from two weeks of the year when Wimbledon comes and then we go, "It's tennis time! Let's go mad."

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To show you how bad we are at tennis,

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tennis is a summer sport and the best player we've got is Scottish!

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They've never had a summer!

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So I've asked the people of Britain about their sporting passions.

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I've grown up loving every sport. My favourite is football.

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Least favourite is something like synchronised swimming.

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Please explain to me, what is the point of synchronised swimming?

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If you're going to do something, why not something interesting like marbles?

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Cricket. I hate cricket with a passion!

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I like Test match cricket. Real cricket.

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It's just so terrible, the whole lbw thing and hitting it.

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-What a boring game!

-Nothing happens for ten minutes but it's the fact it might that makes it interesting.

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When you watch cricket, how do you know who's on what side? They're both dressed the same!

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I love skiing. I'm super fast.

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I say to people, "If you catch my arse, you can have my arse."

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No-one can.

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All that polo and water sports like swimming I hate.

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Women swimming.

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That I do love. You see their beautiful legs.

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-Their lovely tanned bodies.

-Why watch swimming when you can watch athletics?

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And when they run in, you see them lovely legs moving around. It's so lovely.

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I'm not interested in sport, really, of any kind.

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I'll watch anything sport-wise.

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I hate sport on the telly in pubs, even more.

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Everyone just stands there like that, going...

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I hate hockey as well. I keep forgetting about hockey.

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It was the only sport I couldn't look attractive in.

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It is so unnecessarily dangerous.

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I just wouldn't even fight.

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I knew the boys were watching. I was like, "Have it! Absolutely have it."

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Hockey to me is a girls' game. But that's what's happened with sport.

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It's all mixed. Girls do what boys used to do. Boys do what girls do.

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At the Olympics, they're talking about female boxing. Female boxing!

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That surely doesn't work right.

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Half the arguments must begin just at the weigh-in!

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"I don't weigh that. Get the other scales!"

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One thing you'll never get women in, though, is Formula One.

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You never see a lady doing Formula One.

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It's not the driving round the track that's the problem. It's the parking in the pits!

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I know that's annoyed some women here. To be honest, it's statistically incorrect.

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Women are good drivers, but that's not funny!

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But like most blokes, my favourite sport is football.

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Watching football with my family is memorable.

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The mix of young and old.

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Football for me just reminds me of my Uncle Lenny,

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my dad, my brothers.

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My granddad's quite old and shouts out random comments.

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Like he's got Tourette's or something. He'll go,

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"Break his legs! Break his legs!" "Chill out, Granddad!"

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I used to be interested in football.

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But looking back, I probably just pretended to be interested.

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It was the '90s and everyone was into it.

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Every match is so like the other match,

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I can't see what the excitement is.

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I would watch to see what other people would say, and they'd go, "Offside!" So I'd go, "Offside!"

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You can be really upset that you've lost a game.

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But, deep-down, your life is still all right.

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It's not actual hurt.

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When my dad and I go to the football,

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he's fine at weekends. But midweek he comes straight from the office.

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So he'll come fully suited. Pin-stripe suit, gloves, mac, briefcase.

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Comes in, first question he asks, "Where's the ref from?"

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It's come to the point where the guy behind pipes in, "Norway." "Thanks."

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And then, once every match, he'll stand up and try and start this chant. "The ref is a self-abuser!"

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And no-one sings with him. He sits down sheepishly and asks where the ref is from again.

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They've already told him. So embarrassing.

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Now, we've just come out of the World Cup

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and we've all suffered that pain.

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To be honest, to me, the World Cup is like losing your virginity.

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You wait for ages for it to happen

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and then when it does happen, it's a massive disappointment!

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You think, "I won't do that again for years!"

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In fact, because tonight was all going to be about sport -

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what do you think of the suit, by the way?

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WOLF WHISTLES

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Look at that suit. Do you like it?

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I'm a Scouser, so in Liverpool, this is reversible!

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I put this on because it's a three-piece number.

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I put it on because I wanted to be like Becks.

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Every time you see Beckham, he's wearing a three-piece suit.

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I thought I wanted to share a bit of his brilliance.

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I'm not as good-looking as David Beckham.

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I haven't got the brilliant football ability he's got.

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But I have got three sons and a bit of a mad wife!

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And they say that English footballers are too molly-coddled.

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They didn't want them to come home after the World Cup and face abuse.

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They suggested letting them fly into Glasgow so they could get a heroes' welcome!

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Because football's changed now.

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Take Maradona. If you're a kid now,

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you'll watch Maradona in the World Cup and think he looks like an extra out of The Sopranos.

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Or you'll just know him as that person who's been funding the Columbian cocaine farmers

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all of these years.

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But for some of us, he was a brilliant footballer.

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A cheating little bastard, but a brilliant footballer.

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Like Pele. My kids see Pele now as the man who advertises Viagra.

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That's the only way they recognise Pele.

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Pele was one of the best players, arguably the best footballer

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that's ever lived on the planet.

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But as far as my kids are concerned, he's just a bloke with a floppy willy.

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And even Gazza, our own Gazza, Paul Gascoigne,

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possibly the best English footballer we've ever had.

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Not so good as a hostage negotiator.

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Honestly.

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You're watching the news. Can you imagine that situation?

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You're surrounded by armed police and suddenly you hear, "It's OK, it's me - Gazza.

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"I've got some chicken, four cans and a fishing rod."

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The England team are getting a lot of stick.

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I've actually done a gig for the England squad. This is true.

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Four years ago. I'd just started doing comedy full time.

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I got a phone call. People will remember as we're in Manchester,

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England played a couple of games in Manchester.

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They played against Macedonia,

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which, to be honest, didn't exist when I was a kid.

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It wasn't a country when I was a kid.

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Like playing against Narnia!

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But they played... They played Macedonia and Andorra.

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Again, Andorra's not even a country.

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There's more people live on our estate than in Andorra!

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But they were playing both of them at Old Trafford. And I got this phone call to say,

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"Would you like to do a private gig?" I didn't know it was for England.

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I said, "I'd love to do it. Is it for a company?"

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He said, "We can't tell you who it's for."

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I said, "I need to know. If it's a company, I like to know who it is."

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He said, "We can't tell you who it is, but it's a private gig in Manchester.

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"You and a couple of other comedians."

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I turned up to do this gig.

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Turned up, saw the other lads. I said, "Do you know who it's for?" "No."

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We turned up in this bar. We get led downstairs.

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On the way down, I heard the woman who was organising it say the word "Rio".

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I thought, "Oh, it's a Duran Duran night.

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"I'll have to think of New Romantic jokes."

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We walked into this room, a little bar in Manchester. There was 25 people there.

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And it was just the England squad. Just the squad

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that was here four years ago to play the preliminary games in the World Cup. Just the England squad.

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The week before, Jamie Carragher had pulled out of the England squad

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with a hamstring injury.

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I walked in. I saw the England squad.

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I was a bit nervous so I went to the bar to get a drink.

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The man behind the bar said, "I thought you were injured."

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You go in to do this gig, and we did the gig for the England squad

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and it goes OK.

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We were told before we went in, "The lads are having a night off.

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"They don't want to be hassled with photos or autographs. So just do your stuff and piss off."

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But I did the gig. I'm on a stool, doing a gig to the England squad.

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I'm looking at them and I say, "Look, lads.

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"I know what we've been told, but you are the England squad.

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"You are the England squad." You have to tell them. Some of them are thick! You're the England squad.

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"I've got three boys at home. I can't be here without getting you to sign something.

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"Can you do us a favour, sign this pad?"

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I got a pad and I wrote on it, "To the Bishop boys.

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"Your dad was a better player than me."

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I passed it round, and fair play, every single one of them signed it.

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I know some of them couldn't read it, but every single one signed it.

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When I did it, four years ago, it was a joke.

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Whereas if I did it now, I'd frigging mean it, to be honest!

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But football as a sport divides us more than anything,

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particularly here in Manchester. I'm a Scouser.

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We have that division. That M62 divide.

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We've got Manchester at one end, Liverpool at one end.

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And that division comes out in everything that we do.

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We have to deal with it. It's created antagonism. So much so,

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that all the places between Liverpool and Manchester -

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Widnes, St Helens, Warrington,

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they've just thought, "Sod football. Let's just pick it up. It's too much trouble!"

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It does take a minute to work out that that's a joke about rugby league.

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Football has changed. It's changed mainly because women have started going.

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The last match that I went to, to watch Liverpool play,

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and there was a couple at the front.

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Some of them don't know about football. You can tell.

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You could tell with them, they'd brought a picnic hamper

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and at half time they were on the pitch having a sandwich!

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To be honest, last season, that was the best thing I saw there.

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And to tell you the biggest change in football for me

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was when I first took Melanie back to our house for Sunday dinner.

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We were getting serious. It was Sunday dinner.

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"Come and have Sunday dinner in our house."

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But in our house, over the years, we'd developed a process for Sunday dinner.

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We started with Gerald Sinstadt and The Big Match.

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We all knew what happened on Sunday dinner.

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Me, my dad, my brother, we'd go to the kitchen, get a plate of food,

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then take it into the living room.

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We'd sit down, eat the plate of food and watch the football,

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while my mother and sisters sat in the kitchen.

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That's the way it worked and how it's worked in traditional families for years.

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I brought my wife home, or wife-to-be as she was then.

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We piled up our plates of food in the kitchen.

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And I went walking in the living room, like that.

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And she followed me. I went, "What do you want?"

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You could see my sisters looking at her, going, "She's going to challenge him."

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She was like a suffragette.

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She walked in the living room. I thought she was going to chain herself to the telly.

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My sisters was going, "There's a different way!"

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My dad's looking at me, going, "Why have you brought a lesbian home?"

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But the thing is with football, it's a passion that we never lose.

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You can tell we'll never lose it because you see men, grown men,

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big fat middle-aged bald men

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wearing replica football kits.

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You know the first time they put that shirt on,

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they looked in the mirror and went,

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"There's still a chance."

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That's what men are like, in two worlds.

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We live in this world, the one that you see,

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and the other one that's in our head.

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The one where everything is still possible.

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That's what happens. I was going to Anfield last year.

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I go to Anfield. There's 40,000 people at the match.

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20,000 of them will be big, fat, bald, middle-aged men

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wearing replica football kits waiting for that one day

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that Rafael Benitez would look around and go, "We've only got ten men.

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"Tell you what. Fat Eddie looks like he could do the job."

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But whether you love sport or whether you hate it,

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it all begins at school.

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Being good at sport was so important.

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Because if you weren't good at sport, you were just not cool.

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PE and Games were some of my favourite classes.

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That makes me sound really thick!

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Also, being good at sport meant you could strut around in short shorts and get away with it.

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One thing I hated most was doing cross-country.

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It was running for ages for no reason.

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Once a week, you're sent to run round town on cross-country.

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Why send children, in football boots, running around town?

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We'd start running and I'd bend off to the right and run home.

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Lost and lonely and cold.

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Mum was there. I ran to her arms and said, "I can't do it, Mum!

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"Don't make me go back!"

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Our PE teacher organised fights against other schools.

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That's what our rugby was.

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-I got made to do the 100 metres.

-Savage. Savage.

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There was a girl who was the biggest, fattest, geekiest chick at school.

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I had to run against her. I'm like, "Easy! Absolutely fine."

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-No. All I see for that 100 metres...

-..is her arse.

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Yeah.

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I loved doing the high jump. Great fun.

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I broke the school record - girls and boys - for the high jump.

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How proud am I?

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Just hair and legs coming towards you and landing on this thing.

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Me and the girls used to sit in the girls' changing rooms

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and whenever the teacher came to see me, I said, "Sorry, I can't. I'm on my period."

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"Got pains. Time of the month."

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"Oh, I've got cramps!"

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"No, you said that last week and the week before. Do some exercise."

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I was on my period more than all of the girls in the school.

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I love the fact that two of those people broke the record for high jump.

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You know that some kids still go to the school where Peter Crouch went

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and think, "What's the point?"

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But for me, sports day has changed. My lads, as they've grown,

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the youngest lad was still at school still doing sports day

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when it all changed and became a "non-competitive sports day".

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Who has ever attended a non-competitive sports day?

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What a pointless exercise that is!

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I used to love sports day. It had a point, sports day.

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There was a reason it was competitive.

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It cheered everybody up.

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We were happy to see a fat kid stuck in a hoola hoop.

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Normally what happened on sports day was the parents' race.

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The dads' race. I happened to turn up in a track suit.

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Couldn't find any shoes that day so I had running spikes on.

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But it was banned. The parents couldn't have a race.

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They even banned the three-legged race in case three-legged people felt offended.

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Do you know what they did instead? They stopped having sports day

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and they just had activities.

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They had the bouncy castle. Sports day, they had the bouncy castle

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with a ramp on it, so the kids in a wheelchair, they'd wheel them up

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and drop them in!

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And this is the school that thinks it's cruel to lose!

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But it's all changed. Sports day is different cos kids are different.

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You couldn't have an egg and spoon race now, could you?

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You'd have to have a KFC bucket race.

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Whoever was sick first wins.

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Come on, be honest. There are a lot of fat kids knocking about.

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Which should mean we should have a lot of good goalies.

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They were the only ones who ever went in goal.

0:20:330:20:36

The fat kid went in goal. That's probably why we haven't got a good goalie.

0:20:360:20:41

We want somebody who wants to be in goal, not someone who can't run.

0:20:410:20:44

But football is a passion. It's definitely a passion of mine.

0:20:440:20:48

Kids' football is now taking over the country.

0:20:480:20:51

I used to run a kids' team.

0:20:510:20:53

I used to run one for my oldest lad and one for my youngest.

0:20:530:20:57

I used to do an under-eights team.

0:20:570:20:59

For my son. He was the captain.

0:20:590:21:03

An achievement for a kid with a wooden leg!

0:21:050:21:08

There was no bias. I just built the team around him.

0:21:080:21:12

Mainly cos he doesn't move a lot.

0:21:120:21:14

The thing about kids' football is you get passionate about it,

0:21:160:21:19

but the worst people are the mothers.

0:21:190:21:22

They are absolutely berserk!

0:21:240:21:26

You'd be at the football and the mad mums would be there.

0:21:260:21:29

They'd be going, "Look! Look at him! Tommy! Tommy! Shoot!

0:21:290:21:32

"Shoot! Score a goal! Score a goal!

0:21:320:21:35

"Score a goal!" "He's in goal, love!"

0:21:350:21:39

I had this horrendous situation when we had the five-a-side tournaments.

0:21:410:21:46

An under-eights team, five-a-side.

0:21:460:21:48

Which meant that we could take eight players.

0:21:480:21:51

I picked the eight players. Unfortunately, on the day,

0:21:510:21:54

nine turned up.

0:21:540:21:56

Awful.

0:21:560:21:58

Nine turned up.

0:21:580:21:59

One kid extra. His mum comes up to me and says,

0:21:590:22:03

"Why is he not going?" You've got to do what you're supposed to do.

0:22:030:22:06

The FA tell you to keep it all-inclusive. So I said, "Look,

0:22:060:22:10

"he can't come today because we can only take eight.

0:22:100:22:13

"That's all I'm allowed to take. We're only taking eight.

0:22:130:22:17

"But if he keeps on trying, coming to training, getting better,

0:22:170:22:22

"practising all his skills. He's shit, love. He's shit."

0:22:220:22:25

"He's shit. I don't know why he comes. Why do you send him?

0:22:270:22:31

"He's crying now. Look at him!"

0:22:310:22:34

A problem with fat kids is that they can turn into fat adults.

0:22:370:22:40

When that happens, we know you need to go on a diet.

0:22:400:22:45

I am constantly on a diet.

0:22:470:22:50

I've been a size 6, size 8, size 10.

0:22:500:22:53

Size 12, size 14 and size 16.

0:22:530:22:56

Notoriously I'll come down in the morning

0:22:560:22:58

and I mean, seriously, I just look like a whale.

0:22:580:23:02

I can be skinny if I want to be.

0:23:020:23:04

But it's just a bit boring!

0:23:040:23:07

I've tried every single diet going.

0:23:080:23:10

-Green tea diet.

-Cucumber diet.

-Cabbage diet.

0:23:100:23:13

I can diet till the cows come home.

0:23:130:23:16

I can lose weight. There's no point. Don't know why I bother.

0:23:160:23:19

I can lose weight round my belly, my thighs,

0:23:190:23:22

everywhere, my face.

0:23:220:23:23

But the one place my weight never goes down is in my boobs!

0:23:230:23:28

I can't believe having boobs on men.

0:23:280:23:31

I think people probably should chill out a bit more

0:23:310:23:35

or investigate the plethora of food available to them.

0:23:350:23:39

If you go and eat three trifles, you're going to get fat. It's simple.

0:23:390:23:44

May your shortbread be sugary

0:23:440:23:45

and may your brew be iron.

0:23:450:23:49

I think the rule is, just don't eat so much!

0:23:490:23:53

That's my only diet base I have.

0:23:530:23:55

It's got to be sugary. If your shortbread's not sugary,

0:23:550:23:59

and your brew's not iron,

0:23:590:24:01

I don't know if you'll fit in up here.

0:24:010:24:05

There is an attitude about dieting

0:24:120:24:14

and I think that attitude splits between the sexes.

0:24:140:24:17

Women seem to be on a constant diet.

0:24:170:24:20

Whereas a bloke, you make a decision.

0:24:200:24:23

You make a decision, normally around 35, you make a decision

0:24:230:24:27

whether to just let it go and be the jolly lad in the pub

0:24:270:24:32

of stay on a diet.

0:24:320:24:33

You have to make a decision. A bloke can.

0:24:330:24:36

A bloke can turn to a mate and say, "You're a fat bastard." And he goes, "Yeah, I'm a fat bastard.

0:24:360:24:41

"But it's all paid for. It's all paid for. I'm a fat bastard. It's paid for."

0:24:410:24:47

I've yet to see a woman when her mate says,

0:24:470:24:50

"Ooh..."

0:24:500:24:51

LAUGHTER

0:24:510:24:53

"Your bum looks big in that." "I know, but it's all paid for!"

0:24:530:24:57

Face it. If you need to lose weight, the best thing you can do is hit the gym.

0:25:040:25:10

The gym is a waste of time. It's full of posers.

0:25:150:25:18

They put the gel on and flex themselves in front of the mirror, and that's just the blokes.

0:25:180:25:24

Love gyms, hate gyms, love gyms, hate gyms.

0:25:240:25:26

That is my life.

0:25:260:25:28

Waste of money, time and effort.

0:25:280:25:30

If you want to get sweaty, you can do it elsewhere.

0:25:300:25:33

The weird thing about gyms is the noises people make lifting weights.

0:25:330:25:37

You've got that kind of primal grunt

0:25:370:25:39

maybe moving on to a bout of diarrhoea.

0:25:390:25:42

Real "Eughh". Then at the end of the scale

0:25:420:25:46

mechanical noises like the piston.

0:25:460:25:49

Tsss!

0:25:490:25:50

And release. Tsss!

0:25:500:25:52

It makes you feel so insignificant.

0:25:530:25:55

I've never been to a gym in my life.

0:25:550:25:57

I can't stand them.

0:25:570:25:58

If I went to a gym, I'd just walk around in my fluffy bathrobe.

0:25:580:26:02

Chopping wood is my form of exercise.

0:26:020:26:05

Or, of course, just going for a walk, running.

0:26:050:26:08

Not running, but walking.

0:26:080:26:11

To the pub.

0:26:110:26:13

The sort of people that go to gyms

0:26:150:26:17

are sexually frustrated.

0:26:170:26:20

They don't get enough sex.

0:26:210:26:23

I don't need to go to the gym.

0:26:230:26:25

Why did I say that? It's a lie!

0:26:270:26:29

Like a lot of people, I joined a gym recently. Well, I set up a standing order.

0:26:380:26:43

The money went out, but the weight didn't go anywhere.

0:26:430:26:47

The reason is cos I'm a bloke.

0:26:470:26:50

I don't mind joining a gym, but like most blokes, I spend 45 minutes in the car park

0:26:500:26:54

trying to park right by the front door!

0:26:540:26:57

The problem is, men aren't used to gyms. We don't fit in in the same way as women fit in gyms.

0:26:570:27:04

You seem to know what to do. Like gym equipment. I can't get gym equipment.

0:27:040:27:09

The last gym I went to, I spent 20 minutes exercising with the coffee machine.

0:27:090:27:13

You get stuff in there you don't get anywhere else,

0:27:130:27:16

like that thing, that cross trainer.

0:27:160:27:19

Has anyone ever had a go on one of them? Who invented that cross trainer?

0:27:190:27:23

That thing that goes like that.

0:27:230:27:25

Someone must have been in their house on a wooden floor with their socks on

0:27:250:27:29

slipping, punching dwarfs.

0:27:290:27:31

The first gym that I ever joined, to be honest, was rough.

0:27:350:27:39

When I first moved to Manchester. It was very rough.

0:27:390:27:42

I knew it was when I went on the treadmill and stood in dog shit.

0:27:420:27:46

And it's that pressure when you get in there.

0:27:500:27:52

I mean, there's blokes in gyms wearing vests.

0:27:520:27:56

Vests!

0:27:560:27:58

Whose idea was it to say, "Right, let's all start wearing vests."

0:27:580:28:03

No-one... My granddad wears vests.

0:28:030:28:07

It would be all right if it was a vest and long-johns,

0:28:070:28:10

but it makes no sense. People in vests going, "Look at my armpits." It's wrong.

0:28:100:28:15

Like most fellas, when I first joined the gym I thought it was a good opportunity to meet women.

0:28:150:28:21

No-one ever meets a woman in a gym.

0:28:210:28:24

You can't possibly chat a woman up in a gym.

0:28:240:28:27

The only thing I've ever said to a woman in a gym is...

0:28:270:28:30

.."Have you finished with that?"

0:28:310:28:33

And it's very difficult to look cool, rowing a boat that doesn't go anywhere.

0:28:330:28:38

But like a lot of people I got bored of going to the gym.

0:28:400:28:43

And for some reason I decided to sign up for a Fun Run.

0:28:430:28:48

I think Fun Runs are excellent. I think more people should do them.

0:28:510:28:55

but there should be a catch.

0:28:550:28:56

You should only be allowed to go on a Fun Run

0:28:560:28:59

if you dress as a stuffed animal.

0:28:590:29:03

When I was younger, about nine or ten,

0:29:030:29:06

I had to do this charity Fun Run thing.

0:29:060:29:08

We had to wear these tops, "I ran the West Ham Fun Run" and stuff.

0:29:080:29:14

It was absolutely awful.

0:29:140:29:16

The gun went, and I thought, "A nice little jog."

0:29:160:29:18

Boom! It was like a race. "Oh, my God, I thought this was a Fun Run."

0:29:180:29:22

Anyway, everyone's bolting around and by the time I'm halfway round, I'm sweating.

0:29:220:29:27

My hair is like... I look like Olive from On The Buses

0:29:270:29:31

and Don King's love child.

0:29:310:29:32

I'm this fat, sweaty thing, running along.

0:29:320:29:37

To make it even worse, everyone else is finished and I'm only half way.

0:29:370:29:41

They called out my name and number over the tannoy

0:29:410:29:44

and they're like, "Come on!"

0:29:440:29:46

I'm thinking, "Don't embarrass me more than I already am."

0:29:460:29:49

That's not nice.

0:29:490:29:51

There's a picture of me. Oh, this is awful.

0:29:510:29:54

I can't talk about it. It's horrible.

0:29:540:29:56

I like pink. So any stuffed animal that's pink, that'll suit me.

0:29:560:30:01

That's all I know.

0:30:010:30:03

I love her. But she's got the longest blink in history.

0:30:100:30:16

You could have a conversation with her and when she blinks, just run away.

0:30:160:30:20

Fun Runs have generated a lot of other things

0:30:210:30:25

for people to get into. For me, I stopped going to the gym.

0:30:250:30:28

Like a lot of people, I got bored with it. My mate said I needed something to aim for.

0:30:280:30:33

So this year I entered the Manchester 10k.

0:30:330:30:37

35,000 people entered the race.

0:30:370:30:39

Because there's that many, you've got to fill in a form.

0:30:390:30:42

Put your estimated finish time.

0:30:420:30:44

I phoned my mate Sam up and said, "I've never done a 10k before. What shall I put?

0:30:440:30:49

He said, "Put 25 minutes."

0:30:490:30:51

I said, "Are you serious?"

0:30:540:30:56

He said, "Yeah." I thought, "That's optimistic." I put 28 minutes and sent it off.

0:30:560:31:01

I turned up on the day. There's me and four of my mates.

0:31:010:31:05

My mates have blue numbers. I have an orange number.

0:31:070:31:11

A steward comes up and says, "What are you doing here?"

0:31:110:31:14

"I was thinking of running the race."

0:31:140:31:17

He said, "No, what are you doing back here?"

0:31:170:31:20

"I'm with my mates."

0:31:200:31:22

"No, you shouldn't be here." "Why?" "You've got an orange number.

0:31:220:31:26

"So what?"

0:31:260:31:28

He said, "That means you're an elite athlete."

0:31:280:31:31

He took me to the front. It was me and three Kenyans.

0:31:320:31:38

When I got to the front, the Kenyans were in their vests doing this.

0:31:400:31:44

I walk up in my Liverpool kit with Gerrard on the back.

0:31:440:31:47

All right?

0:31:470:31:50

They were looking at me like some East European woman they'd never heard of.

0:31:500:31:54

So arms like that.

0:31:550:31:57

The gun went off.

0:31:570:31:59

For the first 100 metres, I just went, "Yeaaahh!"

0:31:590:32:03

Even the Kenyans were going, "Jesus, she's fast!"

0:32:040:32:07

And then I got overtook by 21,450 people.

0:32:070:32:13

And a giant chicken.

0:32:130:32:15

That's what I found out. All these people that get dressed up,

0:32:170:32:20

the chicken finished the race and they wrapped him in a foil blanket.

0:32:200:32:24

What were they going to do now? Stick him in the oven?

0:32:240:32:28

But forget all that, cos the serious stuff starts in 2012

0:32:300:32:35

with the Olympics.

0:32:350:32:36

I don't care about the Olympics.

0:32:410:32:44

We're never good at anything. We invent everything and lose it.

0:32:440:32:48

So I don't see the point in even turning up.

0:32:480:32:51

When the Olympics comes to London, that's going to be good.

0:32:510:32:55

I do want to go and be there and be like Olympic. Roll up with a flag.

0:32:550:32:59

It always feels like there's more sports get added every time now.

0:32:590:33:05

I think they should add teenage pregnancy.

0:33:050:33:07

Britain's good at that.

0:33:070:33:08

Rounders.

0:33:080:33:10

I'd love to see Olympic rounders.

0:33:100:33:13

If I had to do something in the Olympics, I'd go back to ping pong.

0:33:140:33:19

But not in a furious way that the Orientals do,

0:33:190:33:22

walloping it across. Just nice and gentle.

0:33:220:33:25

Like that. Have a chat. "Want to go? We'll go home."

0:33:250:33:29

What sport would I do?

0:33:290:33:30

I suppose in my dreams I'd like to be a beach volleyballer.

0:33:300:33:35

I'd probably do that thing with a ribbon.

0:33:350:33:37

In my bikini.

0:33:370:33:39

I don't often get it out.

0:33:390:33:41

They roll about with a ribbon on a stick.

0:33:410:33:43

I do that on a Friday night in my own house!

0:33:430:33:46

The world would love to watch me play ping pong

0:33:460:33:48

in a tight top showing off my boobs.

0:33:480:33:52

We're not going to win anything. Absolutely nothing.

0:33:530:33:56

So for that reason, I'm out.

0:33:560:33:58

The whole thing about the Olympics is creating a lasting legacy.

0:34:060:34:09

They say, "We're bringing the Olympics to the East End.

0:34:090:34:13

"It will create a lasting legacy for the people of the East End."

0:34:130:34:16

All the kids that normally nick cars in Lewisham

0:34:160:34:20

can do a triple jump on their way to doing it.

0:34:200:34:24

We had the same situation here in Manchester

0:34:240:34:26

when they brought the Commonwealth Games to Manchester.

0:34:260:34:29

They said it was a great thing for us to do.

0:34:290:34:32

It will show that Manchester is an international city,

0:34:320:34:36

and the north-west is a place of international reputation.

0:34:360:34:40

It was the Commonwealth Games.

0:34:400:34:43

Let's remember what the Commonwealth Games are.

0:34:430:34:46

The Commonwealth Games only exist because 300 years ago

0:34:460:34:50

we went to different countries, invaded them, robbed their natural resources,

0:34:500:34:55

gave them a religion they didn't want, a head of state they'd never heard of

0:34:550:34:59

and we turn up 200 years later and say, "Fancy a sports day?"

0:34:590:35:03

Let's be honest. There's a velodrome in Manchester.

0:35:050:35:08

Has anyone in this room ever rode their bicycle at the velodrome?

0:35:080:35:13

No.

0:35:140:35:16

They said they'd leave a velodrome and it would be brilliant for the north-west.

0:35:160:35:21

No-one I know has ever had a go. I'd love to turn up at the velodrome on a chopper.

0:35:210:35:25

Up and down the hill with those lads who go round. "Sorry, lads. Just in third gear."

0:35:270:35:33

Be honest, the Olympics aren't for us.

0:35:340:35:37

Not for us. Not for ordinary people.

0:35:370:35:40

Most of our medals in the Olympics. Know where they're from?

0:35:400:35:44

They come from rowing. Yeah. Rowing and equestrian events.

0:35:440:35:49

That's where our medals come from.

0:35:490:35:52

Equestrian events. Horse events.

0:35:520:35:54

They had this thing on Radio 5. They were interviewing the leader of Team GB.

0:35:540:36:00

He said, "In the equestrian events, why is Team GB so good?" And he said,

0:36:000:36:05

-POSH ACCENT:

-"The reason Team GB perform so well

0:36:050:36:11

"in the equestrian events

0:36:110:36:13

"is quite simply because we've got the world-class people

0:36:130:36:17

"in dressage."

0:36:170:36:18

I know, some people think I've got limited range.

0:36:220:36:25

How does he know? How does he know they've got the best dressage people?

0:36:270:36:32

Dressage is getting on a horse and making it dance.

0:36:320:36:35

How does he know they've got the best people?

0:36:350:36:38

I've never had a go.

0:36:380:36:39

I don't know anyone who's had a go.

0:36:390:36:42

I don't know anyone who went to school and the teacher said,

0:36:420:36:45

"It's PE on Wednesday. Don't forget your pony, we've got dressage.

0:36:450:36:49

"If you don't bring your pony, you have to do it in vest and knickers."

0:36:510:36:55

And it's like this rowing and sailing. Who's ever done that?

0:37:000:37:05

I don't remember living on a council estate and people knocking saying, "Let's go out.

0:37:050:37:10

"Kev's got a new paddle."

0:37:100:37:11

The only people on our estate who had a boat had won it on Bullseye!

0:37:120:37:17

The Olympics keeps expanding its sports.

0:37:220:37:24

What they're trying to bring in for the next Olympics is skateboarding!

0:37:240:37:29

Skateboarding!

0:37:290:37:31

That's not a sport!

0:37:310:37:33

That's what kids do. If you can grow a beard, you shouldn't be allowed on a skateboard.

0:37:330:37:38

The next thing they'll say is they're going to have Kerplunk!

0:37:400:37:43

And they're looking at the Olympic Village

0:37:450:37:48

and is it going to supply all the needs of the people.

0:37:480:37:52

Do you know what goes on there? The Olympic Village, as far as I can see,

0:37:520:37:56

is just young people dressed in sportswear, having loads of sex

0:37:560:38:00

with the odd suspicion of drug use.

0:38:000:38:02

Or it's an 18-30's holiday in Faliraki.

0:38:030:38:07

And there's all these suspicions if anyone does anything well.

0:38:090:38:12

Suspicions whether they're on drugs and you have to check it out.

0:38:120:38:16

The worst case to me was this South African girl.

0:38:160:38:20

Bloke. Girl.

0:38:200:38:22

Fella.

0:38:220:38:24

Thingy. Caster Semenya.

0:38:240:38:26

Don't you think it was terrible that they sent her for tests

0:38:260:38:31

to see if she was a bloke?

0:38:310:38:33

That shows how times have changed.

0:38:330:38:36

We never did that to Fatima Whitbread.

0:38:360:38:38

Fatima's not a fella. She just looks like Uncle Frank in a skirt.

0:38:410:38:44

But that's only the Summer Olympics.

0:38:460:38:48

After that, we've got the Winter Olympics, another thing we're crap at!

0:38:480:38:52

We're just not made for it.

0:38:520:38:54

What have we won medals in? Curling.

0:38:540:38:57

Curling!

0:38:570:38:58

That's just the mums' sport. Mopping.

0:38:580:39:02

We're not built for the Winter Olympics.

0:39:070:39:10

Our Winter Olympics is having a cup of tea and going round to check if your nan's still alive!

0:39:100:39:15

But at the end of the day,

0:39:150:39:17

there's only one thing that matters in sport.

0:39:170:39:20

And that's winning.

0:39:200:39:22

I don't like competition particularly because I was never good at anything.

0:39:270:39:31

As a family, we've been brought up quite competitive,

0:39:310:39:34

I suppose from the early days of Pony Club.

0:39:340:39:37

It's not that I really want to win,

0:39:370:39:39

it's that I don't want to lose.

0:39:390:39:42

So I'd rather not take part.

0:39:420:39:45

I'm really competitive.

0:39:450:39:47

I hate when people say, "It doesn't matter if you win."

0:39:470:39:51

So that means I do very little!

0:39:510:39:53

"We're just playing for fun."

0:39:540:39:55

I don't play for fun. I play to win.

0:39:550:39:57

If you want fun, come away.

0:39:570:39:59

I like to have a kick-about and have fun and that's it.

0:39:590:40:03

You keep fit. I don't want it to be serious.

0:40:030:40:07

I am a great believer in, if you are competing, competing to win.

0:40:070:40:12

I was in it to win it, mate.

0:40:120:40:14

After losing a tennis match,

0:40:140:40:16

I was so enraged I did a McEnroe and slammed my racket down on the court.

0:40:160:40:20

I was like a John McEnroe. I was horrible.

0:40:200:40:24

I was made to sit on the deep freeze for three hours as a punishment.

0:40:240:40:28

-I was her tennis partner and it got ugly.

-It got ugly.

0:40:280:40:31

If you lose, you have to lose your grace.

0:40:310:40:34

And shake the hand. "Well done!"

0:40:340:40:36

I would just lob tennis rackets here and there, scream, have a fit.

0:40:360:40:41

-Smacked a ball.

-I smacked a ball in someone's face.

0:40:410:40:45

No, it was not pretty. It was ugly.

0:40:450:40:49

You can tell Tara's posh.

0:40:560:40:58

She had a tantrum and had to spend three hours sat on a freezer.

0:40:580:41:03

On our estate, she'd have been put in it.

0:41:030:41:06

So that's sport. Tonight Britain has taught me

0:41:070:41:10

that only sexually frustrated people go to the gym.

0:41:100:41:13

Beach volleyball could look quite different in the next Olympics.

0:41:130:41:17

And if your shortbread's not sugary,

0:41:190:41:22

and your brew's not iron,

0:41:220:41:25

you're going to have problems. Good night!

0:41:250:41:28

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:530:41:56

The third in a six-part comedy series, hosted by Liverpudlian comedian John Bishop. Each show is a laugh-a-minute, jam-packed mix of stand-up, sketches, audience chat and real-life funny stories from celebrities and members of the Great British public, all based around a particular topic that affects everyone in Britain. This episode includes Spice Girl Mel C talking about sport, as well as previously unseen stand-up.


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