A Whole Different Story Kevin Bridges


A Whole Different Story

Kevin Bridges is in a league of his own at the SSE Hydro with his stand-up show. Kevin talks economic theory, art history and diet tips.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges!

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, thank you, Glasgow!

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Saturday night, Glasgow. Thank you.

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Yes, welcome, welcome, welcome along. The Hydro. Wow!

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This place!

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Well done for coming to something. Well done, good for you. Well done.

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It's difficult, coming to something.

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I don't underestimate for a second the challenges involved.

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It's a lot of effort. I don't think we ever take the time to show

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our appreciation for the heroes in there, and the unsung heroes,

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people amongst you who organise these nights,

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people who know when shit goes on sale.

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People who sit on Ticketmaster.

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"Page cannot be displayed."

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"Server timed out."

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The people who compose that original group text,

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assembling the troops.

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The people who dare to dream that a night out could be possible.

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Sitting, dealing with people's replies trickling in,

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sucking out the enthusiasm.

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"Oh, Kevin Bridges. Aw, what night is it? Where is it?

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"How much is it? What time does it start?

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"What time does it finish? Who else is going?"

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"Who else is going" - what a snide enquiry!

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That's when the organiser's faced with the internal politics

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of the social circle.

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Your night out needs a big name to confirm.

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A headline act, an A-lister pal.

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A crackpot - Disco, Ryzo, Gnasher -

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somebody that can turn your night out into four nights out.

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"Aw, it's only Wee Scobey going, so far.

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"I know he's a wee prick, but he'll drive."

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Welcome along, front row. How are we doing? You all right?

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Looking good. What's your name, sir?

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You're not telling me? All right. That's good.

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What's his name, mate? Grass him in, since he's not telling me.

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-Johnny.

-Johnny. Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny?

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All right. It's only a comedy show, Johnny.

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You're not getting booked by the police. It's just a wee...

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Camera, right on Johnny, there.

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That's it, mate. You make him feel like shit for that.

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There we go, that's Johnny, everybody.

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Tell your name to the camera, Johnny.

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CHEERING

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Good man. Welcome along, Johnny. I like a night out. I'm...

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I'm getting to that age. I'm growing up.

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I've got mates getting married and having children.

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This is new to me. My life's changing.

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You don't get a night out as often,

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the weekend is no longer an excuse in itself.

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You don't get a night out. It's rare. But, when they happen,

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then it's a rollover and they go on far too long.

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I don't think anybody can party like the newly-married man,

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the new father. I hear One Direction singing,

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"I'm going to go crazy, crazy, crazy,"

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until they see the sun and rappers singing,

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"Going to party until six in the morning."

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all these parties that have got scheduled end times.

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That's not what happens when your mates start getting married

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and having children and you get a night out.

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They go on far too long. People don't want to go back...

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..to the life that they're creating for themselves.

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Mayhem ensues at the suggestion of a six in the morning curfew.

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Yous want to call it a night?

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'Mon to fuck, man. One more hour, the Spar's open.

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We'll go and get cans.

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The adult empty.

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It's a bleak affair, the empty, ten years on.

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Some paranoid wreck walking through your living room

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looking for a Nokia charger.

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"17 missed calls? I'd better text her."

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Highlights of a game of FIFA on the PlayStation that was finished

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about three hours ago, still playing.

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Two guys snorting cocaine,

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talking about a fight they had in primary school.

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HE SNORTS

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"Listen, I'm glad we sorted that the night, bud."

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"Me and all, mate. I was out of order that playtime.

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"I was out of order."

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35-year-old guys still using expressions like "playtime".

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"It was me that was out of order, mate.

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"I'm the one that kept throwing fizzy cola bottles at you.

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"I knew you had to be seen to be doing something about that, mate.

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"I understand. You never needed to call us a VL, but.

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"That was out of order, on your part."

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At six in the morning, Nokia guy arguing with his missus by text.

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"I told you I was having a mad one."

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His only justification, for having a mad one -

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he told her he was having a mad one.

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Then, staying on the offensive,

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"I thought you were going to your mum's to watch Strictly, anyway."

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HIGH-PITCHED: "It's six o'clock in the morning, Ryan."

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"How the fuck am I supposed to know what time Strictly finishes?"

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Then, looking at the telly, looking at the PlayStation,

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thinking it's Sky Sports.

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"Here, when did Motherwell beat Colombia?"

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"That's some result for the 'Well, isn't it?"

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"Colombia have their full team playing, aye?"

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"Wish I'd stuck money on that. Seven red cards?

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"Is there a bit of needle between them two?"

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Six in the morning.

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It's tough watching guys grow up against their will,

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watching somebody going through an old VHS case that's been used

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as a joint-rolling station for years.

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Raking through the paraphernalia, trying to find something smokable.

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"There's a bit of green in there, press my finger on that.

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"There's plenty here, gentlemen. The night is but young.

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"A bit of green stuff, tobacco, scrape that in.

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"Hairs. There's always hairs in the rolling tray.

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"I'll put the pubes in. Who gives a shit?"

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Lying there in emotional purgatory,

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trying to get a knackered disposable lighter to work,

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the only lighter in the party,

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doing big, long flicks.

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"Come on, you piece of shit!"

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Eventually, you get a bit of blue flame, and I'm going, "Yes!"

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and then the "S" blows it straight back out again.

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It's hard to watch a married man lighting a pube joint

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off the toaster.

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Are you a political man, Johnny? Oh, you don't give a shit.

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I watch it. I get into it. I like the politics.

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I've started buying the big paper.

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I never knew the big papers were as expensive.

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I just thought it would just be the same price.

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Standing in the queue at the newsagent with my pound coin,

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making plans for the change.

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"£1.80."

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"Oh, fuck. Do you take card, mate?"

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"Yeah, only if it's over a fiver."

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"Oh... Just... All right, a Daily Telegraph

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"and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate. That's...

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"I'm out of here."

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I watch it. The Tories, that's what we've got,

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reducing the deficit in the economy.

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That's what's going on. Austerity Britain, making cuts.

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AUDIENCE BOOS I watch them.

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ENGLISH ACCENT: We must work together to reduce the deficit.

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That's what's going on. Reducing the deficit.

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I read about the deficit. Do you know about the deficit, big guy?

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Do you know Britain's debt? No.

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£1.5 trillion.

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That's how much the UK owes somebody.

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£1.5 trillion.

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I don't know who the fuck we owe that to.

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But surely they've gave up on it.

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Surely...

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Surely, when it hit the trillion mark,

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they must have been having their doubts about ever seeing it back.

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I've enjoyed Greece. I like their attitude.

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That's how you treat debt.

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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They've had a great time. It's got to the end.

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Everybody's on their case - the IMF, the EU -

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and they're just telling them to go and fuck themselves.

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Good on them.

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Well done, Greece.

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Angela Merkel on the phone going mental.

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Greece have just got her on loudspeaker, just laughing at her.

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Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo, letting her shout at them.

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GERMAN ACCENT: "You must make the repayments now!

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"240 billion euros."

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Going through books on Greek philosophy,

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trying to quote their way out of the mess.

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"Angela, as Socrates says..."

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"He is richest who is content with the least."

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"That's a beauty, man. Any more?"

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"Or as Epicurus said,

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"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, Angela."

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"Here, let me talk to her."

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"Or as Plato says, "You're not getting it, you fucking cow."

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Good on them. Everybody knows somebody like Greece.

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I've got mates like Greece.

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They're likeable,

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but you don't lend them money unless you're prepared to deal with their

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shite when you try and get it back.

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I don't know if you've seen that, Johnny.

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Greece actually accused Germany of owing Greece

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279 billion euros because of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s.

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Classic tactics.

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"Oh, we're weren't going to mention it, Angela,

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"but since you're chasing us up..."

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We're paying it back.

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1.5 trillion, that's the plan.

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Reduce the deficit. The deficit means you're spend too much money,

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don't bring enough money in. Tory solution, make cuts.

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I think we just need to start making some more money.

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All these billionaire psychos putting their taxes

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into the Cayman Islands. They tell you that as if

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the money's irretrievable. Invade the Cayman Islands.

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Get it back. What the fuck are the Cayman Islands going to do about it?

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Instead of going after disabled people, single parents.

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That takes balls, doesn't it?

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That takes balls. George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith.

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Going through disabled people's doors.

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"This is your fault, mate.

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"You. We could go after tax-avoid multinationals,

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"we could go after Vodafone, Starbucks, Amazon, Google,

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"but it's your fault.

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"You."

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"You're going back to work, mate.

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"We don't give a fuck how disabled you are.

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"Oh, you're paralysed from the neck down?

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"We don't give a fuck, mate.

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"There'll be a farm out there looking for a scarecrow."

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Couple of people checking for the offside flag on that joke there.

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Maybe an extreme example, but that's...

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That's their ideal world. Cutting benefits.

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People fall for it, people believe it.

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I hear folk moaning, I hear them, see them on Facebook.

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You discover through Facebook you hate your own aunties.

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Reading their shite.

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"I have worked my whole life and I've worked two jobs

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"since I've been 12 years old and I think it's a disgrace

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"that these people are sitting on their fat arses..."

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"They're spending their dole cheques on alcohol and cigarettes.

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It's a darn right disgrace."

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Missing the point, man. They're spending it on alcohol

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and cigarettes - highly-taxable goods.

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The country's getting it back.

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These people are reinvesting.

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These people are the heroes in this mess.

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It's not poor people spending, it's rich people saving.

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That's the problem.

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The money's there. Just need to get it to people that'll spend it.

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I would put the dole up, I would make the dole a grand a week.

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That's how you kick-start an economy.

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Every bit of it would get spent.

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You see it on Black Friday.

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That's poor people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week.

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The country would be bouncing!

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Not one penny going offshore or into a savings account.

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"Let's get fucking tattoos, man."

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People arriving at the job centre in taxis, to sign on.

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"Just keep the meter running, my man. I'll be five minutes."

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"That's the dole up to a grand a week, Denise.

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"You still wanting your tits done?"

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"Aye, we'll get the hot tub, aye, why not. Grand a week."

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I've made a bit of dosh, thanks to you people, I've moved on.

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I've made some cash.

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I'm on the property ladder.

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That's what I done. Bought a house, bought a house off a neurologist.

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That builds an inferiority complex.

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I'm showing up to buy his gaff in a Superdry hoodie.

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Guy's gave me the tour.

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Showing me his PhD

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"That's nice, mate. We'll get that down,

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"get that painting of the dogs playing poker up there.

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"That'll be nice."

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I grew up in a council house. I grew up in Clydebank.

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Couple of people know that.

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Famous place. Famous for Wet Wet Wet.

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Marti Pellow, he's the only guy who ever left Clydebank

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to become a heroin addict.

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But I'm in the West End. I'm in the nice bit of the city.

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I'm living...

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I'm living with the great and the good.

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It's where I live. I've been there for a few years.

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But it's never quite become my bit.

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You've got where you stay and you've got your bit.

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OK? That make sense?

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There's where you live and there's your bit.

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It's not quite my... I don't know if it'll ever become my bit.

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I see... I see the kids whose bit it is.

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I hear them shouting on each other. "Sebastian?"

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"Sebastian, we're over here. Sebastian?"

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I hear a name like Sebastian,

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I'm hoping to look up and see a Dalmatian, not this wee guy.

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Sebastian making his grand entrance with his purple blazer on,

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his perm wafting in the wind, a cello on his back.

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They call me Mr Bridges, the kids on my street.

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I don't feel intimidated physically.

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I feel intellectually intimidated by the gangs of youths in my street.

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"Mr Bridges? Mr Bridges, how are we, Mr Bridges?

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"The family and I sat down to one of your performances on the television

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"over the festive period, Mr Bridges.

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"A tad coarse in places."

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"However, I would be lying if I said

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"I didn't allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges."

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A wee guy. I'm out of my depth trying to talk to him.

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And having to raise my game to talk to a ten-year-old.

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I can't have a normal, older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation.

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"Who's the best fighter in your school, then, Sebastian?"

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"Well, I'm the chair of the school debating team, Mr Bridges.

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"There have been a few heated exchanges,

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"but we've not quite come to blows yet."

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His wee pal's beside him, de-seeding a pomegranate with his fruit knife.

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I still... See, I still wear trainers and stuff.

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I never knew that was frowned upon,

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wearing sports gear, unless you're off to participate

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in a sporting activity. I still wear shorts, trainers, any excuse.

0:19:310:19:35

I've got a neighbour who always looks at me.

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Always looking me up and down. Always going...

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"You off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?"

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I said, "Mate, why do you always ask me if I'm off to the gym?"

0:19:420:19:44

"Just when I seen your trainers there and your sports top."

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"Off to the gym, no?" "No, I'm off to the garage to buy a Wispa, mate.

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"It's not..."

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"..it's not a black-tie event, mate."

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I try and blend in. I'm quite a friendly guy.

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I've got a dog, for example, right,

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that's how you get to know your new neighbours.

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Right, you become part of your local dogging community.

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I got a dog, right.

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That's your buddy, I got a dog.

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You get in the park, dog's there,

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other dogs come over and start to play with your dog,

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you pat the other dog and you get talking to the owner.

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Quite a sociable experience.

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I'm in the park. Dog's there, another dog came over,

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began to play with my dog. Began sniffing my dog's arse.

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Sniffing away. Having a great time. I'm patting the other dog.

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And I said, "And who's this?"

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That's dog walker talk for "What is your dog's name?"

0:20:380:20:41

That's how you strike up a bit of chat.

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I said, "And who's this?"

0:20:440:20:46

And the guy goes, "Well, this here, this is, this is Diego."

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And I thought, "Oh, naming the dog after Diego Maradona, mate?

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"That would explain the sniffing, then, right."

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I thought that was the ideal thing to say.

0:21:010:21:03

Hilarious. I've got a voice in my head, going, "Superb, Kev.

0:21:030:21:06

"An exemplary piece of patter.

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"This'll be your bit in no time, Kev."

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I'm asking his dog for the Paw of God,

0:21:170:21:20

thinking this guy is going to spread the word.

0:21:200:21:23

"Oh, yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park. The guy's funny as fuck,

0:21:230:21:26

"even off-duty.

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"The man's a scream."

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But the guy said, "No, he's not named after Diego Maradona.

0:21:330:21:39

"We named him after Diego Rivera,

0:21:390:21:41

"the post-impressionist 19th-century Mexican protest painter."

0:21:410:21:46

And this was a game changer.

0:21:480:21:50

I had nothing for the guy.

0:21:500:21:52

Wow. I looked him right in the eye.

0:21:540:21:56

I cannot believe you've just done that to me, mate.

0:21:560:21:59

I don't know what to say. I've never felt so homesick.

0:21:590:22:02

A voice in my head going, "This is not your bit, Kev, go home.

0:22:020:22:05

"You don't belong here. You're a fraud.

0:22:050:22:08

"The sniffing patter, that might cut it down your bit,

0:22:080:22:11

"this is the upper echelons of society.

0:22:110:22:14

"You think you're going to get away with that up here?

0:22:140:22:16

"Even his dog is looking at your dog, as if,

0:22:160:22:18

"My dad just fucking clamped your dad."

0:22:180:22:21

And he just carried on with his day.

0:22:270:22:29

And I'm left on my phone, having to Google this arsehole.

0:22:290:22:33

Under pressure. Another thing that I do not know has just been exposed.

0:22:350:22:39

I'm on Wikipedia reading about this guy.

0:22:390:22:42

"Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for his large wall works

0:22:420:22:48

"in the style of fresco."

0:22:480:22:50

I don't know what that means.

0:22:500:22:52

Let's go back to the start, Kevin. Let's concentrate.

0:22:520:22:55

Learning is fun. Come on, this is the kind of shit you need to know

0:22:550:22:58

to hold conversations up in this park.

0:22:580:23:00

"Diego Rivera was a Mexican..."

0:23:000:23:02

You know what a Mexican is - tequila, sombreros.

0:23:020:23:05

"Mexican painter."

0:23:070:23:09

You know what painter is - Uncle Kenny's a painter.

0:23:090:23:12

Remember Uncle Kenny?

0:23:120:23:13

Used to always sneak you and your cousins a can

0:23:130:23:16

at Christmas - remember?

0:23:160:23:17

"Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise lives in New Zealand?"

0:23:170:23:20

"Drink your can, son." Remember Uncle Kenny?

0:23:200:23:23

"Known for his large wall works in the style of fresco."

0:23:240:23:28

I don't know what fresco means. But fresco is highlighted in blue,

0:23:280:23:32

meaning it's got its own Wikipedia page.

0:23:320:23:35

Why not make an afternoon out of it? I click on that link.

0:23:350:23:39

I've not even made it through the opening sentence of Diego Rivera's

0:23:390:23:43

Wikipedia page and I'm on another Wikipedia page,

0:23:430:23:47

reading about fresco.

0:23:470:23:49

"Fresco is a technique of mural painting,

0:23:490:23:51

"executed upon wet or freshly-laid lime plaster."

0:23:510:23:55

I don't know what lime plaster is.

0:23:550:23:57

But that is also highlighted in blue.

0:23:570:24:00

Click on that link, Kevin.

0:24:000:24:02

"Is there anything that you do fucking know, Kev?" Lime plaster?

0:24:020:24:06

"Lime plaster is a type of plaster composed of hydrated lime water

0:24:060:24:10

"and sand. Lime plaster is different from..."

0:24:100:24:12

Why are you reading this, Kevin?

0:24:120:24:14

You're supposed to be reading about Diego Rivera.

0:24:140:24:16

Remember why we came here.

0:24:160:24:18

Now, you've went to fresco, now you're on to lime plaster.

0:24:180:24:20

You've got ADD.

0:24:200:24:21

I'm Googling, "Have I got attention deficit disorder?".

0:24:210:24:26

I'm taking the University of Maryland's six short questions

0:24:280:24:34

to determine if I have attention deficit disorder.

0:24:340:24:38

I'm about to diagnose myself with a mental health condition because

0:24:380:24:43

of this phone, this tadger, and his wee shitey dog.

0:24:430:24:46

Even my dog is looking at me as if, get over it, Kev,

0:24:540:24:58

hurry up and throw that tennis ball. Give me a minute, Annie.

0:24:580:25:00

I'm no well. I'm mentally ill.

0:25:000:25:02

Please be patient. I need your support just now, dog.

0:25:020:25:06

Taking the test. The University of Maryland's six short questions

0:25:070:25:12

to determine if I have attention deficit disorder.

0:25:120:25:15

"Do you sometimes struggle with the finer parts of a project

0:25:150:25:18

"once the challenging parts have been finalised?

0:25:180:25:21

All of the time, most of the time, some..."

0:25:210:25:24

"Ten celebrities you didn't know were gay."

0:25:240:25:26

Don't go near it, Kevin.

0:25:260:25:27

Don't click on it. Don't fucking click on it.

0:25:270:25:30

Don't go near it.

0:25:310:25:33

"14 reasons you are always tired." I am always tired.

0:25:330:25:36

I think I have that chronic fatigue syndrome.

0:25:360:25:39

Finish the ADD test.

0:25:410:25:43

How the fuck can I finish the ADD test if I've got ADD?

0:25:430:25:47

I went back,

0:25:500:25:52

I read about Rivera, I got tooled up on this guy, educated myself.

0:25:520:25:55

"Diego Rivera was born in 1886,

0:25:550:25:57

"Rivera began painting at the age of three years old,

0:25:570:26:00

"a year after the death of his twin brother.

0:26:000:26:01

"Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls.

0:26:010:26:03

"His parents, rather than chastise him, installed chalkboards

0:26:030:26:06

and canvas on his bedroom walls, to encourage his gift.

0:26:060:26:08

"At the age of just ten years old,

0:26:080:26:10

"Rivera was accepted to the San Carlos Academy of Fine Art

0:26:100:26:13

"in Mexico City, where he studied until 1907, before moving to Europe,

0:26:130:26:16

"where he became friends with Pablo Picasso..." I've got shitloads.

0:26:160:26:19

APPLAUSE

0:26:190:26:21

Off to the gym? I've lost a bit of weight.

0:26:250:26:27

I don't know if anybody noticed that there.

0:26:270:26:30

Looking sharp.

0:26:300:26:32

Lost a bit. People worry about you in this city when you lose weight.

0:26:320:26:37

I had a guy shout, "Fuck's sake, Kev, have you got AIDS?".

0:26:370:26:41

Which is... just the local way of saying, "Looking sharp, Kev!

0:26:440:26:48

"Have you been working out?"

0:26:480:26:50

I've got a jaw. Look at that. Jaw. I've never had a jaw in my life.

0:26:510:26:55

I've always been fat. I was fat my whole life, right through school.

0:26:550:26:58

This has been a long time coming. I was 18st when I was 18.

0:26:580:27:01

I was fat at school.

0:27:010:27:03

That was tough. Sitting on a plastic chair at school at the end of every

0:27:030:27:08

class, knowing there's going to be a sea of sweat that's been separating

0:27:080:27:12

the two hemispheres of your arse.

0:27:120:27:15

Sitting beside the lassie that you fancy, having to do that slide,

0:27:160:27:19

trying to wipe it as you're getting up.

0:27:190:27:22

That was tough.

0:27:290:27:32

Being fat at school. I was the first in my class to get tits. It's hard.

0:27:320:27:35

Going to the swimming on a school trip.

0:27:390:27:41

"No, I'll just keep my T-shirt on, the water's dead cold.

0:27:410:27:43

"I'm all right. I'll just swim with my T-shirt on."

0:27:430:27:46

I went to a guy.

0:27:460:27:47

18. That's when I first addressed the problem.

0:27:470:27:50

18st. I went to the gym. The real gym.

0:27:500:27:52

You know, the big, proper gym guys. The real big tanks.

0:27:520:27:55

This new breed of man that you get.

0:27:550:27:58

You know the big mammals? The big protein bastards.

0:27:580:28:01

With the big beard, covered in tattoos.

0:28:030:28:05

I'm going, "Mate, did I create you in a PlayStation game?"

0:28:050:28:09

These big guys work in the Carphone Warehouse, but they're training for

0:28:110:28:15

the apocalypse. These big...

0:28:150:28:16

Convinced their best mate's shagging their missus and they're training

0:28:200:28:23

for the day they can finally prove it.

0:28:230:28:25

I went in... And that's what puts fat people off the gym.

0:28:270:28:31

These guys. They take it too far, these big...

0:28:310:28:33

"Only God can judge me."

0:28:330:28:35

I'm standing here judging you, you big bell-end.

0:28:350:28:38

I went to the guy. I said, "Look, mate,

0:28:430:28:45

"I'm trying to lose a bit of weight."

0:28:450:28:47

The guy goes, "It's all about nutrition. All about nutrition,

0:28:470:28:50

"You can do whatever you want in here, but it's all about nutrition.

0:28:500:28:53

"You can't out-train a bad diet."

0:28:530:28:54

And he asked me... He asked me what I had for breakfast.

0:28:540:28:57

He goes, "What did you have for breakfast this morning?"

0:28:570:28:59

Instantly, I'm thinking, "I'd better say something that I never had for

0:28:590:29:02

"breakfast this morning."

0:29:020:29:04

Make a good impression with this big mammal.

0:29:040:29:06

I said, "Oh, I had fruit, mate. A bowl of fruit."

0:29:060:29:09

The guy's going, "Fruit in the morning,

0:29:090:29:11

"that's got to go. Fruit in the morning, very high in sugar.

0:29:110:29:14

"You need to lose that." I'm thinking, "Fruit, mate?

0:29:140:29:16

"Fruit? That's bad now, fruit?

0:29:160:29:18

"Fruit?! I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far as you're aware,

0:29:180:29:22

"I did have a bowl of fruit, so I should be commended.

0:29:220:29:25

"I had a fucking Terry's Chocolate Orange, mate."

0:29:250:29:28

You've no idea how low I would stoop for breakfast -

0:29:330:29:36

cold pashwari naan with Nutella on it.

0:29:360:29:39

I've been there, mate and you're on my case about fruit?!

0:29:390:29:43

I used to have four raspberry ice poles and a Wham bar for breakfast.

0:29:450:29:48

Half past eight every morning for six years.

0:29:480:29:52

Then, a roll and sausage at half past ten.

0:29:520:29:54

A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o'clock.

0:29:540:29:57

A can of Coke. Then, Astro Belts on the way home.

0:29:570:30:00

Fizzy cola bottles, Bikers, Johnny's Onion Rings.

0:30:000:30:02

Everything. Then, I would... AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:30:020:30:05

Then, I'd go home, for crispy pancakes, oven chips,

0:30:090:30:12

potato waffles, croquettes.

0:30:120:30:14

Yellow, mate. That was the only colour I would eat. Yellow.

0:30:140:30:17

"And you're on my case about fruit?"

0:30:190:30:22

I never said that, because the guy would punch fuck out of me.

0:30:240:30:26

but I was thinking it.

0:30:260:30:28

I said, "All right, I'll cut out the fruit.

0:30:280:30:30

The guy gave me a diary to fill in, a food diary.

0:30:300:30:33

That's a step too far, Johnny.

0:30:330:30:34

Submitting hand written lies to somebody.

0:30:340:30:37

He's telling me all these foods to cut out.

0:30:370:30:40

Carbohydrates. "You should be eating this shit.

0:30:400:30:42

Eat this stuff, eat this sort of stuff.

0:30:420:30:44

I'm filling in my food diary, on the internet,

0:30:440:30:46

reading about super foods. Trying to impress the big man.

0:30:460:30:48

"Monday morning, I had...

0:30:480:30:50

Avo-cado. Avo-cado.

0:30:500:30:52

"Here, what the fuck's avocado, in case this guy asks me?

0:30:520:30:55

"You have it on toast? Oh, he'll go off his heid if I say toast.

0:30:570:31:01

"Will I just say I had avocado? How many? How many?

0:31:050:31:08

"Five? Five avocado.

0:31:080:31:11

"Fuck it, I'll put ten. Ten avocado."

0:31:120:31:15

Show the guy I'm serious about it.

0:31:160:31:18

Ten avocado. Monday morning, breakfast.

0:31:180:31:20

Then, I had almonds and blueberries, and then I had beetroot.

0:31:200:31:24

Beetroot? That's a superfood, is it? A big jar of beetroot, mate.

0:31:240:31:27

Got a spoon, rattled the lot.

0:31:270:31:29

Mmm. Then, I had...

0:31:290:31:32

Quin-oa. Qui-no-a. Am I saying that right?

0:31:320:31:36

Qui-no-a?

0:31:360:31:38

What the fuck is qui-no-a? Click on images.

0:31:380:31:41

It's a powder? Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa.

0:31:410:31:44

And then, I had oily fish and I really felt it reducing my risk

0:31:500:31:54

of Alzheimer's, mate. And the guy's going...

0:31:540:31:57

"This is great, Kev. Is this the truth?"

0:31:570:31:59

And I'm saying, "No, mate, the truth would break your heart.

0:31:590:32:01

"I'll tell you the truth.

0:32:010:32:03

"I lasted two meals without carbohydrates

0:32:040:32:06

"and I thought I was going insane.

0:32:060:32:09

"I've never felt so angry.

0:32:090:32:10

"I had to get off the couch and just lie on the floor,

0:32:100:32:14

"staring at the ceiling, trying to take myself to a happier place.

0:32:140:32:19

"Fantasising about carbohydrates. I never knew what a carbohydrate was

0:32:190:32:23

"until you told me to cut them out, and then you grassed them all up.

0:32:230:32:27

"I'm lying there, 'Oh, I would love a spaghetti toastie right now.

0:32:290:32:33

"Mmm, how good would that be?

0:32:350:32:36

"Or a baked potato, with rice in the middle.

0:32:360:32:39

"Then, I could put that on a sandwich, eh?

0:32:410:32:43

"When's the last time I had a piece and baked tattie and rice? Eh? Mmm.

0:32:430:32:47

"With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser. Oh, yes!

0:32:470:32:50

"Then, I crumbled, mate. I went rampaging through my own kitchen.

0:32:520:32:56

"In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben & Jerry's that had been there

0:32:560:32:59

"for months. Now, because it had been there for so long,

0:32:590:33:02

"the little wooden spoon you get inside a tub of Ben & Jerry's bent

0:33:020:33:07

"and snapped on impact with the ice cream.

0:33:070:33:09

"So, I had to put the tub of Ben & Jerry's in the microwave.

0:33:090:33:13

"Now, I left it in the microwave a bit longer than I should have done

0:33:130:33:17

"and the ice cream melted,

0:33:170:33:18

"so rather than just have a few wooden spoonfuls,

0:33:180:33:21

"as I had initially intended, I drank the lot, mate."

0:33:210:33:24

I never knew how to fit that into Monday evening's column.

0:33:280:33:32

It's too extreme. If you're fat,

0:33:350:33:37

you're at a tremendous advantage when it comes to losing weight.

0:33:370:33:39

You need to bear that in mind.

0:33:390:33:41

I was 18st at 18, now I'm 28 and I'm 14st.

0:33:410:33:45

That's 4st I've lost.

0:33:450:33:47

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:33:470:33:49

Thank you for those of you applauding that.

0:33:500:33:53

Applauding a man who's lost 4st in just ten years.

0:33:530:33:57

That's...

0:33:570:33:59

..admittedly, a pretty difficult diet to market.

0:34:010:34:05

I'm not going to get on the front cover of Reveal with that story.

0:34:050:34:09

"How I shifted 4st in just ten years."

0:34:090:34:13

A before and after photograph

0:34:130:34:16

and it's me with a school uniform on, in the "before".

0:34:160:34:19

It's simple. Simple changes. That's what you need to make.

0:34:270:34:31

That's what the 4st in ten years programme encourages.

0:34:310:34:35

Small steps. Don't have McCoys, have Quavers. Simple changes.

0:34:360:34:40

We don't need go to bed with a two-litre bottle of Fanta

0:34:420:34:45

and a tube of Pringles every night. Small changes.

0:34:450:34:48

You don't need to lose junk food, just Google it first.

0:34:500:34:53

"What is healthy to eat from the Chinese?"

0:34:530:34:56

Go on Yahoo Answers, ignore the top answer.

0:34:560:35:00

Some nutritionist from the University of Arkansas.

0:35:000:35:04

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Well, all Chinese food is usually fried.

0:35:040:35:06

It's always very large portions and it usually contains a chemical

0:35:060:35:09

called monosodium glutamate, which is highly addictive and fattening."

0:35:090:35:12

Fuck her. Just keep scrolling down.

0:35:120:35:15

Keep scrolling, until you find what you want to find.

0:35:200:35:24

What about this, guys?

0:35:240:35:26

Sweet and sour chicken is quite healthy, as long as you peel

0:35:260:35:30

the batter off at least three of the chicken balls.

0:35:300:35:33

If you're putting fried rice on a prawn cracker, don't have a lid.

0:35:390:35:43

Just have the one prawn cracker.

0:35:430:35:45

See, simple changes, that will help you shift 4st in just ten years.

0:35:470:35:54

I'll be fat again. Don't worry, I'll be fat.

0:35:560:35:59

I'll be back. I'm looking sharp, but I'll be back.

0:35:590:36:01

I'm one all-inclusive holiday away from meltdown, don't worry.

0:36:010:36:05

I went on that - a cultural break.

0:36:110:36:12

Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff,

0:36:120:36:14

you get dragged around tourist attractions.

0:36:140:36:16

A lot more pressure on yourself to actually go and do shit,

0:36:160:36:19

standing looking at stuff knowing you should be enjoying it.

0:36:190:36:21

The Statue of Liberty. Wow, that's exactly how I thought it would look.

0:36:210:36:25

Having to take your photograph.

0:36:260:36:28

You don't realise how much shite you photograph until you go somewhere

0:36:280:36:32

good and your phone runs out of memory.

0:36:320:36:35

Standing on top of the Empire State building, deleting fry-ups.

0:36:350:36:39

I've got an app called WhatsApp, right. All the kids have

0:36:450:36:49

got it. People send you...

0:36:490:36:51

People send you pictures and videos and it just saves straight to your

0:36:510:36:55

phone. And it's horrific shit people send.

0:36:550:36:59

And I never knew I had a video of a guy fucking a Hoover on my phone

0:36:590:37:04

until I was showing my mother my holiday photographs.

0:37:040:37:08

I'm flicking through them, giving my wee commentary.

0:37:110:37:13

"That was us on the first night,

0:37:130:37:15

"that was the view from the hotel, Mum.

0:37:150:37:16

"That was the wee Italian restaurant.

0:37:160:37:18

"That was where Harry Met Sally.

0:37:180:37:20

"The pastrami sandwich wasn't very nice.

0:37:200:37:21

"That's a guy... Aye, cracking holiday. Definitely recommend it.

0:37:210:37:25

Of course you watch it. If a guy has taken the time to fuck a Hoover,

0:37:250:37:29

I will take the time to watch a guy fuck a Hoover.

0:37:290:37:32

Lying watching it.

0:37:340:37:35

You ever seen your own reflection in your phone

0:37:350:37:38

and you see how tragic you look at these moments.

0:37:380:37:41

Lying on your couch, big double chin, dead behind the eyes.

0:37:410:37:45

Your life is ending.

0:37:460:37:48

"Is that a Henry or a Henrietta he's fucking?"

0:37:490:37:53

And you need to reply to your mate that sent it, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

0:37:560:38:01

H-A, H-A, H-A."

0:38:010:38:04

Into the emoticons, there's that wee guy that cries with laughter.

0:38:040:38:08

15 of them, mate.

0:38:080:38:10

Projectile tears of laughter are leaving my eyes, mate.

0:38:100:38:14

There we go. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..."

0:38:140:38:16

That was it. New York, getting dragged into museums,

0:38:180:38:21

trying so hard to enjoy it.

0:38:210:38:23

Just that the voice in there going, "Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite."

0:38:230:38:27

Trying so hard. It's not shite, Kevin, show some respect.

0:38:300:38:33

It's shite. It's an art gallery, it's full of shite.

0:38:330:38:35

Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite.

0:38:350:38:38

Listening to the tour guide, "And this is 300 years old,

0:38:380:38:40

this was donated to the museum..." I thought...

0:38:400:38:42

Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite, shite.

0:38:420:38:45

"And you're fortunate that the Tutankhamen exhibit is here

0:38:450:38:48

"for six weeks only." Trust me to land that six weeks.

0:38:480:38:51

How shite will that be? Tutankhamen, the king of Egypt at 21.

0:38:510:38:54

I bet he was a wee wank.

0:38:540:38:56

Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Come on, Kevin.

0:38:560:38:59

You're better than this. Let's see your show of strength.

0:38:590:39:02

"Excuse me, mate. Is that a Diego Rivera?"

0:39:020:39:04

You don't know who he is? You've found a victim, Kev.

0:39:110:39:13

All that hard work. Give him it both barrels.

0:39:130:39:16

"Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate?

0:39:160:39:18

"No? Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon In The Alameda?

0:39:180:39:21

"Arguably one of Rivera's most controversial works, my man.

0:39:210:39:25

"Why was it controversial?

0:39:250:39:27

"Well, because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramirez

0:39:270:39:29

"holding a placard that said, "God does not exist".

0:39:290:39:33

"The work caused uproar, mate.

0:39:330:39:34

"But Rivera refused to remove the placard until nine years later,

0:39:340:39:38

"stating that he doesn't have to hide behind Don Ignacio Ramirez

0:39:380:39:42

"to show his own atheist views and that he believes

0:39:420:39:44

"all religions are a form of collective neurosis."

0:39:440:39:47

You don't know this shit? Listen to this guy!

0:39:490:39:52

Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop, buy a rubber and fuck off.

0:39:520:39:56

I travel. I travel a lot. I appreciate my life.

0:40:020:40:06

Travel, stay in a lot of hotels.

0:40:060:40:07

They've always got bad news for you.

0:40:070:40:09

Noticing that in hotels.

0:40:090:40:11

"Unfortunately, Sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area."

0:40:110:40:16

"Is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?"

0:40:160:40:20

That's what to say to them. Call them out on it.

0:40:260:40:29

"I might use your Wi-Fi in your lobby, then, mate.

0:40:290:40:31

"And the websites I visit, that is between me and my browsing cookies.

0:40:310:40:35

"Your manager can deal with the inevitable

0:40:370:40:39

"negative reviews on TripAdvisor."

0:40:390:40:42

Some stunned couple.

0:40:440:40:46

"Don't get me wrong, the rooms were spacious, the location was great,

0:40:460:40:51

"the staff were a delight, could not fault the food or the facilities.

0:40:510:40:54

"But on the final night, there was a Scottish bloke

0:40:540:40:56

"ripping the head off it in the lobby."

0:40:560:40:59

"It was a bloody disgusting.

0:41:030:41:05

"Nothing subtle about it. He had his denims at his ankles,

0:41:050:41:08

"his feet on the coffee table."

0:41:080:41:09

"He was using both his hands, at one point.

0:41:110:41:15

"He was shouting encouragement to himself."

0:41:150:41:18

"He then demanded housekeeping bring him a Hoover.

0:41:200:41:22

"It was rather bizarre."

0:41:220:41:24

"Two stars, we won't be back.

0:41:280:41:29

"Two stars."

0:41:290:41:31

The Wi-Fi is killing this world, isn't it?

0:41:310:41:35

The internet. I'm trying to cut loose.

0:41:350:41:37

I'm trying to stay offline.

0:41:370:41:39

I like technology, I appreciate what the geeks have done in this world,

0:41:390:41:43

I just don't like the person that I've become.

0:41:430:41:45

As soon as it fails, as soon as it stops working, it sends me

0:41:450:41:48

into a big angry primate. I've had too many of these rages.

0:41:480:41:51

I'm quite a peaceful guy. Fucking laptop stopped searching

0:41:510:41:54

for wireless networks a few weeks ago, right.

0:41:540:41:56

I know that sounds a bit trivial, but that's enough to send me...

0:41:560:41:59

"Piece of shit." Fucking shouting at it.

0:41:590:42:01

Because I'm so out of my depth trying to figure out...

0:42:010:42:04

Your laptop breaks, you've got two options, Johnny.

0:42:040:42:06

You can hand it in to where you bought it or you can

0:42:060:42:09

phone up the technical support line.

0:42:090:42:11

What option would you choose, Johnny?

0:42:110:42:13

In your own time, Johnny.

0:42:150:42:17

Well, I phoned up, Johnny. You could hand it in.

0:42:180:42:21

That's part of my problem.

0:42:210:42:22

I know I need to hand this computer into the Apple Store,

0:42:220:42:26

to speak to Marc with a C, with his wee genius T-shirt on.

0:42:260:42:30

Talking about his band. "Yeah, we're called Skull Fracture.

0:42:300:42:34

"We're playing the unsigned tent at T In The Park."

0:42:340:42:36

With his big stupid earlobes hanging down.

0:42:360:42:39

"Going to put your earrings back in, Marc,

0:42:390:42:41

"and stop putting people off calamari for life."

0:42:410:42:44

I decided to phone up -

0:42:480:42:50

laptop is no longer searching for wireless networks.

0:42:500:42:53

People were calling it a First World problem.

0:42:530:42:55

That just makes you angrier.

0:42:550:42:57

I fucking know it's a First World problem,

0:42:570:42:59

that's why I'm on the phone to the Third World, trying to get it fixed.

0:42:590:43:03

I phoned up.

0:43:050:43:07

I'm on the phone, Indonesia, talking to my man, my man Gavin.

0:43:070:43:11

He starts asking me questions...

0:43:110:43:13

I'm telling Gav the issue.

0:43:130:43:16

Gav's asking me for my DHCP client ID.

0:43:160:43:20

I said, "I don't know what that means, Gav."

0:43:200:43:21

Gav told me to click on system preferences, then go to network

0:43:210:43:25

settings and, then, advanced network settings

0:43:250:43:27

and he said in there, you should see a IPVN 4 number

0:43:270:43:29

and, from that, you should be able to see your DHCP client ID.

0:43:290:43:32

I'm following him, I'm getting excited here.

0:43:320:43:34

Gav's onto something.

0:43:340:43:35

I said, "Yes, Gav, I can see a DHCP client ID."

0:43:350:43:39

And he's asking if it is configurated or deconfigurated.

0:43:390:43:44

I said, "Well, Gav, it appears to be deconfigurated."

0:43:440:43:46

Gav tells me to click on...

0:43:460:43:48

I'm already there, Gav. Clicked on configurate, done deal.

0:43:480:43:51

And he goes, try again. I'm so excited, Gav, to try again.

0:43:510:43:54

I tried again and the laptop connected to the wireless network.

0:43:540:43:57

I thanked Gav for his time and I'm left wondering, my mind was blown -

0:43:570:44:01

who the fuck undone that?

0:44:010:44:04

I have never been anywhere near that part of the computer before.

0:44:080:44:13

So what happened between connecting to wireless networks and not

0:44:130:44:17

connecting to wireless networks? Did I have an MIT frat party

0:44:170:44:20

in the living room one night?

0:44:200:44:22

Did I have Mark Zuckerberg and the boys round for a couple of cans?

0:44:220:44:26

It's got a bit out of hand,

0:44:260:44:28

I've fallen asleep at six in the morning and rather than

0:44:280:44:32

just shave off my eyebrows or draw a cock and balls on my face,

0:44:320:44:36

some prankster has logged into my laptop and deconfigurated

0:44:360:44:40

my DHCP client ID.

0:44:400:44:43

And you're raising kids in this world.

0:44:500:44:53

I'm only 28, I still remember the world being a bit simpler.

0:44:530:44:57

It's tragic when you hear the children going,

0:44:570:45:00

"Dad. Dad, the iPad isn't performing the software update. Dad!"

0:45:000:45:06

And if I ever become a father, I don't know if I could handle that.

0:45:060:45:09

I think I'll be saying, "Shut the fuck up, ya wee tool."

0:45:090:45:12

Performing a software update.

0:45:150:45:17

"You're a wee guy. Go up to the loft, find a golf club,

0:45:170:45:20

"get outside and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside."

0:45:200:45:23

"Outside. Get out there."

0:45:260:45:29

"Away and chop some jaggies.

0:45:300:45:32

"You're a wee guy. You got your whole life

0:45:320:45:34

"to perform software updates. Go out there and be bored.

0:45:340:45:37

"Decapitate a few dandelions.

0:45:370:45:39

"Get in the bushes."

0:45:390:45:40

"I've just been stung by a nettle!"

0:45:400:45:42

"Well, get a fucking dock leaf then."

0:45:420:45:44

"Learn some survival tactics.

0:45:480:45:51

"Away out a big walk.

0:45:510:45:53

"Just kick a plastic bottle down the street.

0:45:530:45:56

"Be at one with your thoughts.

0:45:560:45:59

"Get a big stick, get a bit of dog shite on the end..."

0:45:590:46:04

"..control your bit, armed with a bit of dog shite on a stick."

0:46:050:46:10

It's a rite of passage to any child.

0:46:110:46:13

Sitting up in your bedroom getting cyber bullied.

0:46:130:46:16

Go to his door with a bit of dog shite on a stick.

0:46:160:46:19

They need to be bored. Their minds are too occupied.

0:46:280:46:31

I used to be bored as a child. I was quite a creative wee guy.

0:46:310:46:34

I tried to start a boyband. I had mental ideas.

0:46:340:46:37

In my jotter, Element Four, that's what I called us.

0:46:370:46:41

I had three mates who I gave aliases to.

0:46:410:46:43

Earth, Fire, Rain, Wind.

0:46:430:46:45

I told them about my plans. They laughed at me, called me "gayboy".

0:46:450:46:49

I thought fuck yous. I went solo. Big Wind.

0:46:490:46:52

Going down to the kitchen,

0:46:570:46:59

grabbing the radio, up to the bedroom, blank cassette in,

0:46:590:47:03

pressing play and record at the same time.

0:47:030:47:06

With my lyrics that I'd wrote, Big Wind, in the studio.

0:47:060:47:10

# Baby, I've been thinking about you

0:47:100:47:16

# I think you're thinking about me, too... #

0:47:160:47:19

Making sure my dad's not there, in case I get leathered.

0:47:190:47:22

# When you say goodbye It made me cry, baby... #

0:47:240:47:29

Doing the voice that long your eyes start to water,

0:47:290:47:32

it really adds a bit to it.

0:47:320:47:34

# Baby... #

0:47:340:47:36

I was bored. I enjoyed childhood.

0:47:360:47:38

Going out a big walk. Just showing up at your mate's door.

0:47:380:47:41

Going in for your mates, going in for somebody.

0:47:410:47:43

Just battering their letterbox unannounced.

0:47:430:47:46

"All right, Mrs Cassidy, is Stu in?

0:47:500:47:53

"I'm here to eat every crisp in this house."

0:47:530:47:56

"His name is Stuart, Kevin." "Where is he? Stewbster!"

0:48:020:48:05

That's when you discovered the love you had for your own family.

0:48:080:48:12

I see the wee dweebs like that. "I actual hate my mum and dad."

0:48:120:48:15

Fucking get out of the house, then.

0:48:150:48:17

A sleepover, that's when you discovered how much

0:48:170:48:21

you loved your own mum and dad.

0:48:210:48:23

When you went and spent an evening in another family.

0:48:230:48:26

That was an eye opener. And we need that.

0:48:260:48:29

The kids are too busy online, they're not socialising

0:48:290:48:32

to this level. You need to go and spend time in another house.

0:48:320:48:35

Discover you've got it good.

0:48:350:48:37

That Saturday morning,

0:48:370:48:39

returning home to your own house, after a sleepover,

0:48:390:48:42

you just want to cuddle your mum and dad,

0:48:420:48:44

as if you just served in Afghanistan.

0:48:440:48:47

"Mum. Come here.

0:48:470:48:50

"Dad, bring it in, big guy.

0:48:500:48:52

"I know I don't tell you a lot, but I love you.

0:48:520:48:54

"The Cassidys are weirdos."

0:48:540:48:56

Cos it would start off all right.

0:49:010:49:03

You'd go in for Stu

0:49:030:49:04

and end up in the bedroom playing the computer,

0:49:040:49:07

he's making you use an unofficial control pad that his gran bought him

0:49:070:49:10

for Christmas. You're letting that slide, even though it's frustrating.

0:49:100:49:13

Through on goal trying to shoot, "Stu, where's the square button?

0:49:130:49:16

Stu, Stu, Stu?" "It's not square, it's number nine on that pad."

0:49:160:49:19

"Fucking piece of shit. Fuck you, Stu. Fuck you."

0:49:190:49:22

Then, his mum comes into the bedroom.

0:49:220:49:25

"Kevin, we're going to phone a Chinese,

0:49:250:49:26

"would you like to stay for some Chinese?"

0:49:260:49:29

Jackpot. "Of course.

0:49:290:49:30

"Of course I'll stay for some Chinese."

0:49:300:49:34

You start to relax. I like this family.

0:49:340:49:36

I reckon I could be a Cassidy.

0:49:360:49:38

Everything is going to plan. Friday night, home delivery.

0:49:380:49:42

Then, you get shouted down the stairs, made to set the table.

0:49:420:49:45

We're setting the table for a home delivery?

0:49:450:49:47

Again, letting it slide. This is the Cassidys.

0:49:470:49:50

It's not Christmas Day, but maybe this is their thing.

0:49:500:49:52

Maybe they set the table for a home delivery.

0:49:520:49:55

Then the food arrives. You don't recognise one thing

0:49:550:49:58

that they've ordered.

0:49:580:50:00

Not once was I consulted during the ordering process.

0:50:000:50:04

I know I'm ten, I know I'm a guest,

0:50:040:50:06

but ordering a home delivery is a democratic process.

0:50:060:50:09

But again letting it slide. The dad is showing you the food.

0:50:090:50:13

"OK, Kevin, this is the king scallops, Szechuan-style.

0:50:130:50:16

"This is the kung pao lamb.

0:50:160:50:18

"This is the sweet and chilli bean curd."

0:50:180:50:20

"This isn't Chinese food, Mr Cassidy.

0:50:200:50:21

"Where's all the yellow shit?

0:50:210:50:23

"Where's all the chicken balls, chips, curry sauce?"

0:50:230:50:27

You'd get laughed out of China for that shite, Mr Cassidy.

0:50:270:50:31

Then, he starts saying grace, the dad.

0:50:340:50:37

Thanking the Lord for a home delivery.

0:50:370:50:40

Just fucking tip the delivery driver.

0:50:400:50:42

Job done.

0:50:420:50:43

You're trying to plate yourself up some food.

0:50:450:50:48

You're going, "Mr Cassidy, where's the rice?"

0:50:480:50:51

"Just give us a few minutes on the rice, Kevin.

0:50:510:50:54

"It shouldn't be long." "Oh, they never sent the rice?

0:50:540:50:57

"I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy."

0:50:570:50:59

"Oh, no, no, no. Sheila's just boiling the rice."

0:50:590:51:01

"Oh, they sent it not boiled, Mr Cassidy?"

0:51:030:51:06

"No, Kevin, they never sent anything.

0:51:080:51:10

"We don't order rice from the Chinese.

0:51:100:51:12

"Why would we pay £2 for rice when there's a whole jar of rice

0:51:120:51:16

"on the worktop? That would just be stupid, wouldn't it?"

0:51:160:51:19

Alarm bells are ringing. We're having fucking house rice?!

0:51:190:51:22

With a home delivery on a Friday night -

0:51:300:51:32

we're having it with house rice?!

0:51:320:51:34

The evening's took a sinister turn.

0:51:360:51:38

Glaring across the table at wee Stu.

0:51:380:51:40

"I'm going to expose you.

0:51:400:51:42

"This is going to finish you, Stu. In school on Monday.

0:51:440:51:47

"This'll be your nickname for eternity.

0:51:470:51:49

"Wee House Rice. Even if you're driving a Ferrari...

0:51:490:51:53

"Oh, he's driving a Ferrari, is he?" "Who? House Rice?"

0:51:530:51:57

Finish the food, seeing the family.

0:52:020:52:04

I don't know if I could be a Cassidy.

0:52:040:52:06

Then, you get made to wash the dishes.

0:52:060:52:09

"Kevin, why don't you make a little game of it?

0:52:090:52:11

"Stewart can wash them, you can dry them."

0:52:110:52:13

Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy(!)

0:52:130:52:15

Non-stop scream in this house on a Friday night.

0:52:150:52:19

Maybe we can change ends at half...

0:52:210:52:23

Or is that a bit too out there?

0:52:230:52:24

Then, the gran arrives. You get dragged into the living room.

0:52:260:52:29

"Yeah, we always watch a movie together as a family, Kevin.

0:52:290:52:32

"It's just our little Friday night thing.

0:52:320:52:33

"Are you coming in? We're going to watch The Hand

0:52:330:52:35

"That Rocks The Cradle? Have you seen it, Kevin?"

0:52:350:52:38

"No, Mrs Cassidy, but I've heard it's fantastic.

0:52:380:52:40

"I've heard it's hilarious." Having to sit watching this.

0:52:400:52:44

How do I get out of here?

0:52:440:52:45

I need to get home. I need home. Home. I'm homesick.

0:52:450:52:49

I'm only four streets away and I'm homesick.

0:52:490:52:51

"Kevin, why don't you just phone your dad and see if

0:52:510:52:54

"you can stay overnight?

0:52:540:52:55

"That would be nice. Have a wee sleepover."

0:52:550:52:58

How the fuck do I get...? Imagine that, Kev?

0:52:580:53:00

The overnight package, with these freaks.

0:53:000:53:03

"Kevin, phone your dad." This is before mobile phones.

0:53:050:53:07

You had to use the living room phone.

0:53:070:53:10

The whole family are sitting there.

0:53:100:53:12

"Phone your dad, Kevin. Phone your dad."

0:53:120:53:14

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle's been paused.

0:53:140:53:17

They're all listening in to your phone call.

0:53:170:53:19

"Ask if you can stay overnight."

0:53:190:53:21

On the phone to your da, solely dependent on your tone, to give

0:53:210:53:25

across to your da that you're being held against your will.

0:53:250:53:30

This is going to take an acting performance, Kevin.

0:53:340:53:37

We need out of here. This isn't a family, this is a cult.

0:53:370:53:40

"Phone your dad, Kevin." "All right, I'll phone my dad."

0:53:410:53:44

Trying to get a bit of a lump in the throat going,

0:53:440:53:46

hoping my dad hears I'm crying.

0:53:460:53:48

Comes and rescued me. "Where are you, Kevin?

0:53:480:53:49

"I'm going to come and I'll fucking do them.

0:53:490:53:51

"Where are you? Where are you?" "Oh, it's ringing, it's ringing."

0:53:510:53:55

HE CHOKES

0:53:550:53:56

"Hi, Dad?"

0:53:580:54:00

"Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight

0:54:010:54:04

"at Stewart Cassidy's house?"

0:54:040:54:05

"Of course it is, Kevin, you have a great night."

0:54:050:54:08

Your dad's not getting it, at all.

0:54:080:54:11

"Dad, are you sure I've got no plans in the morning?

0:54:110:54:13

"I thought I had some plans.

0:54:130:54:15

"Did you not say something about I had something on?"

0:54:150:54:17

"Nothing on in the morning, Kevin.

0:54:170:54:18

"It's a Saturday morning and you're ten years old, pal. No plans."

0:54:180:54:22

That was it. You'd signed up. You were one of them for the evening.

0:54:260:54:30

"Kevin, unpause the movie."

0:54:300:54:32

"I think it's you that's got the doofer, Mr Cassidy."

0:54:320:54:35

"It's me who's got the what? The doofer? The doofer?

0:54:350:54:38

"Is that what you call the remote control?"

0:54:380:54:40

"The doofer?" He's laughing, the maw's laughing.

0:54:400:54:43

The whole family, wee House Rice is laughing.

0:54:430:54:45

They're all laughing at you. They're ripping the piss out of you, Kev.

0:54:450:54:48

"The doofer! The doofer!"

0:54:480:54:49

Hook the da, Kev. Hook the da.

0:54:490:54:52

Take the whole family out. One jab to the da.

0:54:540:54:57

No family recovers from a jab to the da.

0:54:570:55:00

"The doofer!" Fucking knock him out, Kev.

0:55:000:55:03

Then, you're nudging wee Stu. "Mon, we'll go up to the bedroom.

0:55:060:55:08

"Mon, we'll go up, House Rice. Mon, we'll go to bed."

0:55:080:55:12

The da catches you. "Are you trying to get Stewart to go to bed

0:55:120:55:15

"with you, Kevin? Is there something you're not telling us?"

0:55:150:55:18

You're on thin ice, Mr Cassidy, you old bastard.

0:55:180:55:21

Eventually, up to the bedroom.

0:55:240:55:26

Wee House Rice just goes to sleep straightaway.

0:55:260:55:29

You're left alone on his floorboards,

0:55:290:55:31

inside a Scooby-Doo sleeping bag.

0:55:310:55:34

You've not even got a pillow,

0:55:360:55:37

you've got a cushion off the couch, with the zip on your neck,

0:55:370:55:41

having to turn it.

0:55:410:55:43

Alone, breathing in their family smell, their house smell.

0:55:430:55:47

The whole family smell the same. I recognise that smell,

0:55:470:55:51

that's the way he smells when I sit beside him in school.

0:55:510:55:54

I wonder if he stunk out the house or the house stunk him out.

0:55:540:55:56

I wonder what came first? Listen to these noises.

0:55:560:56:01

How loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice?

0:56:010:56:03

Ticking away every second of this torture.

0:56:030:56:06

I need out of here. I wonder what time I can leave here.

0:56:060:56:09

Do you think five in the morning's a bit early?

0:56:090:56:12

That's the target, Kev.

0:56:120:56:14

Five in the morning. Anybody catches you trying to leave...

0:56:140:56:17

"Are you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?"

0:56:170:56:20

Wonder what you get for breakfast in this shithole?

0:56:200:56:23

"What would you like your breakfast, Kevin?"

0:56:240:56:26

"Maybe some eggy bread?"

0:56:260:56:28

"Eggy bread? Is that what you call French toast?!"

0:56:280:56:30

All that shite starts again.

0:56:300:56:32

All the House Riceses laughing at you.

0:56:320:56:35

"Are you not going to stay, Kevin? We're going to have Alpen.

0:56:360:56:39

"Do you like Alpen?" "Mm, yes, Mrs Cassidy,

0:56:390:56:42

"I love nothing better on a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen.

0:56:420:56:45

"That's what gets me through the week. Mmm."

0:56:450:56:48

Get something in that frying pan, you fucking boot.

0:56:480:56:52

Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow, thank you for listening.

0:56:560:57:00

It's been a pleasure talking to you.

0:57:000:57:02

Thanks very much. Good night, Glasgow.

0:57:020:57:03

Take care. Love one another. Thank you.

0:57:030:57:06

Cheers.

0:57:060:57:07

Thank you. Good night. Cheers.

0:57:130:57:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:57:150:57:20

Kevin Bridges is in a league of his own at the SSE Hydro in front of 12,000 fans with his latest stand-up show. Recorded as part of his UK and Ireland tour and 16-night residency at Glasgow's newest venue, Kevin mixes economic theory, art history and diet tips with the rigours of growing up and adapting to his new-found place in the world.


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