Episode 1 Lee Mack's All Star Cast

Episode 1

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Welcome to the Lee Mack's all star Welcome to the Lee Mack's all star


cast, the show that has big celebrity guests but also gives


normal people like me, John Hamner, the chance to be our star -


LAUGHTER. I think that's about as naturalistic as we're going to get!


Roll titles. Roll titles.




GENTLEMEN, LET'S HERE IT for my house choir, the gospel honest


truth! Bit awkward. Quick tip, always check what the others are


wearing before you come out. to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, the


show that not only has fantastic celebrity guests but gives you, the


audience, the chance to star. All right, calm down, you sycophants.


She's known for being very frank, it's Fern Britton! And so is he,


it's Frank Skinner! We've got standup from the brilliant Stuart


Francis. And music from our favourite tank commander, James


Blant - James Blunt. But sadly there were some people we weren't able to


cast this week. We weren't able to cast Bruce Forsyth, he has been too


busy celebrating the news of his knighthood, which means he's lower


than a King but higher than a Jack. The only bad news for Bruce is


he'll no longer be able to use his famous catchphrase, where's my


bloody knighthood, my bloody knighthood, where? Just as we


rehearsed. Someone else we couldn't cast is a certain Premiership


footballer who shall remain nameless. Believe it or not, despite


the fact everyone knows who he is, we still technically can't mention


his name in connection with certain stories. It's ridiculous. Trust me,


as a standup comedian, this story is ruining my gigs. Not just my gigs,


everyone's gigs. And people have paid good money to go to these gigs.


Sod it, I don't care what the rules are. It was Gary Neville. It wasn't


really, it was Ryan Giggs. We also haven't been able to cast a Filipino


gentleman by the name of June Raybalawing, who became the world's


smallest man, 22 inches tall, holding a twiglet. If you don't


believe me, type put it this way pee know into going.


- philipino - better not. Also NASA, they are arresting a woman who has


been trying to sell moon rock, her identity has not been revealed,


although I think it might be Mrs N Armstrong of Houston, Texas. I knew


not everyone would get that joke. It's about the Houston gag, we have


a problem. It's true though, moon rock is very rare, actually


rare and valuable than most precious metals, and we are genuinely lucky


enough tonight to have one here. This is genuinely a piece of moon


rock that has been lent to us by the science museum, it has an estimated


value of over half a million pounds. You're laughing, this is genuine.


you don't believe me, look inside, it says moon rock. You see? And they


laughed when I asked the chuckle brothers to ask for me this week.


Here you go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet our star guests!


My first guest tonight started her TV career on the local news, as did


I, but for very different reasons. I've improved. My second guest is


genuinely one of may favourite immediateians of all - comedians of


all time, and he's had two number ones, but at his age, it's hard


hold it in. Please welcome, Britton and Frank Skinner!


#Baby, you're a firework. Come on, let your colours


you. A nice little ageist gag to begin with. It's a fabulous


entrance. That's what I imagine the afterlife will be like. Except


obviously I will probably be walking upstairs. But I'll be happy to go


with you, Fern. I could be going either way, I'm not sure. That's


worth knowing! Don't clap that. You're obviously both got something


in common, you're more used to sitting in my seat and being the


host. First question, any tips, Fern? You have interviewed them all.


Not them all, that would have taken forever. What was the best interview


you did? Oh gosh. I suppose the one that got the most publicity was


Blair. But the most enjoyable ones, I think, were people like lies is a


Minelli, Lauren Bacall, fantastic. Am I the only person in the room who


doesn't know who Rosalind Russell is. I don't either. Does anybody


know? Man alive. Is it someone you interviewed on a bus? She was


woman who appeared with Marilyn Monroe in gentlemen prefer blonds.


That's Jane Russell. Oh back bleep � it was. As a chat show host, know


the names of the people you are interviewing. You also interviewed


the Prime Minister, Rupert Bear. Have you had any good or bad


experiences? One thing I would say is don't talk to the guests


the chat show. I interviewed Ringo Star once and before we went on,


said to me, by the way, I'd rather not talk about the Beatles, so we


did 20 minutes on Thomas the tank engine. As you know, part of


job tonight is to help me members of our audience to be


of the show, first up tonight, need to cast someone who will make a


special appearance later. I'm looking for someone with Oscar


winning acting skills, and whoever you two pick will appear in a major


BBC costume drama, otherwise known as the cobbled together sketch


the end of this show, and tonight the emotion we need is that of


shocked. Think of your motivation, because I'll be asking you about


that later. It can be the most shocking thing you've ever seen or


done. In my case, going to a strip club and meeting a woman who


in the same road as me, it was my mum. I still put a tenner in her


knickers. So on the count of three, your best shocked face. Three, two,


Let's have a look at some of our hopefuls. That's like a shocking


to eat a melon. You know I used to have a big doll that looked just


like that. What's your name? Sam. What was your motivation?


years ago, I went for a walk in the local park to feed the deer, and I


was with my landlady and her family, I was busy walking along, having a


chat, I thought she was right behind me, I couldn't hear her talking to


me, so I turned round and there she is squatting there by a bush


a wee, and I saw everything. So she was your landlady and your squatter,


I suppose. Let's have a look at another one. Blimey. You look


you have seen a ghost. A really underwhelming ghost. What's your


name? I'm Nick. What was your motivation? Over Christmas, I went


out with the boys, woke up the next morning feeling all ill, sinus


problems and couldn't breathe out of one nostril, next morning same


problem, I sneezed and a lump of kebab flew out of my nose. How did


it get up there? To this day, don't know. I like to eat my food


quick, but I didn't realise I inhaled it. Are you sure it was


piece of kebab and not you? Let's have a look at another shocked face.


I'm guessing you've got some really shocking teeth. What's your name?


I'm Path. What was your motivation? A few years ago we went on a family


holiday to Florida. remember that. That is shocking.


Okay, so yes? I decided to take a photograph in the hotel room, took


the photo, and unfortunately, I took the photographs into work a few


later when I got back, somebody was looking through them, and she looked


very embarrassed and said, did you know that had happened? And my


husband had actually had his manhood hanging out of his shorts. What's


weird is I didn't even notice. There's a rather embarrassed looking


gentleman just next to you. an embarrassed looking gentleman,


yes. What's your name? Smudge. Shame the picture wasn't. It's


interesting that these stories are all about the surprise appearance of


meat. APPLAUSE thank you, I'll choose our winner, who's it going to


be. I do like the first one, I to say. The bush in the thing.


Yes, let's have that lady, Sam. Sam's in the sketch, we'll be seeing


more of her later. Talking of shocks, what's the most


shocks, what's the most shocking thing that's happened to you?


Recently, I got waxed . You didn't. I did. What, the - more or less


everything. The whole chest. I say the whole chest, that didn't


that much wax. The legs and about half, just one half of the -


did you do that? It was an economic relief thing, it was - Comic Relief


thing, it was done by Denise van Outen, who is an inexperienced


waxer, for all her many talents. You're supposed to do it in strips,


but it was like a pizza on my chest, and then she needed two hands


tear it off, so I was going oo, and when she tore it off, I looked like


a Robin. I had an enormous red circle there. There must be a lot of


people that have been waxed there. I thought, I bet this is a double


bluff, it actually doesn't hurt that much, but it actually does. You're


not a particularly hire suit person - hirsute person, are you? I'm not.


It hasn't grown back. A tiny bit here. I've got less than that, I've


got nothing. What about your legs? I've got legs, yes. Now it's time to


welcome to the all star cast one of the best standups in the world right


now, all the way from Canada, please welcome Stuart Francis. Thank


very much, my name is Stuart Francis. Well, that's my stage name,


my real name is Barbara Streisand. I don't know how you got here, I


squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward. That's


how I roll. I have never asked a rhetorical question, how cool


that? I like my women the way I like my skis, rented. With a little wax


on their bottom. Swish. People who reinforce their own country's


negative stereotypes, what's that all aboot? It gets me so upset, I


want to take my ice hockey stick and club a seal, or a motors, or Justin


- or a moose, or Justin Bieber. APPLAUSE. I'm Canadian. I'm


some of you figured that oot. don't think my wife being very


religious has had an effect on our two daughters, Luke and John The


Baptist. I've got a moses joke that will divide the room. I


of television, the entire screen for that matter. I saw a show called


Last of the Summer Wine, know if you've seen it. It's about


three creepy old guys who roam the countryside trying to be funny and


failing miserably. No, Top Gear. Good night!


Ladies and gentlemen, Stuart Francis! Actually, here's a joke for


you. Knock, knock. Who's there? Zebra. Zebra, tea cake, muffin


spanner, cheese flan, jelly fish, toenail, Jock strap, crumble. Yes,


you're not laughing now, but wait until you see the late night repeat


with that signer for the deaf, you'll wet yourself. This is the


point in the show where I would be normally introducing our next guest,


this week it was supposed to be Andy Murray, but he was too busy getting


ready for Wimbledon, booking the holiday for straight after the


quarter-finals. I'm joking, he's Britain's Andy Murray. Until


the quarter-finals, when he will be Scotland's Andy Murray. We have


idea to find a replacement, it's time for:


# You got the look. Yes, you've the look. We asked everyone in our


audience which famous person they think they look like, and the winner


will get to star in the trailer for next week's show. First up, Ryan


Johnson. Are you all right? Not bad. What do you do? I work in


retail. Frank and Fern, do we any ideas who that might be? It's


very difficult. * I haven't got it. Everyone else has, except me.


There are some diseases that you would be thankful for that sentence.


Does this person wear spectacles? Yes. If you look through the


spectacles, if this was a magic eye face, where you stare and they


disappear, I think there is a hint of David Walliams in there. I have


been mistaken for him once. Also bit of Brian Cox. But not the


person you mainly look like? Not yet, know. We need the glasses on.


Are you in ladies' fashion? Yes. You're not going to say he looks


like Gok Wan? like Gok Wan? He's just got glasses


on. You're the only person in the


who doesn't think he looks like him. Can we have a look? Yes, that's Gok


Wan. Have you got any tips on how I can look good naked? A body bag?


You cheeky little shit! I'm have to work on my chat show skills.


You cheeky little shit! And another one, Amy Perry. Do we know who she


thinks she looks like? The person you look like, is she an actress?


Yes. Is she an actress in a soap opera? Yes. Unless it's Ena


Sharples, I probably won't get it, that's the last time I watched


soap on A is she in east enders? It was a fair bet. Yes. Did she used


to play - exactly. (playing trumpet). Is it Louie Armstrong?


Shall I give you a clue? Natalie Cassidy. No, Janet Trump et. It is


Natalie Cassidy, who plays Sonia east enders. Do you try and mix with


other celebs? No, but I think my mum looks like Johnny Vegas. Oh my


God. Thank you! You are a charming daughter. Hello, Mrs Vegas.


Especially when she has got a cup of tea and a monkey. Can we have


look - APPLAUSE. I'm absolutely loving that. Another one? We've got


Kalin. It's not Gok Want's mum, it what do you do? I'm a personal


trainer. You're very energetic, can barely keep your glasses up.


I'm wondering whether she can give us a wink? Do you know, we're all


actually terrified. Are you getting that Frank? I got it from the clue.


I was quite a long way away. were you? Michael Foot, the former


leader of the Labour Party. Okay, Fern, who do we think it is? You


are the Weekest Link. Gob! * * * * * *


goodbi! Have you met anyone famous? I met George Michael in a sauna,


when he was in Wham with the lovely hair. He gave me his autograph. He


popped in his taxi and went off, and the lady who runs the sauna said:


he's left his underpants in the locker. Did you get them? Yes.


Have you got them now? Can I go and get them? Look at you! Only for


you, I know you're interested. Thank you. I bet she hasn't -


the autograph, everything's here. can do a great big auction at the


end. Have they been washed? No! You know what I'm looking for. You


you know what he's like with his driving, there's probably skid


marks. It's a comedy basic, can I put them on my head? They're tiny.


Bringing back memories, George? are tiny, aren't they. Your head


bigger than his bottom. I'm going to leave this in your hands, Frank and


Fern. Who are we giving the job of promoting next week's show to? I


quite like Johnny Vegas. That was a late entrant. You can have them


both, Vegas and Sonia. That sounds lovely. Let's hear it for Johnny


Vegas and her daughter, Sonia from Eastenders. We will be seeing them


later on in the show. Now, people think I'm just a glamorous


this show, I wrote that. I'm not, you know. I even do my own bookings.


Lee Mack's All Star Cast? Hello, Giggsy. You're not on this show, you


got it mixed up. You're on that other one, Mr And someone else's


missus. I have to go, a young at the door. By the way, have you


got any good chat-up lines? Have you been on Big Brother? Oh, have you


been on my Big Brother? I know it was your little brother, but it


doesn't work for the joke. It's TV's Tess Daly! Nice to see you, to see


you - Please don't. Thanks for coming round, it's always nice


meet the guests before they come on the show. I didn't really imagine


you living in a place like this. It's only temporary. I mean, you're


doing better than I expected. What can I get you to drink, tea, coffee


or something a little bit stronger? What have you got? Bovril. No


thanks. It's home made. All you need is a blender and a cow. Anyway,


give us your coat and grab a seat. So, I'm guessing you must be very


lonely at the moment, Peter being away on tour. Who's Peter? Your


husband, Peter Kay. I'm married to Vernon Kay. Oh, that makes my next


question a bit redundant. going to say, do you not think that


big cumbersome northern lad is punching above his weight? It still


makes sense. They told me you were a funny man did they? Yes. So


when's that going to kick in? I'll make us that drink. (cow moos) what


are we going to talk about when come on the show? We could talk


about Strictly. Bruce Forsyth or Len Goodman. If you had to, which one?


Is there something wrong with you? Come on, they're good looking lags.


I know - lads. I know Craig Revel who are would. Lovely lovely fella.


(knocks at the door) it's my beloved landlady, Miss Trent. It looks like


someone's led the air out of Eddie Izzard. Where's the rent, boy?


do you know about him? I see. I'll start paying the rent when you


out the heating. There's wrong with the heating. You reckon?


He's right about how cold it is, I'm jersey. Friesian. Looks like


I've got a couple of uninvited guests. You're telling me. Where


were we? (knock at door) pizza delivery for Mack? Perfect timing.


And the wine. Oh, thank you. * and the flowers. And the Barry White


CD. Oh, and the other thing you asked me for, Boots was shut, sorry.


Right then. Listen, Lee, thanks much for the chat, but I had better


get going. Hang on, I have got little surprise for you. It's not a


surprise, I've already heard it's little. Come on, it's very romantic.


Look Lee, can I be blunt? Don't worry, I've already got that


covered. APPLAUSE #His life is average, he's a bit of


a bore. Don't change the words!


# He came on Strictly and tried to have you on the floor. He tells his


corny jokes, he thinks you are amused. He thinks he's got


with you, he's deluded and confused. He's pitiful. He's pitiful. He's


pitiful, it's true. You're here because we can't afford Chris


Martin! # He's an utter disgrace, it's been


really nice to meet ya, so go back home now to Peter. It's Vernon!


APPLAUSE I can see why you became cockney rhyming slang.


And thanks to Lady Gaga for lending us that cow costume. It's not


our star guests and studio who get the chance to be in my


star cast tonight, it's also you, the viewers at home. Yes, it's time


for: # When, will I, will I be famous?


For 15 seconds. Yes, famous for 15 seconds where we


offer you, the viewers at home, the chance to join my cast by showcasing


your skills or attendance note, anything at all as long as it can be


done - skills or talent, it can be done from home in 15


seconds. And the act that will be crowned this week's famous for 15


seconds - yes. You're not getting the cushion. It's * it genuinely


cost more than the crown. The winner will return next week to face new


challengers. Let's meet our first hopeful, Anna. Where are you calling


from? From Erskine in Scotland. From where? Whydy shout like a


grandad? It's magic. How does she fit in the telly? What are you going


to do for us tonight? I'm going to sing you a little song. This is


your 15 seconds of fame. Okay. #oo a, just a little bit. Just


little bit more! You know what I'm looking for. Anna Devitt, ladies and


gentlemen. Marvellous. APPLAUSE. Very good navel there. Like a


gaping chasm. You could keep a hard boiled egg in there, on a long


journey. Have you got anything else in your repertoire? Anything


in your navel? Yes, I can sing you another song. Please do.


worries. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy


birthday dear Lee, happy birthday to you. APPLAUSE actually, it isn't my


birthday, but when she first did that with her T-shirt, I thought it


was. Next up, Matthew. Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. What are


you going to do for us tonight? going to show you a bit of white


magic. Okay, Matthew Baldwin, this is your 15 seconds of fame. I


be imagining this, but I think a man is just Downing milk. I


could be the build-up to something very spectacular. Did you just drink


milk? 2 pints of milk in one go. In 15 seconds? Sadly, there was a


technical hitch. Could you do it again? No, no, no! Don't do it


again, you'll die. You can't die drinking milk. You can't drink 4


pints of milk like that. Okay, I don't want you dying. Do you want


do it again, or would you rather not? I'll flip it to see whether


do it again. Oh, it's a coin, I see. Is this how you make all your


decisions? Do you want milk in your tea? Hang on. And sugar? I'll tell


you what, it was so entertaining, just give us the highlights,


sip. Brilliant. I think you'll agree, ladies and gentlemen, that is


some talent. I would never have forgiven myself. I honestly think


there's a genuine chance that could have killed him. Okay, hello Jodie


Cotton. Are you there? Hello. are you doing? I'm good, thank you,


yourself. Is that a normal door, or do you live in a stable? I'm not


telling you. What are you going to do? A bit of singing. Fantastic.


Take it away Jodie, this is your 15 seconds of fame.


# The taste of her cherry chap stick. I kissed a girl and I liked


it - oh sorry, I messed it up! Don't worry, we weren't enjoying it. I'm


joking, that was wonderful. Have you got any other songs in your


repertoire? #30 years of hurt, never stopped me


dreaming. I'm finding your voice fine, but the song's a bit


irritating. What's your navel like? I feel you're missing an opportunity


here. Can I just explain, we


something earlier, that you won't understand. Frank's not trying to


come on to you. What kind of a chat-up line is: what's your navel


like? I'm interested to know what is behind that door. It's the


chipmunks that she was miming. There's a big dog. Bring the dog


in. Do you want to see him? he is. I tell you what, he's lazy.


Did he used to be owned by Alice Cooper? Let the dog go back to


watching 3D TV. Round of applause for Jodie. So Frank and Fern, their


fates rest in your hands. Who want to crown as this week's famous


for 15 seconds winner? I have a winner mind does it involve the


navel? Yes, I agree. The singing belly button, Anna Devitt, well


done. How do you feel about winning? Brilliant! Tell me, can you join us


next week? Yes, we'll be there. That's good. She has got some guts.


Ladies and gentlemen, - come on, it was a joke! Ladies and gentlemen,


let's hear it for Anna Devitt. We'll see you next week. If you want to be


part of my cast next week, then go online. Thanks to all from tonight,


Fern Britton, Frank Skinner, Stuart Francis, Tess Daly and of course our


studio audience. Right now, to play us out, performing I'll Be Your Man,


please welcome the fantastic James Blunt!


#So many voices, too many noises, invisible wires keeping us apart.


# So many choices, but they're all disappointments, and they only steal


me away from you. # But I'm into our private bubble,


let's get into all kinds of trouble # slide over here, let your


feel the way. There's no better method to communicate.


# Girl, stop your talking, words just get in the way, I'll be your


man. #so baby, come over, from the


the sofa. I'll be your man. #I'll be your man.


#so many faces, staring at their shoelaces, when all anyone wants


to be seen. So tonight, let's be honest, we all want to be wanted.


And darling, you've got me wanting you.


#Everything that I'm trying to say, just sounds like a worn out cliche.


# Slide over here, let your hands feel the way. There's no better


method to communicate. # Girl, stop your talking, words


just get in the way. I'll be your man.


#so baby, come over from the end of the sofa. I'll Be Your Man.


#I'll be your man. #what are you looking for, someone


you just can't ignore, it's love coming from my heart, you've


got me tripping. What we're all looking


feel the way. There's no better method to communicate.


#Girl, stop your talking, words just get in the way. I'll be your man.


#so baby, come over from the the sofa. I'll be your man.


#I'll be your man. #I'll be your man.


I'm Sonia from East it has enders, I'm Sonia from East it has enders,


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