Episode 3 Lee Mack's All Star Cast

Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, the show that makes stars out of people like me.

Soon, everyone will know my name, and my name is...

Time's up. Roll titles.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Party hard is in the house tonight

# Everybody just have a good time

# We're gonna make you lose your mind

# We just wanna see you... Shake it. #

CHEERING AND WOLF WHISTLES

Shameless. Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for my choir, the Gospel Honest Truth!

CHEERING

The most popular stair-based entertainment act since Thora Hird.

Hello, and welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, with celebrity guests

and you, the audience, starring.

CHEERING

In my All Star Cast tonight, he's got poison running through his veins, it's Alice Cooper!

CHEERING

She's got Newcastle Brown Ale in her veins, it's Sarah Millican!

CHEERING

We've got stand-up from the wonderful Rita Rudner!

CHEERING

And we've got music from the Kaiser Chiefs.

CHEERING

Sadly, there were some people we weren't able to cast.

We couldn't cast Andy Murray, cos he's sulking after being knocked out of Wimbledon.

-ALL: Aww.

-It's happened again!

The last time a British male got to the final of Wimbledon, George V was king,

WWII was a year away, and Sue Barker had just started her third series of A Question Of Sport.

Andy's mum hit the news this week for putting messages on Twitter

about how attractive the other players are. Did you read this?

It's the last thing you need - your mum getting all sexy when you're trying to reach a semi.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We also couldn't cast Wayne Rooney this week - he's recovering from Glastonbury.

Apparently he loved his new experience so much,

he's thinking of giving Reading a go.

Sorry, not Reading, reading.

We haven't been able to cast Ryan Giggs again. Three weeks in a row.

I'm starting to think the producers aren't even ringing him.

They're just bringing his name up so I can make cheap, shameless jokes.

Latest update - he's been too busy paying for his brother's divorce to join us.

He seems to be using the same idea as the China department in Debenham's -

you break it, you pay for it.

Ryan's wife has publicly stated she'll stay with him, but this is his last chance.

She said, "If he has just one more eight-year relationship with a family member, he's out."

Carol Vorderman couldn't be here tonight. She's too busy with her new toy-boy.

Carol's 50, he's 37, so that's an age gap of...

Well, I'm sure Carol can work it out.

When Carol asked him what he was looking for in a woman, he replied, "An M, I, L, F, and a consonant."

-We...

-LAUGHTER

MILF, yeah? MILF.

Luckily we have been able to cast you, the studio audience.

Again, I'm looking for one of you to join me in my sketch later in the show.

And as ever, you need to prove you can act. Tonight,

I'm after someone who can portray pain.

Think of the most painful thing that's ever happened to you.

In my case, it was the time I got my hand caught in the dishwasher.

We had to sack her after that.

Everyone! Prepare your painful faces.

3... 2...

1... Pain!

MUSIC: Theme from "Casualty"

If anyone's tuned in now, they must be thinking, "The acting in Casualty's gone downhill"

I'm joking. They'd never think that.

Some great painful faces there! Let's have a closer look at some of you.

LAUGHTER

You actually look like you're enjoying the pain.

Where are you?

-And what's your name?

-Mandy.

-What was your motivation behind your painful face?

-I went to our local garden centre...

-Right.

..walked into the aquatic centre and thought, "Oh, that's nice."

-There was a nice dish, about so big.

-It was bigger when you did that.

-Definitely about that big.

-I bet your husband's happy with that sort of measuring, but carry on!

He is. So I put my finger in the tank, and all of sudden it just came along and it bit my finger!

-What did?

-The fish!

So I flicked my finger out, and the fish was attached.

I saw it fly across the room and land in a ladies' handbag!

-Can I just ask, are you sure this happened?

-I promise you!

-I promise you.

-You weren't watching Tom and Jerry?

No, I promise you it did!

-Did you not tell the woman?

-No!

I would love to have seen the scene when she got home.

"Did you buy this?"

OK, let's have a look at another pained face.

LAUGHTER

I said "in pain", not "insane".

Where are you, sir?

-I'm here.

-What's your name?

-My name's Joey.

-Joey.

-What do you do, Joey?

-I'm a scientist.

-A scientist.

-Yeah.

-Are you, Joey? What kind of science?

-Er, I study blood cell development.

I've got loads of gags on that, but I'm pressed for time.

-What was your motivation?

-A couple of years ago, me and my mates went go-karting.

I was doing quite well until this guy cut me off,

and as a result I crashed into the barriers at full speed

and taking basically the full impact with my nuts on the steering wheel.

AUDIENCE: Oooh.

Literally every bloke in the audience crossed their legs then.

And a couple of women, actually.

-So you literally knackered the steering wheel!

-Yeah!

Thanks, Joey. Let's have a look at another pained face.

LAUGHTER

I don't know where you are, but you can obviously sleep through pain.

-Where are you? ..What's your name?

-It's David.

And what was your motivation?

Well, about four weeks ago I was hit by a horse.

-When you say "hit", punched, or...?

-No.

It had actually broken from its stable and bolted down a bridleway,

and basically it took me out of my shoes and dragged me about four feet.

Took you out of your shoes?

-Did he lift you out of the shoe?

-No, it was...

Did he go, "I'm sick of these metal ones, I'm having those comfortable ones"?

That's great, thanks for that. It's time for me to pick my winner.

It's a tough one, but I've made my decision. It's got to be Mandy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

We'll be seeing you in the sketch.

Shall we crack on and meet the guests?

# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it I like to...move it! #

My first guest tonight forged a highly successful career

when he decided to start wearing make-up and give himself a girl's name.

Funny enough, I do the same at the weekends and I've been told I'm in danger of ruining my career.

My next guest is comedy's Angel of the North, by which I mean

she stands by motorways with her arms outstretched.

We couldn't afford to pay her train fare.

It's Alice Cooper and Sarah Millican!

# School's out for summer

# Summer, yeah

# School's out for ever

# For ever, yeah

# School's been blown to pieces... #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

You're both looking brill. Brilliant.

You've gone for very alternate colour schemes,

of the shocking bright red and the black.

I heard you were going to clean up tonight, and did the same thing.

I was going to clean up cos I'd done something you don't want to talk about.

-Did you see our pain faces back there?

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Have you had painful experiences?

-Not much physical pain.

I mean, I've seen Dreamgirls, that was...

-Alice?

-Oh, I... Yeah.

-My show is a painful experience, the whole thing.

-For the audience, or you?

-For me and the audience, yeah!

-Just checking.

I told the guys when they joined the band, "You're going to see the world,

"You're going to get paid, you're going to get stitches."

That sounds exactly like my blind date advert.

Isn't it true that you actually stabbed yourself in the leg?

-Yes.

-With no other than Errol Flynn's sword.

-Errol Flynn's sword.

That sounds like a euphemism! LAUGHTER

-I, uh... You're on stage...

-Can I check before you tell this story, what were you doing with his sword?

Well, I took some fencing lessons and the guy gave me

the sword that was in Captain Blood. The movie,

with Basil Rathbone and everything.

So on stage, the fog's going, and after half a bottle of whisky

you stick it in the stage.

And it was through there, right through there.

And I thought, "Well, it's already in."

You know.

Leave it there, because the audience thought it was a trick. The band didn't!

Cos it was spurting, you know, like this.

And it's just sort of going in the wind like that,

and I'm going, "Oh, this is going to hurt after the show."

So I pulled it out, then I took a bottle of whisky and poured it in.

-Cos I figured that's what James Bond would do.

-If you were ever

involved in, like, a serious accident,

people would just go, "Oh, he's rehearsing."

-Yeah.

-"Should I phone 999?" "No, he'll be getting ready for a gig."

-"It's Alice, leave him."

-"He's always taking his arms off."

Now, Sarah, you're touring, or you're about to tour.

-In October, yes.

-What do you do to fill the day?

Sit in hotel rooms all day waiting for the gig? How does that work?

-I have a lot of baths.

-Right. How many?

Enough. I'm not very good at relaxing,

that's my problem. That's why I have baths. I went on holiday last week

and we had a hot tub, which is essentially having a bath on holiday,

and we were in the dark and I spotted a hedgehog and got quite excited

-cos I'd never seen a hedgehog before. I...

-You've never seen a hedgehog?

Well, I'd seen them on the telly, and at children's parties with pineapple and cheese on...

LAUGHTER

-You know they're not real hedgehogs?

-You didn't go to my party.

-Er...

-My snake would love your hedgehog.

-Oh, no!

No!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What?

Come on.

That's the best chat-up line I've ever heard!

As a euphemism, "snake" is good. I'm not sure "hedgehog" is that appealing.

You've not seen it.

"I'll just take that bit of cheese and onion off..."

There'd never be any of that left!

LAUGHTER

-Do you have a name for your snake?

-Well...

Sorry!

It's rather personal, but... We had Boa Derek.

-Oh, nice!

-Nice.

-We had Julius Squeezer.

-And we had Eva Marie Snake.

-You ran out of ideas there, didn't you?

-Yeah, we did.

And Alice, you're in the UK to find some...freaks, I've heard?

Yeah. We come back on Halloween.

I don't think that London celebrates Halloween enough.

And it's the most fun holiday of the year.

We'll be doing shows at Ally Pally, and I auditioned Fireaxe this year.

-You know, freaky Fireaxe.

-OK.

You wouldn't believe how many strange people there are in London. Well, I guess I would now.

-Have you got room for one more?

-Yeah. Absolutely.

I'm happy to audition for the freak section. Not the fire one.

I know your show's pretty gruesome.

-This might shock you, even for you, OK?

-Yeah.

Just close your eyes. It is pretty gruesome.

BANGING

-That's good!

-I did that, I did that, look.

-Very good.

APPLAUSE

Am I in?

Now, you're not just doing your Freak auditions, are you?

-You're actually here to...

-Doing a film right now.

-With Johnny Depp.

-With Johnny Depp, and, er...

-What's that film?

-It's called Dark Shadows.

-As opposed to what other type?

-Well, this...

You have to remember... You didn't get this over here.

This was like Coronation Street... with vampires.

-Ha! It sounds brilliant.

-It really...

Somehow it was a hit. In the '70s.

Tim Burton saw it and said "We've got to recreate this,

"and only Johnny Depp can play this," you know?

-And what part do you play?

-I don't know. Really don't know yet.

Shooting it Friday. I guess...

-They'll tell me, I guess, by then.

-To be honest with you,

I don't know what I'm doing on this show, I wouldn't worry about it.

-Can I ask about Johnny Depp?

-Yeah.

What does he smell of? LAUGHTER

Fame. He smells of fame... No, he's the nicest guy.

We should have said cheese and onion.

He's the nicest guy you've ever met.

The bizarrest fact about you is that you were Keanu Reeves's babysitter.

-Yes.

-What did HE smell of? LAUGHTER

-When was this?

-Er, 1978. '76.

-So you were totally Alice Cooper.

Oh, yeah, I was Alice. I was wearing make-up and...

I'd love to have seen that conversation - "We need someone to look after the baby."

"Have you tried Ozzy Osbourne and Charlie Manson?"

"Alice Cooper, of course!"

Right. Alice and Sarah, it's not just me asking the questions.

We asked our audience if they wanted to ask you anything,

-and Benedict Maher, where are you, Benedict?

-Here!

-What's your question?

What's the oddest thing you've ever done in a hotel room?

You're talking to her, right?

-Alice, I guess you've got nothing on this.

-No, no, no. It's all about her.

The oddest thing in a hotel room.

I was in a hotel room once and we wanted a bath and there was only a shower,

and I rang downstairs and said, "Can I get a room that's got a bath?"

and they said "There are no baths in the building."

Shitty hotel.

So I put...

I don't know why I'm telling you this!

I put a glass over the plug hole in the shower,

and just sat in it and waited for it to fill up.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is marvellous.

So, Alice, have you got any interesting hotel stories?

Yeah, we had one night that was called Hell Night,

when in Biloxi, Mississippi, where I... Well, I didn't do it,

but one of our guys pulled back the sheets on one of this guy's beds

and he had already gone to the bathroom,

and he just kind of wrote his name - "Joe"...

AUDIENCE GASP

..and then made the bed...

and knowing this guy would come in drunk that night, he'd get in...

-get in bed like that.

-That's disgusting.

That was a true story.

Did you go, "Quick, quick, wash the sheets in the bath."

And someone said, "There isn't a bath, put a cup on the thing, it'll be fine."

"I can't, Sarah's in there."

Now, tonight we've got a true stand-up legend.

All the way from Las Vegas, currently appearing at the Leicester Square Theatre,

please welcome the amazing Rita Rudner.

# Get up, stand up

# Stand up for your rights. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you so much.

It's very nice to be here.

I feel so at home in England, even though I'm not English,

because I have to tell you why - I've been married to an Englishman for 23 years.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it is...it's a long time.

The other day, I asked my husband if he wanted to renew our vows.

He got so excited cos he thought they had expired.

LAUGHTER

My mother gave me some very good advice about staying married a long time.

She said you must accept the other person for who they are

and pretend they're someone else.

They've been married for ever. They've passed their gold and silver anniversaries.

Their next one is rust.

I myself, I love being married because it's so great to find

that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

And since we've been married for 23 years, let me tell you,

I'm getting on his nerves quite a bit.

At least three times a day, he turns to an imaginary judge and says,

"And that's why I killed her, Your Honour."

LAUGHTER

He says I use his razor to shave my legs,

and I don't, I use it to shave the dog.

Women, I think we say we're wrong more than men, don't you think?

I say I'm wrong all the time. You know why? Cos I don't care.

I'll say it now. You want to hear?

I'm sorry, I was wrong. I'm sorry, I was wrong.

I can say it all day, it makes no difference to me.

I know I'm right.

Cos, men, you don't listen, and women listen too hard.

We hear things you're not even saying.

"You look tired." "Are you saying I look fat?"

I think women are more self-sufficient than men. Don't you think?

If a woman's thirsty, she gets a drink.

If a man is thirsty, he says, "I'm thirsty."

LAUGHTER

And he waits for something to appear.

I think men and women react differently to situations.

If a woman sees a mess, she cleans it up.

If a man sees a mess, he announces it.

"Rita, the dog just threw up at the top of the stairs."

"OK, I'll be there in a second. Try not to do anything about it."

We have pillow fights - not throwing pillows at each other.

We fight about why there are so many pillows on the bed.

And why he's not allowed to put his head on any of them.

But I've explained it to him. I've told him they're decorative pillows,

not pillows for sleeping, but pillows for show.

And he said, "Yes, Rita, but we are the only two people who go into the bedroom.

"Who do we do the little pillow show for?"

And I have to be honest with you,

I don't really know.

I only know that I love my pillows.

And I have to do the show.

I know I've been telling you all about our arguments,

but we do get along so well.

We are so close we don't even have to talk any more because we know what the other person is thinking.

Sometimes I'll be lying in bed and he'll roll over and whisper in my ear, "You're wrong."

LAUGHTER

And I don't care because I know I'm right.

And sometimes he'll be lying there and I'll whisper in his ear,

"Pick up your head, that's a decorative pillow."

Thank you so much for having me here.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentleman, Rita Rudner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As usual, I want to cast someone in the audience to star in our trailer for next week.

There are many ways to get noticed and climb the greasy pole of fame.

One way is talent, another is beauty.

Or you could do what I did and bribe your way to the top.

Yes, it's time for...

# Give it away, give it away Give it away now

# Give it away, give it away Give it away now. #

We asked everyone in our audience to bring in one item they think they can bribe Sarah or Alice with

to guarantee themselves a place on our sofa at the end of the show.

First, we've got Adelina Miller. Where are you, Adelina?

-Hello!

-Hello.

-What have you got to offer?

-I have made a giant cupcake

because I know Sarah likes cake.

-Aw!

-And it's got a special chicken on top for Alice to bite the head off.

That is sweet, that is nice.

Well played.

You like a cake, though, don't you?

-Yeah.

-You're obsessed with cakes, I know this.

-I'm not obsessed.

-Obsessed enough to have taken photographs of cakes.

I do take photos... Well, they go so quickly - really quickly.

Um...so I take a photo...

-Before you eat them?

-Yeah, or it's just an empty, licked-clean plate.

-Alice, are you a cake man?

-No. I'm thinking about the chicken though.

Is it a marshmallow chicken?

Do you want it to be?

-LAUGHTER

-Why are you turning this into some sort of Babestation?

This chicken can be anything you want it to be.

But it's not live. Do you eat them live?

No, I don't... It's not live, it's not worth it, really.

-To be fair, you've never actually eaten a live animal, have you?

-No.

In the beginning of my career, they said don't deny it because they love the fact

that you killed this chicken. I never killed a chicken. The audience killed the chicken.

In fact, the first three rows, all in wheelchairs, killed the chicken.

Meals on wheels.

Yes, that's it, that's it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Gavin Molloy, what have you got to offer?

My bribe to Sarah and Alice is to have a game of golf with me

using my special club which I believe was owned by Harry Vardon a mashie niblick,

-which I'm sure Alice is familiar with.

-Oh, yeah.

-Are you aware of the mashie niblet?

-Oh, absolutely.

-Niblet?

-You can't eat that.

-Who did the club belong to?

-Harry Vardon, one of the greatest British golfers ever.

So great that no-one in this room has heard of him.

I have heard of him. The Vardon Trophy.

-The Vardon Grip.

-Yes, and the Vardon Grip.

What's the Vardon Grip?

-The Vardon Grip is an overlaid grip.

-Show me.

Can we borrow the club to demonstrate the Vardon Grip? Can you bring it down?

-OK, demonstrate the grip for me, Alice. Are you a good teacher.

-Yes.

-OK, your left hand...

-I've got a left hand, yes.

Hold it like this - Harry Vardon Grip.

-It's like that.

-Right.

Right there, that's... That's a very good club.

Go ahead, try it. Don't hurt yourself.

No, no, no. OK.

-Am I supposed to grip this with firm pressure?

-No. Left hand firm.

-Right hand like you're holding a bird.

-Which bird?

LAUGHTER

Posh Spice.

-So...like that?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's pretty good.

-Do you play golf?

-I've had a couple of rounds,

but you've played a round with Tiger Woods... I'll re-phrase that.

But you've played a round with Tiger Woods.

I've hit golf balls with Tiger Woods.

Just to keep it even, would you demonstrate how to eat a cake, Sarah?

Yeah.

-Shall I go and...

-I genuinely was only joking, but you're going,

"No way, I'm having a bit of cake."

But you've had a go with the bat.

The bat?!

It's not a bat.

-I'm having some icing.

-Oh, I can't stop her, she wants some cake.

You can taste it, Millican, you can taste it.

Bloody hell!

I think she's made it with lead.

D'you know what? I've been genuinely told upstairs,

"Can you tell her we don't know this woman very well, don't eat it."

-Am I allowed to smell it?

-You can smell it, yeah.

I'll have a taste.

Aw!

He's bit its head off.

Finally it's true.

-Finally you have bitten a chicken's head off.

-There.

So, Alice and Sarah, what's it going to be - Adelina's cupcake

-or Gavin's golf club?

-Do we have to decide it together?

Well, yes. You don't have to get married, but you get one prize.

I would say, since we both tasted the cake...

-It was good, wasn't it?

-Yeah, and she may have the antidote.

Ladies and gentlemen, promoting next week's show is Adelina with her cupcake.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's that point in the evening when I say the words, "Do you want to come back to my place?"

-AUDIENCE: No!

-It was rhetorical.

PHONE RINGS

Lee Mack's All-Star Cast. Oh, hello, Beyonce!

Yeah, loved you at Glastonbury last week. Had a great time.

Apart from overflowing loos, empty beer cans and smell of wee.

But that's the problem with watching it at home. Bye.

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's TV's Patsy Kensit.

First things first - can you sign my poster?

-I was in Lethal Weapon 2.

-I know. I want you to sign Mel Gibson's name.

People on eBay can recognise my handwriting.

So, my agent said you wanted to have a chat about me possibly

-coming on your show.

-Absolutely.

-If you can find a way of returning the favour.

-What do you mean?

You scratch my back, I'll scratch your front...back! The thing is,

-I don't want to do comedy much longer.

-That's a relief! I mean shock.

I've always wanted to be an actor in a medical drama. I thought you could help me.

How can I help you?

You're in one. You played Emma.

-What?

-You played Emma Dale in Holby Farm.

I played Faye Morton.

And Holby isn't a farm, it's a city.

These urban developers are ruining the countryside.

Sorry, soap's not my strong point.

Yeah, I noticed that.

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's my beloved landlady, Miss Drent.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Have you been crying?

-Yeah, I had a horrible nightmare

that I was a huge international rock star and they made me wear women's clothes just to get a cheap laugh.

-Pay the rent!

-All right.

Don't bite my head off.

-I mean really, don't bite my head off.

-You got one week.

Have you been talking to the head of BBC?

APPLAUSE

Come on, Patsy, I reckon my face will be perfect for a hospital drama.

It would work better on hospital radio.

I know, let's improvise a scene now.

Right, I'll be the patient, which means you are...

-The vet?

-..the nurse.

Go on, play along.

OK, let's say you've been brought to the hospital with a broken bone.

-Funny bone?

-Why not go with a bone that you actually use?

Pretend you've broken your coccyx.

Has that got a bone in it?

It's round the other side.

It's definitely broken if it's round the other side.

Think of your motivation.

Imagine a fish biting your finger and then chucking it in a bag.

As if that would happen!

But OK, no problem. Check this out for acting.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-It's true, you know.

-Yeah, right(!)

I've not been feeling myself recently.

Oh, come on, Patsy, it'll be perfect for me - getting paid to lie in bed all day with the occasional bed bath

and I can still claim incapacity benefit.

I think you're getting reality mixed up with fiction.

No, I'm not. But whilst you're here, can you have a look at this?

I'm not a real nurse.

That's all right, I'm not a real patient.

Is that what this is all about?

Getting me round here so that we can play doctors and nurses?

Course not. I was thinking more mummies and daddies.

You know what? You are sick!

See? I told you I was convincing.

Right, Kensit!

Back away from the bloke with the bad hair and the dodgy skin and the body odour.

-I wish people would stop improvising.

-What the hell...

is going on?

Sorry, just really wanted a part in Lethal Weapon 5.

No doors were harmed in the making of that sketch, but a choir member may have lost the will to live.

Right, let's meet the final members of tonight's cast.

Yes, it's time for...

# When will I, will I be famous

# For 15 seconds? #

Marvellous.

Yes, 15 seconds of fame, and first up, she's back.

It's our reigning champion, Anna Devitt. Hello, Anna, are you there?

-Hi, Lee, I'm here.

-Has it been a good week for you?

-It has, actually. I got recognised on Saturday.

-Did you?

-Where?

-A car-boot sale.

-Well, it's going from strength to strength!

-What did they say to you?

-"Are you the singing belly off the telly?"

LAUGHTER

-What did you say?

-"Yes, I am!"

I'll tell you what, it's a hell of an anecdote.

And...wow.

Anna Devitt, once again, it's time for your 15 seconds of fame.

# Somethin' kinda ooh

# Jumpin' on my toot-toot

# Somethin' 'side of me

# Wants some part of you-oo

# Somethin' kind ooh

# Makes my heart go boom, boom

# Somethin' 'side of me

# Wants a part of you-oo. #

KLAXON

-APPLAUSE

-Have you ever thought of singing out of any other holes

and forming a barber-shop quartet?

Ladies and gentlemen, Anna Devitt!

-Our next contender, it's Graham Cowling. Are you there, Graham?

-I am.

Where are you calling from tonight?

-I'm calling from my front room.

-Right.

It could have been a train station!

I'm trying to work out if that clock is normal size,

or you're a Borrower.

So tell me, what are you going to do for us?

-I am the human klaxon.

-You're a human klaxon?

OK, at the end of the 15 seconds, we usually have a klaxon.

Why don't we just get rid of the klaxon and you can be the klaxon

-at the end of the 15 seconds?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Not sure what you'll do in the 15 seconds but we'll go with that.

Here we go. Graham Cowling, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

Here we go, then.

One banana, two banana...

There isn't a second hand on that clock.

I don't know why he's looking at it.

HE IMITATES KLAXON

-APPLAUSE

-That's quite good!

I'm impressed with that. I like that. Well done, Graham.

Can he do a bike-horn noise?

-Sarah's got a question for you.

-Can you do a bike-horn noise?

A bike-horn noise? What's that?

LAUGHTER

-Like a..."Ah-ha". Like that.

-That's nice. That's nice.

-Ah-ha!

-It's like going out for a drink with the Muppets with you two!

We could form a double-act!

OK. Have we got Jordan?

Hello. The angle of this is looking a bit suspect.

Where you calling us from? Prison?

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Sorry, say it again.

-It's like a prison.

-Right, where are you?

I'm in Wales.

LAUGHTER

-Before anyone complains, HE said it.

-I

-didn't!

Jordan, what are you doing for us tonight?

-Er... I'm in a band called The Rookz.

-OK, band called The Rookz. Yeah.

I've Got A Monster In My Pants.

-You've got a monster in your pants?

-I have.

-That's the name of the song?

-That is the name of the song.

-Right.

What could possibly go wrong? You look half-naked.

You're telling me you've got a monster in your pants.

This is your 15 seconds of fame.

Okey-doke.

# I've got a monster in my pants Do you wanna dance with me? #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

KLAXON

That is marvellous!

Do you know what?

McFly have let themselves go.

Hello, lads! I say "lads" - with those man boobs, it's hard to tell!

Are you actually a band or just friends who can't afford clothes?

-We ARE a serious band...

-No, you're not! You're not!

Let me stop you there. You're not a serious band! Do you do professional gigs?

We do professional gigs. We've done gigs for The Saturdays.

You've done gigs for The Saturdays? Have you done gigs ON Saturday?

-Yeah?

-We've done gigs on Saturday, Friday, Sunday, Monday.

Every day. Weekly.

It's like talking to Craig David over the Internet!

Listen. Thanks, guys. That was very different, I think you'll agree.

-That was Jordan and The Rookz.

-Thank you.

-I like them.

-I like them, too.

-I like them. A lot!

OK, Alice and Sarah, who do you want to crown as this week's Famous For 15 Seconds winner?

-What do you think?

-I still like the cup cake.

Stay with the cup cake.

It's like being out with your granddad, isn't it!

-I like the boys in their pants but maybe for the wrong reasons!

-Right.

-You like the boys in their pants. OK.

-I'd go with that.

-You'll go with the boys in their pants?

-Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, our winner of 15 Seconds Of Fame. Congratulations, The Rookz! You are the champions!

Lads, how does it feel - firstly that you'll be back next week

but, more importantly, you were chosen by Sarah Millican

-and rock legend Alice Cooper?

-Oh, we're over the moon.

Don't mention the word "moon" in those pants!

LAUGHTER

Are you available next week?

-Yeah, probably.

-A minute ago, you were busy every day!

Monday, Tuesday. Can you make next week?

-WELSH ACCENT:

-Oh, aye, we can do that! Any time you like!

Brilliant! Let's hear it for The Rookz.

If you want to be in Famous For 15 Seconds

and take part in All Star Cast next week, go to...

That's all we've got time for tonight. Big thanks to all the members of my cast.

-Alice Cooper! Sarah Millican!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rita Rudner!

Patsy Kensit!

And of course, Mandy!

And our wonderful studio audience.

Playing us out with Kinda Girl You Are, give it up for the Kaiser Chiefs!

CHEERING

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# I first heard you on the radio

# I felt my heart explode

# I heard a voice, no other choice I fell in love with you

# Through St Bartholomew To Baxter Avenue

# No-one can do what you do, oh

# I thought you were American Oh, oh, oh

# I loved you, American Oh, oh, oh

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# Then I saw you in the centre-fold

# But you were looking cold

# In just an awfully-positioned piece of mistletoe

# Mentally dressing you I wanna rescue you

# To make you mine, oh Mine, oh, yeah

# I thought you were a miracle Oh, oh, oh

# I thought you were a miracle Oh, oh, oh

# Hey!

# I thought you were incredible Oh, oh, oh

# I thought you were incredible Oh, oh, oh

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are

# I only wanna see the

# I only wanna see the kinda girl you are. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

On next week's show, Katie Price, Rhod Gilbert and Scouting For Girls.

As ever, I'll be making stars of the audience - for a price!

I gave Alice Cooper a marzipan chicken and now he's my friend!

I'm so sorry, Alice.

LAUGHTER

E-mail [email protected]