Episode 6 Late Licence

It's great that it's been such a good year for Ireland,

particularly in the Republic,

that we were able to pass the marriage equality referendum.

CHEERING

One of the first countries...the only country, I think, in the world

who had to do it by popular vote.

And where I'm from, which is quite a rough area from a council estate,

you know, I mean, my dad's always saying,

"I thought growing up with the lads around here would've hardened you!"

It's the kind of place where Father's Day is a very mysterious day.

Kids go door-to-door. It's like Halloween.

The newsagents sell cards for Father's Day

that say, "To whom it concerns..."

It was a really great, joyous surprise to find that

a lot of the areas or the estates in my area voted yes

in the highest numbers around the country.

Fettercairn, huge yes, Jobstown, huge yes.

It was basically just women in my area going,

"Gays deserve to be single parents as well!"

A load of lads I went to school with going,

"I didn't have one dad growin' up, so two would've been bleedin' deadly!"

And what I thought about was, it was a very confusing time as a vote

because we had to pursue in the media this balance thing,

and I do a bit of radio and things, and everyone had to be balanced,

so that the vote wasn't swayed.

Balance, oh, yeah. Yes side, no side. For a while there in Ireland,

if you were, you know, having the throes of passion in your bedroom

with your wife, as you should do, and she was screaming, "Yes, yes, yes",

legally Breda O'Brien could pop in and say, "No."

Here at Broux Bros, we've realised that the hipster businesses

that do well are the businesses that do things a little bit differently.

We basically realised that Mexican food is so hot right now

both literally and literally,

so with that in mind, we've opened a new outlet named Brorritos.

Mexican food is popular but what is also popular is...

Sweeties!

We've added sweets to our burritos. Brorritos.

Some of the meals that we offer would include the Skittle burrito.

-Bombay mix.

-Bombay mix burrito.

We have a flump taco.

-We have...

-Just your standard nut.

-Standard nut burrito.

We've actually had some customers complain about

the price of the brorritos, but some of the sweets

have been imported from places as far away as, like, Dublin.

Ireland.

And just for that extra exclusiveness,

we only take orders via fax machine.

-That's true.

-How many have you sold?

-Currently, we've sold...

-BEEPING

-Go back there.

-Somewhere in the region...

We've sold one.

But that was basically just to make sure that the till worked,

which it does, which is great news for business.

Thank you.

Ha!

HE COUGHS

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Sometimes they actually say

music is what emotions sound like.

What emotion are you feeling?

If I had to say, I would say hunger.

Howdy. Come on in. We're just having a bit of a studio day today.

-What are you doing?

-Soundproofing the walls.

He's soundproofing the walls there.

-Go you and test.

-All right.

-Wait till you hear. Nothing.

Hello!

-Nothing?

-Nothing. Not a thing.

-Didn't hear anything?

-Not a thing.

The thing is with country music, it's not that difficult to write

cos there's only a very limited amount of themes

that they actually sing about.

Look over at the Manboy. He's got them out on that board.

Trucks, jeans, girls, moonshine

-and wagon wheels.

-And that's it.

-That's it.

-That's it essentially.

-Sing something now, sure. Show how easy it is.

-Let me see...

# I'm jumpin' in my truck cos I'm wearin' my jeans

# I like girls, drinkin' moonshine, wagon wheels. #

-Perfect. That's a number one.

-That's it. 60 million records sold.

Take that, Taylor Swift.

What do you call that wee girl?

-Nathan Carter.

-Oh, woeful.

Tell you what, if you gave an infinite amount of monkeys

an infinite amount of guitars,

they'd write a Nathan Carter song after about 15 minutes.

-And it would still be a cover.

-It probably would.

He couldn't write a song, that boy.

He couldn't write his own name half the time.

And in addition to all of them there, all you maybe need to do

is add in a place in America that you've been before.

You could say something like...

# Took a road trip round Massachusetts... #

-Perfect.

-That's true. You could just lie.

# I kissed a girl in Alabama That's not a euphemism. #

Never been to Alabama before.

I haven't. It's all a lie. You know?

# I had a pile of beer in Texas. #

Never been anywhere near Texas.

-The state or Texas Homecare?

-Both.

I was in it before it closed, so joke's on you.

So at the end of every recording day

usually the Manboy takes himself off there

to write some lyrics or whatever. Are you finished?

# I'm sick to death of my girlfriend's crap

# But my bag in the trunk with my friends in the back

# I try to close my ears when they call us bent

# I'm gonna spend the night with the boys in the tent

# Boys in the tent, boys in the tent

# I'm gonna drink moonshine with boys that I rent

# Boys in the tent, boys in the tent

# Gonna drink moonshine with boys that I rent. #

Brilliant.

Sort of.

You looked so surprised when I invited you in.

I mean, a lot of people slam the door in your face and all

with you guys being Jehovah's Witnesses,

but my mother taught me that I should always be pleasant, courteous

and kind to everyone, irrespective of their religion or beliefs.

Also, before we start, can I just check,

it's OK if I'm gay, isn't it?

As long as I never actually have sex or watch the Graham Norton Show?

This song, I hope yous enjoy it.

It's called 50 Shades Of David Gray.

LAUGHTER

# It's kind of rapey but it's good to read

# So little darling, get it on

# Got a bucket full of pleasure beads

# Got a dungeon full of Babylons

# Cos there ain't no love guiding me

# Just a ball-gag and I can't speak

MUFFLED: # Uh-uh-uh o-o-o-oh

# This year's safety word, it better last

# Cos last year when you forgot

# You spanked the hinges right out of my neck

# And now this head wobble just won't stop

# Cos I want all my cake and eat it too

# Won't you lie down, let me creep on you

MUFFLED: # Uh-uh o-o-oh

# Yeah!

# Because I want all my cake and eat it too

# Won't you lie down, let me creep on you

MUFFLED: # Uh-uh-uh o-o-o-oh

# Cos there ain't no love guiding me

# Just a ball-gag and I can't speak

MUFFLED: # Uh-uh-uh o-o-o-oh

# Hhh-wow-o-o-oh! #

Here, have you heard about this uniform thing?

Aye. I marched straight in, straight into head office

and said, "Here, I've been working in the taxis for 35 years, all right?

"And I haven't been wearing a uniform

"and God as my witness, I'm not going to start now."

-RADIO:

-'Our next wee request for Big Derek the taxi driver...'

-Oh, come on!

-'He wants this wee number.'

-Big Derek!

-'Very funny, Derek.'

That's the fourth time!

Hello! Yes, I'd like to make a complaint, please.

Right. I phoned in this morning, half past seven, requesting a wee tune.

Now, Big Derek from City Cabs has had his request played

four or five times. And by the way...

a taxi driver requesting 2-4-6-8 Motorway,

it might be funny the first time but, you know, five or six times

it gets a wee bit out of date, you know? My name is Davy Brown.

I'm a taxi driver and I would like Baby You Can Drive My Car.

OK? Thank you.

'Davy, thanks again, mate, for giving my da a lift.'

Ach, shush, mate. It's no bother.

-'One thing I will say, Davy, is...'

-No bother at all.

'..one of the side-effects of the tablet he's on for his eyes...'

-That's ridiculous.

-'..is incontinence, actually.'

-What?

-'He's done that a few times on me in the car.'

-What did you say, mate? What?

It doesn't matter. There he is.

There he is, the man himself. The man himself.

I'll have him with you shortly.

Just going to start the car.

OK, that's the engine, it's not an air raid siren,

you don't have to panic or anything, all right?

-Here, mate, how's your eyes? How's your eyesight?

-Not good at all.

Not good? So you can't really see?

Can't really see? Good lad. Get this off.

There we go.

HE SNIFFS

Jesus Chr...

Can I ask you a wee question?

Did you shite yourself?

-'Davy Brown, taxi driver...'

-About time!

-'You want this wee number.

'Happy to play it for you, sir.'

MUSIC: 2-4-6-8 Motorway by Tom Robinson Band

Ach, come on!

That's...

Ach, for fu...

So, I went through a period of depression.

I know it's hard to believe.

LAUGHTER

I was very, very sad for a long time and to bring myself out of it,

I decided I'm going to have to start writing some happy songs

and I decided I would take inspiration from the people

who pulled me out of that dark, dark place,

and those were the very close female friends I had.

I'd go to them and say, you know,

"It's just dark and what am I going to do?"

And they'd be like, "I know, let me tell you how great my life is

"and that'll cheer you up." So I'd be like, "Great! Thank you very much."

So that song, yeah, that's what inspired this song,

so it is a happy song cos I thought it's always good to end on a high,

so this is my happy song.

# I'm delighted that things worked out for you

# You've really had some luck

# But just lately I'm really struggling

# To keep smiling like I give a fuck

# I'm thrilled that you had babies

# And did it all without help from a nanny

# But I'm warning you now I'm going to need stronger drugs

# To hear again what it's done to your fanny

# Oh, well done, you, you did it

# And no-one can take that from you

# Oh, I'm delighted, I'm delighted for you

# Oh, you lost 23 pounds with no diet

# You don't have to straighten your hair

# Your Victoria sponge has won some awards

# I've tried it, it's lighter than air!

# Oh, everyone thinks that you're funny

# You can light up the room with those boobs

# SNARLS: Oh, I'm delighted, I'm delighted for you

# Oh, so I've heard you've been nominated for Woman Of The Year!

# Oh, I'm thrilled for you, you'll probably win

# SOBS: No, these are happy tears

# I'm back living at home with my parents

# Drinking gin, passing out on the loo

# But I'm delighted, I'm delighted

# For you. #