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-Can I help you, sir?
-Get the measuring tape out, mate.
24-carat McGoldrick needs a custom-made suit.
Boys, this bloody jester's taking all day.
I doubt we'll have time to go to the gym before tonight's session.
How can we get our pump on without having got our pump on first?
OK, we'll just take a few measurements.
So long as you don't use it as an excuse to touch Mike Junior,
you absolute bloody banter merchant!
Boys, I doubt this bloody moron's going to have any customers
any time soon - what do you say we go #popupgym, right here?
-Don't think there'll be the room.
-Just you concentrate on making me a suit
so sweet more birds flock to it than a trawler coming
back into port at the end of an episode of Deadliest Catch.
-Very small biceps for an adult male.
Somebody behind me you're talking to?
Listen, pal - you don't need a measuring tape -
I need a medium suit with 5XL arms.
Boys, I have a feeling I'm going to pull a 10 out of 10 tonight.
Or maybe two 8/10s!
Alternatively, three 5/10s! Either way,
it's going to be an absolute bloody rager!
Sorry, you'll be busy.
Anyway, it's going to take about 3½, four weeks.
Er, mate - we're going for an avocado
and protein smoothie right now.
You'd better have it ready by the time we get back.
The night out's tonight.
It's a custom-made suit.
For God's sake, it's Barry McGuigan's 55th birthday do in the Europa.
I will buy your house and evict you from it.
This is a song for all the bitches in your lives.
So please, feel free to learn it and make use of it.
# I hope that no-one laughs
# At your jokes again
# I hope late-night online bingo
# Will become your only friend #
# I hope deodorant
# No longer works for you
# And the dogshit in the street will always find your shoe
# I hope on busy days
# Your car will not start
# And at your next smear test appointment
# You let out a fanny fart
# I should just clarify, I don't want harm to come to you
# But on second thoughts, incurable cystitis would do
# I pray from this day on
# Your tights will always rip
# And no treatment on this earth
# Will shift that hair above your lip
# I hope you end up last in every queue you're in
# But most of all I hope you see that I'm OK
# And that you didn't...
# Win. #
That's the problem with youth today.
And this is exactly why we need a Neighbourhood Watch,
because if it wasn't for me keeping an eye on what was
going on in the street, then all sorts of weirdos would be moving in.
MUSIC STARTS UP
But nothing gets past me.
Those kids are up to something, but when they start,
I'm going to be here.
I don't miss a thing.
My name is Fergus O'Queeff
and that's with a capital Q and two Fs, please.
grew up in West Belfast and people frequently say to me, they say...
"Fergus, have you forgotten where you came from?" and I say, "Well,
"I have three fridges now..."
And to me, that screams status.
I suppose some of you may know me, you'd certainly know my work,
but some of you may know me as the Hit Machine,
that's what I'm known as on the streets.
I prefer to think of myself as a rugged
influence on the music of the last 30, 35 years.
I...got into this business
via a career in street dance and...
..I remember when I would be growing up -
I grew up in West Belfast -
people would shout things across the street at me
when I was in my spandex, they would shout things, they would say...
"Faggot", "Tippy Gaylord", or...
You know, "shirt lifter" or "nonce" or something like that
and I'd just ignore it and continue to do my steps, but...
I suppose this is a business that I've stayed in...
People often ask me why I've stayed in it
and I suppose the reason
why I stayed in it for so long is because of the people.
Now, I recall when Gordon was at the early part of his journey...
Gordon Sumner, you might know him as Sting, but...
He came to me...
and he said... "Ciaran..."
I said, "My name's Fergus." And he said...
He said to me...
He said to me, he said...
"I want to write a Christmas album"
and I said, "Gordon, I love it.
"However, wouldn't you like to do something a little bit more
"avant-garde? You know you love the avant-garde."
And he said, "Well, what sort of stuff do you mean?"
And I said, not Christmas album, but winter song book.
He went away and we put Prokofiev and Shostakovich
and all those guys in there, and we used it, and nobody bought it.
..it was the art that spoke to me.
You know, I've worked with Gordon, like I say,
since the start of his journey
and I remember...
You'll enjoy this, it's a good story about early Gordon Sumner!
He came to me and he said to me,
"I have this song and it's about a streetwalker
"that I met in Newcastle upon Tyne" and I said, "What's it called?"
And he said "Joanne". I said,
"Don't know... Let me hear it."
He picked a guitar up and this is the way it went... It went...
# You don't have to take off your red tights
# Your pubes are hairy
# Your pubes are ginger and you're not all that bright... #
And I said, "I don't know, Gordon,
"if everybody shares your desire
"for rusty-pubed hookers..."
He said, "Let me leave that with you" and he did.
I took it and I said, "Gordon, we want a song that rocks, yes?"
He said, "How are we going to do that?"
I said, "Let's change the name".
Let's change it to Roxanne.
And he did and it was a major hit, platinum, and he...
He was with me, we were at a party
at Pamela Valentine's house recently...
He leaned into my ear from over the couch
and he leaned into my ear
and he said, "Ciaran...",
and I said, "It's Fergus..."
He leaned in here and he said...
"Thank you for helping me with Roxanne.
"You are an inspiration.
"You're the reason why angels play harps."
And I said to him, "Thank you, Gordon" -
and that was just so early Gordon Sumner, that's the way he was.
And I recall he came to me with another idea,
it was a song called Fields of Gold.
It was originally about trawling the darker side of the internet.
He left it with me
and we made that one a little more accessible as well, you know.
And, you know... That was Gordon.
So, we've been able to go forward in time
and get some tweets about the show - this isn't live,
but use #latelicence if you want to get involved.
Fortunately, I've been able to travel forward in time
and just get some of those.
The first one is,
"I saw Shane Todd in the waiting room of my dentist recently
"and he wasn't that funny."
Number two, "Shane Todd looks a bit like a young Vladimir Putin", so...
"When will this programme mention The Troubles, please?"
"The moment when you find out Mike McGoldrick isn't a real person
"and it's someone called Sean Toms."
Not my name.
"Why is Shane Todd?" Yep, that's just it - why is Shane Todd?
Thanks a million, guys. God loves a trier, but hates Shane Todd.
And that one comes in from my dad, so thanks a lot.
-That music is music to my ears.
-So, we are Chuck McGinley and...
Before we became a country music duo,
we formed a couple of different bands before that.
We had the hip-hop collective, Beastie Aldi Boys,
-we had the metal group, um...
-Rage Against The Justine...
Rage Against The Justine - I used to have a girlfriend called Justine.
We're a big fan of Busted, so we're going to form an Irish cover group,
call it McBusted and then they joined up with McFly, didn't they...
-And you were a big fan of Busted.
Big fan until they tried to sue us.
They tried to sue us cos we stole the name McBusted.
-Claimed a fortune, I haven't listened to them since.
-Threw the T-shirt out.
-And the posters - I kept one.
He kept one, in case he runs out of toilet roll.
I noticed then Chuck had a striking resemblance to Garth Brooks,
so we decided to get into the country business,
and then Garth Brooks cancelled all them gigs in Dublin.
-That wasn't good craic.
-Wasn't good craic - we were getting death threats and all.
I walked out one morning, there was a full horse's head stuck on a spike.
In the band, I play the guitar,
I write most of the songs
and the Manboy here, he takes care of the vocals, don't you?
# Yeah, I do! #
He does and he also plays the percussion,
takes care of the rhythm section.
Sorry. Sorry... That's not in time at all.
Who's playing percussion, me or you, Chuck?
I don't see anyone playing percussion round here.
And if you're liking that, Chuck will send it to you
via Bluetooth for a polyphonic ring tone. How much is it, Chuck?
3.95 and then the rest of the album's on my Bebo page.
My cousin recently asked me to be usher at his wedding,
but... I told him I don't really do impressions.
He doesn't get it.
This is great, like filming in Belfast.
I love travelling round, though - getting out there
and doing stand-up in as many different places as possible.
It's my main passion. I did a show in London recently and it sold out.
I couldn't believe it. I didn't think I'd get five people,
never mind six.
But it was good and after the gig... It went well,
we told the whole audience to go back to a bar near the venue
and everybody came and we got chatting to this guy.
I was still buzzing and he was like, "Great show, really enjoyed it".
He was from Northern Ireland, like many of the audience were,
and he said just weird request, though.
"Are you going back to Belfast tomorrow?"
I was like, "Yeah, I'm travelling back first thing".
And he said, "I was wondering if you'd do me a favour.
"If my mate met you at the airport, could you give him this package?
Just like a small package.
And I went from buzzing to gutted
when I realised people had started working out it was cheaper to
buy tickets to my show in London than to pay postage and packing...
To send stuff back home. So...
Shane Todd, part-time comedian, full-time courier, living the...
Living the dream, lads.
You see, a lot of people would use the mini fridge to keep their
lunch in, but I keep my sandwiches in the desk drawer, out of the sun.
The soup I make in the morning and then I leave it on the radiator
so it's always toasty
and I keep my orange juice behind the monitor, where it is nice
and cool and that leaves
the fridge free for me to store my pee-pee in.