Best Bits Lee Nelson's Well Funny People

This programme contains strong language

This programme contains adult humour

Lee! Come on. Open the door! Oi, Nelson, you bell end!

What you waking me at this time for, you nutter?

It's 11.30.

You've got to look after my mum's dog for me.

Nah, I'm going to snooker today, innit.

Bought this bad boy yesterday.

Oh, mate, I'm working in Fried Chicken Cottage all day.

You can take a dog into Fried Chicken Cottage.

I'm worried they're going to cook him.

I ain't looking after a gay dog like Hector!

-Ah, please man!

-All right. But if he does a shit, I ain't clearing it up.

Course not. I don't.

Later.

Oh, yeah...school. You're late. Hurry up!

-What are you going to tell your teacher?

-Epileptic attack.

Bingo.

Oh, packed lunch?

-It's in the fridge, Dad.

-Legend!

Gay dog.

Your dog's bent.

Poof!

Oh, man.

Hector, man, you're messing up my reputation.

I haven't been called gay this many times

since I wore a sarong to that Millwall game.

I ain't never taking 20 pills again.

Can I just say, I think you're really brave.

Yeah!

The way you're just getting on with life despite your problem.

Yeah, I do just get on with it.

-What problem?

-Not being able to see.

Yeah, yeah.

I am totally blind. I can't see a bloody thing.

So, how old were you when it happened?

12. Would you believe 12?

Of course.

And how did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

Er, I dunno, I never really looked into it,

but my hearing's well good so that just, sort of, compensated.

Oh, do you mind if I have a listen to what you look like?

No, not at all.

32...C?

-Yeah. That's amazing.

-No, they're amazing.

-Well, they sound amazing anyway.

-Ah, he's amazing too.

Do you mind if I stroke him? He's so sweet.

Yeah, he's like a four-legged TomTom.

Oh, I think he's just done a poo. Have you got a bag to clean it up?

Nah, nah, I leave 'em all. It's how we find our way back.

Look, I've gotta head, but can I get your number?

-Are you all right writing?

-Yeah!

Oh, as long as I've got something to lean on.

There...you...

..nearly finished...

go!

Bye.

Oh, bye.

BUS BEEPS

Bye.

You do know why I've stopped you, don't you, sir?

It's because you're Asian, sir.

Like to step out of the car for me, please?

'I joined the force to stop the bad guys - the robbers, the murderers

'and, of course, black people.'

-Everything all right, madam?

-Yes, fine. I had a bit of trouble...

Don't you worry, madam.

Oh, he's just changing the, er...

Got him!

He was trying to steal your tyres.

Probably lives in those bushes.

Right, if you'd just like to pop your top off, dear.

OK.

Good.

Good...good.

Yes.

Good...good.

And here.

Good.

OK.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

It's my ankle. It's swollen up since I fell on it a couple of days ago.

Let me think.

Yes, I remember where that is.

Oh, look. This one is bigger than the other one.

-Ouch.

-So, have you any idea what it, er...might be?

-A sprained ankle?

-Yes.

And, er, what do you think we should, er, do?

I don't know.

Luckily, one of us knows what to do.

I am going to phone NHS Direct.

Ah! Would you mind if I used your phone, only I'm a little behind with the payments?

Great.

Everything else all right with, er, the kids?

-I can't have children.

-No, you can't.

Yes, hello, I'm with a fairly ugly infertile lady

who has somehow managed to make one of her ankles tiny.

Hello? Hello?

It's a recorded message. I haven't got time for this.

Would you mind if you just dealt with it for me?

You just sit tight, dear.

Mr Carter, please. Mr Carter!

Hello, Mr Carter.

Now, what seems to be the matter with you?

-Well, it's quite embarrassing...

-I am up against the clock here.

Erm, it's really burning when I wee.

Right. Let's have a look at your cock-a-doodle-doo.

-Erm...

-Quick, quick!

Come, come, man. Let's have a look at him.

Oh, blimey, that is weepy.

It's a bit whiffy as well.

What do you think, Mrs Hyde?

I think I'd better take this outside.

Oh, when you get through,

would you ask about Mr Carter's stinky penis?

I think she liked you. Mm?

D'you know what I mean though?

We're the Manchester M21 Gang, innit.

Bang, bang, bang, AK, the Manchester Mental Heads, innit,

AK, Manchester Maddoes, yeah! Do you know what I mean, like?

Yeah, we go rioting and whatever, course we do.

Yeah, we'll burn things down or whatever.

Do you know what I mean though? You know why we do these things?

Cos we're so fucking bored. Nothing to do.

I mean, people say, like, why don't you do something with your lives?

Thing is, we have. I mean, Ryan, he's managed to get liver cells

to regenerate in primate hepatic samples.

He's combined Vitamin A with a folic complex that has observed

massive improvements in liver cell function over a two year period.

I mean, it'll revolutionise the treatment of Hepatitis A, B and D,

but because he's not affiliated to a teaching hospital, the government have cut all his funding,

so course he's going to drop concrete off a motorway bridge.

Fucking bang, bang, bang.

Bang, bang, bang, Manchester Maddoes!

Manchester M21 Gang. Bang, bang, yeah!

Oh, my God!

'Since becoming the break out star of hit reality show, The Only Way Is Macclesfield,

'Gary Sedgmore's life has gone stratospheric.

'Now he's got his own show.

'We've been given access all areas to bring you...'

OMG. LOL. FYI. It's Gary.

Smiley, winky face emoticon.

I've got this new fridge. It's mental.

Ta-da.

I keep me milk in these two drawers.

This one is off milk

and this one is off milk as well.

It's massive.

I can fit inside it.

Hellooo!

Hi, Gary, I'm here!

Ta-daaaa.

I've got my trousers on. Let's go.

Gary, you need to put all your clothes on as a set.

I'm not sure I know my way back to the bedroom, Bev.

-Didn't you leave a trail of seeds?

-No. I ate them.

-DOORBELL

-Gary, the taxi's here.

Will he know where the bedroom is?

I'm just me.

I mean, on The Only Way is Macclesfield, I was Gary with him,

I was Gary with her and I was Gary with them two.

I was Gary with everyone. I'm just Gary.

I mean, you could give me money and I couldn't not be Gary.

What are we talking about?

I've forgotten! That is so Gary.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen him on The Only Way Is Macclesfield.

Now, here for you tonight, it's Gary Sedgmore!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The thing is with me, I'll think things and I'll say what I think

and they'll come out of my mouth as words

and what I'd say will just come out me mouth.

Thanks and good night.

CHEERING

Gary, is that all you were going to say?

I thought you were going to say more.

Oh, Gary, you've started with your last card.

-What am I like?

-That is so Gary! That's what people like about you.

But you've got to go on and do the rest of your cards.

Right, I will.

CHEERING

Hi.

Have a great night.

Thanks and good night!

CHEERING

Pool table for two hours, yeah.

Oh, er, do you do discounts for the blind?

This guy's a joker.

Oi! Are you serious, playing pool when you're blind?

-Tell me you're taking the piss!

-All right...

whoever said that.

I tell you what, 50 quid says I can beat ya.

50 quid!

I'll tell you what, yeah. We'll make it 100, yeah.

All right, fine, 100.

I'll even use my cane as a cue.

9 ball, top right corner, five centimetres to the left.

12 ball, middle pocket, about nine centimetres away.

Shh-shh-shh. Let me have a listen.

OK.

Yes!

You got proper lucky there, bruv.

Here. Here's the 100.

You owe me another ten!

Man, there should be a Channel 5 documentary about you.

TEXT ALERT

Sweet. The bird I met earlier, she wants to hook up.

Er, will someone read this for me?

Hello and welcome to Praise Be To Jesus Television

with me, Pastor Daniel Dooley.

Today I would like to talk to you about Noah and the flood.

What is the main message we should take

from this inspirational Bible story?

The answer is, don't be gay.

Why was all of humanity wiped out in the flood and only Noah saved?

Because everyone apart from Noah was thinking about dick.

During Noah's time, there was a huge amount of dick devilry.

And when God looked down upon the earth

and saw a man touching another man's buttocks,

God started to cry and his tears fell upon the earth as rain.

And when God looked again, this time he saw a man

putting another man's shaved balls in his mouth.

God was inconsolable and the tears became a flood.

But all of good Noah's thoughts were completely dick free

and instead he built an ark

where he could safely think about tits and fanny, so he was saved.

Once all the gays were washed away, God placed a rainbow in the sky,

which was a lovely symbol until the gays stole it and put it on their flags.

So, please, let Jesus into your life and stop thinking about dick. Amen.

'The new group have arrived in Kavos

'and holiday reps Chris and Chloe are welcoming them to the island...

'..ensuring it'll be a week they'll never forget.'

My name's Chris. I'm your rep for the week. Let's get fucked up!

CHEERING AND CHANTING

Right, first, a quick note about safety this week.

Let me get the safety rules out of me pocket.

Whooooa...fuck all!

CHEERING AND CHANTING

And I'm Chloe.

I've been repping four years and I've fucked over 900 people!

CHEERING

Right, who wants to get their tits out?

H-e-e-e-y!

Some lucky bloke's going to be coming over them this afternoon.

Yes! Now, who wants to win a bottle of Vodka?

CHEERING

OK, who knows where Kavos is?

Come on, somebody...anyone, where is Kavos?

Is it in Greece?

Woooh...come here, mate. Here's your Vodka.

CHEERING

Listen, right, we're not here to learn,

we're here to get fucked up.

CHEERING

RAVE MUSIC BLARING

All right, this is the Hotel Yorgos!

-Ah, and that's Yorgos himself.

-CHEERING

Let's give him a nice British, "Hello".

-ALL:

-Fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos,

fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos.

Oi, Yorgos!

Right, who's got their passports handy?

That's what happens when you set fire to a passport!

CHEERING

Right, I need a volunteer. Volunteers, hands up.

OK. Shh-shh.

OK, it's quite deep, so you can go in head first or you can jump.

-Jump!

-He's going to jump!

-ALL:

-Three, two, one,

blindfold pool jump!

LOUD THUD

Right, I want you to go inside, unpack your bags

and smash your rooms to fucking pieces!

CHEERING

-ALL:

-Let's get fucked up!

Today, I've got the in-laws coming round

and I really want to cook them something special,

so I'm going to be serving up duck a l'orange made easy.

Chicken with biscuits.

Chickens are a lot cheaper if you buy 'em still feathered.

Use an ordinary gent's razor to shave the chicken.

I'm using a Gillette Mach3 with Boots own brand foam,

or, if time's not an issue, use Veet,

formerly known as Immac.

Now, over here is one I shaved last night with me cousin.

I like me chicken really succulent

so I'm going to massage in about five kilos of butter.

Now, you don't need to fork out on expensive cooking equipment,

and instead of using a roasting tray, I'm using a hub cap.

Now, it's hard to say exactly what temperature

you need to cook the chicken

cos me oven markings have all rubbed off.

But I recommend pointing the knob

to the bottom of the washing machine window.

Or, if you're cooking a particularly big chicken,

I'd point the knob to the middle of the window.

Cooking times may vary depending on the size and position

of your washing machine.

Now, let's start preparing the biscuits.

The biscuits that go by far the best with chicken are chocolate fingers.

I really like chocolate fingers so I'm going to use 15 boxes.

Once the chicken's done...

..pour off that excess butter.

That'll condense nicely into some delicious chicken butter.

There we go.

I want their meal to have a real wow factor

so I'm propping up about 50 chocolate fingers

either side of the chicken to make this.

A chocolate finger tent.

And the remaining 750 chocolate fingers,

I'm just going to put in a bowl to serve cold with the meal.

And there we go.

I hope the in-laws are going to be chuffed.

That's duck a l'orange with a difference.

Chicken in a chocolate finger tent with cold chocolate fingers.

Got the craziest licks heading your way

in the next couple of hours of the show, but now let's head to the texts,

let's head to the Tweets

and let's head to them Facebook messages.

I asked you, do you wear a watch?

Marco from Crystal Palace says, yes, he does wear a watch.

Tasha from Cumberland says she's got two watches - one for work,

one for going out - but they're both silver.

Oh, my gosh, that's a great second text.

Isaac from Stoke Newington says, no watch,

but if he did have a watch, he would wear it.

That's also a good third text.

OK, Zoe from Exeter says,

"Does anyone know the exact time right now?"

Yes, I do, Zoe, I'm lucky enough to have a well big clock up here in the studio.

OK, Graham from Peterborough says he has a watch

but he doesn't give the colour.

Please come back in with the colour, people.

I know I didn't ask, but it's really weaving it's way and it's a process, people,

it's between me and you.

It's half-time in this key Premier League fixture,

and Jason's not been performing as expected.

What's going on out there? Why are you not linkin' up with Danny?

What's going on in that bloody head of yours?

Well?

-He's gay.

-What?

He's gay!

What? Danny's not gay!

He is. Everyone knows it.

He's not gay! As I said before, he just reads the newspaper.

Yeah, and a lot of us don't like it!

And if I score, I'm not having him try and touch me.

Fucking paper-reader!

I'm not saying he is gay,

but he was out the other night and he had two glasses of wine.

Erm...and, apparently, last weekend he went to a museum.

So, leave you to draw your own conclusions.

J! J! Jamie, have a look at this, it's about Danny.

He's shagging three 15-year-old girls.

He's straight. Lads, he's straight!

Hey, so sorry we got you all wrong. Why didn't you tell us?

I wanted to, but I couldn't.

It's been the subject of an active criminal investigation.

You mad sod. Come 'ere!

He's straight! Yes!

Yes! You straight bastard!

Come on! Yes! He's straight!

-I can't believe it.

-Yeah!

Get into 'em!

Get up their arses!

Come on!

Keep it tight!

Showers! Come on, showers!

OK, Nadia here, doesn't wear a watch. Great text.

Alex from Deptford sayin' he got a watch for his birthday,

he likes it but it's slightly too big.

Oh, my gosh. I'm feeling your pain.

OK, Patrick from Bootle says his watch is water resistant.

Does that mean he can swim with it or just get it a little bit wet?

That's a mad good question. I will Google that right now myself.

Man, you do not want to get that watch mashed up.

Bill from Matlock says he's got a watch but he doesn't wear it.

OK, listen, some mad confusion going out on the texts and the Tweets and on Facebook.

I'm asking do you wear a watch? Not, do you own a watch? OK?

That's going to be tomorrow's texter. Check this.

Hello, today's weather in Scotland.

Good morning to those of you who survived the night.

Today much the same, gale force, bone-chilling wind,

temperatures plummeting all the way across Aberdeen to Inverness.

A good day for a bike ride.

Friday, cold and frosty, no hope of change.

All across Midlothian freezing sleet for the 112th consecutive day.

That's a record - congratulations all of Scotland.

Saturday, good news for the Hebrides, cloud finally breaking -

looking forward to some sunshine for eight or nine minutes.

Staying as thick snow, freezing mist on higher ground

which will lead to the Dounreay nuclear power station to crack.

Alarmingly high levels of radiation -

best close windows and stay indoors till 2014.

In summary - unsurvivable.

Thanks for your photos. Here is a collapsed wall,

there is an abandoned murder weapon

and, finally, a lady crying.

Have a pleasant day.

What's going on over here then?

What seems to be the problem, sir?

There's just been a mugging.

Is that right. I'll need to take down one or two details.

Now, who is it you've mugged?

Well, good policing's all about dialogue.

Of course, we have face to face meetings

with Black and Asian community leaders.

How else are we going to arrest 'em?

By e-mail? Use your common sense.

Right, sir, what I need you to do now is breathe into this for me, sir.

MACHINE BEEPS

OK. As I thought,

Now I regret to inform you, sir,

you're three and a half times over the ethnic limit.

Like to come with me, please, sir?

-Hi.

-Hi.

Oh, that happened cos I'm blind.

Yeah, er, I've been doing some thinking

and, with me,

it's all or nothing.

I think going out with a blind bloke is just too much responsibility.

Oh, no, don't worry about that. After our chat I looked into it,

and I went to Boots and I got some drops and I'm cured. Yeah.

The lids was stuck together with sleep,

which is quite common,

but no-one's ever had it for 10 years before.

Oh, that's brilliant!

Bloody hell, the world's all bright and colourful

and everything is so beautiful.

Now I'd love to see a vagina.

Yeah, I've read so much about 'em. Well, brailled.

-Oi!

-Oh, shit.

You ain't blind at all, bruv!

Made me look like a right fool back there.

Give me back my money, you little prick!

Er, excuse me, he actually was blind until he looked into it this afternoon and went to Boots

and got some drops and it cured him. It was sleep that was holding them together

which is really common, but no-one's had it for 10 years,

and now all he wants to do is see a vagina.

CLUB MUSIC

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