Episode 1 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Lee, come on, open the door.

HAMMERING ON DOOR

Oi, Nelson, you bell end!

What you waking me at this time for, you nutter?

It's 11.30.

You've got to look after my mum's dog for me.

Nah, I'm going snooker today, innit? Bought this bad boy yesterday.

Oh, mate, I'm working Fried Chicken Cottage all day.

You can take a dog into Fried Chicken Cottage.

I know but I'm worried they're going to cook him.

I ain't looking after a gay dog like Hector!

Ah, please, man!

All right, but if he does a shit I ain't clearing it up.

Course not, I don't!

Later.

Ooh, yeah, school, you're late, hurry up.

-What are you going to tell your teacher?

-Epileptic attack.

Bingo.

-Ooh, packed lunch!

-It's in the fridge, Dad!

Legend!

It's a gay dog.

Your dog's bent.

Poof!

Oh, man.

Hector, man, you're messing up my reputation!

I ain't been called gay this many times

since I wore a sarong to that Millwall game.

I ain't never taking 20 pills again.

Can I just say I think you're really brave.

Yeah.

The way you're just getting on with life despite your...problem.

Yeah...I do just get on with it.

-What problem?

-Not being able to see.

Yeah, yeah.

I am totally blind, I can't see a bloody thing.

So, how old were you when it happened?

12. Would you believe 12?

Of course! And how did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

Er, I dunno, I never really looked into it

but my hearing's well good, so that just, sort of, compensated.

Oh, do you mind if I have a listen to what you look like?

No, not at all.

32C?

Yeah, that's amazing.

No, THEY'RE amazing! Well, they sound amazing anyway.

Oh, he's amazing too. Do you mind if I stroke him? He's SO sweet.

Yeah, he's like a four-legged TomTom.

Oh, I think he's just done a poo. Have you got a bag to clean that up?

Nah, nah, I leave 'em all - it's how we find our way back.

Look, I've got to head but can I get your number?

Are you all right writing?

Yeah! Oh, as long as I've got something to lean on.

There...

you...

..nearly...finished...

go!

Bye.

Oh, bye.

HORN HONKING

Bye.

Gentleman waiting to hear if he's got cancer!

Gentleman waiting to hear if he's got cancer!

Do you like my new computer?

Two gigabyte? No.

Four gigabyte? No.

Six gigabyte? Close.

Five gigabyte!

It's more than I need, really.

So, are my results on that?

No, they're not.

So, where are they?

Ah, yes, cancer...or maybe not!

We will find out in the magic envelope.

I never look before the patient, it sort of spoils it.

Drum roll, please!

Oh...shit!

My brand new computer!

Oh, don't believe this.

HE SUCKS

And she forgot the sugar!

Oh, my new computer!

Ah, that really puts things into perspective.

Can you look at the results?

Yes, I can.

HE SIGHS

Oh, dear.

What is it?

I can't believe my computer.

Do you think I can recover files from this?

What about the results?

-No, it's not cancer.

-Oh, thank God.

Bloody hell, not only is my computer broken

but these cancer leaflets I got especially for you

were a complete waste of my time.

Well, hopefully someone today will have cancer. Thank you.

MUSIC PLAYING Yes!

Angry Birds!

Yippee!

Yeah, we're the Manchester M21 Gang. Bang, do you know what I mean?

AKA The Manchester Mental Heads.

Yes, you know what I mean? Course we are.

AKA The Manchester Maddos.

Bang! Do you know what I mean, like? Yeah, you know what I mean, like?

Yeah, of course we'll do a bit of arson, ain't we, boys?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, we'll do a bit of looting, or whatever.

Do you know what I mean?

We only do these things because we're fucking bored.

There's nothing to do, you know what I mean?

When people say, like, "Why don't you do something with your lives?"

Thing is, we have.

I mean, Dwayne, right, Dwayne's managed to genetically modify wheat

so it produces eight times the yield with half the water.

He's potentially going to save 25 million lives a year

in sub-Saharan Africa

but the government's GM licensing regulations are so stringent

he's been told they'll take five years to analyse his data

and make a final decision.

So, of course he's going to drive a car through a shop window!

Bang!

You do know why I've stopped you, don't you, sir?

It's cos you're Asian, sir.

Like to step out of the car for me, please.

'I joined the force to stop the bad guys.'

The robbers, the murderers...

and, of course, black people.

Everything all right, madam?

Yes, fine, I just had a bit of trouble...

Don't you worry, madam.

Ooh, he's just changing the, er...

Got him!

He was trying to steal your tyres - probably lives in those bushes.

Today I've got the in-laws coming round

and I really want to cook them something special,

so I'm going to be serving up duck a l'orange made easy -

chicken with biscuits.

Chickens are a lot cheaper if you buy 'em still feathered.

Use an ordinary gent's razor to shave the chicken.

I'm using a Gillette MACH3 with Boots own brand foam

or, if time's not an issue, use Veet, formerly known as Immac.

Now over here is one I shaved last night, with me cousin.

I like me chicken really succulent

so I'm going to massage in about five kilos of butter.

Now, you didn't need to fork out on expensive cooking equipment,

and instead of using a roasting tray I'm using a hub cap.

Now it's hard to say exactly what temperature

you need to cook the chicken

cos me oven markings have all rubbed off

but I recommend pointing the knob...

to the bottom of the washing machine window

or if you're cooking a particularly big chicken...

..I'd point the knob to the middle of the window.

Cooking times may vary,

depending on the size and position of your washing machine.

Now, let's start preparing the biscuits.

The biscuits that go by far the best with chicken are chocolate fingers.

I really like chocolate fingers, so I'm going to use 15 boxes.

Once the chicken's done...

..pour off that excess butter.

That'll condense nicely into some delicious chicken butter.

There we go.

I want their meal to have a real wow factor,

so I'm propping up about 50 chocolate fingers

either side of the chicken

to make this...a chocolate finger tent.

And the remaining 750 chocolate fingers

I'm just going to put in a bowl to serve cold with the meal.

And there we gan.

I hope the in-laws are going to be chuffed,

that's duck a l'orange with a difference.

Chicken in a chocolate finger tent with cold chocolate fingers.

Hello and welcome to Praise Be to Jesus Television

with me, Pastor Daniel Boule.

Today I want to talk to you about the meaning of Christmas,

with all the present giving and commercialisation

people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas -

which is NOT to be gay.

Let us remind ourselves of the Christmas story.

There were three wise men.

Why were they called the wise men?

Because none of them thought about dick.

They were travelling around, just the three of them,

for many days and nights, but they were so wise

they resisted the temptation to touch each other's dicks

and rub each other's balls.

And they could have used their wisdom to think of new gay positions -

for example they could have laid down in the shape of an M,

where wise man one and three suck off wise man number two,

whilst wise man number two wanks them both off furiously

until they come all over his wise face.

So do not spend Christmastime like King Herod,

thinking about Justin Bieber in his little blue pants

with slightly wet lips,

just how he looks in the December page of his calendar,

which I have here in my office to warn people of the dangers

of misinterpreting the Christmas message.

Have a happy dick-free Christmas

and, please, let Jesus into your life and stop thinking about dick, amen.

I have some business to attend to in my office.

This station will shut down for eight minutes.

Pool table for two hours, yeah?

Ooh, er, do you do discounts for the blind?

This guy's a joker!

Oi, are you serious? Playing pool when you're blind?

Tell me you're taking the piss, yeah?

All right, or whoever said that.

I tell you what, 50 quid says I can beat ya.

50 quid!

Yeah, I'll tell you what, yeah, we'll make it 100, yeah?

All right, fine, 100.

I'll even use my cane as a cue.

Nine ball, top right corner, five centimetres to the left.

12 ball, middle pocket, about nine centimetres away.

CROWD APPLAUDS

Shh-shh-shh!

Let me have a listen.

OK.

Yes.

You got proper lucky there, bruv. Here, here's the 100.

You owe me another ten.

Man, there should be a Channel Five documentary about you!

PHONE BEEPS

Sweet, the bird I met earlier, she wants to hook up.

Erm, will someone read this for me?

The BBC news with me, Rabbi Stibelstein.

Tonight's headlines. Hayfever, every year, you think that's

fun for me? Argh, let's just go to the sport, what was the Spurs score?

I couldn't go today cos of the grass.

It's the start of a brand-new Premier League season.

Superstar Jason Bent

and the rest of the squad are about to meet their new manager.

GENERAL CHATTER

MUTED APPLAUSE

I want to say welcome to a new chapter for the club.

It's a very exciting time.

We play simple, pass, move, tiki-taka football.

I'm, erm, very glad that Eddie, he's continuing as the club's, erm,

first team coach.

Eddie, would you like to say a few words?

We are going to fuck teams up.

Give it! Get up their arses!

Put pressure on them, be first to the ball,

let 'em know you're in the game.

Erm, thank you Eddie.

So, as Eddie was saying, we're going to be playing a flexible 4-5-1.

I have, erm, decided that the captain for this season will again be

Jason Bent.

CHEERS

Jason, would you like to say some, erm, few words?

Just finishing off this tweet...

"..and then we all fucked her."

Have you anything to say about the season ahead?

I think your formation's shit.

OK, I like to think my record speaks for itself

but, erm, what tactics, erm, you prefer?

4-6-3's better.

Jason, that's too many players.

Well, if not that, then other numbers.

We are going to start with 4-5-1 and hopefully

we can all work, erm, with this system.

Eddie, do you agree?

You fucking get it on your heads, son, straight in the onion bag.

One-nil, come on, son, lads, let's win this fucking game, hey?

Meanwhile, tensions continue on the training ground.

OK, you're now going to fan out, Gio, you attack the front post.

Why does Gio get the front post?

OK, Jason - you take the front post, Gio, you take the back post.

I've changed me mind.

Jason, pick what post you want, tell everyone and stick to it.

I don't want a post now. I want to take the corner.

Come to my office now, please. Eddie, take over.

Get stuck in, get up their arses.

Move, come on, let's win this fucking game.

Jason, tell me what you would like from me.

I want to take the corners.

Fine, you take corners.

And all the free kicks.

Fine.

And I want your parking space.

What?

It's one space nearer the entrance.

Fine, I don't care.

And I want you to grow a moustache, a big droopy one like a Mexican.

Jason, no! You're being stupid.

I am the manager, I run everything here.

Fine, I'll talk to the chairman.

Would you do that?

No, it's no u-turn, erm, we are going to play a different formation

this season.

Yeah, we're going to play 4-6-3, aren't we?

Yes, we are, erm, going to, erm, try and do that.

Hello, today's weather in Scotland.

Well, if you're vulnerable,

last night would have been that step too far.

Better news today - we're actually looking at a rather pleasant zero.

Tomorrow, temperatures could drop dramatically again, high

pressure pushing the cloud forward, bringing some Siberian winds.

Possibly snow or hail, a guid day for fruit-picking!

Wednesday, much the same, heavy cloud cover, thick freezing frost

and during the day it will be pitch black.

Weather warning! Don't try and urinate outdoors.

In summary, suicidal. Thanks for your photos, keep 'em coming in.

Here is a tramp in the rain,

here's a pickled onion

and here's a dead bird.

Enjoy your day.

Whack-back-back-back-back-back-back, you're listening to Kenny K,

keep it locked down, my friends, cos you are in the right place,

it's the place, it's my place, it's druuum and bass.

First up, let's head to the texts, let's head to the tweets

and let's head to them Facebook messages.

I asked you, what is your favourite colour?

Response has been caning it in.

Mark from Milton Keynes has texted in

and says, "blue."

Jamal from Bexley's tweeted saying he likes yellow,

but also likes other colours, that's crazy.

Jamal, I'm loving your attitude there.

Got someone texting in saying, "green," no name on that,

if that's you, you know who you are, please let me know your name.

Kelly from Aberdeen says she doesn't know the exact name

but it's a sort of bluey, pinky colour,

we're going to go on a search for that, Kelly, that's for sure.

Neil saying he doesn't know how to describe it

but it's like a carpet colour.

I know exactly what you're getting at, Neil.

Had a flood of texts after Kelly's mad bluey, pinky text.

Raz from Whalley Range says, "Is it lavender?"

Kell, you've really got to let us know,

this is getting crazy tense up in here, man, with me, Kenny K,

feel the tension rising up all the way from the feet,

up through the body and spitting it out right here, right now on FX FM -

you know the score.

Check this.

EXCITED CHATTER

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

I'm your new headmaster.

What's my name?

You don't need to know my name,

all you need to know is this school is failing.

Now, do I look like the sort of fella who wants to

be in charge of the worst school in Hampshire?

Hmm? Well, do I?

ALL: No, sir.

Then stop treating me like a bitch, or Daddy's going to bite someone.

Year 11s, I'll rip your throats out

unless you improve your French comprehension.

Year Nine, I hear you've got a little problem with the uniform.

You got a problem with the uniform -

you've got a problem with my knife.

Now, there's going to be a few little changes to the teaching

methods around here.

Detention? This is going to be replacing the detention.

GASPS

It will still last 45 minutes, though. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Writing lines?

Not any more you won't be -

these are going to be your new lines.

I hope everyone's more than happy with my appointment here

but anyone who's not...

it's your lucky day - position's now available.

Who wants it, hey, here it is, who wants it, hey?

Who wants it? Anyone, WHO WANTS IT?

THOUGHT NOT, YOU AIN'T GOT THE BOLLOCKS!

-HUSHED:

-I'm the daddy.

BELL RINGS

Right, now piss off and learn somethin'.

I asked you, "what is your favourite colour?"

Mark from Milton Keynes has come back saying

he texted in earlier saying his favourite colour was blue, but

after hearing that text about green, he's saying he also now likes green.

Thanks for keeping us in the loop with that.

Oh my gosh, this is a mad one that's just come in on my screen right now

from Jen in Carlisle, who's saying, check this, she likes pistachio.

Oh my gosh, that's got to be one of the maddest texts I ever read

out on this show, oh my gosh, pistachio, that's not even a colour!

I love that, Jen.

If you're half as crazy as that in real life, you're crazy!

Mobeen from Hull

saying she likes all sorts of colour

but doesn't actually want to commit to one.

Enough respect for that, Mobeen coming at you from me, Kenny K.

Oh my days, Kelly's contacted the programme

again about the bluey pinky thing and saying she still doesn't know.

Check this!

GLASS SMASHES

A new group have arrived in Kavos and holiday reps Chris

and Chloe are welcoming them to the island...

..ensuring it'll be a week they'll never forget.

My name's Chris, I'm your rep for the week, let's get fucked up!

LOUD CHEERS

Right, first a quick note about safety this week.

Let me get the safety rules out of me pocket.

Whoa-aaa! Fuck all!

And I'm Chloe.

I've been repping four years and I've fucked over 900 people!

WHOOPS AND CHEERS

Right, who wants to get their tits out?

Some lucky bloke's going to be coming over them this afternoon.

Yes, now who wants to win a bottle of vodka?

CHEERS

OK, who knows where Kavos is?

Come on, somebody! Anyone, where is Kavos?

Is it in Greece?

Woooh, come here, mate, here's your vodka.

GASPS AND CHEERS

Listen, right, we're not here to learn, we're here to get fucked up.

All right, this is the Hotel Yorgos.

WHOOPS

Ah, and that's Yorgos himself.

CHEERS

Let's give him a nice British hello.

-ALL:

-Fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos,

fuck off, Yorgos.

Hey, Yorgos!

Right, who's got their passports handy?

That's what happens when you set fire to a passport.

All right, I need a volunteer. Volunteers, hands up.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

OK. OK.

It's quite deep, so you can go in head first, or you can jump.

Jump.

He's going to jump.

Three...two...one!

-ALL:

-Blindfold pool jump!

Right, I want you to go inside, unpack your bags

and smash your rooms to fucking pieces.

-ALL:

-Let's get fucked up.

Hi.

Hi.

Ooh!

That happened cos I'm blind.

Yeah, erm, I've been doing some thinking and with me

it's all or nothing.

I think going out with a blind bloke is just too much responsibility.

Oh, no, don't worry about that, after our chat I looked into it

and I went to Boots and I got some drops and I'm cured.

Yeah.

The lids were stuck together with sleep, which is quite common

but no-one's ever had it for ten years before.

Oh, that's brilliant!

Bloody hell, the world's all bright and colourful

and everything is so beautiful.

Now I'd love to see a vagina!

I've read so much about 'em, well, brailed.

Oy!

Oh, shit.

You ain't blind at all, bruv.

Made me look like a right fool back there - give me

back my money, you little prick.

Excuse me, he actually was blind until he looked into it this

afternoon and went to Boots and got some drops and it cured him.

It was actually sleep that was holding them together,

which is really common, but no-one's had it for ten years

and now all he wants to do is see a vagina.

DANCE MUSIC

CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING

MUSIC STOPS

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd