Browse content similar to Episode 8. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
Yes, Michael, what can I do for you? Uh-huh? | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
No, no, he wasn't working last week, now. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
I know the taxi was in operation. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
It was Johnny. Aye, it was Johnny that was doing it. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
Why? | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
Lost and found? | 0:00:29 | 0:00:30 | |
No, nothing suspicious. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
I'll tell you what there is. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:34 | |
There's a half-eaten kebab, there is an umbilical cord... | 0:00:34 | 0:00:38 | |
..decommissioning of weapons photographs, | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
and the key to the city of Lisburn. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
But, no, nothing else, mate, why? What are you looking for? | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
A what? A what?! | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
From a what? A hen do? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
A plastic knob? | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
What in God's name is that? | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
No, I'm not... If I find that, mate, I'm not going to phone you. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
I'm going to go and bury the thing over the border | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
and then have this car blessed. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
-RADIO: -For a chance to win that all expenses paid trip, | 0:01:09 | 0:01:13 | |
John from Bangor, | 0:01:13 | 0:01:14 | |
when did Queen Elizabeth II ascend the throne? | 0:01:14 | 0:01:18 | |
1952 is your answer. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
Er... | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
1952! | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
Er... | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
One nine five two! | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
-A complete guess here, 1998? -Ugh! | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
Christ. You couldn't pay me to be that stupid. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:37 | |
Brake's not working. Brake! | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
Brake. Argh! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
The cause of the crash, Constable, was my braking mechanism was | 0:01:47 | 0:01:51 | |
impeded by an impediment that I was unaware of at the time. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
All right? | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
Well, what was the impediment? | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Does it matter? Does it really matter? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
It matters for the report, sir. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
It was a plastic dick, all right? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
Yes. Don't go on about it. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Is that your own, sir? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
I've been married for 40 years. What am I supposed to do with that? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
Put it in my fish tank? | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
No, you don't need to take a picture of it. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
It's standard policing procedure, sir, | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
if you could just hold it up a little higher. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Standard... | 0:02:21 | 0:02:22 | |
-Just a little closer to your face. -All right. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
All right? | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
Where's he going? | 0:02:33 | 0:02:34 | |
He's not even a cop! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
So here at Broux Bro's Hipster Industries we kind of noticed that | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
every Tom, Dick and Harold basically has a beard these days, | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
so we've decided to olive-branch out | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
and kind of release our own range of beard products called Face Puppies. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:53 | |
You might literally notice | 0:02:55 | 0:02:56 | |
that we literally don't even have beards ourselves | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
and that's just cos we don't want to have something | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
that everybody else literally has | 0:03:01 | 0:03:02 | |
and it's not literally just cos I can't grow one. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
So... | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
Not on his face, anyway. Big Viking sack on him. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
Our first product on sale is this flick-knife beard comb, which is | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
made from authentic melted down bits of Game Boy | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
and is an absolute steal at only 14 million Vietnamese dongs. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:21 | |
#Bargain, bro. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
Obviously, a beard wouldn't be a beard without beard oil, | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
that's why this Face Puppies beard oil is 100% organically sourced | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
shark liver oil, which is ethnically extracted from a live shark. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:34 | |
I did it myself at Explorers this morning. It's fresh. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
I'm Dean Fitzpatrickstein and I fully endorse Face Puppies. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
I've been using Face Puppies since 2000 yesterday | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
and my face has went from smooth | 0:03:44 | 0:03:45 | |
to like the rump of an Aberdeen Angus, | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
I'm absolutely delighted. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
And, yes, before you ask, it does work on women's pubes. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
-Give me a subject, any subject. -I'll give you some rap back. Hit it. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
Talk to me about relationships. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
# You've got to have important relationships in your lives | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
# Whether it's husbands, brothers sisters or wives | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
# You've got to have a relationship with your mum and dad | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
# I don't have one, that's bad because my dad left us | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
# When I was a wee kid | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
# It's not good when a girl | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
# Dumps you, it makes you sad and all and you cry in your room and all | 0:04:22 | 0:04:26 | |
# And you get really down | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
# I love you, Tammy-Jo, check your inbox. # | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
I wasn't always going to do comedy, wasn't always going to tell jokes. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:39 | |
My dad is a flight sergeant, | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
he wanted me to be in the Air Corps, he wanted me to be a pilot. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:45 | |
Now, I do think I'd be very good at debriefing privates. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
But, to this day, the only cockpit I've been in is the Kremlin. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
My mam, not so much. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
Eventually when I did kind of come out, my mother never needed to know. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
In fact, she always said | 0:05:01 | 0:05:02 | |
how she knew that I was going to grow up to be gay | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
was that when I was younger, | 0:05:05 | 0:05:06 | |
her threats never actually scared me | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
because an Irish mother will threaten you with the mysterious "man". | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
An Irish mother will say, "If you don't stop misbehaving, | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
"the man will come and get you. The man will come and get you." | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
I was taking off clothes going, "Where is this man?" | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
I was 15, a white transit van pulled up and I got in. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
"I need directions." "Don't worry, I'll tell you how." | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
But when we told my dad he said, | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
"So you're not going to be in the Air Corps? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
And I said, "No," and me mam said, "Interior design. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
"That's what you can do, interior design." | 0:05:38 | 0:05:42 | |
Which I just don't think works. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
To me, Irish people are too indecisive for interior design. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
Have you ever looked at a housing estate in Ireland | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
and thought the builders didn't know | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
whether they wanted to pebble dash that or brick it? | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
So they went, "Fuck it, do both." | 0:05:54 | 0:05:55 | |
Half and half. You walk into a house, there's laminate floors | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
but carpet on the stairs. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
Nobody knows what they want. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:03 | |
I've been to places abroad where they paint a room one colour, | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
they go, "Oh, this is the room that's orange, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
"it's orange because we like orange, we painted it orange." | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
Not in Ireland. In Ireland, we have three beige walls | 0:06:11 | 0:06:15 | |
and then we have the feature fecking wall. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
"This is the wall where we were brave." | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
"This is my ma's favourite wall and the wall your father hates." | 0:06:22 | 0:06:27 | |
"Don't you love that wall?" | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
And it's awful, it's why when we had wallpaper, | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
we had to invent the dado rail. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:33 | |
Because we couldn't decide which wallpaper we wanted, | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
so we were like, | 0:06:37 | 0:06:38 | |
"Well, we'll have stripes on the bottom and stars on the top." | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
In fact, if you were in somebody's house who was really indecisive, | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
they will have a border. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
The border which was just another wallpaper. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
Running in between two wallpapers going, "How are you getting on? | 0:06:51 | 0:06:56 | |
"I'm a very jazzy pattern. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
"I wouldn't look good on the whole wall | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
"but I look good here in the middle, don't I?" | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
A pound. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:16 | |
I lost a pound! | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
It might not sound like much but, basically, | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
that's like a block of butter. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
I mean, I'm delighted. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
Feel skinnier, you know? A bit sexier. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:30 | |
But don't get me started about butter. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
Skinny Sharon at Flab Busters just went on and on | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
about the perils of butter in class. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Butter on toast. Butter icing. Frying with butter. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:49 | |
I've never wanted butter more in my buttery wee life. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
I'm in a large lardy labyrinth and I can't get out, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
all I can see is butter. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
Oh, Jesus. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
-Hey. -Listen, I'm just going to come out and say it. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
I just feel like we're moving in different directions at the minute. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
Erm... | 0:08:37 | 0:08:38 | |
Look, I get this is difficult for you. It's difficult for me as well. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
Maybe less so for me | 0:08:42 | 0:08:43 | |
cos I'm very strong and I'll be able to move on quicker, but still. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
I-I don't know what to say. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
What, because you're so emosh? | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
No, because I don't know what you're talking about, I... | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
I don't know why you called me here today. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
We just kissed at a Full Moon Party in Thailand | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
and that was six years ago, I mean... | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
It's not as if we're in a relationship. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Listen, I get this is difficult, | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
I just feel like I've got to focus on me | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
at the minute, you know? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
Yeah, that's totally fine. Great. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
I absolutely hate to see you like this. Erm... | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
-Megan. -Megan. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:17 | |
Yeah, so you don't even know what my name is. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
I don't do names. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
I do connections. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:23 | |
-Do you know what I mean? -Not really. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
Maybe I'm making a mistake here. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:30 | |
You're right, maybe we should give it another go. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
What? No. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
-I have a fiance. -What? How could you? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
I'd better go, this here has been... | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
-strange. -Well, I've got to go as well. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
I've got to go back to the corner where I first saw you. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
I'm going to camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not going to move. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
I am quite literally the man who can't be moved. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
Yeah, and that's just lyrics from a Script song. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
Is it? I don't know. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:58 | |
Maybe it is and I should also point out | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
I would genuinely never sleep on a street - ridiculous. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
I guess what I'm trying to say, it's more of a metaphor, | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know, | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
if your fiance ever leaves you for like a 9/10 or a 10/10 | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
and the bird I'm going out with at the time isn't as hot, | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
maybe we should reconnect. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
Bye, Mike. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
Goodbye, Ice Queen. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
HE STRUMS COUNTRY CHORDS | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
I could probably play that for you at your wedding day if you wanted. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:46 | |
Not until Jesus makes it legal. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Terrible shame that. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:50 | |
Just because you're a country musician, | 0:10:52 | 0:10:53 | |
doesn't mean your influences have to be country musicians. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
One of my biggest influences is Sir Daniel O'Donnell. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:59 | |
He's a very shrewd man. I'll tell you what he does. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
He sells music to people who are too stupid | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
and old to know how to illegally download it for free. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
-Them oldos are paying 14.99 for a cassette. -Horrible. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
That's 1991 prices, unbelievable. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
-Who's your influences? -Savage Jordan. -Aye, they're good. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
-Mad Boy, could you come here please? -What is it? | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
I've been working on this new type of sound, | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
it's like a fusion country music | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
with a bit of sort of, like, what do you call it? | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
Like dubstep. See what you think. Lend me your ears. Ready? | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
GUITAR STRUMMING WITH DUBSTEP BEAT | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Drink it in. Let it wash over you. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
No, don't like it. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:34 | |
-I automatically don't like it. -Give it a minute. Let it come in. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:39 | |
-No, I don't like it. -Give it two... -Turn it off. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
I suppose the next step in our career would be going onto | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
the X Factor or Britain's Got Talent. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Then you'd probably have to play guitar on a tightrope | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
or swallow something. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:52 | |
You'd probably have to get the dog to play the guitar. You know? | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
And then the dog dies and then where does your career go after that? | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
Well, that's it, you can go on X Factor and do a sob story. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
-Hello, Simon, this is Chuck McGinley. -I'm the Mad Boy. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:05 | |
We're here to do an X Factor audition tape. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
Just before we move on, though, | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
I'd just like to do a sob story, because then | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
that will make the performance more, you know, powerful, stuff like that. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
The Mad Boy here, he's recently lost... | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
My aunt, yeah, she died. 1994, fell down the stairs. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
A long time ago but, still, his heart's broke. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
Just like her neck. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
In addition to that sob story, | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
I also had to put a dog down recently. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
Very traumatising, wasn't my dog but I lost sleep over that. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:34 | |
A-one and a-two and a-one, two, three, four. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
-One more sob story. I once lost £20 in a car park at Tesco's. -Horrible. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
That's my last sob story. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:42 | |
And a-one and a-two and a-one, two, three, four. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Yes, it's a curry. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:49 | |
"Hi, Sammie, I'm on deliveries next week, | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
"finally I get to meet you. Love, Nas." | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:00 | |
Oh, my God, he's coming here to eyeball me. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
Right, right, I'm sure I could shift half a stone by next week. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:09 | |
Ah! | 0:13:09 | 0:13:10 | |
Here, I wonder if I could get a sari in St George's Market. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
Diet starts tomorrow. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:16 | |
-Topic. -Northern Ireland. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
# Northern Ireland some people say NI | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
# Boom, boom, eye for an eye | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
# Northern Ireland's a country in...Europe? | 0:13:30 | 0:13:35 | |
# This is the country that built the Titanic, the world's biggest ship | 0:13:35 | 0:13:40 | |
# Crisps... # | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
I'm struggling, like, I'm struggling with this one. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
# We are the best cos we've got... | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
# George... George Best. # | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
He's dead. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:53 | |
Aye. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 |