Episode 8 Late Licence

Yes, Michael, what can I do for you? Uh-huh?

No, no, he wasn't working last week, now.

I know the taxi was in operation.

It was Johnny. Aye, it was Johnny that was doing it.

Why?

Lost and found?

No, nothing suspicious.

I'll tell you what there is.

There's a half-eaten kebab, there is an umbilical cord...

..decommissioning of weapons photographs,

and the key to the city of Lisburn.

But, no, nothing else, mate, why? What are you looking for?

A what? A what?!

From a what? A hen do?

A plastic knob?

What in God's name is that?

No, I'm not... If I find that, mate, I'm not going to phone you.

I'm going to go and bury the thing over the border

and then have this car blessed.

-RADIO:

-For a chance to win that all expenses paid trip,

John from Bangor,

when did Queen Elizabeth II ascend the throne?

1952 is your answer.

Er...

1952!

Er...

One nine five two!

-A complete guess here, 1998?

-Ugh!

Christ. You couldn't pay me to be that stupid.

Brake's not working. Brake!

Brake. Argh!

The cause of the crash, Constable, was my braking mechanism was

impeded by an impediment that I was unaware of at the time.

All right?

Well, what was the impediment?

Does it matter? Does it really matter?

It matters for the report, sir.

It was a plastic dick, all right?

Yes. Don't go on about it.

Is that your own, sir?

I've been married for 40 years. What am I supposed to do with that?

Put it in my fish tank?

No, you don't need to take a picture of it.

It's standard policing procedure, sir,

if you could just hold it up a little higher.

Standard...

-Just a little closer to your face.

-All right.

All right?

Where's he going?

He's not even a cop!

So here at Broux Bro's Hipster Industries we kind of noticed that

every Tom, Dick and Harold basically has a beard these days,

so we've decided to olive-branch out

and kind of release our own range of beard products called Face Puppies.

You might literally notice

that we literally don't even have beards ourselves

and that's just cos we don't want to have something

that everybody else literally has

and it's not literally just cos I can't grow one.

So...

Not on his face, anyway. Big Viking sack on him.

Our first product on sale is this flick-knife beard comb, which is

made from authentic melted down bits of Game Boy

and is an absolute steal at only 14 million Vietnamese dongs.

#Bargain, bro.

Obviously, a beard wouldn't be a beard without beard oil,

that's why this Face Puppies beard oil is 100% organically sourced

shark liver oil, which is ethnically extracted from a live shark.

I did it myself at Explorers this morning. It's fresh.

I'm Dean Fitzpatrickstein and I fully endorse Face Puppies.

I've been using Face Puppies since 2000 yesterday

and my face has went from smooth

to like the rump of an Aberdeen Angus,

I'm absolutely delighted.

And, yes, before you ask, it does work on women's pubes.

-Give me a subject, any subject.

-I'll give you some rap back. Hit it.

Talk to me about relationships.

# You've got to have important relationships in your lives

# Whether it's husbands, brothers sisters or wives

# You've got to have a relationship with your mum and dad

# I don't have one, that's bad because my dad left us

# When I was a wee kid

# It's not good when a girl

# Dumps you, it makes you sad and all and you cry in your room and all

# And you get really down

# I love you, Tammy-Jo, check your inbox. #

I wasn't always going to do comedy, wasn't always going to tell jokes.

My dad is a flight sergeant,

he wanted me to be in the Air Corps, he wanted me to be a pilot.

Now, I do think I'd be very good at debriefing privates.

But, to this day, the only cockpit I've been in is the Kremlin.

My mam, not so much.

Eventually when I did kind of come out, my mother never needed to know.

In fact, she always said

how she knew that I was going to grow up to be gay

was that when I was younger,

her threats never actually scared me

because an Irish mother will threaten you with the mysterious "man".

An Irish mother will say, "If you don't stop misbehaving,

"the man will come and get you. The man will come and get you."

I was taking off clothes going, "Where is this man?"

I was 15, a white transit van pulled up and I got in.

"I need directions." "Don't worry, I'll tell you how."

But when we told my dad he said,

"So you're not going to be in the Air Corps?

And I said, "No," and me mam said, "Interior design.

"That's what you can do, interior design."

Which I just don't think works.

To me, Irish people are too indecisive for interior design.

Have you ever looked at a housing estate in Ireland

and thought the builders didn't know

whether they wanted to pebble dash that or brick it?

So they went, "Fuck it, do both."

Half and half. You walk into a house, there's laminate floors

but carpet on the stairs.

Nobody knows what they want.

I've been to places abroad where they paint a room one colour,

they go, "Oh, this is the room that's orange,

"it's orange because we like orange, we painted it orange."

Not in Ireland. In Ireland, we have three beige walls

and then we have the feature fecking wall.

"This is the wall where we were brave."

"This is my ma's favourite wall and the wall your father hates."

"Don't you love that wall?"

And it's awful, it's why when we had wallpaper,

we had to invent the dado rail.

Because we couldn't decide which wallpaper we wanted,

so we were like,

"Well, we'll have stripes on the bottom and stars on the top."

In fact, if you were in somebody's house who was really indecisive,

they will have a border.

The border which was just another wallpaper.

Running in between two wallpapers going, "How are you getting on?

"I'm a very jazzy pattern.

"I wouldn't look good on the whole wall

"but I look good here in the middle, don't I?"

A pound.

I lost a pound!

It might not sound like much but, basically,

that's like a block of butter.

I mean, I'm delighted.

Feel skinnier, you know? A bit sexier.

But don't get me started about butter.

Skinny Sharon at Flab Busters just went on and on

about the perils of butter in class.

Butter on toast. Butter icing. Frying with butter.

I've never wanted butter more in my buttery wee life.

I'm in a large lardy labyrinth and I can't get out,

all I can see is butter.

Oh, Jesus.

-Hey.

-Listen, I'm just going to come out and say it.

I just feel like we're moving in different directions at the minute.

Erm...

Look, I get this is difficult for you. It's difficult for me as well.

Maybe less so for me

cos I'm very strong and I'll be able to move on quicker, but still.

I-I don't know what to say.

What, because you're so emosh?

No, because I don't know what you're talking about, I...

I don't know why you called me here today.

We just kissed at a Full Moon Party in Thailand

and that was six years ago, I mean...

It's not as if we're in a relationship.

Listen, I get this is difficult,

I just feel like I've got to focus on me

at the minute, you know?

Yeah, that's totally fine. Great.

I absolutely hate to see you like this. Erm...

-Megan.

-Megan.

Yeah, so you don't even know what my name is.

I don't do names.

I do connections.

-Do you know what I mean?

-Not really.

Maybe I'm making a mistake here.

You're right, maybe we should give it another go.

What? No.

-I have a fiance.

-What? How could you?

I'd better go, this here has been...

-strange.

-Well, I've got to go as well.

I've got to go back to the corner where I first saw you.

I'm going to camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not going to move.

I am quite literally the man who can't be moved.

Yeah, and that's just lyrics from a Script song.

Is it? I don't know.

Maybe it is and I should also point out

I would genuinely never sleep on a street - ridiculous.

I guess what I'm trying to say, it's more of a metaphor,

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know,

if your fiance ever leaves you for like a 9/10 or a 10/10

and the bird I'm going out with at the time isn't as hot,

maybe we should reconnect.

Bye, Mike.

Goodbye, Ice Queen.

HE STRUMS COUNTRY CHORDS

I could probably play that for you at your wedding day if you wanted.

Not until Jesus makes it legal.

Terrible shame that.

Just because you're a country musician,

doesn't mean your influences have to be country musicians.

One of my biggest influences is Sir Daniel O'Donnell.

He's a very shrewd man. I'll tell you what he does.

He sells music to people who are too stupid

and old to know how to illegally download it for free.

-Them oldos are paying 14.99 for a cassette.

-Horrible.

That's 1991 prices, unbelievable.

-Who's your influences?

-Savage Jordan.

-Aye, they're good.

-Mad Boy, could you come here please?

-What is it?

I've been working on this new type of sound,

it's like a fusion country music

with a bit of sort of, like, what do you call it?

Like dubstep. See what you think. Lend me your ears. Ready?

GUITAR STRUMMING WITH DUBSTEP BEAT

Drink it in. Let it wash over you.

No, don't like it.

-I automatically don't like it.

-Give it a minute. Let it come in.

-No, I don't like it.

-Give it two...

-Turn it off.

I suppose the next step in our career would be going onto

the X Factor or Britain's Got Talent.

Then you'd probably have to play guitar on a tightrope

or swallow something.

You'd probably have to get the dog to play the guitar. You know?

And then the dog dies and then where does your career go after that?

Well, that's it, you can go on X Factor and do a sob story.

-Hello, Simon, this is Chuck McGinley.

-I'm the Mad Boy.

We're here to do an X Factor audition tape.

Just before we move on, though,

I'd just like to do a sob story, because then

that will make the performance more, you know, powerful, stuff like that.

The Mad Boy here, he's recently lost...

My aunt, yeah, she died. 1994, fell down the stairs.

A long time ago but, still, his heart's broke.

Just like her neck.

In addition to that sob story,

I also had to put a dog down recently.

Very traumatising, wasn't my dog but I lost sleep over that.

A-one and a-two and a-one, two, three, four.

-One more sob story. I once lost £20 in a car park at Tesco's.

-Horrible.

That's my last sob story.

And a-one and a-two and a-one, two, three, four.

Yes, it's a curry.

"Hi, Sammie, I'm on deliveries next week,

"finally I get to meet you. Love, Nas."

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, he's coming here to eyeball me.

Right, right, I'm sure I could shift half a stone by next week.

Ah!

Here, I wonder if I could get a sari in St George's Market.

Diet starts tomorrow.

-Topic.

-Northern Ireland.

# Northern Ireland some people say NI

# Boom, boom, eye for an eye

# Northern Ireland's a country in...Europe?

# This is the country that built the Titanic, the world's biggest ship

# Crisps... #

I'm struggling, like, I'm struggling with this one.

# We are the best cos we've got...

# George... George Best. #

He's dead.

Aye.