Travel Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?

I'm Kevin Bridges, and this is my new, wee telly show -

Kevin Bridges - What's The Story?

As a stand up comedian,

I'm often asked how I come up with my material.

I'm not actually asked that often.

But I've been asked once by my next door neighbour, and now by the BBC.

So here we are. In this series I'll go behind the jokes,

showing you the real life stories behind my comedy routines.

This episode - Travel.

Travel sounds a lot more intriguing than it actually is, for me,

because I've never been travelling in the proper Expedia sense of

"Guys, why don't we spend our gap year

"yak wanking in the Himalayas?"

There's a difference.

There's travelling, in that you spend some time in a new part of the world,

meet the people, learn the language, immerse yourself in the culture.

And then there's travelling in that you save up a grand,

go to Spain for two weeks,

and come back with a bottle of absinthe and chlamydia.

Package holidays with my mum and dad were my first experiences of foreign travel.

Every year, thousands of us head south,

away from the misery of a wet summer,

to sample the sunshine abroad.

And like all special occasions, we like to do it in style.

Summer time's approaching. Holiday time's coming up.

Anybody going on holiday?

CHEERING

Woo! Yeah!

LAUGHTER

The carnage starts before you even leave your own country,

on the plane, about to leave. That's when you see chaos on a plane.

Guys just, like, swinging their T-shirts around their head on the plane.

LAUGHTER

There's always one guy, delayed.

He's getting the final call back in the departure lounge.

Final, final call, final call.

The whole plane's delayed.

Seatbelts fastened, waiting to go, waiting on this guy.

He finally emerges.

Front of the plane, the sombrero emerges.

LAUGHTER

And rather than apologise for the inconvenience and the delay

that he's caused everybody on the plane,

he just kind of scopes the cabin to find the rest of his pals.

LAUGHTER

And shouts "Ho-ho!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Here we go!"

And the whole plane's thinking, "No chance."

LAUGHTER

"This plane better crash."

LAUGHTER

It's the kind of flights you want to see a hijacker on, on that plane.

LAUGHTER

You want to see an al-Quaeda suicide bomb attempt on that plane,

Glasgow to Palma.

LAUGHTER

You've spent the last 15 years of your life in Taliban training camps,

on the flight simulators, ready to die for a cause you believe in.

Ready to give your life for 72 virgins.

For Allah, for the jihad.

You're on that plane.

You're trying to stay focused. Must be pretty intense,

the place you need to go to inside your mind

to commit such an atrocity.

You're trying to stay concentrating,

whilst an inflatable crocodile gets smacked off the back of your head.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Gonnae pass that back up, mate? Cheers."

But the show must go on. The kamikaze headband goes on.

You're in the aisle, shouting "Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!"

Nobody bats an eyelid.

LAUGHTER

People singing, and banging the windows.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Hello" by Martin Solveig and Dragonette

I've come to Spain.

An all-year-round destination for the Brit abroad,

most of whom are craving the familiar

rather than the exotica of foreign travel.

I was here in the dead of winter to visit the city

where the package holiday was born.

Benidorm! We have arrived.

I'm struggling to believe this place is actually Spain.

We just went for dinner there.

On the menu there was a choice of bangers and mash,

roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, fish and chips, Cornish pasties.

I'm actually looking forward to going back to Scotland

where there's decent tapas bars.

So, that's dinner.

We're now heading out on the front line to see what's going down.

Wish me luck.

CHEERING

After a bit of wandering,

I bumped into some holiday-makers out for the night.

-Where are you from?

-I'm from Liverpool, me.

-Liverpool.

-Liverpool?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You going to the karaoke bar?

-Karaoke? There's loads of them.

-I like the karaoke, yeah.

It's the best thing you can hear on holiday, is a Scouser on the karaoke.

-You need to sing Katy Perry. Sing it.

-All right, Katy Perry?

BOTH SING: "Baby you're a firework Baby you're a firework."

-Say "Cheese!"

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-You always come to Benidorm?

-Yeah, 16 year.

-16 years?

You've been here, or you've come every summer?

-Every year, twice a year.

-Twice a year.

-Does it ever change?

-It has changed this year.

-What's changed?

A lot of it's changed. Different places.

You're looking for a specific change.

That's how much it's changed, you can pinpoint the one change.

-Do you like Benidorm?

-Aye, it's all right.

-It's the first time I've been here.

-Is it?

-Aye, it's all right.

-SHE LAUGHS

-It's your last!

-It's nice.

MUSIC: "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5

The UK comedy club.

"Albi Senior. The British Bulldog Of Comedy."

I could be supporting that guy in 30 years,

if it all goes wrong here.

# Take me by the tongue And I'll know you

# Kiss me till you're drunk And I'll show you

# All the moves like Jagger... #

If Scotland's sunny and nice, do you prefer Scotland to Spain?

I might do, actually.

If we had better weather back home, I probably would.

-Right. Because why?

-Sunshine.

-So that's the only thing about Spain?

-Sunshine makes you feel good.

-So Spain's just for sun? You're just using...

-Comedians.

-What?

-Comedians.

-Comedians are better in Spain?

-Yeah.

Than Scotland? Is that right?

Can we bin this guy? Let's get him covered up.

Benidorm didn't disappoint.

Loads of Brits arriving for some sun,

and on a one-way track to booze-fuelled self destruction.

I'm off the drink for the night, as tomorrow I've got work to do

and people to meet.

Benidorm in the winter was feeling like a retirement home.

I'm sure me being 25 was bringing the average age down to about 90.

But what I was looking for were families

enjoying the kind of holidays that I remember.

I went on holiday when I was younger, like seven years old.

There's a big age gap between me and my brother. So I'd need to go, seven years old,

with just me, my mum and dad. And I'd be bored on the first day.

My mum would say, "Don't worry, don't worry.

"I'll find you a wee pal."

LAUGHTER

"Don't worry, we'll find you a wee friend. We'll find you somebody to play with."

Get introduced to some other stray.

LAUGHTER

Who would come with a disclaimer.

"Kevin, this is Brandon. Brandon, he doesn't like the pool."

LAUGHTER

I'd say "Hi, Brandon." He'd say, "Hi, Kevin."

Brandon doesn't like the sunshine.

Brandon doesn't play football.

Brilliant! Two weeks in Majorca

sitting in the shade

playing Connect Four with an albino.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Holiday" by Vampire Weekend

After a bit of hunting,

I met up with one Scottish family enjoying an all-inclusive deal.

What's been the highlight of the holiday so far?

-The weather!

-Aye, sun.

-Getting away from Greenock?

-Aye.

-Getting away from the rain.

So, Joseph, you were in a bad mood before I came here. What happened?

Did you get a row?

Was it just? Did you deserve a row?

No? Good man, stick to your guns.

LAUGHTER

Did you say sorry? No? I like this guy. He's a hard man.

He's a badass.

LAUGHTER

You go on holiday. Lying round the pool, relaxing, during the day.

And here comes this guy.

With a T-shirt on, and a whistle. The leader of the kids' club.

LAUGHTER

This prick, leader of the kids' club. Blowing his whistle.

Trying to get the kids into the shallow end

for a game of water polo.

And you've got all these wee, inbred, mutant bastards.

LAUGHTER

Screaming and splashing.

Going, "Mummy!"

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"

Then there's the Scottish kids, they're just kind of floating.

LAUGHTER

They're still fucked from the night before.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Water polo, mate? Maybe some other time, eh?"

LAUGHTER

"We're not long in, mate. We just got in, man. Honestly."

LAUGHTER

"Doing two for ones in that sports cafe last night."

"I've got a throat like a junkie's carpet, man."

LAUGHTER

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Mummy! Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Ho, Dad! Ho, Dad!

"Ho, Dad!

"Ho, Brian! Give us another one of your fags, gonnae?"

LAUGHTER

You met a girlfriend? No?

How come you're going red? Is that sunburn? In the shade?

-Or are you embarrassed?

-Feeling sunburnt.

You looking forward to going home?

Aye? You not enjoyed your holiday?

-You don't know?

-All right.

-Mum and Dad going, "You better have enjoyed it, we paid serious money."

-I know.

"Don't you tell me that, you ungrateful wee shite."

LAUGHTER

That's what my mum and dad would say.

Just keep a smile on your face and tell them you've had the time of your life.

That's enough family counselling for the day. My trip to Benidorm was almost over...

MUSIC: "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean

..but not before I made my debut on Spanish radio.

Well, sort of Spanish.

Well, a very good morning, Costa Blanca,

welcome to the mid-morning hour right here at Cool FM,

and we've got a bit of a treat for you.

As promised, live in the studio,

top stand-up comedian Kevin Bridges. Hello, there!

Yes, how are you Cheryle?

-I'm fine, thank you.

-Buenos dias.

-Very good.

Very good? Probably the most Spanish that's ever been spoken in Benidorm.

SHE LAUGHS

OK, thank you very much indeed for being here.

Is that me finished? That's us done, we can go!

-Tell us exactly why you're here.

-Exactly why?

-As opposed to just why?

-Yes.

We're here to film the people on holiday,

or people who've been on holiday in the summer,

and have now returned for a court appearance.

People were very responsive, in fact.

When you walk into a mobbed pub with a camera crew.

You tended to get noticed.

We thought we'd hit the streets last night. There was a mechanical bull.

-Yes?

-It was good for the back.

-It wasn't a bull in summer.

-It wasn't a bull?

No, it was something else, which I can't possibly say on the radio.

The bull wasn't a bull in summer?

So as soon as it goes to September the first,

they phone an engineer to remove a...

Can we say phallus on the radio?

-You just have.

-Remove a mechanical phallus and replace it with a bull.

What do they do with the phallus for the rest of the winter?

-I have no idea.

-Is it in a van somewhere?

Moving on!

LAUGHTER

Let's find it!

What do you think about the culture? The Spanish way, "manana".

In Spain, you go for a sleep in the afternoon.

-Siesta.

-It's called a siesta. But in the UK if you sleep in the afternoon it's called depression.

SHE LAUGHS

-We're a bit tougher than the Spanish.

-Kevin Bridges, everybody.

We're going to take you to the top of the hour with Cliff Richard.

-Thank you.

-No problem, Cheryle, cheers for having me.

MUSIC: "Summer Holiday" by Cliff Richard

The charms of Benidorm are undeniable.

It's warm and welcoming.

Although, for me, it was lacking a bit of atmosphere.

Maybe that's what you get when you take a holiday in October.

For comedians, travel is a big part of your life,

and when we do get some time off, it's important to make the most of the holidays.

I met up with fellow stand-up Sarah Millican to talk about her travel and her holidays.

Sarah, do you remember your first ever holiday?

I remember the first holiday where we went abroad.

I was four or five, and we went to Malta.

And I'd just started to heavily get into counting things,

and I wandered along the beach on my own, cos you could, in those days,

and when I came back, my mam said "What have you seen?"

And I'd counted 93 boobs.

LAUGHTER

93. So there's a one-titted woman or man.

Maybe I was doing it in pairs. That's a lot of boobs.

-So, Malta. And that was your family, the whole family?

-Yes.

What was the last holiday you were on?

We went to a little place in Spain.

And you know when you look on Trip Advisor, and you have a little look,

and the only complaint that anybody said about the hotel

was that the area it was in was nothing like Benidorm, and we were like,

"Good! Excellent! That's exactly what we want."

In Marbella, me and three mates arrived in a nice hotel.

-Right.

-And it was the beautiful people...

-Really?

-..that'd spent three months getting ready to relax.

Three months getting stressed before they come.

-Like going on sunbeds before they go on holiday to look great.

-What's the point?

-I know.

That's an extreme version of brushing your teeth before the dentist.

Why do people get tanned before they go somewhere where they want to get a tan?

We showed up, and you could feel the whole pool going,

"Who ordered four dicks?" pretty much.

SHE LAUGHS

And I thought the only way to break the tension

was just go in hard. I took my T-shirt off and ran and did a big bomb. Right in the pool.

I don't feel brilliant in a swimming costume. I don't mind, but I don't feel brilliant.

-When I was younger I was the fat guy in a T-shirt in the pool.

-It's horrible!

-Get burnt there and there.

I saw these tiny, skinny women going in the pool,

and I thought, "I'm not going to walk in alongside one of them."

So I waited until a kid went in, cos kids are all really fat, these days,

and I watched him go in and I walked alongside him,

and everybody was looking at this nine-year-ld boy with boobs,

and they just didn't even bat an eyelid at me. You can almost go in behind them, like that.

Then you get a bit older, and you go on a holiday with our mates,

as I'm sure a few of you are doing, a few young people,

going on your first holiday with your mates.

CHEERING

That's when you see proper carnage.

You go on holiday with your mates, you confuse having a laugh

and being a major health and safety hazard.

LAUGHTER

You see groups of guys walking about the airport.

"Anything to declare?" "Aye, he's a gay boy."

LAUGHTER

That sign said, "Anything to declare?" and I said, "He's a gay boy."

This holiday's going to be mental.

LAUGHTER

Well, my boyfriend doesn't like to fly.

He gets really stressed, and it's just not worth it.

He's the most rational person in the world,

but put him in an airport and he's not happy at all.

-You scared of flying?

-No, I'm all right. I'm so good at flying that I sleep the whole time.

-I'm the same. Relax me.

-I flew business class once. Oh, my God, it was better than my flat!

But they give you noise cancelling headphones.

if you've got noise cancelling headphones on,

you fart without really knowing that you're farting.

And even though you can sort of feel that something's happening,

there's something about the air pressure, being so high up that makes you quite pumpy anyway.

-I've done that.

-And I was just cranking them out.

But everybody else has got their noise cancelling on.

I think people just wake up and go, "I think they're cooking.

"They must be cooking, cos I can smell something horrendous."

HE LAUGHS

I've done that a few times on iPods when I'm travelling.

I've removed one ear just to judge it, just to make sure, and then back in.

LAUGHTER

-Do you speak any foreign languages?

-I did French and German A-Levels.

So it's in the back there, but I don't really know where it is.

You need to get worksheets.

Couldn't find any nice restaurants in Paris, I'm sure they exist, but we kept going, like, brasseries.

It was like we asked for something sub-standard with chips, that's all we got.

The waiter looked at us, and went "Je voudrais...?" As if to say, "Let's start you off."

He was such a cocky swine.

And Gary got a bit too carried away and said it so, sort of, confidently,

and then forgot where he was, and just went "danke schoen" on the end.

And we're like, "No! You're just remembering languages from school!"

And I remembered "the bill" was "l'addition", so I said, "Can I have l'addition, please?"

Just put that one word in the middle.

SHE LAUGHS

-Well, happy travelling, Sarah.

-And you.

-I'll see you on the road.

-Absolutely.

They say travel broadens the mind.

But not if you're just eating burgers and sitting in karaoke bars.

The first step to experiencing a new culture is to learn a new language.

I was in a party with Polish people.

There was one Polish guy I was speaking to, right?

The Polish guy never spoke any English,

and I don't speak much Polish, so it became apparent

that a conversation would present some significant linguistical challenges.

LAUGHTER

Then I remembered I'd done some French when I was younger.

French. Find the common denominator with the Polish guy.

So I said, "Eh, parlez-vous francais?"

And the Polish guy says, "Oui."

I'm going, "cool."

LAUGHTER

See, "parlez-vous francais" is kind of all I've got in the tank.

LAUGHTER

But the Polish guy now thinks I speak French, so...

LAUGHTER

He's going, "Je peux avoir dans voie toilet en la bouleur?"

"Oui!"

LAUGHTER

The next day, "Who told that Polish guy he could take a shite in the kettle?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In the hope of opening up future travel options,

and maybe avoid the potential abuse of kitchen appliances,

I decided to challenge myself, and see if I could force myself to pick up some basic French.

I don't know if you've seen any of my work before, but there was a certain bit in my routine

where I was talking about being at a party with Polish people.

-Right.

-And there'd been a communication breakdown.

So I said "Je peux avoir dans la toilee en la bouilleur."

Can I have in the toilet in the kettle?

Can I have in the toilet in the kettle? So that's what I said?

-Yeah.

-Close enough.

-It's close enough, yeah. It's not that far.

And you're the first person that's seen that as a flaw. All the people that have seen that joke.

-Really?

-Only person that noticed it. Shocking lack of French knowledge.

-Do you want the real phrase?

How would I say in French "Is it OK if I take a shite in the kettle?"

It depends if you want to say "take a shite" in a kind of formal way, in a nice way?

In the formal way? As in, not in the kettle?

-OK, so.

-That's pretty informal.

-That's quite informal.

-There's very few things more informal than shitting in the kettle.

LAUGHTER

-You would say "Est-ce que je peux..."

-"Est-ce que je peux..."

-"..faire caca..."

-"..faire caca..."

-"..dans la bouilloire".

-That's a mouthful.

-So...

-"Est-ce que je peux..."

-"Esh que p..."

-"Est-ce que je peux..."

-"Esh..."

-So, one more time.

-"Est-ce que je peux..."

"Esh quo popo..."

Fine. OK. We're going to work on, like, sequencing all the words.

We're going to "ce que" - do that, "ce que".

-"Ssh que..."

-"Sss."

-"Sss."

-OK.

-"Ce que..."

-"Ce que..."

-"Est-ce que."

-"Est-ce que."

-"Est-ce que je peux..."

-"Est-ce que je peux..."

-"..faire caca..."

-"..faire caca..."

-"..dans la bouilloire."

-"..dans la bouilloire."

LAUGHTER

I'd love if one of your other students walked in and heard this.

And thought, "Right, this guy's at quite an advanced level.

"He's moved on to how to defecate in kitchen appliances."

LAUGHTER

-It's always useful.

-It's good to see a bit of progress.

-Normally he starts off with numbers games, but this guy just sailed to the top.

-I know.

LAUGHTER

Christophe, the French that I've retained is either crude stuff,

like "je veux te penetrer" and "merde" and stuff like that.

-Or stuff I've remembered through song, like the alphabet song.

-OK.

-And "Alouette, gentille alouette".

-So what would be a good song?

-Songs, I need songs.

-The days of the week.

-OK.

-Do you know the song, what's the Craig David song,

-"Took her for a drink on Monday..."

-You remember the whole song?

-I know it.

-Can you write it?

-I'll write it on the board.

-And I'll sing the song.

-You dictate it first, and I'll try and translate it.

-You mean you don't know the lyrics?

-No, sorry.

Right. "I met this girl," was it Monday?

"Je l'ai rencontre lundi."

"Je l'ai rencontre lundi."

And then he took her for a drink on Tuesday, I believe.

Then they were making love on Wednesday.

-OK.

-And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday.

On a fait l'amour.

KEVIN LAUGHS

And then they chilled on dimanche.

-OK. So we're going to say "On s'est relaxe."

-"On s'est relaxe."

-OK.

OK?

-Tu peux chanter, OK?

-Need to get the beat going.

-SINGS:

-# Didn't she mind? #

"Je l'ai..." Right.

# Je l'ai rencontre lundi

# Je l'ai invite a boire une verre mardi

# On a fait l'amour mercredi, jeudi, vendredi, samedi

# On s'est relaxe dimanche. #

-How was that?

-Tres bien!

-Bada-bing. Here's to Craig David.

-Christophe. Merci.

-Merci.

-Beacoup.

I'll need to extend my vocabulary beyond days of the week

if I'm going to get anything worthwhile from my chosen second language.

But this episode isn't just about being abroad in foreign travel.

It's about the travelling you do every day to get from A to B.

And for me, there's only one form of transport.

I'm a bus guy. I still take public transport. I'm a bus guy.

I take one of the... You know every areas got their rough bus?

You know one of they kind of Glasgow safaris that you get?

LAUGHTER

The number 40 bus.

CHEERING

It runs from Clydebank to Easterhouse.

CHEERING

Via Drumchapel.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's as if they went, "Clydebank to Easterhouse?

"I'm not sure that's mental enough."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We better stick this through Drumchapel.

LAUGHTER

It's the only bus I've seen three generations of the one family

get on for a half fare.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The bus remains my top choice when it comes to transport.

I like sitting on a bus, just observing

and reflecting on life going by the window.

Even when there's a little turbulence on the journey,

on some of the city's more vibrant routes.

It's been a while since I took the bus, but I was hoping to see

if I could find out if any fellow travellers had some tales to tell

of their time spent out on the front line of public transport.

Hi, mate. Single, please.

-We've got Nial. Where are you from, Nial?

-York.

-York. Welcome!

-Thank you very much.

-Welcome aboard.

Is this your first time on the 40 bus?

No, I've been on the 40 bus, unfortunately, one time before. And it wasn't so good.

-What happened?

-I was sat on the bus, as you would, and I was reading. And this guy sat down next to me.

-And he wasn't suspicious looking at all.

-Was the bus busy?

-It was very busy, it was about five o'clock.

So we were going for five minutes, then I smelled something. And then I heard something drip on the floor.

-I think I've figured it out. Was it a one or a two?

-It was a one.

-That's better.

-So, basically, I went "Are you OK?"

-"Are you OK?"

-He was like, "what are you talking about?"

-I was like "You've just had an accident, do you want to stop the bus?"

-So he was denying it?

Yeah. Then he went to me "Have you wet yourself?"

-I was like, "No, I've not."

-Starting to accuse you?

Yeah, and everyone on the bus obviously turns round and stares,

-and I end up having to get off four stops early.

-Stared at you?

-Yeah.

-So you walked off the bus, defeated?

-Yeah, I couldn't handle the shame

of being known as guy who'd wet himself, and tried to blame someone else.

-You've been had by the professional pant pisser.

-Exactly.

-Taxis in future, Nial.

-Yes.

There we go. Nial.

There was a wee guy in a shell suit and a Santa hat used to come on,

and he was taking the orders for the Christmas thieving, you know?

-The Christmas thieving?

-Aye.

Cos they don't go Christmas shopping, Christmas thieving.

-It's a sort of tradition.

-Christmas shoplifting.

This little guy gets on.

He actually starts laying right into the bus driver,

then he goes and stands right in front of the bus,

and won't let the bus move off.

So he's just stood there, screaming and shouting.

BELL RINGS

Did you get his name?

I got his number. No, I'm kidding on.

-KEVIN LAUGHS

-No, I didn't get his name, no.

Not a bad place to stop my probing,

and take a look at our journey's end.

My holiday in Benidorm proved that family holidays haven't changed much.

That's how much it's changed, you can pinpoint the one change.

My attempts to learn French took an unexpectedly musical turn.

# On s'est relaxe dimanche. #

And I shared some of the pitfalls of air travel with a fellow comedian.

You fart, without knowing that you're farting.

So there you go.

Travel has broadened my mind. Thank you, merci, gracias, obrigado.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.