Episode 2 Late Licence

It's actually really good to be up in Belfast,

because I like it. If anybody is wondering,

looking at me, "Is he? Isn't he?"

Obviously, I am, I'm from Dublin.

I like it because people in Dublin think that Belfast

has an intimidating accent, which I don't get, I don't see it,

because in Belfast, I think it's quite camp,

cos I spent so much time watching Coronation Street growing up

that when I see Gerry Adams, all I hear is Julian from UTV.

So it's given me a really interesting perspective

on Northern Ireland in a way,

because it doesn't matter to me if you're Catholic or Protestant -

you're all just continuity announcers to me.

To be honest, I would have been shit craic during the Troubles.

If you'd rang me and I was working in the Europa Hotel,

I just wouldn't have been able to take it seriously.

You would have been like, "There's a bomb in the hotel,"

and I would have been like, "Ooh! Mavis is in trouble now!"

I love Julian, cos I think having a camp accent

lets you get away with murder.

There is a difference when you go abroad, though,

in the camp accent, cos I was over gigging in London

and I noticed that camp people in London speak very slowly.

LONDON ACCENT: "Very slow, dahling.

"Nothing to see here, just taking my time about being gay.

"No, it's wonderful, dahling."

STILL IN LONDON ACCENT: They kind of hiss at you like a snake charmer.

"Oh, 'ello, dahling. Ohhhhh."

OWN VOICE: Whereas in Ireland, camp people speak very quickly.

If you met a camp fella in Dublin and went, "How was your night, John?"

He'd say, "Oh, my God, I'll tell you all.

"I was out last night, the George, then the Dragon,

"then went for a couple of Blue WKDs. I was like, 'No more!'

"Then I said, 'Smirnoff! Hello!'

"I went dancing after that and I went, 'Hello! It's like Ibiza!

"'Would you be able? I'm not able,' but I was able."

I think that that's evolutionary.

Because I think if you didn't want people to know you were gay,

maybe in the '60s and '70s and more bigoted times,

CAMP ENGLISH ACCENT: in London, you'd get away

with this accent, wouldn't you, dahling?

Because there'd be very little difference between being gay

or just being very wealthy.

"Oh, no, I'm not gay! Nooo! I'm just rich!

"Stinking rich!"

Whereas we didn't have that option in Ireland.

In Ireland, if you wanted to tell somebody you were gay,

you had to do that so quickly.

There were men in the 1980s in Dublin

standing outside bars going,

"Oh, yeah, it was brilliant, Tony, had a great time.

"Brilliant match, I tell ya.

"And the wedding yesterday - absolutely brilliant."

And then out of the corner of your eye,

you'd spot a fella that you just knew was gay.

And you'd go, "One second, Tony, I'll be back to you in a minute.

"No, wait there. I'll be back to you in a minute."

He'd go over and go... CAMP: "Listen, I'm gay as well, but you can't tell anyone,

so I'll meet you back here about 9pm, all right?

"Talk to you later. By the way, loved your service, Father.

"Thanks, bye."

BUTCH: "Go on, Tony."

Hi, we are Hudson and Gulliver Broux of Bro Broux's Coffee Company.

We recently literally left our jobs

as information technology consultants.

We literally asked ourselves,

"Are we happy earning seven figures per annum, pre-tax?"

The answer to that was literally, "Not really."

Once we left, we discovered there was a gap in the market for artisan,

free-range organic plaid-strained coffee,

which of course we sell to our customers in a gravy boat.

Obviously.

The thing that makes our business special

is that we like to keep it really exclusive,

so we only really brew one cup of plaid-strained coffee.

Then I'll tweet out the location

of where I'm going to sell said cup of coffee.

Yeah, prices start and end at £1,200 sterling.

Which isn't even... I think that's a fair price for this particular area.

-It's nothing.

-It's nothing.

I've been known to pay upwards of four and a half grand for a mocha.

So we're here at the secret location that we tweeted about earlier.

We could probably expect to have a customer along any second now to pay

for this one-off plaid-strained coffee that we brewed earlier.

You did... You did tweet it, didn't you, Gulliver, yeah?

Dude, I deleted Twitter about seven years ago, before it became popular.

I thought you sent the tweet

and I was just supposed to bring cutlery and condiments.

You're absolutely ridiculous, man. Are you jesting me?

Nay.

Unbelievable.

You deleted Twitter?

Who have I've been sending portraits of my genitals to?

Beyonce probably wrote one of the most sexist songs

I've ever heard in my life - If I Was Boy, and it was all how, like,

"If I was a boy, I'd just be, like,

"doing my own thang," right?

I'm like, "That's grand, love."

I think if you were a fella, you might be a wee bit more dead-on,

so...

Controversial, maybe,

true, certainly.

This is my song called If You Were A Boy.

I hope yous enjoy it. Sing along if you know the words.

Yous won't know it.

# If you were a boy

# You'd be a wee bit more sound

# You'd be twice as buckin' likely

# To offer to go and buy a round

# If you were a boy

# You'd like more interesting things

# You wouldn't talk about your tampons

# And all your shitty friends' diamond rings

# If you were a boy

# You wouldn't bribe me with sex

# You wouldn't sit there passing judgment

# While I play Xbox One in my kecks

# If you were a boy

# You would have your own friends

# Like the kind that last forever. #

MUSIC STOPS And not just the sort of ones

that as soon as you meet them, you meet somebody on Tinder,

you just drop your friends and go to the Box with your new boy

that you've been talking to for what, ten minutes?

Then you come back here as soon as he dumps you

and you just expect me to go to Marmaris with ye?

I mean, I just can't!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Jackie Wilson Says by Dexy's Midnight Runners

SINGING ALONG: # Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da

# Ska-ba-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da... #

TURNING MUSIC OFF: As good as that song gets, I'm afraid.

MOBILE RINGS Oh, phone's going.

Better pull safely over.

TYRES SCREECH

Aye, I got a community service.

Did you hear about that? Unbelievable.

I have to go about and make sure dog owners pick up their dog muck.

All because one yobbo caught me on camera

driving whilst assembling my Airbus 380 model.

Oh, aye, I've got power, all right.

Aye, 80 quid maximum fine, or 40 quid concession

if the dog's in a wheelchair.

# I was only joking, my dear... #

Right, where are you for, mate?

Stormont.

Stormont, no problem.

Stormont, I was actually up there the other night.

Wee darts game.

Mm-hm!

Me and... Me and Sammy Wilson.

Sammy's great craic, so he is.

First three darts - 20, 5, 1,

and he goes, "37!" I'm like, "No, Sammy, that's 26.

"Were you not finance minister once?"

He's like, "Uh, might have been. Who knows?"

Then he goes off there about, "Here,

"check out the wee blonde up there in table seven.

"Wouldn't mind finishing on her doubles,

"you know what I'm talking about?!"

I said, "Sammy, that's Stevie Agnew of the Green Party.

"A dude.

"Have you been on the double vods?"

-ON CAR RADIO:

-'So, we've been asking you all afternoon

'to get in contact with us here...'

DOG BARKS Oh, there we go.

Better pick that up, mate.

Your dog!

You're just pretending to use a plastic bag.

Full daylight.

You're not fooling me.

No.

This'll do.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Hands up, mate.

MUSIC: Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

Aye, see you in court, mate.

Oh!

HE WHIMPERS

Och, sweet God, no.

Oh, not the money maker!

So you're telling me you won't print this on a cake for me

because I'm a man?

You know what this is? This is homophobia. I cannot believe this.

The reason I won't print that picture on a cake for you isn't homophobia.

Well, why not, then?

Because it's a picture of my boyfriend.

Well...yes.

-Bollock-naked.

-Right.

I... I have a telephoto lens.

Uh...

PHONE RINGS, HE GROANS

-Hello?

-'Hello.

-'Is that Ballycrana PSNI station?'

-It is.

-Sgt James speaking.

-'Brilliant.

-'Look, I've got a theoretical question.'

-Theoretical question?

'Yeah, yeah.

'Theoretically,

'theoretically, right?

'Just say a fella came to my door and was trying to sell me

'a packet of dusters, right?

'You know, and other sort of cleaning products.'

Sort of cleaning products?

-You mean, like mops and squeegees?

-'Yeah, yeah, right.

'Theoretical mops and squeegees.

'Well, say that theoretically happened - and I really can't stress

'the theoretical part enough, here.

'Say that in trying to sell me those dusters,

'I thought that maybe he was insulting me

'by implying I was a big girl's blouse.'

-Theoretically?

-'Oh, yeah.

'And say I theoretically lost my temper a bit

'and then theoretically beat him theoretically to death

'with a can of Mr Sheen.'

A theoretical can of Mr Sheen?

'Yes, yes, yes, as you say, with a theoretical can of Mr Sheen.

'Now, if all that happened...

'theoretically, would I get off with a plea of self-defence?'

No. That would pretty much be murder in the first degree.

'Ah, right.

-WHISPERING:

-'Mervin!

'He says it's murder!

'So, apparently,

'a plea of self-defence isn't on the cards.'

'Should I get the shovels, then?'

'Yeah, better get the shovels.

'Thanks for that.

'You've been very, very helpful.

'Very theoretically helpful.'

I need to stop answering this phone.

Bad news!

Pound and a half on this week!

I mean, that means I'm half a pound heavier than I was

before I started my "amazing" weight loss journey.

The class leader, old Grotbags, was all, "Think thin, Sammie."

Yeah, well, I thunk thin through my pulled pork baguette

with extra barbecue sauce, but, er, nope!

Still fat!

I have been thinking thin all week!

It's not my fault I have takeaway Tourette's.

You know when you phone your Chinese

for your vegetable chow mein - eight points -

but you end up ordering all this other shite as well?

"Hello, can I have a vegetable chow mein, please?

"And six chicken balls, Peking duck, spare ribs

"and a carton of curry sauce."

Takeaway Tourette's!

It's a real thing.

Yeah, well, Grotbags doesn't seem to think it is either.

She looked at me as though I was two sandwiches short of a picnic.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I'd love a sandwich.

SHE SIGHS

What's up? MC Beezer.

Hit me with a topic, any topic, and I'll just roll with it.

-All right, mate, what about culture?

-# Culture

# Vulture

# It's still all good

# In the hood

# Culture might even involve an event with food.

# Or drink

# Culture makes you think. #

-Done?

-I think that's great there.