School Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?

This programme contains some strong language.

I'm Kevin Bridges and this is my wee telly show, Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?.

As a stand-up comedian, I'm often asked how I come up with my material.

Not that often am I asked that, but I've been asked twice,

once by a Meat Loaf tribute act and now by the BBC.

So here we are. This series I'll go behind the jokes,

showing you the stories behind my comedy routines.

This episode - school.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

School. The happiest days of your life.

I always found that a bit depressing.

I left school at 16 thinking, "I've probably got another 60 or 70 years left in this world

"and the good times are gone."

I was a bit of a hoodlum at school. I'd rather get a laugh from my classmates

than a good grade from my teachers. But enough about all that!

I'll catch up with some of the characters from my school days

and go back to meet the current teachers and pupils.

My favourite subject was woodwork.

-AUDIENCE CHEER

-Woodwork.

Everybody's woodwork teacher was a functioning alcoholic.

LAUGHTER

We had a woodwork teacher. His name was Mr Brundle.

We'd come in in the mornings

and we'd shout, "Let's get ready to Brundle."

LAUGHTER

And everybody else in the class was ready to Brundle, except this guy.

He was fucked!

His Brundle-ing days were over.

He'd just be sitting at his desk, about 25 minutes into the class,

just sitting there, just going...

HE WEEPS

Then he'd face the class and say, "Right, kids, I've had a tough, tough weekend.

"I've had a tough time this weekend.

"I was supposed to go to IKEA,

"but I spent my week's wages in Oddbins."

"So one of youse wee pricks make me a spice rack."

'Today, it's my return to my old school.

'Well, my return to the school they built on top of my old school.

'But I'm gonna finally make a spice rack,

'under slightly less pressure and with the help of Mrs Bowie

'and the pupils of her fifth-year tech class.'

We'll be working on a spice rack. If we can work in wee groups.

-All right, Miss? Sorry I'm late.

-Guys, Kevin's a new boy in school.

-I'm a bit special, so be nice.

-He maybe needs a wee bit of extra help.

Hanif, could you maybe keep an eye on Kevin for me?

-You're my partner, Hanif.

-Aye.

-Do we hold hands still?

-No.

-I wouldn't hold hands, not in here.

-OK.

-Will you get us the tools?

-You've got some paper?

-I'm good.

-Are you new?

-I've been here a long time.

We never had any female teachers in techie.

It was always...drunken guys.

-Are you sober?

-I haven't met any like that. I'm definitely sober!

Strange days. It's good to see they focus more on the wood than the booze.

When you're turning that on, pull this lever down.

I'm feeling a bit nervous. I was never trusted on these machines. I was a moron.

At this stage, I'd be at the back of the class, karate-chopping pencils.

-Do you still do that?

-Sometimes, aye, when I'm bored!

Good man.

-What are these?

-The holes for the doweling.

Holes. All right.

I see you've stuck in. You know the technical terms.

So, we need glue?

I think we've OD'd a little bit on the glue.

Oh, no!

-Kevin, are you all right?

-Shush. Working, miss.

-LAUGHTER

-That's us.

That actually looks... SHE LAUGHS

If in doubt, introduce a mallet.

-What's next? Clocks, mirrors?

-That's lovely.

We made a wee special thing for you in case you didn't get it done properly.

-Aww!

-It might stay together, that one.

-Is that a dig, Miss?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Cheers, class.

-Thank you.

-See youse later.

-See you!

HE WHISTLES

DIALOGUE BLEEPED

'If I hadn't spent so much of my school days annoying teachers,

'making my classmates laugh and generally not doing a lot of work,

'I could've completed that spice rack and maybe left school with some brighter prospects.'

Ever been in the Jobcentre? Everything's "Must have experience. Must have qualifications."

I'm just a dickhead.

Last option - you can join the army.

You've got the British Army recruitment desk.

You've got the two guys, Robson and Jerome, sitting there.

With the berets on.

The guy's going, "Come over here, son. Be the best."

"Come on."

I'm thinking, "Me, join the army?

"T-Mobile just said I don't have enough qualifications to sell phones."

"Microsoft just said I don't have enough experience to answer phones...

"..and you want to give me a machine gun?"

'Leaving school and entering the real world was a tough lesson for me.

'I met up with actor and writer James Corden,

'who was just as disruptive and bored at school as I was, and he didn't turn out too bad.'

-Did you enjoy school, James?

-I think I enjoyed it socially.

I enjoyed being in a group of mates and knowing that they'd be there every day.

And you always knew where your mates would be.

-"What time is it?"

-And you would meet?

"10.30 break. Oh, they'll be by the bins at the sports hall."

That's where they'll be. You turn up and you're there and that's where you hang out.

There was so many... I think back to the people at school

and I think it was just so odd watching this group of people grow up.

There was a lad at our school

who only used to carry his bag on his head.

But like with the wrap,

you know, like, the handle of the satchel, just round his head!

And he'd walk to school like that.

And then he'd walk around school with his head like that,

not even using his hands for anything else!

It's not like, "I've got my hands full."

He'd just walk to school like that.

At PE, did you forget your kit and stuff like that?

Everyone took the piss out of me for being heavy.

What I used to do was just embrace the fact that I was big.

And at any point that you're about to be told off, pull out the truffle shuffle,

-you're fine because it's funny.

-Chunk!

"Waay!" Everyone goes, "You're all right!"

You go, "Can I get dressed as quick as I can in the corner of this room, please?"

-Were you dying inside?

-Oh, of course!

It's the worst time to tell people to get changed in front of each other.

There is no good time, but when you're 13, 14, 15,

it's so cruel that twice a week, you make kids go into a room and take all their clothes off!

Getting changed was a quest, a mission,

to not be the person that got bundled.

-Were you developed, in terms of body hair?

-No, nothing. I've barely got any now!

-Do you remember your first pube?

-I can remember thinking,

"Hang on a minute. These must be pubes!"

-THEY LAUGH

-"This is it!"

And then going in the next time and just, "Bang!"

HE SIGHS SATISFACTORILY

-Sitting with your legs...

-"Check out these six bad boys."

Pubes were such a huge thing at school!

It was a currency! You used to come in

and you'd tell people how many pubes you had.

-We had a mate, my mate Tony...

-HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

..my mate Tony, he used to count his pubes.

One day, he claimed he had 79 pubes.

He never even rounded it up to 80. 79 pubes.

But at the time, everyone's going, "Whoa!"

But being a kid, they go, "Hi. Has he got any pubes?"

Just the word "pubes"

takes me back to school immediately!

Remember finding a porn mag in a hedge?

That's a dying game, isn't it, finding a porno in a bush?

You're playing football, the ball gets kicked in the bushes,

somebody would go in to retrieve the ball, they would come out with no ball...

..proudly parading a wank book.

Match abandoned.

-Do people say to you, "Were you funny at school?"

-All the time.

-But everyone was funny at school.

-I know.

-Everyone was funny.

Like, I remember this guy who used to jump out of the window,

go out and come back in

and just nonchalantly walk back into class.

The teacher would go, "Where have you been?" He'd go, "The toilet." "Sit down."

Next time, bang, out the window,

and just keep going, that relentless thing of... It was awful, really.

That's creative. I still feel shame when I see my old teachers.

-Yeah.

-I must've put them through hell.

An RE teacher was showing us the movie Stigmata, about the guy that gets the scars of Jesus,

and he was telling us how deep this movie was,

but one of mates had a watch that could control the TV.

-Oh, right!

-You put a code in.

So the lights are off and my mate starts to adjust the volume.

He's putting it up and the old TV's starting to shake.

-Amazing.

-My teacher gets on his knees and goes,

"Children, this is a sign. There's a spiritual presence in the room."

-No, you're joking.

-Somebody goes, "Nah, it's just his watch!"

-James, thanks a lot.

-It's a pleasure, man. Thank you.

Pubes.

I'm gonna do a quick pube count.

-79 pubes.

-79 pubes!

'Getting away from the pressures of school meant one thing to me -

'heading home to watch the telly.

'I was a devout practitioner of the "TV before homework" rule

'and for me, there was one standout show.'

I used to watch a programme called Get Your Own Back.

AUDIENCE CHEER

Big show in the '90s.

I'll explain the premise to the more mature audience members.

It was hosted by a guy called Dave Benson Phillips.

CHEERING

Big Dave, as you can see, a fanny magnet!

-Dave Benson Phillips!

-LAUGHTER

They'd get these kids on who wanted to get their own back on a family member

who had done something to annoy them.

They'd tell the story about what their family member had done

and then they'd bring them on and everybody would boo.

It was normally a guy and they'd go, "Boo!

-"How could you do that? Boo!"

-HE LAUGHS

And then they would gunge the guy, cover him in gunge and go, "Boo.

"Serves you right. That's what you get - gunged. Boo!"

And that was it. Revenge. Revenge had been had.

Revenge. It was always really, really shite stories.

-IN POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"I'm here to get my own back on my daddy."

"Because we were in the car and he farted."

"And it was absolutely disgusting

"and he wouldn't put down the window."

I used to watch this every day,

just one day hoping for something a bit more hard-hitting.

"I'm here to get my own back on my Uncle Ronnie.

"Cos he's a paedo!"

Everybody's going, "Booo!"

"Gunge that paedo."

'I still miss Get Your Own Back and I don't think 4pm-television has ever filled that gap.'

CHEERING

'So imagine my delight when I realised that one of my TV idols

'was still a big-time player on the gunging scene

'and he agreed to appear in Glasgow for one night only.'

My name is Dave Benson Phillips, and you are here

are at a very, very unique edition of Get Your Own Back.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Now, we've got a very special edition

because it's a teacher who wants to get their own back on a certain pupil.

I'll let them introduce themselves. Please go wild and crazy, though, for Mr Farmer!

AUDIENCE CHEER

HIGH-OCTANE DANCE MUSIC

Hello.

Who do you want to get your own back on?

-Kevin Bridges. It has to be.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Now, why is that, sir?

Silly questions, he'd jump up and down on the windows,

he'd knock on the door...

It's put years on me.

Mr Kevin Bridges!

AUDIENCE: Booo!

Kevin, get over here. Have you got anything to say for yourself?

Mr Farmer, I'd love to say you've changed, but you have not changed a bit.

So between 6'6 and 6'7, quite a distinctive-looking guy.

A ponytail, quite thin...

He showed up at a school in Glasgow.

You were a bit too tall for the car.

-He had two canoes on the roof.

-Two canoes!

Then you would hear his accent and discover that he was English, as well.

Everybody in the class who was up for a laugh -

everybody in the school - just thought, "Jackpot!"

-You were not on your own in any of this, were you?

-No.

My wingman, my co-pilot, is Tony.

THEY CHANT: Tony! Tony! Tony!

Tony! AUDIENCE: Boo!

OK, how bad was it?

-It just made my day every day.

-LAUGHTER

Just hilarious every single day!

He tried to split us up and said, "No longer can you sit beside who you want to sit beside.

"We'll sit you in alphabetical order."

But my surname's Bridges

-and Tony's surname's Clark, so...

-Good grief!

Oh, come on!

So we're pretty much due punishment for this.

We are going to put you two in the gunge tank!

AUDIENCE CHEER

Ten!

-Nine!

-Eight!

-Seven!

-Six!

-Five!

-Four!

-Three!

-Two!

-One!

-Get your own back!

HIGH-OCTANE DANCE MUSIC

Mr Farmer, how do you feel, on a scale of one to ten?

-50.

-50! You heard it from here, everybody!

-Kevin, what about you?

-It feels great. We're actually into this sort of stuff.

Thank you, everybody! Bye-bye!

Thank you very much! Thank you!

Thank you!

'Kid's TV can give you a welcome escape from the slog of school

'and it helps maintain a sense of innocence,

'and that innocence was very obvious, even in an adult world.'

Remember when word spread when you were 15,

if you went to the health centre they gave you condoms.

None of us were well-sexed, but you got the condoms and filled them up with water.

They'd become water balloons.

Using a condom in a water fight, the thinking-man's water fight.

But you'd always have one friend who would take it too far

and introduce a Durex Extra Safe.

A Durex Extra Safe in a water fight? You'll fucking put somebody in a coma!

A Durex Ribbed Extra Safe?

He'll need facial reconstruction!

'At the same time as me and my mates were soaking each other,

'there were proper scientists, in labs, messing about with condoms,

'but for more valid reasons.'

You can see how much stress you can get.

'I went along to one of those labs to meet up with engineer and broadcaster Dr Mark Miodownik

'to explore the previously hidden world of condom-testing.'

You're catering for a select few men there, surely?

This is the actual test itself.

Two fingers.

-This is just... Ahh. That...

-Pretty safe.

-You strike me as a ribs-and-dots man.

-Really?

-Can we use a Ribbed Pleasure? Have you used them already?

-No.

-Let's use a Ribbed Pleasure.

-You're right.

Over here, we've got this...

-This is just, erm, a pump!

-You've got a pump.

What we do is, we put that over this cork

and that cork is connected to the pump.

-I'll keep an eye on the pressure.

-This is the pressure gauge here.

-Right, OK.

-Which pressure should we be...? What's the target?

-250 there.

Can you get a tighter grip?

Mark, I feel a bit bad.

I don't think any man with a PhD from Oxford should ever be in this situation.

Oh, I think that's us about the 250-mark.

CONDOM POPS Both: Oh!

It got to the 250 - that's a pass.

-Well done, Mr Condom.

-Yes, well done, Mr Condom.

-Well done, Johnny.

Apparently one-in-three 15 year olds in the UK

admit to being sexually active.

That was a shock tabloid headline. I don't know where they get this evidence.

I don't know who they ask to get the statistics.

If some youth worker approached you when you were 15 years old,

in front of all your pals...

AUDIENCE LAUGH

..and asked you if you were sexually active,

I'd say "Fucking right, mate!"

AUDIENCE LAUGH

"Who, Shagger?"

"Put me in for five, pal."

Shall we try an extra-safe?

'It was now my opportunity to turn teacher

'and introduce Mark into the ways of condoms - my ways.'

-This is where I take over.

-Ahh!

-I like to go for high pressure.

-I can see your technique.

-Yes.

-Like a chicken, you throttle it at the top.

You think it's gonna burst, but somehow it keeps on going. The hardest bit is getting the knot.

-That's a beautiful sculpture.

-Thank you. Wait till you see it when it's finished.

-You look like someone who's done this many times.

-I grew up on this sort of stuff.

-Water balloon. It's a two-man operation.

-OK!

-Try and get it to the window...

-OK.

-..in a two-man heave.

It's like holding a baby. That's how serious I take it. Cherish.

..at a family gathering, there's a new-born baby

getting passed around somebody's living room like a joint.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

And everybody's saying their piece.

Some people have this natural rapport when they speak to babies.

They can just go, "Aw, look at you! Ahh!"

And the baby starts mumbling. "Are you telling me a wee story?"

It's getting closer and closer to me and I'm thinking, "Shit!"

AUDIENCE LAUGH

"I need to pretend I give a fuck!"

It gets to me and I just kind of freeze.

I'm going, "H-H-How you doing, mate?"

And then the baby feels the tension, starts to cry,

everybody looks at me as if I'm in the wrong here.

"Toughen up, ya wee prick!"

This is the difficult part. You're gonna have to pass me it up.

It feels like holding a droplet of water.

It's a trip down Memory Lane. I'm getting quite nostalgic here.

-This is my first time!

-One, two, three.

It's beautiful! It is beautiful.

That's a lot of water. It's such a grim thing to see - a used, burst condom.

It had a thrilling life.

So, Mark, from what you've seen, a guy at a slightly elevated height,

dropping a condom filled with water into a sink, have you anything scientific?

It's not one of the tests they use.

I thought labs would be full of guys banging their heads and dropping johnnies in.

-It's good to discover your inner scientist.

-Yep.

I'm glad I've discovered your inner dickhead, 13 year old.

-Me, too!

-Thanks for your time.

-I'll give you a rubbery sort of spermicide shake.

-Thank you very much!

'It didn't feel enough to just build a spice rack,

'so with the headmaster's permission,

'I went back to crack a few funnies for senior pupils and teachers.

'And when it comes to my big intro,

'one of my former teachers is, well, honest.'

OK, can I have your attention, please?

Once in every while, you see a pupil who is destined for superstardom.

It was not this next person, I have to say.

School and Kevin Bridges did not go well together.

He probably saw more of a corridor and the outside of a classroom door

than what he did of the inside.

Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Kevin Bridges!

PUPILS CHEER

Hello! Good afternoon.

St Peter The Apostle, how are we doing?

A big hand for Mr Darroch.

A big hand for Paul. I can call him Paul.

KEVIN LAUGHS

Mr Darroch, that beautiful introduction... I still owe him a punny.

Do you still get them - punishment exercises?

-PUPILS SHOUT OUT

-No, you don't. All right.

Now I feel old. I've only left here about eight years ago, but stuff has changed.

Stevie the Jannie is the only face that I recognise!

Stevie the Janitor. How are you doing?

We used to stand outside the toilets and he'd walk by

and everybody used to go, "Stevie!"

Make sure that continues. Give a bit of respect for this guy.

How's things, Stevie? Are you enjoying it still behind the ice cream van?

Finding the sixth years, selling them single fags for 50p.

Legend, this guy!

You don't get punnies?

So, what is the discipline process if you misbehave in class?

-PUPILS SHOUT OUT

-You get what?

Who said that? What?

-BOY: DT.

-You get DT?

What does that stand for? Detention.

DT? So, what does the "T" stand for?

DT stands for De-Tention? So you've split up the word into two words.

Where's the English teacher? You need to get this sorted.

DT. You get detention. Anybody get detention today?

You're the fifth and sixth years, you're the most civilised people.

The fourth year, that's when the nutters leave.

They're the ones that would chuck a table at the teacher

for pointing out a spelling mistake in their homework.

What's your name? Leo. What do you want to be when you leave school?

-INAUDIBLE

-An engineer. Good.

Are you confident you'll get a job as an engineer? What qualifications do you need?

-Are you doing higher maths?

-I got it last year.

All right!

Sitting there with his legs spread. "It's already in the bank!

"Next!"

What's the plans this weekend, Leo? You're no longer children. You're young adults.

Do you get teachers who say that? "You're young adults."

"Shut up, sir."

Are you going out this weekend? Shrugging the shoulders.

You're not gonna be standing outside Spar trying to find an old guy to go in for you.

"Can you get us a litre of Merrydown, big man?"

I remember getting ID'd when you'd be 17.

You'd get asked for ID and you'd try and play it cool.

"ID? Er... I must've left that in the car."

"Perhaps when I was dropping off the kids."

Anybody else got ambitions?

No? Just Leo.

Any questions? I promised a wee Q-and-A session.

-A hand has went up straight away. What's your name?

-Natasha.

-What's your question, Natasha?

Did you have any favourite teachers in St Columba's?

Favourite teachers...

Well, I got a higher in Business Management,

thanks to this woman right here - Miss Donnan.

PUPILS CHEER

And I got higher English, as well. Is Mr Ford still here?

-PUPILS SHOUT

-Do you remember Mr Ford?

There's a guy in the back row with a similar haircut.

Can we see? Can you stand up, sir?

-This guy right here.

-HE LAUGHS

We've got a Mr Ford tribute act up there!

Well, St Peter The Apostle, it's been good being back at my old school,

even though it's been demolished,

rebuilt and then renamed!

Good luck with your higher exams. Good luck for the future.

Take care of each other. Peace and love. Thank you.

'Making people laugh was my main ambition at school, so I've found my true vocation.'

Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen!

'I may have wasted my time at school,

'but for a couple of days at least, I excelled myself in woodwork...

-Kevin, are you all right?

-Shush. Working, Miss.

'..I got gunged by a TV legend...

This could get messy! Are you up for that?

'..and laughed at the small things that used to feel so important.'

Pubes. Pubes was such a huge thing at school!

'For me, school's out. Home time.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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