Episode 3 Late Licence


Episode 3

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Transcript


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-Can I help you, sir?

-Get the measuring tape out, mate.

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24-carat McGoldrick needs a custom-made suit.

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Boys, this bloody jester's taking all day.

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I doubt we'll have time to go to the gym before tonight's session.

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How can we get our pump on without having got our pump on first?

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OK, we'll just take a few measurements.

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So long as you don't use it as an excuse to touch Mike Junior,

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you absolute bloody banter merchant!

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Boys, I doubt this bloody moron's going to have any customers

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any time soon - what do you say we go #popupgym, right here?

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-Don't think there'll be the room.

-Just you concentrate on making me a suit

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so sweet more birds flock to it than a trawler coming

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back into port at the end of an episode of Deadliest Catch.

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-Bro...

-Yes.

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-Bro...

-Yes.

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-Bro...

-Yes.

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-Very small biceps for an adult male.

-Er...

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Somebody behind me you're talking to?

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Listen, pal - you don't need a measuring tape -

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I need a medium suit with 5XL arms.

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Boys, I have a feeling I'm going to pull a 10 out of 10 tonight.

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Or maybe two 8/10s!

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Alternatively, three 5/10s! Either way,

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it's going to be an absolute bloody rager!

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Sorry, you'll be busy.

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Anyway, it's going to take about 3½, four weeks.

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Er, mate - we're going for an avocado

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and protein smoothie right now.

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You'd better have it ready by the time we get back.

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The night out's tonight.

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It's a custom-made suit.

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For God's sake, it's Barry McGuigan's 55th birthday do in the Europa.

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I will buy your house and evict you from it.

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This is a song for all the bitches in your lives.

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So please, feel free to learn it and make use of it.

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# I hope that no-one laughs

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# At your jokes again

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# I hope late-night online bingo

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# Will become your only friend #

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# I hope deodorant

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# No longer works for you

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# And the dogshit in the street will always find your shoe

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# I hope on busy days

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# Your car will not start

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# And at your next smear test appointment

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# You let out a fanny fart

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# I should just clarify, I don't want harm to come to you

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# But on second thoughts, incurable cystitis would do

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# I pray from this day on

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# Your tights will always rip

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# And no treatment on this earth

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# Will shift that hair above your lip

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# I hope you end up last in every queue you're in

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# But most of all I hope you see that I'm OK

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# And that you didn't...

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# Win. #

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LAUGHTER

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That's the problem with youth today.

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And this is exactly why we need a Neighbourhood Watch,

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because if it wasn't for me keeping an eye on what was

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going on in the street, then all sorts of weirdos would be moving in.

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MUSIC STARTS UP

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But nothing gets past me.

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Those kids are up to something, but when they start,

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I'm going to be here.

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I don't miss a thing.

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My name is Fergus O'Queeff

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and that's with a capital Q and two Fs, please.

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I...

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grew up in West Belfast and people frequently say to me, they say...

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"Fergus, have you forgotten where you came from?" and I say, "Well,

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"I have three fridges now..."

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And to me, that screams status.

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I suppose some of you may know me, you'd certainly know my work,

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but some of you may know me as the Hit Machine,

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that's what I'm known as on the streets.

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I prefer to think of myself as a rugged

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influence on the music of the last 30, 35 years.

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I...got into this business

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via a career in street dance and...

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..I remember when I would be growing up -

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I grew up in West Belfast -

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people would shout things across the street at me

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when I was in my spandex, they would shout things, they would say...

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"Faggot", "Tippy Gaylord", or...

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You know, "shirt lifter" or "nonce" or something like that

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and I'd just ignore it and continue to do my steps, but...

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I...

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I suppose this is a business that I've stayed in...

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People often ask me why I've stayed in it

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and I suppose the reason

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why I stayed in it for so long is because of the people.

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Now, I recall when Gordon was at the early part of his journey...

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Gordon Sumner, you might know him as Sting, but...

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He...

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He came to me...

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and he said... "Ciaran..."

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I said, "My name's Fergus." And he said...

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He said to me...

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Please, please.

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He said to me, he said...

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"I want to write a Christmas album"

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and I said, "Gordon, I love it.

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"However, wouldn't you like to do something a little bit more

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"avant-garde? You know you love the avant-garde."

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And he said, "Well, what sort of stuff do you mean?"

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And I said, not Christmas album, but winter song book.

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And...

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He went away and we put Prokofiev and Shostakovich

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and all those guys in there, and we used it, and nobody bought it.

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But...

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..it was the art that spoke to me.

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You know, I've worked with Gordon, like I say,

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since the start of his journey

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and I remember...

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You'll enjoy this, it's a good story about early Gordon Sumner!

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He came to me and he said to me,

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"I have this song and it's about a streetwalker

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"that I met in Newcastle upon Tyne" and I said, "What's it called?"

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And he said "Joanne". I said,

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"Don't know... Let me hear it."

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He picked a guitar up and this is the way it went... It went...

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# Jo-anne....

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# You don't have to take off your red tights

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# Your pubes are hairy

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# Your pubes are ginger and you're not all that bright... #

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And I said, "I don't know, Gordon,

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"if everybody shares your desire

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"for rusty-pubed hookers..."

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He said, "Let me leave that with you" and he did.

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I took it and I said, "Gordon, we want a song that rocks, yes?"

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He said, "How are we going to do that?"

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I said, "Let's change the name".

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Let's change it to Roxanne.

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And he did and it was a major hit, platinum, and he...

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He was with me, we were at a party

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at Pamela Valentine's house recently...

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He leaned into my ear from over the couch

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and he leaned into my ear

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and he said, "Ciaran...",

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and I said, "It's Fergus..."

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He leaned in here and he said...

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"Thank you for helping me with Roxanne.

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"You are an inspiration.

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"You're the reason why angels play harps."

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And I said to him, "Thank you, Gordon" -

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and that was just so early Gordon Sumner, that's the way he was.

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And I recall he came to me with another idea,

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it was a song called Fields of Gold.

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It was originally about trawling the darker side of the internet.

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And...

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He left it with me

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and we made that one a little more accessible as well, you know.

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Sure. Sure.

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And, you know... That was Gordon.

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So, we've been able to go forward in time

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and get some tweets about the show - this isn't live,

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but use #latelicence if you want to get involved.

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Fortunately, I've been able to travel forward in time

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and just get some of those.

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The first one is,

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"I saw Shane Todd in the waiting room of my dentist recently

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"and he wasn't that funny."

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Number two, "Shane Todd looks a bit like a young Vladimir Putin", so...

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Don't know.

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"When will this programme mention The Troubles, please?"

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"The moment when you find out Mike McGoldrick isn't a real person

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"and it's someone called Sean Toms."

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Not my name.

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"Why is Shane Todd?" Yep, that's just it - why is Shane Todd?

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Thanks a million, guys. God loves a trier, but hates Shane Todd.

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And that one comes in from my dad, so thanks a lot.

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Appreciate it.

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-That music is music to my ears.

-FALSETTO:

-Absolutely gorgeous.

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-So, we are Chuck McGinley and...

-The Manboy.

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Before we became a country music duo,

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we formed a couple of different bands before that.

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We had the hip-hop collective, Beastie Aldi Boys,

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-we had the metal group, um...

-Rage Against The Justine...

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Rage Against The Justine - I used to have a girlfriend called Justine.

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-Hallion?

-Full-scale Hallion.

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We're a big fan of Busted, so we're going to form an Irish cover group,

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call it McBusted and then they joined up with McFly, didn't they...

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-That's right.

-And you were a big fan of Busted.

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Big fan until they tried to sue us.

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They tried to sue us cos we stole the name McBusted.

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-Claimed a fortune, I haven't listened to them since.

-No.

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-Threw the T-shirt out.

-And the posters - I kept one.

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He kept one, in case he runs out of toilet roll.

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I noticed then Chuck had a striking resemblance to Garth Brooks,

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so we decided to get into the country business,

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and then Garth Brooks cancelled all them gigs in Dublin.

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-That wasn't good craic.

-Wasn't good craic - we were getting death threats and all.

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I walked out one morning, there was a full horse's head stuck on a spike.

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In the band, I play the guitar,

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I write most of the songs

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and the Manboy here, he takes care of the vocals, don't you?

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# Yeah, I do! #

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He does and he also plays the percussion,

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takes care of the rhythm section.

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Sorry. Sorry... That's not in time at all.

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Who's playing percussion, me or you, Chuck?

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I don't see anyone playing percussion round here.

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And if you're liking that, Chuck will send it to you

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via Bluetooth for a polyphonic ring tone. How much is it, Chuck?

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3.95 and then the rest of the album's on my Bebo page.

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My cousin recently asked me to be usher at his wedding,

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but... I told him I don't really do impressions.

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He doesn't get it.

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This is great, like filming in Belfast.

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I love travelling round, though - getting out there

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and doing stand-up in as many different places as possible.

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It's my main passion. I did a show in London recently and it sold out.

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I couldn't believe it. I didn't think I'd get five people,

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never mind six.

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But it was good and after the gig... It went well,

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we told the whole audience to go back to a bar near the venue

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and everybody came and we got chatting to this guy.

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I was still buzzing and he was like, "Great show, really enjoyed it".

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He was from Northern Ireland, like many of the audience were,

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and he said just weird request, though.

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"Are you going back to Belfast tomorrow?"

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I was like, "Yeah, I'm travelling back first thing".

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And he said, "I was wondering if you'd do me a favour.

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"If my mate met you at the airport, could you give him this package?

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Just like a small package.

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And I went from buzzing to gutted

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when I realised people had started working out it was cheaper to

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buy tickets to my show in London than to pay postage and packing...

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To send stuff back home. So...

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Shane Todd, part-time comedian, full-time courier, living the...

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Living the dream, lads.

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You see, a lot of people would use the mini fridge to keep their

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lunch in, but I keep my sandwiches in the desk drawer, out of the sun.

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The soup I make in the morning and then I leave it on the radiator

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so it's always toasty

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and I keep my orange juice behind the monitor, where it is nice

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and cool and that leaves

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the fridge free for me to store my pee-pee in.

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