Episode 5 Lee Mack's All Star Cast


Episode 5

Lee Mack hosts the celebrity-packed entertainment show. Joining Lee are soap diva Joan Collins, surreal comic Ross Noble, and the hottest boyband on the block, The Wanted.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast. The show that makes stars of people like me...

-And me...

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-And me...

-And me.

-Not you.

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Roll titles.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here

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# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here

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# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here

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# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here

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# Woo-hoo! #

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's my house choir, the Gospel Honest Truth!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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They stand on the stairs in my house like that.

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Makes going to the loo in the middle of the night a bit embarrassing!

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Good evening, and welcome to the show.

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In my All Star Cast tonight, she's Hollywood nobility,

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it's Joan Collins!

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CHEERING

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He's Ross Nobility, it's Ross Noble!

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CHEERING

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We've got stand up from the brilliant Tom Stade!

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CHEERING

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And performing their latest single, we've got music from The Wanted!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Sadly, there were some people

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we weren't able to cast for the show this week,

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like the Beckhams, of course,

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as Victoria's taking it easy

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after giving birth to a baby girl this week.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Harper Seven. The middle name Seven

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comes from the back of David's shirt.

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I did the same thing with my kids, A Hundred Percent Acrylic

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and Dry Clean Only.

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Victoria had a cesarean, she was worried

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about the paparazzi outside the front entrance.

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Apparently it was a difficult pregnancy.

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Victoria was constantly bothered by headache, back pain and bunions.

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I think that's what the other kids are called.

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-APPLAUSE

-You're right to clap!

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We couldn't catch Rebekah Brooks tonight. Apparently no-one at The News of the World saw this coming

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which is particularly embarrassing for celebrity atstrologer Mystic Meg.

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I'm starting to doubt her abilities!

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To be fair, Rebekah Brooks has claimed she's been the victim of hacking too.

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I can see that, look what they did to her hair!

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In the final edition of The News of the World staff covertly had a dig at her in the crossword.

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Right? Can't believe she missed them, they were pretty obvious.

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Two across, looks like Mick Hucknall and hasn't got any integrity.

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It turns out the answer to that is actually Mick Hucknall.

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They obviously weren't very subtle with the crossword

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but that's nothing compared to the spot the difference.

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Sorry, if you're watching, it's just a joke.

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They won't be watching, most of them live in Borneo.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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We also haven't been able to cast any of the residents of Congham in Norfolk

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as they've all been watching the snail racing championships.

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True story, did you hear about this?

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The winning snail clocked up a record-breaking time of two minutes to complete the 30cm course,

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although I regularly see snails do 20m in two seconds

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when I chuck 'em over me neighbour's fence.

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You do get the occasional cheats as well, apparently.

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One snail tried to speed up by removing its shell

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but it made him more sluggish.

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The winning snail complained about only getting a small bit of lettuce as his prize,

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but organisers said, "Don't worry, that's just the tip of the iceberg."

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-AUDIENCE GROAN

-Shut it!

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But luckily we have been able to cast you, the student audience!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Once again I'm looking for someone to join me in my sketch show

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later in the show and tonight

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I need someone who can play the part of an animal.

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Now, it can be any animal but I'll be asking you why you thought of it

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so think of your motivation.

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In my case it would be the terrible day I found Nemo

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floating in the top of the fish tank.

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AUDIENCE: Aww!

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Thinking about it, Nemo was a weird name for a dog!

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So everyone, prepare your animal faces. Three, two, one, Jumanji!

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MUSIC: "King of the Swingers" from The Jungle Book

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It's like the waiting room at Animal Hospital!

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OK, some great faces there, right let's have a look at our first animal.

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Which animal are you trying to inflate and which end are you blowing it up from?!

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-What's your name?

-Claire.

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-Hello, Claire. What animal was that?

-A chicken!

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-What was your motivation?

-Basically, I was on a first date

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in a park, a picnic in a park,

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and then randomly a lady selling live chickens walked past.

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-So...

-Whoa, sorry!

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Where were you, Albania?

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-I thought it would be a good idea, my date...

-You bought them?

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Yeah! I bought two little baby chickens.

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So we carried on our date, but he thought I was a bit odd,

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and then I remembered I was going out that night so it wasn't

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-convenient for me to take them with me.

-You're not still together are you?

-No!

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So I said to him, "Could you look after these until I next see you?"

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So I gave them to him and left,

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-and needless to say I didn't hear from him again.

-What about the chickens?

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Nor them either, which was sad!

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-You didn't hear from the chickens either?

-No!

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That would have been odd if you'd never heard from him and three weeks later, cluck, cluck!

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Cluck?

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Cluck, cluck, cluck!

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Thank you, Claire!

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APPLAUSE

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OK, let's have a look at another one of you.

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Can I just check, are you house-trained?

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-What's your name?

-John.

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What animal face were you pulling there?

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-The cat.

-The cat, yeah.

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Why did you have to check with your wife?

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How hen-pecked are you?!

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Not as hen-pecked as Claire's ex boyfriend!

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Has he done anything to you, this cat?

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He sits on my computer desk just to attract attention.

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-Yeah?

-And one night for some reason he turned on me.

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When you say turned on you... Did he go like this?

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What do you mean he turned on you?

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Yeah, he got a bit violent and attacked me.

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A bit violent?

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And were you OK, was everything OK?

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No, he bit into my arm and he actually bit a muscle in my wrist.

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The next morning I totally lost the use of my left arm.

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Your left arm had gone numb?

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For a week.

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Did the cat really bite you?

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Did this cat delete your internet browsing history just after?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thanks very much, John.

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OK, it's time to pick a winner and I think it's just got to be

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John and his cat face!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well done, John we'll be seeing you in the sketch later!

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Shall we crack on and meet the guests?

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# Way-oh, way-oh

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# Walk like an Egyptian. #

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My first guest tonight has a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

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That's nothing, I had two on my badge when I worked at McDonalds.

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My second guest is a comedian and motorcycle-enthusiast who says

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that what he loves most about bikes is that if you get it wrong, you die

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which is coincidently what the BBC said to me when I got this show.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joan Collins and Ross Noble!

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# Oh, don't you know don't you know?

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# Oh, beautiful, don't you know?

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# Oh, don't you know don't you know?

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# Oh, beautiful, don't you know?

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# Beautiful people. #

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Oh! Well!

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-So, hello!

-Hello!

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Welcome to the sofa, and well done Ross on getting the memo about getting the same haircut as Joan.

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Yeah, it's nice isn't it?

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We were arguing over the wigs out the back there.

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So, Joan Collins and Ross Noble, or to give you your full titles,

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Joan Collins OBE...

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-That's right..

-And Ross Noble.

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OBE?

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-No?

-Oh, my God!

-You're too young.

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-Ross Noble, WTF.

-What does that mean?

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I couldn't possibly say.

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It's a family show and I'm dyslexic so it could mean anything!

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Have you had any unfortunate animal experiences, Joan?

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I have, actually.

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I'm quite frightened of horses, and I was doing a movie in which they wanted me to ride a horse,

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they brought out this huge black stallion that was really scary

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and every time I went near him

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he sort of reared up like this, but my handler was this old, weathered American cowboy-type.

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He said, "Honey don't worry about it, horses are great,

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"they'll never hurt you."

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"Look, I'll show you."

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So he went straight to the horse and the horse reared up, kicked him

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on the ankle and broke his ankle.

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And after that I said, "Bring my stunt double!"

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And, Ross have you had any weird animal experiences?

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-I have, you've seen those videos!

-I have, yes!

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Funnily enough also involves a black stallion.

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There's a Lloyds Bank ad they'll never show!

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Now, Joan, you are bringing out another book aren't you?

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I am, yes! It's my thirteenth. Thirteenth time lucky, yes!

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And what is this book about?

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Well this book is called The World According to Joan,

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and as you may know I'm quite opinionated.

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-I've heared rumours.

-Yeah.

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-I don't suffer fools gladly and...

-Hello!

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I think we're both in trouble!

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It's about my opinions,

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about things that are going on in the world,

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it's about, um, men, morals, manners, everything.

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For example, I really get offended

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when I see somebody throwing a sweet wrapper or a wrapper of a hamburger

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into the street, and people just, they don't even say anything,

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they just walk around it.

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Would you say anything to them?

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Depends how tall they were.

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LAUGHTER

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That'd be a great image, wouldn't it?

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So you're walking around looking for littering dwarves?

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-Well, not exactly...

-Grumpy, Sleepy, Dirty. Dirty Dwarf!

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That's a great image, the idea of somebody dropping litter

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and I see this big posh car with the electric window coming down and Joan going...

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Your 13th book, that's amazing.

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I know, it is actually,

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considering how much work I've done in the theatre and on TV, etcetera,

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and I just did some photographs because it's Dynasty's 30 year anniversary.

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-Please tell me you were wearing the original clothes.

-I was!

-Were you?

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-Yes, can you believe it?

-That's amazing.

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There was a certain amount of pinning at the back, I'm afraid.

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-Shoulder pads?

-Minimal.

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How minimal? Could you still perch a bird on them?

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About the size of yours, actually.

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-I haven't got shoulder pads, these are my shoulders.

-Oh, ha-ha!

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All men...are there any men here with suits? No.

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You don't know my audience, do you?

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LAUGHTER

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Surprised most of them have got trousers on.

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-Bloke down there hasn't.

-Did they let you keep all the clothes?

-No.

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-I stole them!

-Did you?

-No.

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That's a great image of you shoving them in the binbags on the last day.

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Sometimes I would say, "Can I wear this home?"

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Cos I'm going to a drinks party or a premier or something,

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and then it would just end up in my closet and I'd forget it.

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-The most important thing is, it's still theft.

-Yes.

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All right, sue me already!

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That could be your next book, How To Nick Stuff.

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Dynasty is very famous for its fight scenes,

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there was a lot of fight scenes between you and Linda Evans.

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Lot of fight scenes. Yes.

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Do you get on in real life?

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Um...

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LAUGHTER

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You know, sometimes a silence can answer so much.

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Did you not get on?

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It isn't that we didn't get on,

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it's that I think we were from different planets.

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You know? We were just totally, totally different in every possible way.

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Here we've got a still of you and Linda now in one of your famous scenes.

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There's a lot of smiling in your face before you were going to do that.

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I was going to hit her on the head with a vase. I was thrilled.

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Is this an actually scene or is this your coffee break?

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-What I love about Dynasty is the dialogue.

-It is good.

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It's brilliant and sometimes a little bit camp.

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Oh, what, a little bit?!

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-Yes.

-I'm going to re-enact some of that dialogue for you.

-Oh, my god.

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With the help of Mr Ross Noble.

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-Ross.

-What am I supposed to do?

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You tell me if this is real dialogue from the show, or fake.

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I'm going to make it more realistic, if you could play Krystle.

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-OK.

-I'm being you, Joan.

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Oh, my god. Lovely. You look like Peter Sellers in something.

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-Peter Sellers? That's not a bad look.

-Yeah.

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I saw meself on the monitor

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and thought it was Noel Edmonds from the '80s.

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LAUGHTER

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"Welcome to Telly Addicts!"

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Here.

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You've got quite a feminine face, haven't you, Ross? I never noticed before.

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OK, I'll play Alexis, if that's OK. Ross will play Krystle.

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-Can you give me some tips on Alexis?

-You just sound like me.

-OK.

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-I know your problem.

-I don't sound like that!

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-I know your problem.

-I don't sound like that.

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-IN GEORDIE ACCENT:

-I know your problem!

-That's better.

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-You've got her there.

-I know your problem,

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and because I'm a real woman I know how to please a man.

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I know how to touch a man and make him quiver, unlike you, Krystle.

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No man could ever want you.

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Come here and say that to my face, you bitch!

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-Fake!

-Hang on.

-Do we fight?

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APPLAUSE

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Got a bit of shrapnel on Joan Collins there,

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-I'm so sorry about that.

-Don't worry.

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-So, fake or real?

-I told you, it was fake.

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She got it right, it's fake dialogue.

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APPLAUSE

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Did you at any point in your career think you'd ever go,

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"Oh, he got a bit of shrapnel on Joan Collins."?

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-Now, Joan, you are a big fan of Twitter, aren't you?

-Yes, I am.

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JoanCollinsOBE, if anybody wants to tweet me.

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I can't lie, I don't do Twitter, I don't know anything about it,

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but I made an effort cos you were coming on,

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and I looked at your tweets...

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-Oh, you looked at my what?

-Hand on heart, lovely hydrangeas.

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-Oh, the hydrangeas.

-I loved them.

-Yes, aren't they pretty?

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They're very nice, yeah, cos I like a bit of gardening. Do you like a bit of composting?

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Uh, no, I don't do compost.

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You know toenails are compostable, I found out recently?

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-And hair, chop off hair, all compostable.

-Is this real?

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Am I high? Can I just ask, am I actually...

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-is this a dream?

-No, it's all happening.

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I'm sitting here, Joan Collins on one side,

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and you're talking about putting your toenails in compost?!

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-You're a big tweeter, Ross?

-I do like a bit of a tweet.

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-What's your tweet name?

-I am RealRossNoble.

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Is there a fake Ross Noble?

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Don't go to RossNoble,

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because that is a bloke in Canada just trying to live his life.

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Ah.

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And he keeps getting, like, hundreds of tweets from, you know, my fans,

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it's hard to describe them, Joan, but they're, um, they're unusual people.

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-Oh, like you?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

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So they send me all kinds of unusual photographs and thoughts and ideas.

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-Like what?

-I sent a tweet out and I said, "Whoever sends me the best

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"picture of themselves with a tin of beans on their head, I'll retweet it."

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-You know people love a retweet, don't they?

-Yes, absolutely.

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-Hundreds of people...

-Hundreds?

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-Beans on their head.

-No! My, god, I must try that.

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-Yeah, do it, beans on the head.

-I've been really missing out, haven't I?

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I think my fans might be slightly different to yours.

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Caviar on the head.

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You can have that, no problem at all.

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Please do that, Joan. Please do caviar on the head, that'd be great.

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You know who I met, thanks to Twitter?

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He now runs a candle shop in Chester. Only Bob Carolgees.

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Eh? Joan, Bob Carolgees!

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I think I've lived in America too long.

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Bob Carolgees was a puppeteer that did Spit The Dog.

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-Spit the Dog, Joan. Bob Carolgees!

-And he runs a candle shop?

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He runs a candle...

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That'd be handy cos if the flames went up and it started burning,

0:16:240:16:27

he could go, "pttt" and put it out!

0:16:270:16:29

We've got a fantastic stand-up on the show, he's about to go back on the road for a huge UK tour.

0:16:290:16:33

Please welcome the brilliant Tom Stade!

0:16:330:16:35

# Get up, stand up

0:16:350:16:37

# Stand up for your rights. #

0:16:390:16:40

Good evening citizens of Britain.

0:16:440:16:48

LAUGHTER

0:16:480:16:50

I am a married man, I have been married for 16 years.

0:16:500:16:55

I'm going to be honest with you, I'm tired!

0:16:550:16:58

I am exhausted, I am way, I am over my head!

0:16:590:17:03

Nobody trained me for this,

0:17:030:17:05

I didn't think I was going to make it this far.

0:17:050:17:08

I'm sitting there,

0:17:080:17:10

I wished I had a marriage trainer, just somebody sitting there,

0:17:100:17:13

going, "All right, Tom! Give me 20 more 'I'm sorry's'!"

0:17:130:17:17

"Say it like you mean it! You sound insincere!"

0:17:180:17:22

Love being married! Things have changed for me, being married, too.

0:17:220:17:28

I have a lot more lists in my life, you know? I love lists.

0:17:280:17:32

I like my lists, but lists give me pressure,

0:17:320:17:36

because sometimes I will not be able to find what is on the list.

0:17:360:17:41

I will sit there in a store for about two hours, sitting there going,

0:17:410:17:45

"Oh, my god, I can't find this," then I'll have to ask somebody and say,

0:17:450:17:49

"Excuse me, ma'am, can you help me find what aisle the broccoli is in?"

0:17:490:17:52

She goes, "I would, but this is Ann Summers."

0:17:520:17:55

So I guess I'm just going to buy these glow in the dark cucumbers then.

0:17:570:18:01

Think it's going to make a pretty funky salad.

0:18:040:18:06

I love my lists, that's why I go to places like Argos,

0:18:090:18:13

cos they have a catalogue which is just a really big list.

0:18:130:18:19

My woman loves catalogues, all women love catalogues,

0:18:190:18:23

cos women are good with catalogues.

0:18:230:18:25

My woman will walk into Argos,

0:18:250:18:27

she'll flip through that catalogue like she was a Jedi Knight.

0:18:270:18:32

She walked up to the catalogue and go...

0:18:320:18:36

"That's what I want," and I'm looking at her going, "How did you do that?"

0:18:360:18:40

She goes, "I'll show you something else, Tom."

0:18:400:18:44

"That's what you want."

0:18:440:18:45

And I'm like, "I don't even know what I want,"

0:18:450:18:48

then I look at it and go, "Holy shit, that is what I want.

0:18:480:18:52

"A trampoline."

0:18:530:18:55

Cos I didn't want a trampoline for 129.95.

0:18:560:19:01

But for 79.95?

0:19:010:19:04

I NEEDED a trampoline.

0:19:040:19:06

You can't just buy no trampoline.

0:19:070:19:09

You've got to get all your trampoline trimmings.

0:19:090:19:12

You've got to get that safety cage,

0:19:120:19:14

in case you're a moron and you don't know how to bounce up and down.

0:19:140:19:18

Turns out I'm a moron!

0:19:200:19:22

Cos I was bouncing from side to side in my safety cage,

0:19:230:19:27

and I smashed my head against that safety bar,

0:19:270:19:29

and I'm bleeding in the safety cage, thinking,

0:19:290:19:32

"Thank God that safety bar was there

0:19:320:19:35

"to stop me from landing on that soft grass!"

0:19:350:19:37

Thank you very much, Britain, you've been excellent. Thank you!

0:19:400:19:43

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:19:430:19:46

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Stade!

0:19:490:19:52

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:19:520:19:54

Do you know what? I think, once again, it's time for...

0:19:550:19:59

# You've got the look

0:20:000:20:02

# You've got the look. #

0:20:020:20:04

Yes, before tonight's show, we asked our audience

0:20:040:20:07

which famous person they think they look like

0:20:070:20:09

and the winner, as judged by Joan and Ross, will join us on the sofa

0:20:090:20:12

to promote next week's show.

0:20:120:20:14

Now, this should be easy for you this week, Joan,

0:20:140:20:17

-because every one of our celebrities tonight has actually met you.

-Oh.

0:20:170:20:20

-First of all, we've got Dominic Vines. Where are you, Dominic?

-Yep.

0:20:200:20:24

-How are you?

-Very good, thanks.

0:20:240:20:26

OK. Ross, Joan, do we know who Dominic thinks he looks like?

0:20:260:20:30

Tintin? A bit of Tintin in there.

0:20:300:20:33

Is it the...? Oh, no. He's not famous.

0:20:340:20:37

It's just a bloke I know.

0:20:370:20:38

He can't be a bloke you know.

0:20:380:20:40

Hang on! I know who that... Oh, no.

0:20:400:20:42

Can I just check, are you Dave from the chippy?

0:20:420:20:45

Have you got any clues you can give us?

0:20:450:20:47

Used to be married to Sienna Miller.

0:20:470:20:50

-Jude Law!

-So, Dominic, who do you think you look like?

0:20:500:20:53

-Well, my wife thinks I look like Jude Law.

-OK, let's have a look.

0:20:530:20:56

APPLAUSE

0:20:560:20:58

It is Jude Law.

0:20:580:21:00

-I think that's quite good.

-Yeah, it is.

0:21:000:21:02

-It's Jude Law, yeah.

-But he doesn't have hair like that.

0:21:020:21:06

He doesn't have a face like that!

0:21:060:21:07

He looks nothing like Jude Law.

0:21:070:21:10

-So you've met Jude Law?

-I have met Jude Law, at Cilla Black's birthday party.

0:21:100:21:14

-OK.

-Are you a big pal of Cilla's?

0:21:140:21:17

I am, yes.

0:21:170:21:18

You know who used to be Cilla's show, Surprise, Surprise,

0:21:180:21:21

as the roving reporter?

0:21:210:21:23

Bob Carolgees!

0:21:230:21:24

He is, he is. That is true.

0:21:240:21:26

I'd swear to it, I'm not making that up.

0:21:260:21:28

I bet you Bob Carolgees...

0:21:280:21:30

There's not one anecdote that you can say that he can't crowbar in Bob Carolgees.

0:21:300:21:34

OK. Thank you very much. That was Dominic Vines. Thank you very much, Dominic.

0:21:340:21:39

Now, Parviz Ghodsi. Where are you, Parviz?

0:21:390:21:41

"Ghodsi" - have I got that right?

0:21:410:21:43

-AUDIENCE MURMUR

-OK, Parviz...

0:21:430:21:45

-Blimey, the audience have it already!

-George Clooney!

0:21:450:21:47

-I don't think we need any clues.

-APPLAUSE

0:21:470:21:50

Hang on, don't clap - we don't know it's right yet! Who do you think you look like?

0:21:500:21:54

Brad Pitt!

0:21:540:21:56

-It's George Clooney.

-Let's have a look.

0:21:570:21:59

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

0:21:590:22:01

APPLAUSE

0:22:010:22:04

-Are you a professional lookalike?

-No, I'm not.

0:22:060:22:09

-What do you do?

-I've got a pizza shop.

0:22:090:22:11

-Where's that?

-In Essex, Harlow.

0:22:110:22:14

-Do you get mistaken for George Clooney?

-Yes, I do. All the time.

0:22:140:22:17

What, working in a pizza shop in Harlow?

0:22:170:22:19

What, people go, "That's definitely George Clooney"?

0:22:190:22:22

You're going, "Oh, yeah. I am George Clooney."

0:22:220:22:24

I'm doing the big pepper pot, if you're wondering.

0:22:240:22:27

I'm doing the big pepper pot.

0:22:270:22:29

Have you met George?

0:22:290:22:31

-I've met him a couple of times at a party in New York.

-Nice man?

0:22:310:22:34

Very, very charming.

0:22:340:22:36

He's got a lot going for him.

0:22:360:22:37

Well, he's like one of the top actors at the moment,

0:22:370:22:40

but it's, um...

0:22:400:22:41

I don't know, he didn't marry that beautiful girl he was going with

0:22:410:22:45

for two or three years.

0:22:450:22:46

To be fair, he's busy running his pizza shop.

0:22:460:22:48

Yes, that's true.

0:22:490:22:51

OK. Phil Gamble! Where are you, Phil?

0:22:510:22:54

Hi, Phil.

0:22:540:22:56

Phil Gamble, there.

0:22:580:23:00

And, er...

0:23:000:23:01

I'm telling you, if it is, I'm going to kill you.

0:23:020:23:06

Joan and Russ. Joan first.

0:23:060:23:08

Do we know who Phil thinks he looks like?

0:23:080:23:11

Er, well...

0:23:110:23:14

Maybe Leonard Rossiter?

0:23:140:23:15

-AS LEONARD ROSSITER:

-"My God!"

0:23:180:23:20

-Give us a clue!

-Whoever it is...

0:23:220:23:24

I tell you what, whoever it is, he's an ugly bastard!

0:23:240:23:29

APPLAUSE

0:23:290:23:31

He's doing some acting there. He's doing acting faces and stuff.

0:23:380:23:43

I have to say, and I don't know if it's a clue or not,

0:23:430:23:45

but I personally find him very attractive.

0:23:450:23:48

I'm a heterosexual man but I honestly say I would.

0:23:480:23:52

In fact, if I've got to be honest, I have!

0:23:520:23:54

Can I just ask you, are you...?

0:23:560:23:58

He DOES look like somebody.

0:23:580:24:00

Should I give you a clue?

0:24:000:24:01

What about Peter Sellers as a clue?

0:24:010:24:04

Peter Sellers?

0:24:040:24:05

You look a bit like Peter Sellers.

0:24:090:24:11

APPLAUSE

0:24:120:24:14

-I look like Peter Sellers...

-A little bit.

0:24:140:24:16

..I think he looks like Peter Sellers. Here's a clue -

0:24:160:24:19

it's me.

0:24:190:24:20

Oh, it's you!

0:24:200:24:23

APPLAUSE

0:24:230:24:26

Right, let's have a look.

0:24:260:24:27

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:24:280:24:31

If you two had moustaches on, it'd be the Chuckle Brothers!

0:24:330:24:37

Go on, do it. You say, "To you." And you say, "To me." Go on.

0:24:380:24:44

To you.

0:24:440:24:45

-BLEEP

-off.

0:24:450:24:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:470:24:51

-Sorry, Phil, do you actually get recognised as me?

-All the time, yeah.

0:24:520:24:55

-And has it ever helped you in any situation?

-Er...

0:24:550:24:59

It's been a hindrance to me most of my life.

0:24:590:25:02

I did manage to nick your car-parking space out the front.

0:25:020:25:05

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Phil Gamble from West Sussex.

0:25:070:25:10

AKA Lee Mack.

0:25:100:25:14

-So, Joan and Ross, the decision's in your hands.

-It's got to be you. It's got to be.

0:25:140:25:18

-It's got to be him.

-I think it's got to be George Clooney.

-We're off again!

0:25:180:25:22

Why do I have to agree with you?

0:25:220:25:24

-You don't have to agree. I make the final decision, you can have your opinion.

-You make this...

0:25:240:25:28

-You're going for George?

-Yeah.

-You're going for me?

-Yeah.

0:25:280:25:31

I tell you what, why don't we have both?

0:25:310:25:33

-OK.

-OK. George Clooney and Lee Mack!

0:25:330:25:35

APPLAUSE

0:25:350:25:37

We'll be seeing you both on the sofa at the end of the show.

0:25:370:25:41

Hey, talking of lookalikes, I had a woman round my house the other day

0:25:410:25:45

that didn't half look like one of those dancing judges.

0:25:450:25:47

APPLAUSE

0:25:490:25:53

PHONE RINGS

0:26:000:26:02

Hello, Lee Mack's All-Star Cast.

0:26:020:26:04

Ah, Rebecca Brooks.

0:26:040:26:05

Oh, no, I can't have you on the show now, after what's happened.

0:26:050:26:09

I did leave you a message.

0:26:090:26:10

Not on your phone, on Hugh Grant's but I thought you'd still get it.

0:26:100:26:14

TAPPING

0:26:140:26:16

Come in!

0:26:160:26:17

TAPPING

0:26:170:26:18

Come in!

0:26:180:26:20

RHYTHMIC TAPPING

0:26:200:26:24

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:26:270:26:30

Take a day off, love.

0:26:340:26:36

Come in, Arlene. Make yourself at home. I'll get you a chair.

0:26:360:26:38

Thanks for inviting me on your show. I don't usually do this sort of thing.

0:26:400:26:43

Since the Strictly Come Dancing incident,

0:26:430:26:46

some comedians just use these shows to make cheap jokes about my age.

0:26:460:26:49

To be honest, if I hear one more joke about my age,

0:26:510:26:55

I'm liable to punch somebody.

0:26:550:26:58

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:010:27:03

So Arlene Phillips, you were born in...

0:27:070:27:12

Don't say the year!

0:27:120:27:14

-I wasn't saying the year, I was saying, "Prestwich, Manchester..."

-OK.

0:27:140:27:17

"..68 years ago."

0:27:170:27:19

Look, if I agreed to come on your show,

0:27:200:27:23

could we talk about So You Think You Can Dance?

0:27:230:27:26

Of course. Cat Deeley...

0:27:260:27:27

is she single?

0:27:270:27:28

I don't think she'd be interested!

0:27:280:27:31

Fine. Doesn't bother me.

0:27:310:27:33

I wouldn't want her round here, She'd scratch the furniture.

0:27:330:27:36

I think she's sick to death of cat jokes.

0:27:370:27:41

Doesn't matter if she is sick to death, she has another eight lives.

0:27:410:27:45

Got any other cat jokes you want to get off your chest?

0:27:450:27:48

How do you think I feel?

0:27:490:27:51

I have to put up with them all!

0:27:510:27:53

APPLAUSE

0:27:550:27:57

I'll tell you what, I'm all for getting into character,

0:27:590:28:02

but you can clean that up yourself!

0:28:020:28:05

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:28:050:28:06

Ooh!

0:28:060:28:07

It's my beloved landlady, Miss Drent!

0:28:090:28:11

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:28:110:28:14

We need to have words.

0:28:150:28:17

Why, didn't you get the script?

0:28:170:28:18

I mean about the rent.

0:28:200:28:22

You are five weeks behind, unlike the script,

0:28:220:28:26

which is 30 years behind.

0:28:260:28:27

Look, I promise, I'll have it for you next week. Scout's honour.

0:28:270:28:31

Don't believe him! He's not even a real scout!

0:28:310:28:34

Bit old to be doing that, aren't you?

0:28:360:28:38

Not you!

0:28:380:28:39

This is your final warning, ferret-face.

0:28:410:28:45

MUSIC: "Theme From Dynasty"

0:28:450:28:48

How old are you?

0:28:500:28:51

12.

0:28:510:28:52

Got something wrong with your hormones?

0:28:520:28:55

-I can tell you how to make a

-whore moan.

-Go.

0:28:550:28:58

I tell you what, you're good, but you're no Bob Carolgees.

0:29:010:29:04

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:040:29:06

Oi, oi! Where you going?

0:29:060:29:08

To be honest, I still think you're going to make lots of stupid jokes about my age.

0:29:080:29:12

Oh, don't be silly. Come on, sit down!

0:29:120:29:15

You of all people shouldn't give up your seat.

0:29:150:29:18

That was an accident, I promise.

0:29:180:29:20

Arlene, don't go. I promise when you come on the show,

0:29:200:29:23

-I won't even mention your age.

-MUSIC STARTS

0:29:230:29:26

-What's that?

-Nothing.

0:29:260:29:29

# Grandma, we love you

0:29:300:29:34

# Grandma, we do

0:29:340:29:37

# Though you may be far away

0:29:390:29:41

# We think of you. #

0:29:410:29:44

Oi, you, stop licking your balls.

0:29:470:29:49

Thanks to David Haye for the loan of the mobility scooter.

0:29:560:30:00

Let's meet the final members of tonight's cast.

0:30:000:30:02

Yes, it's time for...

0:30:020:30:05

# When will I, will I be famous?

0:30:050:30:09

# For 15 seconds! #

0:30:090:30:13

First up, it's last week's winner, Rudy. Are you there, Rudy Barrow?

0:30:160:30:20

-Hey. How are you doing?

-Have you named those fish yet?

-Yes, I have.

0:30:200:30:27

-Good, what have we called them?

-Right, I've got GI Joe.

-Nice.

0:30:270:30:32

Ghost, Goldie, The Godfather, Gatekeeper,

0:30:320:30:37

and I've named the little tiddler, Lee.

0:30:370:30:39

Good job I've got a three-second memory or I'd have you for that.

0:30:410:30:45

Good job I've got a three-second memory or I'd have you for that.

0:30:450:30:49

So, what are you going to do for us tonight?

0:30:490:30:51

Last week I only got out about two words of my song,

0:30:510:30:54

so I'm going to do 15 songs in 15 seconds.

0:30:540:30:59

Pretty impressive. Rudy Barrow, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

0:30:590:31:03

# You can tell everybody

0:31:050:31:08

# You're once, Fame, 21 Seconds, I believe, Holiday, Sweetness

0:31:080:31:13

# Billie Jean, True Colours, I Just Called, Beautiful, Jammin'

0:31:130:31:18

# Sexy Eye, Sonny, Hello... #

0:31:180:31:20

KLAXON SOUNDS

0:31:200:31:22

APPLAUSE

0:31:220:31:24

Not bad, that's pretty good.

0:31:240:31:26

Do you know what, I think you've found your true calling.

0:31:260:31:31

Looking after goldfish.

0:31:310:31:33

Is he a potential winner, Joan?

0:31:330:31:35

I think he's very good.

0:31:350:31:37

Very original to do 15 songs in 15 seconds.

0:31:370:31:40

You have got the thumbs up from Joan Collins.

0:31:400:31:42

Thank you very much, Joan.

0:31:420:31:44

Thank you, Rudy Barrow. Let's hear it for Rudy.

0:31:440:31:47

APPLAUSE

0:31:470:31:49

-Kia Maxfield. Are you there, Kia?

-Hi there, Lee.

-How are you doing?

0:31:490:31:55

-I'm fine, Lee.

-What are you going to do for us?

0:31:550:31:58

I'm going to sing a song made famous by Mr Louis Armstrong and his mother.

0:31:580:32:02

OK, Kia Maxfield, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

0:32:020:32:06

AS LOUIS # The colours of the rainbow

0:32:060:32:08

AS HIS MOTHER # So pretty in the sky

0:32:100:32:12

AS LOUIS # Are also on the faces

0:32:120:32:15

MOTHER # Of people passing by

0:32:150:32:19

LOUIS: # I see friends shaking hands... #

0:32:190:32:22

KLAXON SOUNDS

0:32:220:32:24

APPLAUSE

0:32:240:32:26

Kia, did you do that live or were you miming?

0:32:260:32:30

I was singing it live.

0:32:300:32:32

Can you talk that way as well?

0:32:320:32:36

AS LOUIS: I can if you want me to.

0:32:330:32:36

APPLAUSE

0:32:360:32:37

That's amazing.

0:32:370:32:39

That's an amazing voice.

0:32:390:32:40

Puberty must have been awful for you.

0:32:400:32:43

She's a very talented bloke.

0:32:430:32:44

You could have some fun with that.

0:32:470:32:49

Waking up the next morning after a one night stand.

0:32:490:32:51

"Thanks for last night, it were absolutely great!"

0:32:510:32:54

"Honestly I can't thank you enough."

0:32:540:32:56

Kia Maxfield, let's hear to for Kia!

0:32:560:33:00

Thank you. APPLAUSE

0:33:000:33:01

Scott Shortland, are you there, Scott?

0:33:010:33:04

-Hello, Lee, how are you doing?

-Hi, Joan.

0:33:040:33:07

Are you some sort of cult?

0:33:070:33:09

Why are the ladies wearing sunglasses?

0:33:110:33:13

Having a rough day, Joan, you understand.

0:33:130:33:17

-Ooh!

-What did she say?

0:33:170:33:18

I think she meant that in a very nice way.

0:33:180:33:21

You know how to win over the judges, don't you?

0:33:220:33:25

So what are you going to do?

0:33:250:33:26

Basically, I'm going to shave my hair off with a new style.

0:33:260:33:30

OK, Scott Shortland, this is your 15 seconds of fame.

0:33:300:33:33

Thank you, Lee.

0:33:330:33:34

Absolute idiot.

0:33:470:33:48

KLAXON SOUNDS

0:33:510:33:52

APPLAUSE

0:33:520:33:54

Let's have a look, come close, closer to the camera.

0:33:540:33:57

And the other side. Oh!

0:33:570:34:01

Blimey! The last of the Mohicans has gone very middle class.

0:34:010:34:05

If you win what will you shave for us next week?

0:34:070:34:09

I wondered where Spit the Dog had gone.

0:34:110:34:14

If you are picked as the winner, will you promise to spend

0:34:150:34:18

all week with that and don't touch your hair?

0:34:180:34:21

-Is that a deal?

-That's a deal.

-OK, it's a deal.

0:34:210:34:23

-Let's hear it for Scott Shortland.

-APPLAUSE

0:34:230:34:27

-OK, decision time. Joan, what do we think?

-Kia and Louis Armstrong.

0:34:270:34:30

-The audience aren't disagreeing.

-APPLAUSE

0:34:300:34:34

-Ross?

-Well, I will go with Joan.

0:34:370:34:41

But to be fair, I think he should stay like that all week.

0:34:410:34:44

Congratulations, Kia, you are now the champion of 15 seconds of fame!

0:34:450:34:48

APPLAUSE

0:34:480:34:51

How do you feel, Kia?

0:34:530:34:55

AS LOUIS: I feel fantastic.

0:34:550:34:58

-It's brilliant.

-Let's hear it for Kia Maxfield. Thank you!

0:34:580:35:01

APPLAUSE

0:35:010:35:03

See you next week.

0:35:030:35:04

If you want to be in 15 seconds of fame

0:35:040:35:07

or take part in the all-star cast next week, go to -

0:35:070:35:09

That's it. Thanks to all my members of the cast. Joan Collins!

0:35:130:35:16

APPLAUSE

0:35:160:35:18

Ross Noble. Tom Staves. Arlene Phillips.

0:35:180:35:21

And of course, John.

0:35:210:35:23

And our wonderful studio audience.

0:35:230:35:25

Playing us out with their new single, Glad You Came, it's The Wanted!

0:35:270:35:32

# The sun goes down, the stars come out

0:35:350:35:40

# And all that counts is here and now

0:35:400:35:44

# My universe will never be the same

0:35:440:35:48

# I'm glad you came

0:35:480:35:50

# You cast a spell on me, spell on me

0:36:080:36:11

# You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me

0:36:110:36:14

# I decided you look well on me, well on me

0:36:140:36:19

# So let's go somewhere no one else can see you and me

0:36:190:36:22

# Turn the lights out now

0:36:220:36:24

# Now I'll take you by the hand

0:36:240:36:26

# Hand you another drink

0:36:260:36:28

# Drink it if you can

0:36:280:36:30

# Can you spend a little time

0:36:300:36:31

# Time is slipping away

0:36:310:36:34

# Away from us so stay

0:36:340:36:35

# Stay with me I can make

0:36:350:36:38

# Make you glad you came

0:36:380:36:39

# The sun goes down, the stars come out

0:36:390:36:43

# And all that counts is here and now

0:36:430:36:47

# My universe will never be the same

0:36:470:36:51

# I'm glad you came

0:36:510:36:53

# I'm glad you came

0:36:530:36:54

# You cast a spell on me, spell on me

0:37:090:37:11

# You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me

0:37:110:37:15

# And I decided you look well on me, well on me

0:37:150:37:19

# So let's go somewhere no on else can see you and me

0:37:190:37:22

# Turn the lights down now

0:37:220:37:25

# Now I take you by the hand

0:37:250:37:27

# Hand you another drink

0:37:270:37:28

# Drink it if you can

0:37:280:37:30

# Can you spend a little time

0:37:300:37:32

# Time is slipping away

0:37:320:37:34

# Away from us so stay

0:37:340:37:36

# Stay with me I can make

0:37:360:37:38

# Make you glad you came

0:37:380:37:39

# The sun goes down, the stars come out

0:37:390:37:44

# And all that counts is here and now

0:37:440:37:47

# My universe will never be the same

0:37:470:37:51

# I'm glad you came

0:37:510:37:53

# I'm glad you came

0:37:530:37:55

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

0:37:550:37:57

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

0:37:570:37:59

# Who-oh-oh-oh

0:37:590:38:01

# I'm glad you came

0:38:010:38:02

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

0:38:020:38:04

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

0:38:040:38:06

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

0:38:060:38:08

# I'm glad you came

0:38:080:38:10

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

0:38:100:38:12

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

0:38:120:38:14

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

0:38:140:38:16

# So glad you came

0:38:160:38:17

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

0:38:170:38:19

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

0:38:190:38:22

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

0:38:220:38:23

# I'm glad you came

0:38:230:38:25

# The sun goes down, the stars come out

0:38:250:38:30

# And all that counts is here and now

0:38:300:38:33

# My universe will never be the same

0:38:330:38:37

# I'm glad you came

0:38:370:38:40

# I'm glad you came. #

0:38:400:38:42

Thank you very much.

0:38:450:38:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:460:38:49

Join me, Lee Mack, on my show Lee Mack's All-star Cast,

0:38:510:38:55

when my guests will be Ugly Betty star, Ashley Jensen,

0:38:550:38:58

and pop sensation JLS.

0:38:580:39:00

Right, you're a fake, you're a fake, you're a fake. Go.

0:39:000:39:03

It's just me and you, Joan.

0:39:050:39:07

-I'm not a fake.

-I'll get my coat.

0:39:070:39:10

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:39:100:39:14

Comedian Lee Mack hosts another celebrity-packed edition of his All Star Cast. Joining Lee are soap diva Joan Collins, surreal comic Ross Noble, and the hottest boyband on the block, The Wanted.


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