Episode 4 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People

This programme contains some strong language

-Yeah, there he is! How was school today?

-It was quality.

Ha-ha! Legend! In you get.

Now it's still warm from the Americano,

there might even be a bit of pepperoni in there.

Yes!

Oh, wait.

Remember, it's Dad career talk at school tomorrow.

What are you going to tell them? You're just a pizza delivery boy.

Stairwell, you've got to understand.

What you do don't matter.

As long as you do your job well and honestly,

you ain't got nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm a pizza delivery boy and I'm proud, yeah!

Come on.

Good morning, I'm Captain Nelson

and I fly fighter jets.

APPLAUSE

I brought you some stuff.

Fighter pilot goggles.

Of course, you can also use them for swimming.

-Wicked!

-Oh, cool!

This is the guidance system of the current jets

-a fighter pilot would fly.

-THEY GASP

It does look like an old Nokia, but it ain't.

-Wicked!

-Oh, cool!

This is a piece of shrapnel from a recent mission of mine

on the Falklands-Iraq border.

-THEY GASP

-Have a feel of that.

-Wicked!

-Yes, I am a legend.

This is the emergency survival kit every pilot is issued with

in case we have to parachute out over enemy lines.

Sick!

Of course, being part of the Boots Meal Deal,

you do get a small drink with it.

-I've gone for apple juice.

-Nice!

And that is why one day, I would like to drop a nuclear bomb.

THEY CHEER

Thank you.

Well, thank you, Captain Nelson.

That was a...really inspiring career talk.

Nah, thank you, Miss Summers.

I might have flown close to heaven

but I ain't never seen an angel before.

THEY WHOOP

Especially one with such unbelievable crackers.

-THEY LAUGH

-I don't say this to all the girls,

but you are most definitely in my wank bank.

For keeps, yeah.

THEY APPLAUD

I'm off on a mission, kids! Wish me luck, yeah?

THEY CHEER

HE MIMICS GUNFIRE

HE MIMICS GUNFIRE THEY CHEER

Right, if you'd just like to pop your top off, dear.

OK.

Good.

Good.

Good, yes.

Good.

Good.

And here.

Good.

OK.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

It's my ankle. It's swollen up since I fell on it a couple of days ago.

Let me think...yes,

I remember where that is.

Oh, look, this one is bigger than the other one!

-Ow!

-So, have you any idea what it, er, might be?

A sprained ankle?

Yes. And, er, what do you think we should do?

I don't know.

Luckily, one of us knows what to do.

I am going to phone NHS Direct.

Oh, would you mind if I used your phone?

Only, I'm a little behind with the payments.

Great.

Everything else all right with the kids?

I can't have children.

No, you can't.

Yes, hello, I'm with a fairly ugly infertile lady

who has somehow managed to make one of her ankles tiny.

Hello? Hello?

It's a recorded message, I haven't got time for this.

Would you mind if you just to dealt with it for me?

Yes. You just sit tight, dear.

-HE SHOUTS

-Mr Carter, please!

Mr Carter!

Hello, Mr Carter. Now, what seems to be the matter with you?

Oh, well, it's quite embarrassing.

I am up against the clock here.

Erm, it's really burning when I wee.

Right. Let's have a look at your cock-a-doodle-doo.

Erm...

Quick, quick! Come, come, man!

Let's have a look at him!

Oh, blimey, that is weepy.

It's a bit whiffy as well.

What do you think, Mrs Ide?

I think I'd better take this outside.

Oh, when you get through,

would you ask about Mr Carter's stinky penis?

I think she liked you!

HE CHOKES

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS

We've got a lock down with me, Kenny K,

playing the illest tunes around.

There's bear love for that tune. It's ripping it up out there.

Right, it's time, people, let's head to the texts,

let's head to the tweets,

let's head to them Facebook messages.

I asked you, what do you prefer, bread or rolls?

OK, Pete from Milton Keynes, he says he well likes rolls

but the type he used to get, they don't do no more.

I'm feeling your pain, Pete from Milton Keynes.

OK, Jado, who sends so much love for soft rolls,

but hating crusty ones, but would choose bread

if he had to choose between bread and crusty rolls.

Mad texts coming in from Merv,

you know Kenny K loves his mad texts!

He's hooked me up, and he says, "Has anyone ever tried a bagel?"

Oh, my days! What is that?

OK, Adam H from Whalley Range

says he's going through a mad breadstick phase at the moment.

Who would believe this, man?

What a texter this is turning into!

Wade from Beeston says he hates rye bread.

Hey, keep 'em positive if you can, people.

-Check this.

-DRUM AND BASS SONG STARTS

Well, eight days absent in the last five weeks alone.

Hardly a regular here, is he?

The thing is, we should be looking at WHY is he truanting.

Yeah, we think the school should be doing more.

I don't know what I'm doing, is that what you're saying?

No. I certainly wouldn't put it like that.

But that IS what you're saying.

I mean, I didn't pick you up wrong. I didn't mishear ya.

I didn't think that you said something that you never said.

I mean, my hearing's good and we're all in the same room together,

so I think it would be reasonable to assume that I heard what you said.

And you said that it's my fault that your lazy, good-for-nothing,

pathetic piece of shit, dick-for-brains...

-HE SHOUTS

-..little streak of piss of a son

not being bothered to turn up to school.

Perhaps the onus is on us to sort it out.

-HE YELLS

-Sit down!

You started this.

(Let's finish it, shall we?)

Let's make sure Nathan is a regular at school from now on.

Our very own perfect...little...pupil.

NEVER! QUESTION!

MY! AUTHORITY!

EVER! AGAIN!

And if you ever come into this office

and mouth me off again, I will cut your face off!

-Oh, no, the table's broken!

-HE LAUGHS

-HE DIALS NUMBER

-'Hello, Headmaster.'

Rosemary, would you please see Nathan's parents out?

They seem to have shat themselves.

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS

I asked you, what do you prefer, bread or rolls?

Darone from Kilburn said he likes bread

because he prefers making toast.

"Do you reckon anyone has ever toasted a roll?"

My days, you know what, I bet there's someone out there who has!

Let me know. You got a crazy man, Darone.

You're welcome on my show, on Kenny K's show, the right show.

Keep it psyched.

Fernando says he quite likes both bread and rolls,

but wants to give a big shout out to rice.

Consider that done, Fernando, from me, Kenny K.

A lot of love going out there to the rice, all types, all colours.

Benny B from Sunderland said chatting about this

is bang out of order - he's wheat intolerant.

My days, Benny B! Love going out to you, bruv.

I never meant to offend no-one, man.

Why don't you switch off your radio

till we finish discussing this in two hours?

-Check this.

-DRUM AND BASS MUSIC STARTS

The BBC news with me, Rabbi Steeblestein.

Tonight's headlines, some good news, some bad news.

It's always the same.

I don't know why you watch this. You're killing yourselves slowly!

Let's go to the sport.

It's the Rugby World Cup. Who's interested?!

'After training, tensions are running high

'between Jason and his team-mate, Maka.'

Get off him!

What is this?

-He shagged me missus!

-I never done!

He's a lying bastard!

He's been shagging my wife while I've been in physio.

I wouldn't go near your wife! She's got a birth mark on her tits.

Enough, stop this!

Fucking get into 'em!

-Get up their arses!

-Eddie, not now.

President, first to the fucking wall!

Is this true, Jason? What he say, did you?

Of course I didn't.

Really?

Well, I did, yeah.

But only once...

..a week...

for two years.

Everybody get out of dressing room,

this has got nothing to do with anyone else here.

-Well, I have seen a bit of it.

-Yes, I also have.

-Me too, gaffer.

-Someone send me the link?

Sorry, Mikey. I thought I'd emailed everyone.

-HE SHOUTS

-Everybody out!

Hey!

Jason.

You need to say sorry.

Sorry for shagging his wife.

Maka, you OK?

Yeah. I suppose I have been shagging Perry's wife, so...

Then the matter is closed.

'However, in the next match,

'it's clear the matter has not been resolved.'

Why won't you pass to me?

Cos you're shit at football. Never even played for England.

I've played for Ireland, dickhead!

That was embarrassing. He was clear through a dozen times.

Yeah, he would have missed.

-Jason, are you going to pass to him?

-No, I'm not.

Jason, you're in the wrong here, you know what you should do.

-I'm not doing nothin'!

-Maka!

Look, Jase, I'm not stupid.

I know what my wife's like.

Let's just put it all behind us, all right?

Yeah, I'm really sorry Maka's leaving the club.

Erm, but I believe his wife's staying in the area,

so we'll make sure we look after her.

SCREAMING AND GUNFIRE ON VIDEO GAME

Dad, why did you lie today?

Such an important question,

I'm going to pause the game.

Come here, son.

Now listen, lying is always, always wrong,

unless you're trying to bang someone's teacher.

-Yeah, you understand?

-Thanks, Dad.

Or you've stolen a television.

Come on, let's shoot up some hookers.

SCREAMING AND GUNFIRE ON VIDEO GAME

Miss Summers! Oh, my gosh!

I must have taken a wrong turn and arrived in my dreams!

Captain Nelson, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm delivering a pizza, innit?

But you're a fighter pilot.

Exactly, and I'm on a fighter pilot refresher course.

What, on a pizza delivery bike?

Yes, there has been a little something called the recession,

so there's been a lot of cutbacks.

So a lot of wars in future are going to be fought on these -

the Honda C90 Economy.

Oh, right. But how do they fly?

-HE LAUGHS

-Civilians!

You see that button there? Let's just say, I wouldn't press it.

-HORN BEEPS

-No, not that one, the indicator.

Yeah, listen, I'll tell you how this flies

if you tell me how I can fly into your knickers.

-SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY

-Now, listen, I've got to go.

If I don't deliver within half an hour,

I have to give 'em a quid back.

Later!

HE BLASTS HORN

Yeah, we're the Manchester M21 gang, aren't we?

Do you know what I mean?

Fang, innit, AKA Manchester Mental Heads,

do you know what I mean, AKA Manchester Madoes.

Yeah, do you know what I mean, like,

we get off our heads on all sorts, won't we?

We, like, mug people, or whatever, do you know what I mean?

That's what we'll do. Do you know why we do that, though?

Cos we're so fucking bored, do you know what I mean?

There's nothing to do. I mean, people say,

"Why don't you do something with your lives?"

The thing, is we have.

I mean, Darren, he was UK Junior Chess Champion this year.

He was invited to the World Championships in Moscow

and because he was convicted for, like,

a minor offence seven years ago,

the Russian authorities have refused him a visa,

so he's just stuck here with us.

So of course he's going to stick a firework up a dog's arse!

Bang!

Hello, today's weather in Scotland.

Good morning to those of you who survived the night.

Today, much the same, gale force, bone-chilling wind,

temperatures plummeting all the way across Aberdeen to Inverness.

A good day for a bike ride.

Friday, cold and frosty, no hope of change all across Midlothian.

Freezing sleet for the 112th consecutive day.

That's a record. Congratulations, all of Scotland.

Saturday, good news for the Hebrides,

cloud finally breaking,

looking forward to some sunshine for eight or nine minutes.

Staying as thick snow, freezing mist at higher ground, which will lead

to the Dounreay nuclear power station to crack.

Alarmingly high levels of radiation,

best close windows and stay indoors till 2014.

And the summary - unsurvivable.

Thanks for your photos.

Here is a collapsed wall,

there is an abandoned murder weapon

and, finally, a lady crying.

Have a pleasant day.

Awesome! Yeah, completely,

we're having a totally mad one tonight, yeah!

-OK, ciao.

-Thank you.

No way, you're African, bro!

Hakuna matata!

Shit, I should keep it down!

You're probably illegal.

I can't believe you're African!

I totally know my African culture.

I mean, you guys invented the fist bump! Awesome!

My hero's an African.

I mean I know I'm hardly alone, but what an inspiration that man is.

Who doesn't love Kevin Pietersen?

You know, I volunteered in a village somewhere in Africa.

Oh, what's it called..?

Cape Town.

Give me some gum, boy.

-HE SPEAKS SLOWLY

-OK, you need to buy more gum.

Things move at a different pace in the land of the white man, OK?

But you WILL do it!

It's Afri-CAN, not Afri-CAN'T.

Awesome.

I mean, my daddy always said,

"Give an African a fish, he can eat for a single day.

"Teach Africans HOW to fish, you have yourself a business."

He made an absolute killing out there.

-Through that and blood diamonds.

-Could you, er, pass me a tissue?

Oh, he's not your slave!

You don't have to, boy.

Thanks. There's a quid.

He's not for sale!

Buying black people?

You're living in the '80s, mate!

I'll tell you what,

let's sing some traditional African songs to keep your chin up.

HE HUMS

# Look for the bare necessities

# The simple bare necessities

# Forget about your worries and your strife... #

It would be a great honour if you danced for me.

Bro, you deserve this.

And I am going to grab £9.60 change.

40p is the equivalent of £300 in your currency.

Oh, I wouldn't go into cubicle two.

Done a shed load of Charlie and curled one out on the floor.

Timing was just out.

Oooh....AFRICA!

# It's the circle of life

# Doo-doo-doo... #

Oh, my God!

'Since becoming the break-out star of hit reality show

'The Only Way is Macclesfield,

'Gary Sedgmoore's life has gone stratospheric.

'Now he's got his own show.

'We've been given access all areas to bring you...'

OMG LOL FYI, it's Gary!

Smiley, winky face emoticon!

I love this one!

So do I!

BOTH: Spooky!

-But I like all of them!

-So do I!

BOTH: Dooby spooks!

-HE SQUEALS

-Look at that one!

It's so different!

But how does it go?

That's the manager's table, Gary.

Oh, my gosh! What am I like?!

Luckily someone knows their cars,

I would have paid 80 grand for that table.

Probably good value.

The thing about me is I'm just me

and I think that is a thing people relate to,

cos everyone is just them on some level.

I remember meeting someone, he said, "Gary..."

and I can't remember the rest.

I love it, but the steering wheel's too far away.

Gary, you're in the back.

-HE SQUEALS

-How Gary was that?!

Right, I'll definitely take one, then.

I just remembered, I can't drive and I don't have £38,000.

Oh, Gary, what are you like?!

Shall I get one anyway, or shall we buy sunglasses?

Or let's roly poly down the hill! Yay!

Today I've people coming round

so I'm going to be making a classic with a twist.

Fish fingers and biscuits.

Open your freezer and get two or three fish fingers per person,

or four, if you're a little bit of a fat bastard.

Now you can stick 'em in the oven

or what I'm going to do is just let 'em defrost under a paper towel.

Now while they're warming to room temperature,

it's a perfect time to think about the biscuits,

which I know can be intimidating.

Don't worry, you can use any biscuit you like.

I'm going to use chocolate Bourbons.

Another bit of preparation you might want to do now is your ketchup.

Now, take your ketchup bottle

and put it upside down for at least 20 minutes.

I like to use magazines to prop it up,

but if you're not much of a reader,

then use a couple of remote controls.

Now, them fingers should have defrosted nicely.

Presentation is so important with guests,

so I'm going to criss cross the fish fingers.

Place one like so in the middle of the plate

and lay the other on top of that at an angle.

Then tip the crumbled Bourbons on top of the fingers

to make a lovely-looking biscuit pile.

You don't have to do this but a really nice touch

is to put a handful of crisps on each plate.

And there we gan.

I think I'm going to have some satisfied guests.

That's fish fingers, biscuits,

a cheeky sprinkling of Hula Hoops with sauce ready to be poured.

This'll be interesting.

Hello, sir, I've stopped you on suspicion

of driving whilst Asian, sir.

Yeah, got a gentleman here

who could be on the way back from an honour killing,

requesting a routine ethnic background check, over.

'Yes, gentleman's ID is Greek, over.'

Is that right, Greek?

I do apologise, sir.

I spent two weeks in Kos, very much enjoyed your country.

I do hope you understand why we had to stop you, sir

and very much hope you and your, er...

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

If you'd just like to step out of the vehicle, please, madam.

-HE MIMICS SHOOTING

-Got you!

-Oh, that's a coma job, innit?!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Shotgun not take it!

HE SIGHS

Hi.

Hi, is your dad in?

Yeah, he's hiding behind the sofa from the Taliban.

All right, Miss Summers!

Oh, Stairwell, would you pop outside for a bit, yeah?

Yeah, so how comes yous has come round here, sweetie pie?

You come round for a meat feast, you dirty girl?

No, I...

Ah, so you want your crust stuffing, you filthy...

No, I actually want...

Ah, you want a double portion of pepperoni, you absolute...

No, it's Stairwell, he's been lying at school to get kisses off girls.

He's been telling them he's got kidney failure.

Oh, what a legend!

And I wonder where he gets that from!

I dunno, a lot of the time I'm on missions.

Oh, come off it!

You're not a pilot at all!

Flying mopeds?! Look, I think you're setting a really bad example here

and as for the mother, where is she in all this?

Hiya, I'm Stairwell's mum.

Babe, that was the base, they need you for another mission.

You'd better fly there on your moped, soon as.

Oh, roger that, babe.

And Stairwell, come inside and take your meds

or your kidneys are going to fail.

So was there something you wanted, Miss Summers?

Erm, no.

No, I'll hopefully see Stairwell at school tomorrow,

if he's well enough.

Babe, that was unbelievable!

I can't believe you just done that.

Oh, babe, did you hear the beginning bit of the conversation

that I had with Miss Summers?

No, just the end.

Result!

Now get up there, Captain Nelson.

I want my crust stuffing with your double pepperoni meat feast.

Yeah, but I can't be longer than half hour,

otherwise I have to give you a quid.

# I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

# Fire away, fire away

# Ricochet, you take your aim

# Fire away, fire away

# You shoot me down but I won't fall

# I am titanium

# You shoot me down but I won't fall

# I am titani... #

MUSIC STOPS

CROWD JEERS

Ah, I got it, we're back on!

OK, it's game on, here we go!

MUSIC: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

-BOOING

-Fuck!