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This programme contains strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:09 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges! | 0:00:50 | 0:00:56 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
Yes, thank you, Glasgow! | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
Saturday night, Glasgow. Thank you. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
Yes, welcome, welcome, welcome along. The Hydro. Wow! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:28 | |
This place! | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Well done for coming to something. Well done, good for you. Well done. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
It's difficult, coming to something. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
I don't underestimate for a second the challenges involved. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
It's a lot of effort. I don't think we ever take the time to show | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
our appreciation for the heroes in there, and the unsung heroes, | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
people amongst you who organise these nights, | 0:01:48 | 0:01:52 | |
people who know when shit goes on sale. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:57 | |
People who sit on Ticketmaster. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
"Page cannot be displayed." | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
"Server timed out." | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
The people who compose that original group text, | 0:02:08 | 0:02:13 | |
assembling the troops. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
The people who dare to dream that a night out could be possible. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
Sitting, dealing with people's replies trickling in, | 0:02:21 | 0:02:24 | |
sucking out the enthusiasm. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
"Oh, Kevin Bridges. Aw, what night is it? Where is it? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
"How much is it? What time does it start? | 0:02:29 | 0:02:33 | |
"What time does it finish? Who else is going?" | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
"Who else is going" - what a snide enquiry! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
That's when the organiser's faced with the internal politics | 0:02:45 | 0:02:49 | |
of the social circle. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Your night out needs a big name to confirm. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
A headline act, an A-lister pal. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
A crackpot - Disco, Ryzo, Gnasher - | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
somebody that can turn your night out into four nights out. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
"Aw, it's only Wee Scobey going, so far. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
"I know he's a wee prick, but he'll drive." | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
Welcome along, front row. How are we doing? You all right? | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
Looking good. What's your name, sir? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
You're not telling me? All right. That's good. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
What's his name, mate? Grass him in, since he's not telling me. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
-Johnny. -Johnny. Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
All right. It's only a comedy show, Johnny. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
You're not getting booked by the police. It's just a wee... | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
Camera, right on Johnny, there. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
That's it, mate. You make him feel like shit for that. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
There we go, that's Johnny, everybody. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Tell your name to the camera, Johnny. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
CHEERING | 0:03:52 | 0:03:53 | |
Good man. Welcome along, Johnny. I like a night out. I'm... | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
I'm getting to that age. I'm growing up. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
I've got mates getting married and having children. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
This is new to me. My life's changing. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
You don't get a night out as often, | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
the weekend is no longer an excuse in itself. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
You don't get a night out. It's rare. But, when they happen, | 0:04:12 | 0:04:16 | |
then it's a rollover and they go on far too long. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
I don't think anybody can party like the newly-married man, | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
the new father. I hear One Direction singing, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
"I'm going to go crazy, crazy, crazy," | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
until they see the sun and rappers singing, | 0:04:29 | 0:04:34 | |
"Going to party until six in the morning." | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
all these parties that have got scheduled end times. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
That's not what happens when your mates start getting married | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
and having children and you get a night out. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
They go on far too long. People don't want to go back... | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
..to the life that they're creating for themselves. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
Mayhem ensues at the suggestion of a six in the morning curfew. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:03 | |
Yous want to call it a night? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
'Mon to fuck, man. One more hour, the Spar's open. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
We'll go and get cans. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:09 | |
The adult empty. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:15 | |
It's a bleak affair, the empty, ten years on. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
Some paranoid wreck walking through your living room | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
looking for a Nokia charger. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
"17 missed calls? I'd better text her." | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
Highlights of a game of FIFA on the PlayStation that was finished | 0:05:41 | 0:05:46 | |
about three hours ago, still playing. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
Two guys snorting cocaine, | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
talking about a fight they had in primary school. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
HE SNORTS | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
"Listen, I'm glad we sorted that the night, bud." | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
"Me and all, mate. I was out of order that playtime. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
"I was out of order." | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
35-year-old guys still using expressions like "playtime". | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
"It was me that was out of order, mate. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
"I'm the one that kept throwing fizzy cola bottles at you. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
"I knew you had to be seen to be doing something about that, mate. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:30 | |
"I understand. You never needed to call us a VL, but. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
"That was out of order, on your part." | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
At six in the morning, Nokia guy arguing with his missus by text. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:41 | |
"I told you I was having a mad one." | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
His only justification, for having a mad one - | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
he told her he was having a mad one. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
Then, staying on the offensive, | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
"I thought you were going to your mum's to watch Strictly, anyway." | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
HIGH-PITCHED: "It's six o'clock in the morning, Ryan." | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
"How the fuck am I supposed to know what time Strictly finishes?" | 0:07:03 | 0:07:07 | |
Then, looking at the telly, looking at the PlayStation, | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
thinking it's Sky Sports. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
"Here, when did Motherwell beat Colombia?" | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
"That's some result for the 'Well, isn't it?" | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
"Colombia have their full team playing, aye?" | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
"Wish I'd stuck money on that. Seven red cards? | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
"Is there a bit of needle between them two?" | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
Six in the morning. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
It's tough watching guys grow up against their will, | 0:07:49 | 0:07:53 | |
watching somebody going through an old VHS case that's been used | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
as a joint-rolling station for years. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
Raking through the paraphernalia, trying to find something smokable. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
"There's a bit of green in there, press my finger on that. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
"There's plenty here, gentlemen. The night is but young. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
"A bit of green stuff, tobacco, scrape that in. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:17 | |
"Hairs. There's always hairs in the rolling tray. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
"I'll put the pubes in. Who gives a shit?" | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
Lying there in emotional purgatory, | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
trying to get a knackered disposable lighter to work, | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
the only lighter in the party, | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
doing big, long flicks. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
"Come on, you piece of shit!" | 0:08:35 | 0:08:36 | |
Eventually, you get a bit of blue flame, and I'm going, "Yes!" | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
and then the "S" blows it straight back out again. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
It's hard to watch a married man lighting a pube joint | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
off the toaster. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:53 | |
Are you a political man, Johnny? Oh, you don't give a shit. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:04 | |
I watch it. I get into it. I like the politics. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
I've started buying the big paper. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:08 | |
I never knew the big papers were as expensive. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
I just thought it would just be the same price. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
Standing in the queue at the newsagent with my pound coin, | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
making plans for the change. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
"£1.80." | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
"Oh, fuck. Do you take card, mate?" | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
"Yeah, only if it's over a fiver." | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
"Oh... Just... All right, a Daily Telegraph | 0:09:26 | 0:09:27 | |
"and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate. That's... | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
"I'm out of here." | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
I watch it. The Tories, that's what we've got, | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
reducing the deficit in the economy. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
That's what's going on. Austerity Britain, making cuts. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
AUDIENCE BOOS I watch them. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
ENGLISH ACCENT: We must work together to reduce the deficit. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
That's what's going on. Reducing the deficit. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
I read about the deficit. Do you know about the deficit, big guy? | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
Do you know Britain's debt? No. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
£1.5 trillion. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
That's how much the UK owes somebody. | 0:09:56 | 0:10:00 | |
£1.5 trillion. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
I don't know who the fuck we owe that to. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
But surely they've gave up on it. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
Surely... | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
Surely, when it hit the trillion mark, | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
they must have been having their doubts about ever seeing it back. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
I've enjoyed Greece. I like their attitude. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
That's how you treat debt. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
AUDIENCE CHEERS | 0:10:26 | 0:10:27 | |
They've had a great time. It's got to the end. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
Everybody's on their case - the IMF, the EU - | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
and they're just telling them to go and fuck themselves. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
Good on them. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
Well done, Greece. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
Angela Merkel on the phone going mental. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:45 | |
Greece have just got her on loudspeaker, just laughing at her. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo, letting her shout at them. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
GERMAN ACCENT: "You must make the repayments now! | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
"240 billion euros." | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
Going through books on Greek philosophy, | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
trying to quote their way out of the mess. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
"Angela, as Socrates says..." | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
"He is richest who is content with the least." | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
"That's a beauty, man. Any more?" | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
"Or as Epicurus said, | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, Angela." | 0:11:43 | 0:11:48 | |
"Here, let me talk to her." | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
"Or as Plato says, "You're not getting it, you fucking cow." | 0:11:56 | 0:12:00 | |
Good on them. Everybody knows somebody like Greece. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
I've got mates like Greece. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
They're likeable, | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
but you don't lend them money unless you're prepared to deal with their | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
shite when you try and get it back. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:21 | |
I don't know if you've seen that, Johnny. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
Greece actually accused Germany of owing Greece | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
279 billion euros because of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:34 | |
Classic tactics. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
"Oh, we're weren't going to mention it, Angela, | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
"but since you're chasing us up..." | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
We're paying it back. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:47 | |
1.5 trillion, that's the plan. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
Reduce the deficit. The deficit means you're spend too much money, | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
don't bring enough money in. Tory solution, make cuts. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
I think we just need to start making some more money. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
All these billionaire psychos putting their taxes | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
into the Cayman Islands. They tell you that as if | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
the money's irretrievable. Invade the Cayman Islands. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
Get it back. What the fuck are the Cayman Islands going to do about it? | 0:13:09 | 0:13:13 | |
Instead of going after disabled people, single parents. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
That takes balls, doesn't it? | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
That takes balls. George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
Going through disabled people's doors. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
"This is your fault, mate. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:31 | |
"You. We could go after tax-avoid multinationals, | 0:13:31 | 0:13:35 | |
"we could go after Vodafone, Starbucks, Amazon, Google, | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
"but it's your fault. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
"You." | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
"You're going back to work, mate. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
"We don't give a fuck how disabled you are. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
"Oh, you're paralysed from the neck down? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
"We don't give a fuck, mate. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:55 | |
"There'll be a farm out there looking for a scarecrow." | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
Couple of people checking for the offside flag on that joke there. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:14 | |
Maybe an extreme example, but that's... | 0:14:21 | 0:14:25 | |
That's their ideal world. Cutting benefits. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
People fall for it, people believe it. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
I hear folk moaning, I hear them, see them on Facebook. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
You discover through Facebook you hate your own aunties. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
Reading their shite. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:39 | |
"I have worked my whole life and I've worked two jobs | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
"since I've been 12 years old and I think it's a disgrace | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
"that these people are sitting on their fat arses..." | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
"They're spending their dole cheques on alcohol and cigarettes. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:56 | |
It's a darn right disgrace." | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
Missing the point, man. They're spending it on alcohol | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
and cigarettes - highly-taxable goods. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
The country's getting it back. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
These people are reinvesting. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
These people are the heroes in this mess. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:15 | |
It's not poor people spending, it's rich people saving. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
That's the problem. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
The money's there. Just need to get it to people that'll spend it. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
I would put the dole up, I would make the dole a grand a week. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
That's how you kick-start an economy. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
Every bit of it would get spent. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
You see it on Black Friday. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
That's poor people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
The country would be bouncing! | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
Not one penny going offshore or into a savings account. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:49 | |
"Let's get fucking tattoos, man." | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
People arriving at the job centre in taxis, to sign on. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
"Just keep the meter running, my man. I'll be five minutes." | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
"That's the dole up to a grand a week, Denise. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
"You still wanting your tits done?" | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
"Aye, we'll get the hot tub, aye, why not. Grand a week." | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
I've made a bit of dosh, thanks to you people, I've moved on. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
I've made some cash. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
I'm on the property ladder. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
That's what I done. Bought a house, bought a house off a neurologist. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
That builds an inferiority complex. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
I'm showing up to buy his gaff in a Superdry hoodie. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
Guy's gave me the tour. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Showing me his PhD | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
"That's nice, mate. We'll get that down, | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
"get that painting of the dogs playing poker up there. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
"That'll be nice." | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
I grew up in a council house. I grew up in Clydebank. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
Couple of people know that. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
Famous place. Famous for Wet Wet Wet. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:59 | |
Marti Pellow, he's the only guy who ever left Clydebank | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
to become a heroin addict. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
But I'm in the West End. I'm in the nice bit of the city. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
I'm living... | 0:17:16 | 0:17:17 | |
I'm living with the great and the good. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
It's where I live. I've been there for a few years. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
But it's never quite become my bit. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
You've got where you stay and you've got your bit. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:31 | |
OK? That make sense? | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
There's where you live and there's your bit. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
It's not quite my... I don't know if it'll ever become my bit. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
I see... I see the kids whose bit it is. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
I hear them shouting on each other. "Sebastian?" | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
"Sebastian, we're over here. Sebastian?" | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
I hear a name like Sebastian, | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
I'm hoping to look up and see a Dalmatian, not this wee guy. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
Sebastian making his grand entrance with his purple blazer on, | 0:17:59 | 0:18:04 | |
his perm wafting in the wind, a cello on his back. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
They call me Mr Bridges, the kids on my street. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
I don't feel intimidated physically. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
I feel intellectually intimidated by the gangs of youths in my street. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:24 | |
"Mr Bridges? Mr Bridges, how are we, Mr Bridges? | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
"The family and I sat down to one of your performances on the television | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
"over the festive period, Mr Bridges. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
"A tad coarse in places." | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
"However, I would be lying if I said | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
"I didn't allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges." | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
A wee guy. I'm out of my depth trying to talk to him. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
And having to raise my game to talk to a ten-year-old. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
I can't have a normal, older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:58 | |
"Who's the best fighter in your school, then, Sebastian?" | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
"Well, I'm the chair of the school debating team, Mr Bridges. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
"There have been a few heated exchanges, | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
"but we've not quite come to blows yet." | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
His wee pal's beside him, de-seeding a pomegranate with his fruit knife. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:16 | |
I still... See, I still wear trainers and stuff. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
I never knew that was frowned upon, | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
wearing sports gear, unless you're off to participate | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
in a sporting activity. I still wear shorts, trainers, any excuse. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:35 | |
I've got a neighbour who always looks at me. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
Always looking me up and down. Always going... | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
"You off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?" | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
I said, "Mate, why do you always ask me if I'm off to the gym?" | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
"Just when I seen your trainers there and your sports top." | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
"Off to the gym, no?" "No, I'm off to the garage to buy a Wispa, mate. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
"It's not..." | 0:19:51 | 0:19:52 | |
"..it's not a black-tie event, mate." | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
I try and blend in. I'm quite a friendly guy. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
I've got a dog, for example, right, | 0:20:06 | 0:20:07 | |
that's how you get to know your new neighbours. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
Right, you become part of your local dogging community. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
I got a dog, right. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
That's your buddy, I got a dog. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
You get in the park, dog's there, | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
other dogs come over and start to play with your dog, | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
you pat the other dog and you get talking to the owner. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
Quite a sociable experience. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
I'm in the park. Dog's there, another dog came over, | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
began to play with my dog. Began sniffing my dog's arse. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
Sniffing away. Having a great time. I'm patting the other dog. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:36 | |
And I said, "And who's this?" | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
That's dog walker talk for "What is your dog's name?" | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
That's how you strike up a bit of chat. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
I said, "And who's this?" | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
And the guy goes, "Well, this here, this is, this is Diego." | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
And I thought, "Oh, naming the dog after Diego Maradona, mate? | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
"That would explain the sniffing, then, right." | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
I thought that was the ideal thing to say. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
Hilarious. I've got a voice in my head, going, "Superb, Kev. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
"An exemplary piece of patter. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
"This'll be your bit in no time, Kev." | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
I'm asking his dog for the Paw of God, | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
thinking this guy is going to spread the word. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
"Oh, yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park. The guy's funny as fuck, | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
"even off-duty. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
"The man's a scream." | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
But the guy said, "No, he's not named after Diego Maradona. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:39 | |
"We named him after Diego Rivera, | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
"the post-impressionist 19th-century Mexican protest painter." | 0:21:41 | 0:21:46 | |
And this was a game changer. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
I had nothing for the guy. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
Wow. I looked him right in the eye. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
I cannot believe you've just done that to me, mate. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
I don't know what to say. I've never felt so homesick. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
A voice in my head going, "This is not your bit, Kev, go home. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
"You don't belong here. You're a fraud. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
"The sniffing patter, that might cut it down your bit, | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
"this is the upper echelons of society. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
"You think you're going to get away with that up here? | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
"Even his dog is looking at your dog, as if, | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
"My dad just fucking clamped your dad." | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
And he just carried on with his day. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
And I'm left on my phone, having to Google this arsehole. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:33 | |
Under pressure. Another thing that I do not know has just been exposed. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
I'm on Wikipedia reading about this guy. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
"Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for his large wall works | 0:22:42 | 0:22:48 | |
"in the style of fresco." | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
I don't know what that means. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
Let's go back to the start, Kevin. Let's concentrate. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
Learning is fun. Come on, this is the kind of shit you need to know | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
to hold conversations up in this park. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
"Diego Rivera was a Mexican..." | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
You know what a Mexican is - tequila, sombreros. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
"Mexican painter." | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
You know what painter is - Uncle Kenny's a painter. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
Remember Uncle Kenny? | 0:23:12 | 0:23:13 | |
Used to always sneak you and your cousins a can | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
at Christmas - remember? | 0:23:16 | 0:23:17 | |
"Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise lives in New Zealand?" | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
"Drink your can, son." Remember Uncle Kenny? | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
"Known for his large wall works in the style of fresco." | 0:23:24 | 0:23:28 | |
I don't know what fresco means. But fresco is highlighted in blue, | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
meaning it's got its own Wikipedia page. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
Why not make an afternoon out of it? I click on that link. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
I've not even made it through the opening sentence of Diego Rivera's | 0:23:39 | 0:23:43 | |
Wikipedia page and I'm on another Wikipedia page, | 0:23:43 | 0:23:47 | |
reading about fresco. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
"Fresco is a technique of mural painting, | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
"executed upon wet or freshly-laid lime plaster." | 0:23:51 | 0:23:55 | |
I don't know what lime plaster is. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
But that is also highlighted in blue. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
Click on that link, Kevin. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
"Is there anything that you do fucking know, Kev?" Lime plaster? | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
"Lime plaster is a type of plaster composed of hydrated lime water | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
"and sand. Lime plaster is different from..." | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Why are you reading this, Kevin? | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
You're supposed to be reading about Diego Rivera. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
Remember why we came here. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
Now, you've went to fresco, now you're on to lime plaster. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
You've got ADD. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:21 | |
I'm Googling, "Have I got attention deficit disorder?". | 0:24:21 | 0:24:26 | |
I'm taking the University of Maryland's six short questions | 0:24:28 | 0:24:34 | |
to determine if I have attention deficit disorder. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:38 | |
I'm about to diagnose myself with a mental health condition because | 0:24:38 | 0:24:43 | |
of this phone, this tadger, and his wee shitey dog. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
Even my dog is looking at me as if, get over it, Kev, | 0:24:54 | 0:24:58 | |
hurry up and throw that tennis ball. Give me a minute, Annie. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
I'm no well. I'm mentally ill. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
Please be patient. I need your support just now, dog. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
Taking the test. The University of Maryland's six short questions | 0:25:07 | 0:25:12 | |
to determine if I have attention deficit disorder. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
"Do you sometimes struggle with the finer parts of a project | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
"once the challenging parts have been finalised? | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
All of the time, most of the time, some..." | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
"Ten celebrities you didn't know were gay." | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
Don't go near it, Kevin. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:27 | |
Don't click on it. Don't fucking click on it. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
Don't go near it. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
"14 reasons you are always tired." I am always tired. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
I think I have that chronic fatigue syndrome. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:39 | |
Finish the ADD test. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
How the fuck can I finish the ADD test if I've got ADD? | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
I went back, | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
I read about Rivera, I got tooled up on this guy, educated myself. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
"Diego Rivera was born in 1886, | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
"Rivera began painting at the age of three years old, | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
"a year after the death of his twin brother. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:01 | |
"Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
"His parents, rather than chastise him, installed chalkboards | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
and canvas on his bedroom walls, to encourage his gift. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:08 | |
"At the age of just ten years old, | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
"Rivera was accepted to the San Carlos Academy of Fine Art | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
"in Mexico City, where he studied until 1907, before moving to Europe, | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
"where he became friends with Pablo Picasso..." I've got shitloads. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
Off to the gym? I've lost a bit of weight. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
I don't know if anybody noticed that there. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
Looking sharp. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
Lost a bit. People worry about you in this city when you lose weight. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:37 | |
I had a guy shout, "Fuck's sake, Kev, have you got AIDS?". | 0:26:37 | 0:26:41 | |
Which is... just the local way of saying, "Looking sharp, Kev! | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
"Have you been working out?" | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
I've got a jaw. Look at that. Jaw. I've never had a jaw in my life. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:55 | |
I've always been fat. I was fat my whole life, right through school. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:58 | |
This has been a long time coming. I was 18st when I was 18. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
I was fat at school. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
That was tough. Sitting on a plastic chair at school at the end of every | 0:27:03 | 0:27:08 | |
class, knowing there's going to be a sea of sweat that's been separating | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
the two hemispheres of your arse. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
Sitting beside the lassie that you fancy, having to do that slide, | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
trying to wipe it as you're getting up. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
That was tough. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
Being fat at school. I was the first in my class to get tits. It's hard. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
Going to the swimming on a school trip. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
"No, I'll just keep my T-shirt on, the water's dead cold. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
"I'm all right. I'll just swim with my T-shirt on." | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
I went to a guy. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:47 | |
18. That's when I first addressed the problem. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
18st. I went to the gym. The real gym. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
You know, the big, proper gym guys. The real big tanks. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
This new breed of man that you get. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
You know the big mammals? The big protein bastards. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
With the big beard, covered in tattoos. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
I'm going, "Mate, did I create you in a PlayStation game?" | 0:28:05 | 0:28:09 | |
These big guys work in the Carphone Warehouse, but they're training for | 0:28:11 | 0:28:15 | |
the apocalypse. These big... | 0:28:15 | 0:28:16 | |
Convinced their best mate's shagging their missus and they're training | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
for the day they can finally prove it. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
I went in... And that's what puts fat people off the gym. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:31 | |
These guys. They take it too far, these big... | 0:28:31 | 0:28:33 | |
"Only God can judge me." | 0:28:33 | 0:28:35 | |
I'm standing here judging you, you big bell-end. | 0:28:35 | 0:28:38 | |
I went to the guy. I said, "Look, mate, | 0:28:43 | 0:28:45 | |
"I'm trying to lose a bit of weight." | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
The guy goes, "It's all about nutrition. All about nutrition, | 0:28:47 | 0:28:50 | |
"You can do whatever you want in here, but it's all about nutrition. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:53 | |
"You can't out-train a bad diet." | 0:28:53 | 0:28:54 | |
And he asked me... He asked me what I had for breakfast. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
He goes, "What did you have for breakfast this morning?" | 0:28:57 | 0:28:59 | |
Instantly, I'm thinking, "I'd better say something that I never had for | 0:28:59 | 0:29:02 | |
"breakfast this morning." | 0:29:02 | 0:29:04 | |
Make a good impression with this big mammal. | 0:29:04 | 0:29:06 | |
I said, "Oh, I had fruit, mate. A bowl of fruit." | 0:29:06 | 0:29:09 | |
The guy's going, "Fruit in the morning, | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
"that's got to go. Fruit in the morning, very high in sugar. | 0:29:11 | 0:29:14 | |
"You need to lose that." I'm thinking, "Fruit, mate? | 0:29:14 | 0:29:16 | |
"Fruit? That's bad now, fruit? | 0:29:16 | 0:29:18 | |
"Fruit?! I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far as you're aware, | 0:29:18 | 0:29:22 | |
"I did have a bowl of fruit, so I should be commended. | 0:29:22 | 0:29:25 | |
"I had a fucking Terry's Chocolate Orange, mate." | 0:29:25 | 0:29:28 | |
You've no idea how low I would stoop for breakfast - | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
cold pashwari naan with Nutella on it. | 0:29:36 | 0:29:39 | |
I've been there, mate and you're on my case about fruit?! | 0:29:39 | 0:29:43 | |
I used to have four raspberry ice poles and a Wham bar for breakfast. | 0:29:45 | 0:29:48 | |
Half past eight every morning for six years. | 0:29:48 | 0:29:52 | |
Then, a roll and sausage at half past ten. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:54 | |
A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o'clock. | 0:29:54 | 0:29:57 | |
A can of Coke. Then, Astro Belts on the way home. | 0:29:57 | 0:30:00 | |
Fizzy cola bottles, Bikers, Johnny's Onion Rings. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:02 | |
Everything. Then, I would... AUDIENCE CHEERS | 0:30:02 | 0:30:05 | |
Then, I'd go home, for crispy pancakes, oven chips, | 0:30:09 | 0:30:12 | |
potato waffles, croquettes. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:14 | |
Yellow, mate. That was the only colour I would eat. Yellow. | 0:30:14 | 0:30:17 | |
"And you're on my case about fruit?" | 0:30:19 | 0:30:22 | |
I never said that, because the guy would punch fuck out of me. | 0:30:24 | 0:30:26 | |
but I was thinking it. | 0:30:26 | 0:30:28 | |
I said, "All right, I'll cut out the fruit. | 0:30:28 | 0:30:30 | |
The guy gave me a diary to fill in, a food diary. | 0:30:30 | 0:30:33 | |
That's a step too far, Johnny. | 0:30:33 | 0:30:34 | |
Submitting hand written lies to somebody. | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
He's telling me all these foods to cut out. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
Carbohydrates. "You should be eating this shit. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:42 | |
Eat this stuff, eat this sort of stuff. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 | |
I'm filling in my food diary, on the internet, | 0:30:44 | 0:30:46 | |
reading about super foods. Trying to impress the big man. | 0:30:46 | 0:30:48 | |
"Monday morning, I had... | 0:30:48 | 0:30:50 | |
Avo-cado. Avo-cado. | 0:30:50 | 0:30:52 | |
"Here, what the fuck's avocado, in case this guy asks me? | 0:30:52 | 0:30:55 | |
"You have it on toast? Oh, he'll go off his heid if I say toast. | 0:30:57 | 0:31:01 | |
"Will I just say I had avocado? How many? How many? | 0:31:05 | 0:31:08 | |
"Five? Five avocado. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:11 | |
"Fuck it, I'll put ten. Ten avocado." | 0:31:12 | 0:31:15 | |
Show the guy I'm serious about it. | 0:31:16 | 0:31:18 | |
Ten avocado. Monday morning, breakfast. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:20 | |
Then, I had almonds and blueberries, and then I had beetroot. | 0:31:20 | 0:31:24 | |
Beetroot? That's a superfood, is it? A big jar of beetroot, mate. | 0:31:24 | 0:31:27 | |
Got a spoon, rattled the lot. | 0:31:27 | 0:31:29 | |
Mmm. Then, I had... | 0:31:29 | 0:31:32 | |
Quin-oa. Qui-no-a. Am I saying that right? | 0:31:32 | 0:31:36 | |
Qui-no-a? | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
What the fuck is qui-no-a? Click on images. | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
It's a powder? Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa. | 0:31:41 | 0:31:44 | |
And then, I had oily fish and I really felt it reducing my risk | 0:31:50 | 0:31:54 | |
of Alzheimer's, mate. And the guy's going... | 0:31:54 | 0:31:57 | |
"This is great, Kev. Is this the truth?" | 0:31:57 | 0:31:59 | |
And I'm saying, "No, mate, the truth would break your heart. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:01 | |
"I'll tell you the truth. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:03 | |
"I lasted two meals without carbohydrates | 0:32:04 | 0:32:06 | |
"and I thought I was going insane. | 0:32:06 | 0:32:09 | |
"I've never felt so angry. | 0:32:09 | 0:32:10 | |
"I had to get off the couch and just lie on the floor, | 0:32:10 | 0:32:14 | |
"staring at the ceiling, trying to take myself to a happier place. | 0:32:14 | 0:32:19 | |
"Fantasising about carbohydrates. I never knew what a carbohydrate was | 0:32:19 | 0:32:23 | |
"until you told me to cut them out, and then you grassed them all up. | 0:32:23 | 0:32:27 | |
"I'm lying there, 'Oh, I would love a spaghetti toastie right now. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:33 | |
"Mmm, how good would that be? | 0:32:35 | 0:32:36 | |
"Or a baked potato, with rice in the middle. | 0:32:36 | 0:32:39 | |
"Then, I could put that on a sandwich, eh? | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
"When's the last time I had a piece and baked tattie and rice? Eh? Mmm. | 0:32:43 | 0:32:47 | |
"With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser. Oh, yes! | 0:32:47 | 0:32:50 | |
"Then, I crumbled, mate. I went rampaging through my own kitchen. | 0:32:52 | 0:32:56 | |
"In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben & Jerry's that had been there | 0:32:56 | 0:32:59 | |
"for months. Now, because it had been there for so long, | 0:32:59 | 0:33:02 | |
"the little wooden spoon you get inside a tub of Ben & Jerry's bent | 0:33:02 | 0:33:07 | |
"and snapped on impact with the ice cream. | 0:33:07 | 0:33:09 | |
"So, I had to put the tub of Ben & Jerry's in the microwave. | 0:33:09 | 0:33:13 | |
"Now, I left it in the microwave a bit longer than I should have done | 0:33:13 | 0:33:17 | |
"and the ice cream melted, | 0:33:17 | 0:33:18 | |
"so rather than just have a few wooden spoonfuls, | 0:33:18 | 0:33:21 | |
"as I had initially intended, I drank the lot, mate." | 0:33:21 | 0:33:24 | |
I never knew how to fit that into Monday evening's column. | 0:33:28 | 0:33:32 | |
It's too extreme. If you're fat, | 0:33:35 | 0:33:37 | |
you're at a tremendous advantage when it comes to losing weight. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:39 | |
You need to bear that in mind. | 0:33:39 | 0:33:41 | |
I was 18st at 18, now I'm 28 and I'm 14st. | 0:33:41 | 0:33:45 | |
That's 4st I've lost. | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
AUDIENCE CHEERS | 0:33:47 | 0:33:49 | |
Thank you for those of you applauding that. | 0:33:50 | 0:33:53 | |
Applauding a man who's lost 4st in just ten years. | 0:33:53 | 0:33:57 | |
That's... | 0:33:57 | 0:33:59 | |
..admittedly, a pretty difficult diet to market. | 0:34:01 | 0:34:05 | |
I'm not going to get on the front cover of Reveal with that story. | 0:34:05 | 0:34:09 | |
"How I shifted 4st in just ten years." | 0:34:09 | 0:34:13 | |
A before and after photograph | 0:34:13 | 0:34:16 | |
and it's me with a school uniform on, in the "before". | 0:34:16 | 0:34:19 | |
It's simple. Simple changes. That's what you need to make. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:31 | |
That's what the 4st in ten years programme encourages. | 0:34:31 | 0:34:35 | |
Small steps. Don't have McCoys, have Quavers. Simple changes. | 0:34:36 | 0:34:40 | |
We don't need go to bed with a two-litre bottle of Fanta | 0:34:42 | 0:34:45 | |
and a tube of Pringles every night. Small changes. | 0:34:45 | 0:34:48 | |
You don't need to lose junk food, just Google it first. | 0:34:50 | 0:34:53 | |
"What is healthy to eat from the Chinese?" | 0:34:53 | 0:34:56 | |
Go on Yahoo Answers, ignore the top answer. | 0:34:56 | 0:35:00 | |
Some nutritionist from the University of Arkansas. | 0:35:00 | 0:35:04 | |
AMERICAN ACCENT: "Well, all Chinese food is usually fried. | 0:35:04 | 0:35:06 | |
It's always very large portions and it usually contains a chemical | 0:35:06 | 0:35:09 | |
called monosodium glutamate, which is highly addictive and fattening." | 0:35:09 | 0:35:12 | |
Fuck her. Just keep scrolling down. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:15 | |
Keep scrolling, until you find what you want to find. | 0:35:20 | 0:35:24 | |
What about this, guys? | 0:35:24 | 0:35:26 | |
Sweet and sour chicken is quite healthy, as long as you peel | 0:35:26 | 0:35:30 | |
the batter off at least three of the chicken balls. | 0:35:30 | 0:35:33 | |
If you're putting fried rice on a prawn cracker, don't have a lid. | 0:35:39 | 0:35:43 | |
Just have the one prawn cracker. | 0:35:43 | 0:35:45 | |
See, simple changes, that will help you shift 4st in just ten years. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:54 | |
I'll be fat again. Don't worry, I'll be fat. | 0:35:56 | 0:35:59 | |
I'll be back. I'm looking sharp, but I'll be back. | 0:35:59 | 0:36:01 | |
I'm one all-inclusive holiday away from meltdown, don't worry. | 0:36:01 | 0:36:05 | |
I went on that - a cultural break. | 0:36:11 | 0:36:12 | |
Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff, | 0:36:12 | 0:36:14 | |
you get dragged around tourist attractions. | 0:36:14 | 0:36:16 | |
A lot more pressure on yourself to actually go and do shit, | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
standing looking at stuff knowing you should be enjoying it. | 0:36:19 | 0:36:21 | |
The Statue of Liberty. Wow, that's exactly how I thought it would look. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:25 | |
Having to take your photograph. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:28 | |
You don't realise how much shite you photograph until you go somewhere | 0:36:28 | 0:36:32 | |
good and your phone runs out of memory. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:35 | |
Standing on top of the Empire State building, deleting fry-ups. | 0:36:35 | 0:36:39 | |
I've got an app called WhatsApp, right. All the kids have | 0:36:45 | 0:36:49 | |
got it. People send you... | 0:36:49 | 0:36:51 | |
People send you pictures and videos and it just saves straight to your | 0:36:51 | 0:36:55 | |
phone. And it's horrific shit people send. | 0:36:55 | 0:36:59 | |
And I never knew I had a video of a guy fucking a Hoover on my phone | 0:36:59 | 0:37:04 | |
until I was showing my mother my holiday photographs. | 0:37:04 | 0:37:08 | |
I'm flicking through them, giving my wee commentary. | 0:37:11 | 0:37:13 | |
"That was us on the first night, | 0:37:13 | 0:37:15 | |
"that was the view from the hotel, Mum. | 0:37:15 | 0:37:16 | |
"That was the wee Italian restaurant. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:18 | |
"That was where Harry Met Sally. | 0:37:18 | 0:37:20 | |
"The pastrami sandwich wasn't very nice. | 0:37:20 | 0:37:21 | |
"That's a guy... Aye, cracking holiday. Definitely recommend it. | 0:37:21 | 0:37:25 | |
Of course you watch it. If a guy has taken the time to fuck a Hoover, | 0:37:25 | 0:37:29 | |
I will take the time to watch a guy fuck a Hoover. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:32 | |
Lying watching it. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:35 | |
You ever seen your own reflection in your phone | 0:37:35 | 0:37:38 | |
and you see how tragic you look at these moments. | 0:37:38 | 0:37:41 | |
Lying on your couch, big double chin, dead behind the eyes. | 0:37:41 | 0:37:45 | |
Your life is ending. | 0:37:46 | 0:37:48 | |
"Is that a Henry or a Henrietta he's fucking?" | 0:37:49 | 0:37:53 | |
And you need to reply to your mate that sent it, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." | 0:37:56 | 0:38:01 | |
H-A, H-A, H-A." | 0:38:01 | 0:38:04 | |
Into the emoticons, there's that wee guy that cries with laughter. | 0:38:04 | 0:38:08 | |
15 of them, mate. | 0:38:08 | 0:38:10 | |
Projectile tears of laughter are leaving my eyes, mate. | 0:38:10 | 0:38:14 | |
There we go. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..." | 0:38:14 | 0:38:16 | |
That was it. New York, getting dragged into museums, | 0:38:18 | 0:38:21 | |
trying so hard to enjoy it. | 0:38:21 | 0:38:23 | |
Just that the voice in there going, "Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite." | 0:38:23 | 0:38:27 | |
Trying so hard. It's not shite, Kevin, show some respect. | 0:38:30 | 0:38:33 | |
It's shite. It's an art gallery, it's full of shite. | 0:38:33 | 0:38:35 | |
Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. | 0:38:35 | 0:38:38 | |
Listening to the tour guide, "And this is 300 years old, | 0:38:38 | 0:38:40 | |
this was donated to the museum..." I thought... | 0:38:40 | 0:38:42 | |
Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:45 | |
"And you're fortunate that the Tutankhamen exhibit is here | 0:38:45 | 0:38:48 | |
"for six weeks only." Trust me to land that six weeks. | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
How shite will that be? Tutankhamen, the king of Egypt at 21. | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
I bet he was a wee wank. | 0:38:54 | 0:38:56 | |
Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Come on, Kevin. | 0:38:56 | 0:38:59 | |
You're better than this. Let's see your show of strength. | 0:38:59 | 0:39:02 | |
"Excuse me, mate. Is that a Diego Rivera?" | 0:39:02 | 0:39:04 | |
You don't know who he is? You've found a victim, Kev. | 0:39:11 | 0:39:13 | |
All that hard work. Give him it both barrels. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:16 | |
"Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate? | 0:39:16 | 0:39:18 | |
"No? Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon In The Alameda? | 0:39:18 | 0:39:21 | |
"Arguably one of Rivera's most controversial works, my man. | 0:39:21 | 0:39:25 | |
"Why was it controversial? | 0:39:25 | 0:39:27 | |
"Well, because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramirez | 0:39:27 | 0:39:29 | |
"holding a placard that said, "God does not exist". | 0:39:29 | 0:39:33 | |
"The work caused uproar, mate. | 0:39:33 | 0:39:34 | |
"But Rivera refused to remove the placard until nine years later, | 0:39:34 | 0:39:38 | |
"stating that he doesn't have to hide behind Don Ignacio Ramirez | 0:39:38 | 0:39:42 | |
"to show his own atheist views and that he believes | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
"all religions are a form of collective neurosis." | 0:39:44 | 0:39:47 | |
You don't know this shit? Listen to this guy! | 0:39:49 | 0:39:52 | |
Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop, buy a rubber and fuck off. | 0:39:52 | 0:39:56 | |
I travel. I travel a lot. I appreciate my life. | 0:40:02 | 0:40:06 | |
Travel, stay in a lot of hotels. | 0:40:06 | 0:40:07 | |
They've always got bad news for you. | 0:40:07 | 0:40:09 | |
Noticing that in hotels. | 0:40:09 | 0:40:11 | |
"Unfortunately, Sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area." | 0:40:11 | 0:40:16 | |
"Is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?" | 0:40:16 | 0:40:20 | |
That's what to say to them. Call them out on it. | 0:40:26 | 0:40:29 | |
"I might use your Wi-Fi in your lobby, then, mate. | 0:40:29 | 0:40:31 | |
"And the websites I visit, that is between me and my browsing cookies. | 0:40:31 | 0:40:35 | |
"Your manager can deal with the inevitable | 0:40:37 | 0:40:39 | |
"negative reviews on TripAdvisor." | 0:40:39 | 0:40:42 | |
Some stunned couple. | 0:40:44 | 0:40:46 | |
"Don't get me wrong, the rooms were spacious, the location was great, | 0:40:46 | 0:40:51 | |
"the staff were a delight, could not fault the food or the facilities. | 0:40:51 | 0:40:54 | |
"But on the final night, there was a Scottish bloke | 0:40:54 | 0:40:56 | |
"ripping the head off it in the lobby." | 0:40:56 | 0:40:59 | |
"It was a bloody disgusting. | 0:41:03 | 0:41:05 | |
"Nothing subtle about it. He had his denims at his ankles, | 0:41:05 | 0:41:08 | |
"his feet on the coffee table." | 0:41:08 | 0:41:09 | |
"He was using both his hands, at one point. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:15 | |
"He was shouting encouragement to himself." | 0:41:15 | 0:41:18 | |
"He then demanded housekeeping bring him a Hoover. | 0:41:20 | 0:41:22 | |
"It was rather bizarre." | 0:41:22 | 0:41:24 | |
"Two stars, we won't be back. | 0:41:28 | 0:41:29 | |
"Two stars." | 0:41:29 | 0:41:31 | |
The Wi-Fi is killing this world, isn't it? | 0:41:31 | 0:41:35 | |
The internet. I'm trying to cut loose. | 0:41:35 | 0:41:37 | |
I'm trying to stay offline. | 0:41:37 | 0:41:39 | |
I like technology, I appreciate what the geeks have done in this world, | 0:41:39 | 0:41:43 | |
I just don't like the person that I've become. | 0:41:43 | 0:41:45 | |
As soon as it fails, as soon as it stops working, it sends me | 0:41:45 | 0:41:48 | |
into a big angry primate. I've had too many of these rages. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:51 | |
I'm quite a peaceful guy. Fucking laptop stopped searching | 0:41:51 | 0:41:54 | |
for wireless networks a few weeks ago, right. | 0:41:54 | 0:41:56 | |
I know that sounds a bit trivial, but that's enough to send me... | 0:41:56 | 0:41:59 | |
"Piece of shit." Fucking shouting at it. | 0:41:59 | 0:42:01 | |
Because I'm so out of my depth trying to figure out... | 0:42:01 | 0:42:04 | |
Your laptop breaks, you've got two options, Johnny. | 0:42:04 | 0:42:06 | |
You can hand it in to where you bought it or you can | 0:42:06 | 0:42:09 | |
phone up the technical support line. | 0:42:09 | 0:42:11 | |
What option would you choose, Johnny? | 0:42:11 | 0:42:13 | |
In your own time, Johnny. | 0:42:15 | 0:42:17 | |
Well, I phoned up, Johnny. You could hand it in. | 0:42:18 | 0:42:21 | |
That's part of my problem. | 0:42:21 | 0:42:22 | |
I know I need to hand this computer into the Apple Store, | 0:42:22 | 0:42:26 | |
to speak to Marc with a C, with his wee genius T-shirt on. | 0:42:26 | 0:42:30 | |
Talking about his band. "Yeah, we're called Skull Fracture. | 0:42:30 | 0:42:34 | |
"We're playing the unsigned tent at T In The Park." | 0:42:34 | 0:42:36 | |
With his big stupid earlobes hanging down. | 0:42:36 | 0:42:39 | |
"Going to put your earrings back in, Marc, | 0:42:39 | 0:42:41 | |
"and stop putting people off calamari for life." | 0:42:41 | 0:42:44 | |
I decided to phone up - | 0:42:48 | 0:42:50 | |
laptop is no longer searching for wireless networks. | 0:42:50 | 0:42:53 | |
People were calling it a First World problem. | 0:42:53 | 0:42:55 | |
That just makes you angrier. | 0:42:55 | 0:42:57 | |
I fucking know it's a First World problem, | 0:42:57 | 0:42:59 | |
that's why I'm on the phone to the Third World, trying to get it fixed. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:03 | |
I phoned up. | 0:43:05 | 0:43:07 | |
I'm on the phone, Indonesia, talking to my man, my man Gavin. | 0:43:07 | 0:43:11 | |
He starts asking me questions... | 0:43:11 | 0:43:13 | |
I'm telling Gav the issue. | 0:43:13 | 0:43:16 | |
Gav's asking me for my DHCP client ID. | 0:43:16 | 0:43:20 | |
I said, "I don't know what that means, Gav." | 0:43:20 | 0:43:21 | |
Gav told me to click on system preferences, then go to network | 0:43:21 | 0:43:25 | |
settings and, then, advanced network settings | 0:43:25 | 0:43:27 | |
and he said in there, you should see a IPVN 4 number | 0:43:27 | 0:43:29 | |
and, from that, you should be able to see your DHCP client ID. | 0:43:29 | 0:43:32 | |
I'm following him, I'm getting excited here. | 0:43:32 | 0:43:34 | |
Gav's onto something. | 0:43:34 | 0:43:35 | |
I said, "Yes, Gav, I can see a DHCP client ID." | 0:43:35 | 0:43:39 | |
And he's asking if it is configurated or deconfigurated. | 0:43:39 | 0:43:44 | |
I said, "Well, Gav, it appears to be deconfigurated." | 0:43:44 | 0:43:46 | |
Gav tells me to click on... | 0:43:46 | 0:43:48 | |
I'm already there, Gav. Clicked on configurate, done deal. | 0:43:48 | 0:43:51 | |
And he goes, try again. I'm so excited, Gav, to try again. | 0:43:51 | 0:43:54 | |
I tried again and the laptop connected to the wireless network. | 0:43:54 | 0:43:57 | |
I thanked Gav for his time and I'm left wondering, my mind was blown - | 0:43:57 | 0:44:01 | |
who the fuck undone that? | 0:44:01 | 0:44:04 | |
I have never been anywhere near that part of the computer before. | 0:44:08 | 0:44:13 | |
So what happened between connecting to wireless networks and not | 0:44:13 | 0:44:17 | |
connecting to wireless networks? Did I have an MIT frat party | 0:44:17 | 0:44:20 | |
in the living room one night? | 0:44:20 | 0:44:22 | |
Did I have Mark Zuckerberg and the boys round for a couple of cans? | 0:44:22 | 0:44:26 | |
It's got a bit out of hand, | 0:44:26 | 0:44:28 | |
I've fallen asleep at six in the morning and rather than | 0:44:28 | 0:44:32 | |
just shave off my eyebrows or draw a cock and balls on my face, | 0:44:32 | 0:44:36 | |
some prankster has logged into my laptop and deconfigurated | 0:44:36 | 0:44:40 | |
my DHCP client ID. | 0:44:40 | 0:44:43 | |
And you're raising kids in this world. | 0:44:50 | 0:44:53 | |
I'm only 28, I still remember the world being a bit simpler. | 0:44:53 | 0:44:57 | |
It's tragic when you hear the children going, | 0:44:57 | 0:45:00 | |
"Dad. Dad, the iPad isn't performing the software update. Dad!" | 0:45:00 | 0:45:06 | |
And if I ever become a father, I don't know if I could handle that. | 0:45:06 | 0:45:09 | |
I think I'll be saying, "Shut the fuck up, ya wee tool." | 0:45:09 | 0:45:12 | |
Performing a software update. | 0:45:15 | 0:45:17 | |
"You're a wee guy. Go up to the loft, find a golf club, | 0:45:17 | 0:45:20 | |
"get outside and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside." | 0:45:20 | 0:45:23 | |
"Outside. Get out there." | 0:45:26 | 0:45:29 | |
"Away and chop some jaggies. | 0:45:30 | 0:45:32 | |
"You're a wee guy. You got your whole life | 0:45:32 | 0:45:34 | |
"to perform software updates. Go out there and be bored. | 0:45:34 | 0:45:37 | |
"Decapitate a few dandelions. | 0:45:37 | 0:45:39 | |
"Get in the bushes." | 0:45:39 | 0:45:40 | |
"I've just been stung by a nettle!" | 0:45:40 | 0:45:42 | |
"Well, get a fucking dock leaf then." | 0:45:42 | 0:45:44 | |
"Learn some survival tactics. | 0:45:48 | 0:45:51 | |
"Away out a big walk. | 0:45:51 | 0:45:53 | |
"Just kick a plastic bottle down the street. | 0:45:53 | 0:45:56 | |
"Be at one with your thoughts. | 0:45:56 | 0:45:59 | |
"Get a big stick, get a bit of dog shite on the end..." | 0:45:59 | 0:46:04 | |
"..control your bit, armed with a bit of dog shite on a stick." | 0:46:05 | 0:46:10 | |
It's a rite of passage to any child. | 0:46:11 | 0:46:13 | |
Sitting up in your bedroom getting cyber bullied. | 0:46:13 | 0:46:16 | |
Go to his door with a bit of dog shite on a stick. | 0:46:16 | 0:46:19 | |
They need to be bored. Their minds are too occupied. | 0:46:28 | 0:46:31 | |
I used to be bored as a child. I was quite a creative wee guy. | 0:46:31 | 0:46:34 | |
I tried to start a boyband. I had mental ideas. | 0:46:34 | 0:46:37 | |
In my jotter, Element Four, that's what I called us. | 0:46:37 | 0:46:41 | |
I had three mates who I gave aliases to. | 0:46:41 | 0:46:43 | |
Earth, Fire, Rain, Wind. | 0:46:43 | 0:46:45 | |
I told them about my plans. They laughed at me, called me "gayboy". | 0:46:45 | 0:46:49 | |
I thought fuck yous. I went solo. Big Wind. | 0:46:49 | 0:46:52 | |
Going down to the kitchen, | 0:46:57 | 0:46:59 | |
grabbing the radio, up to the bedroom, blank cassette in, | 0:46:59 | 0:47:03 | |
pressing play and record at the same time. | 0:47:03 | 0:47:06 | |
With my lyrics that I'd wrote, Big Wind, in the studio. | 0:47:06 | 0:47:10 | |
# Baby, I've been thinking about you | 0:47:10 | 0:47:16 | |
# I think you're thinking about me, too... # | 0:47:16 | 0:47:19 | |
Making sure my dad's not there, in case I get leathered. | 0:47:19 | 0:47:22 | |
# When you say goodbye It made me cry, baby... # | 0:47:24 | 0:47:29 | |
Doing the voice that long your eyes start to water, | 0:47:29 | 0:47:32 | |
it really adds a bit to it. | 0:47:32 | 0:47:34 | |
# Baby... # | 0:47:34 | 0:47:36 | |
I was bored. I enjoyed childhood. | 0:47:36 | 0:47:38 | |
Going out a big walk. Just showing up at your mate's door. | 0:47:38 | 0:47:41 | |
Going in for your mates, going in for somebody. | 0:47:41 | 0:47:43 | |
Just battering their letterbox unannounced. | 0:47:43 | 0:47:46 | |
"All right, Mrs Cassidy, is Stu in? | 0:47:50 | 0:47:53 | |
"I'm here to eat every crisp in this house." | 0:47:53 | 0:47:56 | |
"His name is Stuart, Kevin." "Where is he? Stewbster!" | 0:48:02 | 0:48:05 | |
That's when you discovered the love you had for your own family. | 0:48:08 | 0:48:12 | |
I see the wee dweebs like that. "I actual hate my mum and dad." | 0:48:12 | 0:48:15 | |
Fucking get out of the house, then. | 0:48:15 | 0:48:17 | |
A sleepover, that's when you discovered how much | 0:48:17 | 0:48:21 | |
you loved your own mum and dad. | 0:48:21 | 0:48:23 | |
When you went and spent an evening in another family. | 0:48:23 | 0:48:26 | |
That was an eye opener. And we need that. | 0:48:26 | 0:48:29 | |
The kids are too busy online, they're not socialising | 0:48:29 | 0:48:32 | |
to this level. You need to go and spend time in another house. | 0:48:32 | 0:48:35 | |
Discover you've got it good. | 0:48:35 | 0:48:37 | |
That Saturday morning, | 0:48:37 | 0:48:39 | |
returning home to your own house, after a sleepover, | 0:48:39 | 0:48:42 | |
you just want to cuddle your mum and dad, | 0:48:42 | 0:48:44 | |
as if you just served in Afghanistan. | 0:48:44 | 0:48:47 | |
"Mum. Come here. | 0:48:47 | 0:48:50 | |
"Dad, bring it in, big guy. | 0:48:50 | 0:48:52 | |
"I know I don't tell you a lot, but I love you. | 0:48:52 | 0:48:54 | |
"The Cassidys are weirdos." | 0:48:54 | 0:48:56 | |
Cos it would start off all right. | 0:49:01 | 0:49:03 | |
You'd go in for Stu | 0:49:03 | 0:49:04 | |
and end up in the bedroom playing the computer, | 0:49:04 | 0:49:07 | |
he's making you use an unofficial control pad that his gran bought him | 0:49:07 | 0:49:10 | |
for Christmas. You're letting that slide, even though it's frustrating. | 0:49:10 | 0:49:13 | |
Through on goal trying to shoot, "Stu, where's the square button? | 0:49:13 | 0:49:16 | |
Stu, Stu, Stu?" "It's not square, it's number nine on that pad." | 0:49:16 | 0:49:19 | |
"Fucking piece of shit. Fuck you, Stu. Fuck you." | 0:49:19 | 0:49:22 | |
Then, his mum comes into the bedroom. | 0:49:22 | 0:49:25 | |
"Kevin, we're going to phone a Chinese, | 0:49:25 | 0:49:26 | |
"would you like to stay for some Chinese?" | 0:49:26 | 0:49:29 | |
Jackpot. "Of course. | 0:49:29 | 0:49:30 | |
"Of course I'll stay for some Chinese." | 0:49:30 | 0:49:34 | |
You start to relax. I like this family. | 0:49:34 | 0:49:36 | |
I reckon I could be a Cassidy. | 0:49:36 | 0:49:38 | |
Everything is going to plan. Friday night, home delivery. | 0:49:38 | 0:49:42 | |
Then, you get shouted down the stairs, made to set the table. | 0:49:42 | 0:49:45 | |
We're setting the table for a home delivery? | 0:49:45 | 0:49:47 | |
Again, letting it slide. This is the Cassidys. | 0:49:47 | 0:49:50 | |
It's not Christmas Day, but maybe this is their thing. | 0:49:50 | 0:49:52 | |
Maybe they set the table for a home delivery. | 0:49:52 | 0:49:55 | |
Then the food arrives. You don't recognise one thing | 0:49:55 | 0:49:58 | |
that they've ordered. | 0:49:58 | 0:50:00 | |
Not once was I consulted during the ordering process. | 0:50:00 | 0:50:04 | |
I know I'm ten, I know I'm a guest, | 0:50:04 | 0:50:06 | |
but ordering a home delivery is a democratic process. | 0:50:06 | 0:50:09 | |
But again letting it slide. The dad is showing you the food. | 0:50:09 | 0:50:13 | |
"OK, Kevin, this is the king scallops, Szechuan-style. | 0:50:13 | 0:50:16 | |
"This is the kung pao lamb. | 0:50:16 | 0:50:18 | |
"This is the sweet and chilli bean curd." | 0:50:18 | 0:50:20 | |
"This isn't Chinese food, Mr Cassidy. | 0:50:20 | 0:50:21 | |
"Where's all the yellow shit? | 0:50:21 | 0:50:23 | |
"Where's all the chicken balls, chips, curry sauce?" | 0:50:23 | 0:50:27 | |
You'd get laughed out of China for that shite, Mr Cassidy. | 0:50:27 | 0:50:31 | |
Then, he starts saying grace, the dad. | 0:50:34 | 0:50:37 | |
Thanking the Lord for a home delivery. | 0:50:37 | 0:50:40 | |
Just fucking tip the delivery driver. | 0:50:40 | 0:50:42 | |
Job done. | 0:50:42 | 0:50:43 | |
You're trying to plate yourself up some food. | 0:50:45 | 0:50:48 | |
You're going, "Mr Cassidy, where's the rice?" | 0:50:48 | 0:50:51 | |
"Just give us a few minutes on the rice, Kevin. | 0:50:51 | 0:50:54 | |
"It shouldn't be long." "Oh, they never sent the rice? | 0:50:54 | 0:50:57 | |
"I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy." | 0:50:57 | 0:50:59 | |
"Oh, no, no, no. Sheila's just boiling the rice." | 0:50:59 | 0:51:01 | |
"Oh, they sent it not boiled, Mr Cassidy?" | 0:51:03 | 0:51:06 | |
"No, Kevin, they never sent anything. | 0:51:08 | 0:51:10 | |
"We don't order rice from the Chinese. | 0:51:10 | 0:51:12 | |
"Why would we pay £2 for rice when there's a whole jar of rice | 0:51:12 | 0:51:16 | |
"on the worktop? That would just be stupid, wouldn't it?" | 0:51:16 | 0:51:19 | |
Alarm bells are ringing. We're having fucking house rice?! | 0:51:19 | 0:51:22 | |
With a home delivery on a Friday night - | 0:51:30 | 0:51:32 | |
we're having it with house rice?! | 0:51:32 | 0:51:34 | |
The evening's took a sinister turn. | 0:51:36 | 0:51:38 | |
Glaring across the table at wee Stu. | 0:51:38 | 0:51:40 | |
"I'm going to expose you. | 0:51:40 | 0:51:42 | |
"This is going to finish you, Stu. In school on Monday. | 0:51:44 | 0:51:47 | |
"This'll be your nickname for eternity. | 0:51:47 | 0:51:49 | |
"Wee House Rice. Even if you're driving a Ferrari... | 0:51:49 | 0:51:53 | |
"Oh, he's driving a Ferrari, is he?" "Who? House Rice?" | 0:51:53 | 0:51:57 | |
Finish the food, seeing the family. | 0:52:02 | 0:52:04 | |
I don't know if I could be a Cassidy. | 0:52:04 | 0:52:06 | |
Then, you get made to wash the dishes. | 0:52:06 | 0:52:09 | |
"Kevin, why don't you make a little game of it? | 0:52:09 | 0:52:11 | |
"Stewart can wash them, you can dry them." | 0:52:11 | 0:52:13 | |
Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy(!) | 0:52:13 | 0:52:15 | |
Non-stop scream in this house on a Friday night. | 0:52:15 | 0:52:19 | |
Maybe we can change ends at half... | 0:52:21 | 0:52:23 | |
Or is that a bit too out there? | 0:52:23 | 0:52:24 | |
Then, the gran arrives. You get dragged into the living room. | 0:52:26 | 0:52:29 | |
"Yeah, we always watch a movie together as a family, Kevin. | 0:52:29 | 0:52:32 | |
"It's just our little Friday night thing. | 0:52:32 | 0:52:33 | |
"Are you coming in? We're going to watch The Hand | 0:52:33 | 0:52:35 | |
"That Rocks The Cradle? Have you seen it, Kevin?" | 0:52:35 | 0:52:38 | |
"No, Mrs Cassidy, but I've heard it's fantastic. | 0:52:38 | 0:52:40 | |
"I've heard it's hilarious." Having to sit watching this. | 0:52:40 | 0:52:44 | |
How do I get out of here? | 0:52:44 | 0:52:45 | |
I need to get home. I need home. Home. I'm homesick. | 0:52:45 | 0:52:49 | |
I'm only four streets away and I'm homesick. | 0:52:49 | 0:52:51 | |
"Kevin, why don't you just phone your dad and see if | 0:52:51 | 0:52:54 | |
"you can stay overnight? | 0:52:54 | 0:52:55 | |
"That would be nice. Have a wee sleepover." | 0:52:55 | 0:52:58 | |
How the fuck do I get...? Imagine that, Kev? | 0:52:58 | 0:53:00 | |
The overnight package, with these freaks. | 0:53:00 | 0:53:03 | |
"Kevin, phone your dad." This is before mobile phones. | 0:53:05 | 0:53:07 | |
You had to use the living room phone. | 0:53:07 | 0:53:10 | |
The whole family are sitting there. | 0:53:10 | 0:53:12 | |
"Phone your dad, Kevin. Phone your dad." | 0:53:12 | 0:53:14 | |
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle's been paused. | 0:53:14 | 0:53:17 | |
They're all listening in to your phone call. | 0:53:17 | 0:53:19 | |
"Ask if you can stay overnight." | 0:53:19 | 0:53:21 | |
On the phone to your da, solely dependent on your tone, to give | 0:53:21 | 0:53:25 | |
across to your da that you're being held against your will. | 0:53:25 | 0:53:30 | |
This is going to take an acting performance, Kevin. | 0:53:34 | 0:53:37 | |
We need out of here. This isn't a family, this is a cult. | 0:53:37 | 0:53:40 | |
"Phone your dad, Kevin." "All right, I'll phone my dad." | 0:53:41 | 0:53:44 | |
Trying to get a bit of a lump in the throat going, | 0:53:44 | 0:53:46 | |
hoping my dad hears I'm crying. | 0:53:46 | 0:53:48 | |
Comes and rescued me. "Where are you, Kevin? | 0:53:48 | 0:53:49 | |
"I'm going to come and I'll fucking do them. | 0:53:49 | 0:53:51 | |
"Where are you? Where are you?" "Oh, it's ringing, it's ringing." | 0:53:51 | 0:53:55 | |
HE CHOKES | 0:53:55 | 0:53:56 | |
"Hi, Dad?" | 0:53:58 | 0:54:00 | |
"Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight | 0:54:01 | 0:54:04 | |
"at Stewart Cassidy's house?" | 0:54:04 | 0:54:05 | |
"Of course it is, Kevin, you have a great night." | 0:54:05 | 0:54:08 | |
Your dad's not getting it, at all. | 0:54:08 | 0:54:11 | |
"Dad, are you sure I've got no plans in the morning? | 0:54:11 | 0:54:13 | |
"I thought I had some plans. | 0:54:13 | 0:54:15 | |
"Did you not say something about I had something on?" | 0:54:15 | 0:54:17 | |
"Nothing on in the morning, Kevin. | 0:54:17 | 0:54:18 | |
"It's a Saturday morning and you're ten years old, pal. No plans." | 0:54:18 | 0:54:22 | |
That was it. You'd signed up. You were one of them for the evening. | 0:54:26 | 0:54:30 | |
"Kevin, unpause the movie." | 0:54:30 | 0:54:32 | |
"I think it's you that's got the doofer, Mr Cassidy." | 0:54:32 | 0:54:35 | |
"It's me who's got the what? The doofer? The doofer? | 0:54:35 | 0:54:38 | |
"Is that what you call the remote control?" | 0:54:38 | 0:54:40 | |
"The doofer?" He's laughing, the maw's laughing. | 0:54:40 | 0:54:43 | |
The whole family, wee House Rice is laughing. | 0:54:43 | 0:54:45 | |
They're all laughing at you. They're ripping the piss out of you, Kev. | 0:54:45 | 0:54:48 | |
"The doofer! The doofer!" | 0:54:48 | 0:54:49 | |
Hook the da, Kev. Hook the da. | 0:54:49 | 0:54:52 | |
Take the whole family out. One jab to the da. | 0:54:54 | 0:54:57 | |
No family recovers from a jab to the da. | 0:54:57 | 0:55:00 | |
"The doofer!" Fucking knock him out, Kev. | 0:55:00 | 0:55:03 | |
Then, you're nudging wee Stu. "Mon, we'll go up to the bedroom. | 0:55:06 | 0:55:08 | |
"Mon, we'll go up, House Rice. Mon, we'll go to bed." | 0:55:08 | 0:55:12 | |
The da catches you. "Are you trying to get Stewart to go to bed | 0:55:12 | 0:55:15 | |
"with you, Kevin? Is there something you're not telling us?" | 0:55:15 | 0:55:18 | |
You're on thin ice, Mr Cassidy, you old bastard. | 0:55:18 | 0:55:21 | |
Eventually, up to the bedroom. | 0:55:24 | 0:55:26 | |
Wee House Rice just goes to sleep straightaway. | 0:55:26 | 0:55:29 | |
You're left alone on his floorboards, | 0:55:29 | 0:55:31 | |
inside a Scooby-Doo sleeping bag. | 0:55:31 | 0:55:34 | |
You've not even got a pillow, | 0:55:36 | 0:55:37 | |
you've got a cushion off the couch, with the zip on your neck, | 0:55:37 | 0:55:41 | |
having to turn it. | 0:55:41 | 0:55:43 | |
Alone, breathing in their family smell, their house smell. | 0:55:43 | 0:55:47 | |
The whole family smell the same. I recognise that smell, | 0:55:47 | 0:55:51 | |
that's the way he smells when I sit beside him in school. | 0:55:51 | 0:55:54 | |
I wonder if he stunk out the house or the house stunk him out. | 0:55:54 | 0:55:56 | |
I wonder what came first? Listen to these noises. | 0:55:56 | 0:56:01 | |
How loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice? | 0:56:01 | 0:56:03 | |
Ticking away every second of this torture. | 0:56:03 | 0:56:06 | |
I need out of here. I wonder what time I can leave here. | 0:56:06 | 0:56:09 | |
Do you think five in the morning's a bit early? | 0:56:09 | 0:56:12 | |
That's the target, Kev. | 0:56:12 | 0:56:14 | |
Five in the morning. Anybody catches you trying to leave... | 0:56:14 | 0:56:17 | |
"Are you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?" | 0:56:17 | 0:56:20 | |
Wonder what you get for breakfast in this shithole? | 0:56:20 | 0:56:23 | |
"What would you like your breakfast, Kevin?" | 0:56:24 | 0:56:26 | |
"Maybe some eggy bread?" | 0:56:26 | 0:56:28 | |
"Eggy bread? Is that what you call French toast?!" | 0:56:28 | 0:56:30 | |
All that shite starts again. | 0:56:30 | 0:56:32 | |
All the House Riceses laughing at you. | 0:56:32 | 0:56:35 | |
"Are you not going to stay, Kevin? We're going to have Alpen. | 0:56:36 | 0:56:39 | |
"Do you like Alpen?" "Mm, yes, Mrs Cassidy, | 0:56:39 | 0:56:42 | |
"I love nothing better on a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen. | 0:56:42 | 0:56:45 | |
"That's what gets me through the week. Mmm." | 0:56:45 | 0:56:48 | |
Get something in that frying pan, you fucking boot. | 0:56:48 | 0:56:52 | |
Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow, thank you for listening. | 0:56:56 | 0:57:00 | |
It's been a pleasure talking to you. | 0:57:00 | 0:57:02 | |
Thanks very much. Good night, Glasgow. | 0:57:02 | 0:57:03 | |
Take care. Love one another. Thank you. | 0:57:03 | 0:57:06 | |
Cheers. | 0:57:06 | 0:57:07 | |
Thank you. Good night. Cheers. | 0:57:13 | 0:57:15 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:57:15 | 0:57:20 |