Episode 4 John Bishop's Britain


Episode 4

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Transcript


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Thank you, good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

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APPLAUSE This week, I'll be looking at the

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nation's least favourite pastime, work. Things have changed. There

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was a time when working in a bank was a respectable job. It was what

:01:00.:01:04.

you wanted your kids to do when they left school. Not now. Everyone

:01:04.:01:10.

hates bankers now. Even in Al-Qaeda, they're saying, look, the heats off

:01:10.:01:13.

us, as long as you don't get a job in RBS.

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LAUGHTER If you work for British Gas, you

:01:16.:01:20.

will notice that this show is on every time, at the same time, every

:01:21.:01:26.

week. We were going to schedule it especially for British Gas workers

:01:26.:01:31.

some time between four and midnight. Just when you turn today on, we've

:01:31.:01:35.

been on. To discover what Britain thinks

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about work, I've spoken to hundreds of people about it. Let's see what

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they all have to say on the matter of work. Gerri Halliwell. Playing

:01:46.:01:52.

the trumpet Electric shots. Arriba, Arriba. On my knees. I can see the

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headline. I put a sticker on her back saying... I don't want to go

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under the floor. We'll hear what they think through the show and

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sketches as well. Different jobs fascinate me because people come

:02:05.:02:08.

from different backgrounds. I didn't start my life doing this. I

:02:08.:02:12.

left a job to do this. I had a proper job, a normal job, a real

:02:12.:02:18.

job. I worked as a sales an marketing director of a

:02:18.:02:22.

pharmaceutical director. It was a good job. There weren't many lads

:02:22.:02:31.

from my estate who ended up a sales and marketing director of a

:02:31.:02:34.

pharmaceutical company. There were some in related industries. But

:02:34.:02:38.

none of them got BUPA. It was one of them jobs that it's a good job

:02:38.:02:42.

but no-one understand what's they do. I remember when I got that

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promotion, it was a moment to be proud. I went home to my wife and

:02:46.:02:50.

said "Bring the boys in." My lads at that time would have been nine,

:02:50.:02:55.

seven and five. I said, bring the boys in, I have something to tell

:02:55.:03:00.

them. They came into the kitchen. I said, listen boys, I know what

:03:00.:03:04.

happens at school, people always ask what I do for a job. Tomorrow

:03:04.:03:11.

you can say "My dad is a director of sales and marketing in a

:03:11.:03:16.

pharmaceutical company." And the kids all just looked at each other

:03:16.:03:24.

like that. My middle lad went, "Billy's dad drives a digger." Me

:03:24.:03:31.

other two went, "Does he?! "He was a digger driver, my kids thought he

:03:31.:03:37.

was a hero. He drove a digger! I was a sales and marketing director.

:03:37.:03:43.

I did a Powerpoint presentation. But it doesn't matter what you end

:03:43.:03:49.

up doing. No-one forgets their first job. My first job was in a

:03:49.:03:54.

chippy. For my first job it was in a high profile London salon. All my

:03:54.:03:59.

mates come in from school. They'd order loads of food and I'd go that

:03:59.:04:05.

will be 14p please. My idol was a child was Gerri Halliwell. About

:04:05.:04:09.

two months into working there she walked through the door My first

:04:09.:04:14.

job was painting AA signs on the motorway. I had to just say like,

:04:14.:04:18.

please could you sign this? I have nothing against motorway

:04:18.:04:22.

maintenance. I like the wardrobe. Two minutes later my manager sacked

:04:22.:04:27.

me. The first job was working illegally in America on a

:04:28.:04:31.

construction site. Scaffolding is the one I remember best and I am

:04:31.:04:38.

most proud of. Also illegal Mexicans. Every time I see

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scaffolding I have a twinge of nostalgia. Every time a helicopter

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flew over it was Arriba! The only way to get them upright is to jigle

:04:50.:04:55.

them up like this, it seriously does your wrists in. By the end of

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:05:05.:05:10.

that job, oh, you know, no pleasure What I love about that clip is that

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lad saying they were hiding from immigration. A Scottish lad and two

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Mexicans. As if you wouldn't spot the two lads in the some brair row

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and the one in the kilt. I like that story because my first job was

:05:24.:05:27.

also on a building site. I worked on a building site with possibly

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the most stupid person I have ever met in my life. He was a lad from

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Widnes called Mark. This is true this. It was at that time, I was 16,

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and people had left school. They used to put tattoos in Indian ink

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on themselves, really rubbish tattoos. He wrote, this lad Mark,

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wrote his own name on his left arm. Obviously because he was right

:05:51.:05:55.

handed. To tell you how stupid he was, I would say at least twice a

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week, I used to catch him out with the same thing. I used to say "Have

:06:00.:06:09.

you cut yourself?" He'd go no, why? And I'd go "What's that mark on

:06:09.:06:17.

your arm." That kept me amused for six months. You need some sound

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career advice for your first job. We had this like machine in our

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careers department that you put in answer all these questions, about

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40 questions, and it would print out a ticket of what your job that

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you're going to do. Every time I done it, I was always a plumber. So

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I'd answer all the questions again, changing some of the answers, I'm

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still a plumber. Do I look like a plumber? Be honest, I don't know

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what a plumber does. But I know it's to do with like under the

:06:51.:06:59.

floor. And pipes. And water. So, yeah I don't want to go under the

:06:59.:07:09.
:07:09.:07:10.

floor. Let's be honest, the world would be

:07:11.:07:16.

a better place if every plumber was like that. Wouldn't it be great if

:07:16.:07:26.
:07:26.:07:26.

a plumber turned up and goes "Hiya!" Porn films would be

:07:26.:07:32.

massively different. My actual first job, that first job on the

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building, the job I thought would change my life, was a job you don't

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see advertised any more. I answered an advert, there will be people in

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this room who have looked at these adverts and thought "Should I

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phone." There was an advert in the Liverpool Echo. It said "Are you

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sad? Lonely? Got no money, got no prospects? I used to be like that,

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but now I've got two cars, a boat, all the girls I can. If you want to

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live a life like me call Chaz after 7pm." So I phoned Chaz after 7pm.

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His mum answered. LAUGHTER

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She put me onto Chaz and Chaz said "Do you want a job?" I said I do.

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He said we're selling something, but it's not a product, it's a

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concept, a way of lie. I went for this job in Chester. When I was in

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the interview, he showed me a picture of a Ferrari. He said "See

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that. You could have one of these one day. "I thought, that's

:08:40.:08:46.

brilliant. He said "Come and meet the rest of the team." I still

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didn't know what I was selling. I walked down the corridor. As I

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walked down the corridor I heard a little noise. I walked into this

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room. It was full of middle aged men, I would say about eight of

:09:00.:09:08.

them, all in a circle, singing. What they were singing was

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# We sell Kirby cleaners # We sell Kirby cleaners #

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LAUGHTER If you have no idea what they were,

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this is way before Dyson. It's not only a Hoover, it could cut your

:09:25.:09:31.

hair, creosote your fence. It could do everything. Ba got me, is every

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morning we had to sing this song. They give you a sheet and say this

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is the song. It would be to a popular tune. Then there was a

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fight every morning to get the tambourine. If you got the

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tambourine you were in. That was the first step to getting the

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Ferrari. We used to do that every morning. I was there, this is when

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I realised that perhaps I was in the wrong world. I'd been doing the

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job for two weeks. We're all singing

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# We sell Kirby cleaners # Chaz burst in, almost kicked the

:10:01.:10:08.

door off the hinges and he went "There's something wrong." Everyone

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stopped singing. There's me and eight other blokes with eyes full

:10:10.:10:18.

of empty ambition. He said "I can feel negative energy this here."

:10:18.:10:22.

Everyone's looking at each other, it's not me. Not me. He said we all

:10:22.:10:25.

had to get rid of our negative energy, throw it out the window. We

:10:25.:10:33.

turned to face the window and all went, Neg! Neg! Neg! And threw it

:10:33.:10:41.

out. Then we all had to face each other and go Pos! Pos! Pos!. I'm

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not saying that works every time but Fabio Capello think about it! I

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did that job, I mean, obviously the work, the world has changed

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massively now. There's this recession we're facing and the fact

:10:54.:10:59.

that the retirement age has gone up. You've only got to go to B&Q and

:10:59.:11:03.

realise that. You know that you're working in B&Q and your boss

:11:03.:11:08.

tellles you to get something. It doesn't matter what he says,

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because in half an hour you'll forget about it. There are

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occasions in life where you have a dream job. A plied for my dream job.

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A plied for something where I thought, I've got specialist skills

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and I have plenty of experience. Then I found out Ann Summers have

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already got a managing director. So that would have been my dream job.

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But most jobs don't turn out as well as you would have hoped.

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The worst job I ever had was probably delivering pizzas in

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Glasgow. The worst job I could have would be a rat detector. I worked

:11:44.:11:47.

for two weeks, got mugged three times and decided this is not for

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me at all. You know people that hunt rats, I hate animals, mice,

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pigeons. Urgh. I was employed as a model to stand in the store and be

:12:00.:12:07.

there. I went in and they said we rather you be clean shaven. They

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gave me a razor and shaving foam. spent all day on my knees measuring

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men's inside legs. I basically had my nose right on the eye line you

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know. We'd rather if you didn't wear make up. Well that's just like

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stabbing me directly in the face. I would rather be unemployed than not

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wear make up. I think it's part of entertainment. The worst job I ever

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had was playing the trumpet in EastEnders. I do love the trumpet,

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but I am now 27 and an adult. And if I get another white man van

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driver say "Where's your trumpet" I am going to shove one up his bum.

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I love being a stand-up comedian. It wasn't what I expected to do,

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but I love it. There are times when it's difficult. I've been up to the

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Edinburgh Festival, which is like the Olympics for comedians. I went

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up a couple of years ago, when I turned professional. I went to do a

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show to try and see where I stood on the hierarchy of comedy. I was

:13:13.:13:19.

in a very small venue. It only had 45 seats. I turned up one night. I

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said to the promotor, "How many's in?" She said - five. I said can't

:13:27.:13:33.

we give them their money back? She said, "No, only two have paid." I

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had to do an hour of comedy to five people. Five people! The following

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day my ogt got us together for lunch. She got together all the

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acts that were up there. There was me and a lad called Jason Manford,

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who I'm sure you're familiar with, a lad called Jason Byrne, who's

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brilliant, massive in Edinburgh and Mark Watson, another brilliant

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comedian, who's massive in Edinburgh. We sat down. We're

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having lunch. We're sat there having lunch. She says, listen lads,

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I've got your box office figures. I went oh, hell. She said to Jason

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Manford, "Jason, you've only just started going on 8 Out Of 10 Cats.

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We thought we were taking a risk bringing you here for a month and

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doing a 250-seater venue every night. We thought it was a gamble.S

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to not a gamble. It's been brilliant Jason. Already you've

:14:27.:14:31.

sold out most of the first week, all of the second week. The third

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week looks like it's going to go. They want extra shows. It's amazing.

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Well done Jason. Everyone else went, oil well done Jason." Then she

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turned to Jason Byrne. She said "Jason, you have got the biggest

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venue in Edinburgh. It's got 850 seats in it. It looks like, without

:14:59.:15:04.

a doubt, you are going to be the first person ever to sell every

:15:04.:15:09.

seat on every night of the biggest venue in Edinburgh for the whole

:15:09.:15:15.

month. That is brilliant. Well done, Jason!" Everyone went, oh, well

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done Jason. You ginger knob. Then she turned to

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me. She said "John, do you want to know your box office figures for

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tonight?" I said "It's all right. Just tell me their names."

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APPLAUSE I did this gig in Newport once,

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right, what happened I had done a gig in Cardiff. One of my mates did

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this gig in his village pub. I wouldn't normally do it, it was in

:15:50.:15:54.

a Smallvilleage. He said just do it on your way over from Cardiff. I

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thought all right. It was a monthly gig. It was a tiny village. It was

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upstairs in a pub. There's only 75 people in there. Whilst I was on

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the stage, I was trying to do my stuff. I was getting heckled by

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this lad, in a way I didn't understand. He would just shout out.

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I thought I'm getting heckled in Welsh. I thought it -- I was

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getting heckled in Welsh. I thought that's cheating. I tried the

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standard put downs. It wouldn't work. He carried on. I said "I

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don't speak. I do -- don't do this or that." He carried on. I said,

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"What's wrong with you? Have you got Tourette's?" And 74 of them

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went, "Yeah, he has. "

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APPLAUSE And even now, I have a son who has

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a paper round. Which basically means I've got a paper round.

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You've got to get up and get them out of bed. The oddest experience

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for me came the other week when he was ill, well "ill", he was in bed

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couldn't get up. I got up. You can't tell the paper shop he's not

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coming. I will get up and do the papers. This is true this, this is

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only the week before last. I was walking up a path, one of the

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customers was getting the Radio Times. So I was walking up the path

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to deliver the aRadio Times. I flicked it over and I was on page

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12. I thought, how much does that look like I'm promoting myself?

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Have you seen page 12? Thank you, tell your friends.

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Before you can get any job, you have to go through that torturous

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process, the interview. I went for an interview once at

:17:57.:18:01.

this estate agents. The boss was just brilliant. One of the

:18:01.:18:05.

interviews I did was for a gas company. It was to work in the call

:18:05.:18:12.

centre. He goes hi Chris, I'm Ian. I was sat down going this is going

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to be cringey. I got through to the next round where you do a test on

:18:17.:18:23.

the phones. He said "How fast do you run in seconds." He was talking

:18:23.:18:28.

about his sons. He drew a picture of how far his son could throw a

:18:28.:18:34.

ball. The first call was a happy customer. The second customer is

:18:34.:18:38.

angry, who starts off shouting down the phone, saying "I've just come

:18:38.:18:44.

back from holiday and my boiler was broke and I have one leg." It sets

:18:44.:18:49.

me off laughing. I answered all the questions. Then he springs on me,

:18:49.:18:54.

"What are your weaknesses?" Inside I was thinking, boys, chocolate,

:18:54.:19:00.

drink. I've been asked twice before what sort of, if you could be any

:19:00.:19:04.

animal what would you be? I went in with an ant and the guy was like,

:19:04.:19:09.

oh, yeah good, team work. The second I wasn't concentrating, I

:19:09.:19:14.

went in with domesticated cat. Oh, yeah, explain yourself. And I said,

:19:14.:19:17.

"You know they live the life of luxury and clean their own

:19:17.:19:27.

genitals." I didn't get the job. APPLAUSE

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I tell you what's got me as well, the call centres, it's all right

:19:31.:19:36.

when you phone a call centre. They are a pain in the arse. I got a

:19:36.:19:40.

phone call off the bank. I got a phone call, someone phoned me and

:19:40.:19:45.

said "Is that Mr Bishop?" Yeah. This is the bank. OK. He said I

:19:45.:19:50.

need to verify if you're Mr Bishop. LAUGHTER

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I said well you phoned me. We're not sure that you're who you are. I

:19:55.:20:02.

said "Why did you bleedin phone me then?" We just need to check. I

:20:02.:20:08.

said, I didn't ask you to phone. But the thing is as well, when you

:20:08.:20:13.

go through that process, you have that, they said the interview

:20:13.:20:16.

questions which has got to be the most ridiculous questions on the

:20:16.:20:19.

planet. They're always the same. It's always that stuff where they

:20:19.:20:24.

say, "What's your strengths?" There's answers that you have got

:20:24.:20:29.

to give. You can't say one is I'm a very sexual person. Why did you

:20:29.:20:33.

leave your last job? Because they found out I lied at interviews. It

:20:33.:20:37.

doesn't work. The thing is, now what's happening, because the

:20:37.:20:42.

world's so open, employers, which I think is wrong have started looking

:20:42.:20:45.

at applicants Facebook page. That is terrible. I mean it probably

:20:45.:20:50.

does give you an insight to things if you look on the Facebook page.

:20:50.:20:55.

You can say I'm not is keen on his fascination with Nazi memorabilia.

:20:55.:21:01.

Having said that, he does look good in a gimp mask.

:21:01.:21:08.

My first proper job, I did all those messy jobs, selling the Kirby

:21:08.:21:12.

cleaners. Then the first job came along when I got an interview for a

:21:12.:21:16.

pharmaceutical company. I phoned this guy. He said I'll meet you in

:21:16.:21:21.

the middle of Liverpool at the Adelphi Tea Rooms. The Adelphi was

:21:21.:21:30.

a really posh hotel in Liverpool. This is about 20 years ago. I had

:21:30.:21:35.

�5 out of my dole money left. As it was, I didn't have a suit. So I

:21:35.:21:39.

borrowed a suit off a mate of mine. The suit looked great, if I was sat

:21:39.:21:46.

down. If I was stood up, the suit didn't change, I just stayed like

:21:46.:21:54.

that. ( I walked into the Adelphi Tea Rooms. The fella wasn't there.

:21:54.:22:00.

I thought I'll get in early, I'll stay sat down all the way through.

:22:00.:22:05.

One of the waiters comes over and does that thing that Scouse people

:22:05.:22:15.
:22:15.:22:19.

do when they're trying to be posh, we throw a "H" in. When the lad

:22:19.:22:23.

comes in, he arrives when the tea arrives. I put my �5 down. All I

:22:24.:22:28.

had in the world. Whilst the interview begins. We are having a

:22:28.:22:31.

conversation. The waiter puts �3.50 next to it. I thought I can't pick

:22:31.:22:36.

up the change now. It's rude. I'll just sit here and have the

:22:36.:22:39.

interview. We're having the interview and I thought, if I reach

:22:39.:22:44.

over, he'll know the suit doesn't fit any way.

:22:44.:22:49.

We'd been talking for about 15 minutes, when the waiter notices

:22:49.:22:59.
:22:59.:23:04.

He come along wnd ante"Thank you, Sir." He put it in his pocket. I

:23:04.:23:08.

saw the last penny I had in the world walk away and I thought, if I

:23:08.:23:12.

don't get this job, I'm going to come back and stab you.

:23:12.:23:22.

LAUGHTER What's worst, and I'm not kidding

:23:22.:23:29.

you, it was the last money I had. I had to go to my Nan's to get me. I

:23:29.:23:34.

had to walk all the way. But it is, it was one of those things. That

:23:34.:23:38.

was my first proper job. I was working for a proper company. When

:23:38.:23:41.

I went to the office for the first time, I thought, this is

:23:41.:23:45.

unbelievable. It was an office in Maidenhead, a proper office. I

:23:45.:23:48.

walked in, I thought this is a great office. This is a fun office.

:23:48.:23:52.

I knew it was going to be fun when I saw skid marks on the photo

:23:52.:23:59.

coppier. The work place has changed now as well. The one thing I hate

:23:59.:24:03.

now about working in offices and stuff like that, is now you have

:24:03.:24:07.

this thing called e-mail chain letters. When someone sends you an

:24:07.:24:11.

e-mail and says you have to pass it on to ten other people or something

:24:11.:24:16.

dreadful will happen. And a butterfly will die on the other

:24:16.:24:21.

side of the world. What a load of tosh. Before we had e-mail we just

:24:21.:24:25.

had rumours. I don't remember anyone coming up to me going "You

:24:25.:24:30.

know what Sally's a slag." If you don't tell ten other people you're

:24:30.:24:35.

going to get rickets. It's all become more complicated.

:24:35.:24:39.

Like having a sicky is more complicated. You used to be able to

:24:39.:24:43.

have a sicky by saying you've got the flu. Now having the flu wasn't

:24:44.:24:48.

good enough. Having the flu was upgraded, you had to have a special

:24:48.:24:52.

flu. You had to have swine flu or bird flu. None of which exist.

:24:52.:24:55.

They're just flu that's have been made up by people who are trying to

:24:55.:25:01.

throw a sicky. I tell you now, this winter, the big thing will be

:25:01.:25:07.

injury after flu, terrible flu, my neck's killing me.

:25:07.:25:16.

APPLAUSE There's nothing worse than working

:25:17.:25:22.

for someone who thinks they are the world's best boss. In my shop, I

:25:22.:25:28.

like playing tricks and jokes to my staff. The best one is giving them

:25:28.:25:34.

electric shocks. I get a kick from the odd bit of humiliation. I love

:25:34.:25:40.

my shockers, my pens and staplers, etc, myical being lators. It looks

:25:40.:25:44.

real. You can't go wrong putting stickers on the back of people.

:25:44.:25:50.

They pick it up, an electric shock. Yes, got them again. I have an

:25:50.:25:54.

elderly member of staff called Denise. I always put a sticker on

:25:54.:26:01.

her back. The best one you get a hammer, it has to be realistic,

:26:01.:26:07.

bang, bang, ow, I've hurt myself, quick. It's very childish. It

:26:07.:26:12.

amuses me. Then I walk off and leave her. Quick get an ambulance.

:26:12.:26:17.

I've had them so many times like that. She loves being abused.

:26:17.:26:27.
:26:27.:26:33.

Verbally. My staff love me. APPLAUSE

:26:33.:26:38.

Denise, you don't need to take that. I mean, you might love Muff, you

:26:38.:26:43.

don't have to take that. You can stand up. In fact I want everyone

:26:43.:26:47.

who knows where that sweet shop is to go there with placards saying

:26:47.:26:54.

"Denise doesn't love Muff ." You can tell, you know, they both run

:26:54.:26:57.

shops. You can tell there's no HR in there. Can you treat the staff

:26:57.:27:02.

as you want. You can even give them electric shocks. Which is different

:27:03.:27:08.

in the corporate world. When I had this job, I had a situation where I

:27:08.:27:13.

had to try and sack someone. You had to brick the HR in. You have a

:27:13.:27:17.

process with a verbal warning, than a written warning, then a second

:27:17.:27:21.

written warning, then a letter from God. It went on and on and on. We

:27:21.:27:27.

ended up in a situation of having to sack this lad. And I said to the

:27:27.:27:31.

HR person, "I've never really done this before. I really don't know

:27:31.:27:36.

what to say to him." They said, tell him his time's up. He's got to

:27:36.:27:40.

go. How is he going to feel when I say that to him? She said, "Well,

:27:41.:27:45.

to be honest with you, he's going to feel the same way that most

:27:45.:27:50.

people feel when they've pissed their own pants. He's going to feel

:27:50.:27:54.

angry, humiliated, he's going to feel sad, but at the end of the day,

:27:54.:27:56.

he's going to know it was his own fault."

:27:56.:28:02.

LAUGHTER When I was working as well, the

:28:02.:28:07.

biggest problem I had is I managed a team. There was a load of women

:28:07.:28:10.

in the team. Women, when you have a male boss can have any days off

:28:10.:28:19.

that you want. People who used to work for me they used to say "I

:28:19.:28:24.

need a day off. It's a female problem John." OK, it involves

:28:24.:28:30.

cysts. I don't need to know! One of the best things about being the

:28:30.:28:36.

boss, you get perks. The best perk I had before I left the corporate

:28:36.:28:43.

world to do this, I went on a conference, a meeting in San Diego.

:28:43.:28:52.

Oohhh! I grew up in Runcorn. I thought they road horses in San

:28:52.:28:56.

Diego. I couldn't believe it I went to San Diego for this meeting. As I

:28:56.:29:02.

checked in, they gave me my seat number, 1A. I thought oh, I must be

:29:02.:29:07.

driving. LAUGHTER

:29:07.:29:12.

Thought I'd have a drink, but I'll give it a go. I walked onto the

:29:12.:29:16.

plane. As I did, I instinctively turned right because that's where

:29:17.:29:21.

I'm from. That's what my DNA says to me. That's what my working class

:29:21.:29:25.

instinct is to go to the back where everyone else sits cramped up. I

:29:25.:29:32.

went to go to the back. They said, "No, Sir, you're in 1A." You're in

:29:32.:29:37.

first class. First class! I was upgraded, not business class, first

:29:37.:29:42.

class. I was in the nose. I was in the nose! You couldn't get further

:29:42.:29:46.

forward without being outside. I was in the nose. I don't know if

:29:46.:29:50.

anyone has ever flown transatlantic first class, it is unbelievable!

:29:50.:29:56.

You don't get a seat, you get a bed. You get a double bed. You get a big

:29:56.:30:01.

bed to lie on. I'm lying on this bed. You can have any choice of 150

:30:01.:30:05.

films. If you want you can probably be in a film.

:30:05.:30:12.

I'm lying on this big double bed. You get a little Filipino boy to

:30:12.:30:18.

pour milk over you. The range of food is unbelievable. You can eat

:30:18.:30:24.

anything you want. Pate made out of unicorn, it's fantastic. There the

:30:24.:30:29.

plane takes off. I'm like anybody, any Scouser in that situation, I

:30:29.:30:34.

thought, they're going to find out I don't belong. I'm eating

:30:34.:30:37.

absolutely everything, twiglets, I'm drinking everything. Then all

:30:37.:30:42.

of a sudden the plane is in the air. We've been flaiing about half an

:30:42.:30:51.

hour. She came up to me, "Mr Bishop, would you like your pajamas?" I

:30:51.:30:59.

said, "Are they free?" She said, "Of course, they're free. It's

:30:59.:31:06.

first class." I knew that. I got off my bed with my pajamas. It's a

:31:06.:31:10.

night flight, I've got pajamas. I wasn't going to say no. I went into

:31:10.:31:17.

the toilet, I say toilet, more of a spa. I went in to put my pajamas on.

:31:17.:31:22.

I'm there, getting undressed, in the spa, giving my clothes to the

:31:22.:31:26.

butler, who's stood there. I'm putting pajamas on. There's a thing

:31:26.:31:30.

that probably not everyone realises this, if you're a man of a certain

:31:30.:31:34.

generation, you can't wear pajamas with underpants because your mum

:31:34.:31:38.

said to you, you can't wear underpants. If you did you wouldn't

:31:38.:31:42.

get the benefit of the underpants. I've never understood what that

:31:42.:31:49.

means, but it's in my head. It's in my subconscious so deep that I took

:31:49.:31:56.

my underpants off. There's another thing that you do when you take

:31:56.:32:04.

your underpants off, you wake the little fella up. Then I put my

:32:04.:32:11.

pajamas on. I'm stood in the first class toilet, with a bit of a semi.

:32:11.:32:15.

It was at that point, that I walked out of the toilet and stood in

:32:15.:32:24.

front of me was Colin -- Colin Montgomerie, the international golf

:32:24.:32:33.

legend that is Colin Montgomerie. He was stood in front me -- of me.

:32:33.:32:39.

I was in my pajamas. He was in his pajamas. I glanced down. He had a

:32:39.:32:45.

semi. APPLAUSE

:32:45.:32:53.

The highlight of the working year is always the office party. Office

:32:53.:32:58.

parties are just a recipe for disaster. I always think office

:32:58.:33:02.

parties are fun. You always see people who are frightfully serious

:33:02.:33:07.

and they let their hair down. You get intimate and do something

:33:07.:33:11.

terrible. We have stopped having office parties. Everyone is a bit

:33:11.:33:15.

loose. They have too much to drink. The last two or three, they seemed

:33:15.:33:20.

to get worse and worse. I think they're cringingly fabulous.

:33:20.:33:24.

Somebody would get drunk and have sex with someone else. I've

:33:24.:33:28.

actually only really heard about them. I've never really been to one.

:33:28.:33:33.

You know, I have never been to an office party. I can see the

:33:33.:33:43.

headline. Is it like a rap party. The big boss walks in. You say

:33:43.:33:48.

things you never had the balls to through the year. I was drunk.

:33:48.:33:54.

They're awful and no-one enjoys themselves. He was like straight on

:33:54.:33:59.

the bum, like that. It's all a bit sordid. If looks could kill, I

:34:00.:34:09.
:34:10.:34:11.

would be dead. Watching this now, we know that

:34:11.:34:16.

somebody has got Tara's invitation and has never invited her. Tara

:34:16.:34:20.

thinks the people she worked for never had a Christmas party. You

:34:20.:34:24.

just weren't invited. The thing is a Christmas party is a wonderful

:34:24.:34:28.

thing. It's a way to pull people together. Someone came up with this

:34:28.:34:34.

ludicrous idea of the secret Santa. In this room everyone's been a

:34:34.:34:38.

victim of the secret Santa. This idea to put the name in a hat, so

:34:38.:34:42.

that you have to buy a present for someone you've never spoke to and

:34:42.:34:48.

spend �5 on them. No more than �5. That's what we need �5, because

:34:48.:34:52.

that's what you want, a present off someone you've never spoke to that

:34:52.:34:57.

cost �5. Some people take it too far. One year when I was working,

:34:57.:35:04.

somebody bought me-a book. -- half a book. It only works in the office

:35:04.:35:09.

environment. I cannot imagine builders adopting secret Santa, can

:35:09.:35:15.

you? Passing four cans of special brew to each other "All right,

:35:15.:35:20.

Dave." And the other thing as well that happens at Christmas at work,

:35:20.:35:24.

which is probably a good thing, is you get the opportunity for the

:35:25.:35:28.

office Christmas dinner, which means you have to sit there with a

:35:28.:35:33.

paper hat on sitting around with people you don't like. Which is a

:35:33.:35:40.

great rehearsal for the actual day. At times, you do get the lunatic

:35:40.:35:43.

come out. You get that person who comeles out,

:35:43.:35:47.

I remember when Melanie went to her last Christmas party. She came in.

:35:47.:35:52.

I'd been babysitting. She came in with an shallen face. She said, you

:35:52.:35:59.

know Michael? Yeah, the lad would works in accounts? Yeah, I said,

:35:59.:36:09.
:36:09.:36:09.

quiet Michael? He said yeah, He got pissed and put his Dick in the

:36:09.:36:13.

boss's soup. There's no answer to that. Now with these austerity

:36:14.:36:17.

measures, I was speaking to a mate who went on his last Christmas

:36:17.:36:21.

party, they've cut back that much, they haven't even got a photo

:36:21.:36:25.

coppier in the office. He had to walk around describing his arse to

:36:25.:36:30.

everyone. So I decided to change when I left

:36:30.:36:34.

that office environment. I decided to change to do this job, to become

:36:34.:36:39.

a comedian, which meant I was self- employed, which mean that's now my

:36:39.:36:44.

Christmas party is me photo copying my own bum looking at it and going

:36:45.:36:52.

"You're a knobhead." Then I cop off with meself, cry in the corner and

:36:52.:36:56.

have a fight with myself. When I made the decision to leave that job

:36:56.:36:59.

that a lot of people have and to venture into this world of comedy,

:36:59.:37:03.

it was a big step. It's not something you take lightly. I sat

:37:03.:37:08.

the kids down, I spoke to Melanie first. She said, "I think you need

:37:08.:37:13.

to tell the kids there's going to be changes." I said, listen boys,

:37:13.:37:17.

things are going to change around here. They said, why? I said, I'm

:37:17.:37:20.

no longer going to have the company car. And maybe we're going to have

:37:20.:37:23.

less money for holidays and at Christmas, we'll probably have

:37:23.:37:30.

fewer presents. And they said, "Why?" I said, I'm going to be a

:37:30.:37:35.

comedian. They said, "But you're not funny." I said, to be honest,

:37:35.:37:40.

you're not my demographic. I left me job and tok a chance.

:37:40.:37:43.

Sometimes I think in life if you take a chance, things work out for

:37:43.:37:47.

you. I took a chance. When I took a chance I got a phone call two weeks

:37:47.:37:51.

later. I got this phone call to say look, would you like to be in a

:37:51.:37:57.

panto. I've only just gone full- time as a comedian, I went oh, I

:37:57.:38:01.

didn't want to be in a panto. You know what it's like, the perception

:38:01.:38:04.

of a panto is that your career is not going very well. It's difficult

:38:04.:38:09.

when someone says do you want to do this, to say you don't want to it

:38:09.:38:14.

might not look good. It's like when someone offers you baby, and you've

:38:14.:38:19.

got to say it's lovely but in your mind it's bloody ugly. You have to

:38:19.:38:25.

pretend it's lovely. So do you want to be in a panto, I said, no. Tell

:38:25.:38:32.

me about it. She said "It's Dick Whittington." OK. She said, "It's

:38:32.:38:38.

going to be in the Lowry Theatre in Salford. "It's a beautiful theatre

:38:38.:38:43.

built in Salford. Because that's what happens. They take areas like

:38:43.:38:46.

Salford, an area with social deprivation, with high crime rate,

:38:46.:38:49.

an area associated with drug violence and they say, you know

:38:49.:38:56.

what these need, a lovely theatre. The gangs never shoot each other

:38:56.:39:01.

when there's Chekhov on. Then she said it's going to be in the Lowry

:39:01.:39:05.

Theatre. It's a lfl theatre. I know, but you still have to get in and

:39:05.:39:10.

out. She said "I want you to be in it." She said the part was to be

:39:10.:39:15.

captain Cutles. I don't know if I wanted to do it. I needed the money.

:39:15.:39:19.

I said OK who's Dick Whittington? She says Chesney Hawkes. I thought

:39:19.:39:23.

well, if you're going to be in a panto, you have to do it with the

:39:23.:39:30.

one and only. I said, yeah. We had to do a

:39:30.:39:34.

special matinee for all the schools of Salford. What happens, all the

:39:34.:39:38.

kids come in, 1700 kids come in from the schools of Salford.

:39:38.:39:42.

There's a scene in every panto, I think it's best known as the he's

:39:42.:39:48.

behind you scene. What happened in this panto, I sail the ship.

:39:48.:39:53.

There's me, Chesney Hawkes. I sink the ship, we end up marooned in

:39:53.:39:59.

Morocco. We've got a lad who's supposed to chase us. When we did

:39:59.:40:03.

the rehearsals we didn't rehearse being chased. We have been chased

:40:03.:40:08.

before. When it come to the opening night the director realised he

:40:08.:40:13.

hadn't cast anyone to the gorilla. There was a stage hand, "Are you

:40:13.:40:20.

doing anything in this scene?" No. Do you want to be a gorilla? You

:40:20.:40:25.

could see in his eyes, he had been waiting all his lives. He said

:40:25.:40:31.

"I'll be the best gorilla you've ever seen." I tell you he was. He

:40:31.:40:36.

wore the suit when he wasn't on the stage. Short of throwing his own

:40:36.:40:41.

poo at the audience, he couldn't be more like it. We had the most

:40:41.:40:46.

fantastic gorilla in panto land. We asked the kids to let us know if

:40:46.:40:51.

they saw anything. This fantastic gorilla jumped out and that is when

:40:51.:40:55.

you know Salford is a rough place, when there's 1700 kids in there and

:40:55.:41:04.

none of them would snitch. APPLAUSE

:41:04.:41:07.

People have asked me what it's like doing this job, how would you

:41:07.:41:12.

describe your life now. Because it's difficult when you do a normal

:41:12.:41:17.

job, you have an appraisal. It's difficult to have an appraisal

:41:17.:41:21.

doing this job. You know straight away whether it's working. The only

:41:21.:41:25.

way to describe what life is like is like having oral sex with a girl

:41:25.:41:32.

who has big teeth. It's true. It can be brilliant, but you know at

:41:32.:41:38.

any minute it can be a disaster. LAUGHTER

:41:38.:41:43.

That's how it's all changed for me, but it could all change again for

:41:43.:41:53.
:41:53.:41:58.

anyone who has a brilliant business I had a business idea.

:41:58.:42:04.

listening. It was called White Wings Dove Release. Tell me more.

:42:04.:42:09.

It was a dove release company, for like weddings, funerals, you know

:42:09.:42:14.

Mother's Day, when children were born, Valentine's Day. And the USP

:42:14.:42:18.

is? Apparently you can dye them. What you do, you get like for

:42:18.:42:23.

weddings, you have your white ones. Volumen tiens, could be pink. I

:42:23.:42:28.

thought you could have black ones for funerals. It just never

:42:28.:42:33.

happened. I got like 15 doves. Really? They weren't doves. They

:42:33.:42:38.

were white racing pigeons. I was no good at keeping them. They broke

:42:38.:42:43.

out. This is absolutely ludicrous and I am ou.

:42:43.:42:51.

-- Out. APPLAUSE

:42:51.:42:56.

You know what I loved about that, because when I first saw it, I was

:42:56.:43:00.

probably like a lot of you in this room, that's not a bad idea, that.

:43:00.:43:06.

That was work. Tonight Britain has taught me that all scaffolders are

:43:06.:43:09.

Liverpudlian comedian John Bishop presents viewers with a mix of stand-up, sketches and real-life stories from members of the Great British public, based around a particular topic that affects everyone in Britain. John is joined by James Corden, who talks about his first job.


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