Episode 5 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Finally got him off, I didn't want him to disturb Benson.

What are you up to, nutter?

Run out of weed, innit.

And you know what I heard?

Apparently, if you smoke banana skins, it gives you a proper buzz.

Oh, that's bollocks. Innit?

Ignition.

Thank you, Captain.

One small step for man, one giant banana spliff for mankind.

THEY GIGGLE

HE COUGHS

That is rank. Oh.

Oi, what else has Amber got?

Yes.

COUGHING

All right, ginger - give me a headache.

-Mint - made you feel sick.

-Yeah.

-Cumin seeds.

-Made my feet tingle.

THEY LAUGH

-All right. Chilli. Extremely flammable. Dill.

-BOTH: Nah, nothin'.

Chutney - couldn't get it to light.

What's this one, tarragon, any good?

Ain't tried it.

Well, for the 54th time, light her up.

Oh, my gosh! I ain't kidding ya, this is as good as weed.

HE LAUGHS

Yes, yes, I can't feel my legs! Yeah.

We've invented the tarragon spliff. It's only 89p a jar.

Hey, this must be how Stephen Hawkins felt

when he invented gravity.

Let's take it to Craig's tomorrow.

Yay.

Today I'm making a British classic, Welsh rarebit,

but instead of cheese I'm going to use biscuits.

Let's start with the bread.

Choosing your bread is so important for the flavour of the dish.

I'm using an own-brand, value-range, white loaf.

This one was reduced as it was sold on the day of the sell-by date.

You can toast the bread but it will achieve exactly the same effect

but with a lot less effort.

Just leave the bread out on a plate over night.

If you like it really toasty, make that two nights.

Here's some I left out yesterday.

Have a listen to that.

SCRATCHES BREAD

Toast sound without wasting any leccie.

Now onto the biscuits.

A lot of people ask what's the best biscuit as a stand-in for cheese?

Well the answer is Oreos.

The first thing you're going to need to do is

split your Oreos in half dead carefully,

making sure you keep equal amounts of white cream filling

on either half of the split biscuit.

I'm going to use me debit card.

There you go.

Use about six Oreo halves per stale bread slice

or ten if you're a bit of a fat bastard.

Whack under the grill until the cream filling starts to bubble.

If you divn't have a grill just sit on it.

Grilled Oreos always smell delicious.

Don't forget a splash of Worcester sauce

or, if you haven't any to hand, use crisps.

And there you gone, biscuit Welsh rarebit for one.

Know what I mean though, yeah, we're the Manchester M21 gang, bang.

You know what I mean?

AKA the Manchester Mental Heads. Bang, bang, bang.

Do you know what I mean? AKA the Manchester Maddos.

Yeah, we get smashed off our heads, won't we.

You know what I mean, cars as well, yeah. We go joy riding or whatever.

Do you know what I mean? Why not?

Do you know why we do these things though?

Cos we're so bored, know what I mean,

there's nothing to fucking do.

People say, "Why don't you do something with your lives?"

The thing is, we have.

I mean, Kieran spent four and a half years developing

a revolutionary new lithium battery for electric cars.

It's got a range of 14,000 miles off a single charge,

top speed of 200 miles per hour.

He sent a blueprint off to one of the major Japanese car makers

to see if they were interested in developing the project.

Didn't hear a thing from them, next thing you know, they're

producing a brand-new electric car with Kieran's exact battery.

They completely nicked his idea but because he knew

nothing of the patent laws he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

He's lost out on an estimated 2.3 billion quid

and that's a conservative estimate

so of course he's going to set fire to the community centre.

Bang.

Sorry, everyone.

I'm just dealing with an emergency.

Just trying to get a young man in kidney failure admitted

but it might take some time.

(SHOUTING) Holloway Odeon.

Holloway Odeon.

Alvin and the Chipmunks in 3D.

One ticket.

Student concession.

2.30 performance.

Barclaycard.

4929 1800 2001.

Expire 11/14.

Security number.

660, 660,

662!

Now fuck off!

I'm so sorry.

Right, I'm afraid I'm going to have to

go down to the hospital and knock some heads together.

Popcorn's good for the kidneys.

This is good. This is very good.

Moroccan, innit?

Correct first time, got it from the capital of Morocco.

I'll pay you a grand a key. How much can you get me?

As much as you can handle as long as the supermarkets open on a Sunday.

HE LAUGHS

That's funny.

You remind me of me when I was your age.

Craig, we was in the same class at school, you bell end.

Yeah, but I was like three months older than you, innit.

-Look, just get me my shit, yeah.

-All right, all right.

So do you want anything from the supermarket while we're there?

That ain't funny the second time, yeah.

THEY CHEER

I can't believe we're going to be tarragon millionaires.

BOTH: Yeeees!

Hello and welcome to Praise Be To Jesus television

with me Pastor Daniel Boule.

Today I would like to talk to you about Noah and the flood.

What is the main message we should take from

this inspirational bible story?

The answer is - don't be gay.

Why was all of humanity wiped out in the flood and only Noah saved?

Because everyone apart from Noah was thinking about dick.

During Noah's time there was a huge amount of dick devilry and

when God looked down upon the earth

and saw a man touching another man's buttocks,

God started to cry and his tears fell upon the earth as rain.

And when God looked again, this time he saw a man putting another

man's shaved balls in his mouth.

God was inconsolable and tears became a flood.

But all of good Noah's thoughts were completely dick-free and instead

he built an ark where he could safely think about tits and fanny.

So he was saved.

Once all the gays were washed away,

God placed a rainbow in the sky which was a lovely symbol

until the gays stole it and put it on their flags.

So please, let Jesus into your life and stop thinking about dick. Amen.

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC

Got the craziest hits heading your way in the next

couple of hours of the show but now let's head to the texts,

let's head to the tweets and let's head to them Facebook messages.

I asked you, do you wear a watch?

Marco from Crystal Palace says yes, he does wear a watch.

Tasha from Cumberland says she's got two watches - one for work,

one for going out - but they're both silver.

Oh, my gosh, that's a great second text.

Isaac from Stoke Newington says no watch

but if he did have a watch, he would wear it.

That's also a good third text.

Zoe from Exeter says, "Does anyone know the exact time right now?"

Yes, I do, Zoe. I'm lucky enough to have a well big clock

up here in the studio.

OK, Graham from Peterborough says he has a watch

but he doesn't give the colour.

Please come back in with the colour, people.

I know I didn't ask but it's a process, people.

It's between me and you.

'Jason's formed a strong friendship with new Brazilian, Luka,

'but they're soon in trouble with the manager.'

What is this, Jason? I tell you many times about this.

Oh, sorry, mustn't fuck a prostitute. I forgot about that.

And Luka is new here, you should be helping him.

This damages both your reputations.

Hey, you won't say that if you see her. Here, have a look.

Check out the jebs on her.

No. How you do this anyway? We were only in Swansea three hours.

Immediately dressing room, warm up, game, warm down then back on coach.

When you do this?

Half time.

HE SIGHS

This is really not acceptable, Jason.

I scored a goal, so fuck off. Come on, Luka.

'With Jason's form dipping and Luka scoring nine goals in seven games

'the manager's got plans for the young Brazilian.'

Luka, I'm very impressed with how you're working

and I'm thinking of pushing you up from midfield

and playing you as centre forward in the next few games.

Eddie.

Long shot up front to your target man,

back of the fucking onion bag. Watch, watch and fight for it.

OK.

BONE SNAPS, HE SCREAMS

You dived, foreign prick.

HE SPITS

Are you all right, son?

Fuck off.

Yeah, I'm gutted for the lad.

Erm, I think the injury came about cos he's struggling to

adapt to the pace of the Premier League.

Erm, is he expected to be fit again soon?

Yeah, as soon as his tibia's healed

and his cruciates are sewn back together.

Em, hopefully, we'll see him back in two or three years.

Cheers, boys.

ENGINE STARTS

So do I pay you up front?

OK, Nadia here, doesn't wear a watch, great text.

Alex from Deptford said he got a watch for his birthday,

he likes it but it's slightly too big.

Oh, my gosh, I'm feeling your pain.

OK, Patrick from Bootle says his watch is water resistant.

Does that mean he can swim with it or just get it a little bit wet?

That's a mad good question, I will Google that right now myself, man.

You do not want to get that watch mashed up.

Bill from Matlock says he's got a watch but he doesn't wear it.

OK, listen, some mad confusion going out there on texts

and the tweets and on Facebook.

I'm asking - do you WEAR a watch? Not - do you OWN a watch? OK.

That's going to be tomorrow's texter. Check this.

DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYS

SHOOTING GAME ON COMPUTER

What's all this stuff?

Where did you get the money for this?

Oh, I sold some sperm.

THEY LAUGH

Seriously, where d'ya get the money?

Oh, we sold 950 jars of tarragon.

What?

Yeah, we discovered tarragon has the same effect as weed,

bought a tonne of it, sold it to Craig for a grand.

No, you discovered I keep my weed in a tarragon jar.

Yeah.

I keep my weed in the tarragon jar.

Yeah.

Craig has paid you £1,000 for some tarragon.

Yeah, that's all right though, babe.

Hey! Fuck!

Well, it'll go well with chicken.

And you spent all the money?

Yeah, but I didn't forget you, babe.

I got you a well good present, it's a mounted singing fish.

It is a good present.

Craig is going to batter you. What're you going to do?

Oh, got it!

Apparently, if you smoke banana skins, it gives you a proper buzz.

Damo, your memory really has gone to shit.

Now we'll get battered by Craig unless we come up with a plan.

Excuse me, have you got two seconds, please?

-No, no.

-It's for charity, it's for charity.

Excuse me, have you got two seconds please, just two seconds.

Two seconds for charity.

Excuse me, have you got two seconds, please.

Sorry, we're off to the theatre.

Oh, now I've fucking heard everything.

If you think watching a bunch of pricks pretending to be a different

bunch of pricks is more important than helping out short sighted

badgers who are bumping into shite left, right and centre, while you

piss off to some gobshite show, you need your fucking heads examining.

Now fill out the form, you dickhead. Come on.

Fuck off, eight quid!

Your norm is 15, if you can afford the theatre every night.

Bank details, account number, you know the fucking drill.

Smashing. And you get free entry to the sanctuary where you can

see the badgers living comfortably in a padded environment.

Thanks a lot.

Excuse me, have you got two seconds please, just two seconds.

BBC News with me, Rabbi Steeblestein.

Tonight's headlines - not tonight, I cannot concentrate.

I found a lump on my arm, I'm sure it's nothing

but at my age, who wouldn't worry.

You think you could get an appointment with the GP the same day.

Oy, oy, oy! If anyone knows what this is, just here, there.

Agh, let's go to the sport. It's a girl.

Does that make sense? To me, it doesn't.

Hello, today's weather in Scotland.

Starting off, thick fog, overcast, sleet, some showers.

Seeing some chance of moving down the Western parts of Scotland,

looking ideal for a picnic.

Wednesday, starting with freezing fog moving along the coast.

In Dunfermline, deep fog, biting winds, driving sleet.

Sounds good for the barbecue.

Thursday, bitingly cold, easterly gale starting to pick up.

Out towards the west, see temperatures there,

nice thick frost, could reach a balmy two.

Frost, fog, hail, thunder, sort of like a cracking day.

And the summary - bleak.

Thanks for sending in your photos. Here's one of a dog taking a shite.

Here's a sofa that's been left on a pavement.

Finally, here's some children with rickets.

Goodnight.

Yeah, yeah, you would, yeah. Ah, brilliant.

All right, later, yeah.

Cracked it.

THEY CHEER

But you, babe, need to do us a little favour.

Would you, just for this weekend, go on the game?

If it helps persuade you, out of the five people I've just belled,

four of them said they would be interested in banging you for money.

How about I save Craig a job and batter you myself?

-I've got it.

-Yes, I've got it too, at the same time.

It's obvious what you do.

Yeah, I mean there's an obvious one here, innit.

I've got it under control.

Yeah, you phone up the coppers.

Yeah, I had that bit, the phoning the coppers bit, obviously.

And you tell them that Craig's lock up is full of drugs.

Tell them it's chock-a-block with the stuff.

-And then you call Craig.

-Next call you do is to Craig.

And you tell him there's going to be a raid.

-Mention it's going to rain.

-Nah, a raid.

Yes, with a D.

-But he shouldn't worry cos you'll take care of it.

-That bit.

And then...

We're coming to the end of it now.

You sit down and play on the X-Box until...

Final part of it.

Until Craig comes round and says thanks for sorting it out for me.

Of course, Craig's going to come round and thank me.

And that's it. You're off the hook.

Yes, that's the end of it, that's the plan, sorted.

Why is Craig going to thank me?

Because when the police raid his lock up, there won't

be any weed and Craig will think you swapped it all for tarragon.

Oh, my gosh, that's genius.

-So just to be clear, I don't have to do a thing.

-Exactly.

Result. Amber, I love you.

Yeah, but five minutes ago you were asking me

to sleep with people for money.

Would you still be up for it?

I'll bell Craig, yeah.

Send them in please, Rosemary.

Having a good mufti day, are ya?

Mufti day's good, innit?

Like, you don't have to wear school uniform,

get a bit of freedom, bit of choice.

Just pay a pound, don't ya. Goes to charity.

Cushty, everyone's happy.

What'd you three do when I give you a bit of freedom, hey?

Bit of choice.

Bit of independence.

Bit of responsibility.

You take the piss.

I give you the gift of mufti day and this is how you repay me.

You mack me off like a wanker!

I'm getting stressed out.

You know what I do when I get stressed out?

I go fishing, I've got me own boat.

Keep it down Southend, take it out at the North Sea.

Yeah, you only have to go a couple of miles,

feels like you're in the middle of the Atlantic.

Yeah, no-one about.

You ever seen a body after it's been in the water a couple of hours?

Gets all puffed up like a balloon.

And then the crabs come along and they always start up with the eyes

and work their way down the rest of the body.

A couple of hours later, there's nothing left.

You know what, you three should come down for the weekend.

Yeah, and we can all go fishing together. The four of us.

It'd be a laugh, wouldn't it?

HE CHUCKLES

That'd be a lot of fun, wouldn't it?

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

You up for it?

I can't hear ya.

ALL: No, headmaster.

Well you'd better piss off out of here

and get some sensible fucking clothes on then.

Go on, and you might as well take

your stupid little mufti day shitty pound coins with ya.

Rosemary, I'm ready to see the boy who come in a skirt.

Do I know?

'Last night, holiday rep Chris organised one of his famous parties

'and, as usual, there's been some damage.'

Listen, if I could turn the clocks back,

I'd still play indoor bonfire fuckfest.

Yeah, all right, cheers. Oh, Chloe.

What is it?

Well, you know we burnt half the hotel down last night?

Yorgos says he won't take it any further if you'll fuck him.

-Yeah, all right.

-Cheers, Chloe.

Thing is he wants to go bareback

and he's probably got a shed-load of diseases.

No, that's fine, Chris.

Sorry, Chloe, he's a fucking deviant.

Honestly, Chris, it's no problem.

Well, it won't be forgotten on your assessment.

'Later on, Chris and fellow rep Chloe gather the group

'to tell them some news.'

OK, guys, now I've just had a phone call from Katie's mum.

GROUP: Oooooh!

I was going to tell you personally but I thought it'd be

a lot funnier to announce it in front of the group.

What, is it me exams?

No. Your dad's died.

THEY ALL CHEER

-Bloody sod, Chris.

-Come on, it's funny, isn't it?

Yeah, it is, but bloody hell.

THEY LAUGH

Hey, we'll make it up to you.

You are not going to pay for a single drink tonight,

isn't that right, everyone?

THEY ALL CHEER

Hey, let's get going.

I want all the girls to go to their rooms and dress like absolute slags.

THEY CHEER

Lads, I want you to go and take some amphetamines, get yourselves

nice and aggressive, we're going to have a fucking big one tonight.

THEY CHANT

Everyone. Let's get fucked up!

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

Yeah!

ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

THEY CHEER

Are you all right, Chloe?

-It's just so sore. He's an animal.

-Urgh.

It'll be fine. But he's still grumbling about his hotel.

We'll have to think of something else.

Bloody hell, it's only a hotel.

Come on, more shots, more shots.

ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

ALL: Banana shot, banana shot, banana shot!

ALL: Chug, chug, chug!

ALL: Fish bowl, fish bowl, fish bowl!

THEY CHEER

ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

Shots. Do some shots.

Put it in her mouth.

GIRL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

You know CPR, don't ya?

I said I did but I don't.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Oh, blimey, she's dead as well. Her mum is going to be gutted.

I'll text in the morning, I'm sure she'll see the funny side.

THEY LAUGH

CRAIG: Where is he? Where is he?!

I owe you big time, bruv.

You're a genius.

Nah.

I'm telling you, blood. Proper big time.

So how'd you get hold of all that tarragon?

We just happened to have 1,000 jars in the cupboard.

It goes very well with chicken.

Well, you sorted me out proper.

And as a little thank you, I brought some of the stash I bought off ya.

Let's skin up right now, blood.

(LAUGHING) Yay.

Nah, better idea.

Apparently, if you smoke banana skins it gives you a proper buzz.

Safe! Let's do it, man.

Yesss!

Oi, where'd you hear that from?

DANCE MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

PEOPLE BOO

The previous guy set this up for me and I knew this would happen.