Scotland Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?

This programme contains strong some strong language.

I'm Kevin Bridges, and this is my wee telly show, Kevin Bridges: What's The Story?

As a stand-up comedian, I'm often asked how I come up with my material.

Not really that often am I asked that, but I've been asked twice.

Once by a taxi driver, and now by the BBC, so here we are.

This series, I'll go behind the jokes

and show you the real-life stories behind my comedy routines.

This episode - Scotland.

I was born in Scotland, I grew up in Scotland, I still live in Scotland.

Scotland, a nation defined by many negative stereotypes,

most of which are accurate, but we are also a nation with a fascinating history,

some beautiful scenery, we gave the world the telephone, the television.

A culturally rich country, home of Robert Burns, Robert Louis Stevenson, Charles Rennie Mackintosh

and many other great, innovative, creative minds.

But none of that is funny, so back to the stereotypes.

You know when you travel down south,

and tell people you're from Glasgow, and they get quite excited,

and they go, "Oh, Glasgow. It's really quite rough, isn't it? Really violent, yeah."

You kind of get proud, and you go, "Oh, aye. Oh, aye."

"A lot of tough guys." "Oh, aye."

Then they visit the place, and they're a bit disappointed.

We're trying to get away from our stereotypes.

We've got a new promotional tourist campaign called

"Glasgow: Scotland with style."

Everybody seen the posters?

It's one of these homogenised posters of people,

supposed to be the new face of Glasgow.

People with names like Nathan.

Every major city advertises the happy people like Nathan,

and it's this guy on the poster - Nathan, sales assistant, proud Glaswegian.

I don't think a sales assistant called Nathan is a fair representation of any major city.

I think major cities should play up to their stereotypes

on the billboards advertising your city.

Show them real people, like wee mental Davey.

Apprentice joiner.

Father of six.

APPLAUSE

Davey's on the billboard, the six kids all tucked into the one tracksuit.

A Lacoste tracksuit, you know, only the best for these kids.

They're all dressed up for their granny's 30th.

You've got the six kids. You've got Keanu, Sigourney.

Destiny, that's a new one I've heard, Destiny.

Imagine naming your daughter after the nightclub she was conceived in.

APPLAUSE

"This is Destiny, this is my son, The Garage."

In response to the clean-living, stylish marketing pictures of 21st century Glasgow,

I've made it my mission to launch an alternative promotional campaign.

I'm on a hunt to find the real wee mental Davey,

somebody to appear on my new marketing poster for Glasgow.

I'm off to meet a class full of apprentice joiners,

but ultimately, only one can be selected.

It's a talent hunt with an edge.

Andrew Lloyd Webber found his Dorothy,

now I'm off to find my wee mental Davey.

I came here, to Cardonald College in Glasgow,

to interrupt a class of apprentice joiners in the hope of unearthing a star.

Gentlemen!

Good morning. If you can gather round, please.

Do you know why you're here?

Obviously you know why you're here, you want to be joiners.

-Do you know why I'm here?

-No.

I'm here on a casting mission.

You're all going to be part of an exciting new project

to find the real face of Glasgow.

We're here to find the real wee mental Davey.

We're going to unveil a poster in the city centre

with one of your photographs.

Is everybody excited about that?

-What about you, sir? What's your name?

-Jack.

You've got the pencil behind your ear, that's ideal.

-John, you're pretty keen.

-Aye.

Would you represent Glasgow?

-If you take me fae my good side, aye.

-Fae your good side?

-So you're quite vain?

-Aye.

What's your good side? Give me the pose, if I was to look at you on the poster.

Move onto the next stage.

Every one of you will get photographed, a professional photo shoot.

We've got a backdrop and an expensive camera,

but only one of you will be crowned the face of Glasgow.

May the mentallest wee Davey win. Good luck, lads. Come on!

Say, "I'm here to fit your kitchen."

I've just opened the door, and you're going to go,

"I'm here to fit your kitchen."

I'm here to fit your kitchen.

The image of the guy. "I'm here to fit your kitchen!"

"Cheers for that!"

Lovely.

-You're a tiger! You ready?

-Shall I be a tiger?

What ever you want to be.

-Oh, how camp is that tiger?

-Grrr!

That didn't last long!

I cannae work with this guy!

Beware of the dog.

Cool guys, cool.

-Aaaah!

-Aaaah!

-Aaaah!

Have you done modelling before?

Just part-time.

Music, and a catwalk.

BOTH: # I'm just a sexy boy

# Sexy boy

# I'm not your boy, toy

# I'm just a sexy boy

# Sexy boy

# I sent chills

# Up and down their spine

# I'm just a sexy boy

# Sexy boy! #

Once the new face of Glasgow had been selected, it was a massive

push to get the picture off to the printers and prepare for the launch.

The poster was going to displayed in Glasgow city centre,

and as the hopeful candidates gathered, the big moment arrived.

The photographs have been taken, the artwork's been done.

We're now going to unveil a marketing campaign that will truly represent the people of Glasgow.

I'm joined by the guys here. When I first met you,

I seen boys.

Today, I'm seeing men.

But only one of you is going to be wee mental Davey.

Remove the bedsheet, please.

There's me.

Andy!

Andy.

Look at the guns, man!

-You are Glasgow, Andy.

-I am Glasgow.

-How does it feel to be Mr Glasgow?

-Brilliant.

-You're going to get to meet Mrs Glasgow.

-Oh, very nice!

Have wee Glasgow babies.

A round of applause for Andy.

APPLAUSE

Guy, come here.

OK, it might be a stretch to say that one poster constitutes

a marketing campaign, but I'm proud of my efforts.

Myself and Andy, doing our bit to represent the real Glasgow.

Job done.

Good to be back in Glasgow.

AUDIENCE CHEER

Good to come back to Glasgow, because you can speak.

You know when you travel with a Scottish accent, it's kind of hard.

Nobody understands anything you're saying.

"I've done a few TV shows, I'm a pretty fucking big deal."

"I'm serious news. No, I've done a few TV shows."

When you've got a Scottish accent on the telly,

you need to try and enunciate and use proper English,

but it's hard to find the right balance,

because no matter how hard you try to enunciate and use proper English,

there's still somebody from Leamington Spa...

..saying,

ENGLISH ACCENT: "We saw you on the television.

"I didn't quite understand everything you were saying."

"Didn't quite catch it, some of it went a bit over my head.

"Your accent is really quite strong.

"You've got a really thick Scotch accent,

"didn't quite catch everything you said."

Whilst there's somebody in Scotland saying,

"We seen you on the telly talking like a fucking bender."

"Care to explain yourself?"

The most important tool in stand-up comedy is your voice.

Speaking clearly, being heard, being understood.

Unless you work in the business of debt recovery,

a Glasgow accent can be something of a setback.

So I've come through to Edinburgh, to take a voice coaching lesson.

The rougher edges of my accent have to be smoothed over pretty quickly,

as the following night, I have set myself a challenge.

Woody, I'm off to Leamington Spa tomorrow night.

I've got a gig in there.

Previously, in a joke,

I've mentioned Leamington Spa

as an example of a town where they struggle to understand my accent.

The two things that I noticed first of all are you talk too fast.

OK.

The other thing I noticed very strongly is that

you're speaking Scots with a Glaswegian accent,

and so it's about being what you are a little more slowly,

and speaking English with that Weegie accent, rather than Scots.

-So slow down, but keep my accent?

-Essentially, yes.

Would you recommend just taking loads of Valium before a gig?

Oh, no, no. We can do better than that.

I'll show you a couple of breathing exercises that'll help you do that.

What we're going to do, is just go...

..like that.

-It's good, isn't it?

-Quite relaxing.

-Yeah.

-Good.

-I was actually showboating there, as well.

-I tried a few different rhythms. I'll try a tune.

-Yeah.

-Shall we go together?

-Shall we go in harmony? Pick one you know.

-Do you know the Prisoner: Cell Block H theme tune?

-Absolutely.

-Let's go for that. It's my favourite all-time song.

-One, two, three.

BOTH GARGLE PRISONER: CELL BLOCK H THEME

Have you got any examples of sentences that are notoriously quite hard to say?

You'd maybe use them as examples in your class.

I was thirsty after 33 therapy sessions in Thirsk.

Try that one.

-Thirsk? Thirsk, the place?

-The place, aye.

I was firsty after firty ferapy sessions in Firsk.

Thirsty. Stick your tongue out more. Thirsty.

I was fr..thirsty.

-I was firsty.

-Thirsty.

-I was firsty.

-No, that sounds like firsty again.

-I was thirsty.

-That's much better.

After Thursday's therapy session in Firsk.

-In Thirsk.

-In Firsk.

-No, that sounds like Firsk.

-Can we change the location?

-No.

-ENGLISH ACCENT: I was thirsty.

-Better.

After Thursday's ferapy session in Firsk.

You're getting there, but you're not there yet with the "th".

-One day before the gig?

-One day before the gig.

I recommend you practise in the mirror,

if you've got a little portable mirror.

Do I look like the kind of guy who carries a portable mirror?

No.

A trip to the chemist's.

Woody, fanks. th..anks. Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Fank you for your time.

-No, no, thank YOU.

-Are you correcting me, or just fanking me back?

-Both!

Thanks a lot. Cheers for your time.

-I'll let you know how it goes.

-Thank you.

A lot of techniques and tips to take in,

whilst also trying to entertain the Leamington Spa crowd.

Even if I do make the effort to refine my accent or work on my pronunciation,

sometimes a slight change in a word can carry significance.

I feel uneasy in the presence of dogs.

Not dogs in the traditional sense, I mean dugs.

You know you get a difference.

In Scotland, we call a dog a dug. We take that "o" and make it a "u".

A dog, a dug.

It's a slang term, but it's also a social implication,

in that you get dogs and you get dugs.

You know what I mean by that? You get, "Oh, look at that wee dog."

"Watch that fucking dug!"

One of those big council house terriers, with a name like Sasha.

Someone who brings it on a bus, and it jumps on top of you on the bus, and you shite yourself.

And the owner goes, "Don't worry, she's only playing with you, don't worry.

"She's just a big softy."

And the dug's going, "You know that's a lie!"

"This isn't over."

Having to travel to the capital city of Scotland to learn to soften a Scottish accent.

Proving my point that Edinburgh is just England with a few tartan gift shops.

Joking.

It's difficult to make people laugh if your accident is too broad

to understand, but an accent can also add to the comedy.

I headed to London, to catch up with a friend of mine,

one of my favourite stand-ups, and a genuine cockney, Micky Flanagan.

-Micky, I'm from Glasgow, you're from the East End of London.

-Yeah.

We're about to have a conversation. It could be a sad few minutes for the Queen's English.

I want to know where the interpreter is.

I hope we're on after midnight, just to see the woman for the deaf at the front just going...

Do you get described as the cockney guy off the TV?

-Yeah, you do.

-I get the Jock guy.

Did you find it a problem when you first started, your accent, when you travelled?

No. The only two places I found it caused problems was in America,

where they absolutely don't understand a word you're saying!

You worked there for a year, didn't you?

In a bar-restaurant.

I was what they call a busboy for a while,

so you do people's tea and coffee, and they've got a thing in America called,

this milk, it's half-cream, half-milk, it's called "half and half",

so the woman said to me, "Excuse me, can I have half and half?"

So I took it over to her, and then I looked at her old man

and I went, "Do you want 'alf 'n' 'alf 'n' all?"

"'Alf 'n' 'alf 'n' all?"

"Narf 'n narf 'n all? What's narf 'n narf 'n all?"

And then you almost have to get yourself to go...

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Half and half"!

Sounds like an antibiotic. Narf 'n narf 'n all.

I used to say to the Americans, "What are you hearing when I speak?"

They'd say, "All it sounds like is someone going aaooaaooaaooaaoo."

-Like a didgeridoo.

-Yeah.

-I done a gig in New York.

-Yeah.

And after the gig, a woman at the bar, she goes,

"Are you actually from Scotland?"

And I said yes, and she goes, "Man,

"your English is really good!"

Have we got any Americans in the room?

-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Hell yeah!

Just one guy doing a shite accent.

They don't normally come to Glasgow, the Americans. They visit Edinburgh.

Have we got any Edinburghers?

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND BOOS

Big boo for Edinburghers.

I love the Americans in Edinburgh, they're enthusiastic.

Up at Edinburgh Castle, Americans thinking it's a high school...

..because they hear gunshots every lunchtime.

Scotland has played a big part in your career,

as any comedian's career does, the Edinburgh Festival.

It's one of the oddest things in the world to be working in this city

for nearly eight or nine years, and then you have to go to Edinburgh

to be discovered by the people who work in your city the rest of the year!

A lot of comedians, their first impression of Scotland

is just walking the streets of Edinburgh, getting soaked,

and worrying about some review in some student magazine.

There is always a low point in Edinburgh,

when you've probably had a bad show,

and someone's given you a bad review,

and then you stayed out drinking too late,

you get up in the morning, you flick through the paper,

and it says, "Two stars", or something, and you think, "Oh, no!"

I remember doing one of those shows, and I came off stage,

right after me it was the break,

I was trying to get in the dressing room,

but the audience toilets were right beside it,

I was trying to get in fast enough before the audience came in,

but there was a code,

and it was one of those, you need to hit 1, 4, 2, 8, then X, Y, and I forgot the code,

I'm stood, I'd just died on my arse,

and I'm stood outside the dressing room with an entire gig walking past me.

I remember somebody's voice, it was an English guy,

he looked at me, turned to his mates and goes, "Look. The shit one's locked out!"

I had that in my head for the whole festival, the shit one's locked out.

If nothing else, Edinburgh does GIVE you a sense of humour.

-It grounds you.

-Yeah.

If you haven't got one when you turn up,

you'd better get one really quickly.

-You've gigged in Glasgow, I've met you.

-Yeah, I did Glasgow.

I've met you in Glasgow.

I always worried about going to Glasgow a bit.

-Because of the stereotypes?

-Well, not so much the, sort of...

Cockney?

Well, just being English, for a start, but then I sort of,

vaguely felt that being a, sort of, Eastender, as well, would help, because.

Aye, a working-class connection.

The Scottish are very much, they'll take you for what you are.

The other thing that appeals to me, as well,

about Glasgow and places like Liverpool,

is you do genuinely feel there's some, for want of a better word,

an old-fashioned set of socialist values still hovering around in places like Glasgow.

Friday night, it's fucking payday, here we go!

It's good to be here, in the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre, here we are.

The SECC, or as it's known locally, that fucking SECC.

"Three quid for a hot dog in that fucking SECC."

I love in these big venues, when people come in and they see their mates,

and they're on the phone going, "Where are you?"

"We're in D, we're in D. Where are you? I'm in K."

"D E F G H I J K."

"Stand up. What are you wearing?" "Yellow T-shirt."

"Oh, I can see you, I can see you. Wanker!"

It's nice to be here. I seen Lady Gaga perform.

I seen Lady Gaga in here.

It's easy to slag Lady Gaga, but the guy puts on a good show.

I've seen him up here, singing about his poker face.

Aye, he's a talented bloke.

Nobody talks about the show after the SECC.

They just talk about the prices, don't they?

"Guess how much."

"Guess how much we paid for three drinks.

"Have a guess, guess how much.

"For three drinks."

The key is to aim high and kill the conversation stone dead.

"How much?" "50 quid."

"No, it's not as much as that, no."

"We thought it was expensive, but it sounds as if we've got a bargain."

Micky, cheers for your insight, your time, your anecdotes.

-You know, I'm a very intellectual man. You're lucky to have me on here, really.

-No.

It's been a right bubble bath, to say the least!

Is that us? Are we finished?

ENGLISH ACCENT: Can we speak normally without that bloody Scottish voice(!)

Now, Justin, are you bringing the boat round this weekend?

-That's the really important thing I wanted to ask you.

-Call me.

-I will do.

-One word.

INAUDIBLE THROUGH LAUGHTER

Two words.

After I left Micky, I had to travel north from London

for my showcase gig in Leamington Spa.

I was determined to make this comedy gig work, for me,

for them, for my voice coach, Woody.

I've followed Woody's advice, bought myself a portable practising mirror,

so I can practice my fff's and my th's.

I'm off to get myself in shape for this evening's big gig.

F...F...Ffffforoughly enfralled.

F...F...F.

Thoroughly enthralled.

Half an hour before showtime, and I'm preparing to win over the good people of Leamington Spa.

I'm pretty nervous.

The show is a sell-out, and I'm performing new jokes in a new voice.

Voice coaching's been done, the research has been done,

a new voice, new jokes, it's showtime.

Hopefully it's a thrilling, thrilling ride. Thrilling ride.

I know the material,

but I just hope I can adjust seamlessly to my new accent.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Good evening.

Leamington Spa, I am thoroughly enthralled to be here.

Leamington Spa, my people, right here.

I've name-dropped you on a few shows.

Just raising awareness of this beautiful place.

First impressions are everything of a place.

I arrived last night, I looked out my hotel window,

and all I could see was a Sikh temple...

..and a tenpin bowling alley.

I thought, "Is there anywhere I can go in this town without having to take my shoes off?"

Is it as posh as it seems?

The reason I done that wee quip in my previous show was that

I just thought it sounded quite posh, Leamington Spa.

I don't know if it is posh. Is it posh? It looks pretty...

No? It's what?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Royal Leamington Spa.

Royal Leamington Spa.

Says the guy who's disputing the fact that it's posh.

You've corrected me for calling it Leamington Spa.

It's not posh, but it's Royal Leamington Spa.

I thought it was pretty posh.

I walked through the shops, and even the Greggs is in a listed building.

That's pretty posh.

When was the last time anybody here had a Greggs?

Do you just have that there so you can laugh at the poor people?

ENGLISH ACCENT: "Oh, look at his little face light up. Ha-ha-ha!"

We've been filming for this BBC show,

and I realised it was quite a sophisticated place.

Normally, when you've got a camera crew, camera crews are psychopath magnets.

Everybody wants to see what's getting filmed, you know.

And there was four guys. I say guys, kids, four schoolchildren, about 10 years old, today,

and they seen the camera, and one of them waved,

and his three mates were appalled at the guy waving.

They said, "Don't look at the camera, Barnaby.

You'll ruin the shot and they'll edit it out."

We filmed most of this episode in Scotland,

where, if four 10-year-olds had seen the camera, they'd be trying to rob the van.

They jump in front of the camera going, "I'm on the telly, you owe me 60 quid!"

Thanks for letting me spend a few days in your town.

I don't know why I'm saying thanks for letting me, as if it's North Korea.

Thanks for making me feel welcome in your lovely town.

Spread the love, Leamington Spa.

See you next time, good night, take care.

They listened, they laughed. Thanks, Woody.

Totally forgot everything you taught me, but they seem to have understood me.

Job done, Leamington Spa!

So, I've launched my own advertising campaign

to promote a more authentic picture of my home city.

I endured the indignity of a voice coaching lesson,

and caught up to talk accents

and identity with one of the country's favourite comedians.

We're a proud nation, Scotland.

We don't see ourselves as having much to be proud of, but we're still proud.

We're often subject to many lazy, stereotypical jokes,

but we have the humility to laugh at ourselves.

So, here's to the people of Scotland.

Well, those of you who've paid your TV licence.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd