Episode 4 Lee Mack's All Star Cast

Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, the show that takes ordinary people like me

and propels them to the level of ordinary people reading out loud!

Job done. Sort of. Roll titles!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Hip to be square

# Oh, hip to be square

# Oh, it's hip to be square

# Oh, it's hip to be square

# Oh, hip to be square! #

Ladies and gentlemen! My house choir, the Gospel Honest Truth!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How do you fit ten choir singers on the back of a mini?

Not my problem, but good luck with tonight's taxi...

Yes, good evening and welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast,

the show that not only has fantastic celebrity guests,

but also gives the audience the chance to star.

In my all-star cast tonight, you'll find her face on bedroom walls across the land,

It's Katie Price!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You'll find his phone number on toilet walls throughout the Cardiff area,

it's Rhod Gilbert!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We've got stand-up from the brilliant Danny Boy...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..and performing their brand new single, it's Scouting For Girls!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Sadly, there were some people we weren't able to cast for the show this week.

We couldn't cast Kate Moss.

She's on her honeymoon, after getting married to lead singer of the Kills, Jamie Hince.

The wedding was a Class A affair, sorry, classy affair...

LAUGHTER

There he is, looking dashing in powder blue.

There she is, looking beautiful in powder white.

At £10,000, the cake was the talk of the reception.

Well, the supermodels kept bringing it up all night.

-LAUGHTER

-Come on!

There were many celebrities there and the presents looked fantastic.

That's the perk of inviting Snoop Dogg, I suppose.

Well, he's world class "wrapper".

AUDIENCE GROANS

Be honest!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Tom Cruise can't be with us tonight.

He's apparently been having trouble with his snoring.

Did you read about this?

According to reports, he's built a soundproofed room in his house which has been nicknamed the snoratorium.

He's done it because he doesn't want to trouble his wife at night.

We've all heard that rumour.

Victoria Beckham can't be here as she's about to give birth. She's looking forward to it, saying,

"It's not so much gaining a daughter as it is losing 9lb 6oz."

It's going to be the fourth caesarian for Victoria.

What's wrong with the old fashioned way like other celebrities

and adopting a child from the third world?

Luckily, we have been able to cast you, the studio audience!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

As ever, I'm looking to cast one of you to join me in my sketch later on.

Tonight I'm after someone to play the part of a great inventor.

We asked everyone before the show what genius innovations they could come up with.

For example, I've invented a great way of always getting a seat on the bus.

I just walk on and go, "Aargh! Ein! STEIN! Argh!"

Works every time.

Joking.

Me? On a bus?

Let's have a look at our first budding inventor!

LAUGHTER

That is an amazing face.

-What's your name?

-Bernie Cook.

-Bernie Cooke?

-Yes.

If your second name is Cook and your first name is Bernie...

I never thought of that!

That's like being called Inflammable Fireman.

There's a cartoon that didn't catch on.

What's your invention?

It's an intercommunication device for talking to children who are watching the television.

You don't know the audience, you might want to simplify.

-It's a box with a hole in it you stick on your head.

-Nice.

How does that work?

Well, it's shaped cunningly like a television set...

-When you say, "cunningly"...

-It looks like a television set.

Not very cunning, that.

Shaping it cunning like a television set, you'd shape it like a squirrel.

LAUGHTER

When you go to call the kids to dinner and they don't come because they're watching the television,

you sidle in front of the television wearing the communicator,

and are able to intercept the communication between the children and the television

and inject your own message, to whit,

"Your dinner's ready."

With or without a box on your head, I would be transfixed by you anyway.

Thank you.

It's not a compliment.

LAUGHTER

-Thanks, Bernie.

-Pleasure.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's look at someone else.

LAUGHTER

You've invented an imaginary phone?

Not quite.

What's your name, madam?

I'm Kelly, I'm from Darwen in Lancashire.

-I was brought up in Darwen.

-Really?

-Aye.

-So was I.

-I know, you've already told me that.

LAUGHTER

-Have you invented a deja vu machine?

-It's better than that, you'll like it.

What about a deja vu machine?

LAUGHTER

Tell me, what's your invention?

-My wonderful invention is...

-We'll be the judge of that.

It is! It is the nose sock.

-The what?

-Nose sock.

-OK.

-Basically...

-We pretty much know how this is going to work.

-Does it involve a nose and a sock?

-It's designed to fit on your nose to keep your nose warm in winter.

Why should your nose suffer in the cold?

You've got a good conk on you there, Lee.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

It would benefit a nose sock!

It would make a good contraception as well.

People would look at you and go "She's mental, not going near her."

OK, let's have a look at someone else.

LAUGHTER

Why do I suddenly feel like I've been naughty?

Where are you, madam?

I'm here!

-What's your name?

-Jo.

-Jo.

-Yeah.

What is your great idea?

My great idea is to have celebrity faces on toilet roll.

Right.

You could have celebrities that you like, or possibly dislike.

Why have celebrities you like?

-What do they get out of that?

-You could wipe a smile on their faces.

LAUGHTER

-Is that a little tagline for the advert?

-It is!

Thanks very much to all our budding inventors, it's time to make a decision.

I think that we have to pick...

..Bernie!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well done, Bernie, we'll see you later.

Should we crack on and meet my guests?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Move your body higher Higher h-h-higher

# Move your body higher, higher...#

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

My first guest tonight is a woman who is an author, a model, a businesswoman and a TV star.

She's got fingers in more pies than Chris Moyles at a buffet with no cutlery.

My second guest is the best thing to happen to Wales since the UN banned harpoons.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Katie Price and Rhod Gilbert!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I throw my hands up in the air sometimes

# Saying ayo Gotta let go

# I wanna celebrate and live my life

# Saying ayo Baby, let's go

# Ayo-o-o. #

-Hiya.

-How are you?

-I'm good.

Are we hugging?

I feel a bit awkward.

I'll do it, go on.

Ugh, ugh.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I don't do the man-hug.

-No?

-I don't like the man-hug.

-Why not?

-I think it's odd.

-Do you?

-It's become too... Like the kiss at the end of the text.

That's too casual now.

-Oh, you mean putting a little kiss?

-Too much false love.

I thought you meant doing a text and kissing someone next to you.

This is the sexiest sofa we've had on the series so far.

Because, obviously, Katie, you are Loaded's cover girl of the decade.

That was years ago, when I was young.

Yeah, because you are pig ugly now(!)

-This is going to kill you.

-You're pointing at me now!

-You know where this is going!

-Rhod...

-Shut your face.

-Listen...

-Shut your face!

-You accept the awards, you get them read out.

-I...

Wales' Sexiest Male 2010.

AUDIENCE: Woooo!

Wales' Sexiest Male. Bear in mind, the other contenders where Huw Edwards, Neil Kinnock and Ian Rush.

LAUGHTER

I think we have shots of them, actually.

-Huw Edwards, he was up for it.

-You joke, he was in the top 50!

-Was he?

-He was!

Neil Kinnock.

LAUGHTER

And Ian Rush.

LAUGHTER

Recognise the body?

Its not yours!

LAUGHTER

-It's Leandro, your other half.

-Is it?

-That's his body.

-I was looking at the hands and I thought,

it's not an ex ex, because his hands are too big.

Have you committed him to ink?

I know, I'm sad.

Where have you got the tattoo?

Oh, there.

I'll bend over.

Aww, looks a bit like "Lee", actually.

-Has Leo got a tattoo?

-He has.

-Where's his?

-Same place.

Is it there?!

LAUGHTER

Rhod, what about you, are you a tattoo man?

-I do have a tattoo.

-Where?

It's on my shoulder.

I didn't want it, I hate it, it's horrible.

It's a cushion with a Battenburg on it, on fire.

LAUGHTER

-How have you got that?

-I had that for a programme I do called Work Experience.

I do different jobs, and the thing I did that week

was be a tattoo artist.

They said if you do it on someone else, you need to experience what it's like...

S o I had to try and choose something.

I had a look through their charts on the wall, couldn't find anything, so I looked in the Argos catalogue.

You didn't!

Thought, "What do girls like?" So I ended up with a cushion, on fire to make it look a bit tough...

-Did it work?

-I don't know how the Battenburg came about.

-Can I have a look?

-Yeah.

-Let's have a look.

-How much do I need to take down?

Take it off till we can see the tattoo!

That's Battenburg for you, it stays fresh.

LAUGHTER

I thought you were joking!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Did you think I was joking to this point?

Do you know what the stupid thing is? They made me have one and...

The stupid thing is, you've got Battenburg on your back!

I should have had a tiny little one, they just said, "You've got to have one."

It didn't occur to me not to have something big. Halfway through I wanted him to stop

but I don't want half a Battenburg!

You'd be an idiot!

-Wouldn't you?

-Who'd have half a Battenburg?

It was a very traumatic experience.

Katie, you've brought out your new book.

That one is out 27th July.

Have you read it?

I did sit down and write it!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, come on!

You are quite open about the fact that some of you write and some of them....

-I've got 40 books out, with that one 41, and Christmas's one, Santa Baby...

-41 books?

-Yes.

You know Ghandi wrote one?

Soon I'll have 42 books out.

What are they about?

I've been doing them for over 10 years. I've got children's books, pony novels,

-the autobiographies...

-Pony novels? What's a pony novel?

-For kids.

-Oh.

And picture books for the younger kids.

Is this one pony?

LAUGHTER

-This is fiction, this is not one of your autobiographies, is it?

-No, that's a novel.

-I'm doing that for the Guinness Book of Records.

-What's the record attempt?

The person I've got to beat is a chess player,

so only 2,000 people.

-You've got to beat him at the most amount of signings?

-That is genuine.

All the people who turn up, their names will be in my Christmas novel, Santa Baby.

What about you, Rhod? Any records you're going for?

-Apart from being the world's sexiest man in Wales.

-Leave it go!

"Let it go", as we say in England.

I haven't got a....

LAUGHTER

You look at records, you think some of them look really doable.

I've always wanted to do one.

Some of them look more doable than others. The world record for eating Ferrero Rocher in one go is five.

-That sounds really...

-Five?

-You think, "That can't be right."

There's one with Jaffa Cakes. I can't do it, eat five Jaffa Cakes in a minute.

-That's easy!

-It's not.

-They sound easy, they're not.

Get five Jaffa Cakes, I'd like to see you do it in a minute.

-A £50 bet.

-I'll do five Jaffa Cakes.

-I'll bet you £50.

-Go on, shake on it.

-Are you sure it's Jaffa Cakes?

-I'm telling you.

Jaffa Cakes.

-Do you want to bet too?

-Yeah!

-Come on then. There you go.

-We've done the bet, come on.

-Get your money out!

-I want 10 Jaffa Cakes, now!

There is loads written about you, I'm sure loads of it is not true,

-but the craziest thing I've heard...

-Tell me, because I hear loads...

-..Is that you had silicon breast implants removed...

-They're in my drawer.

-And they're in your drawer.

-I've got two sets in my drawer.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

-Up until today, I...

-I was going to put them on eBay for a million pounds for charity.

But what idiot would pay a million pounds?

Me?

-Have you been in my drawers?

-They're not yours, I got them for £50.

I had never seen silicon implants till today.

-Is that...

-That is what's in there.

That's what's in there.

-Have you got any in there now or are they normal?

-Course I've got them in there.

-I haven't looked!

-Let him feel.

-I haven't gone like this.

-This is what I feel like.

-What do you do with the ones at home?

-They're in the drawer. They're just there.

They make nice stress balls.

They're weird, don't you think? You can punch them and they don't break.

How did you find that out?!

Look, nothing.

-Don't burst or anything.

-Who punched you in the tits?

-Throw me the other, I feel odd having one.

-Sure. Have you got three? You can juggle.

-Are yours bigger than these?

-What size are they?

-Rhod, let it go!

-Fascinated!

I am bigger, their a 314.

What was it before?

The largest I had was 800.

500 bigger than this?

Rhod, I've got to stop you. News just in,

we have the Jaffa Cakes.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Look at the water I'm drinking!

-Look at how many they've given you!

Right, boys, right, boys.

Explain the rules.

Five Jaffa Cakes each, so take your five.

-Five.

-How long on the stop watch?

-One minute.

-Whatever tactic...

-Five?

-Five.

-Do I shuffle them?

-Let me count.

I could do five tic-tacs in a minute.

You're telling me I can't eat five in a minute?

People I've done it with can't eat it! Look at me, backing down.

Countdown from the audience, from five.

AUDIENCE: Five, four, three, two, one!

£100! My way. £100.

My £100 is not coming...

No water!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Not enjoyable.

Easy! Easy!

-You're not going to do it.

-Oh, my God! You are!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

He is! It's his last one!

He hasn't eaten them!

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Go on, Lee!

CHEERING No way!

KLAXON BLARES

-MUFFLED:

-Absolutely simple!

He didn't eat all them! LAUGHTER

Ugh!

-MUFFLED:

-See? Easy!

LAUGHTER

-I want my £50, guys, come on.

-50 quid, right.

-Yeah, you can have it.

-I love it when I prove people wrong! I love that! Thank you so much!

It's nice to see that the best thing we've done all night is choke on a Jaffa Cake.

Tonight we have a fantastic comedian on the show.

He's just completed a tour of the UK, New Zealand and Australia.

Please welcome the brilliant Danny Bhoy!

# Get up, stand up

# Stand up for your rights. #

Thank you.

I just got back from Australia where I went on a wine tour.

I've never been on a wine tour before.

I've been on pub crawls.

It's not quite the same thing.

If you get your willy out on a wine tour, nobody laughs.

And I mean nobody - the whole bus froze, I didn't know what to say.

"I seem to have misread the situation entirely. I'm very sorry.

"Of course I'll take my seat. Calm down."

People are obsessed by wine nowadays.

I was on the tour with two people from Surrey in England

and they were wine connoisseurs,

which I think is French for wankers.

It was only them two and me on the tour,

which made the whole willy-out thing more embarrassing.

And they're obsessed by wine because they're wine connoisseurs.

People are obsessed by wine - the age of a wine and the region it comes from is very important.

"Do come round. I've just picked up a cheeky little five-year-old."

What? Sorry? Can I speak to Mum, Dad?

"From the Dordogne region." Beer drinkers don't have the same pretentiousness, do they?

You don't go round to a beer drinker's house and he goes, "I'm glad you're here,

"I've just cracked open a three-day-old Special Brew...

"from the Motherwell region."

Do you think when Jesus turned water into wine,

do you think there were connoisseurs at that meeting?

"Bloody good show, Jesus. Well done with the whole trick thing,

"but actually it's white wine with fish,

"but never mind, you did...

"You did very well, you did very well."

I went on this wine tour in Australia

and there was this very posh couple with me

and I didn't really get on with them very well, particularly the bloke.

Dressed like a... He had a tweed suit on.

He looked like a couch, just prodding me every five minutes.

"What are you doing on my wine tour? What are you doing on my...?

"Are you poor? You look poor."

So I was quite... I was fairly nonplussed about the whole thing.

You can go on a tour of the actual vineyards.

We're really there for the wine tasting at the end

and we got to the very first wine tasting and I was sort of here,

his wife was here and he was there.

And he picks up his wine.

"Oh," he says. "That's marvellous! Absolutely marvellous!

"Overtones of blueberry and raspberry and strawberry,

"banana, coconut, lime,

"lemon... Is there lemon? I think there's a lemon."

I'm thinking, "Has this guy got a smoothie?"

Then his wife, she picks up hers. She's got the Chardonnay.

"Very dry, very oaky, very nutty, very almondy."

HE SNIGGERS

And we drink that, then it's my turn, right?

I said, "Maybe skip me out, I don't really know what I'm doing here."

He's very offended. "Don't be ridiculous, monkey boy!

"Are you poor? You look poor.

"Just say the essence of what you smell. You smell and you say.

"It's very instinctive."

I said, "All right, I'll give it a go."

-I picked up my wine and I went...

-HE INHALES DEEPLY

"Mmm! Crushed grapes!"

LAUGHTER

And I was right!

I was the only one that was right. Thank you very much for listening.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Bhoy!

CHEERING

It's not just celebrity guests on the sofa tonight.

There's also a chance for the studio audience to join us. It's time to...

# Give it away, give it away Give it away now

# Give it away, give it away Give it away now. #

Yes, once again we asked everyone in our studio audience

to bring something to bribe our guests with.

The winner as judged by Katie and Rhod

will guarantee themselves a place on the sofa to promote next week's show.

First up, we have Peter Adams.

What have you got to offer?

I am a part-time horse psychologist and I have a session to offer.

Hold that up. What's that in your hand?

He's obviously already been to the shrink.

LAUGHTER

I don't understand why we would want horse psychology.

Surely you normally analyse horses, don't you?

And that may be of interest to Katie.

To be honest, you're so stressed, Rhod, it'd be good for you too.

Katie, are you interested in psychology for your horses.

I am cos quite a lot of my horses are naughty and everyone says it's me.

When you ride... You'd probably know the term, they say I have an electric arse.

We call it a hot arse, you call it an electric arse,

but whatever sort of mood you're in will transfer through to the horse.

How do you turn a sad horse into a happy horse?

-It depends on why he's sad.

-Let's say he's got a wooden leg.

-LAUGHTER

-He'd be glue probably!

You're a great psychologist(!) Is that what you whisper to him?

"You're going to be glue soon."

Cheers, Peter!

OK, Franco Chiara Valotti. Where are you?

Here. I come from Argentina.

I am a Spanish teacher

-and I came here to offer both some Spanish lessons.

-Spanish lessons?

-Can you speak Spanish?

-I can say, "Como estas?"

-Bien, y tu?

-Muchos gracias.

Dos cola, por favor?

Very good. I speak Spanish too.

We both speak Spanish.

Do you speak much Spanish?

I've had one Spanish lesson.

How do you communicate, you and Leo?

Em, he speaks English now.

-Does he speak it well?

-He has lessons all the time.

-So it would be good to improve your Spanish?

-It's just finding the time.

-Tell you what, help us out here.

-I've got some questions to ask,

-but in Spanish.

-You ask questions in Spanish, Rhod can interpret,

-Katie can answer.

-Go on then.

FRANCO SPEAKS SPANISH

I know what he said. "Do you prefer cups of teas in Argentina than in England?"

-I prefer them in England.

-He didn't say that.

He does, didn't he?

No, he said, basically,

"Do you like a bit of Argentinian meat?"

-Specifically...

-Did you really ask that?

-He's just talking about Argentinian steak, aren't you?

-Yes.

-What sort of Argentinian steak do you like?

-I adore Argentinian steak.

It was very tasty when I was out there.

-Thank you very much to Franco.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Martin Lee, where are you?

-I'm here.

-How are you, Martin?

-I'm good, mate.

-And what have you got to offer?

I'm a pro photographer, so I'm going to offer Jordan...Katie, sorry,

if she gets married, I'll do you wedding.

-I'm not getting married again.

-You sure?

It's too expensive to get married and more expensive to divorce. Trust me!

And to be fair, it's... Are you offering it as a free service?

-INHALES

-I don't know about that.

So your bribe is to turn up professionally and take photos for money?

-Well...yeah.

-Brilliant!

You haven't thought that through. That's no bribe.

You're just charging us.

-Are you really not getting married again?

-No.

I'm not. Definitely not.

It's so expensive. Costs me money to get married

and it costs me more to divorce.

Also, if he asked you, you wouldn't understand him.

-He speaks English!

-You'll say, "Earl Grey, please."

-I promise you,

-You could always go in optimistically and think you might not get divorced.

-No.

Honestly, I'm not getting married again. If I did...

I've contradicted myself. ..it'd be very, have to be someone...

You're going to get married again?!

-I'm not. At the moment I'm not, no.

-Not even with a free photographer?

-No.

-Not enough to sway it?

-No.

You've got to make your decision. What's it going to be?

I'd like the horsy, but cos it's both of us, we'd benefit from the Spanish lessons.

Cos you already speak it, it'd be good to do more.

Me, I can't speak it.

I think you're right and he's come all the way from...Buenos Aires.

Well done, Franco, we'll see you at the end of the show.

APPLAUSE

You may think my life is a series of endless parties, and you'd be right,

but as well as moonlighting as a children's entertainer,

I also do all the bookings for this show.

PHONE RINGS

Lee Mack's all star cast.

Ah, Daniel Radcliffe.

What are you going to do for work now that you're unemployed?

It's ironic, you spend your childhood playing a wizard

then, as if by magic, career opportunitiesvanish.

Anyway, it's not just you with problems,

we've now even got dragons roaming round looking for work.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Lee, it's Theo Paphitis.

Lee, it's Theo from Dragon's Den.

I've listened to what you have to say and I've got to tell you,

I'm out.

Oi!

Are we going to talk about me coming on your show, or what?

Yeah, sure. Hang on a second.

Next up, it's London based entrepreneur, Theo Paphitis.

He's looking for 40 minutes of BBC One air time

in exchange for some witty conversation

and interesting anecdotes about how filthy rich he is.

So, you want to come on the show?

What can you offer us?

I can talk to you about my book - Enter The Dragon,

-it's my autobiography.

-What's is about?

What do you think it's about?

Err, about 2.99?

It's about me!

All right, 1.99.

So, let's assume I've investedmoney in this book.

What do I get in return?

Well, you'll learn how I bought a lingerie business for a pound

and took packets of fags and sold it for 100 million.

There's money in knickers.

Yeah, I go to those types of clubs too.

Oh, I am a knicker magnet.

It's a good job you don't sell fridges.

You learn about other businesses as well.

Like stationary. Some call me the stationary king.

Don't you mean the ruler?

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's my beloved landlady, Miss Dent!

What's with the double knockers?

Are you trying to get a cheap laugh?

No.

Yes.

Well, I haven't had it for four weeks so can you give it to me now?

I know you mean the rent, but give me a few more seconds.

Huh, I thought that's all it takes you.

Well, I'll give you another week or I'll do what they do on I'm A Celebrity.

Get me out of here?

No, I'm gonna eat your nuts for lunch.

Hang on, why am I having to pitch to come on your show?

I've had all the big business men pitching to me. That Virgin fella.

What, Branson?

No, Peter Jones.

He's a big lad for 14, isn't he?

He'd probably get a girlfriend

if he stopped letting his mum cut his hair.

Look, am I coming on your poxy show or not?

OK, Theo, this is where I'm at.

I'll say to you what I said to Deborah Meaden,

I like you, you've got balls.

Big balls.

I would rather stick sharp implements in parts of my anatomy which I hold dear than come on your show.

I want 0% involvement.

I'm out.

Fine, if you don't want to be on my show

you won't get to hear about my new business proposition.

Listen, mate, I get propositioned on every street corner.

Blimey, don't you make enough money?

-I'm telling you, this could make millions.

-Go on then, let's hear it.

LEE CLAPS

I've stolen a really good idea.

Not my face.

Hold on, hold on, I like this. I'm in.

I'll be in my office if anybody wants me.

That's left a bad smell in the room. Absorbent stuff.

Let's meet the final members of tonight's cast.

Yes, it's time for...

# When will I, will I be famous?

DEEP VOICE # For 15 seconds. #

First up, our reigning champion, The Rux. How are you, lads?

Very good thank you, Lee.

Is this Jordan I'm speaking to?

It is Jordan, but I'm thinking of changing my name to Katy Price.

Right, nice touch.

Are they underpants or incontinent pants?

You'll find out now.

Please don't tell me.

What are you going to do for us, lads.

This song is called Get It Off.

Well, The Rux, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

# Just get it off, just get it off

# Just get it off, just get it off

# What's with the fuss?

# Just get it off

# You're very pretty, we discussed

# Whoa! Stop being such a tease... #

BUZZER

Katie, Rhod, what are we thinking?

You don't want to know, mate.

-They sound like they're from near where I'm from.

-Where are you from, guys?

We're from Swansea.

I'm about 15 miles away. Very proud, boys, very proud.

-Yeah, very proud.

-Thank you very much.

We wore the Welsh colours for you.

Very nice touch. Just to let you know,

you're looking at the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth

sexiest men in Wales.

Thanks a lot Jordan and The Rux.

Thank you.

OK, Rudy Barrow. Are we there, Rudy?

-Hello.

-What's that moving behind you?

-Moving?

-There's something moving behind you.

-That's the fish.

-Oh, right. Scared the life out of me.

What's your fish called?

It hasn't got a name.

You haven't got a name for your fish?

-How does he know to look at you when you're talking?

-He's a fish.

There's something else moving. One of the fish is escaping!

In a dress.

There's a human being behind you or am I going mad?

That's my girlfriend.

Has she got a name?

-Dolcie.

-Dolcie. Right.

Does she live behind the banister?

Hello, Dolcie.

Rudy, what are you going to do for us?

I'm going to sing you a song.

Oh, beautiful. Rudy Barrow, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

BADLY OUT OF TUNE: # You're once...

KLAXON

APPLAUSE

LEE LAUGHS

Ever get the feeling some people don't FULLY understand the format?

He's the only singer I've seen who hasn't bothered standing up.

LAUGHTER

I've never seen a singer just perform from a desk chair before!

Ladies and gentlemen, Rudy and his 15 seconds of fame. Thanks, Rudy!

"Lilak" Chen...? Have we got you there, Lilak?

-Lilach. I know it's weird.

-Lilachh! You don't want me doing that tonight

with the Jaffa Cakes I'VE got in me throat.

-What are you going to do for us tonight?

-I'm going to finger-dance.

Don't say anything...

-Don't say it? OK.

-Don't say it.

Lilach Chen - this is your 15 seconds of fame.

OK...

MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run-DMC

KLAXON

-APPLAUSE

-Lilach Chen there!

-That's good, isn't it? Pretty impressive.

-I liked that. Different.

I'd give you a bit of advice, your fingers are like Take That -

I like the four of them, but I'd lose the little fat one.

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

Lilach Chen. Let's hear it for Lilach.

OK, Hank...Osasuna?

Yes.

-Is that your collection of teddy bears?

-Only some of them.

-How many have you got?

-About a thousand.

Very slowly... What's in the cupboard?

LAUGHTER

If that's what he's PREPARED to show us,

God knows what's behind those doors!

What are you going to do for us?

I'm going to do an impression of an old blues man.

OK. Which blues man?

It's me - pretending to be an old blues man.

LAUGHTER

At least he's explained it...

I was wondering what you meant by "impression".

LAUGHTER

OK. This is your 15 seconds of fame.

UNINTELLIGIBLE "BLUES SINGING"

LAUGHTER

Heh-heh-hehhh!

Yeah!

KLAXON

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Katie - first impressions.

Well, I wasn't expecting that, put it that way...

Not many of us were. Rhod?

-Where did you first realise that you could do that?

-LAUGHTER

I was in Tesco's.

Tesco's!

Hank, that was your 15 seconds of fame. Thank you very much.

Who are we going to have?

I would say the er...the breakdancer. Only because she actually did her 15 minutes and not just once.

That was 15 MINUTES(?) I must have had a blackout halfway through that!

-15 seconds!

-She did her 15 seconds.

I'm going to go with the fella... I just think he's really cool, the way he just sits in an office chair.

-It's a split decision - I'm going to make the decision for you.

-Go on.

It's going to have to be Rudy.

Ladies and gentlemen - it's Rudy, and his 15 seconds of fame!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Will you come back and join us next week?

-I will indeed!

When you have a name for all your goldfish,

let your girlfriend out from under the stairs.

LAUGHTER She's over there. Come 'ere...

Yeah, let me prove you're real cos she sounds imaginary.

-Where is she?

-Hello.

-Hello there, how are you doing?

-I'm fine, thank you.

-Is that Mickey Mouse on your T-shirt?

-Yes.

-See - that mouse has got a name, do the same for the fish!

LAUGHTER

Right, we'll see you next week, Rudy!

He's the champion of 15 Seconds of Fame!

See you, Rudy.

And if you want to take part in the All Star Cast next week, go to:

That's it for tonight, so big thanks to all the members of my cast -

-Katie Price...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rhod Gilbert...

Theo Paphitis... Danny Bhoy...

And of course Bernie - and our wonderful studio audience.

Playing us out with their new single Love How It Hurts, it's Scouting For Girls!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

# I've been waiting

# All my life

# For someone like you to come mess with my mind

# Someone crazy

# Someone who

# Someone who'll love me the way I loved you

# I keep searching

# And what's worse

# Now that you're gone all that's left is the hurt

# And three little words

# It's all that I've got

# Three little words

# Like it or not

# Tell me you noticed Tell me you heard

# For you I'd have run to the ends of the earth

# I couldn't keep you But I'll keep my word

# It's the most beautiful pain in the world

# I love how it hurts

# I've been trying

# Since you left

# Trying to fix all the bits that you wrecked

# I'm just waiting

# Till it mends

# Then I'll let you break it again and again

# And three little words

# It's all that I've got

# Three little words

# Like it or not

# Tell me you noticed Tell me you heard

# For you I'd have run to the ends of the earth

# I couldn't keep you But I'll keep my word

# It's the most beautiful pain in the world

# And I love how it hurts

# I've been losing my mind

# I pretend that it's fine

# Trying to keep it together while I crumble inside

# You got a friend at the end of the line...

# Well, give me a moment Give me a chance

# Give me the hurt I know we can last

# Give me a moment Give me a chance

# Give me the hurt I know we can last

# Tell me you noticed Tell me you heard

# For you I'd have run to the ends of the earth

# I couldn't keep you But I'll keep my word

# It's the most beautiful pain in the world

# And I love how it hurts

# I love how it hurts

# I love how it hurts

# I love how it hurts

# I love how it hurts

# I love how it hurts

# I love how it hurts

# I love how it hurts

# This is my journey

# This ain't the end

# I'm waiting here till I see you again. #

APPLAUSE, CHEERING AND WHISTLING

On next week's show we've got Joan Collins and Ross Noble.

Take it away, Franco!

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

-Katie, you speak Spanish - what did he say?

-He wants a cuppa.

Tea. LAUGHTER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd