Episode 6 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Stairwell, can you lay the table, I want to talk to your dad?

Oh, please, he's about to kill the last hooker.

Go on, Stairwell.

Oh.

Ah, I see, getting Stairwell out the picture, you dirty girl.

Are we finally going to do that thing I been asking you about?

Get the basics right first, babe.

I been watching more videos about it.

Babe, it's been three months

since you lost your job at the petrol station.

Yeah, that wasn't my fault.

I thought they said you could smoke on the forecourt.

-I think you wanted to lose that job.

-The hours were killing me -

10 in the morning till four in the afternoon.

You try doing that two days a week,

every other week!

Well, either, way it's time you got a job and I'm being serious.

We need the money. You gotta grow up.

-No, no.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Shotgun not take it!

-< STAIRWELL: Shotgun not take it!

Oh, hi, Elliot.

-Can Lee come out, please?

-I dunno.

Oh, please, Amber, please, I promise I'll be mature.

Please, let me play, please, let me play - yes.

Will you be back for tea?

DOG BARKS

Yeah, go on, Benson.

MUSIC: "A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend

Yeah!

I love this, man.

What a buzz, yeah.

Yes!

-Hey, am I too heavy for you.

-No, mate.

It's so good you can't feel your legs.

Mrs Fine with the itchy vagina.

Mrs Fine with the itchy vagina!

Well, what's the problem, dear?

My vagina's really quite itchy.

I knew that, I just didn't want to say and embarrass you.

Pop your top off dear.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Mm-hm.

Good.

So, tell me a bit about your vagina.

On a scale of 1 to 10,

where one is not itchy at all

and 10 is, "Oh, shit, itchy..."

..how itchy is your vagina?

A six.

Yes, that's normal.

And on a scale of 1 to 10 where one is not achy at all

and 10 is, "Oh, Jesus, that's achy shit..."

..how achy is your vagina?

About a six again.

Yes, that's fine.

And on a scale of 1 to 10 where one is not burny at all

and 10 is, "Oh, oh,

"argh, so burny..."

..how burny is your vagina?

Probably a six again.

That's unusual.

So on the itchy, achy, burny scale

you're coming in with a total IAB of 18.

Well done. That puts you sixth place on the leader board.

Yes, Mrs Ryecroft was unfathomably burny and pretty damn itchy.

Now, strictly speaking, I should examine your vagina

but I think we probably both agree I'm better off staying out of there.

Well, it could be a number of things,

it's almost impossible to tell without looking.

But I'm going to go for some sort of...

..infection. OK with you?

Great. So I'm going to give you...

Prescription pad.

There she is. Antibiotics...

..and a fork for scratching.

I highly recommend you don't use your vagina for a week.

Good.

Yeah, we're the Manchester M21 gang.

Bang, bang, bang! Do you know what I mean though?

AKA the Manchester Mental Heads.

Come on. Do you know what I mean though?

AKA the Manchester Maddoes.

Bang! Do you know what I mean though?

Yeah, we get high on drugs or whatever.

Yeah, we'll nick cars. Do you know what I mean though?

Do you know why we do these things though? Cos we're so fucking bored.

Know what I mean? There's nothing to do. People say, know what

I mean like, "Why don't you do something with your lives?" We have.

I mean Carl, right, he set up a touch and feel classical music group

for autistic kids to give them some stimulation cos they do need that.

I've been to one of his workshops. Fucking blew me away.

But do you understand the hoops you have to jump through to get a safety

certificate to work with special needs kids in public buildings?

Council have turned him down flat

so course he's going to stab a copper.

Bang.

Testing yourself as a chef is really important

so today I'm going to whack you through a sushi and rice recipe.

To keep it nice and straightforward, instead of raw fish,

I'm going to use crisps.

And instead of rice -

biscuits.

The crisps I've chosen are the most suitable raw fish substitutes.

Wotsits.

Buy one pack per person

unless you're catering for a load of fat bastards.

Lay out your Wotsits on a tray

and leave 'em oot for a few hours to slightly harden.

Noo, while the crisps are getting stale you need to

turn your attention to your biscuits.

They're replacing rice

so the biscuit of choice is coconut macaroons.

You're going to need to crumble up a lot of macaroons

and the simplest way I dee this is to run 'em over in your car.

To get the consistency right on these,

I went back and forward eight times

but that will vary depending on the make and model of your car.

If you don't have a car,

just gently place your macaroons on a railway line.

Sushi is traditionally wrapped in Japanese seaweed

but just as tasty and far simpler to get hold of

are dock leaves.

I got these from me estate communal area.

Lay out a dock leaf.

Sprinkle on a handful of crushed coconut macaroons and place

a single stale Wotsit on top of that

and then wrap it all nice and tight.

And slice it in half with a Stanley knife.

There we gone - looks cracking.

You'll need to repeat that for each individual crisp.

To keep up the Japanese theme, why not eat it all with chopsticks?

Or, as I've done,

use a couple of carrots.

And there we have it.

That's sushi and rice made simple

with crisps, dock leaves and biscuits.

Oh my, God!

Since becoming the breakout star of hit reality show

The Only Way Is Macclesfield,

Gary Sedgemore's life has gone stratospheric.

THEY SCREAM

Now he's got his own show.

We've been given access all areas to bring you...

OMG LOL FYI it's Gary.

Smiley, winky face emoticon.

God, it's Beverley!

THEY SCREAM EXCITEDLY

I was just thinking about you.

I was just thinking about you!

BOTH: Spooky!

I've missed you.

I missed you too.

Where have you been?

To the front door to get these.

BOTH: Papers!

BOTH: Spooky!

Which one of us thought of spooky.

BOTH: You did.

BOTH: Spooky.

BOTH: Spooky!

BOTH: Spooky!

BOTH: Spooky!

BOTH: Spooky!

Thing is, I'm just Gary and I think that's what people like.

I mean, you could pay me a million pounds and I'd be still be Gary

but just with a million pounds.

Oh, my gosh, I had a nightmare when I got home last night.

It was all pitch black in the house.

Did you try turning on the lights?

Oh, my gosh, that is so Gary.

Embarrassed-faced emoticon with some glasses on.

-Have you seen? You're front page.

-No!

-Yeah!

-No!

-Yeah!

-No!

-Yeah!

-No!

Gary, stop it, you're going to pass out again.

-Gary!

-Gary!

-Gary, come on.

-Gary!

-Over here, Gary.

-Gary!

Oh, my God! I've been facing the wrong way. How Gary is that?

I'm just me. I'm not like someone who you know, just, sort of...

Do you know what I mean? I'm just Gary.

I like him cos he's always Gary. He's like unique like that.

What happened? You wet yourself.

I know. I didn't know where the toilets were

and I didn't want to ask so I just went.

-Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you did that.

-I know. It was mad.

No-one would've seen either

but I collected an award I wasn't even nominated for.

Why did you do that?

I forgot my name.

I thought it was Richard Hammond.

-But it's not. It's Gary.

-I know.

How Richard Hammond is that?

I mean, how Gary is that?

I'm Gary.

-I know. That's what people like about you.

-I know.

I've wet myself again.

Hello and welcome to Praise Be To Jesus Television

with me Pastor Daniel Boule.

I like to talk to you today about the story of the Good Samaritan.

A man lies injured along the roadside.

A priest approaches and walks on by.

A Levite approaches and he too walks past.

Finally, a Samaritan approaches and stops to help the injured man.

What can we learn from this?

You should not be gay.

The priest and Levite walked past the injured man

because they were both thinking about dick.

They hardly even saw the injured man

because they were both walking really fast

in order to get to a gay party.

But the Samaritan was able to stop

because he was not a dick devil.

The Samaritan was a good man

and was thinking about fanny and tits.

The Samaritan could easily have taken advantage of the situation.

He could have thought, "A helpless man.

"I will pull his trousers down and munch his dick."

But he did not.

The Samaritan could easily taken his own dick out

and slapped it across the injured man's face again and again

just for pleasure but he did not do any of these things

because he wanted to go and stick his dick in a lady's hairy fanny.

Please, let Jesus into your life

and stop thinking about dick. Amen.

Oi, them rims are sick, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, brand new. 100 quid.

-Ah, how do you afford that?

Disability benefits, innit?

Oi, you ain't still got your old wheelchair, has you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mr Nelson, we have no record of you being disabled.

I didn't want to be a burden on the NHS so when I got disabled

my Mum just bought a load of cream and dealt with it at home.

Right, so what's the level of your disability?

Well, just about the sort of level you need for full benefits.

So you can't feed yourself.

Nah, not without a fork.

Do you need any help in the bath?

Always a bonus, innit? Cheeky slag.

Can you cook a main meal?

Sadly not.

OK, Mr Nelson, I think that's all the information I need.

You'll receive £200 a week.

Get in!

And the good news is, as part of the new back to work scheme

we have a placement for you at Sports Universe.

You start first thing in the morning.

But I'm disabled.

We've had a lot of feedback from the disabled community

saying that they don't just want to receive handouts,

they also want to feel like they're contributing.

Stupid fuckers!

Oh, the people you know who did just want to get benefits.

Fucking hell, this is hard.

The BBC News with me Rabbi Steeblestein.

Tonight's headlines -

I feel fantastic. Apricots. Who would have thought?

I've been stubborn, 15 years.

One apricot, the whole system's cleared out.

Let's go to the sports. I feel I could join in.

Jason and the squad are travelling to their next

Premier League fixture.

It's good to see you play a nice game of cards.

-It's a good way to relax before the game.

-Right, let's have a look.

So how much do you owe me?

-398 grand.

-What?

£400,000?

You could buy a house for this.

Maybe in your country.

Let's go again.

They are betting huge sums of money.

This is not normal in England, is it?

What should I do, Eddie?

Create some space, pass it out wide,

get right fucking into 'em!

Fuck 'em up, come on!

The match has finished and the lads are in high spirits.

Four-nil, get in!

Four-nil!

THEY CHANT: Four-nil, four-nil, four-nil, four-nil, four-nil

What is going on in here?

You lose four-nil at home? This never happen.

I know that's why we got such good odds.

You bet against yourselves!?

Come on gaffer, I scored an own goal hat trick.

I get to keep the ball.

You make me sick.

We are this close from the title. You are mad in the head.

You're all millionaires anyway.

Fucking get in there and get up their arses.

Eddie, the game is over.

Yeah, I know, I'm just talking about next week's game.

An hour later and matters have escalated.

OK, everyone, sit down.

This is incredibly serious.

Knew he'd say that. That's a grand you owe me.

-Sit down, Jason.

-There you go, that's another one.

Jason, sit down and shut up! I'm sick of you today.

Didn't think he'd say that. Here's one back.

The FA is launching a full inquiry.

The police is also beginning an investigation.

Jason, scissor-kick own goal from the edge of the area -

not helpful at all.

This is very serious.

The club have brought in top celebrity lawyer Adrian Irvine.

So, Jason, in your own words, tell me what happened.

All 24 squad members put 200 grand each on us losing four-nil

then we threw the game and made a shitload of money.

OK. I think I've got enough there to get you off.

A week later, the squad meet to hear their fate.

Right.

The CPS have agreed to drop all charges.

Yes.

But the FA are certain wrongdoing took place.

They've banned us from Europe and they're docking the club 12 points.

Yes!

12 points and a European ban. Fucking get in, come on, yes.

Come on!

THEY CHANT: Loaded, loaded, loaded.

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS

Brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap.

You're listening to Kenny K. You made the right choice

for the right reasons cos you are locked down

to the finest drum and bass sounds around.

Sit tight, you know what I'm saying.

OK, now it's time, people, to head to the texts, the tweets

and them Facebook messages.

I asked you are you left-handed or right-handed?

OK, responses come flooding in.

Lucy from Morecombe, right-handed, Calvin from Wakefield, right-handed.

I don't believe this man. Jimmy, Jamal, Candy, Ian, Becs,

all texted the show saying they're right-handers.

I reckon that 80% are coming in right-handed.

Come on left-handers.

Maybe it's harder to text.

Sam from Golders Green saying he's right-handed

but he's trying to use his left more.

Good luck with that, Simon.

OK, Nelly from Coventry has texted in.

He says, "I know it's not what you're asking,"

but he's saying his left thumb

is slightly bigger than his right thumb.

That's some mad-up fact, Nelly, I'm loving it, loving it, loving it.

In fact, I'm throwing that open right now if anyone out there

has got different size thumbs,

text me, tweet me, hook me up on the Facebook.

My days! I still can't get over Nelly's thumbs.

OK, finally got one coming in from Steve in Altrincham.

Stevie says, "I'm a left-hander."

That's great to hear, Stevie. I've got mad love for left-handers.

Another left-hander coming in straight away after that one.

Another left-hander. Oh, this is great to see.

Another one and another one.

Oh, I don't believe it!

I've been reading out the same text.

OK, apologies your way, people,

I hope you don't feel messed about by that.

That's a big sorry coming out to you from Kenny K. Check this.

-I saw that, Liam.

-Oh, shut up, sir.

-LAUGHTER

Crickler, you'll be in some serious trouble in a minute.

No! That is... That is... KIDS SHOUT AND LAUGH

You'll be sorry when...when the headmaster gets here.

CLASS FALLS SILENT

Right, Mr Davies,

suppose I'd better see that note then, hadn't I?

Here it is Headmaster.

"Mr Davies is a massive gayer."

HE CHUCKLES

Who wrote the note then?

Oh, I'm sorry, you mustn't have heard me.

I said which one of you pricks wrote that Mr Davies is a massive gayer?

You're not going to make me repeat myself, are you?

It wasn't actually me, it was Dave Crickler.

Well done, Harris. Good boy.

-We don't like note writers, do we, Harris?

-No, sir.

There's only one thing we like even less.

And that's a grass!

A dirty, filthy, slimy, disgusting, repulsive,

disloyal, backstabbing shitty grass.

And, Crickler...

Davies...

is spelt with an E.

Now open wide.

Good boy.

And if you can't control this bunch of pubescent wankers

I'll find someone who can...

(..you massive gayer.)

(Now teach 'em Geography.)

(Good boy.)

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, my gosh, I've got a mad interesting one coming at me

right here, right now.

Marlon from Southwark has texted in saying he's completely left-handed,

apart from when he uses a computer mouse, plays sport and writes.

My gosh, Marlon, that sounds crazy daisy.

Marlon, I would love to hear from you again on any other subject,

you are welcome, that is mad-up stuff.

OK, Nathan from Canvey Island.

You won't believe this man.

He's dropped in saying

he can use his left hand and his right hand equally.

There is a word for it but he can't think of it.

Gotta go, he's at work.

My days, man, what a day this is turning out to be.

Nick from Cricklewood coming in saying, yes, he does like mustard.

Nick, that was yesterday. Check this.

Oh, yeah, there's one.

No, I don't think the police force is institutionally racist

otherwise why would we let Pakis in?

Step out, sir.

Oh!

Out of the car. Out of the car. You're free. I'm liberating you.

Out of the car.

Run! Go on, run.

They can't run. They've had their feet bound.

Run! You're free to run.

-Oh.

-I'm liberating you.

DANCE MUSIC

It's the last day of the season

and holiday rep Chris makes sure the guys and girls have a fab day.

ALL: Let's get fucked up!

Whoo! Yeah! Come on!

THEY CHEER

Oooh!

Yeah!

That was fun, Chloes. What were the numbers in the end?

Two dead, one critically injured

-and three with non-life threatening brain damage.

-Not bad.

On my first season, I had one group, 24 people died.

Nobody went home.

Chloes, you have been absolutely amazing this season.

Same again in March?

No. Chris, I've met someone. I'm leaving the rep game.

You've met over 950 people, Chloe.

None of them ever stopped you repping before.

Who is the lucky fella?

-It's Yorgos.

-Bloody hell.

I'm in love with him.

But he smashed your fanny to bits.

I've always had a thing for bad boys.

Well, I couldn't be happier for you Chloes.

But hang on, you've always wanted to fuck 1,000 people.

I don't care any more, Chris.

Come on, Chloes, you've wanted this for so long.

The season's not quite over and you're on 990.

It's not important.

It is.

Everyone, I need nine lads to come and fuck Chloe.

Oh, Chris!

You're so sweet.

CHEERING

SHE SQUEALS

-Thanks, Trish.

-Tell us how it happened again.

Well, I was on Blizzard Mountain, right.

That sounds terrifying.

It was. It's Europe's tallest ride.

Goodness.

And we was caning it round the quickest bend

and I just flew out cos they ain't done the safety bar proper.

You should sue them.

Nah, it was such a laugh.

Well, that is really brave.

Well, you say that but I was just doing my duty for my country.

Well, enough from me, yeah, I think we all better get back to work.

Lee.

Amber.

Well done, babes, you've got a job.

-Yeah. Yes, I did.

-Why didn't you tell me?

Was it going to be a surprise?

Yes. Good one, well done.

Oh, that's so sweet. Come here and give me a kiss.

No. I must remain sat here at my workstation.

Part of the maturity thing.

He's done very well especially after what he's been through.

The training course is half a day of hell.

He's being modest, after what happened to him

on Blizzard Mountain.

You told your boss you shat yourself?

Yes, Derek, I shat myself.

That's to be expected, Lee.

Actually, Derek, I'm, I'm feeling a little lightheaded.

Oh, I'll just go and mush up your egg for you.

Legend.

Wow, they're nice here.

We'd do anything for this guy.

You did say soft boiled didn't you, Lee.

-Oh, cheers, Derek.

-Lee, just let me know when you're ready

-and I'll take you down to the toilet.

-Ah, sweet, Mike.

This is unbelievable.

-Egg's ready.

-I've made quite an impression.

I am so proud of you, babe. An actual proper job.

In fact, you know that thing you've been asking me about?

Yeah.

Well, tonight I'm going to give it to you.

Yes.

DANCE MUSIC

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

MUSIC INTENSIFIES

CROWD SCREAMS

MUSIC CUTS

Oh, no.

Has anyone got a dongle?