Growing Up Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?

This programme contains some strong language

I'm Kevin Bridges. This is Kevin Bridges: What's The Story?

As a comedian, I'm often asked how I came up with my material.

I'm not asked that often, but I've been asked once

by an old guy in the post office, and now by the BBC, so here we are.

This series, I'll go behind the jokes and show you the real-life stories behind my comedy routines.

This episode, growing up.

Most of my comedy heroes had pretty horrific and dysfunctional upbringings.

I had a relatively happy childhood, so straight away I was at a disadvantage

in the world of stand-up comedy, so thanks for that, Mum and Dad.

I grew up round here, a humble area.

We weren't poor, but we weren't the most affluent of families.

We didn't have money, but we had each other.

I've always had a good relationship with my parents, especially my dad.

You know when you're seven, eight, nine years old,

as a young guy, traditionally, your dad is your hero, isn't he?

He's your role model. He knows everything.

You want to follow in the guy's footsteps.

You want to emulate the guy.

Then you get to about 12 years old, you realise your dad's an arsehole.

It's a perfectly natural stage in adolescence,

discovering that your dad's a bit of a knob.

That's just what happens. It normally happens on Christmas Day,

and involves building something.

I'd be sitting there, working patiently away, using the instruction manual.

My dad would come in. See, my dad is of the old school,

where the use of an instruction manual is viewed as an admission of homosexuality.

That can get tae fuck!

Where's the claw hammer?

I first tried comedy at 17, and I didn't have much life experience

to talk about, but Mum and Dad were very supportive right from the off.

I first ever told you that I was going to try stand-up, is that right?

-That's right.

-In this kitchen.

-That's right.

Before it got painted for the BBC. Before you sold out.

We've even got fruit in the bowl.

When was the last time anybody in this house ate fruit?

I was trying to impress the crew.

We're giving you a false image of ourselves, here.

I remember I told you in this very kitchen I was going to try stand-up comedy,

and your words to me were, "You'd better tell your dad." And I thought, "Oh, no.

"I've come up with a good idea, and he's going to ruin it with writing

"loads of jokes, and stuff like that,"

which pretty much happened, is that right?

Aye.

Your dad was pretty cool about it,

and didnae have any suspicions that I wasnae up the pole.

Up the pole!

We need to explain. There's going to be a lot of Scottish references.

Up the pole. I don't even know what that means.

I know what it means, but I don't know how to explain what it means.

It means worried. Up the pole. She was up the pole.

We had Sky through a satellite dish, 1998. You could be watching Sky TV.

I don't know if anybody remembers old-school Sky.

You could be watching Sky TV in the living room television,

but you could also go upstairs, to the bedroom TVs and watch Sky,

but only what the person in the living room...

Only what they were watching.

I don't know the intrinsic technical explanation as to why that happened, but it just did.

Saturday nights, me and my dad watching Match Of The Day.

It gets to the, kind of, shite games, and I say,

"Right, I think I'm going to go to bed, Dad.

"Good night."

And he continues the charade. He says, "Are you going to bed, son?

"h, that's fine."

"Good night."

And there's that mutual father and son,

"We both know what the plan is here."

Bedroom TV switched on, go to channel number six,

that's when you see what he's watching, number six.

TVs are synchronised, but he's in control.

Looking at the bottom right of the TV,

waiting for the numbers to get typed out.

The numbers that could make or break the evening's entertainment.

Waiting for the numbers. Go on, play your numbers, give me your numbers.

Nine. That's good.

Zero, five. The ten-minute freeview, jackpot!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you.

Do you not think it a little bit weird,

me and you, sitting on the edge of the bed, talking about porn?

On the telly. It would be even more weird if we were under the covers!

We're on the edge of the bed, on top of the covers,

talking about porn, so it's not just as bad as it could be.

When I first done the Sky routine, how did you feel about it?

-Being the butt of the joke?

-The butt of the Sky joke.

-Right.

-Loosely based on a true story. Loosely based.

-Allegedly!

Loosely based on 100% fact.

When you finish that joke, you look to your audience and you say,

"You might be a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you."

-You may have portrayed me has an arsehole.

-Yeah.

But you love this arsehole.

-Bye-bye.

-Cheers.

-Oh, aye.

-Take care now.

-Andy.

-Cheerio, Kevin. Be good.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

Growing up, I always had too much respect for comedians

to think that just being funny amongst your mates was enough to be a stand-up.

I saw it as something that was for other people.

At 16, I read Frank Skinner's autobiography,

and I was fascinated by how much I could relate to the guy,

and how accessible the world of stand-up now seemed.

It convinced me to book myself an open mic spot and give it a go.

I went to talk to Frank about him being a role model,

an influence, and a bit of a hero of mine.

Frank, the opening line of your autobiography says

you find it hard to believe that anybody would be remotely interested in your life.

-Mmm.

-And then I read it, and it made me start stand-up, so thank you for that.

I was interested.

Yeah, well, I've heard that.

Someone said to me, you know, there was this guy on the Jonathan Ross Show,

and he said you're the reason he's a stand-up, and stuff.

I said, "Was he funny?"

And they said yeah, I said, "Oh, that's good!"

I don't want to launch another rubbish comedian into the world.

No, I was very moved when I heard that.

-How old were you when you started stand-up?

-I was a late developer.

I was 30, I think, when I did my first gig.

Because there's a bit in your book, the line, amongst other lines,

was when you said you'd hate to look back on your life

and wonder what would have happened if you'd tried stand-up.

That's what kicked me off.

Just thinking if I was, like, 75, and I thought,

"Oh, I wonder if I could have been a stand-up."

-Aye.

-It would have killed me.

To try and fail, fine, but not to try, nightmare.

I was, how can I put this?

I don't want to sound like some tragic figure,

but I wasn't going anywhere in life.

When I was coming up to my 30th birthday,

my mate's girlfriend said to me,

"So, what's it like being 30 and on the scrapheap?"

-In those words?

-Exactly those words.

And then, suddenly, I found this job, and I thought,

"Man, I love this, I'm not letting this go."

-Aye.

-The first two gigs were horrible.

-Yeah.

The third gig, I got massive laughs, and met someone

and went back to their place and had a night of fabulous lust,

and I can honestly say I was more excited about the laughs.

-Right.

-That's when I knew that was the job I wanted to do.

My first gig went well, and everybody was, my dad had come along to the show,

and he was emotional, going, "Amazing, it's brilliant.

"Just got up there and tried stand-up, amazing."

-And I was starting to panic, because your gig had went bad.

-Yeah.

So I thought, "Right, I'm going to have opposite careers from Frank Skinner."

It's going to go like that.

I've done it the wrong way about, and it's just going to go down.

Can I just say, I had a slight tingle go through me when you said that.

It's brilliant. I'm really so, so glad that that happened.

Because when I went full-time, I never had a job to quit,

I was packing shelves in the Co-op, or working in T.K.Maxx, just packing.

I was in charge of the dressing rooms in the clothes shop.

-You gave them the number, with the three items.

-Oh, you were one of those people?

I always thought that's a great excuse to stand close to the changing booths!

If you've got one of those numbers in your hand, you can basically go in there with them!

That's a ticket to paradise, that number!

Imagine how gutted I was when I turned my back on it(!)

You haven't got any spare numbers left, have you?

I was the guy that would count your items and then give you a number,

so if you were trying on three items, I gave you a number three.

And if you were trying on four items, I gave you a number four.

But we only had numbers one to six,

and this one time, a woman was trying on seven items,

and everybody was fucking freaking out!

I said, "Calm ourselves, let's just calm ourselves."

"Give me the six."

"Give me the one."

Problem solved!

Thanks for your time, and thanks, a general thank you.

No, well, I mean, thank you, first of all,

for owning up to the fact that I had any influence,

because a lot of people, a lot of comics are not terribly charitable.

-For owning up?

-So I appreciate.

No, to be honest, I am genuinely pleased that somebody read that book.

Someone wrote to me and said, "I read that book and I stopped drinking."

Someone wrote to me and said, "I read that book and I returned to the Catholic Church,"

and you started comedy.

I've changed the world! I am pleased about that, and don't let me down.

-Don't worry. I started reading your second book.

-Oh, yeah?

-And it just became...I read it, like, six months ago.

-OK.

But it was too much, it was too realistic.

When I read your first book, stand-up's really glamorous.

Oh, but now you've done. Yeah, well, I can't tell you anything now.

-Now it's just hotels.

-Now it's like The Sorceror's Apprentice.

Frank's book inspired me at an early age to start stand-up,

and it opened up the world to me.

It gave me a new way to spend my weekends, and it was an escape

from the more standard social activities of a Scottish teenager.

Remember when you get your first taste of independence,

when word had spread in your school that somebody's mum and dad were going away for the weekend?

And that the guy or girl were having a party?

They never knew they were having a party.

Perhaps having is the wrong choice of word. They were getting a party.

I don't mean the kind of high school parties that you see in American movies.

-IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Hey, hey! You guys know Chad Hogan?"

"Yeah, of course, man. Everybody knows Chad Hogan, man!

"Chad Hogan's mom and dad are going away to Long Island for the weekend, man!"

"There's a party at Chad Hogan's mom and dad's? Yeah! Wooo!

"Spring Break! Yeah! Wooo!"

"Chad Hogan's parties are awesome, man! Wooo!"

Then it shows you Chad Hogan's party.

Chad Hogan's booked a band for his living room.

"Great party, Chad! Wooo! Yeah! Let's go get some Dip 'n Chip!"

Everybody's nodding to the music with these plastic cups of beer that nobody knows who brought them.

"Wooo! Yeah!"

They're not the kind of parties we had. We never had their kind of parties.

We never had Spring Break. We had the Easter holidays.

When I was growing up, it was called an empty. An empty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It derives from "We've got an empty house. We've got an empty."

The house is empty. It's an empty.

You never had Spring Break...

..or Chad Hogan, or bands at an empty.

An empty was a far more tense affair.

Somebody's furious cousin would disrupt the ambience by announcing that he'd purchased 12 cans.

Drank two, gave one away, but there's only seven left!

"Turn that down! We've got a can thief! Fucking turn that down!

Somebody else in the corner, just trying on people's jackets.

"Do you think this one suits me?"

Not even asking, "Does it fit me? Does it suit me?"

The guy's a petty criminal, but you need to look your best, don't you?

The same guy that's leaving the house at the end of the night holding a microwave.

"I think you'll find I brought this with me."

"And I do not care for the accusation!"

When I first performed the Chad Hogan routine on stage,

I had no idea it would soon result in me

receiving an invite to America, the land of the free,

the home of the brave, and all the other stuff that they bang on about.

To me, it's the land of the college party and the home of Chad Hogan.

Chad Hogan was nothing to me, other than a good name

for the quintessential American party-organising teenager.

As far as I was concerned, he was a purely fictional creation,

until a few months ago, I received this e-mail, which reads as follows.

"Kevin, my name is Chad Hogan, and I'm American. No lie.

"You're a genius and fricking hilarious." Oh, cheers, buddy.

"Because of your comedy sketch, The Empty, I've had literally thousands of people add me on Facebook

"from Glasgow and round the UK.

"You've made me famous! Ha-ha-ha, it's great!

"You're brilliant. You should check it out on Facebook. Thanks. Chad Hogan. Chip 'n Dip."

America!

Chad Hogan's state of Utah is the home of the Mormon Church,

and it also has very strict laws on selling alcohol - a potentially devastating blow to the party.

It didn't matter to me, though, if there was booze, as long as they had central heating.

Saturday night. I'm off to get down and hang with Chad and his homeboys.

Let's hope there's some hot chicks!

It's clearly wintertime, but still, Spring Break!

MUSIC PLAYS FROM HOUSE

-Oh!

-There's the man!

Chad!

CHEERING

What's up?

-How's it going?

-My man!

Yeah!

ALL: "KEVIN, KEVIN, KEVIN, KEVIN!"

-This is your place?

-This is it. This is the party, right here!

Have we got a hot tub? Somebody said we've got a hot tub.

-We've got a hot tub.

-Let's go and see the hot tub, man.

-You want to see the hot tub?

-Give me a tour.

-Chip 'n Dip?

Is there Chip 'n Dip, as well?

You lead the way.

Oh, yes.

-Microwave's still here. No-one stole it, yet! No-one stole it, yet. We're still good.

-Amazing.

I'd like to thank you all. Thank you all for coming out.

Party, party tonight. We've got Kevin Bridges in the house!

CHEERING

Make some noise!

Give it up for Chad Hogan, man!

CHEERING

When I say Chad, you say Hogan!

-Chad!

-Hogan!

-Chad!

-Hogan!

When I say chip, you say dip!

-Chip!

-Dip!

-Chip!

-Dip!

Are you guys ready to party?

CHEERING

# Sometimes I give myself the creeps

# Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. #

Red plastic cups, Chip 'n Dip, a band,

and all without a drop of alcohol.

My host hasn't disappointed, but there is one specific thing that I need to verify.

-Are you guys coming back later? Pay me a visit?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-How smooth is this guy?

-Just chatting with the ladies!

If I was to say that, I'd sound like a pervert, but he makes it sound awesome.

-Genuinely, your name is Chad Hogan.

-Chad Hogan.

It's not a childhood nickname?

I don't want to see your passport and it says, like, Barry Hogan,

but your friends call you Chad.

-Everyone calls me Chad.

-Are you Chad Hogan?

-Chad Hogan.

Have you got any ID?

I don't mean that as if I'm going to sell you fireworks, I just mean, like...

-Chad Hogan, right there.

-This is your card?

-Chad D Hogan. Can we see that?

-He's there. Licence.

-What does the D stand for?

-Daniel. Chad "Da Man" Hogan.

Chad D Hogan. Just making sure you're not a fraud. The real deal.

-Man in the flesh.

-My man! Big up, man.

MUSIC: "Feel Good Inc" by Gorillaz

The tour of the party had one final destination.

I love you!

Chad had saved the best for last.

Definitely something I have never seen at any party I've been to.

A hot tub.

-What's up, Kevin?

-You came to the right party!

-Chad Hogan's party!

See, in Scotland, that would be used as a toilet by about midnight.

Yeah! Woo-hoo!

MUSIC: "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers

Chad's party, as predicted, is as far removed from my experiences of an Empty

as it's possible to be, despite there being one reminder of Scotland.

# I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door

# Da Da Da, Da Da Da

# Da Da Da, Da Da Da

# Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da. #

CHEERING

Chad Hogan!

ALL: "CHAD, CHAD, CHAD, CHAD, CHAD, CHAD!"

# The name is Chad Hogan

# And we partied hard in Logan

# With Kevin Bridges, it was a rave

# Until he stole my microwave. #

Holler!

The morning after the party, I hooked up with Chad,

and we made our way to Angie's Diner for breakfast, and to discuss the night before,

as well as to give me the chance to explain this whole situation to the poor guy.

-I don't know if I owe you an apology about the whole thing.

-No!

About what happened, because I got the e-mail, and you said,

"My name's Chad Hogan, I'm American," and you said you'd got bombarded on Facebook.

I never even considered the fact there might be an actual guy whose name is Chad Hogan.

So, what's it like waking up after a party and you feel totally fresh?

It's good, it's good.

Do you go, "Oh, man, you should have seen you last night! You were so sober!"

Do you wake up going, "Oh, my God, I was so sober last night!"

-I remember everything I did last night.

-I've never felt so hydrated!

-So, why don't you drink? A religious reason?

-Yeah. Religious reasons.

-The Mormons, that's the Church of the Latter-day Saints.

-Yep.

-Cool.

That's why you don't get any booze, but I think it's still good that you have a good party.

Yeah, it's good.

There was much more energy in your parties than there would ever be in our parties.

-Yeah.

-Because, alcohol.

-How's the parties in Scotland?

I think alcohol drains the atmosphere a little bit.

It makes it at first, because everybody's drunk and they lose their inhibitions,

but then they just get a bit...

-Throwing up, breaking things.

-Being sick and fighting, stuff like that.

-Thanks for being understanding.

-Thank you.

-Nice one.

-Can you say Spring Break?

-Spring Break!

-When is Spring Break?

Is it April sort of time?

-Yeah. March, April.

-March, April. Spring, basically.

-Yep.

-Spring Break's in spring.

The trip to Utah to party with Chad Hogan was a bit surreal,

but probably more for him than me.

Good luck to Chad for the rest of his college days,

and hopefully he'll do a bit better than me.

Before comedy, I attended college briefly. Very briefly.

Used to study psychology, for three weeks. That was my thing.

Psychology. Three weeks studying psychology. Get a bit freaked out.

Sigmund Freud, he was a sex pest.

He had a theory that young guys have sexual feelings towards their own mothers.

I remember reading this, and thinking, "The guy's obviously never seen my mother."

A lovely woman, but you wouldn't ride her into battle.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Psychology at college wasn't what I hoped it would be,

but I still have a fascination with people and their behaviour,

but it got me wondering,

what would it be like if my behaviour was examined in an intimate therapy session?

Just me, a therapist and a full television crew.

How are you, Laura? Or should you ask me that, at the start?

Do you usually start? It seems that you don't like spaces and gaps and silences.

No, it's just because it's my first time in therapy, so I don't know how we start.

-So, I'll ask you how you are, then.

-OK.

Is that how it's done? Is there a set way?

-What would you like to use the time for?

-A check-up.

-Do people come for a check-up?

-That I would say you're OK?

-Just a routine sort of, am I right in the head?

-Do you think you're OK?

Erm, borderline.

I don't know. I've got my hang-ups and stuff like that.

I worry quite a lot. OK. I'm a compulsive worrier.

-What kind of things worry you?

-I don't know.

If I'm performing at night, if I've got a show.

Even if it doesn't start until eight o'clock at night,

I'll wake up at ten in the morning.

So you've got ten hours of worrying?

I don't actually worry about the gig, but I feel on edge,

and I think that makes me worry.

The only time I relax is when I go on stage at night.

-My experience, when I've seen you perform live...

-Have you seen me?

-I've seen you.

-Was it good?

-Is that important?

-I don't know.

That I think it is?

Well, of course, I'd like to think the customer got value.

It's only a throwaway question, if you enjoyed the show.

I don't know why I'm starting to panic. Did you enjoy the show?

-You are starting to panic.

-A wee bit.

-Are you?

What are you panicking about? What do you feel anxious about?

Well, when somebody says, "Oh, I've seen your show," I'd ask, "Did you enjoy it?"

-Right.

-And then you came back at me with a question.

"Why is that important?", which would suggest you never enjoyed it.

Because I've come back at you and asked you a question,

your interpretation is that I must have then not enjoyed it.

Well, I'm just thinking you might not want to say, "I thought you were shite",

or, "No, I never enjoyed it." You've took a diversion.

-Back to you, which is what we're here to talk about.

-Yep.

Did you enjoy the show?

No?

Oh, well. You win some, you lose some.

-I loved the show.

-You loved the show?

-I loved the show.

You're just saying that.

Do you watch The Sopranos?

I feel a bit like Tony Soprano speaking to his shrink.

-AS TONY SOPRANO:

-You know who I am, you know what I do.

Is that me trying to cover something up, there?

-What do you think?

-Is that me trying to hide true heartache?

-Have you experienced true heartache?

-Have I experienced true heartache?

Erm. Of course.

Just get a bottle of Gaviscon, then it's fine.

-That's funny.

-Deflection.

-Yes!

Just batting them away.

One hour of therapy, and I feel good,

and there's a lot to feel good about, especially now that

I've attended a Chad Hogan party, met my inspiration...

Can I just say, I had a slight tingle go through me when you said that.

..had a heart-to-heart with my mum and dad...

"You might be a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you."

..and according to them, I've still got a bit of growing up to do.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd