Episode 5 Lee Mack's All Star Cast

-Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast. The show that makes stars of people like me...

-And me...

-And me...

-And me.

-Not you.

Roll titles.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here

# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here

# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here

# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here

# Woo-hoo! #

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my house choir, the Gospel Honest Truth!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They stand on the stairs in my house like that.

Makes going to the loo in the middle of the night a bit embarrassing!

Good evening, and welcome to the show.

In my All Star Cast tonight, she's Hollywood nobility,

it's Joan Collins!

CHEERING

He's Ross Nobility, it's Ross Noble!

CHEERING

We've got stand up from the brilliant Tom Stade!

CHEERING

And performing their latest single, we've got music from The Wanted!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sadly, there were some people

we weren't able to cast for the show this week,

like the Beckhams, of course,

as Victoria's taking it easy

after giving birth to a baby girl this week.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Harper Seven. The middle name Seven

comes from the back of David's shirt.

I did the same thing with my kids, A Hundred Percent Acrylic

and Dry Clean Only.

Victoria had a cesarean, she was worried

about the paparazzi outside the front entrance.

Apparently it was a difficult pregnancy.

Victoria was constantly bothered by headache, back pain and bunions.

I think that's what the other kids are called.

-APPLAUSE

-You're right to clap!

We couldn't catch Rebekah Brooks tonight. Apparently no-one at The News of the World saw this coming

which is particularly embarrassing for celebrity atstrologer Mystic Meg.

I'm starting to doubt her abilities!

To be fair, Rebekah Brooks has claimed she's been the victim of hacking too.

I can see that, look what they did to her hair!

In the final edition of The News of the World staff covertly had a dig at her in the crossword.

Right? Can't believe she missed them, they were pretty obvious.

Two across, looks like Mick Hucknall and hasn't got any integrity.

It turns out the answer to that is actually Mick Hucknall.

They obviously weren't very subtle with the crossword

but that's nothing compared to the spot the difference.

Sorry, if you're watching, it's just a joke.

They won't be watching, most of them live in Borneo.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We also haven't been able to cast any of the residents of Congham in Norfolk

as they've all been watching the snail racing championships.

True story, did you hear about this?

The winning snail clocked up a record-breaking time of two minutes to complete the 30cm course,

although I regularly see snails do 20m in two seconds

when I chuck 'em over me neighbour's fence.

You do get the occasional cheats as well, apparently.

One snail tried to speed up by removing its shell

but it made him more sluggish.

The winning snail complained about only getting a small bit of lettuce as his prize,

but organisers said, "Don't worry, that's just the tip of the iceberg."

-AUDIENCE GROAN

-Shut it!

But luckily we have been able to cast you, the student audience!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again I'm looking for someone to join me in my sketch show

later in the show and tonight

I need someone who can play the part of an animal.

Now, it can be any animal but I'll be asking you why you thought of it

so think of your motivation.

In my case it would be the terrible day I found Nemo

floating in the top of the fish tank.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Thinking about it, Nemo was a weird name for a dog!

So everyone, prepare your animal faces. Three, two, one, Jumanji!

MUSIC: "King of the Swingers" from The Jungle Book

It's like the waiting room at Animal Hospital!

OK, some great faces there, right let's have a look at our first animal.

Which animal are you trying to inflate and which end are you blowing it up from?!

-What's your name?

-Claire.

-Hello, Claire. What animal was that?

-A chicken!

-What was your motivation?

-Basically, I was on a first date

in a park, a picnic in a park,

and then randomly a lady selling live chickens walked past.

-So...

-Whoa, sorry!

Where were you, Albania?

-I thought it would be a good idea, my date...

-You bought them?

Yeah! I bought two little baby chickens.

So we carried on our date, but he thought I was a bit odd,

and then I remembered I was going out that night so it wasn't

-convenient for me to take them with me.

-You're not still together are you?

-No!

So I said to him, "Could you look after these until I next see you?"

So I gave them to him and left,

-and needless to say I didn't hear from him again.

-What about the chickens?

Nor them either, which was sad!

-You didn't hear from the chickens either?

-No!

That would have been odd if you'd never heard from him and three weeks later, cluck, cluck!

Cluck?

Cluck, cluck, cluck!

Thank you, Claire!

APPLAUSE

OK, let's have a look at another one of you.

Can I just check, are you house-trained?

-What's your name?

-John.

What animal face were you pulling there?

-The cat.

-The cat, yeah.

Why did you have to check with your wife?

How hen-pecked are you?!

Not as hen-pecked as Claire's ex boyfriend!

Has he done anything to you, this cat?

He sits on my computer desk just to attract attention.

-Yeah?

-And one night for some reason he turned on me.

When you say turned on you... Did he go like this?

What do you mean he turned on you?

Yeah, he got a bit violent and attacked me.

A bit violent?

And were you OK, was everything OK?

No, he bit into my arm and he actually bit a muscle in my wrist.

The next morning I totally lost the use of my left arm.

Your left arm had gone numb?

For a week.

Did the cat really bite you?

Did this cat delete your internet browsing history just after?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, John.

OK, it's time to pick a winner and I think it's just got to be

John and his cat face!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, John we'll be seeing you in the sketch later!

Shall we crack on and meet the guests?

# Way-oh, way-oh

# Walk like an Egyptian. #

My first guest tonight has a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

That's nothing, I had two on my badge when I worked at McDonalds.

My second guest is a comedian and motorcycle-enthusiast who says

that what he loves most about bikes is that if you get it wrong, you die

which is coincidently what the BBC said to me when I got this show.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joan Collins and Ross Noble!

# Oh, don't you know don't you know?

# Oh, beautiful, don't you know?

# Oh, don't you know don't you know?

# Oh, beautiful, don't you know?

# Beautiful people. #

Oh! Well!

-So, hello!

-Hello!

Welcome to the sofa, and well done Ross on getting the memo about getting the same haircut as Joan.

Yeah, it's nice isn't it?

We were arguing over the wigs out the back there.

So, Joan Collins and Ross Noble, or to give you your full titles,

Joan Collins OBE...

-That's right..

-And Ross Noble.

OBE?

-No?

-Oh, my God!

-You're too young.

-Ross Noble, WTF.

-What does that mean?

I couldn't possibly say.

It's a family show and I'm dyslexic so it could mean anything!

Have you had any unfortunate animal experiences, Joan?

I have, actually.

I'm quite frightened of horses, and I was doing a movie in which they wanted me to ride a horse,

they brought out this huge black stallion that was really scary

and every time I went near him

he sort of reared up like this, but my handler was this old, weathered American cowboy-type.

He said, "Honey don't worry about it, horses are great,

"they'll never hurt you."

"Look, I'll show you."

So he went straight to the horse and the horse reared up, kicked him

on the ankle and broke his ankle.

And after that I said, "Bring my stunt double!"

And, Ross have you had any weird animal experiences?

-I have, you've seen those videos!

-I have, yes!

Funnily enough also involves a black stallion.

There's a Lloyds Bank ad they'll never show!

Now, Joan, you are bringing out another book aren't you?

I am, yes! It's my thirteenth. Thirteenth time lucky, yes!

And what is this book about?

Well this book is called The World According to Joan,

and as you may know I'm quite opinionated.

-I've heared rumours.

-Yeah.

-I don't suffer fools gladly and...

-Hello!

I think we're both in trouble!

It's about my opinions,

about things that are going on in the world,

it's about, um, men, morals, manners, everything.

For example, I really get offended

when I see somebody throwing a sweet wrapper or a wrapper of a hamburger

into the street, and people just, they don't even say anything,

they just walk around it.

Would you say anything to them?

Depends how tall they were.

LAUGHTER

That'd be a great image, wouldn't it?

So you're walking around looking for littering dwarves?

-Well, not exactly...

-Grumpy, Sleepy, Dirty. Dirty Dwarf!

That's a great image, the idea of somebody dropping litter

and I see this big posh car with the electric window coming down and Joan going...

Your 13th book, that's amazing.

I know, it is actually,

considering how much work I've done in the theatre and on TV, etcetera,

and I just did some photographs because it's Dynasty's 30 year anniversary.

-Please tell me you were wearing the original clothes.

-I was!

-Were you?

-Yes, can you believe it?

-That's amazing.

There was a certain amount of pinning at the back, I'm afraid.

-Shoulder pads?

-Minimal.

How minimal? Could you still perch a bird on them?

About the size of yours, actually.

-I haven't got shoulder pads, these are my shoulders.

-Oh, ha-ha!

All men...are there any men here with suits? No.

You don't know my audience, do you?

LAUGHTER

Surprised most of them have got trousers on.

-Bloke down there hasn't.

-Did they let you keep all the clothes?

-No.

-I stole them!

-Did you?

-No.

That's a great image of you shoving them in the binbags on the last day.

Sometimes I would say, "Can I wear this home?"

Cos I'm going to a drinks party or a premier or something,

and then it would just end up in my closet and I'd forget it.

-The most important thing is, it's still theft.

-Yes.

All right, sue me already!

That could be your next book, How To Nick Stuff.

Dynasty is very famous for its fight scenes,

there was a lot of fight scenes between you and Linda Evans.

Lot of fight scenes. Yes.

Do you get on in real life?

Um...

LAUGHTER

You know, sometimes a silence can answer so much.

Did you not get on?

It isn't that we didn't get on,

it's that I think we were from different planets.

You know? We were just totally, totally different in every possible way.

Here we've got a still of you and Linda now in one of your famous scenes.

There's a lot of smiling in your face before you were going to do that.

I was going to hit her on the head with a vase. I was thrilled.

Is this an actually scene or is this your coffee break?

-What I love about Dynasty is the dialogue.

-It is good.

It's brilliant and sometimes a little bit camp.

Oh, what, a little bit?!

-Yes.

-I'm going to re-enact some of that dialogue for you.

-Oh, my god.

With the help of Mr Ross Noble.

-Ross.

-What am I supposed to do?

You tell me if this is real dialogue from the show, or fake.

I'm going to make it more realistic, if you could play Krystle.

-OK.

-I'm being you, Joan.

Oh, my god. Lovely. You look like Peter Sellers in something.

-Peter Sellers? That's not a bad look.

-Yeah.

I saw meself on the monitor

and thought it was Noel Edmonds from the '80s.

LAUGHTER

"Welcome to Telly Addicts!"

Here.

You've got quite a feminine face, haven't you, Ross? I never noticed before.

OK, I'll play Alexis, if that's OK. Ross will play Krystle.

-Can you give me some tips on Alexis?

-You just sound like me.

-OK.

-I know your problem.

-I don't sound like that!

-I know your problem.

-I don't sound like that.

-IN GEORDIE ACCENT:

-I know your problem!

-That's better.

-You've got her there.

-I know your problem,

and because I'm a real woman I know how to please a man.

I know how to touch a man and make him quiver, unlike you, Krystle.

No man could ever want you.

Come here and say that to my face, you bitch!

-Fake!

-Hang on.

-Do we fight?

APPLAUSE

Got a bit of shrapnel on Joan Collins there,

-I'm so sorry about that.

-Don't worry.

-So, fake or real?

-I told you, it was fake.

She got it right, it's fake dialogue.

APPLAUSE

Did you at any point in your career think you'd ever go,

"Oh, he got a bit of shrapnel on Joan Collins."?

-Now, Joan, you are a big fan of Twitter, aren't you?

-Yes, I am.

JoanCollinsOBE, if anybody wants to tweet me.

I can't lie, I don't do Twitter, I don't know anything about it,

but I made an effort cos you were coming on,

and I looked at your tweets...

-Oh, you looked at my what?

-Hand on heart, lovely hydrangeas.

-Oh, the hydrangeas.

-I loved them.

-Yes, aren't they pretty?

They're very nice, yeah, cos I like a bit of gardening. Do you like a bit of composting?

Uh, no, I don't do compost.

You know toenails are compostable, I found out recently?

-And hair, chop off hair, all compostable.

-Is this real?

Am I high? Can I just ask, am I actually...

-is this a dream?

-No, it's all happening.

I'm sitting here, Joan Collins on one side,

and you're talking about putting your toenails in compost?!

-You're a big tweeter, Ross?

-I do like a bit of a tweet.

-What's your tweet name?

-I am RealRossNoble.

Is there a fake Ross Noble?

Don't go to RossNoble,

because that is a bloke in Canada just trying to live his life.

Ah.

And he keeps getting, like, hundreds of tweets from, you know, my fans,

it's hard to describe them, Joan, but they're, um, they're unusual people.

-Oh, like you?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

So they send me all kinds of unusual photographs and thoughts and ideas.

-Like what?

-I sent a tweet out and I said, "Whoever sends me the best

"picture of themselves with a tin of beans on their head, I'll retweet it."

-You know people love a retweet, don't they?

-Yes, absolutely.

-Hundreds of people...

-Hundreds?

-Beans on their head.

-No! My, god, I must try that.

-Yeah, do it, beans on the head.

-I've been really missing out, haven't I?

I think my fans might be slightly different to yours.

Caviar on the head.

You can have that, no problem at all.

Please do that, Joan. Please do caviar on the head, that'd be great.

You know who I met, thanks to Twitter?

He now runs a candle shop in Chester. Only Bob Carolgees.

Eh? Joan, Bob Carolgees!

I think I've lived in America too long.

Bob Carolgees was a puppeteer that did Spit The Dog.

-Spit the Dog, Joan. Bob Carolgees!

-And he runs a candle shop?

He runs a candle...

That'd be handy cos if the flames went up and it started burning,

he could go, "pttt" and put it out!

We've got a fantastic stand-up on the show, he's about to go back on the road for a huge UK tour.

Please welcome the brilliant Tom Stade!

# Get up, stand up

# Stand up for your rights. #

Good evening citizens of Britain.

LAUGHTER

I am a married man, I have been married for 16 years.

I'm going to be honest with you, I'm tired!

I am exhausted, I am way, I am over my head!

Nobody trained me for this,

I didn't think I was going to make it this far.

I'm sitting there,

I wished I had a marriage trainer, just somebody sitting there,

going, "All right, Tom! Give me 20 more 'I'm sorry's'!"

"Say it like you mean it! You sound insincere!"

Love being married! Things have changed for me, being married, too.

I have a lot more lists in my life, you know? I love lists.

I like my lists, but lists give me pressure,

because sometimes I will not be able to find what is on the list.

I will sit there in a store for about two hours, sitting there going,

"Oh, my god, I can't find this," then I'll have to ask somebody and say,

"Excuse me, ma'am, can you help me find what aisle the broccoli is in?"

She goes, "I would, but this is Ann Summers."

So I guess I'm just going to buy these glow in the dark cucumbers then.

Think it's going to make a pretty funky salad.

I love my lists, that's why I go to places like Argos,

cos they have a catalogue which is just a really big list.

My woman loves catalogues, all women love catalogues,

cos women are good with catalogues.

My woman will walk into Argos,

she'll flip through that catalogue like she was a Jedi Knight.

She walked up to the catalogue and go...

"That's what I want," and I'm looking at her going, "How did you do that?"

She goes, "I'll show you something else, Tom."

"That's what you want."

And I'm like, "I don't even know what I want,"

then I look at it and go, "Holy shit, that is what I want.

"A trampoline."

Cos I didn't want a trampoline for 129.95.

But for 79.95?

I NEEDED a trampoline.

You can't just buy no trampoline.

You've got to get all your trampoline trimmings.

You've got to get that safety cage,

in case you're a moron and you don't know how to bounce up and down.

Turns out I'm a moron!

Cos I was bouncing from side to side in my safety cage,

and I smashed my head against that safety bar,

and I'm bleeding in the safety cage, thinking,

"Thank God that safety bar was there

"to stop me from landing on that soft grass!"

Thank you very much, Britain, you've been excellent. Thank you!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Stade!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what? I think, once again, it's time for...

# You've got the look

# You've got the look. #

Yes, before tonight's show, we asked our audience

which famous person they think they look like

and the winner, as judged by Joan and Ross, will join us on the sofa

to promote next week's show.

Now, this should be easy for you this week, Joan,

-because every one of our celebrities tonight has actually met you.

-Oh.

-First of all, we've got Dominic Vines. Where are you, Dominic?

-Yep.

-How are you?

-Very good, thanks.

OK. Ross, Joan, do we know who Dominic thinks he looks like?

Tintin? A bit of Tintin in there.

Is it the...? Oh, no. He's not famous.

It's just a bloke I know.

He can't be a bloke you know.

Hang on! I know who that... Oh, no.

Can I just check, are you Dave from the chippy?

Have you got any clues you can give us?

Used to be married to Sienna Miller.

-Jude Law!

-So, Dominic, who do you think you look like?

-Well, my wife thinks I look like Jude Law.

-OK, let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

It is Jude Law.

-I think that's quite good.

-Yeah, it is.

-It's Jude Law, yeah.

-But he doesn't have hair like that.

He doesn't have a face like that!

He looks nothing like Jude Law.

-So you've met Jude Law?

-I have met Jude Law, at Cilla Black's birthday party.

-OK.

-Are you a big pal of Cilla's?

I am, yes.

You know who used to be Cilla's show, Surprise, Surprise,

as the roving reporter?

Bob Carolgees!

He is, he is. That is true.

I'd swear to it, I'm not making that up.

I bet you Bob Carolgees...

There's not one anecdote that you can say that he can't crowbar in Bob Carolgees.

OK. Thank you very much. That was Dominic Vines. Thank you very much, Dominic.

Now, Parviz Ghodsi. Where are you, Parviz?

"Ghodsi" - have I got that right?

-AUDIENCE MURMUR

-OK, Parviz...

-Blimey, the audience have it already!

-George Clooney!

-I don't think we need any clues.

-APPLAUSE

Hang on, don't clap - we don't know it's right yet! Who do you think you look like?

Brad Pitt!

-It's George Clooney.

-Let's have a look.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

APPLAUSE

-Are you a professional lookalike?

-No, I'm not.

-What do you do?

-I've got a pizza shop.

-Where's that?

-In Essex, Harlow.

-Do you get mistaken for George Clooney?

-Yes, I do. All the time.

What, working in a pizza shop in Harlow?

What, people go, "That's definitely George Clooney"?

You're going, "Oh, yeah. I am George Clooney."

I'm doing the big pepper pot, if you're wondering.

I'm doing the big pepper pot.

Have you met George?

-I've met him a couple of times at a party in New York.

-Nice man?

Very, very charming.

He's got a lot going for him.

Well, he's like one of the top actors at the moment,

but it's, um...

I don't know, he didn't marry that beautiful girl he was going with

for two or three years.

To be fair, he's busy running his pizza shop.

Yes, that's true.

OK. Phil Gamble! Where are you, Phil?

Hi, Phil.

Phil Gamble, there.

And, er...

I'm telling you, if it is, I'm going to kill you.

Joan and Russ. Joan first.

Do we know who Phil thinks he looks like?

Er, well...

Maybe Leonard Rossiter?

-AS LEONARD ROSSITER:

-"My God!"

-Give us a clue!

-Whoever it is...

I tell you what, whoever it is, he's an ugly bastard!

APPLAUSE

He's doing some acting there. He's doing acting faces and stuff.

I have to say, and I don't know if it's a clue or not,

but I personally find him very attractive.

I'm a heterosexual man but I honestly say I would.

In fact, if I've got to be honest, I have!

Can I just ask you, are you...?

He DOES look like somebody.

Should I give you a clue?

What about Peter Sellers as a clue?

Peter Sellers?

You look a bit like Peter Sellers.

APPLAUSE

-I look like Peter Sellers...

-A little bit.

..I think he looks like Peter Sellers. Here's a clue -

it's me.

Oh, it's you!

APPLAUSE

Right, let's have a look.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

If you two had moustaches on, it'd be the Chuckle Brothers!

Go on, do it. You say, "To you." And you say, "To me." Go on.

To you.

-BLEEP

-off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Sorry, Phil, do you actually get recognised as me?

-All the time, yeah.

-And has it ever helped you in any situation?

-Er...

It's been a hindrance to me most of my life.

I did manage to nick your car-parking space out the front.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Phil Gamble from West Sussex.

AKA Lee Mack.

-So, Joan and Ross, the decision's in your hands.

-It's got to be you. It's got to be.

-It's got to be him.

-I think it's got to be George Clooney.

-We're off again!

Why do I have to agree with you?

-You don't have to agree. I make the final decision, you can have your opinion.

-You make this...

-You're going for George?

-Yeah.

-You're going for me?

-Yeah.

I tell you what, why don't we have both?

-OK.

-OK. George Clooney and Lee Mack!

APPLAUSE

We'll be seeing you both on the sofa at the end of the show.

Hey, talking of lookalikes, I had a woman round my house the other day

that didn't half look like one of those dancing judges.

APPLAUSE

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Lee Mack's All-Star Cast.

Ah, Rebecca Brooks.

Oh, no, I can't have you on the show now, after what's happened.

I did leave you a message.

Not on your phone, on Hugh Grant's but I thought you'd still get it.

TAPPING

Come in!

TAPPING

Come in!

RHYTHMIC TAPPING

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Take a day off, love.

Come in, Arlene. Make yourself at home. I'll get you a chair.

Thanks for inviting me on your show. I don't usually do this sort of thing.

Since the Strictly Come Dancing incident,

some comedians just use these shows to make cheap jokes about my age.

To be honest, if I hear one more joke about my age,

I'm liable to punch somebody.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So Arlene Phillips, you were born in...

Don't say the year!

-I wasn't saying the year, I was saying, "Prestwich, Manchester..."

-OK.

"..68 years ago."

Look, if I agreed to come on your show,

could we talk about So You Think You Can Dance?

Of course. Cat Deeley...

is she single?

I don't think she'd be interested!

Fine. Doesn't bother me.

I wouldn't want her round here, She'd scratch the furniture.

I think she's sick to death of cat jokes.

Doesn't matter if she is sick to death, she has another eight lives.

Got any other cat jokes you want to get off your chest?

How do you think I feel?

I have to put up with them all!

APPLAUSE

I'll tell you what, I'm all for getting into character,

but you can clean that up yourself!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ooh!

It's my beloved landlady, Miss Drent!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We need to have words.

Why, didn't you get the script?

I mean about the rent.

You are five weeks behind, unlike the script,

which is 30 years behind.

Look, I promise, I'll have it for you next week. Scout's honour.

Don't believe him! He's not even a real scout!

Bit old to be doing that, aren't you?

Not you!

This is your final warning, ferret-face.

MUSIC: "Theme From Dynasty"

How old are you?

12.

Got something wrong with your hormones?

-I can tell you how to make a

-whore moan.

-Go.

I tell you what, you're good, but you're no Bob Carolgees.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oi, oi! Where you going?

To be honest, I still think you're going to make lots of stupid jokes about my age.

Oh, don't be silly. Come on, sit down!

You of all people shouldn't give up your seat.

That was an accident, I promise.

Arlene, don't go. I promise when you come on the show,

-I won't even mention your age.

-MUSIC STARTS

-What's that?

-Nothing.

# Grandma, we love you

# Grandma, we do

# Though you may be far away

# We think of you. #

Oi, you, stop licking your balls.

Thanks to David Haye for the loan of the mobility scooter.

Let's meet the final members of tonight's cast.

Yes, it's time for...

# When will I, will I be famous?

# For 15 seconds! #

First up, it's last week's winner, Rudy. Are you there, Rudy Barrow?

-Hey. How are you doing?

-Have you named those fish yet?

-Yes, I have.

-Good, what have we called them?

-Right, I've got GI Joe.

-Nice.

Ghost, Goldie, The Godfather, Gatekeeper,

and I've named the little tiddler, Lee.

Good job I've got a three-second memory or I'd have you for that.

Good job I've got a three-second memory or I'd have you for that.

So, what are you going to do for us tonight?

Last week I only got out about two words of my song,

so I'm going to do 15 songs in 15 seconds.

Pretty impressive. Rudy Barrow, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

# You can tell everybody

# You're once, Fame, 21 Seconds, I believe, Holiday, Sweetness

# Billie Jean, True Colours, I Just Called, Beautiful, Jammin'

# Sexy Eye, Sonny, Hello... #

KLAXON SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

Not bad, that's pretty good.

Do you know what, I think you've found your true calling.

Looking after goldfish.

Is he a potential winner, Joan?

I think he's very good.

Very original to do 15 songs in 15 seconds.

You have got the thumbs up from Joan Collins.

Thank you very much, Joan.

Thank you, Rudy Barrow. Let's hear it for Rudy.

APPLAUSE

-Kia Maxfield. Are you there, Kia?

-Hi there, Lee.

-How are you doing?

-I'm fine, Lee.

-What are you going to do for us?

I'm going to sing a song made famous by Mr Louis Armstrong and his mother.

OK, Kia Maxfield, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

AS LOUIS # The colours of the rainbow

AS HIS MOTHER # So pretty in the sky

AS LOUIS # Are also on the faces

MOTHER # Of people passing by

LOUIS: # I see friends shaking hands... #

KLAXON SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

Kia, did you do that live or were you miming?

I was singing it live.

Can you talk that way as well?

AS LOUIS: I can if you want me to.

APPLAUSE

That's amazing.

That's an amazing voice.

Puberty must have been awful for you.

She's a very talented bloke.

You could have some fun with that.

Waking up the next morning after a one night stand.

"Thanks for last night, it were absolutely great!"

"Honestly I can't thank you enough."

Kia Maxfield, let's hear to for Kia!

Thank you. APPLAUSE

Scott Shortland, are you there, Scott?

-Hello, Lee, how are you doing?

-Hi, Joan.

Are you some sort of cult?

Why are the ladies wearing sunglasses?

Having a rough day, Joan, you understand.

-Ooh!

-What did she say?

I think she meant that in a very nice way.

You know how to win over the judges, don't you?

So what are you going to do?

Basically, I'm going to shave my hair off with a new style.

OK, Scott Shortland, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

Thank you, Lee.

Absolute idiot.

KLAXON SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

Let's have a look, come close, closer to the camera.

And the other side. Oh!

Blimey! The last of the Mohicans has gone very middle class.

If you win what will you shave for us next week?

I wondered where Spit the Dog had gone.

If you are picked as the winner, will you promise to spend

all week with that and don't touch your hair?

-Is that a deal?

-That's a deal.

-OK, it's a deal.

-Let's hear it for Scott Shortland.

-APPLAUSE

-OK, decision time. Joan, what do we think?

-Kia and Louis Armstrong.

-The audience aren't disagreeing.

-APPLAUSE

-Ross?

-Well, I will go with Joan.

But to be fair, I think he should stay like that all week.

Congratulations, Kia, you are now the champion of 15 seconds of fame!

APPLAUSE

How do you feel, Kia?

AS LOUIS: I feel fantastic.

-It's brilliant.

-Let's hear it for Kia Maxfield. Thank you!

APPLAUSE

See you next week.

If you want to be in 15 seconds of fame

or take part in the all-star cast next week, go to -

That's it. Thanks to all my members of the cast. Joan Collins!

APPLAUSE

Ross Noble. Tom Staves. Arlene Phillips.

And of course, John.

And our wonderful studio audience.

Playing us out with their new single, Glad You Came, it's The Wanted!

# The sun goes down, the stars come out

# And all that counts is here and now

# My universe will never be the same

# I'm glad you came

# You cast a spell on me, spell on me

# You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me

# I decided you look well on me, well on me

# So let's go somewhere no one else can see you and me

# Turn the lights out now

# Now I'll take you by the hand

# Hand you another drink

# Drink it if you can

# Can you spend a little time

# Time is slipping away

# Away from us so stay

# Stay with me I can make

# Make you glad you came

# The sun goes down, the stars come out

# And all that counts is here and now

# My universe will never be the same

# I'm glad you came

# I'm glad you came

# You cast a spell on me, spell on me

# You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me

# And I decided you look well on me, well on me

# So let's go somewhere no on else can see you and me

# Turn the lights down now

# Now I take you by the hand

# Hand you another drink

# Drink it if you can

# Can you spend a little time

# Time is slipping away

# Away from us so stay

# Stay with me I can make

# Make you glad you came

# The sun goes down, the stars come out

# And all that counts is here and now

# My universe will never be the same

# I'm glad you came

# I'm glad you came

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Who-oh-oh-oh

# I'm glad you came

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

# I'm glad you came

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

# So glad you came

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# I'm glad you came

# The sun goes down, the stars come out

# And all that counts is here and now

# My universe will never be the same

# I'm glad you came

# I'm glad you came. #

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me, Lee Mack, on my show Lee Mack's All-star Cast,

when my guests will be Ugly Betty star, Ashley Jensen,

and pop sensation JLS.

Right, you're a fake, you're a fake, you're a fake. Go.

It's just me and you, Joan.

-I'm not a fake.

-I'll get my coat.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd