Episode 3 John Bishop's Britain

Thank you!

Thank you!

Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

On tonight's show I'm looking at one of my favourite topics, sport.

And by sport, I mean football.

Our strange relationship with sport is just like a drunk man's relationship with sex.

He tells you he's going to be great at it. In his own head he thinks he's going to be great at it.

And then ultimately it's a big disappointment.

Someone ends up crying and he finishes too early.

You've got to look at Britain's record in sport

by looking at what our biggest participation sport is.

Does anyone know what the biggest participation sport is in this country?

-Fishing.

-Fishing.

What does that say about our country

when the biggest participation sport involves a packed lunch,

a flask and some worms?

To find out where sport fits in the minds of the British public,

I've spoken to hundreds of people about it.

They've given us their thoughts. Here's a sneak preview of what's coming up.

I don't want it to be serious.

MAKES SUCKING SOUND

-Catch my arse, you can have my arse.

-In my bikini.

-Like that.

-What a boring game!

-I'd rather not take part.

-Savage.

-I do that on a Friday night in my own house.

-All lost and lonely and cold.

Break his legs. Break his legs!

We'll be hearing what they think during the show, plus a few sketches.

As a nation, though, it's fair to say we are passionate about sport.

Not all the sports that we're passionate about I understand.

Cricket. I've never understood cricket.

Cricket to me does embody what Britain's about.

Cricket is basically men running round achieving nothing

while women make sandwiches.

It's true.

What are you saying no for?

As far as I'm concerned, any game where a man puts his willy in a box

isn't right.

Tennis. No-one plays tennis

apart from two weeks of the year when Wimbledon comes and then we go, "It's tennis time! Let's go mad."

To show you how bad we are at tennis,

tennis is a summer sport and the best player we've got is Scottish!

They've never had a summer!

So I've asked the people of Britain about their sporting passions.

I've grown up loving every sport. My favourite is football.

Least favourite is something like synchronised swimming.

Please explain to me, what is the point of synchronised swimming?

If you're going to do something, why not something interesting like marbles?

Cricket. I hate cricket with a passion!

I like Test match cricket. Real cricket.

It's just so terrible, the whole lbw thing and hitting it.

-What a boring game!

-Nothing happens for ten minutes but it's the fact it might that makes it interesting.

When you watch cricket, how do you know who's on what side? They're both dressed the same!

I love skiing. I'm super fast.

I say to people, "If you catch my arse, you can have my arse."

No-one can.

All that polo and water sports like swimming I hate.

Women swimming.

That I do love. You see their beautiful legs.

-Their lovely tanned bodies.

-Why watch swimming when you can watch athletics?

And when they run in, you see them lovely legs moving around. It's so lovely.

I'm not interested in sport, really, of any kind.

I'll watch anything sport-wise.

I hate sport on the telly in pubs, even more.

Everyone just stands there like that, going...

I hate hockey as well. I keep forgetting about hockey.

It was the only sport I couldn't look attractive in.

It is so unnecessarily dangerous.

I just wouldn't even fight.

I knew the boys were watching. I was like, "Have it! Absolutely have it."

Hockey to me is a girls' game. But that's what's happened with sport.

It's all mixed. Girls do what boys used to do. Boys do what girls do.

At the Olympics, they're talking about female boxing. Female boxing!

That surely doesn't work right.

Half the arguments must begin just at the weigh-in!

"I don't weigh that. Get the other scales!"

One thing you'll never get women in, though, is Formula One.

You never see a lady doing Formula One.

It's not the driving round the track that's the problem. It's the parking in the pits!

I know that's annoyed some women here. To be honest, it's statistically incorrect.

Women are good drivers, but that's not funny!

But like most blokes, my favourite sport is football.

Watching football with my family is memorable.

The mix of young and old.

Football for me just reminds me of my Uncle Lenny,

my dad, my brothers.

My granddad's quite old and shouts out random comments.

Like he's got Tourette's or something. He'll go,

"Break his legs! Break his legs!" "Chill out, Granddad!"

I used to be interested in football.

But looking back, I probably just pretended to be interested.

It was the '90s and everyone was into it.

Every match is so like the other match,

I can't see what the excitement is.

I would watch to see what other people would say, and they'd go, "Offside!" So I'd go, "Offside!"

You can be really upset that you've lost a game.

But, deep-down, your life is still all right.

It's not actual hurt.

When my dad and I go to the football,

he's fine at weekends. But midweek he comes straight from the office.

So he'll come fully suited. Pin-stripe suit, gloves, mac, briefcase.

Comes in, first question he asks, "Where's the ref from?"

It's come to the point where the guy behind pipes in, "Norway." "Thanks."

And then, once every match, he'll stand up and try and start this chant. "The ref is a self-abuser!"

And no-one sings with him. He sits down sheepishly and asks where the ref is from again.

They've already told him. So embarrassing.

Now, we've just come out of the World Cup

and we've all suffered that pain.

To be honest, to me, the World Cup is like losing your virginity.

You wait for ages for it to happen

and then when it does happen, it's a massive disappointment!

You think, "I won't do that again for years!"

In fact, because tonight was all going to be about sport -

what do you think of the suit, by the way?

WOLF WHISTLES

Look at that suit. Do you like it?

I'm a Scouser, so in Liverpool, this is reversible!

I put this on because it's a three-piece number.

I put it on because I wanted to be like Becks.

Every time you see Beckham, he's wearing a three-piece suit.

I thought I wanted to share a bit of his brilliance.

I'm not as good-looking as David Beckham.

I haven't got the brilliant football ability he's got.

But I have got three sons and a bit of a mad wife!

And they say that English footballers are too molly-coddled.

They didn't want them to come home after the World Cup and face abuse.

They suggested letting them fly into Glasgow so they could get a heroes' welcome!

Because football's changed now.

Take Maradona. If you're a kid now,

you'll watch Maradona in the World Cup and think he looks like an extra out of The Sopranos.

Or you'll just know him as that person who's been funding the Columbian cocaine farmers

all of these years.

But for some of us, he was a brilliant footballer.

A cheating little bastard, but a brilliant footballer.

Like Pele. My kids see Pele now as the man who advertises Viagra.

That's the only way they recognise Pele.

Pele was one of the best players, arguably the best footballer

that's ever lived on the planet.

But as far as my kids are concerned, he's just a bloke with a floppy willy.

And even Gazza, our own Gazza, Paul Gascoigne,

possibly the best English footballer we've ever had.

Not so good as a hostage negotiator.

Honestly.

You're watching the news. Can you imagine that situation?

You're surrounded by armed police and suddenly you hear, "It's OK, it's me - Gazza.

"I've got some chicken, four cans and a fishing rod."

The England team are getting a lot of stick.

I've actually done a gig for the England squad. This is true.

Four years ago. I'd just started doing comedy full time.

I got a phone call. People will remember as we're in Manchester,

England played a couple of games in Manchester.

They played against Macedonia,

which, to be honest, didn't exist when I was a kid.

It wasn't a country when I was a kid.

Like playing against Narnia!

But they played... They played Macedonia and Andorra.

Again, Andorra's not even a country.

There's more people live on our estate than in Andorra!

But they were playing both of them at Old Trafford. And I got this phone call to say,

"Would you like to do a private gig?" I didn't know it was for England.

I said, "I'd love to do it. Is it for a company?"

He said, "We can't tell you who it's for."

I said, "I need to know. If it's a company, I like to know who it is."

He said, "We can't tell you who it is, but it's a private gig in Manchester.

"You and a couple of other comedians."

I turned up to do this gig.

Turned up, saw the other lads. I said, "Do you know who it's for?" "No."

We turned up in this bar. We get led downstairs.

On the way down, I heard the woman who was organising it say the word "Rio".

I thought, "Oh, it's a Duran Duran night.

"I'll have to think of New Romantic jokes."

We walked into this room, a little bar in Manchester. There was 25 people there.

And it was just the England squad. Just the squad

that was here four years ago to play the preliminary games in the World Cup. Just the England squad.

The week before, Jamie Carragher had pulled out of the England squad

with a hamstring injury.

I walked in. I saw the England squad.

I was a bit nervous so I went to the bar to get a drink.

The man behind the bar said, "I thought you were injured."

You go in to do this gig, and we did the gig for the England squad

and it goes OK.

We were told before we went in, "The lads are having a night off.

"They don't want to be hassled with photos or autographs. So just do your stuff and piss off."

But I did the gig. I'm on a stool, doing a gig to the England squad.

I'm looking at them and I say, "Look, lads.

"I know what we've been told, but you are the England squad.

"You are the England squad." You have to tell them. Some of them are thick! You're the England squad.

"I've got three boys at home. I can't be here without getting you to sign something.

"Can you do us a favour, sign this pad?"

I got a pad and I wrote on it, "To the Bishop boys.

"Your dad was a better player than me."

I passed it round, and fair play, every single one of them signed it.

I know some of them couldn't read it, but every single one signed it.

When I did it, four years ago, it was a joke.

Whereas if I did it now, I'd frigging mean it, to be honest!

But football as a sport divides us more than anything,

particularly here in Manchester. I'm a Scouser.

We have that division. That M62 divide.

We've got Manchester at one end, Liverpool at one end.

And that division comes out in everything that we do.

We have to deal with it. It's created antagonism. So much so,

that all the places between Liverpool and Manchester -

Widnes, St Helens, Warrington,

they've just thought, "Sod football. Let's just pick it up. It's too much trouble!"

It does take a minute to work out that that's a joke about rugby league.

Football has changed. It's changed mainly because women have started going.

The last match that I went to, to watch Liverpool play,

and there was a couple at the front.

Some of them don't know about football. You can tell.

You could tell with them, they'd brought a picnic hamper

and at half time they were on the pitch having a sandwich!

To be honest, last season, that was the best thing I saw there.

And to tell you the biggest change in football for me

was when I first took Melanie back to our house for Sunday dinner.

We were getting serious. It was Sunday dinner.

"Come and have Sunday dinner in our house."

But in our house, over the years, we'd developed a process for Sunday dinner.

We started with Gerald Sinstadt and The Big Match.

We all knew what happened on Sunday dinner.

Me, my dad, my brother, we'd go to the kitchen, get a plate of food,

then take it into the living room.

We'd sit down, eat the plate of food and watch the football,

while my mother and sisters sat in the kitchen.

That's the way it worked and how it's worked in traditional families for years.

I brought my wife home, or wife-to-be as she was then.

We piled up our plates of food in the kitchen.

And I went walking in the living room, like that.

And she followed me. I went, "What do you want?"

You could see my sisters looking at her, going, "She's going to challenge him."

She was like a suffragette.

She walked in the living room. I thought she was going to chain herself to the telly.

My sisters was going, "There's a different way!"

My dad's looking at me, going, "Why have you brought a lesbian home?"

But the thing is with football, it's a passion that we never lose.

You can tell we'll never lose it because you see men, grown men,

big fat middle-aged bald men

wearing replica football kits.

You know the first time they put that shirt on,

they looked in the mirror and went,

"There's still a chance."

That's what men are like, in two worlds.

We live in this world, the one that you see,

and the other one that's in our head.

The one where everything is still possible.

That's what happens. I was going to Anfield last year.

I go to Anfield. There's 40,000 people at the match.

20,000 of them will be big, fat, bald, middle-aged men

wearing replica football kits waiting for that one day

that Rafael Benitez would look around and go, "We've only got ten men.

"Tell you what. Fat Eddie looks like he could do the job."

But whether you love sport or whether you hate it,

it all begins at school.

Being good at sport was so important.

Because if you weren't good at sport, you were just not cool.

PE and Games were some of my favourite classes.

That makes me sound really thick!

Also, being good at sport meant you could strut around in short shorts and get away with it.

One thing I hated most was doing cross-country.

It was running for ages for no reason.

Once a week, you're sent to run round town on cross-country.

Why send children, in football boots, running around town?

We'd start running and I'd bend off to the right and run home.

Lost and lonely and cold.

Mum was there. I ran to her arms and said, "I can't do it, Mum!

"Don't make me go back!"

Our PE teacher organised fights against other schools.

That's what our rugby was.

-I got made to do the 100 metres.

-Savage. Savage.

There was a girl who was the biggest, fattest, geekiest chick at school.

I had to run against her. I'm like, "Easy! Absolutely fine."

-No. All I see for that 100 metres...

-..is her arse.

Yeah.

I loved doing the high jump. Great fun.

I broke the school record - girls and boys - for the high jump.

How proud am I?

Just hair and legs coming towards you and landing on this thing.

Me and the girls used to sit in the girls' changing rooms

and whenever the teacher came to see me, I said, "Sorry, I can't. I'm on my period."

"Got pains. Time of the month."

"Oh, I've got cramps!"

"No, you said that last week and the week before. Do some exercise."

I was on my period more than all of the girls in the school.

I love the fact that two of those people broke the record for high jump.

You know that some kids still go to the school where Peter Crouch went

and think, "What's the point?"

But for me, sports day has changed. My lads, as they've grown,

the youngest lad was still at school still doing sports day

when it all changed and became a "non-competitive sports day".

Who has ever attended a non-competitive sports day?

What a pointless exercise that is!

I used to love sports day. It had a point, sports day.

There was a reason it was competitive.

It cheered everybody up.

We were happy to see a fat kid stuck in a hoola hoop.

Normally what happened on sports day was the parents' race.

The dads' race. I happened to turn up in a track suit.

Couldn't find any shoes that day so I had running spikes on.

But it was banned. The parents couldn't have a race.

They even banned the three-legged race in case three-legged people felt offended.

Do you know what they did instead? They stopped having sports day

and they just had activities.

They had the bouncy castle. Sports day, they had the bouncy castle

with a ramp on it, so the kids in a wheelchair, they'd wheel them up

and drop them in!

And this is the school that thinks it's cruel to lose!

But it's all changed. Sports day is different cos kids are different.

You couldn't have an egg and spoon race now, could you?

You'd have to have a KFC bucket race.

Whoever was sick first wins.

Come on, be honest. There are a lot of fat kids knocking about.

Which should mean we should have a lot of good goalies.

They were the only ones who ever went in goal.

The fat kid went in goal. That's probably why we haven't got a good goalie.

We want somebody who wants to be in goal, not someone who can't run.

But football is a passion. It's definitely a passion of mine.

Kids' football is now taking over the country.

I used to run a kids' team.

I used to run one for my oldest lad and one for my youngest.

I used to do an under-eights team.

For my son. He was the captain.

An achievement for a kid with a wooden leg!

There was no bias. I just built the team around him.

Mainly cos he doesn't move a lot.

The thing about kids' football is you get passionate about it,

but the worst people are the mothers.

They are absolutely berserk!

You'd be at the football and the mad mums would be there.

They'd be going, "Look! Look at him! Tommy! Tommy! Shoot!

"Shoot! Score a goal! Score a goal!

"Score a goal!" "He's in goal, love!"

I had this horrendous situation when we had the five-a-side tournaments.

An under-eights team, five-a-side.

Which meant that we could take eight players.

I picked the eight players. Unfortunately, on the day,

nine turned up.

Awful.

Nine turned up.

One kid extra. His mum comes up to me and says,

"Why is he not going?" You've got to do what you're supposed to do.

The FA tell you to keep it all-inclusive. So I said, "Look,

"he can't come today because we can only take eight.

"That's all I'm allowed to take. We're only taking eight.

"But if he keeps on trying, coming to training, getting better,

"practising all his skills. He's shit, love. He's shit."

"He's shit. I don't know why he comes. Why do you send him?

"He's crying now. Look at him!"

A problem with fat kids is that they can turn into fat adults.

When that happens, we know you need to go on a diet.

I am constantly on a diet.

I've been a size 6, size 8, size 10.

Size 12, size 14 and size 16.

Notoriously I'll come down in the morning

and I mean, seriously, I just look like a whale.

I can be skinny if I want to be.

But it's just a bit boring!

I've tried every single diet going.

-Green tea diet.

-Cucumber diet.

-Cabbage diet.

I can diet till the cows come home.

I can lose weight. There's no point. Don't know why I bother.

I can lose weight round my belly, my thighs,

everywhere, my face.

But the one place my weight never goes down is in my boobs!

I can't believe having boobs on men.

I think people probably should chill out a bit more

or investigate the plethora of food available to them.

If you go and eat three trifles, you're going to get fat. It's simple.

May your shortbread be sugary

and may your brew be iron.

I think the rule is, just don't eat so much!

That's my only diet base I have.

It's got to be sugary. If your shortbread's not sugary,

and your brew's not iron,

I don't know if you'll fit in up here.

There is an attitude about dieting

and I think that attitude splits between the sexes.

Women seem to be on a constant diet.

Whereas a bloke, you make a decision.

You make a decision, normally around 35, you make a decision

whether to just let it go and be the jolly lad in the pub

of stay on a diet.

You have to make a decision. A bloke can.

A bloke can turn to a mate and say, "You're a fat bastard." And he goes, "Yeah, I'm a fat bastard.

"But it's all paid for. It's all paid for. I'm a fat bastard. It's paid for."

I've yet to see a woman when her mate says,

"Ooh..."

LAUGHTER

"Your bum looks big in that." "I know, but it's all paid for!"

Face it. If you need to lose weight, the best thing you can do is hit the gym.

The gym is a waste of time. It's full of posers.

They put the gel on and flex themselves in front of the mirror, and that's just the blokes.

Love gyms, hate gyms, love gyms, hate gyms.

That is my life.

Waste of money, time and effort.

If you want to get sweaty, you can do it elsewhere.

The weird thing about gyms is the noises people make lifting weights.

You've got that kind of primal grunt

maybe moving on to a bout of diarrhoea.

Real "Eughh". Then at the end of the scale

mechanical noises like the piston.

Tsss!

And release. Tsss!

It makes you feel so insignificant.

I've never been to a gym in my life.

I can't stand them.

If I went to a gym, I'd just walk around in my fluffy bathrobe.

Chopping wood is my form of exercise.

Or, of course, just going for a walk, running.

Not running, but walking.

To the pub.

The sort of people that go to gyms

are sexually frustrated.

They don't get enough sex.

I don't need to go to the gym.

Why did I say that? It's a lie!

Like a lot of people, I joined a gym recently. Well, I set up a standing order.

The money went out, but the weight didn't go anywhere.

The reason is cos I'm a bloke.

I don't mind joining a gym, but like most blokes, I spend 45 minutes in the car park

trying to park right by the front door!

The problem is, men aren't used to gyms. We don't fit in in the same way as women fit in gyms.

You seem to know what to do. Like gym equipment. I can't get gym equipment.

The last gym I went to, I spent 20 minutes exercising with the coffee machine.

You get stuff in there you don't get anywhere else,

like that thing, that cross trainer.

Has anyone ever had a go on one of them? Who invented that cross trainer?

That thing that goes like that.

Someone must have been in their house on a wooden floor with their socks on

slipping, punching dwarfs.

The first gym that I ever joined, to be honest, was rough.

When I first moved to Manchester. It was very rough.

I knew it was when I went on the treadmill and stood in dog shit.

And it's that pressure when you get in there.

I mean, there's blokes in gyms wearing vests.

Vests!

Whose idea was it to say, "Right, let's all start wearing vests."

No-one... My granddad wears vests.

It would be all right if it was a vest and long-johns,

but it makes no sense. People in vests going, "Look at my armpits." It's wrong.

Like most fellas, when I first joined the gym I thought it was a good opportunity to meet women.

No-one ever meets a woman in a gym.

You can't possibly chat a woman up in a gym.

The only thing I've ever said to a woman in a gym is...

.."Have you finished with that?"

And it's very difficult to look cool, rowing a boat that doesn't go anywhere.

But like a lot of people I got bored of going to the gym.

And for some reason I decided to sign up for a Fun Run.

I think Fun Runs are excellent. I think more people should do them.

but there should be a catch.

You should only be allowed to go on a Fun Run

if you dress as a stuffed animal.

When I was younger, about nine or ten,

I had to do this charity Fun Run thing.

We had to wear these tops, "I ran the West Ham Fun Run" and stuff.

It was absolutely awful.

The gun went, and I thought, "A nice little jog."

Boom! It was like a race. "Oh, my God, I thought this was a Fun Run."

Anyway, everyone's bolting around and by the time I'm halfway round, I'm sweating.

My hair is like... I look like Olive from On The Buses

and Don King's love child.

I'm this fat, sweaty thing, running along.

To make it even worse, everyone else is finished and I'm only half way.

They called out my name and number over the tannoy

and they're like, "Come on!"

I'm thinking, "Don't embarrass me more than I already am."

That's not nice.

There's a picture of me. Oh, this is awful.

I can't talk about it. It's horrible.

I like pink. So any stuffed animal that's pink, that'll suit me.

That's all I know.

I love her. But she's got the longest blink in history.

You could have a conversation with her and when she blinks, just run away.

Fun Runs have generated a lot of other things

for people to get into. For me, I stopped going to the gym.

Like a lot of people, I got bored with it. My mate said I needed something to aim for.

So this year I entered the Manchester 10k.

35,000 people entered the race.

Because there's that many, you've got to fill in a form.

Put your estimated finish time.

I phoned my mate Sam up and said, "I've never done a 10k before. What shall I put?

He said, "Put 25 minutes."

I said, "Are you serious?"

He said, "Yeah." I thought, "That's optimistic." I put 28 minutes and sent it off.

I turned up on the day. There's me and four of my mates.

My mates have blue numbers. I have an orange number.

A steward comes up and says, "What are you doing here?"

"I was thinking of running the race."

He said, "No, what are you doing back here?"

"I'm with my mates."

"No, you shouldn't be here." "Why?" "You've got an orange number.

"So what?"

He said, "That means you're an elite athlete."

He took me to the front. It was me and three Kenyans.

When I got to the front, the Kenyans were in their vests doing this.

I walk up in my Liverpool kit with Gerrard on the back.

All right?

They were looking at me like some East European woman they'd never heard of.

So arms like that.

The gun went off.

For the first 100 metres, I just went, "Yeaaahh!"

Even the Kenyans were going, "Jesus, she's fast!"

And then I got overtook by 21,450 people.

And a giant chicken.

That's what I found out. All these people that get dressed up,

the chicken finished the race and they wrapped him in a foil blanket.

What were they going to do now? Stick him in the oven?

But forget all that, cos the serious stuff starts in 2012

with the Olympics.

I don't care about the Olympics.

We're never good at anything. We invent everything and lose it.

So I don't see the point in even turning up.

When the Olympics comes to London, that's going to be good.

I do want to go and be there and be like Olympic. Roll up with a flag.

It always feels like there's more sports get added every time now.

I think they should add teenage pregnancy.

Britain's good at that.

Rounders.

I'd love to see Olympic rounders.

If I had to do something in the Olympics, I'd go back to ping pong.

But not in a furious way that the Orientals do,

walloping it across. Just nice and gentle.

Like that. Have a chat. "Want to go? We'll go home."

What sport would I do?

I suppose in my dreams I'd like to be a beach volleyballer.

I'd probably do that thing with a ribbon.

In my bikini.

I don't often get it out.

They roll about with a ribbon on a stick.

I do that on a Friday night in my own house!

The world would love to watch me play ping pong

in a tight top showing off my boobs.

We're not going to win anything. Absolutely nothing.

So for that reason, I'm out.

The whole thing about the Olympics is creating a lasting legacy.

They say, "We're bringing the Olympics to the East End.

"It will create a lasting legacy for the people of the East End."

All the kids that normally nick cars in Lewisham

can do a triple jump on their way to doing it.

We had the same situation here in Manchester

when they brought the Commonwealth Games to Manchester.

They said it was a great thing for us to do.

It will show that Manchester is an international city,

and the north-west is a place of international reputation.

It was the Commonwealth Games.

Let's remember what the Commonwealth Games are.

The Commonwealth Games only exist because 300 years ago

we went to different countries, invaded them, robbed their natural resources,

gave them a religion they didn't want, a head of state they'd never heard of

and we turn up 200 years later and say, "Fancy a sports day?"

Let's be honest. There's a velodrome in Manchester.

Has anyone in this room ever rode their bicycle at the velodrome?

No.

They said they'd leave a velodrome and it would be brilliant for the north-west.

No-one I know has ever had a go. I'd love to turn up at the velodrome on a chopper.

Up and down the hill with those lads who go round. "Sorry, lads. Just in third gear."

Be honest, the Olympics aren't for us.

Not for us. Not for ordinary people.

Most of our medals in the Olympics. Know where they're from?

They come from rowing. Yeah. Rowing and equestrian events.

That's where our medals come from.

Equestrian events. Horse events.

They had this thing on Radio 5. They were interviewing the leader of Team GB.

He said, "In the equestrian events, why is Team GB so good?" And he said,

-POSH ACCENT:

-"The reason Team GB perform so well

"in the equestrian events

"is quite simply because we've got the world-class people

"in dressage."

I know, some people think I've got limited range.

How does he know? How does he know they've got the best dressage people?

Dressage is getting on a horse and making it dance.

How does he know they've got the best people?

I've never had a go.

I don't know anyone who's had a go.

I don't know anyone who went to school and the teacher said,

"It's PE on Wednesday. Don't forget your pony, we've got dressage.

"If you don't bring your pony, you have to do it in vest and knickers."

And it's like this rowing and sailing. Who's ever done that?

I don't remember living on a council estate and people knocking saying, "Let's go out.

"Kev's got a new paddle."

The only people on our estate who had a boat had won it on Bullseye!

The Olympics keeps expanding its sports.

What they're trying to bring in for the next Olympics is skateboarding!

Skateboarding!

That's not a sport!

That's what kids do. If you can grow a beard, you shouldn't be allowed on a skateboard.

The next thing they'll say is they're going to have Kerplunk!

And they're looking at the Olympic Village

and is it going to supply all the needs of the people.

Do you know what goes on there? The Olympic Village, as far as I can see,

is just young people dressed in sportswear, having loads of sex

with the odd suspicion of drug use.

Or it's an 18-30's holiday in Faliraki.

And there's all these suspicions if anyone does anything well.

Suspicions whether they're on drugs and you have to check it out.

The worst case to me was this South African girl.

Bloke. Girl.

Fella.

Thingy. Caster Semenya.

Don't you think it was terrible that they sent her for tests

to see if she was a bloke?

That shows how times have changed.

We never did that to Fatima Whitbread.

Fatima's not a fella. She just looks like Uncle Frank in a skirt.

But that's only the Summer Olympics.

After that, we've got the Winter Olympics, another thing we're crap at!

We're just not made for it.

What have we won medals in? Curling.

Curling!

That's just the mums' sport. Mopping.

We're not built for the Winter Olympics.

Our Winter Olympics is having a cup of tea and going round to check if your nan's still alive!

But at the end of the day,

there's only one thing that matters in sport.

And that's winning.

I don't like competition particularly because I was never good at anything.

As a family, we've been brought up quite competitive,

I suppose from the early days of Pony Club.

It's not that I really want to win,

it's that I don't want to lose.

So I'd rather not take part.

I'm really competitive.

I hate when people say, "It doesn't matter if you win."

So that means I do very little!

"We're just playing for fun."

I don't play for fun. I play to win.

If you want fun, come away.

I like to have a kick-about and have fun and that's it.

You keep fit. I don't want it to be serious.

I am a great believer in, if you are competing, competing to win.

I was in it to win it, mate.

After losing a tennis match,

I was so enraged I did a McEnroe and slammed my racket down on the court.

I was like a John McEnroe. I was horrible.

I was made to sit on the deep freeze for three hours as a punishment.

-I was her tennis partner and it got ugly.

-It got ugly.

If you lose, you have to lose your grace.

And shake the hand. "Well done!"

I would just lob tennis rackets here and there, scream, have a fit.

-Smacked a ball.

-I smacked a ball in someone's face.

No, it was not pretty. It was ugly.

You can tell Tara's posh.

She had a tantrum and had to spend three hours sat on a freezer.

On our estate, she'd have been put in it.

So that's sport. Tonight Britain has taught me

that only sexually frustrated people go to the gym.

Beach volleyball could look quite different in the next Olympics.

And if your shortbread's not sugary,

and your brew's not iron,

you're going to have problems. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd