Animals John Bishop's Britain

This programme contains some strong language.

HORN BEEPS

Thank you! Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. And welcome to John Bishop's Britain. Tonight I'm going to be talking about animals.

Now, as we know, Britain, we are a nation of animal lovers.

We are the only country in the world where every year

a dog show is filmed and put on national television.

The things is, Crufts is a national institution.

It's also the only television programme

where you know when you're watching it

people on the television have got fleas.

Apart from, obviously, The Jeremy Kyle Show.

There's also that crazy incident recently where that man from Wales

tried to take a horse onto the train.

That just shows you how crazy we are.

He wanted to give the horse a lift. It's a horse!

If you want to go somewhere, get on the back,

ride the bleeding thing!

I've gone round the country asking hundreds of people their views on animals. These are they.

-Lovely looking, aren't they? They all need to be in a cage.

-LAUGHTER

Here's a taster of what's coming up.

I'm scared of most animals.

Cats are the devil.

Gypsies rolled him in mud and roasted him.

-Pissed on her wedding dress.

-Rubbed his penis on her bed.

-Crap on it.

-All over it.

-Horrible, scaly tail.

-It was probably that big!

-LAUGHTER

-Who knows what he was talking about?

They'll be chipping in and there will be the odd sketch to let you know what goes on in my head.

I think we're a very lucky country.

We've got nice animals. Australia is the place where God looked and thought, "You know what?

"It's a bit of a dump. I'll pick up all the dangerous animals

"and just drop them in Australia cos it's a shithole."

Then a couple of hundred years ago we got all our dangerous people and we sent THEM to Australia.

In reality, in Britain, the most dangerous animal we've got is swans.

When I was a kid, people used to always say, "You can't go near swans. They'll break your arm."

Has anyone here heard that phrase? "Swans will break your arm."

-Has anyone ever met anyone who's got a broken arm...

-LAUGHTER

and he said, "Oh, the swans mugged me, it was a nightmare"?

"Out of nowhere, pecking at me."

The thing is, we love our pets.

We love our pets to a level that no other country does.

And I know many people manipulate that situation.

If you ever want to split up with someone,

the best time to do it is when their pet has just died.

It really is. It's true!

Because you can get away with it.

You can walk in and say, "Listen, love, I've got to tell you.

"Things obviously haven't been right between me and you.

"I know the dog's just died, but it's about time I told you.

"I've been shagging your brother."

LAUGHTER

Yeah. I was doing it over there on that couch.

And he'd go, "You mean the couch where Rover used to lie?"

LAUGHTER

Yeah, yeah, and when he was banging me, he used to tie me up.

You mean like I used to do with Rover at the shops?

LAUGHTER

Didn't really work, that joke, did it?

I'm in a room full of people who don't tie anyone up, so...

So there's a point in comedy where you think,

"I've got a really witty observation,"

and then you realise it's not so much of an observation,

but more of a confession.

I can't tell you how awkward it is to be in a room with 500 people

when you've just mentioned tying up your partner

for sexual gratification.

And they're all looking at you going, "What's he on about?"

But the other reason that we have pets,

and one of the reasons we're supposed to use pets,

is to teach our kids responsibility.

I did exactly the same as many people. I got my kids a pet.

And it did teach them a lot.

It teaches them that if you don't feed it, if you don't walk it, your dickhead dad will do.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Cos the reality is we're British.

And British people all love animals.

I think the British people, as a rule,

are very good with animals. Wild ones or pets.

-Brits are animal lovers.

-On the continent, they shoot everything.

However, we do have a fine tradition of blood sports which belies that to an extent.

Britain has a good attitude to wildlife.

I was driving on the motorway and I saw, on the nearside lane,

a duck and a herd of ducklings.

They'll swerve to avoid running over a hedgehog.

I thought, "That's very sweet!" And I gave them a wide berth.

In my mirror, I saw a 4x4 plough straight through the middle.

-To rescue animals, I've done all sorts.

-Brits can be pretty daft. They risk their own safety.

People jump into seas to save dogs at the risk of their life.

I once swam the River Swale in the winter over here to rescue a falcon on the other side.

They take down buildings to rescue cats.

Deep down, the British are just lonely people, aren't they?

-We all need more love.

-If people have a puppy or kitten, I've got to kiss it, cuddle it, hold it.

I guess animals just help us with our insecurities in a way.

If someone has a baby, I back off, put my hands behind my back and there's horror on my face.

But I haven't seen that.

No matter what anyone says about this show, when did you last see a woman tickling her ferret on TV?

LAUGHTER

What about that man who dived into the lake

to go save a falcon on the other side? Imagine the bird just watching him swimming over,

taking his clothes off, swimming over that freezing cold lake, and the bird goes, "Bye-bye!"

We do have a mad love for animals. We'll risk our life to save one.

But other animals we'll just get rid of.

Goldfish. I warn every kid at home, if you've got a goldfish that's more than three weeks old,

-it's not original.

-LAUGHTER

It's been replaced.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Your mum and dad love you, but they flushed it and got another one.

It's not as easy to do that with a cat. "Mum? Mum? Why is Ginger now black?"

LAUGHTER

And the other thing is that we've got these rescue centres.

We got a dog from a dogs' home, so when people say, "Where did you get the dog?"

we say, "We rescued it." We didn't! We drove to Warrington, gave someone 50 quid and brought it home.

But I walk around like I pulled it out of the mouth of a shark.

"I'm a hero. This dog would be nothing without me."

We have become obsessed with animals as a generation.

My generation, people in their 40s, we were introduced to the world of the animal kingdom

through David Attenborough. Wasn't it?

You used to sit there and think, "David Attenborough's on,"

and then he'd take you to a weird world where there'd be animals, and there'd be gorillas,

and David Attenborough'd be there playing with the gorillas

and you'd think, "This is wonderful. This is brilliant.

"This is wildlife telly like I really want it."

Now, all of those gorillas have been on telly.

They've all got agents now.

None of them will turn up unless they're paid properly.

It's all changed. So now, what we've had to do,

we've had to have British wildlife television programmes,

which is the crappest TV going.

LAUGHTER

We have things like Springwatch,

where they're sat there and they'll have a camera on for 24 hours a day

and go, "Oh! Oh! Oh! There's a ferret by the canal.

"There's a ferret by the canal.

"Oh, it's gone. It's gone. It's gone." It's just ridiculous.

They're trying to make us excited about our own wildlife.

There's nothing to be excited about!

What are they going to bring out next? Attack Of The Goldfish? Eh?

Walking With Budgies? It's never going to be exciting, is it?

And the problem is if you watch a wildlife programme with your partner,

you end up getting compared to it.

-I've been married for 18 years, on and off, and always...

-LAUGHTER

..what happens is you sit there watching a wildlife documentary

and all of a sudden she thinks that reflects our relationship.

There was a documentary 6 months ago about these Emperor penguins

that go down to the South Pole and they're there in the Antarctic in sub-zero temperatures.

And the female penguin will lay an egg...

and then piss off. The male penguin has to stand on the egg for three months! Three months!

On the egg, standing there in minus 50 degrees

while the female penguin is out with her mates, clubbing,

or whatever female penguins get up to, then comes back three months later when he's nearly dead

and then he has to go get something to eat. We're sat watching it.

She's looking at me going, "Three months. You wouldn't do that for me, would you?"

"I babysat last week!" "You wouldn't do that for me!"

"What do you want me to do?! I'm not a penguin! You had the egg - now sit on it!"

"Eh? Eh? That's proper love, that penguin."

There's another one about a sea horse. It's the only animal where the male gives birth.

This sea horse is giving birth.

"What are you doing that for?"

"That's an animal that loves his partner. He's giving birth. I had to give birth for you!"

So I'm sat there. And then there's a programme about mosquitoes.

Do you know this? The female mosquito, from the moment it hatches out of the egg,

spends all of its life sucking. I just looked at her and went...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There was a point in my life when I realised some people's affection for animals has gone too far.

I was in Guernsey, working in a hamburger shop, and two Portuguese fellas used to work for me.

One day, one didn't come in. I said, "Where's Rodrigo?"

He said, "I can't really say." I said, "Come on, what's going on?"

He had a bit of a Scouse accent.

He'd worked for a bit in Birkenhead. There's a big Portuguese population in Birkenhead.

I said, "Where's Rodrigo?" He said, "I don't know, lad..."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I said, "Where's Rodrigo?" He said, "I don't know, lad."

He said, "OK, I'll be honest. He's been arrested." I said, "What for?"

He said, "I don't know! None of his brothers will tell me."

It came out in the paper. This lad I'd worked with, who seemed like a very normal bloke,

had been arrested...in Guernsey,

for having sex with a cow.

LAUGHTER

And the crazy thing about this is it wasn't the first time he'd been caught!

But it was always with the same cow.

Somehow there's something tragic and beautiful within that.

I don't know how that works, how you go past a field of cows and go...

LAUGHTER

She's the one.

Hang on, love. I'm going to get my step ladder. Back in a minute.

As well as animals that we love, there's always animals that we hate.

I hate wasps.

I can't stand wasps.

I'm scared of most animals.

My partner's father says they're all called Nigel. I go, "Nigel! Nigel!"

Ferrets. Why have one? It's weird.

-I'm scared of moths, massive ones.

-I have a hatred of lions.

Yesterday night, this beast of a moth came. It was about that big.

I try to avoid contact with lions.

I think it was the king of moths.

Any other animals I don't mind.

-I used to be frightened of cows.

-Rabbits and flapping birds.

Or geese when they come at you.

Dogs. I would say I'm scared of them. I think most black folk are.

LAUGHTER

-I really don't like rats.

-Rats!

Once I was on holiday in the Middle East...

You get the occasional farm rat. It's like a small dog.

I woke up in the night to some scuttling noises.

They've a big, horrible, scaly tail.

-It was rats on the bed with me.

-Ugh!

Just the thought makes me go cold.

-Spiders.

-I absolutely hate spiders.

-Anything over half an inch, I call the wife.

-Oh, God!

Even the smallest one. I walk around them.

The way they move, stare at you...

-They've got too many legs.

-They do stare.

If I see one on the carpet, I won't sit on the floor until it's gone.

If you don't like a spider and there's no one to save you, get a hair dryer and blow it away.

That works. Blow it out the door.

That's what I do. Don't put it on too hot cos they tend to burn!

I love the idea of that. Why not just get a blowtorch? "Get out of here!"

The good thing about Britain in relation to animals that we hate is we have seasons. Things change.

There's nothing better, I'm sure you will agree, when it gets to September or October

and you see a wasp struggling on the floor. You look at it.

Is that hard, eh? Eh? Is that hard?

That's for ruining my picnic, you little twat!

And animals as well that seem to create the most fear are geese because they go in packs.

It's scary as hell. You don't get one goose coming at you.

You get a gang of geese. And they come at you in a pack like that.

What's most frightening about them, if anyone's ever seen geese move

and looked at the way scallies move, it's exactly the same.

LAUGHTER

All they need is a trackie! Put a trackie on a goose,

and it's, "All right, la!"

The other animal I got chased by - and this is only very recently,

I was taking the dog for a walk - is cows.

I got chased by a pack of cows.

And, I know, I don't mean, like, birds from Wigan,

I mean a pack of cows.

I was in a...honest to God, this is honest-to-God true, this...

I was in a field with our dog, walking the dog,

and there was one cow had a look, and then another cow had a look,

and they obviously had some kind of cow language,

and I don't know if it was me or the dog

that they were interested in.

But they started lolloping towards me,

and then they starting trotting a little bit,

and then they started running. And I'm stood there in this field,

and I've got these cows coming to me, and I thought,

"I'll just be a farmer. I'll just go, "Get off my land!""

-LAUGHTER

-"Go away!"

"Bad cow!"

But it's very hard to look a cow in the face, you know what I mean?

Particularly, as I've already noticed,

some of them have those eyes and they're quite sexy,

LAUGHTER

So I'm stood there with these cows coming at me, going, "Raaahhh!"

So I tried to stand up, and then I had this horrible thought

that I could trip over here. I'm trying to get away from the cow.

Can you imagine? I'm trying to get away from the cow with the dog.

We got away in time. We just managed to get out the field,

but as I was running out the field, I thought,

"This is going to be a disaster, cos if I fall over and get killed by a herd of cows,

"I'm going to get buried and all my mates are going to turn up,

"first of all thinking that it's a hoax."

LAUGHTER

They'll all probably turn up in cow outfits going, "All right there?"

"Look what he's done to get us all together for a piss-up.

"He's pretending he got killed by cows!

"Come on, eh. Let's all dress as cows!"

Me missus'd be crying, my mates'd be going, "Moooo!"

LAUGHTER

The other thing, though, with Britain,

is that we were the first nation to fight against vivisection.

We were the first nation to fight against testing drugs on animals,

because there has been some bad times in the past when we've done that,

and it's also proved that some of the research that went on

with animals was absolutely pointless.

They actually tested - and this has been proved clinically -

they actually tested Viagra on rabbits.

LAUGHTER

If there's an animal that doesn't need Viagra, it's a rabbit.

You know what I mean?

If you want to test Viagra, give it to a few pandas.

See how they get on.

LAUGHTER

There are animals that we don't like, but there's a difference with pets. Pets are different.

And everyone remembers their first ever pet.

My first pet as a little girl was a hedgehog and his name was Moses.

My first pet was called Buttons. It was a hamster.

I would sit him on my lap and roll him over

and crack the fleas off his belly between my fingernails.

I didn't get my first pet till I was 25. It was a goldfish.

One day, he disappeared, and my dad said that the gypsies had taken him,

rolled him in mud and roasted him.

-Our first pet was a hamster.

-BOTH: Called Bob.

It started with three black gerbils. I had Mandela, Biko and Gandhi.

-She was a girl.

-Yeah, but we didn't know that when she was named.

Yeah, gender-confused hamster.

Gandhi became Mrs Gandhi when Mrs Gandhi had lots of babies.

She bit off her own foot and bled to death.

It's kind of a tragic tale.

I spent three months in the Seychelle Islands,

and I rode around on a giant tortoise.

There was a tortoise. I was four or five.

Apparently I buried it in the garden.

My tortoise provided me as good a service

as any horse would have done.

And my mum came out and went, "Where's the tortoise?"

"It's in the ground."

My first pet, when I was three years old, was a cat called Sooty,

who is actually still alive to this day.

I was taken to a farmyard and asked to pick out a kitten.

She's got no tail, she's 20 years old, she got shot.

Sadly, he was run over about five weeks after I had him.

And she got attacked by a fox. And she's still alive. She's 20.

That was the first in a long line of cats I had that were squashed flat.

As a kid, losing a pet for me was like a little birthday present.

It's true! Every pet cat that I had when I was a little boy

was run over within a few months.

Don't get upset. Get a new one.

We lived near a road.

Swap your white one for a brown one. Mix it up. Get a Friesian cow.

Don't know why I said about a Friesian cow,

but you know what I mean.

APPLAUSE

One of the things that is true is that we had pets.

We had proper pets.

Our generation had pets that were real, not like kids now.

They have virtual pets.

Pets that aren't even there.

One of my lads has got into this Farmville. Have you seen Farmville?

Where you work on a farm, virtually. It's just ridiculous. It's took over his life!

He came downstairs the other morning at five o'clock. "You're up early."

"I've got to, Dad. These European quotas are killing me."

LAUGHTER

Schools have tried to teach kids responsibility with school pets.

Everyone here must have had school pets. Did everyone have school pets?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

-Were they any good?

-No.

-They're shite.

They're stupid pets. A hamster, a hamster!

A hamster is the most pointless pet in the world.

You might as well just paint a face on a potato.

That's what I had to look after, a hamster.

Stick insects. My kids had stick insects. The school pet was a stick insect.

You know what a stick insect is? It's an insect that pretends it's a stick!

Just get a friggin' stick!

LAUGHTER

The biggest debate in this country is our love of two main animals.

-What are those animals?

-Dogs and cats.

-Dogs and cats.

Our biggest love in this country is two animals - the dogs and the cats.

And everyone's got an opinion on which is better.

-Well, I prefer dogs to cats any day.

-I'm definitely a dog man.

Cats? Rubbish!

Cats any time. I've always adored cats.

He doesn't like cats probably because they stare at you in a funny way.

I married a socialist. She loves cats. I love dogs.

I hate cats.

My cats were always my best friends. I could do anything with a cat. I dressed cats up when I was a girl.

I got two Persian cats as wedding presents, one of which, thank God, got run over the day of the Derby.

Best thing about dogs is they're always happy.

I really dislike dogs. They snivel around you and they're always expecting something.

-The dog, it comes over and it's friendly to you.

-It pees on your carpet, chews your slippers.

Those annoying dog owners, "He means well," when it jumps all over you. You're like, "I don't want this."

Dogs are your friend. They're loyal, they love you, they look after you.

Then your friends come round with their dogs. "I didn't invite your dog round. I invited YOU round."

I don't like cats because you can't say you own them.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Cats are the devil.

You come home late... "Where have you been? You were meant to feed me. What are you doing?"

Why would you want to have, feed, pay for and look after something that scratches you?

"I've got a present for you. Here's a dead sparrow. How do you like them apples?"

It coughs up fur balls.

It vomits balls of fur.

You never hear of crazy people collecting dogs.

I love cats cos they purr.

"Dead body found, face eaten off by their 30 cats."

You don't hear that about dogs. It's only nutters that collect cats.

APPLAUSE

Dogs are brilliant. I know there's a debate between dogs and cats.

But if a cat ever swallows a wasp, it'll just cry.

If a dog swallows a wasp, it'll give you entertainment for the next 15 minutes.

LAUGHTER

As far as I'm concerned, dogs offer you something else.

In reality, every dog owner in here knows that dogs are basically a reservoir of love.

They are. Every house needs a dog, every family needs a dog,

particularly if you're the husband, if you're the dad.

You can walk into your kitchen and look at your dog and say, "They all think I'm a knobhead."

And the dog will go, "It's OK, I love you, I love you."

LAUGHTER

After 18 years of marriage, you need that.

They will respond to your moods as well. If you come in happy, the dog goes, "You're happy, you're happy!

"We're all happy! I'm happy! You're happy!"

If you come in sad, the dog will go, "Oh, we're sad, we're sad.

"We're sad, we're sad. You're sad, I'm sad, I'm sad.

"If you're sad, I'll be sad with you, I'll be sad."

The best thing to do is to come into the house and be morally ambivalent.

Just come in and the dog's going...

"Tickle me belly!"

For us, though, we had a dog, a beautiful dog, a dog that we got from a dogs' home.

This is not the dog that we've got now. This is our previous dog, a German shepherd dog.

We went to the dogs' home to get it. I don't know if anyone's got a dog from a dogs' home. It's very tough.

You see all the dogs looking at you and you know they all want to be picked by you.

It's like The X Factor for dogs.

In fact, some of them have got a lot more talent than them knobheads.

But you walk along and they're all there waiting to be picked.

We got this dog, a German shepherd dog, an old dog.

We took him home. He was a lovely dog, a great dog.

We called him Chewy. The kids called him Chewy cos he's a dog.

You could have called him anything. He would respond to anything.

Chewy's a lovely name. Cos he chewed things, we called him Chewy.

He licked his bollocks. I thought Licky Bollocky wasn't a good name.

Those people with German shepherds will know that sometimes they suffer this problem

where their legs begin to go.

My wife said, "You'll have to take Chewy for a walk to see what's going on with his legs."

I took him out for a walk and he would run, then he'd fall over,

which, to begin with, was funny, to be fair.

We took him to the vet. I said to the vet, "He keeps falling over."

The vet said, "I'm sorry. He's got a degenerative disease that German shepherds get.

"It's not going to get any better, so..."

It was a tough thing. I took him home and we sat the kids down.

I looked at the three lads and said, "I've taken Chewy to the vet.

"His legs haven't been very good,

-"so we've got to kill him."

-WHIMPERS

It's amazing how soft kids are. They started crying. I said, "What are you crying for?

"You don't have to kill him. I've got to pay for it. It costs a bleeding bomb!"

It was one of those moments that every father will recognise when your children invest hope in you

cos my youngest lad said, "Dad, do we have to kill him?

"He's a lovely dog and I really, really love him and I don't want him to go."

And I just looked at my son and he had all this hope in his eyes

and courage to ask to give Chewy another chance.

I said, "No, son, he's knackered. We've got to kill him.

"He's fucked, to be honest with you."

Then he said that thing that only a kid of this generation would say.

He said, "Dad, is there not an answer on the internet?"

I looked for dogs.

I've got to be honest. I got sidetracked for a while.

I was looking for an answer, so I put in "dogs with bad legs"

or "help for dogs with bad legs",

then I just thought "wheels".

I put "wheels for dogs" and I found the website called Wheels For Dogs.

It's a website that makes wheels for dogs.

So we ordered these wheels for him and they arrived and they're amazing, amazing things.

If anyone is in that situation, investigate it cos it did extend his life,

but it came to the point in his life where he had to go, we had to make that decision.

And we got an urn and on the urn it's got "your special friend".

So I brought the urn home and I said to her, "Chewy's here."

And she said, "That's lovely."

She said, "It's time to tell 'em."

We're all sat there having our tea.

I got it out and put it on the table.

I said, "Chewy's in here." We expected them to be upset as children.

We forgot that they were boys.

The first thing they wanted to do was get the dust out and have a look.

I don't know if they were going to snort Chewy or what, but they wanted him on the table.

I said, "No, this is our special friend. We're going to bury him in the garden."

And it was a lovely moment where they all went, "All right, that's sad, Dad."

Then my youngest lad said, "We can't just bury it like that." I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Can't we make some special wheels for it?"

LAUGHTER

So we made some special wheels.

If anyone ever digs that up, they're going to think that we've buried a midget chariot rider.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The other thing that's taken over this country is status dogs.

On the estates, you've got all these kids with status dogs,

walking around going, "That's mine. A big dog. Look at that, look at that!

"I've got a big dog. Look at that. I've got a dog."

That's not status. If you want to have some status, get an eagle.

Wouldn't that be cool, walking round in your trackie like that, going, "I've got an eagle. Look at that."

And there's also this thing about which dogs are dangerous because they keep changing the category.

The best way of finding if you've got a dangerous dog is take it out, throw a stick.

If it comes back with a skull, it's a dangerous dog.

What they have tried to do is cross-breed them.

Part of the reason all these dogs have gone dangerous is overbreeding.

You've ended up with a character trait that's gone mad, so the best thing to do is to cross-breed them.

That's a good idea, but it would be even better if you did it between other animals.

Wouldn't that be fantastic if you crossed a dog with a monkey?

Something that would be able to pick up its own shit.

And we also do this stupid thing as well where we grant dogs emotions

or animals emotions that we don't know they're having.

Our dog was asleep the other day. Have you ever watched a dog sleeping?

It lies there going, "Woof! Woof, woof! Woof, woof!"

I said to my missus, "Look at the dog!" She said, "Yeah, it's chasing rabbits."

It's never seen a rabbit!

How do you know it's not getting chased by a dragon in its dreams

with Harry Potter on its back? You've no frigging idea!

But the worst thing about pets is every now and again they let you down by being naughty pets.

My English bull terrier would break

into my friend's bedroom and rub his penis all over her bed.

I had an American bald eagle I was flying at a show once

that picked up a woman's dog

and dropped it from about 30 foot up stone dead into the main arena.

So that wasn't a good day neither.

I've got two Jack Russells and they are a nightmare.

We had a Jack Russell called Charlie.

Monty is a little dog called a Jack Russell.

Who was incredibly clever, but very vindictive.

Monty is the most disagreeable dog that's got no table manners. It's completely disobedient.

He'd cock his leg on the other dogs' bowls out of sheer spite.

Unsurpassably ugly, unsurpassably naughty and something I'd happily shoot.

They know when you've got something new -

a new carpet or a new sofa.

It isn't christened until one of the cats has been sick on it.

I had a friend who had a sly cat called Horace,

and if he threw him out, especially if it was a wet night,

Horace would sneak back in in the night and crap on his bed.

Before you can say "boo"... all over it.

I can't clean up after animals.

I purchased this dog for £91. Six-month-old border collie.

I can't stand the smell of, er...

My house was trashed.

There was wee everywhere, there was poo everywhere. It stunk.

And it was just there... MIMICS PANTING

I can't do it. I'm squeamish. Eurgh.

So I took it back to the dog home and I got a refund.

SHE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Imagine if Madonna did that with her kids.

"I've had them for a bit, and I don't like them."

With cats as well, everyone talks about cats bringing you presents.

They bring you these birds and they say, "There's half a squirrel, there's half a bird"

or "there's half of something that I found" and they spit it out.

There's this half-eaten thing on the floor. And you go, "What do I want to do with that?"

It's supposed to be because they're giving YOU a present.

They're not, cos it's not something you want, it's not something you asked for.

They've gone out, picked it up and said, "You can have it."

The best way to deal with that is to give a cat something THEY don't want. Give them a set of cuff links.

"Thanks for the bird. Put them on."

And another thing that's changed recently,

and I don't know if this is cos of the whole celebrity thing

that's gone on, is animals' names.

Now, when I was a kid, a dog would be called Rover or Blackie or Spot.

Now, they've gone mental,

cos they call their dogs normal people's names.

You say, "What's your dog called?" They go, "Frank".

LAUGHTER

What's that dog called? Alison. Oh, that's nice.

And are these your kids? Yeah, yeah.

That's Chlamydia...

LAUGHTER

The way we've named our pets isn't the only thing that's changed.

There's a whole industry now for showing how much you love your pets,

and no matter how far you take it,

there's always somebody who pampers their pet

just a little bit more than you.

My shih-tzus are a really big part of my life.

I would actually do anything for my animals.

They have their own bedroom, their own grooming room with an en suite.

If they could speak and say, "Hey, Dad, I want a massage today"

or something, I'd probably give it to them.

Pampered pets, I think, is an abomination.

I had the displeasure of buying my middle daughter a dog called Monty.

With Midgey, I'm his god, sort of thing.

He relies on me for everything.

Within seconds, I came from the top of the food chain to the bottom.

This dog gets given Christmas presents.

He gets presents on a weekly basis.

And I buy him these little collars, and they treat him like humans.

It has a Santa Claus outfit.

Midgey is styling his own little Santa outfit today for you guys.

It's the most ghastly thing I've come across.

And in reality, it's a little two-pound poo machine.

That's not a dog, is it? That's a rat with a ribbon in its hair.

We've got matching coats for our dogs at home.

I don't believe in all these people that dress animals up.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah, they look very smart.

Dogs aren't made for handbags, really.

You see old Paris Hilton strutting around with this dog in her bag.

Well, how does she know it hasn't shat in there?

It's dirty, if you ask me, putting a dog in your bag.

You're like... "Nahhh."

You're calling a chihuahua Kiki, kissing it, wiping its bum,

and putting it in a dress. The dress could buy me a car, mate.

Do you know what I mean?

They take a bit of looking after. And they need a lot of love.

APPLAUSE

Another thing that's happened as well is you get people whose pets have got their own Facebook page.

Their own Facebook page for their pets!

Who on earth has a Facebook page for their pet? How stupid is that?

And if you look at them, they'll say things like,

"Mummy's taking me for a walk now."

And then you get other people replying to it.

"I've just been back from my walk with my mummy."

LAUGHTER

And the other thing that's a massive industry,

and I've got to be honest with you, I've fell into it myself,

cos we've now got an English bull terrier.

I've bought him a coat.

Yeah. I have. I've bought him a coat, and I walk around with the dog

in the coat. It's lovely. He's got a coat.

No, it's nice. I like the coat. The dog looks good. It's a coat.

Take the coat and the dog. Are we going for a walk?

Me and the dog.

LAUGHTER

And I've got to be honest with you,

we bought the dog a coat when it was snowing last winter

because you'd take him out and it was freezing.

And he'd look, going, "I'm on me own."

I'd go, "I know, but unless you learn how to use the bog,

"you've got to go out, haven't you?"

LAUGHTER

It's not my fault, is it?

So we got him, me and my missus, we got him a coat.

LAUGHS

So I got him a parka.

LAUGHTER

I've got a mod dog.

And I've got to tell you.

I've had a lot of embarrassing things happen to me.

I've had a lot of moments

where I've had to look at me mates and say, "Ooh, I know."

There's a lot of times in my life where I've wondered

whether I'm making the right decision,

and I've looked at my mates for it,

but I can't tell you how awkward it is to be walking round a corner

with your dog on a lead, and the dog's got a parka on,

when your mates are coming out the pub.

LAUGHTER

But there's some people who take their love for animals

to the absolute extreme.

Midgey, the chihuahua. Midgey's got a wardrobe of his own. Ain't ya?

He's got army camouflage outfits.

He's got tracksuits.

He's got a West Ham shirt.

Puffer coats.

A cowboy hat. Very sad.

And he's got diamante collars.

He's pretty much spoilt.

He's a really easy-going dog. He's just like my baby.

WHIMPERS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

People look at that and think, "That's mad. That's crazy."

But I tell you what, it just shows how far we've gone.

Now, we're all responsible dog owners.

We all take our dogs for a walk and we all do that same thing

when we take the dog for a walk. We all poop and scoop.

Everyone in this nation now poop and scoops

cos it's the right thing to do.

And we all agree it's the right thing to do.

When I first took my dog for a walk,

and we got the new dog, me missus said, "You've got to take the dog for a walk."

So I took him for a walk.

And as I'm walking out the house, she said, "Take these bags."

I said, "What for? I'm not carrying him."

She said, "No, when he does his business, you've got to pick it up."

LAUGHTER

When he first went into the bushes, I thought, "He's obviously done it."

He come out looking at me almost winking, as if to say,

"There you go, lad, it's in there."

I went into the bush, and this is a horrible situation.

I'm sure other dog owners have faced it.

I walked in.

There was two.

LAUGHTER

You then face that moral dilemma.

Do you pick up one or do you pick up both?

LAUGHTER

Looking round this room, I can see...

A lot of people would test the temperature.

LAUGHTER

And pick up only their dog's. Cos you would.

Nobody wants to pick up the shit of a dog

you're not emotionally involved with.

That's just weird.

The best thing that you can do for the environment,

if we're being honest, is bury it.

Not the dog, the shit.

It is. That's the best thing that you can do. I've got to be honest,

that's not an easy thing to do.

Nobody looks kindly on a man

walking into the woods on his own with a spade.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, that's animals.

Tonight, Britain has taught me that falconers are scared of lions,

you should never trust a gypsy with a hedgehog

and even chihuahuas can get in the West Ham team.

Thank you, good night and God bless!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd