Episode 1 Lee Mack's All Star Cast

Welcome to the Lee Mack's all star Welcome to the Lee Mack's all star

cast, the show that has big celebrity guests but also gives

normal people like me, John Hamner, the chance to be our star -

LAUGHTER. I think that's about as naturalistic as we're going to get!

Roll titles. Roll titles.

APPLAUSE . HELLO! LADIES AND APPLAUSE . HELLO! LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, LET'S HERE IT for my house choir, the gospel honest

truth! Bit awkward. Quick tip, always check what the others are

wearing before you come out. to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, the

show that not only has fantastic celebrity guests but gives you, the

audience, the chance to star. All right, calm down, you sycophants.

She's known for being very frank, it's Fern Britton! And so is he,

it's Frank Skinner! We've got standup from the brilliant Stuart

Francis. And music from our favourite tank commander, James

Blant - James Blunt. But sadly there were some people we weren't able to

cast this week. We weren't able to cast Bruce Forsyth, he has been too

busy celebrating the news of his knighthood, which means he's lower

than a King but higher than a Jack. The only bad news for Bruce is

he'll no longer be able to use his famous catchphrase, where's my

bloody knighthood, my bloody knighthood, where? Just as we

rehearsed. Someone else we couldn't cast is a certain Premiership

footballer who shall remain nameless. Believe it or not, despite

the fact everyone knows who he is, we still technically can't mention

his name in connection with certain stories. It's ridiculous. Trust me,

as a standup comedian, this story is ruining my gigs. Not just my gigs,

everyone's gigs. And people have paid good money to go to these gigs.

Sod it, I don't care what the rules are. It was Gary Neville. It wasn't

really, it was Ryan Giggs. We also haven't been able to cast a Filipino

gentleman by the name of June Raybalawing, who became the world's

smallest man, 22 inches tall, holding a twiglet. If you don't

believe me, type put it this way pee know into going.

- philipino - better not. Also NASA, they are arresting a woman who has

been trying to sell moon rock, her identity has not been revealed,

although I think it might be Mrs N Armstrong of Houston, Texas. I knew

not everyone would get that joke. It's about the Houston gag, we have

a problem. It's true though, moon rock is very rare, actually

rare and valuable than most precious metals, and we are genuinely lucky

enough tonight to have one here. This is genuinely a piece of moon

rock that has been lent to us by the science museum, it has an estimated

value of over half a million pounds. You're laughing, this is genuine.

you don't believe me, look inside, it says moon rock. You see? And they

laughed when I asked the chuckle brothers to ask for me this week.

Here you go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet our star guests!

My first guest tonight started her TV career on the local news, as did

I, but for very different reasons. I've improved. My second guest is

genuinely one of may favourite immediateians of all - comedians of

all time, and he's had two number ones, but at his age, it's hard

hold it in. Please welcome, Britton and Frank Skinner!

#Baby, you're a firework. Come on, let your colours

you. A nice little ageist gag to begin with. It's a fabulous

entrance. That's what I imagine the afterlife will be like. Except

obviously I will probably be walking upstairs. But I'll be happy to go

with you, Fern. I could be going either way, I'm not sure. That's

worth knowing! Don't clap that. You're obviously both got something

in common, you're more used to sitting in my seat and being the

host. First question, any tips, Fern? You have interviewed them all.

Not them all, that would have taken forever. What was the best interview

you did? Oh gosh. I suppose the one that got the most publicity was

Blair. But the most enjoyable ones, I think, were people like lies is a

Minelli, Lauren Bacall, fantastic. Am I the only person in the room who

doesn't know who Rosalind Russell is. I don't either. Does anybody

know? Man alive. Is it someone you interviewed on a bus? She was

woman who appeared with Marilyn Monroe in gentlemen prefer blonds.

That's Jane Russell. Oh back bleep � it was. As a chat show host, know

the names of the people you are interviewing. You also interviewed

the Prime Minister, Rupert Bear. Have you had any good or bad

experiences? One thing I would say is don't talk to the guests

the chat show. I interviewed Ringo Star once and before we went on,

said to me, by the way, I'd rather not talk about the Beatles, so we

did 20 minutes on Thomas the tank engine. As you know, part of

job tonight is to help me members of our audience to be

of the show, first up tonight, need to cast someone who will make a

special appearance later. I'm looking for someone with Oscar

winning acting skills, and whoever you two pick will appear in a major

BBC costume drama, otherwise known as the cobbled together sketch

the end of this show, and tonight the emotion we need is that of

shocked. Think of your motivation, because I'll be asking you about

that later. It can be the most shocking thing you've ever seen or

done. In my case, going to a strip club and meeting a woman who

in the same road as me, it was my mum. I still put a tenner in her

knickers. So on the count of three, your best shocked face. Three, two,

Let's have a look at some of our hopefuls. That's like a shocking

to eat a melon. You know I used to have a big doll that looked just

like that. What's your name? Sam. What was your motivation?

years ago, I went for a walk in the local park to feed the deer, and I

was with my landlady and her family, I was busy walking along, having a

chat, I thought she was right behind me, I couldn't hear her talking to

me, so I turned round and there she is squatting there by a bush

a wee, and I saw everything. So she was your landlady and your squatter,

I suppose. Let's have a look at another one. Blimey. You look

you have seen a ghost. A really underwhelming ghost. What's your

name? I'm Nick. What was your motivation? Over Christmas, I went

out with the boys, woke up the next morning feeling all ill, sinus

problems and couldn't breathe out of one nostril, next morning same

problem, I sneezed and a lump of kebab flew out of my nose. How did

it get up there? To this day, don't know. I like to eat my food

quick, but I didn't realise I inhaled it. Are you sure it was

piece of kebab and not you? Let's have a look at another shocked face.

I'm guessing you've got some really shocking teeth. What's your name?

I'm Path. What was your motivation? A few years ago we went on a family

holiday to Florida. remember that. That is shocking.

Okay, so yes? I decided to take a photograph in the hotel room, took

the photo, and unfortunately, I took the photographs into work a few

later when I got back, somebody was looking through them, and she looked

very embarrassed and said, did you know that had happened? And my

husband had actually had his manhood hanging out of his shorts. What's

weird is I didn't even notice. There's a rather embarrassed looking

gentleman just next to you. an embarrassed looking gentleman,

yes. What's your name? Smudge. Shame the picture wasn't. It's

interesting that these stories are all about the surprise appearance of

meat. APPLAUSE thank you, I'll choose our winner, who's it going to

be. I do like the first one, I to say. The bush in the thing.

Yes, let's have that lady, Sam. Sam's in the sketch, we'll be seeing

more of her later. Talking of shocks, what's the most

shocks, what's the most shocking thing that's happened to you?

Recently, I got waxed . You didn't. I did. What, the - more or less

everything. The whole chest. I say the whole chest, that didn't

that much wax. The legs and about half, just one half of the -

did you do that? It was an economic relief thing, it was - Comic Relief

thing, it was done by Denise van Outen, who is an inexperienced

waxer, for all her many talents. You're supposed to do it in strips,

but it was like a pizza on my chest, and then she needed two hands

tear it off, so I was going oo, and when she tore it off, I looked like

a Robin. I had an enormous red circle there. There must be a lot of

people that have been waxed there. I thought, I bet this is a double

bluff, it actually doesn't hurt that much, but it actually does. You're

not a particularly hire suit person - hirsute person, are you? I'm not.

It hasn't grown back. A tiny bit here. I've got less than that, I've

got nothing. What about your legs? I've got legs, yes. Now it's time to

welcome to the all star cast one of the best standups in the world right

now, all the way from Canada, please welcome Stuart Francis. Thank

very much, my name is Stuart Francis. Well, that's my stage name,

my real name is Barbara Streisand. I don't know how you got here, I

squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward. That's

how I roll. I have never asked a rhetorical question, how cool

that? I like my women the way I like my skis, rented. With a little wax

on their bottom. Swish. People who reinforce their own country's

negative stereotypes, what's that all aboot? It gets me so upset, I

want to take my ice hockey stick and club a seal, or a motors, or Justin

- or a moose, or Justin Bieber. APPLAUSE. I'm Canadian. I'm

some of you figured that oot. don't think my wife being very

religious has had an effect on our two daughters, Luke and John The

Baptist. I've got a moses joke that will divide the room. I

of television, the entire screen for that matter. I saw a show called

Last of the Summer Wine, know if you've seen it. It's about

three creepy old guys who roam the countryside trying to be funny and

failing miserably. No, Top Gear. Good night!

Ladies and gentlemen, Stuart Francis! Actually, here's a joke for

you. Knock, knock. Who's there? Zebra. Zebra, tea cake, muffin

spanner, cheese flan, jelly fish, toenail, Jock strap, crumble. Yes,

you're not laughing now, but wait until you see the late night repeat

with that signer for the deaf, you'll wet yourself. This is the

point in the show where I would be normally introducing our next guest,

this week it was supposed to be Andy Murray, but he was too busy getting

ready for Wimbledon, booking the holiday for straight after the

quarter-finals. I'm joking, he's Britain's Andy Murray. Until

the quarter-finals, when he will be Scotland's Andy Murray. We have

idea to find a replacement, it's time for:

# You got the look. Yes, you've the look. We asked everyone in our

audience which famous person they think they look like, and the winner

will get to star in the trailer for next week's show. First up, Ryan

Johnson. Are you all right? Not bad. What do you do? I work in

retail. Frank and Fern, do we any ideas who that might be? It's

very difficult. * I haven't got it. Everyone else has, except me.

There are some diseases that you would be thankful for that sentence.

Does this person wear spectacles? Yes. If you look through the

spectacles, if this was a magic eye face, where you stare and they

disappear, I think there is a hint of David Walliams in there. I have

been mistaken for him once. Also bit of Brian Cox. But not the

person you mainly look like? Not yet, know. We need the glasses on.

Are you in ladies' fashion? Yes. You're not going to say he looks

like Gok Wan? like Gok Wan? He's just got glasses

on. You're the only person in the

who doesn't think he looks like him. Can we have a look? Yes, that's Gok

Wan. Have you got any tips on how I can look good naked? A body bag?

You cheeky little shit! I'm have to work on my chat show skills.

You cheeky little shit! And another one, Amy Perry. Do we know who she

thinks she looks like? The person you look like, is she an actress?

Yes. Is she an actress in a soap opera? Yes. Unless it's Ena

Sharples, I probably won't get it, that's the last time I watched

soap on A is she in east enders? It was a fair bet. Yes. Did she used

to play - exactly. (playing trumpet). Is it Louie Armstrong?

Shall I give you a clue? Natalie Cassidy. No, Janet Trump et. It is

Natalie Cassidy, who plays Sonia east enders. Do you try and mix with

other celebs? No, but I think my mum looks like Johnny Vegas. Oh my

God. Thank you! You are a charming daughter. Hello, Mrs Vegas.

Especially when she has got a cup of tea and a monkey. Can we have

look - APPLAUSE. I'm absolutely loving that. Another one? We've got

Kalin. It's not Gok Want's mum, it what do you do? I'm a personal

trainer. You're very energetic, can barely keep your glasses up.

I'm wondering whether she can give us a wink? Do you know, we're all

actually terrified. Are you getting that Frank? I got it from the clue.

I was quite a long way away. were you? Michael Foot, the former

leader of the Labour Party. Okay, Fern, who do we think it is? You

are the Weekest Link. Gob! * * * * * *

goodbi! Have you met anyone famous? I met George Michael in a sauna,

when he was in Wham with the lovely hair. He gave me his autograph. He

popped in his taxi and went off, and the lady who runs the sauna said:

he's left his underpants in the locker. Did you get them? Yes.

Have you got them now? Can I go and get them? Look at you! Only for

you, I know you're interested. Thank you. I bet she hasn't -

the autograph, everything's here. can do a great big auction at the

end. Have they been washed? No! You know what I'm looking for. You

you know what he's like with his driving, there's probably skid

marks. It's a comedy basic, can I put them on my head? They're tiny.

Bringing back memories, George? are tiny, aren't they. Your head

bigger than his bottom. I'm going to leave this in your hands, Frank and

Fern. Who are we giving the job of promoting next week's show to? I

quite like Johnny Vegas. That was a late entrant. You can have them

both, Vegas and Sonia. That sounds lovely. Let's hear it for Johnny

Vegas and her daughter, Sonia from Eastenders. We will be seeing them

later on in the show. Now, people think I'm just a glamorous

this show, I wrote that. I'm not, you know. I even do my own bookings.

Lee Mack's All Star Cast? Hello, Giggsy. You're not on this show, you

got it mixed up. You're on that other one, Mr And someone else's

missus. I have to go, a young at the door. By the way, have you

got any good chat-up lines? Have you been on Big Brother? Oh, have you

been on my Big Brother? I know it was your little brother, but it

doesn't work for the joke. It's TV's Tess Daly! Nice to see you, to see

you - Please don't. Thanks for coming round, it's always nice

meet the guests before they come on the show. I didn't really imagine

you living in a place like this. It's only temporary. I mean, you're

doing better than I expected. What can I get you to drink, tea, coffee

or something a little bit stronger? What have you got? Bovril. No

thanks. It's home made. All you need is a blender and a cow. Anyway,

give us your coat and grab a seat. So, I'm guessing you must be very

lonely at the moment, Peter being away on tour. Who's Peter? Your

husband, Peter Kay. I'm married to Vernon Kay. Oh, that makes my next

question a bit redundant. going to say, do you not think that

big cumbersome northern lad is punching above his weight? It still

makes sense. They told me you were a funny man did they? Yes. So

when's that going to kick in? I'll make us that drink. (cow moos) what

are we going to talk about when come on the show? We could talk

about Strictly. Bruce Forsyth or Len Goodman. If you had to, which one?

Is there something wrong with you? Come on, they're good looking lags.

I know - lads. I know Craig Revel who are would. Lovely lovely fella.

(knocks at the door) it's my beloved landlady, Miss Trent. It looks like

someone's led the air out of Eddie Izzard. Where's the rent, boy?

do you know about him? I see. I'll start paying the rent when you

out the heating. There's wrong with the heating. You reckon?

He's right about how cold it is, I'm jersey. Friesian. Looks like

I've got a couple of uninvited guests. You're telling me. Where

were we? (knock at door) pizza delivery for Mack? Perfect timing.

And the wine. Oh, thank you. * and the flowers. And the Barry White

CD. Oh, and the other thing you asked me for, Boots was shut, sorry.

Right then. Listen, Lee, thanks much for the chat, but I had better

get going. Hang on, I have got little surprise for you. It's not a

surprise, I've already heard it's little. Come on, it's very romantic.

Look Lee, can I be blunt? Don't worry, I've already got that

covered. APPLAUSE #His life is average, he's a bit of

a bore. Don't change the words!

# He came on Strictly and tried to have you on the floor. He tells his

corny jokes, he thinks you are amused. He thinks he's got

with you, he's deluded and confused. He's pitiful. He's pitiful. He's

pitiful, it's true. You're here because we can't afford Chris

Martin! # He's an utter disgrace, it's been

really nice to meet ya, so go back home now to Peter. It's Vernon!

APPLAUSE I can see why you became cockney rhyming slang.

And thanks to Lady Gaga for lending us that cow costume. It's not

our star guests and studio who get the chance to be in my

star cast tonight, it's also you, the viewers at home. Yes, it's time

for: # When, will I, will I be famous?

For 15 seconds. Yes, famous for 15 seconds where we

offer you, the viewers at home, the chance to join my cast by showcasing

your skills or attendance note, anything at all as long as it can be

done - skills or talent, it can be done from home in 15

seconds. And the act that will be crowned this week's famous for 15

seconds - yes. You're not getting the cushion. It's * it genuinely

cost more than the crown. The winner will return next week to face new

challengers. Let's meet our first hopeful, Anna. Where are you calling

from? From Erskine in Scotland. From where? Whydy shout like a

grandad? It's magic. How does she fit in the telly? What are you going

to do for us tonight? I'm going to sing you a little song. This is

your 15 seconds of fame. Okay. #oo a, just a little bit. Just

little bit more! You know what I'm looking for. Anna Devitt, ladies and

gentlemen. Marvellous. APPLAUSE. Very good navel there. Like a

gaping chasm. You could keep a hard boiled egg in there, on a long

journey. Have you got anything else in your repertoire? Anything

in your navel? Yes, I can sing you another song. Please do.

worries. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy

birthday dear Lee, happy birthday to you. APPLAUSE actually, it isn't my

birthday, but when she first did that with her T-shirt, I thought it

was. Next up, Matthew. Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. What are

you going to do for us tonight? going to show you a bit of white

magic. Okay, Matthew Baldwin, this is your 15 seconds of fame. I

be imagining this, but I think a man is just Downing milk. I

could be the build-up to something very spectacular. Did you just drink

milk? 2 pints of milk in one go. In 15 seconds? Sadly, there was a

technical hitch. Could you do it again? No, no, no! Don't do it

again, you'll die. You can't die drinking milk. You can't drink 4

pints of milk like that. Okay, I don't want you dying. Do you want

do it again, or would you rather not? I'll flip it to see whether

do it again. Oh, it's a coin, I see. Is this how you make all your

decisions? Do you want milk in your tea? Hang on. And sugar? I'll tell

you what, it was so entertaining, just give us the highlights,

sip. Brilliant. I think you'll agree, ladies and gentlemen, that is

some talent. I would never have forgiven myself. I honestly think

there's a genuine chance that could have killed him. Okay, hello Jodie

Cotton. Are you there? Hello. are you doing? I'm good, thank you,

yourself. Is that a normal door, or do you live in a stable? I'm not

telling you. What are you going to do? A bit of singing. Fantastic.

Take it away Jodie, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

# The taste of her cherry chap stick. I kissed a girl and I liked

it - oh sorry, I messed it up! Don't worry, we weren't enjoying it. I'm

joking, that was wonderful. Have you got any other songs in your

repertoire? #30 years of hurt, never stopped me

dreaming. I'm finding your voice fine, but the song's a bit

irritating. What's your navel like? I feel you're missing an opportunity

here. Can I just explain, we

something earlier, that you won't understand. Frank's not trying to

come on to you. What kind of a chat-up line is: what's your navel

like? I'm interested to know what is behind that door. It's the

chipmunks that she was miming. There's a big dog. Bring the dog

in. Do you want to see him? he is. I tell you what, he's lazy.

Did he used to be owned by Alice Cooper? Let the dog go back to

watching 3D TV. Round of applause for Jodie. So Frank and Fern, their

fates rest in your hands. Who want to crown as this week's famous

for 15 seconds winner? I have a winner mind does it involve the

navel? Yes, I agree. The singing belly button, Anna Devitt, well

done. How do you feel about winning? Brilliant! Tell me, can you join us

next week? Yes, we'll be there. That's good. She has got some guts.

Ladies and gentlemen, - come on, it was a joke! Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it for Anna Devitt. We'll see you next week. If you want to be

part of my cast next week, then go online. Thanks to all from tonight,

Fern Britton, Frank Skinner, Stuart Francis, Tess Daly and of course our

studio audience. Right now, to play us out, performing I'll Be Your Man,

please welcome the fantastic James Blunt!

#So many voices, too many noises, invisible wires keeping us apart.

# So many choices, but they're all disappointments, and they only steal

me away from you. # But I'm into our private bubble,

let's get into all kinds of trouble # slide over here, let your

feel the way. There's no better method to communicate.

# Girl, stop your talking, words just get in the way, I'll be your

man. #so baby, come over, from the

the sofa. I'll be your man. #I'll be your man.

#so many faces, staring at their shoelaces, when all anyone wants

to be seen. So tonight, let's be honest, we all want to be wanted.

And darling, you've got me wanting you.

#Everything that I'm trying to say, just sounds like a worn out cliche.

# Slide over here, let your hands feel the way. There's no better

method to communicate. # Girl, stop your talking, words

just get in the way. I'll be your man.

#so baby, come over from the end of the sofa. I'll Be Your Man.

#I'll be your man. #what are you looking for, someone

you just can't ignore, it's love coming from my heart, you've

got me tripping. What we're all looking

feel the way. There's no better method to communicate.

#Girl, stop your talking, words just get in the way. I'll be your man.

#so baby, come over from the the sofa. I'll be your man.

#I'll be your man. #I'll be your man.

I'm Sonia from East it has enders, I'm Sonia from East it has enders,