Episode 4 Late Licence


Episode 4

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DOG BARKS

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CHILDREN YELL

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SHE STRAINS

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Devil licked it, God cleaned it...

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And I ate it.

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SHE EXHALES

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My weight stayed the same this week,

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even though I've been exercising.

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But you know what? I've had a revelation about myself.

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I'm an emotional eater.

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It all started when I was a kid at school, packed lunches.

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My mum used to buy yellow pack everything.

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Crisps, chocolate, even the napkins were yellow pack.

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No 5-4-3-2-1s or Blue Riband for me, oh, no!

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"You're only paying for the wrapper, Sammy!"

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Yeah! Well, all the kids used to laugh at me.

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I was traumatised!

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It was yellow pack hell.

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I used to scoff my food that fast

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just so I could get rid of the big yellow wrappers.

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SHE GASPS

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And then I'd have food envy as my mates ate all their

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Marathon bars and their Yop drinks.

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SHE GASPS

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And then, when I split up with my ex,

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I ate an entire family bargain bucket chicken feast bonanza.

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By myself.

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Wasn't the first time.

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And it won't be the last.

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SHE SIGHS

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But you see, now that I know this, I'm not going to be

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so hard on myself, because you see,

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-I

-am a damaged child.

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I'm still trying to eat my way out of that yellow pack hell.

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It's all about self-control.

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SOUND OF ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC

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Well, I'm a work in progress.

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Diet starts tomorrow.

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Ooof!

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I wouldn't be very good at confrontation,

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it's just something I can't do.

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Even if it's good confrontation. My nanna always just said,

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"If somebody offers you a cup of tea you don't want, just take it."

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It is the Irish way. It's because you're Irish.

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That's what you have to do.

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And I can't do it!

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I'm to tell you, right, I'm the kind of fellow who,

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if I'm in a taxi and the taxi driver's telling me a story,

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I wouldn't want to interrupt him, even though I know I've passed my house.

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I've been in taxis to my house in Tulla and the driver's been

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telling me about his divorce and then he goes, "Where were we going again?"

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I'm like, "Kildare?"

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"And back again?"

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And in fact, one time I was on a flight and a woman saw me

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and I'm quite camp, you know.

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When I came out, my parents were like, "Al, you need to come in."

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And on the flight, the woman mistook me for being an air steward.

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And I just didn't tell her I wasn't.

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She said, "A white wine please," and I went and got her one.

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The weird part was that she looked me up and down, really gave me a good look

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and said, "Oh, look at you there! Is it a no-uniform day, is it?"

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"A no-uniform day? Uh-huh?"

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I just couldn't understand how she thought that was a thing,

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because to me, a no-uniform cabin-crew day is called a hijacking.

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A friend said to me, "Here's a joke for you!"

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And people often do that to comics, "Here's a joke for you!"

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And all I do on stage is talk shite about my life, so I figured

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he meant do it as a practical joke, you know, practical joke?

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So he said, "Go to the top of a taxi rank

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"and knock on the first two windows

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"and offer the first two drivers of the taxi...

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"..a blow job to bring you home."

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And then they'll say no, you knock on the third window

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and say, "Will you bring me home?"

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He'll say, "Of course", and as he drives off, the other two drivers

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will be looking at him going,

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"Oh, now, I didn't know that Brian was into that!"

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So I thought, this is going to be a great idea for a practical joke.

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I love it, right? So I did this one when I was up in Belfast, OK?

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And I was on Botanic Avenue and I went into a taxi

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and knocked on the first window and your man went, "What?"

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And I said,

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"If you bring me home, I'll give you a blow job."

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And he went, "Ha-ha!"

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"All right."

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FEEBLE APPLAUSE

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So everybody has their reasons why they get addicted to stuff.

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For me, I got addicted to rave music back in the '90s,

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which in turn meant I then became addicted to drugs.

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Me and my mates used to go out every weekend, we'd take everything.

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We'd take Es, we'd take coke, we took speed.

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And then of course we took Rennies,

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because you take that much drugs, gives you a terrible heartburn.

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The music was good back then, but the more drugs you took,

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the better the music got.

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Started taking loads of drugs.

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Got into DJing, DJ Bellies on the wheels of steel.

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Started taking way more drugs, and I started stealing,

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stole from everybody.

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I stole from my family!

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-TEARFULLY:

-I even ended up stealing from own mother.

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HE SOBS

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So then I got out of prison.

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Sober and clean.

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And as much as I miss getting high -

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high as an eagle's nipples, let me tell you -

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I realised it wasn't the drugs that I missed, guys, it wasn't, no.

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It wasn't the drugs at all.

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It was just the music that I missed.

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It was just the music, guys!

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I just missed the music!

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DJ Sammy, drop that beat for me, mate! Here we go.

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Glow sticks '96!

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90S RAVE MUSIC PLAYS

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That's it, in the zone, in the zone now, that's us! That's us!

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Ooh-ooh! Irt-Irt!

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MUSIC CONTINUES

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-Sorry...

-GASPS

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GASPS CLEARS THROAT

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You probably do need a lot of drugs to listen to that sort of music, to be fair.

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HE EXHALES

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-You probably do need the drugs.

-HE HURLS

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Yous are all finding it too harsh over this end.

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There's too much menopause over here.

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Um...

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They told me not to swear, so what I'm doing now is being mean. It's mental.

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Anyway...

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When you're going to write an Irish folk song,

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the first thing you want to do is get this chord.

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It sounds really sad and ominous, it's called A minor, it's like this.

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Right?

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And then, obviously, because it's Irish folk, you want to really thump

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the shit out of that chord, like this...

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You know, like...

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Get your mad eyes on!

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You know, like you're going to fight your ma! Right?

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Imagine this, right.

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You're riding towards an army checkpoint, right?

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And the only thing protecting you is a stolen Peugeot 306.

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Right, so then, lyrics-wise, right,

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what do you want to do is, think of a year in the 1800s, right?

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You want to think about something the Brits did.

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Say it again, I will, for yous!

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You want to think about something the English did!

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Then you want to pick an Irish folk hero who tried to help

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the Irish by selling food, right?

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And you want to shorten his name down, so makes it sounds like

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you were mates with him, so, if it was Michael Collins,

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you'd go, "Big Mickey Collins!" Right?

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The last thing you have to remember is then to sing like

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somebody strangling a goose, right?

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Not just any goose, though.

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Like one that's being like, you know, corn-fed in Cork and then thrown into your microwave, live.

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And then you put all those things together and this is what you get.

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# It was 1840 in Ballygortinasnugget

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# The English brought the blight

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# And big Dan O'Connell was selling chicken nuggets

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# But the weather was buckin' shite. #

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ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

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-ALL: Cheers!

-Hear, hear.

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ALL: Hear, hear!

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Anyway, guys. Poor bugger breaks her spine skiing,

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nine months in a Swiss hospital.

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What am I going to do?

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THEY LAUGH

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-Guys, let's have an absolute rager tonight.

-Absolutely.

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-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Um, Mike?

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Thomas Anderson just walked in.

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But don't look now, OK?

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Mike McGoldrick.

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Thomas Anderson, is it not £8 in to the club tonight?

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-What did you do, sneak in, bro?

-I have never paid into a club.

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That may be true, old sport, but this is a VIP area,

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which stands for very...

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..i-intelligent player.

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So how did someone stupid like you get in?

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Great chat.

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Look, I know you're jealous that I'm back from my gap year

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and I'm ready to make a play to take over the social scene again.

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Mate, when you were on your gap year, I bought and sold the company.

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-I've got more dough than Pizza Hut at the minute, bro.

-Great banter.

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Look, why don't we say you and the boys just get out of here?

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The big dog is back, return of the Mack.

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Yeah, you're the "Big Mac", because you're a...burger!

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How dare you.

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PS, I don't even get that banter.

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PPS, where's your girlfriend, Anderson?

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That's right, I heard she left you to go and "find herself".

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How absolutely dare you!

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Fair play to her, I mean, I hear she did find herself.

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Last spotted in my bedroom.

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I asked her if she could stick around for breakfast.

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Look, Mike, just calm down. You don't want to cause a scene here.

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You'll have to fight another day, Anderson.

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It's kind of wrong to make fun of my man whose father's recently

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had to downgrade to the 2014 Porsche?

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I beg your pardon?

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Well, I happen to despise beggars, sir.

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Does anybody know quiff CPR?

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This is the worst thing I've ever witnessed in my very sheltered life.

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Were losing volume here, people!

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HE GASPS

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All right! How's it going?

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Listen, listen, I have to say I'm sorry about your dog.

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Sorry to hear that, like.

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Uh-huh. Well, articulated lorries will do that to them, mate,

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you know what they're like.

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Uh-huh. You what?

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Well, he'll be accepting Christ into his heart, you know.

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I'm sure he is in heaven, somewhere...

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But anyway, I'm phoning to tell you, you take the week off, all right?

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I'm going to cover for you.

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I've got to do one of these tours now, as well.

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Oh, what do you need to know? I'll just make it up as I go along. Aye.

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Here's one now. I'd better go. Cheerio, all right?

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Hi, you must be Davy?

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-How long you here for?

-I'm here...

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-What part of America are you from?

-Well, I'm...

-We'll get going, sir. uh-huh.

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This is Belfast, you know?

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Um...Bel... "Belfast" coming from the old Irish for "Bell Fester",

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-which of course means "radioactive trout".

-Oh?

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Hence the massive fish there, of course.

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Now, you see that wee girl in the pink flowery tracksuit thing?

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-Says "Too Juicy" on her backside, but the waves are falling off her arse?

-Yes.

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No, no. You're looking at the guy who's trying to break into that ambulance.

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See beside him, right?

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You see where the guy is throwing chicken fillets at the police?

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Behind the group of small children? Smoking?

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Yes! Aye! That's what they're doing, aye! See there, right?

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That's the exact point where Bill Clinton promised a

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-better future for Northern Ireland.

-Wow!

-Right y'are.

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-Bit of history there. Take a wee picture.

-I think we should.

-Uh-huh.

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You can blur out the kids.

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Um, you couldn't have a wee look in the footwell there

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for my sunglasses?

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Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

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-There's Gerry Adams!

-Where?

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-Gerry Adams!

-Where? Where?!

-You missed him, mate! Ah!

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And that wee girl, mate, despite all the odds, this always gets me.

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-TEARFULLY:

-That wee girl...

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-grew up to be Liam Neeson.

-Wow.

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Liam Neeson.

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And that's where he lived, just that wee porch, over there.

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Oh, it's amazing. It's a Belfast story, mate. That's what it is.

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An amazing Belfast story.

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Take a picture.

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You can blur out the kids.

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