Episode 1 Late Licence

This programme contains some strong language

-Mate!

-Mate!

-Mate!

-Mate!

-Mate!

-Mate!

-Mate!

I...I say it last.

Mate!

15, you're an absolute nightmare, you bloody chancer!

These absolute muppets aren't fit to wear the shirt.

Couldn't agree more, mate.

Ah, if only I was back out there, lads.

Oh, absolutely, Mike! They'd be lording it with you out there.

What was that career-ending injury of yours again?

A crippling social schedule.

And hay fever.

I'm surprised you played through the allergy barrier as long as you did, Mike.

I remember when you played against Munster in '05

on a warm summer's day with a particularly high pollen count.

Your nose was running like a tap, but...you just kept playing.

I'm a warrior, lads, you know that.

Ref, he's got to see red for that!

So do you ever think of making a return to the game, Mike?

Not for me to say, mate. That's up to the Ulster Rugby Management.

Did you...leave on bad terms?

I refused to travel to Cardiff for a European away game.

-Do you not like flying?

-No, it's not that, mate.

-I just can't imagine there's very much to do in Wales, so...

-Fair enough.

Oh, mate! 15! Are you scared of making a tackle?

15, have you broken a nail?

-Make a tackle, mate!

-I think he's actually injured.

-He's coming off.

He's coming this way.

Yeah, good game, bro.

Take yourself off.

What's that guy's problem?! "Take yourself off"!

Do you remember in the '90s, Alanis Morissette released a song

called Ironic, and everybody loved it?

Except the only thing that was ironic about that song

was that nothing in it was ironic.

It was just a series of annoying events.

So I've written my song and it's called Annoying.

# It's a painful shit

# When you don't even drink

# It's a full set of lips

# But her onion breath stinks

# It's hair on the legs

# Of the girl of your dreams

# It's when the priest calls round

# And you've got no Custard Creams

# It's a ginger pube

# On a fresh linen sheet

# It's Good Friday night

# But you're craving some meat

# It's a kick in the dick

# You're not wearing a cup

# It's not finding the right words

# To make your second verse rhyme

# But that is just annoying

# It's not irony

# Isn't it annoying

# When people use the wrong word? #

And I keep the pencils all lined up here, HB to B,

and the pens are in order of colour, light to dark.

The stapler is at right angles to the edge of the desk and my A4

pad is perfectly lined up with the side of the keyboard.

And that means then, there is plenty of space for the

severed fingers that I keep in the draw.

Many people you see on the show you'll have never seen before

on screen and that's kind of the beauty of what we're trying to do.

Obviously you'll know me, though, Shane Todd from 2008

Northern Irish independent film, Battle Of The Bone.

Not the sort of film you think it is, Battle Of The bone.

This is genuinely a film, by the way.

I haven't made this in my bedroom for the purposes of this gig. This...

To give you an idea of the sort of success Battle Of The Bone in numbers, really,

in HMV last year, it was, and I quote, "free with any purchase".

ANY purchase.

When you do a film like... Have you got a film? No?

Just me. Um...

When you do a film, you obviously want to get

a review for the cover, just to let people know that it's good

and try and entice them to buy it.

And we got a pretty good one for Battle Of The Bone.

Obviously this was sent in as a joke and wasn't meant to be put on.

But so in the zone were the makers of Battle Of The Bone, that they

just put it on there. So, Battle Of The Bone, check it out.

"Arguably the greatest Irish martial arts zombie movie ever made."

Arguably.

Free with any purchase.

Any purchase.

I am a lady.

And thus I have written a song about ladies.

And really, I'm very proud of being a lady from Northern Ireland.

I'm delighted to be from Northern Ireland.

And, you know, some ladies get a bad rep from Northern Ireland,

they're all, like, out there,

but there's some very nice ladies from Northern Ireland.

Do you know who I mean? They are very, very nice. Nice ladies.

So this is a song about them.

# We're very nice ladies

# Oh, yes, we're very nice ladies

# Sex is only needed when someone wants a baby

# If our husbands wanted more

# Then they should have joined the Navy

# We're very nice ladies, oh, yes!

# We're very nice ladies, oh, yes!

# Socialising at church, we say hello to God,

# We don't say hello to Sally

# Since her husband lost his job

# We're very nice ladies

# Oh, yes, we're very nice!

# Oh, yes!

# We shake our heads at parties

# Saying Northern Ireland's such a state

# With women's rights

# Gays singing with pride

# It's almost like we're out of date.

# No, no!

# We're very nice ladies

# Oh, yes, we're very nice ladies

# We are not racist like the slobs on Stephen Nolan,

# Our gardeners are from Portugal

# Our cleaners are from Poland

# We're very, very happy, behind the smiles we're screaming

# Without the cars and money

# Our lives would have no meaning

# Yes, yes, we're very nice ladies

# Yes, yes, we're very nice ladies

# We're nice, we're nice, we're nice, we're nice,

# We're nice, we're nice, we're nice, we're nice, we're NICE! #

I blame the parents. I mean, where are they?

And what are they doing that is so important

that they can't play games with their children?

I mean, what could the parents possibly be doing

that they couldn't involve the kids with, eh?

Guys, you may have noticed recently, that the towns and cities

have become densely populated with what we like to call "hipster bars".

These are typically bars that you pay about 25 quid into

and you get to sit and drink in a room that typically a tramp

wouldn't take a shit in.

We like to call it quirky, though.

Here at the Weasel & Frisbee, we've fabricated a pub's atmosphere

and character by raiding skips and stopping any renovation work halfway through,

thus exposing brickwork and plumbing.

Yeah, here at the Monkey & Cheesecake, I would also

suggest that no two chairs are the same in the entire venue.

You could be sitting on a milking stool, having a Tumblr exchange

with a friend who's on a stepladder.

Dude, what's the Wi-Fi code here?

Well, we only have dial-up, so don't even worry about it.

HE HAWKS AND SPITS

It's not a good year.

We would also suggest, just to keep the attention of the punter,

that you don't serve your drinks in regular vessels,

that's why we'll do a chocolate stout out of this sweetie jar here,

or you can get an organic gin bomb in a teapot.

We also do "fill your boots" for £3.

Like, your actual boots.

Yeah, and if you're not wearing boots,

if you're wearing sandals, for example, we will put it in a cup.

Anything smaller, dude? That's like four-and-a-half litres.

I also think it's essential to have a knackered old piano

in the corner, just in case an unsigned indie genius wants to come in

and preview his EP.

All right, dudes, this one's called Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.

# Uh-uh-oh!

# Uh-uh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh! Uh! #

Cheers, Chief! I'm absolutely Gascoigned.

HE SLURPS

Hi, everyone! I'm Sammy Parker and this is day one of my amazing

weight loss journey!

I've always had a bit of chunk in my trunk and I'm not embarrassed

to admit that, because I am doing something about it.

You see, I met my ex-fiance and his new skinny girlfriend

out last week and she actually asked me when my baby was due.

Yeah! She did!

Oh, the look of pity as she scanned my babyless gut.

SHE SNARLS

Now, obviously, I don't want to end up a skinny drainpipe

with no personality, like her.

But the orange-peel arse and Crimplene thighs, they have to go.

So, I'm going to show you all how it's done!

I am joining Flab Busters!

Yay! Because I have sat on my sofa all week

and I have watched every workout DVD from Davina to Jane Fonda

and like, nothing has happened. Like, zero.

Like, zilch, like NOTHING!

So big changes have to happen.

I mean, I have a lifetime of binge-eating to contend with.

I blame the parents. Oh, yeah.

I mean, you see my mother, Sandra "the feeder" Parker.

You daren't open your mouth near her otherwise you get

a chicken and mushroom vol-au-vent shoved into it.

I mean, she's like one of them crazy Americans that force-feed

their girlfriends until they're so fat they have to be airlifted

out of their condo by helicopter and taken to get a gastric band fitted!

No, you see, I need an intervention.

Not apple pie and Pooh Bear ice cream.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, the diet starts tomorrow.

-Right, hand me a topic.

-Er... Welfare?

-RAPS:

-Yo, yo, welfare's well mad for...

For people like me

Er... Live like me for a day, that's a dare

You won't be able to do it

They don't care, the politicians

All their ideas are dormant, up in Stormont,

Jamie Dornan, Fifty Shades Of Grey,

slashing MY pay?

Nah...

Sly!

What is welfare?

Like I said, I want you to remember this,

my name's Fergus O'Queeff,

that's with two Fs, please, and a capital Q.

I remember somebody once asked me in an interview...

It was the last one she ever conducted, mind you,

she didn't work in this town again.

She asked me, "Fergus, what were the songs that you couldn't fix?"

And I laughed!

I...

I said, "No, no, dear. No, no."

And she came to me and she asked me this and I thought about it

and I thought, "Certainly there are songs about I haven't fixed,

"not that I couldn't."

But I recall, when...

I thought about it,

and I thought about the amount of people that have come to me

asking my advice over the years.

We are talking in the thousands here.

And they come to me, all with the same spiel,

"Fergus, you've been in the business 30 years, help me!"

And I try to help.

And sometimes they take your advice and sometimes they don't.

I can count on one hand the amount of people that haven't taken

the advice and have gone on and made something of their lives.

And...that's Michael Ball.

You know, that's Donny Osmond.

And national treasure, Jim Kerr.

I hold my hands up and I say, fair play to you! Fair play.

When Michael came to me, when he was still black...

And he said to me, he said, "Kieran..." and I said, "It's Fergus!"

He said to me, "I have a lot of ideas for songs for a new album,"

and I said, "Fine, let me hear it."

And he gave them to me, and one of them, you know...

We're firing ideas back and forth, as you do, you know?

You guys will know what I'm talking about.

So he came to me and said, "It don't matter if you're black or white." I said, "Of course it does."

Of course it does. He said, "I want to be bad!" I said, "What if you were good?"

He said, "Billie Jean wasn't my lover," and I said, "What if she WAS, Michael?"

He said "Beat it," I said, "Go fuck yourself!"

Yeah?

And in fairness to him, he must've gotten the message,

because I haven't heard from him in the last two or three years, so...