Planks & Pranks Josh

So, er...

..what you been up to since I last saw you?

Well, I've contracted lower back pain,

which means I have to sit on a large inflatable ball at the desk in the office.

I've been told it looks like I have a massive pile.

I'm sure it doesn't, mate.

People call me Space Hopper, which hurts, cos I've put on weight.

No, you haven't. You look exactly the same.

My sister's just had a little girl, and because of my back,

I can't even bend over and pick her up.

I have to just pat her on the head.

I think she finds it patronising, even at her age.

-Are you expecting a call, or...?

-No, no, no.

Just checking the night's still young, which it is.

Glad to see we've only been here 20 minutes.

Are you getting reception?

Oh, my phone never gets any reception.

Not that anyone ever rings.

Only time I've had to give a ring back was when Judy divorced me.

Oh, well, count yourself lucky. I only get those PPI calls.

Even they don't ring any more.

Got removed from the list.

Their request, not mine.

Still, at least there's Saturday to look forward to.

Saturday?

My birthday. You are coming?

Saturday? S... Oh, no, not Saturday.

Er, I'm afraid I'm going to Chessington World Of Adventures.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah. Owen's got those Fastrack passes.

They're actually more affordable than you think.

-You get these vouchers on the back of Frosties...

-No, I mean, Owen.

I've already sent him the invite and he's accepted for both of you, so...

-Has he?

-Yeah. Do you think you got your dates mixed up?

-It's the only explanation I can imagine.

-So you can come?

Yeah.

Great! Bump buds forever.

Bump!

Cheers for not responding to my rescue text(!)

I just had to spend an entire evening with Pete.

What, the depressed potato?

Yeah, he's worse than ever. He's got a bad back.

He told me he might have to take a second job

because every time he drops his wallet, he can't lean over and pick it up.

Well, how does he do up his shoelaces?

Oh, he lies on the floor and does them in the foetal position.

Oh, my God, it never rains but it pours.

So where was my rescue call?

I didn't get your text, mate.

Oh, you liar. I got a read report.

Read report? You're such a dweeb!

I'm surprised he's not trying to shake YOU off.

He has enough problems shaking off his shoes.

Look, if you don't like spending time with him, just stop seeing him.

No, cos I'm a good friend. It's my thing.

I don't just get rid of someone when I realise they're a bell-end.

-That's why I'm still friends with you.

-Look, just dump him.

I can't. Everyone else has deserted him.

Me and Owen are the only two loyalists left.

-Mm.

-It's like when Neighbours went to Channel 5.

Owen, did you loosen the top on the pepper pot this morning?

I've said before, mate, I have no issue with you discussing masturbation,

but please don't use your twee-phemisms.

I'm afraid the guilty party is here, your honour.

Just getting some practice in.

Sophie's coming round today. It's going to be absolutely mental.

-Oh, God.

-So who is Sophie?

Oh, Sophie's my partner in crime from school. We were an absolute nightmare.

People used to call us "the prankers".

Do you think you might've misheard them?

Oh, we were constantly pranking everyone.

No, you weren't.

Er, yes, we were.

What about when Sophie cut an inch

off every single metre stick in the whole school?

Or when she told me they'd dropped the transparent pencil case rule

and I had to resit my Geography GCSE?

She once put a fake plastic turd under my chair in Maths

and everyone accused me of having shat myself.

I mean, come on, it would've had to pass through my trousers

and a solid plastic seat and remained intact.

I'm not a magician.

They called him Harry Poo-dini.

So it was Sophie who did all the pranks?

Er, no! Lid off the pepper pot in the canteen - that was me.

They didn't call me Dr Pepper cos I was misunderstood.

No, it was cos no-one liked you.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, that's her.

-She's really annoying, right?

-Absolutely insufferable.

Six extra large pepperoni pizzas for a Kate Boner?

Oh, my God!

-It's started already.

-Are you Kate Boner?

The funniest thing is, I don't even like pepperoni!

Sorry, have I got the wrong address?

Ahhh! Gotcha!

Get me a pizza slice, Miss Boner, I'm starving.

Oh, Sophie!

-Oh, I got ya! Got ya good.

-Oh, you sure did.

That'll be 57 quid.

I can't believe you didn't tell me about Pete's party.

I didn't want you to shoot the messenger.

Unless that messenger was Pete - I'd be absolutely fine with that.

Oh, God, it's going to be awful, isn't it?

Oh, terrible. That's why I'm not going.

You're not going? He thinks you are.

Yeah, I know that, but I do this all the time.

I tell him I'm going, and I flake out at the last minute.

Shows I care, but I don't actually have to attend.

What kind of friend does that? You've gotta go.

Nah, I haven't seen him for years.

-I've moved our friendship online.

-What do you mean?

Oh, well, three hearts on Instagram's basically an afternoon coffee.

A couple of Snapchats is a night out on the town.

I retweet him in the middle of the night so nobody notices,

then in the morning, I hide the evidence by sending out a couple of satirical puns.

That's not friendship.

That is friendship in the digital age.

To be honest, I see him as more of a Tamagotchi than a person.

-Unbelievable.

-Oh, here's another tip for you.

If you don't want to attend, you send a present instead.

I didn't want to go to his wedding, so I told him

that I'd cut myself whittling a love spoon,

then bought a ladle off Amazon, sent that instead - job done.

It wouldn't cost much for you to just pop your head in at the party.

How am I going to do that? Swim up the Norfolk broads and just stick my head through a porthole?

-What?

-You do realise

that the party is on a boat in the middle of nowhere for the whole weekend?

But it's a massive Super Sunday.

It's the battle to see who's the best Ham, West or Totten.

If you're going to persist with this bizarre, archaic ritual

of actually seeing our friends,

you've gotta accept there are going to be Super Sunday-related consequences.

-So funny!

-No, I'm not saying it wasn't funny.

I'm just not really in the position to be paying £57 for six extra-large pizzas.

But it was funny, though, wasn't it?

Yeah, well... Well, maybe we could split the cost.

No! You paying is part of the prank! Don't you get it?

Oh, yeah, I know! No, I totally get it.

That's why I was laughing with him all the way to the cashpoint!

And then to the next one cos that one was out of order. It was...

It was a really funny half-hour.

Oh...

By the way, um, am I OK to stay over for a couple of nights?

My mum's in hospital, and...

Oh, God, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Oh, fine. Huh!

Ah! Is this another one of your pranks?

Are you joking?

Are you?!

-No, Kate, there are some things you don't prank about.

-Oh, God, OK, sorry.

-BREATHES IN SHARPLY

-Tell you what will cheer me up.

Let's do some prank calls.

Prank calls? Really?

-Yeah, like the old days.

-Oh, my God, yeah, like the old days.

You dial a random number and I'll just say whatever comes into my head.

Random.

-Ohhh!

-Ah! Here you go.

Hello, madam. Um, sorry to disturb you, but I'm calling from the RSPCA.

Um, we have had worrying reports

-about how you're treating your beaver.

-Ah!

Are you aware how often you need to wash it?

-You don't have a beaver?

-Ohh!

Well, then you need to consult a doctor immediately.

BOTH LAUGH

The prankers are back.

-Right, now you try it.

-Ohh!

-No, I don't think I could top that beaver joke.

-Oh, no, trust me, you'll come up with something.

One random dial.

-Oh, God.

-Oh, it's ringing, ringing, ringing.

Oh, hello, madam. Um, I'm just calling from the RSPCA.

Um, we've had some reports

that you've been flashing your boobs in the local park, to the swans.

Oh, hi, Mum.

Oh, God.

No, I've dialled the wrong number.

No, I don't have a job at the RSPCA.

Yes, I'm still temping. Look, Mum, I'm going through a tunnel now, so I have to go.

OK, bye. Bye. Bye.

Gotcha!

Ah-ha!

-Pete!

-Those stairs were tougher than I'd hoped. Then again, I am fat, so...

So, er,

-what brings you here?

-Can I come in?

Yep.

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS Why are you here, Pete?

I wanted to discuss your pirate outfit for Saturday.

-What?

-Did Owen not explain the theme?

-No.

-Well, in that case, I've got some exciting news for you.

The party's pirate themed?

Oh... I was looking forward to telling you that.

Not had much to look forward to recently.

Of course.

-Here's your invitation.

-Thanks.

"Rule one, ye must bring flagons of ye own grog.

"Rule two, all buccaneers must arrive on time.

"The galleon won't leave terra firma until all shipmates are on deck.

"Rule three, I'll be cooking burritos,

"so please let me know if you want chicken or Quorn, me hearties."

What the hell are you doing?

Measuring you up for your tricorn hat.

Oh, I'm not really a hats person.

Check rule four.

"Rule four, dress code. Pirate up..."

-You're not reading it properly.

-PIRATE ACCENT:

-"Rule four, dress code.

"Pirate up for ye high seas.

"Please provide ye head size for ye tricornered hat."

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Blimey, that is a big head.

It's just a slightly larger than average skull.

It's hereditary on my father's side.

Oh, I suppose. You are a comedian, so... that could be funny.

Yeah, I suppose.

HE GROANS

Anyway, Pete, I've got chores to be doing,

so I suppose you're going to have to make tracks, if that's OK?

Pete? Chores?

HE GROANS

Really means a lot, you coming to this, Josh.

-See you later, mate.

-Bye.

Owen, you have to get me out of Pete's party.

-Morning, Kate.

-Oh, Geoff, what the hell are you doing here?

Your friend Sophie let me in and made me a cup of tea.

Although, I must say, it tastes slightly salty, which is weird,

cos I saw her putting six teaspoons full of sugar in.

Why are you drinking it like that?

HE SLURPS

Well, since I put it down, I haven't been able to lift it off the table.

Has someone spilt superglue?

But don't worry. I'll be out of here as soon as I find my shoes.

How have you lost your shoes?

Sophie told me to take them off and relax. I nipped to the toilet.

-Next thing I knew, they'd gone.

-Right, what did they look like?

Oh, beige Hush Puppies, size nine.

Yeah, I think that's them.

What? I didn't leave them there.

Yeah, I think Sophie's probably glued them up there as a prank. Sorry, she's like this.

Well, it's a bit of a mean prank, Kate. They're my best shoes.

Well, it's not just you. This morning, she put bangers in my slippers.

-What, sausages?

-No, those little things that explode.

Sausages. I know how you feel, Kate. My brother pranks me all the time.

Last Christmas Eve,

-- he locked me in the garden shed.

-And then what?

-He let me out.

-Right.

On Boxing Day.

That's not a prank, Geoff.

Well, if it's not a prank, why was he laughing so much?

He's always pranking me.

Another time, he gave me a scratchcard for a present.

I won £100,000.

That's amazing.

No, it was a fake card, Kate. He got it from a joke shop.

And the trouble is, by the time he told me that,

I'd already put a deposit down on a Triumph Herald.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Geoff.

No! No, the joke was on him, because my mum made him buy the car.

I mean, he can afford it - he's a millionaire.

He just added it to his fleet of sports cars.

But between you and me, I knew he didn't really want a fifth sports car.

1-0, Geoff.

Your brother's a millionaire?

Yep.

Doesn't pay a penny in tax, though.

Claims he's based in the Cayman Islands. Silly idiot.

His homes are in London, New York and Barbados.

I mean, just makes him look stupid.

HE SLURPS

You, my friend, have a free weekend.

You're back in the box seat for Super Sunday.

You bloody little hero! What did you say?

I told Pete I can't go because I have mumps, which is contagious for 96 hours.

And?

-And he bought it.

-But what about me?

-Well, I've told him you can still go.

-You told him what?

Don't worry about it. It'll be fine.

But you've sold me down the river, literally.

Well, firstly, it's a canal.

And, secondly, you have so much still to learn.

If we pulled out of this together, it would look deeply, deeply suspicious.

But what am I meant to do?

It's simple. You sleep soundly in your bed for 12 hours.

Then you dispatch a text to say that you've woken up riddled with mumps.

If anything, I'm being generous.

I mean, the second drop-out's always easiest because they're braced for it.

Just, er... Just look at Mutya and the Sugababes.

I don't remember Mutya leaving the Sugababes.

Exactly, because you were braced for it.

Isn't mumps a kids' disease?

Oh, big time. And who's got a new niece? Pete.

There's no way he's going to let us come.

Oh, my God! Thank you, Owen.

Do you know when he was on Saturday Kitchen,

James Martin used to deep-freeze the leftovers?

He didn't do a big shop for ten years.

Ocado thought he'd died.

OK, here it is - the text is written.

Oh, God, what if he doesn't buy it?

Hit me.

"Hi, Pete, I'm so sorry, but I've caught mumps from Owen, so I can't come.

"Absolutely gutted. Have a great weekend."

-Couldn't have written it better myself.

-TEXT SENT ALERT

I've sent it. It's gone.

I can't believe it was this easy.

I'm telling you, friendship in the digital age is a glorious, simple thing.

-It hasn't delivered.

-Shit. Well, try holding the phone above your head.

No, I've got reception. It just isn't getting through.

Has Pete tried holding the phone above his head?

-Do you want me to answer that?

-I'll call him.

-HOARSELY:

-Hey, Pete. It's, er... It's Owen, AKA Stig Of The Mumps.

Hope you have a good birthday, mate, and enjoy the Norfolk broads.

Or as I call them, the local women.

Anyway, er, as I said, happy birthday.

Oh, my neck.

-It went straight to answerphone.

-No shit?!

God, he's probably on the boat already, isn't he?

I bet the reception's awful on the Norfolk broads. You should've thought about this.

This was your plan.

Let's not start pointing fingers. Just try sending the text again later.

No, don't you remember?

"The galleon won't leave terra firma until all shipmates are on deck."

Yes, rule two.

They'll be waiting all day. I'll be responsible for ruining the party.

This is quite a pickle you've got yourself into.

I didn't get myself into this pickle. You pickled me.

I didn't mean to pickle you. I gave you the sweet spot.

-You got to be Mutya Buena.

-Well, what am I going to do?

Simple. You go for one night,

and then on morning two, I'll send you a rescue text.

I won't have reception.

Oh, bloody hell, this is a pickle.

Oh, well, I'm going to have to go, aren't I? If I'm going, you are coming with me.

No way, mate. I've got the mumps, haven't I? I'm very infectious.

I'll text you updates from Super Sunday.

I won't have any reception!

Yes, the aforementioned pickle.

I'm here! Sorry I'm late.

Pete, I've made it.

At last! We assumed you weren't coming. Still waited.

If I had more friends, we'd have set sail without you, but I don't, so we waited.

It was Owen's fault. I had to go and get him mumps cream.

Don't go bad-mouthing Owen. He's sent a crate of grog from his sickbed.

-Of course he has.

-And he retweeted my picture of my birthday dinner.

He even got out of bed at 2am to do it. He's one of the good guys.

Anyway, you're here now.

Hat, eye patch,

-and then we can get going.

-It's a bit tight, isn't it?

Really?

I'm sure it'll give.

Right, let the merriment begin.

Ha-harrrrr! Arrrr! Here be your grog!

Good to see you, Simon.

-PIRATE ACCENT:

-Ah, pirate accents only on deck, matey.

I'm not very good at a pirate accent.

Rules is rules, me hearty.

That they be!

Interesting fact - the traditional pirate accent

is actually a misrepresentation from Disney movies,

so my voice is probably closer to the truth.

Well, in that case, we should probably all stop doing it, then.

Pity, cos we were all really enjoying it.

-We were really enjoying it, yeah.

-Yeah.

PIRATE ACCENT: Arr, I be a pedantic pirate.

Arrr!

Me hearties in the galley! We're all aboard. Time to weigh anchor.

ALL BUT JOSH: Arr!

Arr!

-Arr!

-Arr!

We tried to get the shoes off the ceiling with a broom,

but then the broom handle stuck to his hands.

My God, she's good.

And then the shoe stuck to the broom,

I tried to remove the shoe, and then I got stuck to the shoe.

We had to order a six-seater to go to A&E.

That is a plastic shit away from the perfect prank.

No worries there - she'd glued one inside the shoe.

When the doctor found it, he looked at me like I'd done it.

Oh, she thinks of everything.

Yeah. She used to impress me, and now it just feels mean.

Do you know what your problem is?

-You're such a victim.

-DOORBELL RINGS

You need to stand up to her, start pranking her back,

otherwise you'll be the prankee forever.

Do you know what, Owen? You're right.

Geoff, why are you here so early?

Bringing your broom back.

Oh.

Oh, just put it there.

I'll bill Sophie for it when she wakes up.

I bet that prankster's already up.

All she'd need is a mannequin and a cassette tape of snoring.

-Morning, Owen.

-Morning.

Have you not seen Ferris Wheel's Day Off?

My brother used to pull that trick.

There I was thinking he was having a lie-in, whereas in fact,

he was putting itching powder in my eczema cream.

He's a classic prankster.

Well, on behalf of all of us victims,

I've decided today is the day I'm going to prank her back.

Oh!

Well, now, if that's your jam, you've come to the right man,

cos I'm full of ideas.

OK. Well, what have you got?

A whoopee cushion?

Not good enough.

A whoopee cushion with a stink bomb in it.

OK, bigger than that.

A whoopee cushion with an actual poo in it.

Oh, how would you do that?

Cautiously.

-PETE:

-Of course, the future's all in virtual reality.

For example, I can get a headset that'll map my living room to your headset.

And then it'll scan your sofa to my...living room,

and I can come in and sit next to you.

No, hang on. No, this...

You'd have to be on your sofa,

my headset would be scanning your lounge, and I could come in...

Oh, no, what is it?

People think that being an optician is all about glass.

But we're actually doing some really exciting new stuff

with impact-resistant polycarbonate plastics.

In fact, when I lose my glasses now, I say,

"Has anyone seen my impact-resistant polycarbonate plastics?"

HE LAUGHS

I have to be on my sofa, and then that scans...and I can come and...

No. Or is it...?

You're on your sofa and I'm on my sofa, and then...

Ohh.

Right, OK, who am I now? Who am I now? Who am I now?

-INDISCERNIBLE ACCENT:

-Oh, that is lovely.

That is lovely.

That is... That is lovely.

-Who's that?

-I... I don't know.

These are...are lovely.

-I don't know who it is.

-These are...

-These... These are lovely.

-I don't know who it is.

-These are lovely. These are lovely.

-No, look, just tell me.

-These are lovely.

-Tell me!

-I'm not telling you. These are l...

-Tell me!

It's Gregg Wallace.

-SOPHIE:

-Oh!

Oh, it's been so much fun. It's really taken my mind off things.

-Oh, that's great.

-Ha!

I mean, your face when you didn't realise it was a prank!

Which time?

-Well, just every time, really.

-Yeah!

-Gotcha!

-Oh!

Ah! Oh, um, before you go,

I just nipped to the supermarket to get you a little goodbye gift.

It's not much. I just thought it'd be a bit of fun.

Oh, thank you, Kate!

-Go on!

-Oh! Mm!

Fingers crossed.

Ahh!

-Ooh! Hello!

-Ohh!

Oh!

Oh, my God! I've won!

No way!

Oh! Seriously, I've won 100 grand!

Ah, no way!

Oh, my God! This is life-changing.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, well, before you ring anyone,

there's just one thing I should probably tell you that's quite important.

Mum, you're not going to believe this. We have the money for your operation.

-Oh.

-No, I'm not joking. I won on a scratchcard.

You're going to get your new kidney.

Oh, look, I'd better thank Kate. She's the one that bought it for me.

I know, isn't she amazing?! Look, I'll come and see you now.

Yeah, I love you, too.

I love you.

Oh, Kate, I don't know how I can ever repay you.

Um... Er...

Oh! Good one! You got me.

Sorry?

You calling your mum. I've been pranked, right?

Sorry?

Cos you knew it was a fake scratchcard.

Fake...? Fake scratchcard?

Yeah, and that's why you were pranking me about your mum...needing a kidney?

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this.

Kate, I told you before, there are some things you don't prank about.

-Oh, God.

-How am I going to tell her?

Oh...

So as I said on the phone, Mrs Robinson,

I am so, so sorry, and it was only ever meant as a joke.

Well, why would you do that?

Obviously, I didn't want this to happen. I didn't...

I wasn't aware of your condition.

It's such a shame.

Just when Mum thought she was going to get her operation.

If there's anything I can do to make this better, then please, please tell me.

-Well, actually, there is one thing.

-Honestly, anything.

I need a kidney.

Oh!

Um... Well, I...

-Well, I'm not...I'm not sure if...

-BOTH SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER

Gotcha!

Pranked!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, this is all a prank.

Of course it was!

Oh, my God, so you're not ill at all?

Oh, no, I am ill, very much so.

OK.

But I don't want your kidney. It probably wouldn't even be a match.

Oh, God, I am so sorry. That must be awful.

-Gotcha again!

-Again! Again!

Pranked!

So everything's fine?

No, actually, I have got a serious illness.

Well, why would you say that you didn't?

The pranks cheer her up.

Right, of course. Sorry.

Yeah.

Thrice pranked, sire!

-OK...

-Just for your merriment.

-Too easy!

-What? I don't... What?

# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fell-ow

# And so say all of us. #

Arr!

To Owen, for top notch grog!

Ha-harr! And all pirates should join in the songs from now on,

or else ye will be walking the plank.

I'm just going to nip for a piss, OK?

Ye shall not pass unless ye talk like a pirate.

I'll just go to the toilet. I'll talk like a pirate when I get back.

And where be your eye patch, ya filthy sea dog?

I took it off. It was affecting my depth perception.

Pirates don't worry about health and safety.

I'm not a pirate. I live just off the Holloway Road.

Ye be a negative ship hand, Joshua.

Cap'n Owen would've joined in with ye crew.

-No, he wouldn't.

-Mutiny! Disrespecting Cap'n Owen.

-Throw him in Davy Jones's locker.

-Arr!

Captain Owen? Are you kidding me?

He had no interest in joining in. That's why he didn't show up.

He has mumps.

Oh, come on, that's just what he said cos he didn't want to come on this trip.

I'm the real friend here - I actually came. I should be the captain.

PHONE BEEPS

-It's from you!

-What?

It's from this morning.

Oh, no, you don't need to read that. Just ignore that.

-PIRATE ACCENT:

-"Hi, Pete, I'm so sorry, but I've caught mumps..."

-NORMAL VOICE:

-"...from Owen, so I can't come. Absolutely gutted. Have a great day."

Arr!

Feeling better now.

You didn't want to come.

No, I did. It's just...I've got mumps.

-You blaggard.

-What?

It means "liar" in pirate.

I'm not a liar. I do have mumps.

Look, I didn't want to be the hero,

but unlike Owen, I wanted to be here.

Mumps is very contagious. It's so selfish of you to come here and expose us all.

Selfish? I've gone above and beyond to be on this boat,

and now you're acting like I'm the bad guy.

I've got a new niece, mate. What if I give her mumps?

She already doesn't like me.

You're a...

shit friend, and I wish you hadn't come, Josh.

Look, Pete,

I am sorry, but I was just trying to be a loyal friend.

I know I was late, and I know I don't Snapchat you enough,

but I have taken the weekend off to be here.

I have listened to Simon list every death in Game Of Thrones.

That's friendship.

I thought we were meant to be bump buds forever.

Bump.

Bump buds forever.

Arr?

-Arr.

-Arr.

Arr.

Arrrr!

Arrrr!

Here's to a great weekend with real mates!

Exactly. ALL: Arrrr!

Ha-ha! Just a shame these landlubbers are jumping ship in half a mile.

What?

Oh, yeah, we're just poking our heads in, really. Driving back to London tonight.

We didn't want to miss the huge Super Sunday tomorrow.

It's the battle of the Hams.

I assumed it'd just be me for the next two days,

but it appears I've got myself a shipmate.

Here's to Cap'n Josh! Ha-harr!

Ha-harr!

Ha-harr!

ALL BUT JOSH IMITATE PIRATES

SEA SHANTY MUSIC

-Kate.

-Hey, Geoff.

-I just wanted to say thank you.

-For what?

Your decision to prank back your friend

inspired me to finally prank back my brother.

Not with the whoopee cushion and the...?

Close.

I reported him to the Inland Revenue for his tax evasion schemes.

He's currently under investigation, with a potential fine of £3 million.

He's already had to sell most of his cars!

Geoff, that is not a prank.

Well, if it's not a prank, Kate, why am I laughing so much?

SEA SHANTY MUSIC CONTINUES