Hobbies John Bishop's Britain

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good evening, and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

Tonight, I'll be talking about hobbies,

which doesn't mean a lot if you're a parent,

cos basically, once you've got kids, you've got no time for you.

None at all. You haven't got a hobby. I've got three kids.

The only time I get to myself is when I'm locked in the toilet,

and to be honest, it's very difficult to play golf in there.

To find out what the British public really think

about their leisure time, I've spoken to hundreds of people,

some of them you'll recognise, and some of them you won't.

There they all are. They look like a hobby just in themselves.

And here's a taster of what they had to say.

-Sexual intercourse.

-Doesn't happen.

-Pointless.

-Not my cup of tea.

-I pretend to be a wizard.

-My wife loves it.

-I like the smelly ones.

-Everybody wanted a bit of my shiny Charizard.

Flies, maggots, anything that's hanging there.

Is he eating a sandwich?

-Get out the way!

-Ha!

Not really sure what their hobbies are,

but we'll be hearing more of them a little bit later,

and there'll be a sketch or two to help us along the way.

As far as hobbies are concerned,

in my opinion, that changes in your life.

There's men in this room with different hobbies now than when they were a kid.

I don't know if anyone else did it on their estate. Lollipop sticks.

Did anyone play lollipop sticks?

Lollipop sticks was a game where you got a lollipop stick

and you held it like that, and your mate had a lollipop stick,

and you hit his lollipop stick and smash his lollipop stick

and then you had a go, he had a go at your lollipop stick,

and you carried on until one of you cheated and broke the other one's thumb.

LAUGHTER

That was the joy we had when we were kids.

We had joy created out of pure lollipop sticks.

None of this X-Boxes or PSBs or whatever,

we had just bleedin' lollipop sticks.

If you were lucky, you got a lollipop stick with a joke on it.

A posh lollipop stick.

I took my kids for a bike ride -

this shows you how life has changed dramatically.

I took my kids for a bike ride. This was about five years ago

when they were still young and still spoke to me.

And we were in the park, and I did something that I thought would really bring them into my world,

teach them about my youth.

We were on the bikes, and at that point, they would have been...

Five years ago, so they would have been 12...12...12, 8 and 7.

And we were in the park. That's odd - riding a bike in a park with kids now.

It really is odd, because, for a start,

as soon as you're a bloke in a park and you get away from the kids,

it means you're a bloke in a park on your own.

Riding a bike with a bag of sweets. Everyone looks...

But I'm riding along...

I'm riding along and I saw someone had left some lollipop sticks.

I said, "Hey, kids, stop!" You're going to love this.

And I picked the lollipop stick up

and I put the lollipop stick in the spokes, like that.

Remember that? I said, "Come on, lads. Let's ride!"

Rr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr!

Rr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr!

I said to, "Listen to that!" Doesn't it make you feel like you're on a motorbike?

LAUGHTER

And they said, "Dad, I've got a PS3."

"I can go on a motorbike if I want."

That's what I mean, if you talk to kids now

about what their hobbies are, they're not like we used to have.

I asked my kid when I was doing this show,

I asked my youngest lad who's now 13, I said, "What's your hobbies?"

He said, "I like football, tennis, and I like killing zombies."

LAUGHTER

That's not a hobby. But that's the way the world's become. Computers have dominated everything.

But as children, our first major hobby,

no matter who you were, was always collecting something.

When I was younger, I used to collect Star Trek cards.

Cards were huge when I was little.

There was Pokemon cards, Uh-Yo cards.

That is a waste of money. What a con.

I'm serious - I used to spend all my money on them.

Most are the same, but occasionally there was a special card.

And I always wanted a Charizard, a shiny one.

Everybody wanted a bit of my shiny Charizard.

You'd punch a kid for it, kick him down a slide, chuck sand in his eyes. Whatever.

Nick his card, blame someone else.

Unfortunately, I used to collect Star Wars.

I had lots of Star Wars figures.

He-Man, Thundercats...

Action Men. I collected Airfix planes.

My Little Pony, Care Bears.

Jamie collected Smurfs. He had every single one.

As a child, I loved collecting butterflies, hawk moths,

which you had to go out at night.

I liked to collect snails.

Anything that really had lived.

Big ones, small ones, and I put them all in a shoebox.

I've got two shoe boxes full of rubbers.

I used to collect rubbers.

I liked the smelly ones, especially. There was one like a custard cream.

And they used to smell of ice cream and old dirty football boots.

They banned them cos children ate them, but I've still got my custard cream rubber.

Erasers, not the condom kind of rubbers.

One of the most random ones was soaps.

I used to collect matchboxes.

I'm a bit embarrassed about that. It doesn't fit with my image, collecting soaps!

I think I had about 600, 700 of them.

This is the first time I've ever spoken about my soap addiction!

I'm glad to say that I don't collect matchboxes any more,

and that phase of my life is closed.

APPLAUSE

He's now moved on from matchboxes to dressing as a big green man.

When we were kids as well, and I don't know if this was unique

to our school, but everyone I speak to had one kid in their school

who always collected something odd and had an insect in a box.

Did anyone have one of those kids who'd come up and say, "Do you want to see this?"

And as a kid you go, "Yeah, what is it?" And they go...

"It's a spider." And you'd go, "He's got a spider in a box!"

That was fun.

You couldn't carry on that kind of hobby, could you?

You couldn't be in a pub when you're 42, going...

And for me, when I was a kid as well, there was a game

that I didn't realise how serious it was, cos there's levels.

There's kids' hobbies, and if you carry them on as an adult, there's something wrong.

Just give us a cheer in here if you had Subbuteo.

SMALL CHEER

I remember getting Subbuteo one year.

It was 1977, my dad came home, it was Christmas,

and I got the England team with the stripes down the sleeves.

I got them, and the other team I got was Uganda.

Now you get Subbuteo championships,

and they make it as realistic as possible.

Now if you get a Subbuteo team, after a couple of weeks,

one of the lads will be on £30,000 a week,

one little player will have a hair transplant,

and another will start shagging his brother's wife.

APPLAUSE

But that's what I mean. There's some hobbies that when you're doing them as you get older, it's odd.

Like if you've now...if you're now 40 and you've got a BMX, grow up!

Another thing that's happened now that cycling's become mental for fellas in their 40s.

You get all these fellas like MAMILs, they're called - Middle-Aged Men In Lycra.

And I've got a couple of mates who are into it, who are...

And they think it's going to make them be fit and look cool.

Anyone wearing a cycling helmet doesn't look cool.

You just look like a very colourful cock with an odd bell-end on your head.

But to be honest, hobbies aren't just something for children.

My hobby is dancing, cooking, watching EastEnders.

Shooting, hunting and fishing are just the biggest joys one can do.

People think I've got such a fun life, but I'm actually quite a boring person.

When I'm at my happiest is when I've got a gun in my hand.

I'm a live role-player.

I dress like this. Occasionally, I pretend to be a wizard.

There must be better things to do

than dress up as something else and run round a wood

casting spells on somebody, surely!

I don't mind dressing like this,

because...I've got nothing to be ashamed of.

The later you get in life and you're still doing weird hobbies,

collecting, train-spotting, stamp-collecting,

anything like that, it gets a bit weirder.

Train-spotters...I mean, that's an acquired taste, isn't it?

How do you wake up one day

and decide I'm going to be a train-spotter?

Who wants to watch a bit of metal roll around on a bit of metal?

It's probably because you're not getting a lot of sexual intercourse.

I get it...you know, big...you know, it's exciting.

"The train driver's got a hat on!"

When a train thunders past, it makes your heart beat faster.

"Is he eating a sandwich?"

My ex-boyfriend's dad

used to collect these records which had the sound of trains.

They've sort of got less and less magnificent, haven't they, trains?

Dilly-da, dilly-doo, dilly-da, dilly-doo.

They used to have, like, steam coming out of them and make, like, a huge amount of noise.

Shh-ku, shh-ku.

Now they just sort of whirr along quietly.

Very sad.

Why would one want to stand there and see an engine coming in?

Peculiar.

APPLAUSE

I know that everyone takes the piss out of train-spotters. I know they do.

And I don't know if there's any train-spotters in here tonight.

And I know that people say, "Oh, look at them. They're sad and lonely.

"And what's going on with the girlfriend?"

Well, I can tell you now, cos we did a lot of research.

She's at home, under the bed,

in a box, waiting to be inflated when they get home.

Who's got an unusual hobby?

-I have.

-You have?

-I skateboard.

-You skateboard?

-Yeah.

Now, that's not unusual... if you're 12. How old?

-24.

-24.

-Twice the age.

Twice the age. And do you skateboard with 12-year-old kids?

-What's that thing when you jump and it flips over? What's it called?

-A kick-flip.

-Kick-flip.

-Yeah.

-Are you good at that?

-Yeah, I can do that.

-24 - I should hope so!

-Do you compete as a skateboarder?

-Yeah, I used to be a semi-pro.

-How can you be a semi-pro

-skateboarder?

-It means you're not good enough to be a real pro.

-So what does that mean?

-It means you teach kids how to do it instead.

-It was my job. I got paid to do it, but I...

-You know what? I mean, I'm taking the micky,

but I think that's brilliant. Isn't that brilliant getting paid anything

-to do something that you really want to do? So well done, well done. Good luck to you, man.

-All right.

APPLAUSE

There's these other hobbies as well that have just come in. Zumba... Where did Zumba come from?!

I'd never heard of Zumba until about six months ago. My missus come home.

She was knackered, sweating, said she could hardly walk.

I said, "What have you been doing?" She said, "I've had a session of Zumba."

I said, "Who the bleedin' hell's Zumba?"

But these days, of course, one of the biggest hobbies is karaoke. And we've all had a go at it.

Karaoke's one of those ghastly things the Japanese do

to embarrass each other.

I love karaoke.

Honestly, it's just a time for me to actually sing

and let everyone listen to me!

Karaoke's great fun. It's one of the best inventions.

My problem is, I take it too seriously.

I've been banned from karaoke with my friends,

cos I get too carried away.

It's like an X-Factor moment for me.

When I get on the microphone, it's mine for the night.

No-one can take it off me.

I've seen people doing all the dancing, like Michael Jackson.

You get these appalling singers that get up and try this karaoke.

SINGS BADLY

They should not bother.

A couple of karaoke songs I'm known for is

Walking Back To A Penis, by Helen Shapiro.

Born To Be Wild, cos you don't sing that song, you just shout it.

Chocolate Salty Balls, by Chef from South Park.

I give it a full performance.

# Funny, but it's true... #

I think if you're going to go for it, you've got to REALLY go for it.

# Say, everybody Have you seen my balls?

# They're big and salty and brown

# If you ever need a quick pick-me-up just stick my balls in your mouth. #

Dance moves...

# It only takes a minute, girl

# To fall in love To fall in love... #

# Give me the hook... #

# Suck on my chocolate salty balls. #

# All the ovation... #

I wish some bugger would give me an ovation. I'd cop off.

APPLAUSE

She's lovely, her, isn't she? I'm so glad she could do it.

It's not often you get Lady Gaga without her make-up.

And the thing is, we've all tried Karaoke,

and the reality is I've tried it, but I know I'm rubbish.

I am the worst singer in the world.

I got put in this horrible situation a couple of years ago

when I went to Liverpool to watch them play Arsenal with my mates.

It was like our Christmas do, so we'd watched the game, we'd gone for a few drinks after.

There's a pub in Liverpool called the Big House. It's right by the Adelphi Hotel.

In Liverpool, on a Sunday, it's Karaoke City.

I'm talking proper karaoke, people plan this all week,

they practise. They come out in a suit.

They don't just turn up and say, "I'll have a go."

No, No. They phone ahead.

I walked in, we've had a few drinks.

I got to the bar, and somebody obviously thought,

"There's that John Bishop, that comedian."

Somewhere between, "There's John Bishop, that comedian,"

that got changed to the man running the karaoke

to, "There's John Bishop, that all-round entertainer."

Cos he just said, "Do you want to get on stage?" I said, "It's not really for me."

He said, "Come on, come on, can you sing?"

I said, "Yeah, course I can sing." He said, "Right, you're on."

He called my name out, there was a bit of a cheer,

I walked onto the stage, it was full of anticipation,

all these people looking at me.

I thought, Jesus.

They have no idea what's coming next.

I thought, "I'm going to play my ace card."

Because I've seen X Factor, I've seen Britain's Got Talent,

I know how to play this card.

I said, "Look, I wasn't really expecting to be here tonight.

"I normally come with my nan."

"We like to sit over there, me and me nan, and watch the karaoke.

"She loves the karaoke, me nan, she's always loved it."

I said, "Tonight was going to be the night I was going to do it, but...

"..she hasn't made it.

"I mean, I know she's here, I can feel she's here,

"and tonight's just part of my journey, because...

"..I want to sing for my nan."

You could see everyone go, "Oh, God, that's lovely."

I just give him the nod, he pressed the button, I went...

# And now, the end is near... #

And for about a minute and a half, people were going...

And then it sunk in that I was actually shit.

Honest to God, I've never seen a crowd turn.

They all went, "You're shit.

"Get off, you're shit."

Suddenly, I forgot I was an all-round entertainer,

I was back to being a comedian.

I said, "I'm shit? Look at your hair, knobhead.

"You can all piss off. And me nan says you can piss off, as well!"

When I got off the stage, the fellow who ran the karaoke said,

"What are you doing?" He said, "I thought you said you could sing."

I said, "I can run - it doesn't mean I'm fast."

But another hobby popular with the Brits is sport.

I would never go near a riverbank with a rod - no, no, no, no, no!

They set their tent up, they've got their cooker.

And you've got this big pole tried to catch a fish that big. In a canal.

Sat in an idyllic spot, glass of wine.

And they just sit there all weekend, waiting for this buzzer to go.

It's boring, it's boring as hell.

I figure something very fishy about fishing.

I'm surrounded by people who are passionate about football.

I don't get the point of football.

And I have to restrict their conversations

to more than a half hour during any meal.

What is the point of watching people watching people chase a ball

around a pitch and yell at them and talk about it afterwards?

If you don't curtail it to no more than half an hour,

the entire meal will be ruined.

It is just pointless.

Darts is just brilliant.

I think it's really exciting, darts.

No, is not interesting.

You're throwing pins at the wall!

Darts is a sport. Brilliant sport.

Unless you sweat, it's not a sport.

Anybody who doesn't think it's a sport wants to have a go.

You got that little thing, and your hand's going - you should have a go.

It's like archery, but with one hand.

That is not a sport.

It's a sport - course it is.

Golf may be one of the most pointless games in the world.

Not a lot happens, does it, really?

Hitting that ball from one end of the pitch or the court to the other,

it just spoils a good walk, really.

The put it on the television. People watch this on the television.

I'd rather just go to a pitch and putt in Bognor, let's be fair.

How boring can that be?!

APPLAUSE

I've got to be honest,

I fell into the same trap as every man falls into -

I reached the age of 38, I woke up one morning

and thought, "I fancy a game of golf."

It's just one of those things you do at certain age.

And as a game, I've got to be honest with you, it's a brilliant game. It's great fun.

It's also the only sport where people do it for business.

It's the only game where you say, "Great, we got a good deal, let's go and play golf."

You never in a business meeting say, "This is good - has anyone got their trunks?

"Let's go for a dip.

"Come on, let's nail this in the pool. Come on, on the waterslide, we can finish this."

It doesn't happen, but golf's one of those sports as well

that is the most frustrating thing in the world,

and anyone who plays it will know.

And I don't understand why you should invest that much money, that much time, just to be frustrated.

If that's what you want to be, you want to be frustrated and a little bit skint,

buy a season ticket for Everton.

I shouldn't have said that, really,

cos we've just lost 250 viewers.

It's ridiculous, but sport, when you reach a certain age, is just like sex.

It's something you look at, you think you're good at, but, in all honesty,

your best days are behind you.

And that's where football comes into it.

Cos men go to watch football more and more in the middle age,

and it's just a ridiculous thing, cos you sit there,

fat men in replica football kits,

shouting at people a lot better than them going,

"You're shit!

"You're shit! I've just had four pies and a couple of pints,

"and I'm still better than you. You're shit!"

And it's ridiculous, and the thing is, football is the only form

of entertainment where you go to complain.

You will go, spend 35, 40 quid to watch a football match,

sit there, go, "You're shit! You're shit! You're shit!

"This is shit! It's shit! You're all shit!

"You're shit! And you're shit! And you're shit!

"It's shit, I'm cold, and we got beat, and it's shit!"

And they go, "Are you going on Saturday?" "Of course I'm going on Saturday."

I went with my missus to see Take That at Man City's ground.

60,000 women. There wasn't one person in that ground at that time

stood up off their seat went, "You know what? You're shit! Get off!"

It doesn't happen in any form of entertainment -

you wouldn't go back - but in football, you would, cos you invest your heart and soul in football.

Just like our mate there from Yeovil, if you realise you're not good enough,

you want to be involved at some level, which is why you end up as those football mascots.

Which is the maddest thing in the world.

I don't know you come to the conclusion of being a football mascot.

But they bring a little bit of joy.

However, I got invited to watch Arsenal play.

I've got a mate who's an Arsenal fan. This was last year. They were playing Bolton.

When Arsenal played Bolton, they had a minute's silence before the game.

And I don't know if anyone's familiar with the Arsenal mascot.

It's a thing called Gunnersaurus.

It's a man wearing a dinosaur suit.

A big, green dinosaur suit.

They had the minute's silence, and Gunnersaurus joined in.

If you've ever seen... They had the circle of all the players with their arms around him,

and Gunnersaurus is like that.

It was so funny.

Cesc Fabregas is doing his best not to piss himself.

A man in a big green suit, going, "Honestly, no-one can see, but I'm crying underneath here."

And the other thing is that we've developed as a nation,

is gyms have expanded.

They've become a massive hobby - everyone's trying to keep fit.

And I used to be into the gym.

I used to like going to the gym.

I don't go to the gym any more. I've bought a running machine.

And that's not because I've become lazy, it's because things change.

It does happen. You get a little bit on telly, and it's odd.

Because I was going to the gym... I'd done my session, I walked into the shower,

and this is actually what happened.

I walked into the shower, I did the stuff you do in the shower...

Not the other stuff you do in your own shower...

the stuff you do in a public shower. I've come out, I've showered,

I was walking back into the changing room,

and a lad walked up to me while I'm bollock naked,

and said, " John, John, can I have a picture?"

As if I was going to say, "Yeah, come on, let's have it!

"Stick that on Facebook!"

Let's be honest, what's taking over the nation...

what's taking over the nation as the number-one listed hobby...

is shopping.

I'm a shopaholic. I just shop, shop, shop, shop.

I LOVE shopping. I think I'm a shopaholic.

The sensation of purchase.

I hate shopping. I hate it.

I cannot stand it.

I try not to go shopping unless I've really got to.

It makes my piss fizz.

I don't understand how people don't enjoy it.

There's women with their prams, crashing into you,

"Get out the way."

Chavvy kids with fake Uggs walking on the side of their foot.

What's that about? Learn to walk properly.

I think I'd sooner stay home and pull teeth than go shopping.

Shopping defines men and women.

One has to do it, just to score points.

Men go out and they know what they want to buy.

That's what I want - boom - out.

But for women, the shopping IS the experience.

It's hell, shopping with my husband. He has no patience.

"Are you done yet?"

I'm like, "We've just walked in, I've picked one top up."

You've got to sit outside, you're sat there with a group of blokes,

they're all the same.

"Give me your card, go home, I'll be done before you know."

Oh, not my cup of tea at all.

Shopping with a girl is hell.

It's not sufficient to be there -

one has to look as if one's enjoying it.

You spend bloody hours traipsing around after them.

Even if I'm not buying anything, I just like to look.

Like a cow, I like to ruminate.

They can't decide.

Chew the cud and browse.

If you want it, just get it and let's go home.

An hour later they go, "I didn't buy anything, let's go somewhere else."

I'd rather punch myself in the face...

twice.

That fella saying he wants to punch himself twice in the face,

you can understand that, because anyone who's ever been shopping

with their partners knows what I mean.

That's actually not fair.

Shopping with the partners assumes it's an equal thing. It's not.

When women go shopping with men, it must be brilliant for you,

because we just go in and come out.

But when we go shopping with you, it's an absolute pain in the arse.

If she puts something on and says, "What do you think?", you go,

"Oh, to be honest, I don't really think it suits you."

"Oh, it doesn't suit me? Who WOULD it suit?"

"Would it suit Sally from work, would it?

"I bet Sally from work would look fabulous in this, wouldn't she?"

The best thing that you can do as a bloke is nod at everything,

and when she says, "Which one?", just say, "I thought the first one."

Don't say which colour, just say the first one.

It's always the first one.

The rest of them are just a trap.

That's why you have these countries where the men rule the roost,

rather than this country, where women rule the roost.

In countries where men rule the roost,

women are made to wear burkas.

Eh, no - this has got absolutely nothing to do with religion.

This is just, those men are in control

and they've worked out that the easiest thing to do

to have an easy life is make your wife wear a burka,

cos when you go shopping, you go, "That looks fabulous, come on."

But the hardest thing to do, and every man has done this

at some stage in a relationship, is buy underwear.

It's horrendous, because most of the time -

I think all the girls will agree - we get it completely wrong.

We get it wrong until you're married

and you're that used to the bleeding shape of it, it doesn't matter.

Most of the time, we get it wrong. I remember a first...

The first piece of underwear I bought for my wife, she was

my girlfriend at the time, and it was when camisole things were in.

You remember them? What a ridiculous thing they were.

For those people under 25 who don't know what camisoles were,

just imagine a silky vest that had buttons underneath.

How ridiculous was that? It was like a parachute of love. There you go.

Just ridiculous!

I thought, "It's Valentine's Day," I'd been going out with her

for about six months, I must have been about 19,

I'd never bought underwear before.

Now, it's different. I get used to it.

Last time I was buying a bra, it was very awkward.

I walked into the shop and I said,

"I'm buying my wife a bra," and she said, "What size is she?"

I said, "To be honest, I don't know."

She said, "Is she about my size?" I just said, "If only, love."

But then, I didn't know, so I walked into the shop and thought,

"I'm going to get a camisole thing, they look lovely."

It was a lovely, silky thing...

It was, it was all pink and flowery.

I thought, "I'm going to get that." I didn't know what size to get.

You're 19, you're awkward anyway.

Also, I was still a teenager, so just being in the underwear section

meant I had a massive hard-on.

Knickers!

So I just saw this thing, I thought, "That looks about right."

I got it, I took it over, it was either small, medium or large.

I thought, "I'd better not get small, it'll make her feel fat.

"I better not get small. The best thing I could do is get large."

I remember giving it to her on Valentine's Day, she said,

"Oh, that's..."

She obviously could tell immediately,

by the time it took her to unroll it about eight times...

She said, "That's...

"Yeah, that's lovely, that." I said, "Go on, put it on."

She said, "No." I said, "Go on, put it on."

She went into the bathroom, she came out, it was swinging like that.

It was like a hammock underneath!

I've never told anyone that story before!

The other thing that's changed as far as shopping goes

is online shopping.

-Give me a cheer if you've done online shopping.

-CHEER

Everyone does online shopping now. It's a normal way of doing things.

I was getting something for the kids the other day,

a box-set of Harry Potter.

It was at that point that I noticed, when you buy something on Amazon,

as soon as you click it, it says,

"People who bought this also bought this."

You think, "Oh, that's interesting."

So I was buying this box-set of Harry Potter and I thought,

"Oh, right, that's interesting."

So I bought Slutty Grandmas 3 as well.

So the next kid who goes on goes,

"Oh, that might be about witches, I'll have a look at that."

But most of the time, shopping really just means a trip to the supermarket.

I would say my favourite kick out of shopping is just getting out there

and meeting people.

It's hilarious, it's true what they say -

you do meet people in supermarkets.

And I met a current girlfriend shopping.

It was just after Valentine's Day,

they were selling boxer shorts cheap in one of the shops,

and I had two cheeky pairs of boxer shorts.

There was a girl by me, I said, "Would I look good in these?"

She said, "I might have to see you wearing them."

And do you know what? Phone number about five minutes later.

I'm sure she was impressed by my debonair charm, cheek,

repartee, charming charisma...

oh, and modesty, too.

The reality is he's talking there about buying underwear in a supermarket.

Don't ever do that. Every man who falls into that trap, that's a nightmare.

Never buy your underwear in a supermarket,

because the worst thing that most men do is give up

on their own fashion and allow their wife to buy their clothes.

Which means she'll never spend time on it,

she'll do it when it's convenient. She'll do it when it's easy.

She's going to do it when she's in Asda.

And that's lovely when you're in a loving relationship

to share the same brand, but if you ever split up and find yourself

with a new girlfriend, I can't tell you what it's like,

that look of disappointment when you take your kecks off,

and all of a sudden she can see "George" written on your underwear.

Even if your name is George, it's hard to impress her.

He was talking about underpants there, but I've got this story

which is a true story and it's also something that I need

to say for the women in this room who are about to go on holiday soon.

I was in Barcelona.

In another life, I used to have a job that, every now and again, I went away.

I turned up at a conference in Barcelona. This would have been five years ago.

I was going to be in Barcelona for four days.

I opened me suitcase - I hadn't packed any undies.

Like every man in this room, I thought,

"It's 100 degrees in the shade outside, it's four days...

"shall I give it a chance?"

Then I thought, "No, I'm going to treat meself,

"I'm going to get some undies."

So I went into this supermarket, this, like, posh shop.

It was like Corte Ingles - I don't know if anyone knows it.

It's like a Selfridges, or whatever, in Spain.

I walked in and I was, at that point in my life, a boxer shorts man.

Like a lot of lads, boxer shorts are good.

If you want undies, boxer shorts are good, you put them on.

They're shorts. There's no boxing going on, but you put them on, they're shorts.

There's a little peephole. It's all you actually require. It's wonderful.

I went in to buy some boxer shorts. Spanish men don't wear boxer shorts.

I was saying, "Have you got boxer shorts?"

This little fella was going, "Que?" I said, "Boxer shorts." "Que, que?"

I said, "Shorts, put 'em on, a little bit..."

He took me round the underwear section and he got me

these various thong things, and I was saying, "You can (MOUTHS) off."

Then he got me these pair of underpants, right.

He said, "This is for you."

I got these underpants and I looked at them.

They were padded.

Not the front.

The arse! They had arse pads in! They had arse pads in!

You put them on, and it lifts your arse up to give you a pert arse.

So all those girls on holiday who're looking at a Spanish waiter

thinking, "Hasn't he got a pert arse!"

No! He's got frigging pads in 'em!

I'll tell you what.

I felt like getting a pair as revenge for every man in this room

who's had that disappointment of the Wonderbra.

You've been winding us up for years.

We know what it's like when you think

"There's something there, there's something there,"

and you take it off and think, "Oh, there's nothing there."

That's disappointment.

Imagine how disappointing it would be if you're there...

"He's got a pert arse, he's got a pert arse, he's got a pert arse.

"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"

But shopping's changed in this country as well

and it's changed dramatically, because everyone now can get new clothes,

cos clothes are cheap, cos we've got TK Maxx and Primani...

and everyone can go in and get stuff,

provided that you want to look. Cos let's be honest, they're just jumble sales with a roof on.

You go... Everyone goes in, you go into TK Maxx, you go, "Look at them! A pair of Prada.

"Look at them. Should be 400 quid. They're only 25.

"Size 23."

And for a minute or two, you think, "No, I'll just put a couple of pairs of socks on. I'll have them."

Cos we get obsessed with it. And that's changed the way things work,

cos when we were kids, we had proper jumble sales, not like them. We didn't have these discount shops.

We had proper, proper jumble sales.

The kind of jumble sales that were filled with the clothes that Mozambique sent back.

I was a kid in the '80s. I was a teenager in the '80s, when labels were just coming in.

It was fashionable to wear something with a label. Lacoste...all the lads in here will remember Lacoste.

Lacoste was the thing that came in. In Liverpool, we had another label called Sergio Tacchini.

I don't know if anyone remembers Sergio Tacchini.

If there was ever a label that should never have been sold in Liverpool...

It was full of lads going, "Going to get any Sergio Tacchini?"

But Lacoste came in, and what made something ordinary,

which was like a polo shirt, become special

was a little crocodile, a little label, a little crocodile.

My mum thought, all you've got to do now is sew crocodiles onto anything.

She used to put crocodiles on everything. "That'll do. Crocodile on your undies. Look at that."

On your sock... I remember me mum just getting obsessed with sewing badges on things,

putting labels on something. She got a T-shirt, she put a label on it.

She said, "There you are, go out in that."

It was a dinosaur!

Said, "Mum, it's a dinosaur! I can't go out in a dinosaur..."

She said, "It's all right, it's all right." I said, "It's meant to be a crocodile!"

She said, "Well, it's a crocodile that's evolved. Get out!"

But apart from shopping,

the other hobby that taking over everyone's lives is DIY.

DIY is for men. Men are programmed to do DIY.

Do these hands look like they do DIY?

Men should be like, "I'm going to fix it."

Do not ask me to actually put the paint on the wall.

It doesn't happen.

He should just have it in his blood.

I can change a lightbulb. At a push.

A woman should be, "I'll do it." And he should be like, "No, darling, I'll do it for you!"

Let's just say, these hammers and all that don't go with my soft body.

I feel quite manly when I'm carrying my toolbox around,

but I don't actually know what I'm meant to do with them.

Do-it-yourself is not for me, but my wife loves it.

Women and DIY, I think things like tiling, wallpapering,

painting, yes, no problem at all.

I consider myself very good at DIY.

I think I'm rather good.

19...would be 65, I went on a car maintenance course at college.

My mother's hopeless at DIY.

You come back from a day out, and she's painted the entire hall pink.

At most I'll get a nail and a hairbrush

and bang it in the wall and hope for the best.

She managed to paint over things that were on the wall like flies,

maggots, anything that was hanging there.

I am thick when it comes to things like that

and then I do the whole, "Can you do it for me, please? Can't do it."

I think women expect men to be good at DIY generally.

I'm very masculine, I've done high- adrenaline sports, parachuting,

rock-climbing, ex-rugby player till I broke my arm, so I've been very...

There's scars on my body, but me and DIY do not mix.

Hey, we all know he's probably now just doing DIY to himself.

The thing with men and DIY is... we become too proud about it,

and most of us have no skills in it. I've got a mate who had this...wardrobe that he built.

Flat-pack. Never built it. He basically put it together.

He had this flat-pack thing and he put it together. He was proud of it. We all had to go round and see it.

It was wobbly, like that. He'd put it up. And he had a Polish builder come round to his house.

This Polish builder had come round to look at something else.

And I was in his house at the time. And he said, "I'm going to show him me wardrobe." I said, "Why?"

He said, "Cos I just want to see how much money I've saved by doing it myself."

He brought him in. It was... like that.

He said to this Polish builder, "So what would you have charged me for that?" He went...

"Nothing. It is shit."

I started a big tour recently. I started it in September.

It was one of those moments where I was going to be away for a while.

I was starting it on a Sunday night, so my wife said, "Look, look,

"you're away now for months on end.

"You've got Saturday free. Why don't we spend the day together?"

Which, to be fair, before I go any further,

any woman in this room who says spend the day together, you're lying.

You don't mean spend the day together.

What you mean is do what YOU want.

Spending the day together never involves going

to the pub for a few hours, going to the betting shop,

having a game of darts and a few drinks with the lads.

No, apparently doing that is "being selfish".

But walking round the shops going, "Yeah, it's lovely that, love, yeah, yeah, yeah."

That's spending the day together.

What happens by us is we live not too far away from here,

and some people will know the one that I'm on about,

somebody has opened a new Ikea.

That was her idea of spending the day together.

I want to let every woman in this room know and everyone at home know,

Ikea is NOT a day out!

Even if you give us a hot dog at the end, it is not a day out.

Cos if you're a couple and you go shopping at Ikea,

you're not going to enjoy it,

cos all you're doing is buying an argument in a box.

-That's it! I'm sick of you!

-Nag, nag!

That's all you do, cos women walk in and say, "See that?

"I like that. I want one of them in our house.

"So what I want you to do is go over there,

"get that box with all those bits in and make all those bits

"look like that with just the aid of an Allen key."

And it's never going to happen!

It's never going to happen, cos for a start,

we're never going to read the instructions.

The last day before I went on tour,

we got this bookcase that I had to build.

A bookcase called Billy. I don't know why it's called Billy.

They call it Billy to make it friendly -

you still feel like killing somebody at the end of it.

I spent all afternoon trying to put this bookcase together

and I'd put it all together and I'd done all the bits that you do,

and at the end, you have to put this wafer-thin

piece of wood on the back of it.

Wafer-thin! It's barely paper.

So I'm up there and I'm nailing this thing in, and she comes in watching.

Oh, it's a nightmare, isn't it? They stand there and say nothing.

It's like that Nick and Karren Brady off The Apprentice. They just go...

And I'm there and I'm fighting with this thing,

and she just says those words that every husband hates to hear.

I'd spent three bleeding hours putting this together,

and she just went,

"Why is it taking so long?"

Because I'm pissed off!

And then she said the killer blow, she said,

"Shall I get me dad round?"

LAUGHTER

I said, "Piss off, you!

"If you give me a bad blowjob,

"I don't say, get your mum round, do I?!"

So that was hobbies and tonight, Britain has taught me

that Ikea is not a day out,

shopping makes your piss fizz,

and if you give me an ovation, I'll cop off.

Goodbye, good night and God bless. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd