Lifestyle Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?

I'm Kevin Bridges and this is my wee telly show,

Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?

As a stand-up comedian, I'm often asked how I came up with my material.

Not really that often am I asked, but I've been asked. Twice.

Once by a lifeguard and now by the BBC, so here we are.

This series I'll go behind the jokes

and show you the real-life stories behind my comedy routines.

This episode - lifestyle.

This programme contains some strong language

The general consensus is that we live in a society obsessed

with what we eat, what we wear, how we look.

I don't preoccupy myself too much with style and material goods

because I don't have the patience.

Life's too short for salon haircuts and cross-trainers

and shop changing rooms.

I want to see if there's better ways to stay healthy and look cool.

You walk in somewhere trendy like Topshop for a pair of jeans.

Somewhere trendier than that maybe, River Island.

Walk into River Island and some -

you know the sales assistants that work in these places -

some indie band freak show that comes bouncing across to serve you.

They've got that kind of, "Hey, man, yeah, woo!"

Telling you to chillax.

"Everybody just chillax, man!" Anybody ever told you to chillax?

They took the word, "chill," and the word, "relax," and combined them

to make ironically the most infuriating word there's ever been.

They come bouncing over, this guy.

They've got that kind of energy and enthusiasm

that oozes from people who've never been punched in the face.

But you require this guy's assistance.

You're in Topshop, they sell jeans. You're in Topshop, you need jeans.

You have to say, "Excuse me, mate. Can I try on these jeans, please?

"In a 36 inch waist."

His enthusiasm...

Was that you? Good to see you again. Right, 36 inch.

Try a 38!

Try a 38?

Fuck you, man.

APPLAUSE

Asked the guy, try the jeans on in a 38 inch waist. Good call.

Shut it.

38 inch waist.

Regardless, 36, 38 inch waist.

You say to the guy, "Can I try these jeans on in a 40 inch waist?"

38 inch waist and the guy, his enthusiasm just drains.

He looks at you appalled.

You know that way you would look at somebody

if they just took a shite in your kettle.

Clothes shopping makes my blood boil. Annoying music, annoying staff

and sizes that don't really cater for the shape of a real guy.

My bad experiences of buying jeans are genuine

but I've heard there is a man who could help bail me out.

-Rabii.

-How you doing, sir?

-Rabii Denim, is that what it says?

Looks like Rabbi Denims.

When I seen the sign I thought you were catering to a niche market.

-No, no.

-You only make denims for Rabbis.

I find shopping quite a stressful experience,

especially for jeans. You walk in,

you go in the changing room, you've got your nice loose-fitting jeans on.

You need to try on a brand new pair and they're just too tight.

I need a pair of jeans made.

I'm your man. Take your jacket off, right.

Then I can get your measurements basically. Lift up your top.

-That's us, mate.

-Need to get my gut in.

-Oh no, don't hold your gut in. Right, you're a 40.

-40 inch!

40 inch, which basically means you're a 36 in the shops.

-These jeans are a 36.

-That's right, then.

-You're always four inch bigger than the shop's size.

-Right.

Any pupil with an eating disorder watching, you're actually...

You're actually fatter than what you are.

Right, Kev, don't be scared.

It's not my finger, it's a bit of brass.

-Hold that exactly there.

-What are you measuring here?

Your front rise to your middle seam here.

You're measuring my front rise?

-Aye, front rise, mate. Right the way around, you're 65.

-65.

That's a big rise!

Quite a small front rise, mate.

Is that one of the smallest front rises you've ever seen?

No, that's quite average, mate.

So, 64 take away 27...

-So I need to pick one of these?

-Aye.

I'll take that one right at the bottom there.

-What is that, pink and yellow?

-Pink and yellow, my man. No.

No? How come?

-No, just...

-I thought I had the choice.

You should have said I've got the choice of all of these except the one you want.

-Have you got pink and yellow?

-Mm-hmm.

It's 2012. You need to broaden your mind, Rab.

Here, I'm in touch with my feminine side, man.

You need to target the pink pound if you want this business to work.

You ever refused anybody's request other than mine?

One rapper guy came in and he wanted his name all the way down.

Can't even remember his bloody name. Seriously. J-Dog, I don't know.

-J-Dog?

-Something like that.

-Can I get K-Dog? My rap name.

-Whatever you wanted, aye.

-Pair of K-Dog jeans.

-Right, next week.

Next week. What a man, thank you. Looking forward to seeing them.

Nae bother. Cannae wait. Cannae wait, man.

In a week's time, I'll own a pair of bespoke jeans for the same price

I could have had a two-week holiday in the Algarve,

but I've avoided the shops for another year.

This could potentially save me from having to visit

some of the high street's less than salubrious stores.

So I started shopping in a proper shit-hole clothes shop.

You don't get judged in a proper shit-hole clothes shop.

I was in a place called Dunnes Stores.

I've got a theory about clothes shops.

I find in a clothes shop, the cheaper the clothes,

the more aggressive the customer.

Anybody ever done that thing, you've been in a shop

and you confuse another shopper for being a member of the staff?

You go to ask them a question and they go, "I don't actually....

"I don't actually work here."

And you go, "Haha, I thought you worked here,"

and you both share a chuckle and move on.

Finished. However, in Dunnes Stores, it's no laughing matter.

The cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer.

Tensions run through the roof in these kind of places.

I was in this dump when a guy said to me,

he said, "Excuse me. Excuse me.

"Excuse me, buddy!"

"How much? How much are these?"

And I said, "Ha,

"I don't actually work here, buddy."

He said, "That's not what I fucking asked you."

My lifestyle plays a big influence on my wardrobe and on my image.

But would that all change if I could reach my physical peak

and get nearer to my ideal weight, whatever that is.

I'm hoping that giving boxing a shot might keep me interested

long enough to get fit and rather than start at the bottom...

How you doing, Ricky?

I arranged a sparring session with double world champion Ricky Burns.

-How you doing?

-Aye, no bad.

-Good to meet you, champ.

-How's yourself?

Aye, no bad, man. Are you at your peak just now?

Obviously, the fight was a couple of weeks ago so I've let myself go.

-This is you let yourself go?

-I'm still in reasonable condition.

-I was gonnae say, unacceptable.

-When you're starting back,

starting from scratch, it's amazing how fast

-your fitness level drops.

-You say starting from scratch.

This is starting from scratch.

Your favourite subject at school?

P.E.

P.E. Same here, man.

I was always the fat guy that brought in a note.

"Please excuse Kevin from volleyball. He's fucked off to the chip van."

That's what P.E. stood for, for me - "Please Excuse."

I'll put these on and then we'll hit the bags.

Before I step into the ring with the champ,

I need a few tips on how to hit a bag from Ricky's trainer, Billy Nelson.

Want to show him how it's done, Ricky. Body shot.

Right, Kevin. That's what you've got to look forward to...

Just that noise and then it's level with my nuts.

Imagine getting one of them right in the balls.

Turn it round, that's it. That's it.

So as when you're punching, all the force is going up your arm.

If you were to punch it like that, if you never connected

on the bag properly you could damage your wrist.

-I've got very strong wrists.

-I believe you have.

Years of practice.

-One, two.

-I've been working on my wrists since I was 13.

-Right, left, right.

-Don't say right, left, right.

Talk to me in PlayStation terms. X, Circle, L2, Square.

Right.

-Ah!

-See.

-Forgot to turn the glove.

-You forgot to turn your glove.

-That's that strong wrist of yours away again.

-That's done my wrist.

I'm going to need to try to find a girlfriend now.

Come on in, Kevin.

After five minutes of training on a punch bag,

I am then invited into the ring to do a bit of supervised sparring with Ricky.

Would you feel confident, Ricky,

if you seen a guy getting into the ring like that?

-Would you think he was maybe hustling you?

-Let's do this!

I'm lethal when I'm on the ropes. That's when I'm most dangerous.

Interesting tactics here. Muhammad Ali-esque.

Just going to tire you out.

He's losing on points, he's got to go for the knockout here.

Don't know if I can take much more of them.

-Up you get.

-And still the new overweight champion of the world!

-Well done, man. You done excellent, well done.

-Think I've got a future?

-The potential is there.

-I'm the fans' fighter.

Done that for you guys at home.

I'm not sure if I'll ever develop the self-discipline needed

for any kind of long-term fitness.

When it comes to fitness and healthy living, I always see it as something

that feels good at the time but for the long run, is it really worth it?

People have got flawed perceptions of their size and it works in a few different ways.

I'll use women as an example here.

You know you get girls who are skinny and they think they're a bit chubby.

Girls who are chubby think they're fat.

Fat girls think they're obese

and then obese girls think they're supermodels.

They're the happy people.

They're the ones hanging out of limousines on a Friday night.

Going, "Aaaahhhh!"

The driver's going, "Can you lean in, please?

"You're gonnae fucking tip this thing."

They're the first ones on the karaoke. They're the happy people.

Even though my comedy is based on observation,

there are some things I've never actually experienced.

How are we doing, ladies? All aboard the Bonkers Bus.

I have to take an educated guess at what really happens

when women go out together.

Nae nonsense, girls. It's party time. I feel terrified.

Tonight, I'll find out what women really get up to

when they get all dressed up for a night out on a bus.

How we doing? A big hand for Dave, first of all.

Let's hear some cheering for Dave, the driver.

-The driver of the Bonkers Bus. Where am I sitting?

-Here, darling.

That'll do you, that's your type.

What is everybody drinking?

-Brut champagne.

-Is that a home-brew?

I love how you're pouring it out of a two-litre bottle into a champagne glass.

Trying to upgrade to some level of class there.

So we don't know what we're celebrating, just having a drink on the bus.

-Just a night out with you.

-Just a night out with me!

What's that?

INAUDIBLE BANTER

I can't even hear what anybody's saying.

Just like 16 smoke alarms going off.

You'd better not have a mental boyfriend who's gonnae come and shoot me.

You ever clicked on a computer and you've had a sort of virus and there's loads of pop-ups.

You're trying to click close, close, close

and your head's about to explode.

That's what I feel like. I need to hit CTRL-ALT-DELETE on my brain.

One 25-year-old guy in the midst of 15 women charged up

for a night up on the Bonkers Bus.

After 20 minutes, there is only one loser.

My head is frazzled.

Cheers! Respect!

Home time.

Home time on a Saturday night usually involves

a journey into the world of deep-fried, high fat, salty,

barely edible food but I'll avoid that temptation...for now, anyway.

I'm not denying the dangers of a bad diet

but it's also human nature to want to indulge yourself.

I'm heading to one of Glasgow's better restaurants to enjoy

a gourmet version of a favourite childhood delicacy of mine,

a deep-fried pizza in batter,

known locally as a pizza crunch.

At school I used to be eligible for a dinner ticket and anybody who

was eligible for a dinner ticket refused to use it

as a matter of pride, there was only the people who weren't eligible,

they would buy your dinner ticket, so I would always sell mine for a quid.

Well, that sounds quite good.

Aye, and then I would go to the chip van.

You'll go far.

Aye, a business brain.

Then I used my pound to buy a pizza crunch and chips.

-Right.

-So that was five days a week.

-Ooh!

-Right through school, eating a deep-fried pizza and chips.

It's remarkable you've kept that athletic form.

I know.

We're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.

I don't know if I've got fat people in the room, any fat people in?

CHEERING

I'm a little bit rotund, myself. I don't mean I'm fat,

I'll give myself chubby, I'm not documentary fat.

LAUGHTER

Never going to turn on Channel 4 on a Tuesday night

and see a guy like me.

'Tonight we meet the 14 stone man.'

That looks disgusting!

Did you watch that about that 14 stone man last night? Shocking.

Showed this guy who couldn't even do 20 minutes on the treadmill.

It showed you this guy having his dinner, he had a gammon steak

and oven chips and then he had five Jaffa cakes

and a Penguin.

14 stone! It's on again next week, the guy is shocking.

I'd never heard of a pizza crunch until two years ago

and I was in a chip shop in Glasgow Cross at one o'clock in the morning

and this woman who was pretty sozzled came in

and asked for a pizza crunch

and I didn't know what she was talking about

and I saw them dipping this thing in the batter and frying it

and out came a thing the size of a bin lid.

She starts tearing lumps off it.

They will sell them in quarters but...

No, she got the whole thing!

Was she a looker?

The pizza crunch looked better.

Less greasy.

So that's what we're going to make?

We're going to make a pizza crunch supper.

We're going to get the chips on first.

Chips are on.

And we're going to take a pizza

and just drop that in there

and just drop a wee scallop in here

and a wee Italian sausage or two, there we are.

-How fast is that?

-Is that us? Literally fast food.

Just about, yeah.

We have a bit here...

OK.

It does look unbelievable, Guy.

Let's just finish it with a wee bit of lemon.

Get some fruit on there!

Because this is the posh one, and a wee bit of parsley.

You know what, look at the difference that has made now.

-Take this through?

-I think you should before it gets cold.

Here we go, heart attack coming through.

-I could lose a tooth, you know that?

-Ha-ha!

-Pretty crunchy.

You'll always get something from the tooth fairy.

I don't know what to say but the grease, already!

That's lovely. Probably the best piece of crunch I've tried this week.

-I'm delighted to hear that.

-It's my first piece of crunch in a while.

I've actually been eating quite healthy but if you're coming back,

you may as well do it in style. A welcome return.

Guy, you've been a pleasure to work with, for obvious reasons.

but thanks a lot for cooking it up.

I'm looking forward to the cameras going away

and I don't need to eat with decorum

and I can just get in about it like a gannet

Well done to Guy for managing to revolutionise

and de-stigmatize the pizza crunch. As I said, I'm not too bothered

with the fashion and fitness fads

but I know a guy who's now described as a bit of a style icon.

I met with my friend and fellow comedian, Jack Whitehall,

to talk about lifestyles and compare notes, man to man.

So how do you keep in shape, Jack?

No carbs after six. That's not true.

-It's impossible to ask to a man.

-How do you keep fit?

Jack, tell me, how do you maintain your body?

The only way to make that gayer is going, "What's your secret?"

I remember I met a guy I went to school with in the canteen in the BBC

and he's an electrician but he did mixed martial arts,

cage fighting, stuff like that.

I said, "Do you want to go to the canteen for lunch?"

And he goes, "No, you cannae put diesel in a Ferrari engine."

Amazing!

What kind of sports did you play at school? Dressage and fencing?

I did not do dressage and fencing.

-Polo?

-No, not polo.

I did, like, normal sports like fox hunting and stuff like that.

-Beagling.

-Beagling!

Beagling is like fox hunting but without the horse.

Do you exercise? What's your exercise of choice?

Football? Do you play for a team? Just five-a-side?

That kind of guy. I play five-a-side

cos I'm the kind of guy who'll just go for the shower.

Everybody plays five-a-side with somebody. They don't just stay

in the goal the whole game, as soon as the game finishes they start

whipping people on the arse with a towel.

Where do you shop for clothes? You like tight stuff, don't you?

-I love my tight stuff!

-Tight jeans.

-Tight jeans, but I never used to

wear tight jeans, I always used to just wear tracksuits and stuff.

I hate buying clothes, I never really do it.

I send my sister or a girlfriend to go and do it for me

and always ask to get given clothes cos I'm not naturally very stylish.

What else, the trainers? I see, all right.

-Big shoes.

-A bit US basketball court?

-Yeah.

I always get the pointy ones that have loads of space at the end

so it makes you look like you've got bigger feet than you actually have.

Is that something people strive for, bigger feet?

Yeah, there's the phallic reference, I think, helps with women.

If a woman sees a man with really long pointy feet,

she suspects that his penis will be long and pointy.

-Is that true?

-Yes, your shoe, for example,

they'd think your penis was sort of comfortable and...

-Size 10?

-Yes, nice size but also very comfortable and easy going.

This is the sort of thing you can detect just by looking at these?

Right, I look around the room, all the people, I can tell,

-What about the cameraman?

-Durable, a durable penis.

It's going to last a long time,

no matter what you do with it. Good in rough terrain as well.

How long's it take you to get ready in the morning?

Not that long. I don't wear deodorant!

You don't?

-No, not really.

-Why?

It's a big, it's a big call, you don't wear deodorant?

Not out of choice but I'm not like one of those people

who's spraying and waxing and doing all those sort of...

You're not one of these people who just goes...that's how long it takes?

-Maybe, just a little.

-So you wear deodorant?

I was watching a documentary about animal testing,

about toiletries and cosmetic products that get tested on animals

and it was showing you these horror stories about animals getting

badly burnt and disfigured. It was pretty distressing shit, right?

But I'm quite a positive guy, I'm watching this thinking,

what about the happy stories about cosmetic tests.

What about the tests that were successful?

The toiletries and beauty products that made it to the market.

I want to turn on the TV and see the two chimpanzees

in a laboratory cage saying, "You're smelling good, Chico!"

LAUGHTER

Is that Lynx Africa?

Bom, bom, chica, wow-wow!

Jack, cheers for giving us an insight into your lifestyle fashion choices and exercise.

Thanks, if you every want to go clothes shopping, let me know.

-Is it your sister that goes?

-We can go with her.

-All right.

If I want to go clothes shopping, I'll phone your sister.

-Does that sound offensive?

-It did.

-Don't phone her, just call me.

-I'll get hold of her.

-I'll go to your sister via you.

-Yeah. Just stay away from her.

Stay away from your sister, right?

-Anyway, cheers for your time, Jack.

-Thanks.

After the manly get together and shop and talk with Jack,

it was time to see if my first venture into the world

of personal tailoring would be a success or a failure.

-Rabii, I'm back.

-How are you doing?

-Good, what's been happening? You're burning the jeans?

-I am, basically.

When did you...what happened to you, man? Look at your appearance.

-You look...

-French? For Movember.

You've been advertising for Dolmio?

-Can I try them on, have you got a changing room?

-Aye.

-Is it a genuine changing room?

-No. It's actually a toilet.

The facilities, Rabii, how much am I paying for these again?

-Everybody else pays £300, I pay, what, £500?

-£500.

-Mates rates.

-Aye.

Good man. All right. I'll try them on.

Right, ready to see me, Rabii?

Aye. You've impressed me.

A bit of a struggle on the way up.

-Like here.

-Uh-huh.

-But I think that's my own problem.

-Once they're on, what do you think?

-You measured me a while ago.

-Good?

-Oh, yes.

They need to survive my wee routine, though.

Just your standard squats, stuff like that.

That's a big test cos I've seen men in a pair of jeans burst open

at that test and many embarrassing conversations with sales assistants.

Looking good.

Are you happy with your K.Dog?

It's the star attraction, look at that. How do I wash them?

You need to actually wear them for about a month or so

before you wash them.

A month? Aye. A month? Don't wash for a month?

Aye, some jeans you're not supposed to wash them for six months.

What's the best way to wash them?

In the washing machine, cold, by themselves.

-In a month's time?

-Yeah.

Unless you soil yourself or...

I've got a pretty weak bladder.

Aye, soon as you piss yourself, then, get them washed.

So don't wash for a month, subject to pissing my pants?

Aye, basically.

If the washing instructions are anything to go by,

then I've not been missing much in the excusive world of high fashion.

And looking at lifestyle, I've traded blows with a world champ

but I still struggle with fitness.

-The new overweight champion!

-Well done, mate.

I've compared grooming and fashion tips with a good buddy of mine.

What's your secret?

And no matter how much I try to resist,

I'm helpless to the lure of a gourmet pizza fried in batter.

Probably the best pizza crunch I've tried this week.

My lifestyle report,

"Kevin continues to make some progress but he could do better."

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd