Episode 6 Jonah from Tonga

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

'My new school, Holy Cross Catholic School, is mean as.

Scram the fucker!

Must be the Rangas' heads making them hot!

'At school, I got into a little bit of trouble.'

You're too fucking slow, mate. Fuck off, Sir! Have a look at him.

He's clearly a fuckwit. I'm clearly a fuckwit.

'Then I did something stupid and we all ended up in juvie.'

Moses! No!

'Moses left and I had to stay for six weeks on my own.'

You're a fat bitch.

I will be a bitch if you speak to me like that.

# I want to feel a young girl

# I want to touch your boobies... #

'But juvie is gun as.' ALL: Juvie-liscious!

Hey, Miss, guess what I'm touching right now.

'There's a few homos in here.'

Why don't you go and commit suicide in your cell?

Because your mum wants to lick my balls.

She told me when she came to visit.

But the guards are nice and I love it here.

LAUGHTER

Why did the boy eat the tampon? Why?

Because he thought it was a lolly.

Don't! Oh, fuck.

'I missed my parole hearing because I got violent.

'And now I might not get out for a long time.'

'I want to get out for lots of reasons.

'Cos I have missed school,

'I missed Mr Joseph and I missed my boys.'

I'm going to go inside and you guys wait here.

'And Moses needs me to look after him'

in case he gets bashed and I've got

Feel The Beat area heats coming up,

so I need to get out to perform for that.

Moses, be careful! They've got electric fences, you spastic.

You are going to get yourself killed. Fuck off!

'Cos if we win the area heats and we go to the nationals

'and we win that, then I get to go to Los Angeles

'and that's where I can get Moses the record deal.'

And if I'm good and responsible and stay out of trouble

when I get out, my dad said he's going to take me to Tonga

to get my tattoo finished,

which means I'm a real man.

That would be good, hey, Kevin?

Yeah. Actually, I wasn't listening. It got boring.

No, no, no! Hey! Not the nuts! Fucking little shit.

Boys! The door is open, I think it's Jonah! Is it?

Oh, no, it's not him.

If Jonah stays in, I reckon I should be the new leader of the crew.

Fuck that! You're not going to be the leader.

I'm going to be the leader. Bullshit!

Bullshit! Your dick is going to be the leader. You can't even dance.

You can't be the leader if you can't dance, that's the rule. Fuck.

HE MUTTERS Boys!

The door! Someone's coming! He's here, he's here. Wait for me.

Moses!

I love you!

Hey, boys!

THEY SHOUT

Let's get the fuck out of here, boys.

Yeah, I fucking missed you, mate. Yeah! Let's go, boys!

See you, Miss! Best guard ever! Yeah! Love you, Miss!

Good luck to you, Jonah, and good luck in the competition.

Is this the Fobba-liscious? Yeah, these are my boys, Miss.

Love you, Miss! See you, Jonah.

Thanks for everything!

Right, boys? We've got Feel The Beat to win. Let's get out of here.

THEY CHEER

Sir, when are we going to start? Here's the running order.

'Sup, sir? 'Sup, sir?

Listen, Jonah, I've been chatting with your dad.

Did you tell him if we win this competition

it means you'll be going to university?

Yeah. So, you lied to him? Yeah, but he's dumb as, he wouldn't know.

And he really wants me to go to uni. Yeah, but it's not true.

Yeah, well, it doesn't matter.

I just want him to be proud if we win, Sir.

Look, we'll talk about it later.

Sir, Sir, if we win this, how many more heats before we get to LA?

Look, like I said before, boys, we have to win this heat first.

There's a lot more rounds before the national finals.

Just think about here and now. Let's just win this one, boys!

Exactly. Let's do it, boys!

Ladies and gentlemen, can we please get everybody to their seats?

The show is about to begin.

Right now, I would like to welcome you all to the annual Feel The Beat.

HALF-HEARTED APPLAUSE

All right, all right, Pink Pearls!

Please put your hands together one more time!

Nice job, girls.

Up next we have a group of Year 9 boys from Holy Cross High School.

They go by the name of Fobba-liscious.

They're about to hit the floor with their anti-bullying anthem,

Don't Be A Bully.

Don't be a bully.

Fobba-liscious, listen to us.

# I feel sad, I feel pain when you call me that name

# I'm a person, just like you

Don't be a bully!

# I feel sad, I feel pain when you call me that name

# I'm a person, just like you

Don't be a bully!

Hey, bullies, listen up!

What's it fucking about, thinking you're so tough?

Just cos a kid has got a different colour hair

Don't mean you can be a bully Yeah, yeah, yeah

You're going to get busted for calling kids names

The teacher is going to make you write down all your names

Don't be a bully. Moolly-moolly!

Fobba-liscious, listen to us!

# I feel sad, I feel pain when you call me that name

# I'm a person, just like you

Don't be a bully!

# I feel sad, I feel pain when you call me that name

# I'm a person, just like you... #

Don't be a bully!

CHEERING

And our first runner-up for this year's Feel The Beat, we have...

Grouchy!

That's it, boys.

OK.

And finally, the winner of this year's Feel The Beat

with a massive effort and a huge talent.

They are going all the way to the regional finals. We have...

The Pink Pearls!

CHEERING

Well done, ladies.

Well, that wraps us up for this year's Feel The Beat.

I want to hear some noise for all the contestants

here at Feel The Beat.

'It's a shame, you know.

'It's disappointing, but they gave it 100%

'and I'm really, really proud of them. They did really awesome.

'I just don't want them to lose confidence, that the only thing.

'You know, they have done a lot to come this far.' It's fucked!

It's hard to tell with these boys.

On the outside, they're really tough,

but, especially in times like this,

they're really quite fragile and Jonah especially.

It's fucked up, Sir!

Don't hug me, you look like a...

Sir, that sucked. We were way better than them.

Sir, you should tell the judges they fucked up.

Yeah, how am I going to get to Los Angeles now, Sir?

It was about being involved, guys, and I thought you guys

did incredibly well. What am I telling my dad?

Don't worry about it. He'll be all right.

Let's go before I smash those little girls.

It fucking sucks.

It'll be all right, don't worry about it.

Fuck off, paedo, and stop touching me.

'Although I wouldn't wish prison on any kid,

'I think that somehow it has done him some good.

'He's come out a lot more focused on what he wants to achieve

'and is somehow even more considerate of other people.'

We should have won.

Well, I made a deal with Jonah.

I said there would be no more counselling sessions

if he's on his best behaviour for a month

and he seemed pretty keen to make that happen,

so I think it's going to be good

to see how well he fits back in at school.

Jonah, don't do it, don't do it! Best behaviour!

Oi! You want me to drop you, cunt? Jonah! I'll take you on!

Jonah, Jonah! Think of the counselling.

..my brother. Fucking homo. Fucking pussy!

Don't worry about it. It's not worth it. You got to be...

Fuck up, Ranga. You're a bitch.

You'd better run!

Hey, Sister! Sister, I'm back! Hello, you. Eh, Sister!

Lovely to have you back. I've missed your little visits.

I've missed you too, Sister.

You look good. It must've been horrible where you were.

No, it was good. I just went up to Queensland.

Dad went up and he took us all up... What a liar! Bullshit!

Sister already knows you've been in juvie. Bullshit I went to juvie!

Why would you go for six weeks to Movie World?

Cos we had to drive up and we were camping

and we went to Sea World and Dreamworld too. What a liar.

Don't listen to him. He's lying.

You do like to tell a few furphies now and then, don't you, Jonah?

What's a furphy anyway, Miss? It sounds like a fart.

No, it's not one of those.

I bet you like to do a few furphies in here

when there's no-one around, Sister.

A furphy is little tale we tell sometimes

when we don't want to tell the truth.

That's you, bro. That's Jonah. Shut up!

Sister, can I tell you a joke? A clean one, yes.

What did the nun call her head?

The nunny nun head.

LAUGHTER

What did the nun do when she was in the office by herself?

A fart! LAUGHTER

See you, Sister. I liked the first one better. See you, Sister.

See you, Sister. Love you, Sister.

Bye, sister. Lovely to have you back.

What we've got here, boys, is a pulse,

a current going through there on and off, all right?

So that makes it flash.

KNOCK AT DOOR Jonah's back!

CHEERING

Righto, shut up! Get over here and watch my demo.

Why are you so fucking late? Don't swear, sir.

You should be happy to see me. Righto, I'm happy to see you, OK?

You are back, but I'm trying to impart some fucking knowledge

to these numbskulls. I love you, sir, I've missed you.

Get the fuck off me! Sir! Fucking faggot!

I've got anger issues! I will retaliate on you!

I'm still angry.

I'll have fucking anger issues in a moment

if you don't pay a-fucking-tention.

I'm paying attention! Now... Teach us something for once!

Now, by the way, shit-for-brains, that little pussy cat graffiti...

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Oh, yeah, very funny!

Had me walking all round the school looking for dicks

and here you are drawing pussy. Yeah.

Who told you, Sir?

Yeah, well, don't try and change your tag either

cos I'm too fucking clever for you, idiot.

My dick is too clever for you.

I'm not wiping it off, sir. You'll fucking do as you're told.

Give me a go of the electricity thing. No, stay away.

This is a dangerous current. Look, look!

Your dick is a dangerous current. Give me a go.

Argh! Fuck, sir!

No swearing. He actually electrocuted me!

What have I told you about swearing in class? Don't do it.

Bit fucking weird for my...

They pushed me, they pushed me! Did you... Did you just attack me?

No, fuck off! What about you?

You want some? Fuck off!

Don't electrify me! Anyone else? No, OK. Sir, put them on my nuts.

Put them on my nuts. Go, go, go, go!

Oh, fuck. Do it, Sir! Do it! Don't tempt me.

It's one of the finest pieces

I've seen come out Year 9 in a long time.

It is a brilliant sculpture and it's been chosen to represent

Holy Cross at the interschool art prize.

So, Melody, would you like to come out the front

and explain your work to the class for me?

'One of the shit things about being in juvie for so long'

is Melody, the hot girl that I like, she got a boyfriend.

This is a papier-mache body cast of my boyfriend

and my themes are based on masculinity,

the human form and my Tonga heritage. Miss!

Miss, she ripped me off. I did one of her, she copied it!

No calling out, Jonah, and you didn't even finish yours, it was a big mess.

She's a copyright ripper-offer!

All right, guys, so you've all worked really... Steal my ideas, bitch!

Who is your boyfriend anyway? I'm not telling.

You have to tell me, I'm your cousin.

I'm not going to, so suck dick.

You can tell he's got a small dick from the bulge on your sculpture.

Miss told me to make it small so I didn't offend people.

It's actually massive in real life. Oh, that's disgusting!

How'd you even know? Did he show you?

Yeah, Jonah, it's called having a boyfriend.

Why don't you go and marry him, then?

That's a cool insult because maybe I will one day.

He is way hotter than you.

Your face is hotter than me. Erm, I know.

Shut up!

You sound like an idiot!

'But one of the best things about coming out of juvie

'is that everyone thinks you are a gangster.

'Like, even The Rangas, they think I'm a school legend now

'because I've been in juvie.'

I was on kitchen duty and I wanted to...

I wanted to get a knife, but the knife drawer, they keep it locked,

so I carved a knife out of a carrot. A carrot?!

Yeah, a carrot and it was a frozen carrot so it had

a really sharp point and then, when the guard walked past,

I pushed him up against the wall, this Abo guard,

and I cut - you know that bit of your year, the flippy bit -

I cut that bit off and it started bleeding

and he bled so much that he almost died,

but he survived, they stitched it back on.

That's legendary. I was the biggest legend in the prison.

'Even though I'm getting along with The Rangas,

'I still hate Graydon.'

Jonah! What the...?

Graydon wants you teaching him break-dancing. Fuck off. As if!

And I hate Graydon even more now

cos he's going out with my fat sister.

Show me some of the moves you learned in jail.

I didn't learn anything.

What are you going out with my fat sister for? You are sick.

Don't call her fat. I like her. I really like her, dude.

Just teach him moves, Jonah. We could be brothers, man.

I'm not going to have a Ranga brother, so that's not happening.

I'm pretty keen to have a juvie gangster as a brother,

so teach me some shit, man, come on.

Jonah, he's family now. Just one move, man, come on.

Teach your dick a move! I'm not showing you shit!

How do you do this move, right? I saw it the other day.

With the knees and you spin around. You can't do it. Teach me how.

Fucking spastic. How do you get...? You've got to lead into it.

You've got to do that

and then you go down

and then you go around

and then boom.

So, how do I go down? Like...?

No, you can't do it. Don't touch me, Ranga!

Bye, Miss. OK, bye-bye, girls - see you later.

Long fucking day, boys...

'Some things have changed,

'and some things are not as good as they were.'

Bye, Miss. See you, Miss. Bye-bye, boys. See you later.

What the fuck? What?

Melody - she's getting in George's car.

Jonah, Melody's going out with George. Yeah.

We didn't want to tell you. Sorry. He stole her from you.

Fucking bitch.

Melody! Melody, is he the papier-mache thing?

Yeah. Well, guess what? I'm going out with Miss Hunt now!

We're lovers! Get off! Me and Miss Hunt are going out.

She sucks me off better than you ever could.

That is disgusting - go home. Sorry, Miss, I was only joking.

We're just joking, Miss. Say sorry, man.

Sir, what's happening? Why is all that shit outside?

Sir, are we moving classroom? What the fuck, sir?

Why are they taking our shit? Righto, now you blokes are all here,

just gather round, I'll...

I'll let you know what's going on.

Are you punking us, sir?

No, mate, I'm not - this is for real.

So...

..I've known for a little while,

but I didn't want to worry you blokes. The, um...

..the Catholic Education Office

has deemed that Lazarus House is unsatisfactory

and it seems that I'm of no benefit,

so they've decided to close us down after nine years.

That's fucking shit, sir. Are you serious?

HE SIGHS

Today's my last day at Holy Cross.

What about us, sir? You can't leave us.

What's going to happen to us?

You blokes will be integrated back into the normal classes.

You'll still be able to do your subjects, so don't worry about that.

You'll just...be doing them with everyone else.

It's...it's all sorted.

That's shit, sir - we can't be in normal classes,

we're too disruptive to other students.

You're definitely not bullshitting us?

No, mate, it's not bullshit.

This is my last day. When I leave here, that's the end of it.

You won't see me again.

He's serious, boys.

But, fuck, sir - we love you too much.

We want you to stay.

Yeah - let's not get too gay about this.

We're just going to...say goodbye

in a...manly fashion, with a handshake.

Boys, let's sing a song for Sir. Yeah!

Let's sing a song for him, boys.

THEY SPEAK IN TONGAN

What's...what's that?

It's a traditional farewell song.

We sing it when someone goes away.

Yeah?

HE PLAYS UKELELE

THEY SING IN TONGAN

Oh!

THEY LAUGH Fucking shit!

Don't get me, Sir!

I'm trying to sing - shut up, Sir. Shit!

THEY CONTINUE TO SING

Can I get the Lazarus House boys to your feet, please?

As of Monday, these boys will be integrated back into normal classes

as Lazarus House will be closing.

If you happen to see them in your classes,

please make them feel welcome.

It's not an easy transition for them, so please reach out.

Be as warm and considerate as you can be.

Thanks very much, guys - take a seat.

Can I see Jonah, Manu, Israel, Sonny

and where's Moses Takalua?

Yeah - come up here, Moses.

You guys, come join me at the front, please.

Now, last weekend, these boys competed

in the Feel The Beat talent competition and they performed

their original anti-bullying song,

Don't Be A Bully.

Now, they put in an massive effort to write this song and rehearse,

despite being split up for some time.

They also put 100% into their performance

and I was extremely proud.

Now, these guys didn't win, but that's life,

it's what happens, sometimes.

But what I wanted to do was to read out something

in reference to these boys -

a quote from the great Nelson Mandela.

"We ask ourselves,

"'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'

"Actually, who are you not to be?

"We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.

"It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone.

"And as we let our own light shine,

"we unconsciously give people permission to do the same."

Now, despite what you guys might think of yourselves right now,

I believe that you are genuinely, incredibly brave,

wonderfully talented, generous and loving boys

that I'm honoured to know.

Keep striving for your best and keep letting your light shine.

You should be extremely proud of what you've achieved this term.

Thanks, sir.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

'This term has been great.

'Me and the Fobba-liscious boys, we dominate the playground

'more than ever before.

'We're still the sickest cunts in the whole school.'

Boys, Fobba-liscious. ALL: Fobba-liscious.

Boys, where's my moisturiser?

'And it's good, because Mr Joseph has gone -

'now I can do my dictation tag.

'I've been doing it everywhere and I don't even get busted.'

'And I've been telling some teachers that Gray has been

'getting into tagging lately

'and to look out for dicks.'

You know what Gray did? I saw him running out of the toilets before

and he looked really guilty.

I think he had ink on his hands - did you boys see that? Yep.

Hey, Sister Monica. OK, go...

Argh! Fuck, Sister, I fucked my leg!

Only joking! I didn't!

THEY LAUGH AND YELL

Got you, Sister!

Sorry for swearing.

'I miss Mr Joseph a lot, but being in normal class is good,

'because we get to do science

'and my favourite subject in science is astronomy.'

Sir, what page? What page, boys? Four.

"My Very Easy Memory..." Sir, what planet is this one?

The one with the crater? One moment, Jonah.

Can you get a stiffy in space, sir?

'The other day, we got to go on an excursion

'to this telescope place

'and we got to see galaxies and shit

'and I asked Sir some really good questions.'

There's Milky Ways and shit!

Yeah, it's the most amazing thing... Fuck!

I think I just saw a comet, Sir!

Is there a comet? I saw a comet. You might have.

Sir, how come I can't see Tonga?

Well, it's not in space, is it, Jonah? Oh, yeah.

'And in our class, if you're really good at astronomy,

'then you get to go up... Sir picks you to go up and look at the models.

'I'm really good at astronomy, but Sir never picks me.'

I need a volunteer... Sir, pick me, please!

Please, Sir, please! Er...

Tristan, come up.

Fucking homo!

'And there's a competition for...

'They're picking one kid in Western Sydney to go to NASA'

which is in America, to see spaceships and shit,

if you're really good at astronomy.

And so, if I'm really good at astronomy and I win that trip,

then when I'm over there,

I'm going to get a record deal for Moses while I'm there.

Sir, I want to show you some stuff. I want to name all the planets.

Sir, I know them.

Mars...Jupiter...

What the other one? That's it...

Uranus. Ura...

HE LAUGHS

He said "Uranus!" Sir! Sir, he said "Uranus."

Uranus is one of the planet things.

Sir, has a man ever landed on Uranus?

THEY LAUGH

No interruptions, please - others are trying to learn.

Sir, has a dick ever been up Uranus?

THEY LAUGH

Jupiter...

Sir? Sir, um...do men like Uranus?

THEY LAUGH

Go to the rugby one.

That's it...

'Home's good, too. I've been doing all my homework,

'I've been really good.'

I got new school shoes, too - these are my new shoes that my dad got me.

My one's better. More responsible shoes.

Look at this kid.

'And I even did my own art assignment that I made up.

'I've made sculptures. I papier-mache'd Sister Monica's arm

'and I even papier-mache'd my dick.

'I keep them on the mantelpiece.'

Everybody, dinner is ready. Go back, go back...

Let's eat. Dinnertime, Shithead.

Don't eat it, you're fat enough already.

Eat my shit.

Eat my shit with a knife and fork and...put it in your mouth, bitch.

'And another thing - Moses got a laptop,

'because of his learning difficulties, from school,

'and it's quite nice, cos me and Moses,

'we Photoshopped some photos of my head

'onto some other ones, to trick my dad.'

Hey, Dad, come check this out...

'And now, because of the fake photos,

'my dad thinks that I'm captain of the rugby team,

'dux of Year 9,

'president of the SRC and assistant to the priests.'

This is the science award.

This is all the best science kids in school, me and this boy.

I'm so proud of you, man.

'But the best thing of all is, because my dad thinks'

I'm all responsible now,

he's taking me to Tonga to get my Takalua tattoo finished.

He thinks I'm a real man, now.

Hi, everyone at Holy Cross - this is a video of my brother Jonah in Tonga,

getting his tattoo finished.

As you can see, he's being a bit of a pussy.

Ah! It kills!

Don't cry, you pussy.

Fuck off! Piss off! I don't want to be filmed!

Say something. Just say it to everyone at school.

I don't want to be filmed! It hurts like a motherfucker!

Stop swearing. Respect your uncle. But it kills!

Or I will smack your ass home.

It fucking hurts! I mean, focking hurts.

It's not a swearword...

Argh! Fuck!

LAUGHTER AND YELLING What did you do that for?

UNCLE SHOUTS IN TONGAN It kills!

Dickhead! It's to take your mind off your tattoo.

Your balls hurt more than your arms. Fuck off.

Is it nearly over?

It's almost done.

All right, now, just say something to everyone at school.

Hi, everyone at Holy Cross. Hi, Sister Monica. Hi, Kool Kris.

Um, this is me, getting my Takalua tattoo

and when it's finished, I'm going to be a real man. Cut.

UNCLE SPEAKS IN TONGAN

It's finished. Oh, it's finished.

Oh, it looks good. Give us a look.

It looks like a dick. Um...

It looks like a dick!

It means you're a real man now, son.

You've got the real Takalua tattoo. But it looks gay!

That's what fathers give to their son

when they're ready to become man.

I don't want this tattoo.

Don't laugh - at least I've got tattoos.

You're a little pussy. You see? Aisi's got one.

Your uncle Mamafu got one.

And I got one, too - see?

Oh, yuck!

You didn't tell me you had a dick on your arse!

That's disgusting. Yes, son.

I don't want to have a dick on me! You've got a dick on you.

We all do.

Jonah...

HE SPEAKS IN TONGAN

All Takaluas have a dick on them.

That's the Takalua style.

I like it. It looks good.

I love you, son.

Love you too, Dad.

Proud of us... Ah! Fuck, careful! Ooh, sorry, sorry.

Hey, Moses, one day, you will have a dick on you, too.

You will! No!

Dad, thanks for letting me get the tattoo.

No worries. I thought you...

Ow!

Fucking little shite!

I'm going to get you...!

Some people have no class.

They've got footage of me in my underpants in the garden.

Your favourite comedians... Do you think it's a catchy title?