Big Issues Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?

I'm Kevin Bridges

and this is my wee telly show, Kevin Bridges, What's the Story?

As a stand up comedian, I'm often asked how I come up with my material.

Erm, I'm not really asked that often. I've been asked twice.

Once by a guy at my front door collecting window cleaning money

and now by the BBC.

This series I'll go behind the jokes and show you the real life stories behind my comedy routines.

This episode - Big Issues.

This programme contains some strong language.

Laughter in the face of adversity is a powerful tool.

A pretty profound statement for the opening of the show.

In this episode I'll be tackling big issues like unemployment and violence.

Contentious issues like religion and politics.

Complex issues that require a razor sharp mind, a razor sharp mind like mine.

This is where it all goes serious.

"Can we be serious for a minute, guys?"

There will be jokes, but big jokes. Jokes in places you never thought there could be jokes.

The BNP, this year they get forced to allow non-white people to join the BNP.

I thought that was pretty cool. I'd encourage people from every ethnic group to join the BNP.

-Let's ruin their party.

-LAUGHTER

I'd love to live in a country where the white supremacists are black.

LAUGHTER

I'm supposed to be racist. Who's this guy? How is he in my team?

LAUGHTER

I feel sorry for asylum seekers. Their applications get expelled,

they get accused of lying - lying about being in danger.

If someone's prepared to travel thousands of miles

in the back of a lorry, starving themselves for weeks,

risking their lives at the border controls just to get a council flat in Sighthill,

something's frightening the shite out of them.

LAUGHTER

Every Saturday, myself and a few of the fellas play football,

and one of the team isn't a native to Scotland.

Eugene Kavira came to Glasgow as a 15-year-old

after fleeing from the horrors of war in Africa.

I met him at a benefit show I was performing for the Red Cross and he's been my pal ever since.

He's got a reputation as a midfield hard man

due to his reckless tackling.

I seen three horror tackles.

Trust me, I never caused any casualties, did I?

-What's your nickname at football? What do we call you?

-LAUGHTER

It's your name, but what are the two words before the name?

-GLASWEGIAN ACCENT:

-Fuck sake, Eugene!

-I first met you at my gig. Red Cross - I was doing my bit.

-Doing your bit.

-Free of charge.

And you can probably tell why I wanted to meet you. I heard you during the gig.

I just said, "Good evening."

And then I just seen somebody rolling on the deck laughing.

I thought, "I need to meet this guy, take him to every single gig."

You came from the Congo, you moved here when you were 15. Did you speak English?

Not at all. When I moved over I didn't speak any English at all.

Now I speak Swahili, French and English.

I don't think I can say anything in Swahili. How do you say hello?

-Erm, jambo.

-Jambo.

-You say jambo?

-And then someone will say jambo back, or habari.

-Habari? What does that mean?

-Just, like, hello.

So it's jambo and barry? Two guys' names?

LAUGHTER

Is that how that started?

Maybe it doesn't mean hello.

Just one day in Africa there was a guy called Jambo and a guy called Barry.

-"Jambo." "Barry."

-That's it.

-LAUGHTER

There's a lot of negative media, headlines and stuff,

about the cost of refugees and asylum seekers.

Are people just being ignorant? Did you ever experience any racism?

I've seen some of my friends experiencing racism.

-Just verbal, or...?

-Verbal abuse or sometimes physical.

-Seriously?

-Seriously.

But me, personally, I've never been a victim of racism because I just rise above it.

You're too positive. If you're in the wrong place at the wrong time and there's a couple of idiots

-there's nothing you can do.

-That's right.

We had a bit of racial animosity in this city, in Glasgow,

when we got our terrorist attack. Remember that?

I witnessed this first hand on a train going down south.

Just me sitting here and a middle aged guy sitting along a bit.

A couple of stops later a woman of Asian appearance boarded the train

and sat beside the middle aged guy

who immediately stood up and walked away.

You ever seen that film, Snakes on a Plane?

This was Jakes on a Train. That's funny.

LAUGHTER

The middle aged guy stood up and just walked away

-and sat beside...me.

-LAUGHTER

He started to nudge me.

You know, that way a scumbag presumes you're also going to be a scumbag.

Nudging me and he's pointing

and he said, "I don't fancy sitting beside her, pal. No chance.

"She'll be one of them suicide bombers.

"I'm taking no chances.

LAUGHTER

"I can see your logic here, mate.

"You thought she might be a suicide bomber so you came and sat four seats away."

LAUGHTER

Seriously underestimating the power of Semtex.

LAUGHTER

"Do you think she's got a stink bomb?"

LAUGHTER

"This is the Jihad for Allah!"

"Oh, it's fuckin' boufin', hen!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what's your future? Do you see you living the rest of your life in Scotland?

-You've got a job. You're working as a nurse.

-Yes. I enjoy my job.

The bigger picture is that I want to do medicine next.

Imagine you were my doctor.

I had to come in and say, "Doctor, I've got haemorrhoids."

He'd just go, "Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

My future is to go to Africa to do some charity work.

Try and establish a charity in the Congo

to try and help young people gain jobs and help them or prevent them joining malicious groups.

-That's my future.

-Good man.

-That's what I want to do.

-Very selfless.

That's how you have got to live your life,

especially if you've come across real good people who have made a difference in your life.

-So...

-You're grateful for the assistance you've been given and you want to repay people.

-Eugene, cheers for talking,

-Cool, big man.

-Good game.

-Good game, man.

-Argh!

-All right, cool. Don't be a baby. Toughen up!

-Tell me when it gets sore.

-Oh!

-When was the last time you stood in dog shit?

-LAUGHTER

Getting to know Eugene helps me stay positive about life

and it reminds me not to take it all too serious.

Having faith in people is no bad thing, but when it comes to having faith in a higher power...

I'd like to believe in something. You don't live and then die and that's it.

I'd like to believe there's something bigger.

You think, where's the evidence? If there is a God, why is there so much evil?

Why is there famine, corruption, greed, stuff like that?

Maybe you need to make up your own theories.

I've combined a bit of religion and a bit of atheism and came up with my own conclusions.

Maybe God created the world but then he fucked off.

LAUGHTER

He's God. He's going to have more than one property, isn't he?

LAUGHTER

Maybe we've got the place to ourself.

We've got an empty. This is the world.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And like all good empties, it's got a bit out of hand.

That's why you've got terrorism, corruption, greed.

Maybe God will come back one day and go, "Look at the fucking state of this place."

LAUGHTER

Everybody get out.

LAUGHTER

World leaders and corrupt bankers shuffling out the door going,

"Sorry. We never thought you were coming back. Sorry about the mess."

The Pope sitting there. The Pope knows he's getting grounded.

LAUGHTER

"I'll speak to you in a minute, Pope."

LAUGHTER

I'd like to believe there's something more than the one life we have.

I'm happy to be convinced either way.

I headed to London to meet up with comedian Jack Dee

to talk about his take on the weighty subjects of faith and religion.

And we began with the basics.

Do you describe yourself as a Christian?

I don't, because I don't describe myself as that.

I'd say, if anything, I'm an agnostic Christian.

It sounds daft but that's how I would feel.

I don' relate to any Christians I know

because most of the Christians I've met are a pain in the arse.

You're know for your dead pan, laid back, relaxed, excellent stand up,

also the brilliant Lead Balloon and you're Jack Dee, but it could have been different.

-You once considered becoming a priest.

-I was a bit of a lost soul in my early twenties.

I just didn't know where I was going or what I was heading for.

I mistakenly thought I might enter the priesthood.

One of the strange things about that decision

was that I actually didn't go to church.

You were going to try and go in at a higher level.

-I wanted to be fast-tracked.

-An executive position(!)

-There was an interview.

-Yeah, there was an interview with the Director of Ordinands

and it took him a couple of minutes to work out he had a non-starter.

Do you find any similarities to being a stand up?

And being a priest?

There's a degree of theatre in church.

I think, most of all, I wanted to be listened to.

I wanted to stand up and say something and people to listen.

Do priests get listened to? I always find it hard.

You hear the chapel say "Amen" at the end - I always miss the cue.

I would have been listened to.

I wouldn't have taken any crap from anyone.

-The priest who takes no shit.

-Yeah.

You need to be quite prolific. A new sermon every Sunday.

-You're writing five to ten minutes a week.

-I would try it out on a Saturday night somewhere.

-A little church somewhere.

-A Catholic church somewhere.

Just pop up somewhere, do five minutes, and then hit them with it on the Sunday.

-Christmas, that's your big break.

-That's the one.

And then the DVD, of course.

THEY LAUGH

You know the big debate between religion and science?

Atheism's becoming quite cool in 2010.

The big debate between religion and science.

I would always take religion, purely on a basic level.

Remember at school, science was quite difficult?

LAUGHTER

You had to read stuff and remember stuff.

Whereas religious was a skive.

Just some guilt-ridden middle aged woman reading passages from the Bible

at a class full of hyperactive adolescents

that's pissing themselves laughing at something that's been drawn on the blackboard.

-What's your favourite hymn?

-Shockingly, the one that always reduces me to tears

is Jerusalem.

I think the tune is so incredible

but I struggle with those lyrics every time because they're not very nice.

I like, what's it called...

# Light up the fire Let the flame burn

# Open the door... #

That's not a hymn. That's Cliff Richard, innit?

-What are you talking about?

-They sing it at chapel.

I've sang it on many a drunken night out as well.

That's not proper church.

I was an altar boy as well. That was only for the money.

-You used to get paid.

-Yeah.

A fiver for every funeral.

I used to get the newspaper and look through the obituary column.

Three deaths. I'm going to the cinema.

Yes, that's a Wimpy as well.

I read an interview with you once

and you referred to the church as an elderly relative you feel you must visit.

-Yeah.

-That's a great analogy.

-That's exactly how I feel about it.

If you try and lead your life in a good way,

think of others and put others before you, at least occasionally,

that is going to be a good thing and you don't need to have any faith

to recognise that as a healthy way to live.

-An agnostic Christian? Can I be the second?

-Yeah, yeah.

I'm in charge but you can be alter boy.

We'll fight for who gets on the stage. You're in charge and I'm the altar boy?

Riddled with connotations.

I suppose new churches have to start somewhere.

We'll see how the church of Christian agnosticism gets on and if it attracts and devotees.

When it comes to drawing in the faithful, organised religion

has never been ashamed to try a few tricks.

I was at a Christian rock festival. There was a stall set up that said,

"A free toastie for all of God's children."

A free toastie(!)

I thought, shamone!

LAUGHTER

I said, "Good afternoon, sir. May I have a toastie?"

And the guy said, "Are you a Christian?"

I thought, "If I'm not a Christian, am I not getting a toastie?"

LAUGHTER

"That's very un-Christian."

And the guy crumbled under the weight of my argument.

He said, "OK, you can have cheese or cheese and ham."

I said, "Just cheese, mate, because I'm a Jew."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's how you get a free toastie off the Lord, people.

I don't mean to make light of the charity that underpins many religions.

Free food for those in need is a noble gesture and not just confined to Christianity.

There's one religion that places a lot of emphasis on free food

and free Indian food at that.

I was thrilled to give Sikhism a go.

That feels good.

That's pretty tight.

Have I got room for any expression on my face?

Maybe loosen it a little bit. I don't want to look shocked.

-Charandeep?

-Yeah.

-Is it Charan or Charn?

-Charandeep.

-Can I call you Chaz?

-Sure. If that makes you comfortable.

That's fine.

Chaz, you're going to give me a tour of the Central Gurdwara.

I've only ever been in churches and chapels.

This seems totally the opposite of what I thought a religious place of worship would be.

This is called the Langar Hall.

-Langar is food?

-Langar is free kitchen.

-Free kitchen? Free food?

-For everyone.

-Even non-Sikhs?

-Non-Sikhs alike, yeah.

Sikhism 1, Christianity 0.

I might try the Gurdwara diet. Just eat here Monday to Friday.

You'll absolutely love it.

Get some angles on it. A few trick shots.

-I'll eat that one.

-That's for you.

-It's a wee bit cremated.

We've got a very strong student population here in this Gurdwara.

I might have known the students would pop in.

Where's the microwave?

-Sit over here.

-Are we getting a table or are we on the floor?

We're on the floor, Kevin. You'll get the full experience.

-How do I sit? Legs crossed?

-Whatever's comfortable for you.

I don't think I've used that muscle in years.

My first impression of Sikhism, everyone's pretty positive.

There's a lot of people smiling, having a laugh. Kids are having a good time.

Everything seems pretty humble.

And you believe in, basically, respecting people,

-being optimistic, positive, being patient.

-Absolutely.

-Free food.

-A lot of it.

-A lot of free food.

-Is there a catch?

-There's no catch at all.

Charandeep, I'm gonna let you eat. It's been a pleasure talking to you.

Cracking. Positive young guy. Good luck for the future.

It's been enlightening and informative.

A good feed and a friendly atmosphere - a positive first impression of the Glasgow Gurdwara.

Still not entirely convinced by organised religion.

But it's always encouraging to see some community spirit

and some love in the camp.

-You know you get these sport shops that sell crossbows to alcoholics?

-LAUGHTER

And sport shops that sell 3,000 baseball bats every year, but have never sold a baseball.

LAUGHTER

The Easterhouse Red Sox have not had a game in a while.

LAUGHTER

We're still selling them equipment. They must have a hectic pre-season schedule booked.

The only security measure if you want to buy something that could be construed as a violent weapon

is you need to fill in a form leaving your name and address

so if anything happens you can be easily traced for questioning.

That's the theory. What self-respecting nutcase...

..buying a weapon with a view to committing a heinous felony would leave their real name and address?

I picture some police investigation team going through the book

and say, "Excuse me, shop owner.

"It says here you sold a samurai sword to Bert and Ernie.

LAUGHTER

"From 24, Sesame Street."

LAUGHTER

The dark side of Glasgow life has always been safe comedy territory.

Someone else who's drawn on his upbringing in Glasgow

is award-winning film maker and actor Peter Mullan.

I met up with Peter to swap a few stories about the extremes of what it's like to grow up in Glasgow.

Peter Mullan, cheers for joining me here in Glasgow,

the murder capital of Britain, according to my research here.

The most dangerous city in Scotland and, according to a recent survey,

the third most dangerous city in Europe.

We've slipped down to third place.

-You were in a gang when you were younger.

-I was in a gang when I was younger.

-We were pretty crap, to be honest.

-Pretty crap?

We did a lot of running away.

I used to love that, when you'd see gangs getting chased.

-The gang running away are shouting, "Shitebags!"

-Aye, totally. LAUGHTER

You had the big boys like the Govan team when I was a kid.

-I always thought they would have AGMs and stuff.

-Aye, galacticos.

Aye, like they would sit there and go, "On Saturday night we are now taking on the Cumby."

So they had a fixture list.

I always thought the Govan team were the heavy boys because they seemed...

they would run about in cars and they had guns.

You had firearms in the whole equation.

-Up until then it had just been basic chibs.

-Basic chibs?

Weapons of a domestic nature that you used for violent purposes further down the line.

I saw a guy one night, a big fight on a bridge, and this guy had a hoover.

-This ma's hoover...

-As a weapon?

-That was his chib. He turned up with a hoover.

All his mates were like, "You're mortifying us, man. What are you doing with a hoover?"

"Wait 'til you see what I do with this hoover."

A lot of violent crime has been in the news quite a lot.

Knife crime, gun crime, stuff like that.

I don't know the solution. There are calls for tougher sentences.

I think we need more consistent sentences.

For example, the crime, attempted murder that carries a six or seven year jail sentence

whereas murder carries a life sentence.

Why should that be different? You still tried it!

LAUGHTER

Attempted? You tried to kill somebody.

You weren't very good at it. I don't think you should get a lesser sentence,

in my opinion you should get double the sentence for making an arse of it.

LAUGHTER

One night we were in a park and somebody had recognised the guy

because he was from a different area. The crowd of guys I was with chased him.

I was actually rooting for the guy to get away.

-I thought they were going to kill him because he lived in a different street.

-Yeah.

I was just beaten by the whole scene.

It's chronic low self-esteem plus stupidity

that makes you run about thinking you are a big shot.

You have police to travel around schools giving talks

to kids about knife crime and at the end of the talks,

they give kids a sticker that says, Dennis the Menace.

Something like that. "Dennis the Menace says no to knives."

I don't mean to be cynical but if you wore a Dennis the Menace

"Say no to knife" sticker at school, there is a good chance you'd get stabbed.

LAUGHTER

I mean the ultimate image in Scotland would be a blue face, Braveheart.

I was there the very day to see that face.

Mel comes out and he looked amazing.

But you are thinking, this is one of the most handsome men in the world,

and now his gone half a blue face.

I swear to you, he was saying, too much, do you think it's too much?

Eight actors all beefed up like Scottish warriors acting like a bunch of hairdressers.

-They were going, let me see! They were touching their hair. You know?

-Aye.

A few things have changed since the days of Braveheart,

but there are still a few problems north of the border.

With Glasgow's many social problems comes unemployment and a lack of opportunity.

I was fortunate to find my own trade. But when I left school with not a lot,

there weren't many obvious opportunities.

I feel sorry for anybody unemployed. It's a tough time to go through.

I remember being in the job centre. I think job centres should be renamed the shite job centre.

You never walk by job centre and see in the window, "Forensic detective required."

LAUGHTER

"Barrister required."

It's always "Customer Service Adviser's Assistant required."

"Could you make the tea for the guy who makes the coffee?"

LAUGHTER

Hopefully, I will remain a stand-up comedian by trade for the foreseeable future

but I am curious about what job would suit me if it all goes wrong.

I don't have a plan B so I am about to be grilled by a recruitment consultant

to see where I would fit in to the jobs market.

-Hi, Kevin.

-Barry, nice to see you.

-Take a seat, make yourself comfortable.

-Cheers.

First, with some chit chat about my brief employment history.

Did you ever have a part-time job or do anything in retail?

Aye, I worked in TK Maxx. They never even gave me in uniform.

I have to bring my own red T-shirt. I was only there for two weeks.

A more lucrative offer came in for the Co-op.

Next, 52 pages of multiple choice questions.

I enjoy the companionship of others, page 1.

I enjoy competitive activities. No chance. I look to the future.

No, I live for the moment. Page 1 done.

Just another 12 hours to go. I enjoy interpreting statistics.

Interpreting statistics would clean bore the arse off me. Boring!

After analysing the results, I was about to be presented for a job

that would best utilise my skills.

-Barry!

-Hi Kevin, nice to see you. Kevin, this is my colleague, Donna.

-Hi, I'm Kevin, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Take a seat, Kevin.

-Is this the boardroom?

-This is the boardroom.

So you've took my managerial request quite serious?

We take all requests serious, Kevin.

How did I get on?

One of the other roles you may consider is being a car salesman.

I don't know anything about cars.

It's about communication skills, influencing skills,

and how you actually interact with individuals...

Would you buy a car just because the guy selling it was quite a nice guy?

-Yes.

-Would you?

-As long as the product was. People buy from people.

And that's what's important.

You'd come home with a Fiat Punto and explain that as

"He was a nice guy"?

One other thing that's come out through

the recruitment process is you might be good in the recruitment industry.

-Finding people work?

-Yes.

-How does that... Do you enjoy your job?

-Absolutely, yes.

What's it like working in recruitment during a time of mass unemployment?

Do you just sit eating biscuits and checking Facebook?

What would you would find...

"Bored." "Still bored." "15 people like this."

Be a good way to kind of halve unemployment.

Just create loads of vacancies in recruitment.

Everybody try to find people jobs and nobody's left to find jobs,

because everybody works in recruitment.

In all seriousness,

have you got anything that would just be two hours a night?

I could watch daytime TV, don't start work until 8pm, I can wear what I want.

Those types of roles are relatively limited in today's market, Kevin.

It's not the types of roles that we would work in.

Anything in particular you'd be thinking of?

Well, a professional gambler.

Certainly, the gambling market's

not one that we specialise in as a business.

Drug dealing?

There are certain legality issues with regards to that.

-I think probably comedy's the best area for you.

-All right.

-So, what, I just go?

-Yeah, that's you finished for today, Kevin.

For today? As in, I'll be back?

"You'll be back. They all come back."

We'd be more than pleased to see you again, Kevin,

but hopefully stand-up works out for you.

I'd be devastated to see you again,

cos I know I'm coming back to sell Fiat Puntos.

So I need to get funny. So it's punchlines or Puntos.

Oh. Shake your hands or just go?

Cool. Cheers for your time, thanks.

'Consultation report: job optimisation achieved.

'Redeployment unnecessary.'

'In tackling a few of the big issues,

'I got spiritual With Jack Dee...'

# Open the door, let Jesus...

That's not a hymn, that's Cliff Richard.

'Had a riot with an asylum seeker.'

HE CACKLES

'And saw that free food could be religion's most powerful tool.'

Sikhism 1, Christianity 0.

'Big issues done.'

Good night, have a great journey home, God bless. Thank you.

'Go in peace. Spread the love. Shalom.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd