Episode 2 Lee Mack's All Star Cast


Episode 2

Entertainment show with Lee Mack who is joined by Henry Winkler, aka the Fonz, Shane Richie, Milton Jones and Ulrika Jonsson. Plus music from The Feeling with Sophie Ellis Bextor.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 2. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Welcome to the show that gives people like me, Richard from Barnet,

0:00:020:00:05

a chance to appear on something other than Crimewatch.

0:00:050:00:07

Don't look at me, you said it.

0:00:090:00:10

I wrote it. Roll titles.

0:00:100:00:13

CHEERING

0:00:340:00:38

Hello!

0:00:390:00:41

Good evening.

0:00:480:00:50

A big round of applause for my house choir, The Gospel Honest Truth.

0:00:500:00:54

CHEERING

0:00:540:00:55

Don't worry about them getting hot under the studio lights -

0:00:550:00:59

they're naked under those robes.

0:00:590:01:02

Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast.

0:01:020:01:04

The show that not only has amazing celebrity guests,

0:01:040:01:06

but also gives you, the audience, a chance to star.

0:01:060:01:09

AUDIENCE: Wooo!

0:01:090:01:11

Tonight, we're over the moon, it's Henry Winkler!

0:01:110:01:14

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:01:140:01:18

He's Alfie Moon, it's Shane Richie.

0:01:180:01:21

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:01:210:01:22

We've got stand-up from the brilliant Milton Jones.

0:01:250:01:27

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:01:270:01:29

And an exclusive performance from The Feeling,

0:01:320:01:34

featuring Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

0:01:340:01:36

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:01:360:01:38

Sadly there were some people we weren't able to cast for the show this week.

0:01:410:01:45

We couldn't get US Open winner Rory McIlroy.

0:01:450:01:47

Rory was supposed to be here tonight,

0:01:470:01:49

but he was trying to beat Tiger Woods' other record.

0:01:490:01:51

He's got nine holes left.

0:01:510:01:53

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

0:01:530:01:55

Oh, buckle in, it gets worse than that!

0:01:550:01:57

He dedicated his win to his father by saying happy Fathers' Day.

0:01:570:02:01

Cheers, Rory. Thanks for making the presents we all gave look rubbish.

0:02:010:02:05

My dad was very disappointed with his pair of socks and 2004 Top Gear annual.

0:02:050:02:09

Cheryl Cole hasn't been able to join the cast this week.

0:02:100:02:13

If rumours are to be believed,

0:02:130:02:15

she's too busy getting back together with Ashley.

0:02:150:02:17

Many papers reported that they spent the night together,

0:02:170:02:20

-or as I like to call it, the X-

-BLEEP

--tor.

0:02:200:02:23

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

0:02:230:02:25

Apparently Cheryl thinks that Ashley is the only one that really understands her.

0:02:290:02:33

A sentiment shared by over 310 million Americans.

0:02:330:02:36

She would have been back home a lot earlier from America,

0:02:360:02:40

but the check-in girl at LA International thought,

0:02:400:02:42

"Ganning hooom," was in South East Asia.

0:02:420:02:45

Cheryl was worried about whether she'd be able to trust Ashley

0:02:450:02:49

but luckily his mates John Terry and Ryan Giggs have vouched for him.

0:02:490:02:54

APPLAUSE

0:02:540:02:56

We also couldn't cast anyone from the Leicestershire police force.

0:02:560:03:00

They've been too busy cleaning up after a lorry crashed,

0:03:000:03:02

shedding its load of After Eight mints.

0:03:020:03:05

It's a true story, here's the picture.

0:03:050:03:07

A spokesman for the Two Ronnies said,

0:03:090:03:11

"Why couldn't this have happened 35 years ago?"

0:03:110:03:13

But it has happened, so strap in, I've got 20 minutes on this!

0:03:130:03:16

Apparently the driver ran away from the scene

0:03:170:03:20

but the police mixed up the description of the driver with the description of the evidence.

0:03:200:03:25

So they're now looking for a man who's dark, wafer thin and has a small black jacket.

0:03:250:03:30

Quite sweet that, isn't it?

0:03:300:03:31

The crash happened at 7.45pm but police told locals

0:03:340:03:37

they weren't allowed to touch the evidence for at least 15 minutes.

0:03:370:03:40

Police described road conditions as delicious and said the driver was

0:03:400:03:44

inexperienced because he was more used to handling a Double Decker.

0:03:440:03:47

But luckily we have been able to cast you, the studio audience.

0:03:510:03:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:03:550:03:58

And tonight, I'm looking for one of you to have a starring role in my sketch later in the show.

0:03:580:04:03

I'm after a face that stands out from the crowd and the emotion

0:04:030:04:06

I'm looking for you to portray this week is that of evil.

0:04:060:04:09

Think of your motivation because I'll be asking you

0:04:090:04:11

what's the most evil thing you've ever done.

0:04:110:04:14

In my case, I strapped a rabbit to a chair and forced it to watch Watership Down.

0:04:140:04:18

So... I'm joking.

0:04:200:04:22

It was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

0:04:220:04:25

So, everyone, prepare to reveal your best evil face.

0:04:250:04:28

Three...

0:04:280:04:30

Two...

0:04:300:04:31

One...

0:04:310:04:32

Evil!

0:04:320:04:34

The best argument yet for scrapping high-definition telly.

0:04:370:04:41

Some great evil faces there. OK, let's have a look at some of you.

0:04:450:04:49

That looks like evil constipation.

0:04:520:04:54

-What's your name?

-Brian May.

0:04:550:04:57

-Brian May?

-Yeah.

0:04:570:05:00

What's your evil story Brian May?

0:05:000:05:02

-What is was, we'd just given birth to our second child.

-Have we?

0:05:020:05:09

And my wife was in the kitchen making up the bottles

0:05:090:05:13

and I was in the living room cradling the baby

0:05:130:05:17

and I saw a doll on the sofa.

0:05:170:05:20

So I put the baby down and picked up the doll,

0:05:200:05:23

walked into the kitchen, pretended to trip over...

0:05:230:05:26

LAUGHTER

0:05:260:05:28

The doll fell on the floor and then all hell broke loose.

0:05:280:05:31

That's evil!

0:05:340:05:36

APPLAUSE

0:05:360:05:37

Just out of interest, seeing as you're called Brian May,

0:05:380:05:41

were you not tempted to sing Another One Bites The Dust as you did it?

0:05:410:05:45

Let's have a look at another face.

0:05:450:05:47

There he is, Internet dating's biggest ever challenge.

0:05:490:05:51

-What's your name?

-Carl.

-And what was your motivation?

0:05:530:05:56

Last year at college, me and a few mates took a chlamydia test.

0:05:560:05:59

And one of my mates left his mobile phone,

0:05:590:06:03

so I saved my number in his phone as NHS.

0:06:030:06:05

When we all got our results, I texted him saying,

0:06:050:06:07

"After further analysis of your sample,

0:06:070:06:09

"I'm sorry to tell you you've got chlamydia."

0:06:090:06:12

And he told his mum and booked an appointment at the clinic.

0:06:120:06:15

APPLAUSE

0:06:160:06:20

I love that you're clapping that, "That's great, a brilliant idea."

0:06:200:06:24

I like that your student days are daytrips to the chlamydia centre.

0:06:240:06:27

We just did Alton Towers.

0:06:270:06:30

Admittedly when we got back we had a test for chlamydia!

0:06:300:06:33

Let's have a look at another evil face.

0:06:330:06:35

LAUGHTER

0:06:350:06:37

I said evil, not Elvis.

0:06:370:06:39

-Hello, what's your name?

-Amanda.

-What was your motivation?

0:06:390:06:45

I used to work for a nasty guy who didn't like fingers where he was going to drink his coffee from.

0:06:450:06:52

One day I made him a coffee and he shouted at me to take it away and remake it.

0:06:520:06:58

I took it back to the kitchen and rather than make him a fresh one, I licked the rim of the coffee cup

0:06:580:07:04

and gave it back to him. APPLAUSE

0:07:040:07:07

I don't think I've ever heard a story so disgusting and yet where everyone else is on your side.

0:07:070:07:13

-Don't worry, in my house that counts as washing-up.

-LAUGHTER

0:07:130:07:18

Now, got to make our decision. It's Amanda. Let's hear it for Amanda!

0:07:180:07:23

APPLAUSE

0:07:230:07:25

We'll see more of Amanda later. Shall we meet the guests?

0:07:250:07:30

# Baby, I like it The way you move on the floor

0:07:300:07:34

# Baby, I like it, come on and give me some more, baby, I like it. #

0:07:340:07:39

They wouldn't like it if they really knew what I did on the floor.

0:07:400:07:43

LAUGHTER

0:07:430:07:45

For tonight's star guests, words are not necessary.

0:07:450:07:49

For the first, I just have to do this.

0:07:490:07:51

For the second, I just have to do this.

0:07:530:07:56

LAUGHTER

0:07:570:07:59

It's Henry Winkler and Shane Richie!

0:07:590:08:01

APPLAUSE

0:08:010:08:05

THEY SING "Bad Boys" by Alexandra Burke

0:08:050:08:08

APPLAUSE

0:08:260:08:29

So, did you see our evil faces back there?

0:08:340:08:36

-Scary.

-I did.

-You both look too innocent for evil.

0:08:360:08:40

-No, there's something I did on Monday which was really bad.

-How bad is this going to be?

0:08:400:08:47

This is what happened. I play a character called Alfie,

0:08:470:08:50

and I'm sitting in this municipal Jacuzzi,

0:08:500:08:53

and this bloke goes, "Oi, Alfie! Alfie!" One of them.

0:08:530:08:59

He gets in, invades my space, sat next to me, got his arm round me,

0:08:590:09:04

he's going, "My missus loves you, but I think you're a bit of a knob."

0:09:040:09:08

He's going, "See my missus, she loves Coronation Street."

0:09:080:09:12

At that point, I just started having a pee.

0:09:120:09:15

LAUGHTER

0:09:150:09:17

I'm in a Jacuzzi, and he's giving it all that. "It's not proper, is it?"

0:09:170:09:23

At that point he went like that, "It's good in here, innit?"

0:09:230:09:27

I felt so good getting out of that Jacuzzi.

0:09:270:09:31

I'm reluctant to tell my anecdote, cos my anecdote was about going to this Jacuzzi on Monday,

0:09:310:09:37

-I was a bit drunk, and I met that Alfie Moon fella from EastEnders!

-LAUGHTER

0:09:370:09:43

We were talking about the vibe on the show, with you coming in...

0:09:430:09:47

Thank you.

0:09:470:09:50

People have been really excited about you coming in, and it's such an iconic character you play.

0:09:500:09:55

-You must have some crazy fans.

-First of all, I loved playing the Fonz.

0:09:550:10:00

I did. People want your autograph and figure, "I don't know if I'm getting the opportunity again."

0:10:000:10:05

I could be in a men's room, and they will open the stall.

0:10:050:10:11

-No, come on. Have they done that?

-Oh, absolutely.

0:10:110:10:15

Bit of advice - lock the door.

0:10:150:10:17

-LAUGHTER

-I did. They used the coat hanger.

0:10:170:10:21

-They are obsessive fans.

-Have you got strange fans?

-This is what I get.

0:10:210:10:25

I've been doing a tour recently, and I got sent something at least four times at different theatres.

0:10:250:10:31

I would say this is reasonably crazy.

0:10:310:10:33

I was sent a mask, right.

0:10:330:10:35

Now... Who of, you wonder?

0:10:350:10:38

Me.

0:10:380:10:39

-LAUGHTER

-Why would anybody send a mask of me to me?

0:10:390:10:44

How old is that mask?

0:10:440:10:45

Hold on! They've taken out a few lines on that, haven't they?

0:10:450:10:48

-Look at that!

-You cheeky git! What?!

0:10:480:10:52

Yes!

0:10:520:10:53

-Have a bit of sympathy. This is when I didn't used to have any eyes.

-LAUGHTER

0:10:530:10:58

Have one each. Have one of them.

0:10:580:11:01

-I said...

-LAUGHTER

0:11:050:11:07

Can I just say, Henry, when I was a child, it was always a dream of mine to be the Fonz.

0:11:070:11:11

-How surreal is it that it's the other way round?

-LAUGHTER

0:11:110:11:15

Come on.

0:11:160:11:18

MIMICS LEE MACK: You all right, love, how'd you fancy, you all right?

0:11:180:11:21

If people are tuning in now, they must be going, "I'm having a breakdown."

0:11:210:11:25

You're probably better off taking it off at some point, Henry.

0:11:250:11:29

It's going to be weird if we do the whole night like this.

0:11:290:11:31

I have thoroughly enjoyed my new face.

0:11:310:11:34

-LAUGHTER

-It's a nice look. Don't worry, you can keep it.

-Thank you!

0:11:340:11:39

You don't want it. You not letting yours go?

0:11:390:11:42

No, I want to scare the shit out of me children when I see them later. LAUGHTER

0:11:420:11:47

-Henry, what are you doing in the UK?

-I've written 12 children's novels.

0:11:480:11:53

Yes, there it is.

0:11:530:11:55

And this is... The character is called Hank Zipzer.

0:11:550:11:58

The character is me.

0:11:580:12:00

-He is learning-challenged, like I am.

-You're learning-challenged?

0:12:000:12:05

I am. I was bad in English, math, spelling, history, science.

0:12:050:12:11

-I was great at lunch.

-LAUGHTER

0:12:110:12:14

-Isn't that just all Americans?

-I'm in the bottom three percent in the country academically in America.

0:12:140:12:21

-Is that true?

-It's true.

0:12:210:12:22

-Talking of books, Henry, I would like to give you a book.

-OK.

0:12:220:12:26

-You are a big fan of fly-fishing, aren't you?

-I am. I love to fly-fish.

0:12:260:12:30

As a matter of fact, I just wrote my first adult book,

0:12:300:12:34

which is called I Never Met An Idiot On The River.

0:12:340:12:37

Wait till I start fishing.

0:12:370:12:38

LAUGHTER

0:12:380:12:40

Shane, I'm guessing you know jack about fly-fishing.

0:12:400:12:43

You say that...and you're right. LAUGHTER

0:12:430:12:46

Anyone in the audience know anything about fly-fishing? No.

0:12:460:12:50

Henry's the only man who knows here. Here's the challenge. I can ask you a question about fly-fishing

0:12:500:12:55

-that everyone in the audience will know, and you will not know.

-OK.

0:12:550:12:59

-Want to take the challenge?

-Yes.

0:12:590:13:01

I have in my hand Britain's most famous book on fly-fishing.

0:13:010:13:07

LAUGHTER

0:13:070:13:10

The question, for the book, name the author.

0:13:100:13:16

-It really is the most famous book.

-Everyone knows it.

-You all know?

0:13:170:13:23

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

0:13:230:13:24

OK, can I just...

0:13:240:13:28

Could you just whisper who it is?

0:13:300:13:35

OK, ask me the question.

0:13:390:13:42

Who won the FA Cup in 1979?

0:13:420:13:45

I know the answer.

0:13:470:13:49

-What's the answer?

-JR Hartley.

0:13:490:13:54

It's your book! J R Hartley.

0:13:540:13:57

Now, I always want to know, who are you star-struck by?

0:13:570:14:03

-Rock stars.

-Rock stars?

0:14:030:14:06

I met Bruce Springsteen

0:14:060:14:07

who I'd like to come back in my next life as.

0:14:070:14:10

And I kissed his wife's hand and then I kissed his hand.

0:14:100:14:14

And then I thought to myself "What did you just do?"

0:14:150:14:20

Talking of star-struck, you must have been star-struck

0:14:200:14:23

when your uncle came into the Queen Vic?

0:14:230:14:26

-Oh, David Essex!

-He's turned up to play your uncle recently.

0:14:260:14:30

Yeah, he's only been on screen for a couple of weeks.

0:14:300:14:34

He's a great asset to the show.

0:14:340:14:36

He set a trend, apparently... an exclusive,

0:14:360:14:40

we have David Bowie starting in the chippy.

0:14:400:14:43

# Would you like a saveloy, Alfie? #

0:14:430:14:46

-I'm never star-struck.

-I am always star-struck. I am star-struck tonight. Yes.

0:14:510:14:55

When I looked at that.

0:14:550:14:58

Love you.

0:14:580:15:01

That's wrong, isn't it? It's wrong when I get my wife to wear it.

0:15:010:15:05

It's not just my questions,

0:15:070:15:08

we've asked everyone what questions they wanted to ask you.

0:15:080:15:12

Here's my favourite. Nick Woodward from Oxford. Where are you?

0:15:120:15:14

-I'm here.

-Hi, Nick.

-My idol...

-Who are you looking at?

0:15:140:15:20

What's your question?

0:15:200:15:22

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest,

0:15:220:15:25

how attractive do you think I am?

0:15:250:15:28

Do we all get a go?

0:15:280:15:31

Am I allowed to get a closer look?

0:15:310:15:36

Let me see you, sir.

0:15:360:15:38

How are you?

0:15:380:15:40

-You want to know how attractive you are to me? Yes?

-Go for it.

0:15:420:15:50

Two!

0:16:010:16:03

It's that point in the evening where I introduce my very special stand-up guest.

0:16:060:16:10

Taking time out from his massive UK tour,

0:16:100:16:12

please welcome the absolutely brilliant Milton Jones.

0:16:120:16:16

# Get up, stand up

0:16:160:16:18

# Stand up for your right. #

0:16:190:16:21

Good evening.

0:16:230:16:25

Recently I went Fell walking in the Lake District.

0:16:250:16:28

It's not quite true. I fell walking in the Lake District.

0:16:280:16:33

What else can I tell you? I own a small zoo. And a pirate ship.

0:16:330:16:39

Although not at the same time. I haven't got that much Lego.

0:16:390:16:42

We think of pirates as being all smiley.

0:16:440:16:47

It turns out they are all Somali.

0:16:470:16:50

Tricky, isn't it? You go to buy a toaster.

0:16:530:16:56

The shop assistant says, "What about insurance?"

0:16:560:17:00

And you don't want to, but you end up taking a hostage.

0:17:000:17:04

My grandfather goes on about how in the old days people left their back doors open.

0:17:060:17:12

It's probably why his submarine sank.

0:17:120:17:15

I remember years ago, supplying Filofaxes for the Mafia.

0:17:210:17:26

I was involved in VERY organised crime.

0:17:260:17:29

I was in France recently, I went up to this little old lady knitting in the town square,

0:17:310:17:36

I said, "Voulez-vous crochet avec moi?"

0:17:360:17:39

She took it all the wrong way.

0:17:420:17:44

I taught English in Germany.

0:17:440:17:47

I taught them everything beginning with A, beginning with B...

0:17:470:17:50

D-Day was a bit tricky.

0:17:500:17:52

Recently, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet and he sent me

0:17:560:17:59

a large goat with a long neck.

0:17:590:18:02

It turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama!

0:18:020:18:05

They said about me I was too immature to be a father.

0:18:120:18:16

When I saw the first few seconds of my son's life,

0:18:160:18:19

I thought to myself, "Mha-ha-ha! He's naked!"

0:18:190:18:23

That's all from me, good night.

0:18:240:18:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:280:18:31

Ladies and gentlemen, Milton Jones!

0:18:320:18:37

Talking of children, I took mine to Disney World. They hated it.

0:18:370:18:41

They cried, said it was the worst holiday they'd ever had.

0:18:410:18:45

Sorry, not Disney World. The other one.

0:18:450:18:47

Carpet World.

0:18:470:18:50

I'm taking them to Land of Leather next year.

0:18:500:18:53

About now I'd normally introduce our guest to the all-star cast.

0:18:530:18:56

This week it was supposed to be Hugh Hefner. But he couldn't make it -

0:18:560:18:59

apparently he's gone deaf from taking too much Viagra.

0:18:590:19:02

I don't know if you heard about this. He didn't.

0:19:020:19:05

Apparently, taking Viagra makes you twice as likely to go deaf.

0:19:070:19:11

But bad news for me. I've taken so much I'm going blind as well!

0:19:110:19:14

Don't worry, once again it is time for...

0:19:160:19:20

# You've got the look,

0:19:200:19:21

# You've got the look... #

0:19:210:19:23

Works every time. Yes...

0:19:270:19:30

Yes, you've got the look.

0:19:300:19:33

We asked everyone in our audience before tonight's show

0:19:330:19:35

which famous person, dead or alive, they think they look like.

0:19:350:19:38

And the winner, as judged by Henry and Shane, will star in the trailer for next week's show.

0:19:380:19:43

-First up, we have got Tobias John.

-Hi, Lee.

0:19:430:19:47

-What you do for a living?

-Bar manager.

0:19:470:19:49

-IMITATES ACCENT:

-Bar manager?

-Yer.

-OK.

0:19:490:19:53

Tell me this, right, who do you reckon he looks like?

0:19:530:19:57

-Is it a famous policeman on TV?

-Who?

-Kojak.

0:19:570:20:02

I think an American actor.

0:20:020:20:05

Can you give us a clue?

0:20:050:20:07

-He's got hair, but I reckon they're wigs.

-Yes, I know.

0:20:070:20:11

-I know exactly who it is.

-I thought it could have been Vin Diesel.

0:20:110:20:14

No, I'm just saying. Don't shout at me!

0:20:140:20:17

-It's the other one, Nic Cage.

-Nic Cage.

-Am I right?

0:20:170:20:21

Let's find out.

0:20:210:20:22

Tobias John, who do you think you look like?

0:20:220:20:24

People say I look like Nicolas Cage, yeah.

0:20:240:20:27

Let's take a look.

0:20:290:20:33

Absolutely.

0:20:330:20:34

Do you use your celebrity looks to mix with Hollywood A-listers?

0:20:340:20:39

Not really, I've met a few famous people.

0:20:390:20:41

Who have you met?

0:20:410:20:42

-I once slapped Prince Harry in the face.

-Did what?!

0:20:420:20:46

-I once slapped Prince Harry in the face.

-Why?

0:20:460:20:50

I was running a bar and it came to cashing up at the end of the night,

0:20:500:20:56

he was there and playing with the till - thought he was funny.

0:20:560:20:59

He said, "That was naughty of me." I said "It's all right."

0:20:590:21:02

He said, "Slap me the face." I said, "No, I'm not doing that!"

0:21:020:21:05

He said, "Do it."

0:21:050:21:07

I thought when do you get to slap royalty in the face?

0:21:070:21:11

That is marvellous!

0:21:120:21:16

Tobias John, Nicolas Cage.

0:21:160:21:21

-Josephine Collins in the room?

-Hello!

0:21:210:21:25

-Do we know who Josephine Collins thinks she looks like?

-Um...

0:21:250:21:29

-Olivia Newton-John.

-Do you want a clue?

-Give us a clue.

0:21:290:21:33

Oh, yes. Jim Carrey!

0:21:350:21:41

-Cameron Diaz.

-So, who do you think you look like?

0:21:430:21:46

I've been told I look like Cameron Diaz.

0:21:460:21:50

Let's have a look.

0:21:500:21:52

You're a happy Diaz. Happy Diaz!

0:21:530:21:58

That's what Geordies called your show in the '70s!

0:21:580:22:02

-Have you ever met anyone famous?

-I used to be cabin crew.

0:22:040:22:07

There was one very famous supermodel,

0:22:070:22:09

she was very demanding, forgot all her pleases and thank-yous.

0:22:090:22:13

When it came to one of the girls giving her a drink,

0:22:130:22:17

we brought it into the galley before we gave it to her.

0:22:170:22:20

One of the guy crew members stirred at it with his member.

0:22:200:22:25

Wow, am I going to remember my thank-yous and pleases!

0:22:270:22:33

I think you'll agree, a great cocktail!

0:22:370:22:41

-Richard Skinner, where are you?

-Hello.

-What do you do?

0:22:430:22:47

I work in a call centre.

0:22:470:22:49

I'm trying to think of a witty response but I have to put you on hold.

0:22:490:22:54

-Who does Richard think he looks like?

-Meat loaf.

-Definitely not.

0:22:540:22:57

-Is it an actor?

-Yeah.

-American?

-Yeah.

0:22:570:23:00

Oh, the guy from Lost?

0:23:000:23:05

To be fair, he meant the guy LOOKS lost.

0:23:090:23:13

Also, he's got a little touch of Bill Bailey about him.

0:23:130:23:19

-I think I know.

-Who?

-Jack Black.

0:23:190:23:21

-Let's have a look.

-He does, doesn't he?

0:23:240:23:28

OK, Henry and Shane, I leave this in your capable hands.

0:23:280:23:31

Who'll do the trailer for next week?

0:23:310:23:33

Who do you reckon? You're a guest in our country.

0:23:330:23:37

My feeling...

0:23:370:23:39

A great pizzazz for the trailer, I would cast

0:23:390:23:43

Nicolas Cage.

0:23:430:23:45

Well done, Tobias John.

0:23:450:23:49

You'll see him later on. I'm the host of the show

0:23:490:23:51

but behind every great man is a greater man.

0:23:510:23:54

The guy who does the bookings. That's me, too.

0:23:540:23:58

PHONE RINGS

0:24:040:24:08

Lee Mack's All Star Cast. Ah, Seb Coe!

0:24:080:24:12

You want to be on the show?

0:24:120:24:14

I got your application and I've taken money out of your account.

0:24:140:24:18

But it will be a couple of months to decide.

0:24:180:24:21

Don't be too disappointed if you end up with tickets for Jeremy Kyle.

0:24:210:24:25

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:24:250:24:27

It's TV's Ulrika Jonsson!

0:24:290:24:32

-Stick the kettle on.

-I thought we could have something stronger.

0:24:340:24:38

Big Brother housemate. This is de vino.

0:24:380:24:41

When I come on the show, would you not talk about Big Brother

0:24:440:24:47

cos that's all everyone talks about.

0:24:470:24:49

We can get rid of any questions you like. "Which ones go, you decide."

0:24:490:24:55

Helg Ulrika...

0:24:550:24:56

HE SPEAKS GOBBLEDEGOOK

0:24:560:25:04

Was that meant to be Swedish?

0:25:040:25:07

Yeah.

0:25:070:25:08

Well, the answer's no!

0:25:080:25:10

You just asked me if I wanted to buy a 10ft polar bear wearing a tutu and sombrero.

0:25:100:25:16

Take a seat.

0:25:160:25:19

I'm never going to get rid of you.

0:25:240:25:27

So, thanks for coming round.

0:25:270:25:30

It's always nice to meet the guest before the show.

0:25:300:25:33

Get to know them a bit, relax them and make them feel welcome. Bloody hell, how many husbands?!

0:25:330:25:39

No wonder you one big brother. Did your ex's vote to keep you in?

0:25:390:25:43

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:25:430:25:47

It's my beloved landlady, Miss Trent.

0:25:470:25:51

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

0:25:510:25:53

-You look different. Have you done something with your...face?

-Oi!

0:25:580:26:02

When are you going to pay me my rent, eh?

0:26:020:26:04

I'll pay the rent when you fix up this flat!

0:26:040:26:06

I will send round Henry.

0:26:060:26:09

It's going to take more than a Hoover.

0:26:090:26:12

Ah! I see what you're doing, innit? Come here with all your product placement,

0:26:120:26:17

trying to get yourself one of these vacuum cleaners, Northern boy!

0:26:170:26:20

Is that what you're doing?

0:26:200:26:22

I wouldn't do that on the BBC!

0:26:220:26:24

I'd be DYSON with death.

0:26:240:26:26

I'm talking about Henry the caretaker.

0:26:260:26:29

I'll tell you this now, right? You pay up

0:26:290:26:32

or else!

0:26:320:26:34

MUSIC: EastEnders "Doof-doofs"

0:26:340:26:36

I'll pay you the rent when you get rid of that drummer next door.

0:26:360:26:39

I'll give you one week to pay up,

0:26:390:26:42

otherwise you'll be out on the streets, where it's a cold and nasty evil place.

0:26:420:26:47

Tell me about it.

0:26:470:26:48

DRAMATIC HORROR MUSIC

0:26:500:26:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:530:26:56

Can you believe EastEnders won a BAFTA?

0:27:020:27:05

Now...

0:27:060:27:08

What have we got here?

0:27:080:27:09

Ooh! Let's talk about Gladiators!

0:27:090:27:11

-Come on, what was he like?

-Who?

0:27:110:27:13

Russell Crowe.

0:27:130:27:16

OK, that was the film, I was in the TV show.

0:27:160:27:18

Oh! Oh, I remember now. Didn't you go out with, er, what's-his-name?

0:27:180:27:22

Oh, the one with the pointy teeth, the funny hair, the beady eyes.

0:27:220:27:26

What, Wolf?

0:27:260:27:28

No, Sven-Goran Eriksson.

0:27:280:27:29

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:27:290:27:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:350:27:37

I'm Henry the caretaker.

0:27:400:27:41

I'm Lee the piss-taker. Is there any reason you look like a reject from the Village People?

0:27:410:27:46

Me, I'm just going to nip to the toilet.

0:27:460:27:49

-MIMICS BIG BROTHER NARRATOR:

-10.15pm and Ulrika is going for a wee-wee.

0:27:490:27:53

Talking of which, when are you going to fix that toilet?

0:27:550:27:58

I'll check my diary, see when I can do it.

0:27:580:28:01

Sunday, Monday... Happy days!

0:28:010:28:03

Tuesday, Wednesday...

0:28:030:28:06

Happy days!

0:28:060:28:07

Thursday... Oh, Friday I'm fixing a boiler in Luton.

0:28:070:28:12

APPLAUSE

0:28:140:28:16

Hello, Ulrika. This is Big Brother. How are you finding the toilet task?

0:28:180:28:22

Are you filming this?

0:28:220:28:24

Yes, let's have a look at your best bits.

0:28:240:28:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:310:28:35

Big Brother house, the votes have been counted. Ulrika,

0:28:350:28:39

Nicolas Cage,

0:28:390:28:41

Cameron Diaz,

0:28:410:28:42

the celebrity housemate the public have decided to evict is...

0:28:420:28:46

..Nicolas Cage

0:28:480:28:49

for slapping the third in line to the throne.

0:28:490:28:53

Now listen, you.

0:28:550:28:57

Ulrika, you are live on BBC. Please do not swear.

0:28:570:29:00

-Now let's just get something straight, you little

-BLEEP.

0:29:000:29:06

-I don't want to keep banging on about Big

-BLEEP

-Brother, all right?

0:29:060:29:11

-If you think I'm going to come on your

-BLEEP

-little show

0:29:110:29:14

-to talk about Big

-BLEEP

-Brother,

0:29:140:29:16

-then you're a complete

-BLEEP!

0:29:160:29:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:180:29:21

Don't suppose either of you know an Ulrika Jonsson lookalike, do you?

0:29:250:29:29

That is one fierce arctic beast!

0:29:380:29:40

Not Ulrika, the polar bear.

0:29:400:29:42

It's not just our star guests and studio audience who can be in my All Star Cast,

0:29:430:29:48

it's also you, the viewers at home.

0:29:480:29:49

Yes, it's time for...

0:29:490:29:51

# When will I, will I be famous

0:29:510:29:56

# For 15 seconds? #

0:29:560:30:01

Blimey! He's a funny-looking fellow!

0:30:030:30:06

Yes, Famous For 15 Seconds, where we offer you, the viewers at home, the chance to star.

0:30:060:30:11

You might think the recent glut of talent shows means there's no-one left with any real talent

0:30:110:30:16

and you'd be right, but let's press on anyway.

0:30:160:30:18

First up, our reigning champion from last week, Anna Devitt! Hello, Anna!

0:30:180:30:22

Hello!

0:30:220:30:23

-How are you?

-I'm good. How are you, Mr Lee?

0:30:250:30:28

I'm very well. You're mixing me up with your local Chinese restaurant.

0:30:280:30:32

How has your week been since winning? I'm guessing your life has changed.

0:30:340:30:38

It's been so, so good

0:30:380:30:40

and lots of people are asking Truffel out on dates.

0:30:400:30:43

You've been asked out?

0:30:430:30:44

Yeah!

0:30:440:30:45

Did you kill him and splatter the blood on your wall,

0:30:450:30:48

cos that's what it looks like?

0:30:480:30:49

Anna, it's time for your Famous For 15 Seconds.

0:30:510:30:54

OK!

0:30:540:30:55

-LAUGHTER

-Oh...

0:30:560:30:58

# You're the one that I want

0:30:580:31:00

# You-ou-ou, honey

0:31:000:31:01

# The one that I want You are the one I want

0:31:010:31:04

# You-ou-ou The one I need

0:31:040:31:07

# Oh, yes, indeed

0:31:070:31:09

# You're the one that I want! #

0:31:090:31:11

Mwah!

0:31:110:31:12

Oh, and a kiss.

0:31:120:31:14

KLAXON BLARES

0:31:140:31:15

And a kiss.

0:31:150:31:16

LAUGHTER Oh!

0:31:180:31:20

-It's Santa Claus!

-Ho-ho-ho!

0:31:200:31:24

Is that a relative?

0:31:240:31:27

Who is that gentleman?

0:31:270:31:28

No, it's just a friend of mine, this is Mr Graham.

0:31:280:31:32

Captain who?

0:31:320:31:34

Ladies and gentlemen, Anna Devitt and Graham. Fantastic!

0:31:340:31:37

Let's see the next contender.

0:31:400:31:41

I believe your name is Craig Drew, is that correct?

0:31:410:31:44

Sdrawkcab klat nac I dna retsecuolg morf giarc mi olleh.

0:31:440:31:50

I think you need to have a word with your Internet provider.

0:31:520:31:55

What... What was that?

0:31:570:31:58

It was, "Hello, I'm Craig from Gloucester

0:31:580:32:01

"and I can talk backwards."

0:32:010:32:02

Oh, you said it backwards?

0:32:020:32:04

-Ooh!

-We say, "Ooh!"

0:32:040:32:06

We don't know if it was good - we don't know what he said!

0:32:060:32:09

Can you tell us what you're doing, Craig?

0:32:090:32:11

I'll sing a few lines of Summer Holiday backwards.

0:32:110:32:13

OK, Craig Drew, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

0:32:130:32:17

HE SINGS BACKWARDS

0:32:170:32:20

KLAXON BLARES I prefer that version!

0:32:330:32:35

Do you know what?

0:32:370:32:38

I can't believe we've been lucky enough to book you

0:32:410:32:43

cos I would have thought you'd have been playing Wembley Arena.

0:32:430:32:47

Can we test that upstairs?

0:32:470:32:48

Can we play it the other way round to see if that actually worked?

0:32:480:32:51

-SLIGHTLY DISTORTED:

-# We're all going on a summer holiday

0:32:510:32:56

# No more working for a week or two

0:32:560:32:58

# Fun and laughter on our summer holiday

0:32:580:33:03

# No more worries for me or you. #

0:33:030:33:08

That sounded like Cheryl Cole on the American X Factor.

0:33:080:33:11

Are you impressed with that, Shane?

0:33:110:33:14

HE SEEMS TO SPEAK BACKWARDS

0:33:140:33:16

-Don't know.

-That is a marvellous skill.

-Live show - got to keep it...live.

0:33:160:33:21

That is a really difficult thing to do.

0:33:230:33:25

I mean, that is impressive.

0:33:250:33:27

Listen, the Fonz thinks you're impressive.

0:33:270:33:29

How does that make you feel, Craig?

0:33:290:33:31

Yeah, it's good.

0:33:310:33:33

That excited, eh?

0:33:330:33:34

-How long has it taken you to master that?

-I've been doing it since I was small. Just...

0:33:350:33:39

Can I give you some words and see if you can say them backwards?

0:33:390:33:42

-Yeah.

-OK, what is Craig...

-Giarc.

0:33:420:33:46

-..has.

-Sah.

0:33:460:33:48

..wasted his life.

0:33:480:33:50

LAUGHTER

0:33:500:33:52

Thanks, Craig. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Craig Drew.

0:33:540:33:58

Susan Sale. Are you there, Susan?

0:33:580:34:01

Hello.

0:34:010:34:02

-Hello, Susan.

-How you doing?

0:34:020:34:04

What are you going to do for us tonight?

0:34:040:34:06

I'm going to sing for you.

0:34:060:34:07

OK, fantastic. Susan Sale, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

0:34:070:34:12

-RAPS:

-# Double, double Toil and trouble

0:34:120:34:14

# Fire burn and cauldron bubble

0:34:140:34:16

# Shift it with the rap attack then you know that

0:34:160:34:18

# 50 Cent, Dr Dre, Eminem, yo

0:34:180:34:20

# Fill it all with bendy snakes

0:34:200:34:21

# In the cauldron, boil and bake

0:34:210:34:23

# Eye of newt and tongue of frog

0:34:230:34:25

# Shakespeare was a rapper as well, Snoop Dogg. #

0:34:250:34:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:280:34:30

You know your act's in trouble when you're being outshone

0:34:320:34:35

by an inflatable bear and a mutt with glasses.

0:34:350:34:38

So, Henry and Shane, who do you want to crown

0:34:380:34:40

-as this week's Famous For 15 Seconds winner?

-Shane?

0:34:400:34:43

-Er, I still think the belly.

-I'm with you.

0:34:430:34:47

-I like her whole personality.

-I think she's worked at it.

-I liked the gestalt.

0:34:470:34:51

She's thought about it and I think there's a future.

0:34:510:34:53

Ladies and gentlemen, she's done it again. It's Anna Devitt - the singing bellybutton.

0:34:550:35:00

APPLAUSE

0:35:000:35:02

Thanks, Anna. You can see Anna next week.

0:35:020:35:04

Let's hear it for all our Famous For 15 Seconds contestants tonight.

0:35:040:35:07

APPLAUSE

0:35:070:35:10

And if you want to be part of the All Start Cast next week go to...

0:35:120:35:18

That's all we've got time for tonight

0:35:180:35:20

so a big thanks to all the members of my cast - Henry Winkler...

0:35:200:35:23

Shane Richie...

0:35:230:35:25

Ulrika Jonsson...

0:35:250:35:26

Milton Jones...

0:35:260:35:28

and, of course, Amanda and our wonderful studio audience.

0:35:280:35:31

Now, with an exclusive performance of Leave Me Out Of It,

0:35:330:35:36

The Feeling and Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

0:35:360:35:38

# Leave me out of it

0:35:400:35:43

# You're alone and that's your thing

0:35:450:35:48

# Maybe that's your thing

0:35:490:35:52

# I don't hear your voice

0:35:540:35:57

# You're alone and that's your choice

0:35:570:36:01

# Baby, that's your choice

0:36:010:36:04

# If I put my name upon it

0:36:060:36:09

# Maybe no-one else will want it

0:36:090:36:12

# Maybe I can keep it to myself

0:36:120:36:17

-# She said

-You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:36:170:36:21

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:36:210:36:24

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:36:240:36:27

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:36:300:36:33

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:36:330:36:36

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:36:360:36:38

# Coming through your door

0:36:380:36:39

# Soon I'll have you calling out for more

0:36:390:36:41

# Leave me out of it

0:36:410:36:44

# Don't fool yourself cos now you're free

0:36:440:36:48

# You're free

0:36:500:36:51

# Leave me out of it

0:36:530:36:56

# There's a thousand things that you can be

0:36:560:37:00

# Without me

0:37:010:37:03

# If you put your name upon it

0:37:050:37:08

# Maybe no-one else will want it

0:37:080:37:12

-# Maybe you can keep it to yourself

-She said

0:37:120:37:17

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:37:170:37:20

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:37:200:37:24

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:37:240:37:27

# You don't know what love is but you need some

0:37:300:37:33

# A crack in your heart that can be undone

0:37:330:37:36

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:37:360:37:38

# Coming through your door, soon I'll have you calling our for more

0:37:380:37:42

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:37:420:37:45

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:37:450:37:48

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:37:480:37:51

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

0:37:520:37:54

# You don't know what love is but you need some

0:37:540:37:56

# A crack in your heart that can be undone

0:37:560:38:00

# You don't know what love is till you've had mine

0:38:000:38:02

# Coming through your door, soon I'll have you calling out for more

0:38:020:38:05

# Nah nah nah nah-nah-nah

0:38:050:38:08

# Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah-ah Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah-ah

0:38:080:38:14

# Coming through your door, soon I'll have you calling out for more

0:38:140:38:18

-# Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah-ah

-More

0:38:180:38:21

# Nah-nah nah-nah

0:38:210:38:22

-# More

-Nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah-ah

0:38:220:38:26

# Leave me out of it

0:38:300:38:32

# You're alone and that's your thing

0:38:320:38:36

# Maybe that's your thing. #

0:38:360:38:40

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:38:410:38:43

E-mail [email protected]

0:38:430:38:46

Watch Lee Mack's All Star Cast next week when you'll see Alice Cooper,

0:38:460:38:50

Sarah Millican, The Script and stars like me, Nicolas Cage.

0:38:500:38:53

I'll take money for any old rubbish and this show's no different.

0:38:530:38:56

Yes, it is. You're not getting paid.

0:38:560:38:58

Oh.

0:38:580:39:00

Lee is joined by Henry Winkler, aka the Fonz, Shane Richie, comedian Milton Jones and Ulrika Jonsson. There's also an exclusive performance from The Feeling featuring Sophie Ellis Bextor.