Episode 4 John Bishop's Britain

Episode 4

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Thank you, good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.


APPLAUSE This week, I'll be looking at the


nation's least favourite pastime, work. Things have changed. There


was a time when working in a bank was a respectable job. It was what


you wanted your kids to do when they left school. Not now. Everyone


hates bankers now. Even in Al-Qaeda, they're saying, look, the heats off


us, as long as you don't get a job in RBS.


LAUGHTER If you work for British Gas, you


will notice that this show is on every time, at the same time, every


week. We were going to schedule it especially for British Gas workers


some time between four and midnight. Just when you turn today on, we've


been on. To discover what Britain thinks


about work, I've spoken to hundreds of people about it. Let's see what


they all have to say on the matter of work. Gerri Halliwell. Playing


the trumpet Electric shots. Arriba, Arriba. On my knees. I can see the


headline. I put a sticker on her back saying... I don't want to go


under the floor. We'll hear what they think through the show and


sketches as well. Different jobs fascinate me because people come


from different backgrounds. I didn't start my life doing this. I


left a job to do this. I had a proper job, a normal job, a real


job. I worked as a sales an marketing director of a


pharmaceutical director. It was a good job. There weren't many lads


from my estate who ended up a sales and marketing director of a


pharmaceutical company. There were some in related industries. But


none of them got BUPA. It was one of them jobs that it's a good job


but no-one understand what's they do. I remember when I got that


promotion, it was a moment to be proud. I went home to my wife and


said "Bring the boys in." My lads at that time would have been nine,


seven and five. I said, bring the boys in, I have something to tell


them. They came into the kitchen. I said, listen boys, I know what


happens at school, people always ask what I do for a job. Tomorrow


you can say "My dad is a director of sales and marketing in a


pharmaceutical company." And the kids all just looked at each other


like that. My middle lad went, "Billy's dad drives a digger." Me


other two went, "Does he?! "He was a digger driver, my kids thought he


was a hero. He drove a digger! I was a sales and marketing director.


I did a Powerpoint presentation. But it doesn't matter what you end


up doing. No-one forgets their first job. My first job was in a


chippy. For my first job it was in a high profile London salon. All my


mates come in from school. They'd order loads of food and I'd go that


will be 14p please. My idol was a child was Gerri Halliwell. About


two months into working there she walked through the door My first


job was painting AA signs on the motorway. I had to just say like,


please could you sign this? I have nothing against motorway


maintenance. I like the wardrobe. Two minutes later my manager sacked


me. The first job was working illegally in America on a


construction site. Scaffolding is the one I remember best and I am


most proud of. Also illegal Mexicans. Every time I see


scaffolding I have a twinge of nostalgia. Every time a helicopter


flew over it was Arriba! The only way to get them upright is to jigle


them up like this, it seriously does your wrists in. By the end of


that job, oh, you know, no pleasure What I love about that clip is that


lad saying they were hiding from immigration. A Scottish lad and two


Mexicans. As if you wouldn't spot the two lads in the some brair row


and the one in the kilt. I like that story because my first job was


also on a building site. I worked on a building site with possibly


the most stupid person I have ever met in my life. He was a lad from


Widnes called Mark. This is true this. It was at that time, I was 16,


and people had left school. They used to put tattoos in Indian ink


on themselves, really rubbish tattoos. He wrote, this lad Mark,


wrote his own name on his left arm. Obviously because he was right


handed. To tell you how stupid he was, I would say at least twice a


week, I used to catch him out with the same thing. I used to say "Have


you cut yourself?" He'd go no, why? And I'd go "What's that mark on


your arm." That kept me amused for six months. You need some sound


career advice for your first job. We had this like machine in our


careers department that you put in answer all these questions, about


40 questions, and it would print out a ticket of what your job that


you're going to do. Every time I done it, I was always a plumber. So


I'd answer all the questions again, changing some of the answers, I'm


still a plumber. Do I look like a plumber? Be honest, I don't know


what a plumber does. But I know it's to do with like under the


floor. And pipes. And water. So, yeah I don't want to go under the


floor. Let's be honest, the world would be


a better place if every plumber was like that. Wouldn't it be great if


a plumber turned up and goes "Hiya!" Porn films would be


massively different. My actual first job, that first job on the


building, the job I thought would change my life, was a job you don't


see advertised any more. I answered an advert, there will be people in


this room who have looked at these adverts and thought "Should I


phone." There was an advert in the Liverpool Echo. It said "Are you


sad? Lonely? Got no money, got no prospects? I used to be like that,


but now I've got two cars, a boat, all the girls I can. If you want to


live a life like me call Chaz after 7pm." So I phoned Chaz after 7pm.


His mum answered. LAUGHTER


She put me onto Chaz and Chaz said "Do you want a job?" I said I do.


He said we're selling something, but it's not a product, it's a


concept, a way of lie. I went for this job in Chester. When I was in


the interview, he showed me a picture of a Ferrari. He said "See


that. You could have one of these one day. "I thought, that's


brilliant. He said "Come and meet the rest of the team." I still


didn't know what I was selling. I walked down the corridor. As I


walked down the corridor I heard a little noise. I walked into this


room. It was full of middle aged men, I would say about eight of


them, all in a circle, singing. What they were singing was


# We sell Kirby cleaners # We sell Kirby cleaners #


LAUGHTER If you have no idea what they were,


this is way before Dyson. It's not only a Hoover, it could cut your


hair, creosote your fence. It could do everything. Ba got me, is every


morning we had to sing this song. They give you a sheet and say this


is the song. It would be to a popular tune. Then there was a


fight every morning to get the tambourine. If you got the


tambourine you were in. That was the first step to getting the


Ferrari. We used to do that every morning. I was there, this is when


I realised that perhaps I was in the wrong world. I'd been doing the


job for two weeks. We're all singing


# We sell Kirby cleaners # Chaz burst in, almost kicked the


door off the hinges and he went "There's something wrong." Everyone


stopped singing. There's me and eight other blokes with eyes full


of empty ambition. He said "I can feel negative energy this here."


Everyone's looking at each other, it's not me. Not me. He said we all


had to get rid of our negative energy, throw it out the window. We


turned to face the window and all went, Neg! Neg! Neg! And threw it


out. Then we all had to face each other and go Pos! Pos! Pos!. I'm


not saying that works every time but Fabio Capello think about it! I


did that job, I mean, obviously the work, the world has changed


massively now. There's this recession we're facing and the fact


that the retirement age has gone up. You've only got to go to B&Q and


realise that. You know that you're working in B&Q and your boss


tellles you to get something. It doesn't matter what he says,


because in half an hour you'll forget about it. There are


occasions in life where you have a dream job. A plied for my dream job.


A plied for something where I thought, I've got specialist skills


and I have plenty of experience. Then I found out Ann Summers have


already got a managing director. So that would have been my dream job.


But most jobs don't turn out as well as you would have hoped.


The worst job I ever had was probably delivering pizzas in


Glasgow. The worst job I could have would be a rat detector. I worked


for two weeks, got mugged three times and decided this is not for


me at all. You know people that hunt rats, I hate animals, mice,


pigeons. Urgh. I was employed as a model to stand in the store and be


there. I went in and they said we rather you be clean shaven. They


gave me a razor and shaving foam. spent all day on my knees measuring


men's inside legs. I basically had my nose right on the eye line you


know. We'd rather if you didn't wear make up. Well that's just like


stabbing me directly in the face. I would rather be unemployed than not


wear make up. I think it's part of entertainment. The worst job I ever


had was playing the trumpet in EastEnders. I do love the trumpet,


but I am now 27 and an adult. And if I get another white man van


driver say "Where's your trumpet" I am going to shove one up his bum.


I love being a stand-up comedian. It wasn't what I expected to do,


but I love it. There are times when it's difficult. I've been up to the


Edinburgh Festival, which is like the Olympics for comedians. I went


up a couple of years ago, when I turned professional. I went to do a


show to try and see where I stood on the hierarchy of comedy. I was


in a very small venue. It only had 45 seats. I turned up one night. I


said to the promotor, "How many's in?" She said - five. I said can't


we give them their money back? She said, "No, only two have paid." I


had to do an hour of comedy to five people. Five people! The following


day my ogt got us together for lunch. She got together all the


acts that were up there. There was me and a lad called Jason Manford,


who I'm sure you're familiar with, a lad called Jason Byrne, who's


brilliant, massive in Edinburgh and Mark Watson, another brilliant


comedian, who's massive in Edinburgh. We sat down. We're


having lunch. We're sat there having lunch. She says, listen lads,


I've got your box office figures. I went oh, hell. She said to Jason


Manford, "Jason, you've only just started going on 8 Out Of 10 Cats.


We thought we were taking a risk bringing you here for a month and


doing a 250-seater venue every night. We thought it was a gamble.S


to not a gamble. It's been brilliant Jason. Already you've


sold out most of the first week, all of the second week. The third


week looks like it's going to go. They want extra shows. It's amazing.


Well done Jason. Everyone else went, oil well done Jason." Then she


turned to Jason Byrne. She said "Jason, you have got the biggest


venue in Edinburgh. It's got 850 seats in it. It looks like, without


a doubt, you are going to be the first person ever to sell every


seat on every night of the biggest venue in Edinburgh for the whole


month. That is brilliant. Well done, Jason!" Everyone went, oh, well


done Jason. You ginger knob. Then she turned to


me. She said "John, do you want to know your box office figures for


tonight?" I said "It's all right. Just tell me their names."


APPLAUSE I did this gig in Newport once,


right, what happened I had done a gig in Cardiff. One of my mates did


this gig in his village pub. I wouldn't normally do it, it was in


a Smallvilleage. He said just do it on your way over from Cardiff. I


thought all right. It was a monthly gig. It was a tiny village. It was


upstairs in a pub. There's only 75 people in there. Whilst I was on


the stage, I was trying to do my stuff. I was getting heckled by


this lad, in a way I didn't understand. He would just shout out.


I thought I'm getting heckled in Welsh. I thought it -- I was


getting heckled in Welsh. I thought that's cheating. I tried the


standard put downs. It wouldn't work. He carried on. I said "I


don't speak. I do -- don't do this or that." He carried on. I said,


"What's wrong with you? Have you got Tourette's?" And 74 of them


went, "Yeah, he has. "


APPLAUSE And even now, I have a son who has


a paper round. Which basically means I've got a paper round.


You've got to get up and get them out of bed. The oddest experience


for me came the other week when he was ill, well "ill", he was in bed


couldn't get up. I got up. You can't tell the paper shop he's not


coming. I will get up and do the papers. This is true this, this is


only the week before last. I was walking up a path, one of the


customers was getting the Radio Times. So I was walking up the path


to deliver the aRadio Times. I flicked it over and I was on page


12. I thought, how much does that look like I'm promoting myself?


Have you seen page 12? Thank you, tell your friends.


Before you can get any job, you have to go through that torturous


process, the interview. I went for an interview once at


this estate agents. The boss was just brilliant. One of the


interviews I did was for a gas company. It was to work in the call


centre. He goes hi Chris, I'm Ian. I was sat down going this is going


to be cringey. I got through to the next round where you do a test on


the phones. He said "How fast do you run in seconds." He was talking


about his sons. He drew a picture of how far his son could throw a


ball. The first call was a happy customer. The second customer is


angry, who starts off shouting down the phone, saying "I've just come


back from holiday and my boiler was broke and I have one leg." It sets


me off laughing. I answered all the questions. Then he springs on me,


"What are your weaknesses?" Inside I was thinking, boys, chocolate,


drink. I've been asked twice before what sort of, if you could be any


animal what would you be? I went in with an ant and the guy was like,


oh, yeah good, team work. The second I wasn't concentrating, I


went in with domesticated cat. Oh, yeah, explain yourself. And I said,


"You know they live the life of luxury and clean their own


genitals." I didn't get the job. APPLAUSE


I tell you what's got me as well, the call centres, it's all right


when you phone a call centre. They are a pain in the arse. I got a


phone call off the bank. I got a phone call, someone phoned me and


said "Is that Mr Bishop?" Yeah. This is the bank. OK. He said I


need to verify if you're Mr Bishop. LAUGHTER


I said well you phoned me. We're not sure that you're who you are. I


said "Why did you bleedin phone me then?" We just need to check. I


said, I didn't ask you to phone. But the thing is as well, when you


go through that process, you have that, they said the interview


questions which has got to be the most ridiculous questions on the


planet. They're always the same. It's always that stuff where they


say, "What's your strengths?" There's answers that you have got


to give. You can't say one is I'm a very sexual person. Why did you


leave your last job? Because they found out I lied at interviews. It


doesn't work. The thing is, now what's happening, because the


world's so open, employers, which I think is wrong have started looking


at applicants Facebook page. That is terrible. I mean it probably


does give you an insight to things if you look on the Facebook page.


You can say I'm not is keen on his fascination with Nazi memorabilia.


Having said that, he does look good in a gimp mask.


My first proper job, I did all those messy jobs, selling the Kirby


cleaners. Then the first job came along when I got an interview for a


pharmaceutical company. I phoned this guy. He said I'll meet you in


the middle of Liverpool at the Adelphi Tea Rooms. The Adelphi was


a really posh hotel in Liverpool. This is about 20 years ago. I had


�5 out of my dole money left. As it was, I didn't have a suit. So I


borrowed a suit off a mate of mine. The suit looked great, if I was sat


down. If I was stood up, the suit didn't change, I just stayed like


that. ( I walked into the Adelphi Tea Rooms. The fella wasn't there.


I thought I'll get in early, I'll stay sat down all the way through.


One of the waiters comes over and does that thing that Scouse people


do when they're trying to be posh, we throw a "H" in. When the lad


comes in, he arrives when the tea arrives. I put my �5 down. All I


had in the world. Whilst the interview begins. We are having a


conversation. The waiter puts �3.50 next to it. I thought I can't pick


up the change now. It's rude. I'll just sit here and have the


interview. We're having the interview and I thought, if I reach


over, he'll know the suit doesn't fit any way.


We'd been talking for about 15 minutes, when the waiter notices


He come along wnd ante"Thank you, Sir." He put it in his pocket. I


saw the last penny I had in the world walk away and I thought, if I


don't get this job, I'm going to come back and stab you.


LAUGHTER What's worst, and I'm not kidding


you, it was the last money I had. I had to go to my Nan's to get me. I


had to walk all the way. But it is, it was one of those things. That


was my first proper job. I was working for a proper company. When


I went to the office for the first time, I thought, this is


unbelievable. It was an office in Maidenhead, a proper office. I


walked in, I thought this is a great office. This is a fun office.


I knew it was going to be fun when I saw skid marks on the photo


coppier. The work place has changed now as well. The one thing I hate


now about working in offices and stuff like that, is now you have


this thing called e-mail chain letters. When someone sends you an


e-mail and says you have to pass it on to ten other people or something


dreadful will happen. And a butterfly will die on the other


side of the world. What a load of tosh. Before we had e-mail we just


had rumours. I don't remember anyone coming up to me going "You


know what Sally's a slag." If you don't tell ten other people you're


going to get rickets. It's all become more complicated.


Like having a sicky is more complicated. You used to be able to


have a sicky by saying you've got the flu. Now having the flu wasn't


good enough. Having the flu was upgraded, you had to have a special


flu. You had to have swine flu or bird flu. None of which exist.


They're just flu that's have been made up by people who are trying to


throw a sicky. I tell you now, this winter, the big thing will be


injury after flu, terrible flu, my neck's killing me.


APPLAUSE There's nothing worse than working


for someone who thinks they are the world's best boss. In my shop, I


like playing tricks and jokes to my staff. The best one is giving them


electric shocks. I get a kick from the odd bit of humiliation. I love


my shockers, my pens and staplers, etc, myical being lators. It looks


real. You can't go wrong putting stickers on the back of people.


They pick it up, an electric shock. Yes, got them again. I have an


elderly member of staff called Denise. I always put a sticker on


her back. The best one you get a hammer, it has to be realistic,


bang, bang, ow, I've hurt myself, quick. It's very childish. It


amuses me. Then I walk off and leave her. Quick get an ambulance.


I've had them so many times like that. She loves being abused.


Verbally. My staff love me. APPLAUSE


Denise, you don't need to take that. I mean, you might love Muff, you


don't have to take that. You can stand up. In fact I want everyone


who knows where that sweet shop is to go there with placards saying


"Denise doesn't love Muff ." You can tell, you know, they both run


shops. You can tell there's no HR in there. Can you treat the staff


as you want. You can even give them electric shocks. Which is different


in the corporate world. When I had this job, I had a situation where I


had to try and sack someone. You had to brick the HR in. You have a


process with a verbal warning, than a written warning, then a second


written warning, then a letter from God. It went on and on and on. We


ended up in a situation of having to sack this lad. And I said to the


HR person, "I've never really done this before. I really don't know


what to say to him." They said, tell him his time's up. He's got to


go. How is he going to feel when I say that to him? She said, "Well,


to be honest with you, he's going to feel the same way that most


people feel when they've pissed their own pants. He's going to feel


angry, humiliated, he's going to feel sad, but at the end of the day,


he's going to know it was his own fault."


LAUGHTER When I was working as well, the


biggest problem I had is I managed a team. There was a load of women


in the team. Women, when you have a male boss can have any days off


that you want. People who used to work for me they used to say "I


need a day off. It's a female problem John." OK, it involves


cysts. I don't need to know! One of the best things about being the


boss, you get perks. The best perk I had before I left the corporate


world to do this, I went on a conference, a meeting in San Diego.


Oohhh! I grew up in Runcorn. I thought they road horses in San


Diego. I couldn't believe it I went to San Diego for this meeting. As I


checked in, they gave me my seat number, 1A. I thought oh, I must be


driving. LAUGHTER


Thought I'd have a drink, but I'll give it a go. I walked onto the


plane. As I did, I instinctively turned right because that's where


I'm from. That's what my DNA says to me. That's what my working class


instinct is to go to the back where everyone else sits cramped up. I


went to go to the back. They said, "No, Sir, you're in 1A." You're in


first class. First class! I was upgraded, not business class, first


class. I was in the nose. I was in the nose! You couldn't get further


forward without being outside. I was in the nose. I don't know if


anyone has ever flown transatlantic first class, it is unbelievable!


You don't get a seat, you get a bed. You get a double bed. You get a big


bed to lie on. I'm lying on this bed. You can have any choice of 150


films. If you want you can probably be in a film.


I'm lying on this big double bed. You get a little Filipino boy to


pour milk over you. The range of food is unbelievable. You can eat


anything you want. Pate made out of unicorn, it's fantastic. There the


plane takes off. I'm like anybody, any Scouser in that situation, I


thought, they're going to find out I don't belong. I'm eating


absolutely everything, twiglets, I'm drinking everything. Then all


of a sudden the plane is in the air. We've been flaiing about half an


hour. She came up to me, "Mr Bishop, would you like your pajamas?" I


said, "Are they free?" She said, "Of course, they're free. It's


first class." I knew that. I got off my bed with my pajamas. It's a


night flight, I've got pajamas. I wasn't going to say no. I went into


the toilet, I say toilet, more of a spa. I went in to put my pajamas on.


I'm there, getting undressed, in the spa, giving my clothes to the


butler, who's stood there. I'm putting pajamas on. There's a thing


that probably not everyone realises this, if you're a man of a certain


generation, you can't wear pajamas with underpants because your mum


said to you, you can't wear underpants. If you did you wouldn't


get the benefit of the underpants. I've never understood what that


means, but it's in my head. It's in my subconscious so deep that I took


my underpants off. There's another thing that you do when you take


your underpants off, you wake the little fella up. Then I put my


pajamas on. I'm stood in the first class toilet, with a bit of a semi.


It was at that point, that I walked out of the toilet and stood in


front of me was Colin -- Colin Montgomerie, the international golf


legend that is Colin Montgomerie. He was stood in front me -- of me.


I was in my pajamas. He was in his pajamas. I glanced down. He had a




The highlight of the working year is always the office party. Office


parties are just a recipe for disaster. I always think office


parties are fun. You always see people who are frightfully serious


and they let their hair down. You get intimate and do something


terrible. We have stopped having office parties. Everyone is a bit


loose. They have too much to drink. The last two or three, they seemed


to get worse and worse. I think they're cringingly fabulous.


Somebody would get drunk and have sex with someone else. I've


actually only really heard about them. I've never really been to one.


You know, I have never been to an office party. I can see the


headline. Is it like a rap party. The big boss walks in. You say


things you never had the balls to through the year. I was drunk.


They're awful and no-one enjoys themselves. He was like straight on


the bum, like that. It's all a bit sordid. If looks could kill, I


would be dead. Watching this now, we know that


somebody has got Tara's invitation and has never invited her. Tara


thinks the people she worked for never had a Christmas party. You


just weren't invited. The thing is a Christmas party is a wonderful


thing. It's a way to pull people together. Someone came up with this


ludicrous idea of the secret Santa. In this room everyone's been a


victim of the secret Santa. This idea to put the name in a hat, so


that you have to buy a present for someone you've never spoke to and


spend �5 on them. No more than �5. That's what we need �5, because


that's what you want, a present off someone you've never spoke to that


cost �5. Some people take it too far. One year when I was working,


somebody bought me-a book. -- half a book. It only works in the office


environment. I cannot imagine builders adopting secret Santa, can


you? Passing four cans of special brew to each other "All right,


Dave." And the other thing as well that happens at Christmas at work,


which is probably a good thing, is you get the opportunity for the


office Christmas dinner, which means you have to sit there with a


paper hat on sitting around with people you don't like. Which is a


great rehearsal for the actual day. At times, you do get the lunatic


come out. You get that person who comeles out,


I remember when Melanie went to her last Christmas party. She came in.


I'd been babysitting. She came in with an shallen face. She said, you


know Michael? Yeah, the lad would works in accounts? Yeah, I said,


quiet Michael? He said yeah, He got pissed and put his Dick in the


boss's soup. There's no answer to that. Now with these austerity


measures, I was speaking to a mate who went on his last Christmas


party, they've cut back that much, they haven't even got a photo


coppier in the office. He had to walk around describing his arse to


everyone. So I decided to change when I left


that office environment. I decided to change to do this job, to become


a comedian, which meant I was self- employed, which mean that's now my


Christmas party is me photo copying my own bum looking at it and going


"You're a knobhead." Then I cop off with meself, cry in the corner and


have a fight with myself. When I made the decision to leave that job


that a lot of people have and to venture into this world of comedy,


it was a big step. It's not something you take lightly. I sat


the kids down, I spoke to Melanie first. She said, "I think you need


to tell the kids there's going to be changes." I said, listen boys,


things are going to change around here. They said, why? I said, I'm


no longer going to have the company car. And maybe we're going to have


less money for holidays and at Christmas, we'll probably have


fewer presents. And they said, "Why?" I said, I'm going to be a


comedian. They said, "But you're not funny." I said, to be honest,


you're not my demographic. I left me job and tok a chance.


Sometimes I think in life if you take a chance, things work out for


you. I took a chance. When I took a chance I got a phone call two weeks


later. I got this phone call to say look, would you like to be in a


panto. I've only just gone full- time as a comedian, I went oh, I


didn't want to be in a panto. You know what it's like, the perception


of a panto is that your career is not going very well. It's difficult


when someone says do you want to do this, to say you don't want to it


might not look good. It's like when someone offers you baby, and you've


got to say it's lovely but in your mind it's bloody ugly. You have to


pretend it's lovely. So do you want to be in a panto, I said, no. Tell


me about it. She said "It's Dick Whittington." OK. She said, "It's


going to be in the Lowry Theatre in Salford. "It's a beautiful theatre


built in Salford. Because that's what happens. They take areas like


Salford, an area with social deprivation, with high crime rate,


an area associated with drug violence and they say, you know


what these need, a lovely theatre. The gangs never shoot each other


when there's Chekhov on. Then she said it's going to be in the Lowry


Theatre. It's a lfl theatre. I know, but you still have to get in and


out. She said "I want you to be in it." She said the part was to be


captain Cutles. I don't know if I wanted to do it. I needed the money.


I said OK who's Dick Whittington? She says Chesney Hawkes. I thought


well, if you're going to be in a panto, you have to do it with the


one and only. I said, yeah. We had to do a


special matinee for all the schools of Salford. What happens, all the


kids come in, 1700 kids come in from the schools of Salford.


There's a scene in every panto, I think it's best known as the he's


behind you scene. What happened in this panto, I sail the ship.


There's me, Chesney Hawkes. I sink the ship, we end up marooned in


Morocco. We've got a lad who's supposed to chase us. When we did


the rehearsals we didn't rehearse being chased. We have been chased


before. When it come to the opening night the director realised he


hadn't cast anyone to the gorilla. There was a stage hand, "Are you


doing anything in this scene?" No. Do you want to be a gorilla? You


could see in his eyes, he had been waiting all his lives. He said


"I'll be the best gorilla you've ever seen." I tell you he was. He


wore the suit when he wasn't on the stage. Short of throwing his own


poo at the audience, he couldn't be more like it. We had the most


fantastic gorilla in panto land. We asked the kids to let us know if


they saw anything. This fantastic gorilla jumped out and that is when


you know Salford is a rough place, when there's 1700 kids in there and


none of them would snitch. APPLAUSE


People have asked me what it's like doing this job, how would you


describe your life now. Because it's difficult when you do a normal


job, you have an appraisal. It's difficult to have an appraisal


doing this job. You know straight away whether it's working. The only


way to describe what life is like is like having oral sex with a girl


who has big teeth. It's true. It can be brilliant, but you know at


any minute it can be a disaster. LAUGHTER


That's how it's all changed for me, but it could all change again for


anyone who has a brilliant business I had a business idea.


listening. It was called White Wings Dove Release. Tell me more.


It was a dove release company, for like weddings, funerals, you know


Mother's Day, when children were born, Valentine's Day. And the USP


is? Apparently you can dye them. What you do, you get like for


weddings, you have your white ones. Volumen tiens, could be pink. I


thought you could have black ones for funerals. It just never


happened. I got like 15 doves. Really? They weren't doves. They


were white racing pigeons. I was no good at keeping them. They broke


out. This is absolutely ludicrous and I am ou.




You know what I loved about that, because when I first saw it, I was


probably like a lot of you in this room, that's not a bad idea, that.


That was work. Tonight Britain has taught me that all scaffolders are


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