Episode 4 John Bishop's Britain

Thank you, good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

APPLAUSE This week, I'll be looking at the

nation's least favourite pastime, work. Things have changed. There

was a time when working in a bank was a respectable job. It was what

you wanted your kids to do when they left school. Not now. Everyone

hates bankers now. Even in Al-Qaeda, they're saying, look, the heats off

us, as long as you don't get a job in RBS.

LAUGHTER If you work for British Gas, you

will notice that this show is on every time, at the same time, every

week. We were going to schedule it especially for British Gas workers

some time between four and midnight. Just when you turn today on, we've

been on. To discover what Britain thinks

about work, I've spoken to hundreds of people about it. Let's see what

they all have to say on the matter of work. Gerri Halliwell. Playing

the trumpet Electric shots. Arriba, Arriba. On my knees. I can see the

headline. I put a sticker on her back saying... I don't want to go

under the floor. We'll hear what they think through the show and

sketches as well. Different jobs fascinate me because people come

from different backgrounds. I didn't start my life doing this. I

left a job to do this. I had a proper job, a normal job, a real

job. I worked as a sales an marketing director of a

pharmaceutical director. It was a good job. There weren't many lads

from my estate who ended up a sales and marketing director of a

pharmaceutical company. There were some in related industries. But

none of them got BUPA. It was one of them jobs that it's a good job

but no-one understand what's they do. I remember when I got that

promotion, it was a moment to be proud. I went home to my wife and

said "Bring the boys in." My lads at that time would have been nine,

seven and five. I said, bring the boys in, I have something to tell

them. They came into the kitchen. I said, listen boys, I know what

happens at school, people always ask what I do for a job. Tomorrow

you can say "My dad is a director of sales and marketing in a

pharmaceutical company." And the kids all just looked at each other

like that. My middle lad went, "Billy's dad drives a digger." Me

other two went, "Does he?! "He was a digger driver, my kids thought he

was a hero. He drove a digger! I was a sales and marketing director.

I did a Powerpoint presentation. But it doesn't matter what you end

up doing. No-one forgets their first job. My first job was in a

chippy. For my first job it was in a high profile London salon. All my

mates come in from school. They'd order loads of food and I'd go that

will be 14p please. My idol was a child was Gerri Halliwell. About

two months into working there she walked through the door My first

job was painting AA signs on the motorway. I had to just say like,

please could you sign this? I have nothing against motorway

maintenance. I like the wardrobe. Two minutes later my manager sacked

me. The first job was working illegally in America on a

construction site. Scaffolding is the one I remember best and I am

most proud of. Also illegal Mexicans. Every time I see

scaffolding I have a twinge of nostalgia. Every time a helicopter

flew over it was Arriba! The only way to get them upright is to jigle

them up like this, it seriously does your wrists in. By the end of

that job, oh, you know, no pleasure What I love about that clip is that

lad saying they were hiding from immigration. A Scottish lad and two

Mexicans. As if you wouldn't spot the two lads in the some brair row

and the one in the kilt. I like that story because my first job was

also on a building site. I worked on a building site with possibly

the most stupid person I have ever met in my life. He was a lad from

Widnes called Mark. This is true this. It was at that time, I was 16,

and people had left school. They used to put tattoos in Indian ink

on themselves, really rubbish tattoos. He wrote, this lad Mark,

wrote his own name on his left arm. Obviously because he was right

handed. To tell you how stupid he was, I would say at least twice a

week, I used to catch him out with the same thing. I used to say "Have

you cut yourself?" He'd go no, why? And I'd go "What's that mark on

your arm." That kept me amused for six months. You need some sound

career advice for your first job. We had this like machine in our

careers department that you put in answer all these questions, about

40 questions, and it would print out a ticket of what your job that

you're going to do. Every time I done it, I was always a plumber. So

I'd answer all the questions again, changing some of the answers, I'm

still a plumber. Do I look like a plumber? Be honest, I don't know

what a plumber does. But I know it's to do with like under the

floor. And pipes. And water. So, yeah I don't want to go under the

floor. Let's be honest, the world would be

a better place if every plumber was like that. Wouldn't it be great if

a plumber turned up and goes "Hiya!" Porn films would be

massively different. My actual first job, that first job on the

building, the job I thought would change my life, was a job you don't

see advertised any more. I answered an advert, there will be people in

this room who have looked at these adverts and thought "Should I

phone." There was an advert in the Liverpool Echo. It said "Are you

sad? Lonely? Got no money, got no prospects? I used to be like that,

but now I've got two cars, a boat, all the girls I can. If you want to

live a life like me call Chaz after 7pm." So I phoned Chaz after 7pm.

His mum answered. LAUGHTER

She put me onto Chaz and Chaz said "Do you want a job?" I said I do.

He said we're selling something, but it's not a product, it's a

concept, a way of lie. I went for this job in Chester. When I was in

the interview, he showed me a picture of a Ferrari. He said "See

that. You could have one of these one day. "I thought, that's

brilliant. He said "Come and meet the rest of the team." I still

didn't know what I was selling. I walked down the corridor. As I

walked down the corridor I heard a little noise. I walked into this

room. It was full of middle aged men, I would say about eight of

them, all in a circle, singing. What they were singing was

# We sell Kirby cleaners # We sell Kirby cleaners #

LAUGHTER If you have no idea what they were,

this is way before Dyson. It's not only a Hoover, it could cut your

hair, creosote your fence. It could do everything. Ba got me, is every

morning we had to sing this song. They give you a sheet and say this

is the song. It would be to a popular tune. Then there was a

fight every morning to get the tambourine. If you got the

tambourine you were in. That was the first step to getting the

Ferrari. We used to do that every morning. I was there, this is when

I realised that perhaps I was in the wrong world. I'd been doing the

job for two weeks. We're all singing

# We sell Kirby cleaners # Chaz burst in, almost kicked the

door off the hinges and he went "There's something wrong." Everyone

stopped singing. There's me and eight other blokes with eyes full

of empty ambition. He said "I can feel negative energy this here."

Everyone's looking at each other, it's not me. Not me. He said we all

had to get rid of our negative energy, throw it out the window. We

turned to face the window and all went, Neg! Neg! Neg! And threw it

out. Then we all had to face each other and go Pos! Pos! Pos!. I'm

not saying that works every time but Fabio Capello think about it! I

did that job, I mean, obviously the work, the world has changed

massively now. There's this recession we're facing and the fact

that the retirement age has gone up. You've only got to go to B&Q and

realise that. You know that you're working in B&Q and your boss

tellles you to get something. It doesn't matter what he says,

because in half an hour you'll forget about it. There are

occasions in life where you have a dream job. A plied for my dream job.

A plied for something where I thought, I've got specialist skills

and I have plenty of experience. Then I found out Ann Summers have

already got a managing director. So that would have been my dream job.

But most jobs don't turn out as well as you would have hoped.

The worst job I ever had was probably delivering pizzas in

Glasgow. The worst job I could have would be a rat detector. I worked

for two weeks, got mugged three times and decided this is not for

me at all. You know people that hunt rats, I hate animals, mice,

pigeons. Urgh. I was employed as a model to stand in the store and be

there. I went in and they said we rather you be clean shaven. They

gave me a razor and shaving foam. spent all day on my knees measuring

men's inside legs. I basically had my nose right on the eye line you

know. We'd rather if you didn't wear make up. Well that's just like

stabbing me directly in the face. I would rather be unemployed than not

wear make up. I think it's part of entertainment. The worst job I ever

had was playing the trumpet in EastEnders. I do love the trumpet,

but I am now 27 and an adult. And if I get another white man van

driver say "Where's your trumpet" I am going to shove one up his bum.

I love being a stand-up comedian. It wasn't what I expected to do,

but I love it. There are times when it's difficult. I've been up to the

Edinburgh Festival, which is like the Olympics for comedians. I went

up a couple of years ago, when I turned professional. I went to do a

show to try and see where I stood on the hierarchy of comedy. I was

in a very small venue. It only had 45 seats. I turned up one night. I

said to the promotor, "How many's in?" She said - five. I said can't

we give them their money back? She said, "No, only two have paid." I

had to do an hour of comedy to five people. Five people! The following

day my ogt got us together for lunch. She got together all the

acts that were up there. There was me and a lad called Jason Manford,

who I'm sure you're familiar with, a lad called Jason Byrne, who's

brilliant, massive in Edinburgh and Mark Watson, another brilliant

comedian, who's massive in Edinburgh. We sat down. We're

having lunch. We're sat there having lunch. She says, listen lads,

I've got your box office figures. I went oh, hell. She said to Jason

Manford, "Jason, you've only just started going on 8 Out Of 10 Cats.

We thought we were taking a risk bringing you here for a month and

doing a 250-seater venue every night. We thought it was a gamble.S

to not a gamble. It's been brilliant Jason. Already you've

sold out most of the first week, all of the second week. The third

week looks like it's going to go. They want extra shows. It's amazing.

Well done Jason. Everyone else went, oil well done Jason." Then she

turned to Jason Byrne. She said "Jason, you have got the biggest

venue in Edinburgh. It's got 850 seats in it. It looks like, without

a doubt, you are going to be the first person ever to sell every

seat on every night of the biggest venue in Edinburgh for the whole

month. That is brilliant. Well done, Jason!" Everyone went, oh, well

done Jason. You ginger knob. Then she turned to

me. She said "John, do you want to know your box office figures for

tonight?" I said "It's all right. Just tell me their names."

APPLAUSE I did this gig in Newport once,

right, what happened I had done a gig in Cardiff. One of my mates did

this gig in his village pub. I wouldn't normally do it, it was in

a Smallvilleage. He said just do it on your way over from Cardiff. I

thought all right. It was a monthly gig. It was a tiny village. It was

upstairs in a pub. There's only 75 people in there. Whilst I was on

the stage, I was trying to do my stuff. I was getting heckled by

this lad, in a way I didn't understand. He would just shout out.

I thought I'm getting heckled in Welsh. I thought it -- I was

getting heckled in Welsh. I thought that's cheating. I tried the

standard put downs. It wouldn't work. He carried on. I said "I

don't speak. I do -- don't do this or that." He carried on. I said,

"What's wrong with you? Have you got Tourette's?" And 74 of them

went, "Yeah, he has. "

APPLAUSE And even now, I have a son who has

a paper round. Which basically means I've got a paper round.

You've got to get up and get them out of bed. The oddest experience

for me came the other week when he was ill, well "ill", he was in bed

couldn't get up. I got up. You can't tell the paper shop he's not

coming. I will get up and do the papers. This is true this, this is

only the week before last. I was walking up a path, one of the

customers was getting the Radio Times. So I was walking up the path

to deliver the aRadio Times. I flicked it over and I was on page

12. I thought, how much does that look like I'm promoting myself?

Have you seen page 12? Thank you, tell your friends.

Before you can get any job, you have to go through that torturous

process, the interview. I went for an interview once at

this estate agents. The boss was just brilliant. One of the

interviews I did was for a gas company. It was to work in the call

centre. He goes hi Chris, I'm Ian. I was sat down going this is going

to be cringey. I got through to the next round where you do a test on

the phones. He said "How fast do you run in seconds." He was talking

about his sons. He drew a picture of how far his son could throw a

ball. The first call was a happy customer. The second customer is

angry, who starts off shouting down the phone, saying "I've just come

back from holiday and my boiler was broke and I have one leg." It sets

me off laughing. I answered all the questions. Then he springs on me,

"What are your weaknesses?" Inside I was thinking, boys, chocolate,

drink. I've been asked twice before what sort of, if you could be any

animal what would you be? I went in with an ant and the guy was like,

oh, yeah good, team work. The second I wasn't concentrating, I

went in with domesticated cat. Oh, yeah, explain yourself. And I said,

"You know they live the life of luxury and clean their own

genitals." I didn't get the job. APPLAUSE

I tell you what's got me as well, the call centres, it's all right

when you phone a call centre. They are a pain in the arse. I got a

phone call off the bank. I got a phone call, someone phoned me and

said "Is that Mr Bishop?" Yeah. This is the bank. OK. He said I

need to verify if you're Mr Bishop. LAUGHTER

I said well you phoned me. We're not sure that you're who you are. I

said "Why did you bleedin phone me then?" We just need to check. I

said, I didn't ask you to phone. But the thing is as well, when you

go through that process, you have that, they said the interview

questions which has got to be the most ridiculous questions on the

planet. They're always the same. It's always that stuff where they

say, "What's your strengths?" There's answers that you have got

to give. You can't say one is I'm a very sexual person. Why did you

leave your last job? Because they found out I lied at interviews. It

doesn't work. The thing is, now what's happening, because the

world's so open, employers, which I think is wrong have started looking

at applicants Facebook page. That is terrible. I mean it probably

does give you an insight to things if you look on the Facebook page.

You can say I'm not is keen on his fascination with Nazi memorabilia.

Having said that, he does look good in a gimp mask.

My first proper job, I did all those messy jobs, selling the Kirby

cleaners. Then the first job came along when I got an interview for a

pharmaceutical company. I phoned this guy. He said I'll meet you in

the middle of Liverpool at the Adelphi Tea Rooms. The Adelphi was

a really posh hotel in Liverpool. This is about 20 years ago. I had

�5 out of my dole money left. As it was, I didn't have a suit. So I

borrowed a suit off a mate of mine. The suit looked great, if I was sat

down. If I was stood up, the suit didn't change, I just stayed like

that. ( I walked into the Adelphi Tea Rooms. The fella wasn't there.

I thought I'll get in early, I'll stay sat down all the way through.

One of the waiters comes over and does that thing that Scouse people

do when they're trying to be posh, we throw a "H" in. When the lad

comes in, he arrives when the tea arrives. I put my �5 down. All I

had in the world. Whilst the interview begins. We are having a

conversation. The waiter puts �3.50 next to it. I thought I can't pick

up the change now. It's rude. I'll just sit here and have the

interview. We're having the interview and I thought, if I reach

over, he'll know the suit doesn't fit any way.

We'd been talking for about 15 minutes, when the waiter notices

He come along wnd ante"Thank you, Sir." He put it in his pocket. I

saw the last penny I had in the world walk away and I thought, if I

don't get this job, I'm going to come back and stab you.

LAUGHTER What's worst, and I'm not kidding

you, it was the last money I had. I had to go to my Nan's to get me. I

had to walk all the way. But it is, it was one of those things. That

was my first proper job. I was working for a proper company. When

I went to the office for the first time, I thought, this is

unbelievable. It was an office in Maidenhead, a proper office. I

walked in, I thought this is a great office. This is a fun office.

I knew it was going to be fun when I saw skid marks on the photo

coppier. The work place has changed now as well. The one thing I hate

now about working in offices and stuff like that, is now you have

this thing called e-mail chain letters. When someone sends you an

e-mail and says you have to pass it on to ten other people or something

dreadful will happen. And a butterfly will die on the other

side of the world. What a load of tosh. Before we had e-mail we just

had rumours. I don't remember anyone coming up to me going "You

know what Sally's a slag." If you don't tell ten other people you're

going to get rickets. It's all become more complicated.

Like having a sicky is more complicated. You used to be able to

have a sicky by saying you've got the flu. Now having the flu wasn't

good enough. Having the flu was upgraded, you had to have a special

flu. You had to have swine flu or bird flu. None of which exist.

They're just flu that's have been made up by people who are trying to

throw a sicky. I tell you now, this winter, the big thing will be

injury after flu, terrible flu, my neck's killing me.

APPLAUSE There's nothing worse than working

for someone who thinks they are the world's best boss. In my shop, I

like playing tricks and jokes to my staff. The best one is giving them

electric shocks. I get a kick from the odd bit of humiliation. I love

my shockers, my pens and staplers, etc, myical being lators. It looks

real. You can't go wrong putting stickers on the back of people.

They pick it up, an electric shock. Yes, got them again. I have an

elderly member of staff called Denise. I always put a sticker on

her back. The best one you get a hammer, it has to be realistic,

bang, bang, ow, I've hurt myself, quick. It's very childish. It

amuses me. Then I walk off and leave her. Quick get an ambulance.

I've had them so many times like that. She loves being abused.

Verbally. My staff love me. APPLAUSE

Denise, you don't need to take that. I mean, you might love Muff, you

don't have to take that. You can stand up. In fact I want everyone

who knows where that sweet shop is to go there with placards saying

"Denise doesn't love Muff ." You can tell, you know, they both run

shops. You can tell there's no HR in there. Can you treat the staff

as you want. You can even give them electric shocks. Which is different

in the corporate world. When I had this job, I had a situation where I

had to try and sack someone. You had to brick the HR in. You have a

process with a verbal warning, than a written warning, then a second

written warning, then a letter from God. It went on and on and on. We

ended up in a situation of having to sack this lad. And I said to the

HR person, "I've never really done this before. I really don't know

what to say to him." They said, tell him his time's up. He's got to

go. How is he going to feel when I say that to him? She said, "Well,

to be honest with you, he's going to feel the same way that most

people feel when they've pissed their own pants. He's going to feel

angry, humiliated, he's going to feel sad, but at the end of the day,

he's going to know it was his own fault."

LAUGHTER When I was working as well, the

biggest problem I had is I managed a team. There was a load of women

in the team. Women, when you have a male boss can have any days off

that you want. People who used to work for me they used to say "I

need a day off. It's a female problem John." OK, it involves

cysts. I don't need to know! One of the best things about being the

boss, you get perks. The best perk I had before I left the corporate

world to do this, I went on a conference, a meeting in San Diego.

Oohhh! I grew up in Runcorn. I thought they road horses in San

Diego. I couldn't believe it I went to San Diego for this meeting. As I

checked in, they gave me my seat number, 1A. I thought oh, I must be

driving. LAUGHTER

Thought I'd have a drink, but I'll give it a go. I walked onto the

plane. As I did, I instinctively turned right because that's where

I'm from. That's what my DNA says to me. That's what my working class

instinct is to go to the back where everyone else sits cramped up. I

went to go to the back. They said, "No, Sir, you're in 1A." You're in

first class. First class! I was upgraded, not business class, first

class. I was in the nose. I was in the nose! You couldn't get further

forward without being outside. I was in the nose. I don't know if

anyone has ever flown transatlantic first class, it is unbelievable!

You don't get a seat, you get a bed. You get a double bed. You get a big

bed to lie on. I'm lying on this bed. You can have any choice of 150

films. If you want you can probably be in a film.

I'm lying on this big double bed. You get a little Filipino boy to

pour milk over you. The range of food is unbelievable. You can eat

anything you want. Pate made out of unicorn, it's fantastic. There the

plane takes off. I'm like anybody, any Scouser in that situation, I

thought, they're going to find out I don't belong. I'm eating

absolutely everything, twiglets, I'm drinking everything. Then all

of a sudden the plane is in the air. We've been flaiing about half an

hour. She came up to me, "Mr Bishop, would you like your pajamas?" I

said, "Are they free?" She said, "Of course, they're free. It's

first class." I knew that. I got off my bed with my pajamas. It's a

night flight, I've got pajamas. I wasn't going to say no. I went into

the toilet, I say toilet, more of a spa. I went in to put my pajamas on.

I'm there, getting undressed, in the spa, giving my clothes to the

butler, who's stood there. I'm putting pajamas on. There's a thing

that probably not everyone realises this, if you're a man of a certain

generation, you can't wear pajamas with underpants because your mum

said to you, you can't wear underpants. If you did you wouldn't

get the benefit of the underpants. I've never understood what that

means, but it's in my head. It's in my subconscious so deep that I took

my underpants off. There's another thing that you do when you take

your underpants off, you wake the little fella up. Then I put my

pajamas on. I'm stood in the first class toilet, with a bit of a semi.

It was at that point, that I walked out of the toilet and stood in

front of me was Colin -- Colin Montgomerie, the international golf

legend that is Colin Montgomerie. He was stood in front me -- of me.

I was in my pajamas. He was in his pajamas. I glanced down. He had a

semi. APPLAUSE

The highlight of the working year is always the office party. Office

parties are just a recipe for disaster. I always think office

parties are fun. You always see people who are frightfully serious

and they let their hair down. You get intimate and do something

terrible. We have stopped having office parties. Everyone is a bit

loose. They have too much to drink. The last two or three, they seemed

to get worse and worse. I think they're cringingly fabulous.

Somebody would get drunk and have sex with someone else. I've

actually only really heard about them. I've never really been to one.

You know, I have never been to an office party. I can see the

headline. Is it like a rap party. The big boss walks in. You say

things you never had the balls to through the year. I was drunk.

They're awful and no-one enjoys themselves. He was like straight on

the bum, like that. It's all a bit sordid. If looks could kill, I

would be dead. Watching this now, we know that

somebody has got Tara's invitation and has never invited her. Tara

thinks the people she worked for never had a Christmas party. You

just weren't invited. The thing is a Christmas party is a wonderful

thing. It's a way to pull people together. Someone came up with this

ludicrous idea of the secret Santa. In this room everyone's been a

victim of the secret Santa. This idea to put the name in a hat, so

that you have to buy a present for someone you've never spoke to and

spend �5 on them. No more than �5. That's what we need �5, because

that's what you want, a present off someone you've never spoke to that

cost �5. Some people take it too far. One year when I was working,

somebody bought me-a book. -- half a book. It only works in the office

environment. I cannot imagine builders adopting secret Santa, can

you? Passing four cans of special brew to each other "All right,

Dave." And the other thing as well that happens at Christmas at work,

which is probably a good thing, is you get the opportunity for the

office Christmas dinner, which means you have to sit there with a

paper hat on sitting around with people you don't like. Which is a

great rehearsal for the actual day. At times, you do get the lunatic

come out. You get that person who comeles out,

I remember when Melanie went to her last Christmas party. She came in.

I'd been babysitting. She came in with an shallen face. She said, you

know Michael? Yeah, the lad would works in accounts? Yeah, I said,

quiet Michael? He said yeah, He got pissed and put his Dick in the

boss's soup. There's no answer to that. Now with these austerity

measures, I was speaking to a mate who went on his last Christmas

party, they've cut back that much, they haven't even got a photo

coppier in the office. He had to walk around describing his arse to

everyone. So I decided to change when I left

that office environment. I decided to change to do this job, to become

a comedian, which meant I was self- employed, which mean that's now my

Christmas party is me photo copying my own bum looking at it and going

"You're a knobhead." Then I cop off with meself, cry in the corner and

have a fight with myself. When I made the decision to leave that job

that a lot of people have and to venture into this world of comedy,

it was a big step. It's not something you take lightly. I sat

the kids down, I spoke to Melanie first. She said, "I think you need

to tell the kids there's going to be changes." I said, listen boys,

things are going to change around here. They said, why? I said, I'm

no longer going to have the company car. And maybe we're going to have

less money for holidays and at Christmas, we'll probably have

fewer presents. And they said, "Why?" I said, I'm going to be a

comedian. They said, "But you're not funny." I said, to be honest,

you're not my demographic. I left me job and tok a chance.

Sometimes I think in life if you take a chance, things work out for

you. I took a chance. When I took a chance I got a phone call two weeks

later. I got this phone call to say look, would you like to be in a

panto. I've only just gone full- time as a comedian, I went oh, I

didn't want to be in a panto. You know what it's like, the perception

of a panto is that your career is not going very well. It's difficult

when someone says do you want to do this, to say you don't want to it

might not look good. It's like when someone offers you baby, and you've

got to say it's lovely but in your mind it's bloody ugly. You have to

pretend it's lovely. So do you want to be in a panto, I said, no. Tell

me about it. She said "It's Dick Whittington." OK. She said, "It's

going to be in the Lowry Theatre in Salford. "It's a beautiful theatre

built in Salford. Because that's what happens. They take areas like

Salford, an area with social deprivation, with high crime rate,

an area associated with drug violence and they say, you know

what these need, a lovely theatre. The gangs never shoot each other

when there's Chekhov on. Then she said it's going to be in the Lowry

Theatre. It's a lfl theatre. I know, but you still have to get in and

out. She said "I want you to be in it." She said the part was to be

captain Cutles. I don't know if I wanted to do it. I needed the money.

I said OK who's Dick Whittington? She says Chesney Hawkes. I thought

well, if you're going to be in a panto, you have to do it with the

one and only. I said, yeah. We had to do a

special matinee for all the schools of Salford. What happens, all the

kids come in, 1700 kids come in from the schools of Salford.

There's a scene in every panto, I think it's best known as the he's

behind you scene. What happened in this panto, I sail the ship.

There's me, Chesney Hawkes. I sink the ship, we end up marooned in

Morocco. We've got a lad who's supposed to chase us. When we did

the rehearsals we didn't rehearse being chased. We have been chased

before. When it come to the opening night the director realised he

hadn't cast anyone to the gorilla. There was a stage hand, "Are you

doing anything in this scene?" No. Do you want to be a gorilla? You

could see in his eyes, he had been waiting all his lives. He said

"I'll be the best gorilla you've ever seen." I tell you he was. He

wore the suit when he wasn't on the stage. Short of throwing his own

poo at the audience, he couldn't be more like it. We had the most

fantastic gorilla in panto land. We asked the kids to let us know if

they saw anything. This fantastic gorilla jumped out and that is when

you know Salford is a rough place, when there's 1700 kids in there and

none of them would snitch. APPLAUSE

People have asked me what it's like doing this job, how would you

describe your life now. Because it's difficult when you do a normal

job, you have an appraisal. It's difficult to have an appraisal

doing this job. You know straight away whether it's working. The only

way to describe what life is like is like having oral sex with a girl

who has big teeth. It's true. It can be brilliant, but you know at

any minute it can be a disaster. LAUGHTER

That's how it's all changed for me, but it could all change again for

anyone who has a brilliant business I had a business idea.

listening. It was called White Wings Dove Release. Tell me more.

It was a dove release company, for like weddings, funerals, you know

Mother's Day, when children were born, Valentine's Day. And the USP

is? Apparently you can dye them. What you do, you get like for

weddings, you have your white ones. Volumen tiens, could be pink. I

thought you could have black ones for funerals. It just never

happened. I got like 15 doves. Really? They weren't doves. They

were white racing pigeons. I was no good at keeping them. They broke

out. This is absolutely ludicrous and I am ou.

-- Out. APPLAUSE

You know what I loved about that, because when I first saw it, I was

probably like a lot of you in this room, that's not a bad idea, that.

That was work. Tonight Britain has taught me that all scaffolders are