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DOG BARKS | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
CHILDREN YELL | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
SHE STRAINS | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
Devil licked it, God cleaned it... | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
And I ate it. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
SHE EXHALES | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
My weight stayed the same this week, | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
even though I've been exercising. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
But you know what? I've had a revelation about myself. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:49 | |
I'm an emotional eater. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
It all started when I was a kid at school, packed lunches. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
My mum used to buy yellow pack everything. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
Crisps, chocolate, even the napkins were yellow pack. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
No 5-4-3-2-1s or Blue Riband for me, oh, no! | 0:01:01 | 0:01:05 | |
"You're only paying for the wrapper, Sammy!" | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
Yeah! Well, all the kids used to laugh at me. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
I was traumatised! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
It was yellow pack hell. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:14 | |
I used to scoff my food that fast | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
just so I could get rid of the big yellow wrappers. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:01:21 | 0:01:22 | |
And then I'd have food envy as my mates ate all their | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
Marathon bars and their Yop drinks. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
And then, when I split up with my ex, | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
I ate an entire family bargain bucket chicken feast bonanza. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:35 | |
By myself. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
Wasn't the first time. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
And it won't be the last. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:40 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
But you see, now that I know this, I'm not going to be | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
so hard on myself, because you see, | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
-I -am a damaged child. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
I'm still trying to eat my way out of that yellow pack hell. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
It's all about self-control. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
SOUND OF ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
Well, I'm a work in progress. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
Diet starts tomorrow. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Ooof! | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
I wouldn't be very good at confrontation, | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
it's just something I can't do. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
Even if it's good confrontation. My nanna always just said, | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
"If somebody offers you a cup of tea you don't want, just take it." | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
It is the Irish way. It's because you're Irish. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
That's what you have to do. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
And I can't do it! | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
I'm to tell you, right, I'm the kind of fellow who, | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
if I'm in a taxi and the taxi driver's telling me a story, | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
I wouldn't want to interrupt him, even though I know I've passed my house. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
I've been in taxis to my house in Tulla and the driver's been | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
telling me about his divorce and then he goes, "Where were we going again?" | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
I'm like, "Kildare?" | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
"And back again?" | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
And in fact, one time I was on a flight and a woman saw me | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
and I'm quite camp, you know. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
When I came out, my parents were like, "Al, you need to come in." | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
And on the flight, the woman mistook me for being an air steward. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:07 | |
And I just didn't tell her I wasn't. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
She said, "A white wine please," and I went and got her one. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
The weird part was that she looked me up and down, really gave me a good look | 0:03:14 | 0:03:18 | |
and said, "Oh, look at you there! Is it a no-uniform day, is it?" | 0:03:18 | 0:03:24 | |
"A no-uniform day? Uh-huh?" | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
I just couldn't understand how she thought that was a thing, | 0:03:29 | 0:03:33 | |
because to me, a no-uniform cabin-crew day is called a hijacking. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:41 | |
A friend said to me, "Here's a joke for you!" | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
And people often do that to comics, "Here's a joke for you!" | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
And all I do on stage is talk shite about my life, so I figured | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
he meant do it as a practical joke, you know, practical joke? | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
So he said, "Go to the top of a taxi rank | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
"and knock on the first two windows | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
"and offer the first two drivers of the taxi... | 0:04:03 | 0:04:07 | |
"..a blow job to bring you home." | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
And then they'll say no, you knock on the third window | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
and say, "Will you bring me home?" | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
He'll say, "Of course", and as he drives off, the other two drivers | 0:04:16 | 0:04:22 | |
will be looking at him going, | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
"Oh, now, I didn't know that Brian was into that!" | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
So I thought, this is going to be a great idea for a practical joke. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:32 | |
I love it, right? So I did this one when I was up in Belfast, OK? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:36 | |
And I was on Botanic Avenue and I went into a taxi | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
and knocked on the first window and your man went, "What?" | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
And I said, | 0:04:42 | 0:04:46 | |
"If you bring me home, I'll give you a blow job." | 0:04:46 | 0:04:50 | |
And he went, "Ha-ha!" | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
"All right." | 0:04:52 | 0:04:53 | |
FEEBLE APPLAUSE | 0:04:58 | 0:04:59 | |
So everybody has their reasons why they get addicted to stuff. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
For me, I got addicted to rave music back in the '90s, | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
which in turn meant I then became addicted to drugs. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
Me and my mates used to go out every weekend, we'd take everything. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
We'd take Es, we'd take coke, we took speed. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:15 | |
And then of course we took Rennies, | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
because you take that much drugs, gives you a terrible heartburn. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
The music was good back then, but the more drugs you took, | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
the better the music got. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
Started taking loads of drugs. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
Got into DJing, DJ Bellies on the wheels of steel. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
Started taking way more drugs, and I started stealing, | 0:05:30 | 0:05:34 | |
stole from everybody. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:35 | |
I stole from my family! | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
-TEARFULLY: -I even ended up stealing from own mother. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
HE SOBS | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
So then I got out of prison. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
Sober and clean. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
And as much as I miss getting high - | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
high as an eagle's nipples, let me tell you - | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
I realised it wasn't the drugs that I missed, guys, it wasn't, no. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
It wasn't the drugs at all. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
It was just the music that I missed. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
It was just the music, guys! | 0:06:04 | 0:06:05 | |
I just missed the music! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
DJ Sammy, drop that beat for me, mate! Here we go. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
Glow sticks '96! | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
90S RAVE MUSIC PLAYS | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
That's it, in the zone, in the zone now, that's us! That's us! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
Ooh-ooh! Irt-Irt! | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
MUSIC CONTINUES | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
-Sorry... -GASPS | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
GASPS CLEARS THROAT | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
You probably do need a lot of drugs to listen to that sort of music, to be fair. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:40 | |
HE EXHALES | 0:06:40 | 0:06:41 | |
-You probably do need the drugs. -HE HURLS | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Yous are all finding it too harsh over this end. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
There's too much menopause over here. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
Um... | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
They told me not to swear, so what I'm doing now is being mean. It's mental. | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
Anyway... | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
When you're going to write an Irish folk song, | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
the first thing you want to do is get this chord. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
It sounds really sad and ominous, it's called A minor, it's like this. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
Right? | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
And then, obviously, because it's Irish folk, you want to really thump | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
the shit out of that chord, like this... | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
You know, like... | 0:07:20 | 0:07:21 | |
Get your mad eyes on! | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
You know, like you're going to fight your ma! Right? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
Imagine this, right. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
You're riding towards an army checkpoint, right? | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
And the only thing protecting you is a stolen Peugeot 306. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
Right, so then, lyrics-wise, right, | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
what do you want to do is, think of a year in the 1800s, right? | 0:07:51 | 0:07:56 | |
You want to think about something the Brits did. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
Say it again, I will, for yous! | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
You want to think about something the English did! | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
Then you want to pick an Irish folk hero who tried to help | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
the Irish by selling food, right? | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
And you want to shorten his name down, so makes it sounds like | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
you were mates with him, so, if it was Michael Collins, | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
you'd go, "Big Mickey Collins!" Right? | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
The last thing you have to remember is then to sing like | 0:08:29 | 0:08:33 | |
somebody strangling a goose, right? | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
Not just any goose, though. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
Like one that's being like, you know, corn-fed in Cork and then thrown into your microwave, live. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:44 | |
And then you put all those things together and this is what you get. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:48 | |
# It was 1840 in Ballygortinasnugget | 0:08:48 | 0:08:52 | |
# The English brought the blight | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
# And big Dan O'Connell was selling chicken nuggets | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
# But the weather was buckin' shite. # | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS | 0:09:18 | 0:09:23 | |
-ALL: Cheers! -Hear, hear. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
ALL: Hear, hear! | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
Anyway, guys. Poor bugger breaks her spine skiing, | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
nine months in a Swiss hospital. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
What am I going to do? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:09:38 | 0:09:39 | |
-Guys, let's have an absolute rager tonight. -Absolutely. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
-Cheers. -Cheers. -Um, Mike? | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
Thomas Anderson just walked in. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
But don't look now, OK? | 0:09:47 | 0:09:48 | |
Mike McGoldrick. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
Thomas Anderson, is it not £8 in to the club tonight? | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
-What did you do, sneak in, bro? -I have never paid into a club. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
That may be true, old sport, but this is a VIP area, | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
which stands for very... | 0:10:05 | 0:10:06 | |
..i-intelligent player. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
So how did someone stupid like you get in? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
Great chat. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
Look, I know you're jealous that I'm back from my gap year | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
and I'm ready to make a play to take over the social scene again. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
Mate, when you were on your gap year, I bought and sold the company. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
-I've got more dough than Pizza Hut at the minute, bro. -Great banter. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
Look, why don't we say you and the boys just get out of here? | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
The big dog is back, return of the Mack. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
Yeah, you're the "Big Mac", because you're a...burger! | 0:10:31 | 0:10:37 | |
How dare you. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
PS, I don't even get that banter. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
PPS, where's your girlfriend, Anderson? | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
That's right, I heard she left you to go and "find herself". | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
How absolutely dare you! | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Fair play to her, I mean, I hear she did find herself. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
Last spotted in my bedroom. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
I asked her if she could stick around for breakfast. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
Look, Mike, just calm down. You don't want to cause a scene here. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
You'll have to fight another day, Anderson. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
It's kind of wrong to make fun of my man whose father's recently | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
had to downgrade to the 2014 Porsche? | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
I beg your pardon? | 0:11:05 | 0:11:06 | |
Well, I happen to despise beggars, sir. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
Does anybody know quiff CPR? | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
This is the worst thing I've ever witnessed in my very sheltered life. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
Were losing volume here, people! | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
HE GASPS | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
All right! How's it going? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
Listen, listen, I have to say I'm sorry about your dog. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
Sorry to hear that, like. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
Uh-huh. Well, articulated lorries will do that to them, mate, | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
you know what they're like. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
Uh-huh. You what? | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
Well, he'll be accepting Christ into his heart, you know. | 0:11:56 | 0:12:00 | |
I'm sure he is in heaven, somewhere... | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
But anyway, I'm phoning to tell you, you take the week off, all right? | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
I'm going to cover for you. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:06 | |
I've got to do one of these tours now, as well. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
Oh, what do you need to know? I'll just make it up as I go along. Aye. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:14 | |
Here's one now. I'd better go. Cheerio, all right? | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
Hi, you must be Davy? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:18 | |
-How long you here for? -I'm here... | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
-What part of America are you from? -Well, I'm... -We'll get going, sir. uh-huh. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:24 | |
This is Belfast, you know? | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
Um...Bel... "Belfast" coming from the old Irish for "Bell Fester", | 0:12:26 | 0:12:30 | |
-which of course means "radioactive trout". -Oh? | 0:12:30 | 0:12:34 | |
Hence the massive fish there, of course. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
Now, you see that wee girl in the pink flowery tracksuit thing? | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
-Says "Too Juicy" on her backside, but the waves are falling off her arse? -Yes. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
No, no. You're looking at the guy who's trying to break into that ambulance. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
See beside him, right? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
You see where the guy is throwing chicken fillets at the police? | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Behind the group of small children? Smoking? | 0:12:51 | 0:12:55 | |
Yes! Aye! That's what they're doing, aye! See there, right? | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
That's the exact point where Bill Clinton promised a | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
-better future for Northern Ireland. -Wow! -Right y'are. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
-Bit of history there. Take a wee picture. -I think we should. -Uh-huh. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
You can blur out the kids. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
Um, you couldn't have a wee look in the footwell there | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
for my sunglasses? | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:16 | |
-There's Gerry Adams! -Where? | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
-Gerry Adams! -Where? Where?! -You missed him, mate! Ah! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:22 | |
And that wee girl, mate, despite all the odds, this always gets me. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:32 | |
-TEARFULLY: -That wee girl... | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
-grew up to be Liam Neeson. -Wow. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:40 | |
Liam Neeson. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
And that's where he lived, just that wee porch, over there. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:47 | |
Oh, it's amazing. It's a Belfast story, mate. That's what it is. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:52 | |
An amazing Belfast story. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:53 | |
Take a picture. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
You can blur out the kids. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 |