Episode 7 Late Licence

It's really cool to be making television in Northern Ireland.

Obviously, a lot of productions coming here, like, Game Of Thrones

has got to be my favourite.

Reason number one I love Game Of Thrones -

the actors obviously live here for a while, while they're filming,

so you can have some guy, and the night before,

he's, like, killed a bad guy in a bloody battle,

and then you could theoretically see him the next morning

in your local Centra just buying three sausage rolls for a quid.

"All right, mate?"

But the main reason I like Game Of Thrones is that

it's really seeping into our culture,

and the best example of that is fights on nights out, drunken fights,

have got a bit more epic and a bit more medieval, you know.

They're on a higher scale.

Before, you would have just had two groups of lads just

jumping into each other, no sort of thought,

no structure behind it, whereas now, you know, two groups of guys'll be

running towards each other and, like, the leader of one of the guys'll

stop his men just before, and he'll be like, "Gentlemen, take a knee."

And they'll get down before him or whatever...

LAUGHTER

He'll survey the land a bit, and he'll just... Just gee them up a bit.

He'll be like, "Gentlemen, obviously these boys have committed the cardinal sin here,

"spilling an alcopop on Dean's shirt."

LAUGHTER

"Just remember...

"Just remember, gentlemen, a moment in defeat is merely..."

And then the other guy'll just come in and smack him, mid-sentence.

Yep, this guy hasn't seen Game Of Thrones.

And people are just appalled by his etiquette, you know,

not waiting for the speeches to be over and this guy is going to

be all, like, apologising, he's like, "I've never seen it.

"We've got it on the planner, but we did..."

LAUGHTER

"We did Mad Men first. I should have... I'm so sorry."

This guy's just dead by this stage.

Another cult character killed off too soon by

Brother Anto of House Council.

Mike, thanks so much for agreeing to the interview. I'm Donna.

Au revoir.

OK...

It's really no problem at all, Debbie.

-It's Donna.

-Great stuff.

So, what, are you going to ask me a few questions?

What is it, a wee blog you do, or...?

It's the most read magazine in Northern Ireland.

Chat to me, then.

Well, the interview's for our NI's Most Eligible Bachelor 2015 feature.

Well, what do you say in return for some outrageous chat,

you accompany me out tonight for a few overpriced drinks out on the town?

No.

OK, well, I'm keen to do the interview anyway, though, so go ahead.

What's the best way to describe Mike McGoldrick?

Rugby player.

Pillar of the social scene.

Charity giver-er.

Well moisturised.

And what's an average day in your life at the minute?

Well, it wouldn't be an average day for Joe Bloggs in the street out there.

HE LAUGHS

Or even yourself.

No, I start the day at around 8am.

I go for a 10k run.

When that's done at around 8:15am...

By the way, write that it took me five minutes to run 10k.

I hit the office.

I make some deals, open some doors.

When that's done, if it's a particularly long day in the office,

I'm out of there for around 8:45am.

Then it's off to have a light lunch.

I'll hit the gym, and general preparation for an absolute rager out on the town.

And when I say town, I obviously mean Belfast, which is obviously a city.

I'm going out with guys like Rory McIlroy, Jamie Dornan, you know yourself.

Well, you wouldn't know them personally like I do, but anyway.

If they're not available, I do have a set of non-famous backup friends.

You might want to put, by the way, a lot of people do call me, Rory and Jamie the Three Amigos.

Literally everyone calls us that, so put that down.

There's been some confusion as to what your actual profession is, Mike.

I'm a consultant.

Of?

This and that.

That's very vague.

Moving on...

Are you currently single or is there someone special in your life at the minute?

I am currently single, Dervla, you know,

people know I like to collect Miss Northern Ireland finalists

like football sticker albums.

And let's just say, there's not many I haven't filled.

-I won't print that, don't worry.

-No, you will print that.

Listen, to be totally honest, I lost interest in this interaction

around 20 minutes ago when you inferred that you had a fiance.

Congratulations, by the way.

But do me the favour, before I go,

make sure people get a sense of the real me in this article.

-Oh, I definitely will.

-Great stuff.

Listen, I am off to petition North Down Borough Council to

have them widen the roads of Holywood high street,

just to allow for better driving conditions for Range Rover drivers like myself.

All the best anyway.

Look, I will certainly send you a clay cast of my bicep or something.

Enjoy yourself. McGoldrick out.

Wow.

This song...

is dark.

This is about what I like to do

on the internet when youse are all asleep.

LAUGHTER

Bon appetit.

LAUGHTER

HE PLAYS GUITAR

# You told me I could follow you

# But I didn't know you meant on Twitter

# And now I'm hiding in your wardrobe, yeah

# You told me I should share your post

# But I didn't know you meant on Facebook

# Now I'm masquerading as your mailman, yeah

# My laptop looks like

# A melted cheesy toasty

# I'm just an online creep

# I rub one out when you're asleep

# To your summer pictures from '09, yeah

# Send the friend requests until she's mine. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wee bit of dirt!

A wee bit of dirt does youse good, guys, all right?

My name's Ciaran Bartlett. Love me. See you later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Two pounds off.

Yay!

I felt I needed a wee kick-start this week, so...

that's what I got.

And, no, it wasn't that cabbage soup diet everyone keeps harping on about.

All Grotbags keeps saying, "Oh, your body will love you for it."

Aye, and so will your arse.

No.

I had a better idea.

My sister's kids were off school with vomiting and diarrhoea, so

I decided to pay them a visit, and hey presto,

two days later, I'm boking my ring.

Couldn't even keep water down.

Both ends. Genius.

SHE LAUGHS

And this time off work, you know? It's really given me time to read up

about portion sizes, cos it turns out I've been doing it all wrong.

You see mashed potato?

My mum always gives me two scoops that resemble Cave Hill

and Black Mountain, and "nope" and "nope."

Turns out a portion of mashed potato is one tablespoon.

I mean, that's it. One tablespoon. Sure, that wouldn't even feed a cat.

And cheese? A portion of cheese is the size of a matchbox.

I haven't seen a matchbox since 1985. Who buys matchboxes nowadays?

And spaghetti. It says to measure your spaghetti on a 20 pence piece.

Well, I didn't have that. I only had a ten and two fives, so I just used those.

Sure, it adds up to 20 pence.

It's all so complicated.

A baked potato has to be the size of a computer mouse.

Do you know how long I spent in Asda looking for a potato that size?

It was so long, I didn't have time to cook the flaming thing,

so I had to end up just having a Pot Noodle sandwich for my tea.

Oh...oh...

SHE RETCHES

SHE COUGHS

SHE SNIFFS

Oh...

Diet starts tomorrow.

SHE RETCHES

Here at Bro Bros, we've sort of realised that

if you want to succeed in business, you have to keep up with trends,

keep your finger in the pulse, you know?

One that we realised is really popular at the minute is people absolutely love juicing food,

so we've worked out a way where people can get the nutrients out of their fruit and veg.

Yeah, but it only seems to apply to healthy foods,

so we decided to open up Junk Juice,

the late-night fast food joint which allows you to get

a juice version of your favourite junk food.

Aw, dude, man, bro.

We've juiced it all from cheesy chips to doner kebabs.

Actually had one dude in last week who wanted 24 packets of Monster Munch juiced.

But he died shortly after that.

I love Junk Juice

because it means I can get all my junk food on the way home

in juice form, and I don't have to deal with the fat or the guilt.

For example, this here is two mixed kebabs and a bhaji.

I just said to him, "Listen, mate, I'm not going to Peru one more time.

"Last time I went to Peru, I got diarrhoea for about six weeks,

"wearing nappies and everything."

I said, "If you want drugs taken to Peru, get some wee girls to do it,

"but Bellies won't be doing it," you know what I mean?

Portrush is about as far as I go these days.

HE LAUGHS You know what I'm saying? Thank you very much for your question.

Who else has got a question? Yourself, mate?

Hi, Bellies. Have you ever lost any friends through drugs or addiction?

Oh, yes, mate. I've had plenty of mates die

due to drugs and addiction.

Loads of mates, one of my best mates ever, my mate Pizza.

We all went out one night.

Me and the lads decided to take a load of speed,

take a load of shots of Sammy-buca.

Pizza was one of the good ones too. He didn't even drink.

He just took good Class A drugs.

And that night, he couldn't handle the drink.

Had to send him home. I tucked him in myself.

And that very night, my mate Pizza...

..he drowned in his own vomit.

HE CRIES

I just feel terrible.

Cos I was the one that put the bucket beside the bed.

But how was I to know he was going to be sick in it and then roll into it and drown?

Oh, my God, Pizza!

Oh, my Pizza!

Rest in peace, mate.

Why did you call him Pizza?

Cos his name was Daniel Pizza.

Are you stupid or something?

We're filming this on the cobbled streets of the Cathedral Quarter.

You may notice that this is where they filmed The Fall. You might notice that.

I'm a huge fan of The Fall. It obviously stars Jamie Dornan.

The second best looking man from Holywood, am I right, guys?

LAUGHTER

No? All right.

Yeah, I'm a massive fan.

It's obviously like a dark, suspenseful thriller,

but being from Northern Ireland, where it's filmed,

we can also play the Do I Recognise That Location game

while we're watching it.

So you'll have, like, some guy watch it in England,

and obviously they don't recognise it, so they're just watching it for the darkness.

Some guy'll be watching it, maybe his girlfriend's in the next room,

he'll be describing the action to her when Dornan's following

this woman down an alleyway, so the guy'll be like...

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Oh, my God. You got to see this, oh, my God."

He has spent a little bit of time in Australia, this guy.

LAUGHTER

So, he's like, "Oh, my..."

HE LAUGHS

He's like, "Oh, my God, you've got to get in here. He's following this woman."

That's fully Australian.

"Oh, my God. he's right behind her. Oh, my God."

Whereas you'll get a guy from Belfast, and cos he's got the background knowledge,

it's a bit different.

Same set-up.

He'll be like, "Oh, my God, you've got to get in here and see this. He's right behind this woman.

"Oh, my God, he's right behind her. Oh... That's the swimming pool we go to!"

LAUGHTER

He has killed her. He has killed her.

"That's where I got the verruca in, er...in '98.

"Aye!"

Being serious, though, there is, like, how Jamie Dornan does that as an actor,

I have no idea. Some of the real dark scenes in that.

Where does he go to in his mind to just do that

and then switch off and be normal when he gets home?

There was one scene in particular in the last series where

he was on a Translink public train, and...

LAUGHTER

You know, being from Holywood that must have been very, very difficult for him.

Fair play to him, anyway.