Episode 3 Lee Mack's All Star Cast


Episode 3

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Transcript


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Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, the show that makes stars out of people like me.

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Soon, everyone will know my name, and my name is...

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Time's up. Roll titles.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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# Party hard is in the house tonight

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# Everybody just have a good time

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# We're gonna make you lose your mind

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# We just wanna see you... Shake it. #

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CHEERING AND WOLF WHISTLES

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Shameless. Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for my choir, the Gospel Honest Truth!

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CHEERING

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The most popular stair-based entertainment act since Thora Hird.

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Hello, and welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, with celebrity guests

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and you, the audience, starring.

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CHEERING

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In my All Star Cast tonight, he's got poison running through his veins, it's Alice Cooper!

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CHEERING

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She's got Newcastle Brown Ale in her veins, it's Sarah Millican!

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CHEERING

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We've got stand-up from the wonderful Rita Rudner!

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CHEERING

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And we've got music from the Kaiser Chiefs.

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CHEERING

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Sadly, there were some people we weren't able to cast.

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We couldn't cast Andy Murray, cos he's sulking after being knocked out of Wimbledon.

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-ALL: Aww.

-It's happened again!

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The last time a British male got to the final of Wimbledon, George V was king,

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WWII was a year away, and Sue Barker had just started her third series of A Question Of Sport.

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Andy's mum hit the news this week for putting messages on Twitter

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about how attractive the other players are. Did you read this?

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It's the last thing you need - your mum getting all sexy when you're trying to reach a semi.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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We also couldn't cast Wayne Rooney this week - he's recovering from Glastonbury.

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Apparently he loved his new experience so much,

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he's thinking of giving Reading a go.

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Sorry, not Reading, reading.

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We haven't been able to cast Ryan Giggs again. Three weeks in a row.

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I'm starting to think the producers aren't even ringing him.

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They're just bringing his name up so I can make cheap, shameless jokes.

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Latest update - he's been too busy paying for his brother's divorce to join us.

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He seems to be using the same idea as the China department in Debenham's -

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you break it, you pay for it.

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Ryan's wife has publicly stated she'll stay with him, but this is his last chance.

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She said, "If he has just one more eight-year relationship with a family member, he's out."

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Carol Vorderman couldn't be here tonight. She's too busy with her new toy-boy.

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Carol's 50, he's 37, so that's an age gap of...

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Well, I'm sure Carol can work it out.

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When Carol asked him what he was looking for in a woman, he replied, "An M, I, L, F, and a consonant."

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-We...

-LAUGHTER

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MILF, yeah? MILF.

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Luckily we have been able to cast you, the studio audience.

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Again, I'm looking for one of you to join me in my sketch later in the show.

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And as ever, you need to prove you can act. Tonight,

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I'm after someone who can portray pain.

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Think of the most painful thing that's ever happened to you.

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In my case, it was the time I got my hand caught in the dishwasher.

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We had to sack her after that.

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Everyone! Prepare your painful faces.

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3... 2...

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1... Pain!

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MUSIC: Theme from "Casualty"

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If anyone's tuned in now, they must be thinking, "The acting in Casualty's gone downhill"

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I'm joking. They'd never think that.

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Some great painful faces there! Let's have a closer look at some of you.

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LAUGHTER

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You actually look like you're enjoying the pain.

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Where are you?

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-And what's your name?

-Mandy.

-What was your motivation behind your painful face?

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-I went to our local garden centre...

-Right.

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..walked into the aquatic centre and thought, "Oh, that's nice."

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-There was a nice dish, about so big.

-It was bigger when you did that.

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-Definitely about that big.

-I bet your husband's happy with that sort of measuring, but carry on!

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He is. So I put my finger in the tank, and all of sudden it just came along and it bit my finger!

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-What did?

-The fish!

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So I flicked my finger out, and the fish was attached.

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I saw it fly across the room and land in a ladies' handbag!

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-Can I just ask, are you sure this happened?

-I promise you!

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-I promise you.

-You weren't watching Tom and Jerry?

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No, I promise you it did!

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-Did you not tell the woman?

-No!

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I would love to have seen the scene when she got home.

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"Did you buy this?"

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OK, let's have a look at another pained face.

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LAUGHTER

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I said "in pain", not "insane".

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Where are you, sir?

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-I'm here.

-What's your name?

-My name's Joey.

-Joey.

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-What do you do, Joey?

-I'm a scientist.

-A scientist.

-Yeah.

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-Are you, Joey? What kind of science?

-Er, I study blood cell development.

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I've got loads of gags on that, but I'm pressed for time.

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-What was your motivation?

-A couple of years ago, me and my mates went go-karting.

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I was doing quite well until this guy cut me off,

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and as a result I crashed into the barriers at full speed

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and taking basically the full impact with my nuts on the steering wheel.

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AUDIENCE: Oooh.

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Literally every bloke in the audience crossed their legs then.

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And a couple of women, actually.

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-So you literally knackered the steering wheel!

-Yeah!

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Thanks, Joey. Let's have a look at another pained face.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't know where you are, but you can obviously sleep through pain.

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-Where are you? ..What's your name?

-It's David.

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And what was your motivation?

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Well, about four weeks ago I was hit by a horse.

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-When you say "hit", punched, or...?

-No.

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It had actually broken from its stable and bolted down a bridleway,

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and basically it took me out of my shoes and dragged me about four feet.

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Took you out of your shoes?

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-Did he lift you out of the shoe?

-No, it was...

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Did he go, "I'm sick of these metal ones, I'm having those comfortable ones"?

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That's great, thanks for that. It's time for me to pick my winner.

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It's a tough one, but I've made my decision. It's got to be Mandy!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

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We'll be seeing you in the sketch.

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Shall we crack on and meet the guests?

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# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it

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# I like to move it, move it I like to...move it! #

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My first guest tonight forged a highly successful career

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when he decided to start wearing make-up and give himself a girl's name.

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Funny enough, I do the same at the weekends and I've been told I'm in danger of ruining my career.

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My next guest is comedy's Angel of the North, by which I mean

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she stands by motorways with her arms outstretched.

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We couldn't afford to pay her train fare.

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It's Alice Cooper and Sarah Millican!

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# School's out for summer

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# Summer, yeah

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# School's out for ever

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# For ever, yeah

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# School's been blown to pieces... #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

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You're both looking brill. Brilliant.

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You've gone for very alternate colour schemes,

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of the shocking bright red and the black.

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I heard you were going to clean up tonight, and did the same thing.

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I was going to clean up cos I'd done something you don't want to talk about.

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-Did you see our pain faces back there?

-Yes!

-Yes!

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-Have you had painful experiences?

-Not much physical pain.

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I mean, I've seen Dreamgirls, that was...

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-Alice?

-Oh, I... Yeah.

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-My show is a painful experience, the whole thing.

-For the audience, or you?

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-For me and the audience, yeah!

-Just checking.

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I told the guys when they joined the band, "You're going to see the world,

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"You're going to get paid, you're going to get stitches."

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That sounds exactly like my blind date advert.

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Isn't it true that you actually stabbed yourself in the leg?

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-Yes.

-With no other than Errol Flynn's sword.

-Errol Flynn's sword.

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That sounds like a euphemism! LAUGHTER

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-I, uh... You're on stage...

-Can I check before you tell this story, what were you doing with his sword?

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Well, I took some fencing lessons and the guy gave me

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the sword that was in Captain Blood. The movie,

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with Basil Rathbone and everything.

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So on stage, the fog's going, and after half a bottle of whisky

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you stick it in the stage.

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And it was through there, right through there.

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And I thought, "Well, it's already in."

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You know.

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Leave it there, because the audience thought it was a trick. The band didn't!

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Cos it was spurting, you know, like this.

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And it's just sort of going in the wind like that,

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and I'm going, "Oh, this is going to hurt after the show."

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So I pulled it out, then I took a bottle of whisky and poured it in.

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-Cos I figured that's what James Bond would do.

-If you were ever

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involved in, like, a serious accident,

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people would just go, "Oh, he's rehearsing."

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-Yeah.

-"Should I phone 999?" "No, he'll be getting ready for a gig."

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-"It's Alice, leave him."

-"He's always taking his arms off."

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Now, Sarah, you're touring, or you're about to tour.

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-In October, yes.

-What do you do to fill the day?

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Sit in hotel rooms all day waiting for the gig? How does that work?

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-I have a lot of baths.

-Right. How many?

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Enough. I'm not very good at relaxing,

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that's my problem. That's why I have baths. I went on holiday last week

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and we had a hot tub, which is essentially having a bath on holiday,

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and we were in the dark and I spotted a hedgehog and got quite excited

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-cos I'd never seen a hedgehog before. I...

-You've never seen a hedgehog?

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Well, I'd seen them on the telly, and at children's parties with pineapple and cheese on...

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LAUGHTER

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-You know they're not real hedgehogs?

-You didn't go to my party.

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-Er...

-My snake would love your hedgehog.

-Oh, no!

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No!

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What?

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Come on.

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That's the best chat-up line I've ever heard!

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As a euphemism, "snake" is good. I'm not sure "hedgehog" is that appealing.

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You've not seen it.

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"I'll just take that bit of cheese and onion off..."

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There'd never be any of that left!

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LAUGHTER

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-Do you have a name for your snake?

-Well...

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Sorry!

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It's rather personal, but... We had Boa Derek.

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-Oh, nice!

-Nice.

-We had Julius Squeezer.

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-And we had Eva Marie Snake.

-You ran out of ideas there, didn't you?

-Yeah, we did.

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And Alice, you're in the UK to find some...freaks, I've heard?

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Yeah. We come back on Halloween.

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I don't think that London celebrates Halloween enough.

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And it's the most fun holiday of the year.

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We'll be doing shows at Ally Pally, and I auditioned Fireaxe this year.

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-You know, freaky Fireaxe.

-OK.

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You wouldn't believe how many strange people there are in London. Well, I guess I would now.

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-Have you got room for one more?

-Yeah. Absolutely.

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I'm happy to audition for the freak section. Not the fire one.

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I know your show's pretty gruesome.

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-This might shock you, even for you, OK?

-Yeah.

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Just close your eyes. It is pretty gruesome.

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BANGING

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-That's good!

-I did that, I did that, look.

-Very good.

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APPLAUSE

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Am I in?

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Now, you're not just doing your Freak auditions, are you?

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-You're actually here to...

-Doing a film right now.

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-With Johnny Depp.

-With Johnny Depp, and, er...

-What's that film?

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-It's called Dark Shadows.

-As opposed to what other type?

-Well, this...

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You have to remember... You didn't get this over here.

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This was like Coronation Street... with vampires.

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-Ha! It sounds brilliant.

-It really...

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Somehow it was a hit. In the '70s.

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Tim Burton saw it and said "We've got to recreate this,

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"and only Johnny Depp can play this," you know?

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-And what part do you play?

-I don't know. Really don't know yet.

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Shooting it Friday. I guess...

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-They'll tell me, I guess, by then.

-To be honest with you,

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I don't know what I'm doing on this show, I wouldn't worry about it.

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-Can I ask about Johnny Depp?

-Yeah.

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What does he smell of? LAUGHTER

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Fame. He smells of fame... No, he's the nicest guy.

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We should have said cheese and onion.

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He's the nicest guy you've ever met.

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The bizarrest fact about you is that you were Keanu Reeves's babysitter.

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-Yes.

-What did HE smell of? LAUGHTER

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-When was this?

-Er, 1978. '76.

-So you were totally Alice Cooper.

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Oh, yeah, I was Alice. I was wearing make-up and...

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I'd love to have seen that conversation - "We need someone to look after the baby."

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"Have you tried Ozzy Osbourne and Charlie Manson?"

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"Alice Cooper, of course!"

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Right. Alice and Sarah, it's not just me asking the questions.

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We asked our audience if they wanted to ask you anything,

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-and Benedict Maher, where are you, Benedict?

-Here!

-What's your question?

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What's the oddest thing you've ever done in a hotel room?

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You're talking to her, right?

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-Alice, I guess you've got nothing on this.

-No, no, no. It's all about her.

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The oddest thing in a hotel room.

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I was in a hotel room once and we wanted a bath and there was only a shower,

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and I rang downstairs and said, "Can I get a room that's got a bath?"

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and they said "There are no baths in the building."

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Shitty hotel.

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So I put...

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I don't know why I'm telling you this!

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I put a glass over the plug hole in the shower,

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and just sat in it and waited for it to fill up.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That is marvellous.

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So, Alice, have you got any interesting hotel stories?

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Yeah, we had one night that was called Hell Night,

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when in Biloxi, Mississippi, where I... Well, I didn't do it,

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but one of our guys pulled back the sheets on one of this guy's beds

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and he had already gone to the bathroom,

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and he just kind of wrote his name - "Joe"...

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AUDIENCE GASP

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..and then made the bed...

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and knowing this guy would come in drunk that night, he'd get in...

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-get in bed like that.

-That's disgusting.

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That was a true story.

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Did you go, "Quick, quick, wash the sheets in the bath."

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And someone said, "There isn't a bath, put a cup on the thing, it'll be fine."

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"I can't, Sarah's in there."

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Now, tonight we've got a true stand-up legend.

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All the way from Las Vegas, currently appearing at the Leicester Square Theatre,

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please welcome the amazing Rita Rudner.

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# Get up, stand up

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# Stand up for your rights. #

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you, thank you so much.

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It's very nice to be here.

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I feel so at home in England, even though I'm not English,

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because I have to tell you why - I've been married to an Englishman for 23 years.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, it is...it's a long time.

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The other day, I asked my husband if he wanted to renew our vows.

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He got so excited cos he thought they had expired.

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LAUGHTER

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My mother gave me some very good advice about staying married a long time.

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She said you must accept the other person for who they are

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and pretend they're someone else.

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They've been married for ever. They've passed their gold and silver anniversaries.

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Their next one is rust.

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I myself, I love being married because it's so great to find

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that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

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And since we've been married for 23 years, let me tell you,

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I'm getting on his nerves quite a bit.

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At least three times a day, he turns to an imaginary judge and says,

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"And that's why I killed her, Your Honour."

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LAUGHTER

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He says I use his razor to shave my legs,

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and I don't, I use it to shave the dog.

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Women, I think we say we're wrong more than men, don't you think?

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I say I'm wrong all the time. You know why? Cos I don't care.

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I'll say it now. You want to hear?

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I'm sorry, I was wrong. I'm sorry, I was wrong.

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I can say it all day, it makes no difference to me.

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I know I'm right.

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Cos, men, you don't listen, and women listen too hard.

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We hear things you're not even saying.

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"You look tired." "Are you saying I look fat?"

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I think women are more self-sufficient than men. Don't you think?

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If a woman's thirsty, she gets a drink.

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If a man is thirsty, he says, "I'm thirsty."

0:17:570:17:59

LAUGHTER

0:17:590:18:01

And he waits for something to appear.

0:18:010:18:03

I think men and women react differently to situations.

0:18:040:18:07

If a woman sees a mess, she cleans it up.

0:18:070:18:10

If a man sees a mess, he announces it.

0:18:100:18:12

"Rita, the dog just threw up at the top of the stairs."

0:18:120:18:16

"OK, I'll be there in a second. Try not to do anything about it."

0:18:160:18:21

We have pillow fights - not throwing pillows at each other.

0:18:220:18:25

We fight about why there are so many pillows on the bed.

0:18:250:18:28

And why he's not allowed to put his head on any of them.

0:18:280:18:31

But I've explained it to him. I've told him they're decorative pillows,

0:18:330:18:37

not pillows for sleeping, but pillows for show.

0:18:370:18:40

And he said, "Yes, Rita, but we are the only two people who go into the bedroom.

0:18:400:18:45

"Who do we do the little pillow show for?"

0:18:450:18:48

And I have to be honest with you,

0:18:480:18:50

I don't really know.

0:18:500:18:53

I only know that I love my pillows.

0:18:530:18:56

And I have to do the show.

0:18:560:18:59

I know I've been telling you all about our arguments,

0:18:590:19:02

but we do get along so well.

0:19:020:19:03

We are so close we don't even have to talk any more because we know what the other person is thinking.

0:19:030:19:08

Sometimes I'll be lying in bed and he'll roll over and whisper in my ear, "You're wrong."

0:19:080:19:13

LAUGHTER

0:19:130:19:15

And I don't care because I know I'm right.

0:19:150:19:19

And sometimes he'll be lying there and I'll whisper in his ear,

0:19:190:19:22

"Pick up your head, that's a decorative pillow."

0:19:220:19:26

Thank you so much for having me here.

0:19:260:19:29

CHEERING

0:19:290:19:32

Ladies and gentleman, Rita Rudner.

0:19:320:19:34

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:340:19:37

As usual, I want to cast someone in the audience to star in our trailer for next week.

0:19:390:19:43

There are many ways to get noticed and climb the greasy pole of fame.

0:19:430:19:46

One way is talent, another is beauty.

0:19:460:19:49

Or you could do what I did and bribe your way to the top.

0:19:490:19:52

Yes, it's time for...

0:19:520:19:54

# Give it away, give it away Give it away now

0:19:550:19:57

# Give it away, give it away Give it away now. #

0:19:570:20:00

We asked everyone in our audience to bring in one item they think they can bribe Sarah or Alice with

0:20:020:20:07

to guarantee themselves a place on our sofa at the end of the show.

0:20:070:20:11

First, we've got Adelina Miller. Where are you, Adelina?

0:20:110:20:14

-Hello!

-Hello.

0:20:140:20:16

-What have you got to offer?

-I have made a giant cupcake

0:20:160:20:20

because I know Sarah likes cake.

0:20:200:20:22

-Aw!

-And it's got a special chicken on top for Alice to bite the head off.

0:20:220:20:27

That is sweet, that is nice.

0:20:270:20:29

Well played.

0:20:330:20:35

You like a cake, though, don't you?

0:20:350:20:38

-Yeah.

-You're obsessed with cakes, I know this.

0:20:380:20:40

-I'm not obsessed.

-Obsessed enough to have taken photographs of cakes.

0:20:400:20:43

I do take photos... Well, they go so quickly - really quickly.

0:20:430:20:47

Um...so I take a photo...

0:20:470:20:51

-Before you eat them?

-Yeah, or it's just an empty, licked-clean plate.

0:20:510:20:56

-Alice, are you a cake man?

-No. I'm thinking about the chicken though.

0:20:560:21:00

Is it a marshmallow chicken?

0:21:000:21:02

Do you want it to be?

0:21:020:21:05

-LAUGHTER

-Why are you turning this into some sort of Babestation?

0:21:050:21:09

This chicken can be anything you want it to be.

0:21:090:21:12

But it's not live. Do you eat them live?

0:21:120:21:16

No, I don't... It's not live, it's not worth it, really.

0:21:160:21:20

-To be fair, you've never actually eaten a live animal, have you?

-No.

0:21:200:21:23

In the beginning of my career, they said don't deny it because they love the fact

0:21:230:21:28

that you killed this chicken. I never killed a chicken. The audience killed the chicken.

0:21:280:21:32

In fact, the first three rows, all in wheelchairs, killed the chicken.

0:21:320:21:36

Meals on wheels.

0:21:360:21:38

Yes, that's it, that's it.

0:21:380:21:40

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:400:21:44

OK, Gavin Molloy, what have you got to offer?

0:21:440:21:47

My bribe to Sarah and Alice is to have a game of golf with me

0:21:470:21:51

using my special club which I believe was owned by Harry Vardon a mashie niblick,

0:21:510:21:56

-which I'm sure Alice is familiar with.

-Oh, yeah.

0:21:560:21:59

-Are you aware of the mashie niblet?

-Oh, absolutely.

0:21:590:22:01

-Niblet?

-You can't eat that.

0:22:010:22:03

-Who did the club belong to?

-Harry Vardon, one of the greatest British golfers ever.

0:22:030:22:08

So great that no-one in this room has heard of him.

0:22:080:22:11

I have heard of him. The Vardon Trophy.

0:22:110:22:14

-The Vardon Grip.

-Yes, and the Vardon Grip.

0:22:140:22:17

What's the Vardon Grip?

0:22:170:22:18

-The Vardon Grip is an overlaid grip.

-Show me.

0:22:180:22:22

Can we borrow the club to demonstrate the Vardon Grip? Can you bring it down?

0:22:220:22:27

-OK, demonstrate the grip for me, Alice. Are you a good teacher.

-Yes.

0:22:290:22:33

-OK, your left hand...

-I've got a left hand, yes.

0:22:330:22:36

Hold it like this - Harry Vardon Grip.

0:22:360:22:40

-It's like that.

-Right.

0:22:400:22:42

Right there, that's... That's a very good club.

0:22:420:22:44

Go ahead, try it. Don't hurt yourself.

0:22:440:22:47

No, no, no. OK.

0:22:470:22:48

-Am I supposed to grip this with firm pressure?

-No. Left hand firm.

0:22:480:22:52

-Right hand like you're holding a bird.

-Which bird?

0:22:520:22:55

LAUGHTER

0:22:550:22:57

Posh Spice.

0:22:570:22:58

-So...like that?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:580:23:02

That's pretty good.

0:23:030:23:05

-Do you play golf?

-I've had a couple of rounds,

0:23:050:23:09

but you've played a round with Tiger Woods... I'll re-phrase that.

0:23:090:23:12

But you've played a round with Tiger Woods.

0:23:120:23:16

I've hit golf balls with Tiger Woods.

0:23:160:23:19

Just to keep it even, would you demonstrate how to eat a cake, Sarah?

0:23:190:23:24

Yeah.

0:23:240:23:26

-Shall I go and...

-I genuinely was only joking, but you're going,

0:23:260:23:31

"No way, I'm having a bit of cake."

0:23:310:23:33

But you've had a go with the bat.

0:23:330:23:35

The bat?!

0:23:350:23:37

It's not a bat.

0:23:370:23:38

-I'm having some icing.

-Oh, I can't stop her, she wants some cake.

0:23:380:23:42

You can taste it, Millican, you can taste it.

0:23:430:23:46

Bloody hell!

0:23:460:23:49

I think she's made it with lead.

0:23:490:23:51

D'you know what? I've been genuinely told upstairs,

0:23:510:23:55

"Can you tell her we don't know this woman very well, don't eat it."

0:23:550:23:59

-Am I allowed to smell it?

-You can smell it, yeah.

0:24:000:24:03

I'll have a taste.

0:24:030:24:05

Aw!

0:24:070:24:09

He's bit its head off.

0:24:120:24:13

Finally it's true.

0:24:160:24:18

-Finally you have bitten a chicken's head off.

-There.

0:24:180:24:21

So, Alice and Sarah, what's it going to be - Adelina's cupcake

0:24:210:24:26

-or Gavin's golf club?

-Do we have to decide it together?

0:24:260:24:30

Well, yes. You don't have to get married, but you get one prize.

0:24:300:24:34

I would say, since we both tasted the cake...

0:24:340:24:39

-It was good, wasn't it?

-Yeah, and she may have the antidote.

0:24:390:24:42

Ladies and gentlemen, promoting next week's show is Adelina with her cupcake.

0:24:460:24:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:510:24:53

It's that point in the evening when I say the words, "Do you want to come back to my place?"

0:24:550:24:59

-AUDIENCE: No!

-It was rhetorical.

0:24:590:25:02

PHONE RINGS

0:25:120:25:14

Lee Mack's All-Star Cast. Oh, hello, Beyonce!

0:25:160:25:19

Yeah, loved you at Glastonbury last week. Had a great time.

0:25:190:25:22

Apart from overflowing loos, empty beer cans and smell of wee.

0:25:220:25:25

But that's the problem with watching it at home. Bye.

0:25:250:25:28

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:25:280:25:30

It's TV's Patsy Kensit.

0:25:310:25:34

First things first - can you sign my poster?

0:25:370:25:40

-I was in Lethal Weapon 2.

-I know. I want you to sign Mel Gibson's name.

0:25:400:25:45

People on eBay can recognise my handwriting.

0:25:450:25:48

So, my agent said you wanted to have a chat about me possibly

0:25:480:25:53

-coming on your show.

-Absolutely.

0:25:530:25:56

-If you can find a way of returning the favour.

-What do you mean?

0:25:560:25:59

You scratch my back, I'll scratch your front...back! The thing is,

0:25:590:26:03

-I don't want to do comedy much longer.

-That's a relief! I mean shock.

0:26:030:26:08

I've always wanted to be an actor in a medical drama. I thought you could help me.

0:26:080:26:12

How can I help you?

0:26:120:26:13

You're in one. You played Emma.

0:26:130:26:15

-What?

-You played Emma Dale in Holby Farm.

0:26:150:26:18

I played Faye Morton.

0:26:180:26:21

And Holby isn't a farm, it's a city.

0:26:210:26:24

These urban developers are ruining the countryside.

0:26:240:26:26

Sorry, soap's not my strong point.

0:26:260:26:28

Yeah, I noticed that.

0:26:280:26:30

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:26:300:26:32

It's my beloved landlady, Miss Drent.

0:26:350:26:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:370:26:40

-Have you been crying?

-Yeah, I had a horrible nightmare

0:26:450:26:48

that I was a huge international rock star and they made me wear women's clothes just to get a cheap laugh.

0:26:480:26:54

-Pay the rent!

-All right.

0:26:550:26:57

Don't bite my head off.

0:26:570:26:59

-I mean really, don't bite my head off.

-You got one week.

0:26:590:27:02

Have you been talking to the head of BBC?

0:27:020:27:06

APPLAUSE

0:27:080:27:11

Come on, Patsy, I reckon my face will be perfect for a hospital drama.

0:27:120:27:17

It would work better on hospital radio.

0:27:170:27:19

I know, let's improvise a scene now.

0:27:190:27:22

Right, I'll be the patient, which means you are...

0:27:220:27:26

-The vet?

-..the nurse.

0:27:260:27:28

Go on, play along.

0:27:280:27:30

OK, let's say you've been brought to the hospital with a broken bone.

0:27:300:27:36

-Funny bone?

-Why not go with a bone that you actually use?

0:27:360:27:39

Pretend you've broken your coccyx.

0:27:390:27:42

Has that got a bone in it?

0:27:440:27:46

It's round the other side.

0:27:460:27:48

It's definitely broken if it's round the other side.

0:27:480:27:51

Think of your motivation.

0:27:510:27:53

Imagine a fish biting your finger and then chucking it in a bag.

0:27:530:28:00

As if that would happen!

0:28:000:28:01

But OK, no problem. Check this out for acting.

0:28:010:28:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:090:28:10

-It's true, you know.

-Yeah, right(!)

0:28:110:28:14

I've not been feeling myself recently.

0:28:160:28:19

Oh, come on, Patsy, it'll be perfect for me - getting paid to lie in bed all day with the occasional bed bath

0:28:190:28:25

and I can still claim incapacity benefit.

0:28:250:28:27

I think you're getting reality mixed up with fiction.

0:28:270:28:31

No, I'm not. But whilst you're here, can you have a look at this?

0:28:310:28:36

I'm not a real nurse.

0:28:360:28:37

That's all right, I'm not a real patient.

0:28:370:28:40

Is that what this is all about?

0:28:400:28:42

Getting me round here so that we can play doctors and nurses?

0:28:420:28:47

Course not. I was thinking more mummies and daddies.

0:28:470:28:51

You know what? You are sick!

0:28:510:28:54

See? I told you I was convincing.

0:28:540:28:56

Right, Kensit!

0:28:560:28:58

Back away from the bloke with the bad hair and the dodgy skin and the body odour.

0:28:580:29:04

-I wish people would stop improvising.

-What the hell...

0:29:040:29:08

is going on?

0:29:080:29:10

Sorry, just really wanted a part in Lethal Weapon 5.

0:29:100:29:15

No doors were harmed in the making of that sketch, but a choir member may have lost the will to live.

0:29:190:29:24

Right, let's meet the final members of tonight's cast.

0:29:240:29:28

Yes, it's time for...

0:29:280:29:30

# When will I, will I be famous

0:29:300:29:35

# For 15 seconds? #

0:29:350:29:41

Marvellous.

0:29:450:29:46

Yes, 15 seconds of fame, and first up, she's back.

0:29:460:29:50

It's our reigning champion, Anna Devitt. Hello, Anna, are you there?

0:29:500:29:54

-Hi, Lee, I'm here.

-Has it been a good week for you?

0:29:540:29:57

-It has, actually. I got recognised on Saturday.

-Did you?

0:29:570:30:02

-Where?

-A car-boot sale.

-Well, it's going from strength to strength!

0:30:020:30:06

-What did they say to you?

-"Are you the singing belly off the telly?"

0:30:070:30:12

LAUGHTER

0:30:120:30:14

-What did you say?

-"Yes, I am!"

0:30:140:30:16

I'll tell you what, it's a hell of an anecdote.

0:30:160:30:20

And...wow.

0:30:200:30:22

Anna Devitt, once again, it's time for your 15 seconds of fame.

0:30:220:30:27

# Somethin' kinda ooh

0:30:300:30:32

# Jumpin' on my toot-toot

0:30:320:30:34

# Somethin' 'side of me

0:30:340:30:36

# Wants some part of you-oo

0:30:360:30:38

# Somethin' kind ooh

0:30:380:30:40

# Makes my heart go boom, boom

0:30:400:30:42

# Somethin' 'side of me

0:30:420:30:43

# Wants a part of you-oo. #

0:30:430:30:47

KLAXON

0:30:470:30:48

-APPLAUSE

-Have you ever thought of singing out of any other holes

0:30:480:30:54

and forming a barber-shop quartet?

0:30:540:30:56

Ladies and gentlemen, Anna Devitt!

0:30:560:31:00

-Our next contender, it's Graham Cowling. Are you there, Graham?

-I am.

0:31:030:31:07

Where are you calling from tonight?

0:31:070:31:10

-I'm calling from my front room.

-Right.

0:31:100:31:12

It could have been a train station!

0:31:120:31:15

I'm trying to work out if that clock is normal size,

0:31:150:31:19

or you're a Borrower.

0:31:190:31:20

So tell me, what are you going to do for us?

0:31:210:31:25

-I am the human klaxon.

-You're a human klaxon?

0:31:250:31:29

OK, at the end of the 15 seconds, we usually have a klaxon.

0:31:290:31:32

Why don't we just get rid of the klaxon and you can be the klaxon

0:31:320:31:35

-at the end of the 15 seconds?

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:31:350:31:39

Not sure what you'll do in the 15 seconds but we'll go with that.

0:31:390:31:42

Here we go. Graham Cowling, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

0:31:420:31:47

Here we go, then.

0:31:470:31:48

One banana, two banana...

0:31:480:31:51

There isn't a second hand on that clock.

0:31:550:31:57

I don't know why he's looking at it.

0:31:570:31:59

HE IMITATES KLAXON

0:31:590:32:01

-APPLAUSE

-That's quite good!

0:32:010:32:04

I'm impressed with that. I like that. Well done, Graham.

0:32:040:32:07

Can he do a bike-horn noise?

0:32:090:32:12

-Sarah's got a question for you.

-Can you do a bike-horn noise?

0:32:120:32:16

A bike-horn noise? What's that?

0:32:160:32:19

LAUGHTER

0:32:190:32:21

-Like a..."Ah-ha". Like that.

-That's nice. That's nice.

0:32:210:32:25

-Ah-ha!

-It's like going out for a drink with the Muppets with you two!

0:32:250:32:28

We could form a double-act!

0:32:280:32:31

OK. Have we got Jordan?

0:32:310:32:33

Hello. The angle of this is looking a bit suspect.

0:32:330:32:38

Where you calling us from? Prison?

0:32:380:32:42

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:32:420:32:44

Sorry, say it again.

0:32:440:32:45

-It's like a prison.

-Right, where are you?

0:32:450:32:48

I'm in Wales.

0:32:480:32:49

LAUGHTER

0:32:490:32:51

-Before anyone complains, HE said it.

-I

-didn't!

0:32:510:32:55

Jordan, what are you doing for us tonight?

0:32:550:32:57

-Er... I'm in a band called The Rookz.

-OK, band called The Rookz. Yeah.

0:32:570:33:03

I've Got A Monster In My Pants.

0:33:030:33:05

-You've got a monster in your pants?

-I have.

-That's the name of the song?

0:33:050:33:09

-That is the name of the song.

-Right.

0:33:090:33:12

What could possibly go wrong? You look half-naked.

0:33:120:33:15

You're telling me you've got a monster in your pants.

0:33:150:33:19

This is your 15 seconds of fame.

0:33:190:33:21

Okey-doke.

0:33:210:33:22

# I've got a monster in my pants Do you wanna dance with me? #

0:33:240:33:29

LAUGHTER

0:33:310:33:32

APPLAUSE

0:33:320:33:34

KLAXON

0:33:390:33:41

That is marvellous!

0:33:410:33:43

Do you know what?

0:33:440:33:46

McFly have let themselves go.

0:33:460:33:48

Hello, lads! I say "lads" - with those man boobs, it's hard to tell!

0:33:500:33:53

Are you actually a band or just friends who can't afford clothes?

0:33:530:33:58

-We ARE a serious band...

-No, you're not! You're not!

0:33:580:34:02

Let me stop you there. You're not a serious band! Do you do professional gigs?

0:34:020:34:07

We do professional gigs. We've done gigs for The Saturdays.

0:34:070:34:12

You've done gigs for The Saturdays? Have you done gigs ON Saturday?

0:34:120:34:17

-Yeah?

-We've done gigs on Saturday, Friday, Sunday, Monday.

0:34:170:34:21

Every day. Weekly.

0:34:210:34:22

It's like talking to Craig David over the Internet!

0:34:220:34:25

Listen. Thanks, guys. That was very different, I think you'll agree.

0:34:250:34:29

-That was Jordan and The Rookz.

-Thank you.

0:34:290:34:32

-I like them.

-I like them, too.

-I like them. A lot!

0:34:340:34:37

OK, Alice and Sarah, who do you want to crown as this week's Famous For 15 Seconds winner?

0:34:370:34:42

-What do you think?

-I still like the cup cake.

0:34:420:34:44

Stay with the cup cake.

0:34:440:34:46

It's like being out with your granddad, isn't it!

0:34:460:34:48

-I like the boys in their pants but maybe for the wrong reasons!

-Right.

0:34:480:34:52

-You like the boys in their pants. OK.

-I'd go with that.

-You'll go with the boys in their pants?

-Yeah.

0:34:520:34:57

Ladies and gentlemen, our winner of 15 Seconds Of Fame. Congratulations, The Rookz! You are the champions!

0:34:570:35:02

Lads, how does it feel - firstly that you'll be back next week

0:35:060:35:10

but, more importantly, you were chosen by Sarah Millican

0:35:100:35:12

-and rock legend Alice Cooper?

-Oh, we're over the moon.

0:35:120:35:15

Don't mention the word "moon" in those pants!

0:35:150:35:18

LAUGHTER

0:35:180:35:19

Are you available next week?

0:35:190:35:21

-Yeah, probably.

-A minute ago, you were busy every day!

0:35:210:35:25

Monday, Tuesday. Can you make next week?

0:35:250:35:27

-WELSH ACCENT:

-Oh, aye, we can do that! Any time you like!

0:35:270:35:30

Brilliant! Let's hear it for The Rookz.

0:35:300:35:31

If you want to be in Famous For 15 Seconds

0:35:350:35:38

and take part in All Star Cast next week, go to...

0:35:380:35:42

That's all we've got time for tonight. Big thanks to all the members of my cast.

0:35:420:35:46

-Alice Cooper! Sarah Millican!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:35:460:35:49

Rita Rudner!

0:35:490:35:51

Patsy Kensit!

0:35:510:35:52

And of course, Mandy!

0:35:520:35:55

And our wonderful studio audience.

0:35:550:35:57

Playing us out with Kinda Girl You Are, give it up for the Kaiser Chiefs!

0:35:570:36:01

CHEERING

0:36:010:36:03

# I only wanna see the

0:36:050:36:07

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:36:080:36:12

# I only wanna see the

0:36:120:36:13

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:36:140:36:17

# I only wanna see the

0:36:180:36:19

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:36:200:36:23

# I only wanna see the

0:36:230:36:25

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:36:260:36:29

# I first heard you on the radio

0:36:350:36:37

# I felt my heart explode

0:36:370:36:38

# I heard a voice, no other choice I fell in love with you

0:36:380:36:41

# Through St Bartholomew To Baxter Avenue

0:36:410:36:44

# No-one can do what you do, oh

0:36:440:36:46

# I thought you were American Oh, oh, oh

0:36:460:36:50

# I loved you, American Oh, oh, oh

0:36:500:36:56

# I only wanna see the

0:36:580:37:00

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:37:010:37:03

# I only wanna see the

0:37:030:37:05

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:37:070:37:09

# Then I saw you in the centre-fold

0:37:090:37:11

# But you were looking cold

0:37:110:37:13

# In just an awfully-positioned piece of mistletoe

0:37:130:37:16

# Mentally dressing you I wanna rescue you

0:37:160:37:19

# To make you mine, oh Mine, oh, yeah

0:37:190:37:21

# I thought you were a miracle Oh, oh, oh

0:37:210:37:24

# I thought you were a miracle Oh, oh, oh

0:37:270:37:31

# Hey!

0:37:310:37:32

# I thought you were incredible Oh, oh, oh

0:37:550:37:59

# I thought you were incredible Oh, oh, oh

0:38:010:38:05

# I only wanna see the

0:38:070:38:08

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:38:100:38:12

# I only wanna see the

0:38:120:38:14

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:38:150:38:18

# I only wanna see the

0:38:180:38:20

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

0:38:210:38:24

# I only wanna see the

0:38:240:38:26

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are. #

0:38:270:38:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:370:38:39

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:38:390:38:42

On next week's show, Katie Price, Rhod Gilbert and Scouting For Girls.

0:38:420:38:46

As ever, I'll be making stars of the audience - for a price!

0:38:460:38:49

I gave Alice Cooper a marzipan chicken and now he's my friend!

0:38:490:38:53

I'm so sorry, Alice.

0:38:530:38:55

LAUGHTER

0:38:550:38:57

E-mail [email protected]

0:38:570:38:58

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