Episode 1 Lee Mack's All Star Cast


Episode 1

Lee Mack hosts an entertainment show with celebrity guests, stand-up comedy and the British public. Lee is joined by Frank Skinner, Fern Britton, Tess Daly and James Blunt.


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Transcript


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Welcome to the Lee Mack's all star Welcome to the Lee Mack's all star

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cast, the show that has big celebrity guests but also gives

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normal people like me, John Hamner, the chance to be our star -

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LAUGHTER. I think that's about as naturalistic as we're going to get!

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Roll titles. Roll titles.

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APPLAUSE . HELLO! LADIES AND APPLAUSE . HELLO! LADIES AND

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GENTLEMEN, LET'S HERE IT for my house choir, the gospel honest

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truth! Bit awkward. Quick tip, always check what the others are

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wearing before you come out. to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, the

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show that not only has fantastic celebrity guests but gives you, the

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audience, the chance to star. All right, calm down, you sycophants.

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She's known for being very frank, it's Fern Britton! And so is he,

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it's Frank Skinner! We've got standup from the brilliant Stuart

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Francis. And music from our favourite tank commander, James

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Blant - James Blunt. But sadly there were some people we weren't able to

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cast this week. We weren't able to cast Bruce Forsyth, he has been too

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busy celebrating the news of his knighthood, which means he's lower

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than a King but higher than a Jack. The only bad news for Bruce is

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he'll no longer be able to use his famous catchphrase, where's my

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bloody knighthood, my bloody knighthood, where? Just as we

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rehearsed. Someone else we couldn't cast is a certain Premiership

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footballer who shall remain nameless. Believe it or not, despite

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the fact everyone knows who he is, we still technically can't mention

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his name in connection with certain stories. It's ridiculous. Trust me,

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as a standup comedian, this story is ruining my gigs. Not just my gigs,

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everyone's gigs. And people have paid good money to go to these gigs.

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Sod it, I don't care what the rules are. It was Gary Neville. It wasn't

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really, it was Ryan Giggs. We also haven't been able to cast a Filipino

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gentleman by the name of June Raybalawing, who became the world's

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smallest man, 22 inches tall, holding a twiglet. If you don't

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believe me, type put it this way pee know into going.

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- philipino - better not. Also NASA, they are arresting a woman who has

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been trying to sell moon rock, her identity has not been revealed,

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although I think it might be Mrs N Armstrong of Houston, Texas. I knew

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not everyone would get that joke. It's about the Houston gag, we have

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a problem. It's true though, moon rock is very rare, actually

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rare and valuable than most precious metals, and we are genuinely lucky

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enough tonight to have one here. This is genuinely a piece of moon

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rock that has been lent to us by the science museum, it has an estimated

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value of over half a million pounds. You're laughing, this is genuine.

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you don't believe me, look inside, it says moon rock. You see? And they

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laughed when I asked the chuckle brothers to ask for me this week.

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Here you go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet our star guests!

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My first guest tonight started her TV career on the local news, as did

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I, but for very different reasons. I've improved. My second guest is

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genuinely one of may favourite immediateians of all - comedians of

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all time, and he's had two number ones, but at his age, it's hard

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hold it in. Please welcome, Britton and Frank Skinner!

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#Baby, you're a firework. Come on, let your colours

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you. A nice little ageist gag to begin with. It's a fabulous

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entrance. That's what I imagine the afterlife will be like. Except

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obviously I will probably be walking upstairs. But I'll be happy to go

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with you, Fern. I could be going either way, I'm not sure. That's

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worth knowing! Don't clap that. You're obviously both got something

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in common, you're more used to sitting in my seat and being the

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host. First question, any tips, Fern? You have interviewed them all.

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Not them all, that would have taken forever. What was the best interview

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you did? Oh gosh. I suppose the one that got the most publicity was

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Blair. But the most enjoyable ones, I think, were people like lies is a

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Minelli, Lauren Bacall, fantastic. Am I the only person in the room who

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doesn't know who Rosalind Russell is. I don't either. Does anybody

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know? Man alive. Is it someone you interviewed on a bus? She was

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woman who appeared with Marilyn Monroe in gentlemen prefer blonds.

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That's Jane Russell. Oh back bleep � it was. As a chat show host, know

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the names of the people you are interviewing. You also interviewed

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the Prime Minister, Rupert Bear. Have you had any good or bad

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experiences? One thing I would say is don't talk to the guests

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the chat show. I interviewed Ringo Star once and before we went on,

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said to me, by the way, I'd rather not talk about the Beatles, so we

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did 20 minutes on Thomas the tank engine. As you know, part of

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job tonight is to help me members of our audience to be

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of the show, first up tonight, need to cast someone who will make a

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special appearance later. I'm looking for someone with Oscar

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winning acting skills, and whoever you two pick will appear in a major

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BBC costume drama, otherwise known as the cobbled together sketch

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the end of this show, and tonight the emotion we need is that of

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shocked. Think of your motivation, because I'll be asking you about

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that later. It can be the most shocking thing you've ever seen or

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done. In my case, going to a strip club and meeting a woman who

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in the same road as me, it was my mum. I still put a tenner in her

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knickers. So on the count of three, your best shocked face. Three, two,

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Let's have a look at some of our hopefuls. That's like a shocking

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to eat a melon. You know I used to have a big doll that looked just

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like that. What's your name? Sam. What was your motivation?

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years ago, I went for a walk in the local park to feed the deer, and I

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was with my landlady and her family, I was busy walking along, having a

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chat, I thought she was right behind me, I couldn't hear her talking to

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me, so I turned round and there she is squatting there by a bush

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a wee, and I saw everything. So she was your landlady and your squatter,

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I suppose. Let's have a look at another one. Blimey. You look

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you have seen a ghost. A really underwhelming ghost. What's your

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name? I'm Nick. What was your motivation? Over Christmas, I went

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out with the boys, woke up the next morning feeling all ill, sinus

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problems and couldn't breathe out of one nostril, next morning same

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problem, I sneezed and a lump of kebab flew out of my nose. How did

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it get up there? To this day, don't know. I like to eat my food

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quick, but I didn't realise I inhaled it. Are you sure it was

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piece of kebab and not you? Let's have a look at another shocked face.

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I'm guessing you've got some really shocking teeth. What's your name?

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I'm Path. What was your motivation? A few years ago we went on a family

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holiday to Florida. remember that. That is shocking.

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Okay, so yes? I decided to take a photograph in the hotel room, took

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the photo, and unfortunately, I took the photographs into work a few

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later when I got back, somebody was looking through them, and she looked

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very embarrassed and said, did you know that had happened? And my

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husband had actually had his manhood hanging out of his shorts. What's

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weird is I didn't even notice. There's a rather embarrassed looking

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gentleman just next to you. an embarrassed looking gentleman,

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yes. What's your name? Smudge. Shame the picture wasn't. It's

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interesting that these stories are all about the surprise appearance of

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meat. APPLAUSE thank you, I'll choose our winner, who's it going to

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be. I do like the first one, I to say. The bush in the thing.

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Yes, let's have that lady, Sam. Sam's in the sketch, we'll be seeing

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more of her later. Talking of shocks, what's the most

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shocks, what's the most shocking thing that's happened to you?

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Recently, I got waxed . You didn't. I did. What, the - more or less

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everything. The whole chest. I say the whole chest, that didn't

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that much wax. The legs and about half, just one half of the -

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did you do that? It was an economic relief thing, it was - Comic Relief

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thing, it was done by Denise van Outen, who is an inexperienced

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waxer, for all her many talents. You're supposed to do it in strips,

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but it was like a pizza on my chest, and then she needed two hands

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tear it off, so I was going oo, and when she tore it off, I looked like

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a Robin. I had an enormous red circle there. There must be a lot of

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people that have been waxed there. I thought, I bet this is a double

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bluff, it actually doesn't hurt that much, but it actually does. You're

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not a particularly hire suit person - hirsute person, are you? I'm not.

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It hasn't grown back. A tiny bit here. I've got less than that, I've

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got nothing. What about your legs? I've got legs, yes. Now it's time to

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welcome to the all star cast one of the best standups in the world right

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now, all the way from Canada, please welcome Stuart Francis. Thank

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very much, my name is Stuart Francis. Well, that's my stage name,

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my real name is Barbara Streisand. I don't know how you got here, I

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squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward. That's

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how I roll. I have never asked a rhetorical question, how cool

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that? I like my women the way I like my skis, rented. With a little wax

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on their bottom. Swish. People who reinforce their own country's

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negative stereotypes, what's that all aboot? It gets me so upset, I

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want to take my ice hockey stick and club a seal, or a motors, or Justin

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- or a moose, or Justin Bieber. APPLAUSE. I'm Canadian. I'm

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some of you figured that oot. don't think my wife being very

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religious has had an effect on our two daughters, Luke and John The

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Baptist. I've got a moses joke that will divide the room. I

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of television, the entire screen for that matter. I saw a show called

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Last of the Summer Wine, know if you've seen it. It's about

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three creepy old guys who roam the countryside trying to be funny and

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failing miserably. No, Top Gear. Good night!

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Ladies and gentlemen, Stuart Francis! Actually, here's a joke for

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you. Knock, knock. Who's there? Zebra. Zebra, tea cake, muffin

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spanner, cheese flan, jelly fish, toenail, Jock strap, crumble. Yes,

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you're not laughing now, but wait until you see the late night repeat

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with that signer for the deaf, you'll wet yourself. This is the

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point in the show where I would be normally introducing our next guest,

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this week it was supposed to be Andy Murray, but he was too busy getting

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ready for Wimbledon, booking the holiday for straight after the

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quarter-finals. I'm joking, he's Britain's Andy Murray. Until

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the quarter-finals, when he will be Scotland's Andy Murray. We have

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idea to find a replacement, it's time for:

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# You got the look. Yes, you've the look. We asked everyone in our

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audience which famous person they think they look like, and the winner

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will get to star in the trailer for next week's show. First up, Ryan

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Johnson. Are you all right? Not bad. What do you do? I work in

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retail. Frank and Fern, do we any ideas who that might be? It's

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very difficult. * I haven't got it. Everyone else has, except me.

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There are some diseases that you would be thankful for that sentence.

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Does this person wear spectacles? Yes. If you look through the

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spectacles, if this was a magic eye face, where you stare and they

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disappear, I think there is a hint of David Walliams in there. I have

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been mistaken for him once. Also bit of Brian Cox. But not the

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person you mainly look like? Not yet, know. We need the glasses on.

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Are you in ladies' fashion? Yes. You're not going to say he looks

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like Gok Wan? like Gok Wan? He's just got glasses

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on. You're the only person in the

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who doesn't think he looks like him. Can we have a look? Yes, that's Gok

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Wan. Have you got any tips on how I can look good naked? A body bag?

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You cheeky little shit! I'm have to work on my chat show skills.

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You cheeky little shit! And another one, Amy Perry. Do we know who she

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thinks she looks like? The person you look like, is she an actress?

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Yes. Is she an actress in a soap opera? Yes. Unless it's Ena

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Sharples, I probably won't get it, that's the last time I watched

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soap on A is she in east enders? It was a fair bet. Yes. Did she used

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to play - exactly. (playing trumpet). Is it Louie Armstrong?

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Shall I give you a clue? Natalie Cassidy. No, Janet Trump et. It is

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Natalie Cassidy, who plays Sonia east enders. Do you try and mix with

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other celebs? No, but I think my mum looks like Johnny Vegas. Oh my

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God. Thank you! You are a charming daughter. Hello, Mrs Vegas.

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Especially when she has got a cup of tea and a monkey. Can we have

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look - APPLAUSE. I'm absolutely loving that. Another one? We've got

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Kalin. It's not Gok Want's mum, it what do you do? I'm a personal

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trainer. You're very energetic, can barely keep your glasses up.

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I'm wondering whether she can give us a wink? Do you know, we're all

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actually terrified. Are you getting that Frank? I got it from the clue.

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I was quite a long way away. were you? Michael Foot, the former

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leader of the Labour Party. Okay, Fern, who do we think it is? You

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are the Weekest Link. Gob! * * * * * *

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goodbi! Have you met anyone famous? I met George Michael in a sauna,

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when he was in Wham with the lovely hair. He gave me his autograph. He

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popped in his taxi and went off, and the lady who runs the sauna said:

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he's left his underpants in the locker. Did you get them? Yes.

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Have you got them now? Can I go and get them? Look at you! Only for

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you, I know you're interested. Thank you. I bet she hasn't -

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the autograph, everything's here. can do a great big auction at the

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end. Have they been washed? No! You know what I'm looking for. You

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you know what he's like with his driving, there's probably skid

:21:55.:22:02.

marks. It's a comedy basic, can I put them on my head? They're tiny.

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Bringing back memories, George? are tiny, aren't they. Your head

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bigger than his bottom. I'm going to leave this in your hands, Frank and

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Fern. Who are we giving the job of promoting next week's show to? I

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quite like Johnny Vegas. That was a late entrant. You can have them

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both, Vegas and Sonia. That sounds lovely. Let's hear it for Johnny

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Vegas and her daughter, Sonia from Eastenders. We will be seeing them

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later on in the show. Now, people think I'm just a glamorous

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this show, I wrote that. I'm not, you know. I even do my own bookings.

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Lee Mack's All Star Cast? Hello, Giggsy. You're not on this show, you

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got it mixed up. You're on that other one, Mr And someone else's

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missus. I have to go, a young at the door. By the way, have you

:23:13.:23:18.

got any good chat-up lines? Have you been on Big Brother? Oh, have you

:23:18.:23:24.

been on my Big Brother? I know it was your little brother, but it

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doesn't work for the joke. It's TV's Tess Daly! Nice to see you, to see

:23:32.:23:37.

you - Please don't. Thanks for coming round, it's always nice

:23:37.:23:40.

meet the guests before they come on the show. I didn't really imagine

:23:40.:23:45.

you living in a place like this. It's only temporary. I mean, you're

:23:45.:23:51.

doing better than I expected. What can I get you to drink, tea, coffee

:23:51.:23:58.

or something a little bit stronger? What have you got? Bovril. No

:23:58.:24:04.

thanks. It's home made. All you need is a blender and a cow. Anyway,

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give us your coat and grab a seat. So, I'm guessing you must be very

:24:16.:24:21.

lonely at the moment, Peter being away on tour. Who's Peter? Your

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husband, Peter Kay. I'm married to Vernon Kay. Oh, that makes my next

:24:28.:24:32.

question a bit redundant. going to say, do you not think that

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big cumbersome northern lad is punching above his weight? It still

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makes sense. They told me you were a funny man did they? Yes. So

:24:43.:24:53.
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when's that going to kick in? I'll make us that drink. (cow moos) what

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are we going to talk about when come on the show? We could talk

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about Strictly. Bruce Forsyth or Len Goodman. If you had to, which one?

:25:08.:25:15.

Is there something wrong with you? Come on, they're good looking lags.

:25:15.:25:25.
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I know - lads. I know Craig Revel who are would. Lovely lovely fella.

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(knocks at the door) it's my beloved landlady, Miss Trent. It looks like

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someone's led the air out of Eddie Izzard. Where's the rent, boy?

:25:42.:25:46.

do you know about him? I see. I'll start paying the rent when you

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out the heating. There's wrong with the heating. You reckon?

:25:51.:26:00.

He's right about how cold it is, I'm jersey. Friesian. Looks like

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I've got a couple of uninvited guests. You're telling me. Where

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were we? (knock at door) pizza delivery for Mack? Perfect timing.

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And the wine. Oh, thank you. * and the flowers. And the Barry White

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CD. Oh, and the other thing you asked me for, Boots was shut, sorry.

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Right then. Listen, Lee, thanks much for the chat, but I had better

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get going. Hang on, I have got little surprise for you. It's not a

:26:52.:26:58.

surprise, I've already heard it's little. Come on, it's very romantic.

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Look Lee, can I be blunt? Don't worry, I've already got that

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covered. APPLAUSE #His life is average, he's a bit of

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a bore. Don't change the words!

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# He came on Strictly and tried to have you on the floor. He tells his

:27:25.:27:29.

corny jokes, he thinks you are amused. He thinks he's got

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with you, he's deluded and confused. He's pitiful. He's pitiful. He's

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pitiful, it's true. You're here because we can't afford Chris

:27:45.:27:51.

Martin! # He's an utter disgrace, it's been

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really nice to meet ya, so go back home now to Peter. It's Vernon!

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APPLAUSE I can see why you became cockney rhyming slang.

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And thanks to Lady Gaga for lending us that cow costume. It's not

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our star guests and studio who get the chance to be in my

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star cast tonight, it's also you, the viewers at home. Yes, it's time

:28:28.:28:33.

for: # When, will I, will I be famous?

:28:33.:28:38.

For 15 seconds. Yes, famous for 15 seconds where we

:28:38.:28:43.

offer you, the viewers at home, the chance to join my cast by showcasing

:28:43.:28:48.

your skills or attendance note, anything at all as long as it can be

:28:48.:28:52.

done - skills or talent, it can be done from home in 15

:28:52.:28:59.

seconds. And the act that will be crowned this week's famous for 15

:28:59.:29:06.

seconds - yes. You're not getting the cushion. It's * it genuinely

:29:06.:29:10.

cost more than the crown. The winner will return next week to face new

:29:10.:29:14.

challengers. Let's meet our first hopeful, Anna. Where are you calling

:29:14.:29:23.

from? From Erskine in Scotland. From where? Whydy shout like a

:29:23.:29:27.

grandad? It's magic. How does she fit in the telly? What are you going

:29:27.:29:31.

to do for us tonight? I'm going to sing you a little song. This is

:29:31.:29:40.

your 15 seconds of fame. Okay. #oo a, just a little bit. Just

:29:40.:29:49.

little bit more! You know what I'm looking for. Anna Devitt, ladies and

:29:49.:29:59.

gentlemen. Marvellous. APPLAUSE. Very good navel there. Like a

:29:59.:30:04.

gaping chasm. You could keep a hard boiled egg in there, on a long

:30:04.:30:09.

journey. Have you got anything else in your repertoire? Anything

:30:09.:30:14.

in your navel? Yes, I can sing you another song. Please do.

:30:14.:30:24.
:30:24.:30:26.

worries. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy

:30:26.:30:36.
:30:36.:30:38.

birthday dear Lee, happy birthday to you. APPLAUSE actually, it isn't my

:30:38.:30:42.

birthday, but when she first did that with her T-shirt, I thought it

:30:42.:30:47.

was. Next up, Matthew. Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. What are

:30:47.:30:51.

you going to do for us tonight? going to show you a bit of white

:30:51.:31:01.
:31:01.:31:02.

magic. Okay, Matthew Baldwin, this is your 15 seconds of fame. I

:31:02.:31:09.

be imagining this, but I think a man is just Downing milk. I

:31:09.:31:19.
:31:19.:31:20.

could be the build-up to something very spectacular. Did you just drink

:31:20.:31:27.

milk? 2 pints of milk in one go. In 15 seconds? Sadly, there was a

:31:27.:31:37.
:31:37.:31:37.

technical hitch. Could you do it again? No, no, no! Don't do it

:31:37.:31:42.

again, you'll die. You can't die drinking milk. You can't drink 4

:31:42.:31:47.

pints of milk like that. Okay, I don't want you dying. Do you want

:31:47.:31:52.

do it again, or would you rather not? I'll flip it to see whether

:31:52.:31:58.

do it again. Oh, it's a coin, I see. Is this how you make all your

:31:58.:32:05.

decisions? Do you want milk in your tea? Hang on. And sugar? I'll tell

:32:05.:32:09.

you what, it was so entertaining, just give us the highlights,

:32:09.:32:14.

sip. Brilliant. I think you'll agree, ladies and gentlemen, that is

:32:14.:32:20.

some talent. I would never have forgiven myself. I honestly think

:32:20.:32:26.

there's a genuine chance that could have killed him. Okay, hello Jodie

:32:26.:32:31.

Cotton. Are you there? Hello. are you doing? I'm good, thank you,

:32:31.:32:35.

yourself. Is that a normal door, or do you live in a stable? I'm not

:32:35.:32:40.

telling you. What are you going to do? A bit of singing. Fantastic.

:32:40.:32:47.

Take it away Jodie, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

:32:47.:32:55.

# The taste of her cherry chap stick. I kissed a girl and I liked

:32:55.:33:03.

it - oh sorry, I messed it up! Don't worry, we weren't enjoying it. I'm

:33:03.:33:07.

joking, that was wonderful. Have you got any other songs in your

:33:07.:33:16.

repertoire? #30 years of hurt, never stopped me

:33:16.:33:20.

dreaming. I'm finding your voice fine, but the song's a bit

:33:20.:33:26.

irritating. What's your navel like? I feel you're missing an opportunity

:33:26.:33:28.

here. Can I just explain, we

:33:28.:33:32.

something earlier, that you won't understand. Frank's not trying to

:33:32.:33:37.

come on to you. What kind of a chat-up line is: what's your navel

:33:37.:33:43.

like? I'm interested to know what is behind that door. It's the

:33:43.:33:49.

chipmunks that she was miming. There's a big dog. Bring the dog

:33:49.:33:59.
:33:59.:34:01.

in. Do you want to see him? he is. I tell you what, he's lazy.

:34:01.:34:10.

Did he used to be owned by Alice Cooper? Let the dog go back to

:34:10.:34:18.

watching 3D TV. Round of applause for Jodie. So Frank and Fern, their

:34:18.:34:24.

fates rest in your hands. Who want to crown as this week's famous

:34:24.:34:31.

for 15 seconds winner? I have a winner mind does it involve the

:34:31.:34:38.

navel? Yes, I agree. The singing belly button, Anna Devitt, well

:34:38.:34:45.

done. How do you feel about winning? Brilliant! Tell me, can you join us

:34:45.:34:53.

next week? Yes, we'll be there. That's good. She has got some guts.

:34:53.:34:57.

Ladies and gentlemen, - come on, it was a joke! Ladies and gentlemen,

:34:57.:35:04.

let's hear it for Anna Devitt. We'll see you next week. If you want to be

:35:04.:35:14.
:35:14.:35:17.

part of my cast next week, then go online. Thanks to all from tonight,

:35:17.:35:20.

Fern Britton, Frank Skinner, Stuart Francis, Tess Daly and of course our

:35:20.:35:25.

studio audience. Right now, to play us out, performing I'll Be Your Man,

:35:25.:35:35.
:35:35.:35:36.

please welcome the fantastic James Blunt!

:35:36.:35:45.

#So many voices, too many noises, invisible wires keeping us apart.

:35:45.:35:53.

# So many choices, but they're all disappointments, and they only steal

:35:53.:36:00.

me away from you. # But I'm into our private bubble,

:36:00.:36:06.

let's get into all kinds of trouble # slide over here, let your

:36:06.:36:11.

feel the way. There's no better method to communicate.

:36:11.:36:17.

# Girl, stop your talking, words just get in the way, I'll be your

:36:17.:36:23.

man. #so baby, come over, from the

:36:23.:36:33.
:36:33.:36:35.

the sofa. I'll be your man. #I'll be your man.

:36:35.:36:43.

#so many faces, staring at their shoelaces, when all anyone wants

:36:43.:36:50.

to be seen. So tonight, let's be honest, we all want to be wanted.

:36:50.:36:56.

And darling, you've got me wanting you.

:36:56.:37:02.

#Everything that I'm trying to say, just sounds like a worn out cliche.

:37:02.:37:07.

# Slide over here, let your hands feel the way. There's no better

:37:07.:37:13.

method to communicate. # Girl, stop your talking, words

:37:13.:37:20.

just get in the way. I'll be your man.

:37:20.:37:30.

#so baby, come over from the end of the sofa. I'll Be Your Man.

:37:30.:37:40.
:37:40.:37:40.

#I'll be your man. #what are you looking for, someone

:37:40.:37:45.

you just can't ignore, it's love coming from my heart, you've

:37:46.:37:49.

got me tripping. What we're all looking

:37:49.:37:59.
:37:59.:38:03.

feel the way. There's no better method to communicate.

:38:03.:38:11.

#Girl, stop your talking, words just get in the way. I'll be your man.

:38:11.:38:21.
:38:21.:38:22.

#so baby, come over from the the sofa. I'll be your man.

:38:22.:38:32.
:38:32.:38:35.

#I'll be your man. #I'll be your man.

:38:35.:38:40.

I'm Sonia from East it has enders, I'm Sonia from East it has enders,

:38:40.:38:44.

Comedian Lee Mack hosts a new Saturday night entertainment show. Packed full of celebrity guests, stand-up comedy and the great British public, everyone gets their moment in the spotlight.

Lee is joined by Frank Skinner, Fern Britton, Tess Daly and James Blunt.


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