Episode 1 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People


Episode 1

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This programme contains strong language and adult humour

0:00:020:00:06

Lee, come on, open the door.

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HAMMERING ON DOOR

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Oi, Nelson, you bell end!

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What you waking me at this time for, you nutter?

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It's 11.30.

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You've got to look after my mum's dog for me.

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Nah, I'm going snooker today, innit? Bought this bad boy yesterday.

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Oh, mate, I'm working Fried Chicken Cottage all day.

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You can take a dog into Fried Chicken Cottage.

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I know but I'm worried they're going to cook him.

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I ain't looking after a gay dog like Hector!

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Ah, please, man!

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All right, but if he does a shit I ain't clearing it up.

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Course not, I don't!

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Later.

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Ooh, yeah, school, you're late, hurry up.

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-What are you going to tell your teacher?

-Epileptic attack.

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Bingo.

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-Ooh, packed lunch!

-It's in the fridge, Dad!

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Legend!

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It's a gay dog.

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Your dog's bent.

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Poof!

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Oh, man.

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Hector, man, you're messing up my reputation!

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I ain't been called gay this many times

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since I wore a sarong to that Millwall game.

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I ain't never taking 20 pills again.

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Can I just say I think you're really brave.

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Yeah.

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The way you're just getting on with life despite your...problem.

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Yeah...I do just get on with it.

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-What problem?

-Not being able to see.

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Yeah, yeah.

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I am totally blind, I can't see a bloody thing.

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So, how old were you when it happened?

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12. Would you believe 12?

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Of course! And how did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

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Er, I dunno, I never really looked into it

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but my hearing's well good, so that just, sort of, compensated.

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Oh, do you mind if I have a listen to what you look like?

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No, not at all.

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32C?

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Yeah, that's amazing.

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No, THEY'RE amazing! Well, they sound amazing anyway.

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Oh, he's amazing too. Do you mind if I stroke him? He's SO sweet.

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Yeah, he's like a four-legged TomTom.

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Oh, I think he's just done a poo. Have you got a bag to clean that up?

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Nah, nah, I leave 'em all - it's how we find our way back.

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Look, I've got to head but can I get your number?

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Are you all right writing?

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Yeah! Oh, as long as I've got something to lean on.

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There...

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you...

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..nearly...finished...

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go!

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Bye.

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Oh, bye.

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HORN HONKING

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Bye.

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Gentleman waiting to hear if he's got cancer!

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Gentleman waiting to hear if he's got cancer!

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Do you like my new computer?

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Two gigabyte? No.

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Four gigabyte? No.

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Six gigabyte? Close.

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Five gigabyte!

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It's more than I need, really.

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So, are my results on that?

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No, they're not.

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So, where are they?

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Ah, yes, cancer...or maybe not!

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We will find out in the magic envelope.

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I never look before the patient, it sort of spoils it.

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Drum roll, please!

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Oh...shit!

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My brand new computer!

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Oh, don't believe this.

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HE SUCKS

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And she forgot the sugar!

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Oh, my new computer!

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Ah, that really puts things into perspective.

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Can you look at the results?

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Yes, I can.

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HE SIGHS

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Oh, dear.

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What is it?

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I can't believe my computer.

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Do you think I can recover files from this?

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What about the results?

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-No, it's not cancer.

-Oh, thank God.

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Bloody hell, not only is my computer broken

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but these cancer leaflets I got especially for you

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were a complete waste of my time.

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Well, hopefully someone today will have cancer. Thank you.

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MUSIC PLAYING Yes!

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Angry Birds!

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Yippee!

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Yeah, we're the Manchester M21 Gang. Bang, do you know what I mean?

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AKA The Manchester Mental Heads.

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Yes, you know what I mean? Course we are.

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AKA The Manchester Maddos.

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Bang! Do you know what I mean, like? Yeah, you know what I mean, like?

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Yeah, of course we'll do a bit of arson, ain't we, boys?

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Do you know what I mean? Yeah, we'll do a bit of looting, or whatever.

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Do you know what I mean?

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We only do these things because we're fucking bored.

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There's nothing to do, you know what I mean?

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When people say, like, "Why don't you do something with your lives?"

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Thing is, we have.

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I mean, Dwayne, right, Dwayne's managed to genetically modify wheat

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so it produces eight times the yield with half the water.

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He's potentially going to save 25 million lives a year

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in sub-Saharan Africa

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but the government's GM licensing regulations are so stringent

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he's been told they'll take five years to analyse his data

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and make a final decision.

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So, of course he's going to drive a car through a shop window!

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Bang!

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You do know why I've stopped you, don't you, sir?

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It's cos you're Asian, sir.

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Like to step out of the car for me, please.

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'I joined the force to stop the bad guys.'

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The robbers, the murderers...

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and, of course, black people.

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Everything all right, madam?

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Yes, fine, I just had a bit of trouble...

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Don't you worry, madam.

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Ooh, he's just changing the, er...

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Got him!

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He was trying to steal your tyres - probably lives in those bushes.

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Today I've got the in-laws coming round

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and I really want to cook them something special,

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so I'm going to be serving up duck a l'orange made easy -

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chicken with biscuits.

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Chickens are a lot cheaper if you buy 'em still feathered.

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Use an ordinary gent's razor to shave the chicken.

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I'm using a Gillette MACH3 with Boots own brand foam

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or, if time's not an issue, use Veet, formerly known as Immac.

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Now over here is one I shaved last night, with me cousin.

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I like me chicken really succulent

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so I'm going to massage in about five kilos of butter.

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Now, you didn't need to fork out on expensive cooking equipment,

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and instead of using a roasting tray I'm using a hub cap.

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Now it's hard to say exactly what temperature

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you need to cook the chicken

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cos me oven markings have all rubbed off

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but I recommend pointing the knob...

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to the bottom of the washing machine window

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or if you're cooking a particularly big chicken...

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..I'd point the knob to the middle of the window.

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Cooking times may vary,

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depending on the size and position of your washing machine.

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Now, let's start preparing the biscuits.

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The biscuits that go by far the best with chicken are chocolate fingers.

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I really like chocolate fingers, so I'm going to use 15 boxes.

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Once the chicken's done...

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..pour off that excess butter.

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That'll condense nicely into some delicious chicken butter.

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There we go.

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I want their meal to have a real wow factor,

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so I'm propping up about 50 chocolate fingers

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either side of the chicken

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to make this...a chocolate finger tent.

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And the remaining 750 chocolate fingers

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I'm just going to put in a bowl to serve cold with the meal.

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And there we gan.

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I hope the in-laws are going to be chuffed,

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that's duck a l'orange with a difference.

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Chicken in a chocolate finger tent with cold chocolate fingers.

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Hello and welcome to Praise Be to Jesus Television

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with me, Pastor Daniel Boule.

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Today I want to talk to you about the meaning of Christmas,

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with all the present giving and commercialisation

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people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas -

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which is NOT to be gay.

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Let us remind ourselves of the Christmas story.

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There were three wise men.

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Why were they called the wise men?

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Because none of them thought about dick.

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They were travelling around, just the three of them,

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for many days and nights, but they were so wise

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they resisted the temptation to touch each other's dicks

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and rub each other's balls.

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And they could have used their wisdom to think of new gay positions -

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for example they could have laid down in the shape of an M,

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where wise man one and three suck off wise man number two,

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whilst wise man number two wanks them both off furiously

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until they come all over his wise face.

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So do not spend Christmastime like King Herod,

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thinking about Justin Bieber in his little blue pants

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with slightly wet lips,

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just how he looks in the December page of his calendar,

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which I have here in my office to warn people of the dangers

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of misinterpreting the Christmas message.

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Have a happy dick-free Christmas

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and, please, let Jesus into your life and stop thinking about dick, amen.

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I have some business to attend to in my office.

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This station will shut down for eight minutes.

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Pool table for two hours, yeah?

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Ooh, er, do you do discounts for the blind?

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This guy's a joker!

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Oi, are you serious? Playing pool when you're blind?

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Tell me you're taking the piss, yeah?

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All right, or whoever said that.

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I tell you what, 50 quid says I can beat ya.

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50 quid!

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Yeah, I'll tell you what, yeah, we'll make it 100, yeah?

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All right, fine, 100.

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I'll even use my cane as a cue.

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Nine ball, top right corner, five centimetres to the left.

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12 ball, middle pocket, about nine centimetres away.

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CROWD APPLAUDS

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Shh-shh-shh!

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Let me have a listen.

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OK.

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Yes.

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You got proper lucky there, bruv. Here, here's the 100.

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You owe me another ten.

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Man, there should be a Channel Five documentary about you!

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PHONE BEEPS

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Sweet, the bird I met earlier, she wants to hook up.

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Erm, will someone read this for me?

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The BBC news with me, Rabbi Stibelstein.

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Tonight's headlines. Hayfever, every year, you think that's

0:14:200:14:25

fun for me? Argh, let's just go to the sport, what was the Spurs score?

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I couldn't go today cos of the grass.

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It's the start of a brand-new Premier League season.

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Superstar Jason Bent

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and the rest of the squad are about to meet their new manager.

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GENERAL CHATTER

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MUTED APPLAUSE

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I want to say welcome to a new chapter for the club.

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It's a very exciting time.

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We play simple, pass, move, tiki-taka football.

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I'm, erm, very glad that Eddie, he's continuing as the club's, erm,

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first team coach.

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Eddie, would you like to say a few words?

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We are going to fuck teams up.

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Give it! Get up their arses!

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Put pressure on them, be first to the ball,

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let 'em know you're in the game.

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Erm, thank you Eddie.

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So, as Eddie was saying, we're going to be playing a flexible 4-5-1.

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I have, erm, decided that the captain for this season will again be

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Jason Bent.

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CHEERS

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Jason, would you like to say some, erm, few words?

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Just finishing off this tweet...

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"..and then we all fucked her."

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Have you anything to say about the season ahead?

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I think your formation's shit.

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OK, I like to think my record speaks for itself

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but, erm, what tactics, erm, you prefer?

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4-6-3's better.

0:16:050:16:06

Jason, that's too many players.

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Well, if not that, then other numbers.

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We are going to start with 4-5-1 and hopefully

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we can all work, erm, with this system.

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Eddie, do you agree?

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You fucking get it on your heads, son, straight in the onion bag.

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One-nil, come on, son, lads, let's win this fucking game, hey?

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Meanwhile, tensions continue on the training ground.

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OK, you're now going to fan out, Gio, you attack the front post.

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Why does Gio get the front post?

0:16:360:16:38

OK, Jason - you take the front post, Gio, you take the back post.

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I've changed me mind.

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Jason, pick what post you want, tell everyone and stick to it.

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I don't want a post now. I want to take the corner.

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Come to my office now, please. Eddie, take over.

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Get stuck in, get up their arses.

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Move, come on, let's win this fucking game.

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Jason, tell me what you would like from me.

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I want to take the corners.

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Fine, you take corners.

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And all the free kicks.

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Fine.

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And I want your parking space.

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What?

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It's one space nearer the entrance.

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Fine, I don't care.

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And I want you to grow a moustache, a big droopy one like a Mexican.

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Jason, no! You're being stupid.

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I am the manager, I run everything here.

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Fine, I'll talk to the chairman.

0:17:250:17:26

Would you do that?

0:17:260:17:28

No, it's no u-turn, erm, we are going to play a different formation

0:17:290:17:34

this season.

0:17:340:17:36

Yeah, we're going to play 4-6-3, aren't we?

0:17:360:17:39

Yes, we are, erm, going to, erm, try and do that.

0:17:390:17:42

Hello, today's weather in Scotland.

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Well, if you're vulnerable,

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last night would have been that step too far.

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Better news today - we're actually looking at a rather pleasant zero.

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Tomorrow, temperatures could drop dramatically again, high

0:17:590:18:03

pressure pushing the cloud forward, bringing some Siberian winds.

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Possibly snow or hail, a guid day for fruit-picking!

0:18:070:18:12

Wednesday, much the same, heavy cloud cover, thick freezing frost

0:18:120:18:16

and during the day it will be pitch black.

0:18:160:18:20

Weather warning! Don't try and urinate outdoors.

0:18:200:18:23

In summary, suicidal. Thanks for your photos, keep 'em coming in.

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Here is a tramp in the rain,

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here's a pickled onion

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and here's a dead bird.

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Enjoy your day.

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Whack-back-back-back-back-back-back, you're listening to Kenny K,

0:18:410:18:45

keep it locked down, my friends, cos you are in the right place,

0:18:450:18:49

it's the place, it's my place, it's druuum and bass.

0:18:490:18:53

First up, let's head to the texts, let's head to the tweets

0:18:530:18:55

and let's head to them Facebook messages.

0:18:550:18:58

I asked you, what is your favourite colour?

0:18:580:19:02

Response has been caning it in.

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Mark from Milton Keynes has texted in

0:19:040:19:07

and says, "blue."

0:19:070:19:08

Jamal from Bexley's tweeted saying he likes yellow,

0:19:080:19:12

but also likes other colours, that's crazy.

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Jamal, I'm loving your attitude there.

0:19:150:19:17

Got someone texting in saying, "green," no name on that,

0:19:170:19:21

if that's you, you know who you are, please let me know your name.

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Kelly from Aberdeen says she doesn't know the exact name

0:19:250:19:28

but it's a sort of bluey, pinky colour,

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we're going to go on a search for that, Kelly, that's for sure.

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Neil saying he doesn't know how to describe it

0:19:350:19:37

but it's like a carpet colour.

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I know exactly what you're getting at, Neil.

0:19:380:19:40

Had a flood of texts after Kelly's mad bluey, pinky text.

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Raz from Whalley Range says, "Is it lavender?"

0:19:440:19:47

Kell, you've really got to let us know,

0:19:470:19:50

this is getting crazy tense up in here, man, with me, Kenny K,

0:19:500:19:54

feel the tension rising up all the way from the feet,

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up through the body and spitting it out right here, right now on FX FM -

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you know the score.

0:20:010:20:03

Check this.

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EXCITED CHATTER

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HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

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I'm your new headmaster.

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What's my name?

0:20:190:20:21

You don't need to know my name,

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all you need to know is this school is failing.

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Now, do I look like the sort of fella who wants to

0:20:320:20:35

be in charge of the worst school in Hampshire?

0:20:350:20:40

Hmm? Well, do I?

0:20:400:20:45

ALL: No, sir.

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Then stop treating me like a bitch, or Daddy's going to bite someone.

0:20:470:20:54

Year 11s, I'll rip your throats out

0:21:030:21:06

unless you improve your French comprehension.

0:21:060:21:09

Year Nine, I hear you've got a little problem with the uniform.

0:21:090:21:14

You got a problem with the uniform -

0:21:140:21:17

you've got a problem with my knife.

0:21:170:21:19

Now, there's going to be a few little changes to the teaching

0:21:220:21:26

methods around here.

0:21:260:21:27

Detention? This is going to be replacing the detention.

0:21:270:21:33

GASPS

0:21:350:21:37

It will still last 45 minutes, though. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:21:370:21:39

Writing lines?

0:21:430:21:45

Not any more you won't be -

0:21:450:21:46

these are going to be your new lines.

0:21:460:21:49

I hope everyone's more than happy with my appointment here

0:21:520:21:57

but anyone who's not...

0:21:570:21:58

it's your lucky day - position's now available.

0:22:030:22:06

Who wants it, hey, here it is, who wants it, hey?

0:22:060:22:12

Who wants it? Anyone, WHO WANTS IT?

0:22:120:22:14

THOUGHT NOT, YOU AIN'T GOT THE BOLLOCKS!

0:22:160:22:19

-HUSHED:

-I'm the daddy.

0:22:220:22:23

BELL RINGS

0:22:230:22:25

Right, now piss off and learn somethin'.

0:22:250:22:29

I asked you, "what is your favourite colour?"

0:22:330:22:37

Mark from Milton Keynes has come back saying

0:22:370:22:39

he texted in earlier saying his favourite colour was blue, but

0:22:390:22:43

after hearing that text about green, he's saying he also now likes green.

0:22:430:22:46

Thanks for keeping us in the loop with that.

0:22:460:22:49

Oh my gosh, this is a mad one that's just come in on my screen right now

0:22:490:22:52

from Jen in Carlisle, who's saying, check this, she likes pistachio.

0:22:520:22:57

Oh my gosh, that's got to be one of the maddest texts I ever read

0:22:570:23:00

out on this show, oh my gosh, pistachio, that's not even a colour!

0:23:000:23:04

I love that, Jen.

0:23:040:23:05

If you're half as crazy as that in real life, you're crazy!

0:23:050:23:09

Mobeen from Hull

0:23:090:23:10

saying she likes all sorts of colour

0:23:100:23:12

but doesn't actually want to commit to one.

0:23:120:23:14

Enough respect for that, Mobeen coming at you from me, Kenny K.

0:23:140:23:16

Oh my days, Kelly's contacted the programme

0:23:160:23:19

again about the bluey pinky thing and saying she still doesn't know.

0:23:190:23:24

Check this!

0:23:240:23:26

GLASS SMASHES

0:23:260:23:28

A new group have arrived in Kavos and holiday reps Chris

0:23:290:23:33

and Chloe are welcoming them to the island...

0:23:330:23:36

..ensuring it'll be a week they'll never forget.

0:23:380:23:41

My name's Chris, I'm your rep for the week, let's get fucked up!

0:23:410:23:45

LOUD CHEERS

0:23:450:23:47

Right, first a quick note about safety this week.

0:23:510:23:55

Let me get the safety rules out of me pocket.

0:23:550:23:58

Whoa-aaa! Fuck all!

0:23:580:24:00

And I'm Chloe.

0:24:050:24:06

I've been repping four years and I've fucked over 900 people!

0:24:060:24:10

WHOOPS AND CHEERS

0:24:100:24:12

Right, who wants to get their tits out?

0:24:150:24:18

Some lucky bloke's going to be coming over them this afternoon.

0:24:220:24:28

Yes, now who wants to win a bottle of vodka?

0:24:280:24:31

CHEERS

0:24:310:24:33

OK, who knows where Kavos is?

0:24:340:24:37

Come on, somebody! Anyone, where is Kavos?

0:24:390:24:42

Is it in Greece?

0:24:420:24:44

Woooh, come here, mate, here's your vodka.

0:24:440:24:46

GASPS AND CHEERS

0:24:460:24:50

Listen, right, we're not here to learn, we're here to get fucked up.

0:24:500:24:54

All right, this is the Hotel Yorgos.

0:25:020:25:04

WHOOPS

0:25:040:25:07

Ah, and that's Yorgos himself.

0:25:070:25:09

CHEERS

0:25:090:25:11

Let's give him a nice British hello.

0:25:110:25:13

-ALL:

-Fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos,

0:25:130:25:19

fuck off, Yorgos.

0:25:190:25:20

Hey, Yorgos!

0:25:200:25:22

Right, who's got their passports handy?

0:25:240:25:28

That's what happens when you set fire to a passport.

0:25:280:25:31

All right, I need a volunteer. Volunteers, hands up.

0:25:340:25:38

STIFLED LAUGHTER

0:25:380:25:40

OK. OK.

0:25:400:25:42

It's quite deep, so you can go in head first, or you can jump.

0:25:420:25:46

Jump.

0:25:460:25:47

He's going to jump.

0:25:470:25:50

Three...two...one!

0:25:500:25:53

-ALL:

-Blindfold pool jump!

0:25:530:25:55

Right, I want you to go inside, unpack your bags

0:26:010:26:04

and smash your rooms to fucking pieces.

0:26:040:26:07

-ALL:

-Let's get fucked up.

0:26:090:26:13

Hi.

0:26:200:26:22

Hi.

0:26:220:26:23

Ooh!

0:26:260:26:29

That happened cos I'm blind.

0:26:290:26:32

Yeah, erm, I've been doing some thinking and with me

0:26:320:26:37

it's all or nothing.

0:26:380:26:40

I think going out with a blind bloke is just too much responsibility.

0:26:400:26:45

Oh, no, don't worry about that, after our chat I looked into it

0:26:450:26:49

and I went to Boots and I got some drops and I'm cured.

0:26:490:26:53

Yeah.

0:26:530:26:55

The lids were stuck together with sleep, which is quite common

0:26:550:27:00

but no-one's ever had it for ten years before.

0:27:000:27:03

Oh, that's brilliant!

0:27:030:27:05

Bloody hell, the world's all bright and colourful

0:27:050:27:08

and everything is so beautiful.

0:27:080:27:10

Now I'd love to see a vagina!

0:27:100:27:14

I've read so much about 'em, well, brailed.

0:27:140:27:17

Oy!

0:27:170:27:18

Oh, shit.

0:27:180:27:20

You ain't blind at all, bruv.

0:27:200:27:22

Made me look like a right fool back there - give me

0:27:220:27:25

back my money, you little prick.

0:27:250:27:26

Excuse me, he actually was blind until he looked into it this

0:27:260:27:29

afternoon and went to Boots and got some drops and it cured him.

0:27:290:27:32

It was actually sleep that was holding them together,

0:27:320:27:34

which is really common, but no-one's had it for ten years

0:27:340:27:36

and now all he wants to do is see a vagina.

0:27:360:27:39

DANCE MUSIC

0:27:470:27:50

CHEERING

0:27:560:27:58

LOUD CHEERING

0:28:070:28:09

MUSIC STOPS

0:28:170:28:18

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0:28:220:28:23

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0:28:230:28:26

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