Episode 2 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

-Let's get married.

-Yeah.

-Ams.

-Umm?

Good night, weren't it?

Um, the best.

Do you remember much of the sort of...detail?

I remember you proposing.

Yeah...

it's good, innit?

Just off to be sick.

MAN LAUGHING

Nah, you...you've done the right thing. Sensible.

Why now?

Just felt like the right time, you know, after my seventh pill.

You know, you ain't allowed

to sleep with any other birds when you're married.

Really? Oy, what about a threesome?

Yeah, a grey area, that.

You don't want to mess Amber about, though.

She's a good'n.

You know what? It's time.

What do I want to be banging other birds for, anyway?

Why go out for chicken nuggets

when I've got flame grilled peri peri chicken at home?

Mind you, sometimes you just fancy some nuggets.

Some filthy, greasy nuggets.

Nah.

This is it for me. Amber's the one, I'm telling ya.

You know what you should do - buy her something that shows her

how much you love her

and how much you want to be with her for the rest of your life.

You are so right, man. I'm going to petrol station right now!

-BOTH:

-Yes.

It's half time in this key Premier League fixture

and Jason's not been performing as expected.

What's going on out there?

Why you no' linking up with Danny?

What's going on in that bloody head of yours? Well?

-He's gay.

-What?

He's gay.

What? Danny's not gay.

He is, everyone knows it.

He's not gay. As I said before, he just reads the newspaper.

Yeah and a lot of us don't like it.

And if I score, I'm not having him try and touch me.

Fucking paper reader!

I'm not saying he is gay but he was out the other night

and he had two glasses of wine.

Yeah, and then, apparently, last weekend he went to a museum.

So, leave you to draw your own conclusions.

J! J! Jamie!

Have a look at this, it's about Danny.

He's shagging three 15-year-old girls.

He's straight.

Lads, he's straight.

Hey, so sorry we got you all wrong, why didn't you tell us?

I wanted to but I couldn't,

it's been the subject of an active criminal investigation.

You mad sod. Come 'ere.

He's straight.

-Yeah.

-Yes!

-Yeah!

You straight bastard, come on, yes, he's straight.

-I know, I can't believe it.

-Yeah.

Get it on, get up their arses.

Come on, keep it tight.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Showers, come on, showers.

What's going on over here then?

What seems to be the problem, sir?

There's just been a mugging.

Is that right? I'll need to take down one or two details.

Now, who is it you've mugged?

Well, good policing's all about dialogue.

Of course, we have face-to-face meetings

with Black and Asian community leaders.

How else are we going to arrest 'em?

By e-mail? Use your common sense.

Right, sir, what I need you to do now is breathe into this for me, sir.

MACHINE BEEPS

OK, as I thought.

Now, I regret to inform you, sir,

you're three and a half times over the ethnic limit.

Right, come with me, please, sir.

Today I feel like some comfort food, so I'm going to be making me

own simple version of a traditional winter warmer.

Bangers and biscuits.

These days you can get hold of so many cracking varieties

and flavours of sausage

and today I'm using an own brand value sausage.

Now, boil your sausages

and, to save water, I've filled the pan up from the bath.

Make sure your sausages boil for at least two hours

to soften up any bits of cartilage

and bone that you do tend to get in value sausages.

Now, let's start preparing them biscuits.

Normally, I'm easy going with your choice of biscuit

but because of the delicate balance of flavours

and textures in this dish, it's vital you use pink wafers.

To recreate the mash texture put your pink wafers into a pillowcase.

And smash 'em to smithereens with a tin of beans.

Then serve it up as a nice scoop on each plate,

like so,

using an ashtray. Looks cracking.

Now, when it's time, fish out your sausages.

But divvent throw away the water.

I'd recommend serving it all up with a couple of varieties of roast veg.

I'm thinking leek, broccoli, red pepper, courgette.

Or do what I'm going to do - use crisps.

I've gone for Space Raiders and, as a little treat, Nik Naks.

Now, a good gravy really sets off this dish which is why

I said not to throw away your boiled sausage bath water.

Pour the sausage water

over the sausages and wafer mash.

And that's your winter warmer complete -

bangers and biscuits,

two varieties of trade crisps

and lukewarm, boiled water gravy.

You know what I mean though, we're like, we're the Manchester M21 Gang.

Innit, bang, bang, bang! AK the Manchester Mental Heads,

Innit, AK Manchester Mados, yeah.

Do you know what I mean like, yeah, we go rioting and whatever, course we do,

do you know what I mean. Like, we'll burn things down or whatever.

Yeah, you know why we do these things? Cos we're so fucking bored.

Nothing to do. I mean, people say, like,

"Why don't you do summit with your lives?" Thing is we have.

I mean, Ryan, he's managed to get liver cells to regenerate in primate hepatic samples.

He's combined Vitamin A with a Folic complex that has observed massive improvements in liver cell function

over a two year period.

I mean, it'll revolutionise the treatment of hepatitis A, B, and D.

But because he's not affiliated to a teaching hospital,

the Government have cut all his funding.

So course he's going to drop concrete off of a motorway bridge!

Fucking bang-bang-bang!

Bang-bang-bang! Manchester Mados, Manchester M21 Gang!

Bang! Bang! Yeah!

Are you all right, Lee?

Oh, my gosh, yes! I ain't seen you in years, innit.

Yeah. I've been glamour modelling. Lost about seven stone.

I got my boobs done as well, double Gs.

-Have a feel.

-Really?

-Yeah, go on.

How do they feel?

Great. Like two massive tits.

How about the nipples? They're even more sensitive. Go on.

Oh, them nipples is quality!

Oh, Lee, you're so funny.

Do you, do you want to come back to my place for a smoke?

-Well, it's just...

-Oh, go on.

-Nah, I gotta...

-What you gotta do, sweety?

I'm off to buy Amber a present.

She's got a good one in you, that one.

Ooh.

Can I have one little feel again?

Can I help you with anything?

Oh, no, I'm all right thanks, sweets.

Can I help you?

Er, I've already said I'm all right, thank you, sweets.

Oh, you must have spoken to my twin sister, Kimberley.

She's in a bit of a bad mood today cos she's so horny.

The thing is, me and Kimberley, we feel like being so naughty today.

I'm getting married. I'm doing the right thing.

Oh, no, my top's so tight.

I need a big strong man to help me take it off.

I can't, gotta buy a wank benk, I mean present.

We'll, erm, just have to be naughty with each other then.

I have to leave now.

I can't believe this, man, this is...

Excuse me. Do you mind if I sit down?

Oh, not again.

Oh, yeah, yeah, course you can, sweets.

Do you know, I haven't got anything on underneath this.

# Where them girls at, girls at?

# Where them girls at, girls at?

# Where them girls at, girls at?

# So go get them, we can all be friends. #

I'm getting marr-i-i-i-i-i-ed!

Brap-brap-brap-brap-brap-brap-brap!

You're listening to Kenny K, keep it locked down, my friends,

cos you in the right place.

It's THE place, it's my place, it's drum and bass.

Coming up, we've got some of the illest tunes around the nation.

We're going to be tearing up all over the place, trust me.

But first up let's head to the texts,

let's head to the tweets, let's head to the Facebook messages.

I asked you, if you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

Response has gone crazy on that one.

Charlie from Oldham's texting me,

saying, "Elephant cos it's so big and it can move logs."

That's crazy when you think about that.

Mad shout out to Charlie from Oldham,

that's got to be one of the best first texts

ever read out on the show.

Anna from Port Talbot said she would like to be a chicken.

She doesn't say why, that's a real shame.

If you know why Anna from Port Talbot wants to be a chicken

make sure you let me know.

OK, Mark from East Kilbride's texted

and said he hasn't decided even though he's thought about it.

You keep thinking, Mark, it'll come. Don't force it.

Hello, today's weather in Scotland, what can I say?

Unseasonably warm today, will feel rather tropical.

Parts of Arbroath reaching two.

Further up the rest of the coast ten degrees lower, minus eight or nine,

it will feel a good 20 degrees colder with the wind.

If you're nearby, why not hire a pedalo?

Tuesday, morning starts out promising,

by afternoon, freezing fog, torrential sleet,

bitingly cold - do expect a fresh batch of suicides.

Wednesday, really picking up, temperatures up by a degree.

Perfect day to say final farewells to loved ones.

And summary - escape while you can.

As always, thanks for the photos you sent in.

Here is a flooded bungalow.

Here is a lady taking a piss in a lay-by.

Here is an unemployed gentleman with a smack habit.

Cheerio.

Crazy one here. Bertie from Waterloo

was going to say ant cos pound-for-pound it's the strongest animal in the world

and then he thought about how small they are and they probably don't live that long,

so he's changed his mind and he'd like to be a dog.

I think you making a right call there, Bertie.

Renjeet from Borehamwood reckon that Anna from Port Talbot

wants to be a chicken because she likes eggs,

and if you're a chicken you get a free supply of eggs for life.

Felix from Chorley reckons Ranjeet from Borehamwood was wrong about

Anna from Port Talbot wanting to be a chicken cos she likes eggs.

Cos he says if you're a chicken you wouldn't like eggs.

Oh, my days, Anna from Port Talbot is back on, people.

Keep it locked in for this one.

Let's hope that she's clearing up on her chicken thing.

She's saying she's changed her mind. She doesn't even want to be a chicken after all.

She wants to be a frog.

That's the craziest turn of events I've ever been involved in with a texter.

That's mad up, mad up, mad up. All we gotta do now is check this.

PLAYS MUSIC

Ah, a patient.

Hello, Mrs Jennings, you're looking fat.

And hello, son.

I haven't got any toys, I'm afraid.

Would you like an X-ray instead?

There's a nine month waiting list

so, er, here's some old needles to play with instead.

Now, let's find your file now shall we, Mrs Jennings?

Jennings, Jennings, Jennings.

No, no.

Right, Mrs Jennings, I don't appear to be able to locate your file.

Not to worry. I'll, er...

..write things down on this tissue and file it later.

Now, what's the problem, dear?

-I just feel really bunged up.

-Yes.

-Really thick mucus.

-Yes.

-And a bit tired.

-Yes.

-Bit of a sore throat, really.

-Yes.

And I came to see you last week and it hasn't improved at all.

Yes. I am listening but I'm also updating my Facebook status.

So I think it's time for some antibiotics.

You said that last week, it didn't work.

Hm, hm, hm. It's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

Where's Hugh Laurie when you need him?

Of course! Let's Google it!

Bunged up, moaning, fat lady.

That has brought up some surprise results.

How about a flu jab?

You gave me one of them last week as well.

Bloody hell, I'm good.

Hm, cough, sore throat, mucus.

Of course, why didn't I think of this sooner?

Yes, hello, sorry to disturb you. I've got a, er...

Well, I won't say.

Er, no, I will.

I've got a fat lady here with a sore throat.

I've tried antibiotics, that hasn't worked and I'm absolutely stumped.

Yes, yes, yes.

Great, OK. Never mind.

No, my wife doesn't know either.

There is some good news, though - it's cottage pie tonight.

Great!

Oh, my God!

Since becoming the break out star of hit reality show,

The Only Way is Macclesfield,

Gary Sedgmore's life has gone stratospheric.

Now he's got his own show.

We've been access all areas to bring you...

OMG. LOL. FYI. It's Gary!

Smiley, winky face emoticon.

I've got this new fridge, it's mental.

Ta da.

I keep me milk in these two drawers.

This one is off-milk and this one is off-milk as well, it's massive.

I can fit inside it.

Hello!

-Hi, Gary, I'm here.

-Ta da!

I've got my trousers on, let's go.

But, Gary, you need to put all your clothes on as a set.

Oh, I'm not sure I know my way back to the bedroom, Bev.

-Didn't you leave a trail of seeds?

-No. I ate them.

Oh, Gary, the taxi's here.

Oh, will he know where the bedroom is?

I'm just me. I mean, on the Only Way is Macclesfield,

I was Gary with him and I was Gary with her

and I was Gary with them two. I was Gary with everyone,

I'm just Gary. I mean, you could give me money

and I couldn't not be Gary. What are we talking about?

I've forgotten! That is so Gary.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you've seen him on The Only Way is Macclesfield.

Now here for you tonight it's Gary Sedgmore.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The thing is with me I'll think things

and I'll say what I think and they'll come out of my mouth

as words and what I say'll just come out me mouth.

Thanks and good night!

Gary, is that all you were going to say?

I thought you were going to say more.

Oh, Gary, you've started with your last card.

What am I like?

That is so Gary. That's what people like about you.

-But you've got to go on and do the rest of your cards.

-Right, I will.

Hi.

Have a great night!

Thanks and good night!

OK, now this man's got a plan,

he's saying he'd want to be a small monkey. He'd wait to be brought out

and he'd sneak into the garage then he'd smash up their stuff

and eat all their food from the fridge, and even if they caught him

no-one would think he'd be capable of doing it cos he was just

a small monkey so he'd get away with it.

My man, I purposely ain't giving your name

in case you go through with that plan.

-Excuse me, have you got two seconds of your time then?

-No.

Excuse me, have you got two seconds for charity? Two seconds.

-Excuse me, have you got two seconds for charity?

-I already give to charity.

Oh, fucking philanthropist, are we?

Bill fucking Gates? I'll just pass that on to the agoraphobic duck,

shall I? I'm sure that'll make him feel better every time

they step out of their hutch, he'll have a fucking panic attack.

-Well, I try to buy organic...

-Oh, shut the fuck up!

Put your details down there and shut your trap.

Come on, get a move on.

I assume you'll be putting £10 a month down.

Good fucking decision.

Keep your letters inside the boxes, it's all read by computers.

Common fucking sense, Jesus Christ!

Fucking eejit.

That's lovely, thanks very much. And you get a free

"Quack if you like ducks" badge.

Cheers. Excuse me, have you got two seconds for charity, please?

BBC News with me, Rabbi Steebelstein.

Forgive me if I don't read the news well, but I'm hungry

and the BBC only had shepherd's pie in the canteen,

it doesn't sit well with me, I forgot to bring in my own food,

it's all been a mess. We're having the kitchen redone. Let's just go to the sport.

Don't say the scores! I'm watching Match Of The Day!

Gary Lineker, ah!

It's the morning after the night before

and Chris is debriefing fellow holiday rep Chloe on what went down.

Oh, it was absolutely magic last night, Chlos.

We played the game where you have to shag someone

who doesn't want to shag you.

That's great.

You feeling all right, Chlo?

You hardly fucked anyone in the last 24 hours.

Yeah, I've been a bit down.

Oh, no. What is it?

It's silly.

Chlos, don't be daft, what is it?

-Well, you know I have an abortion every month?

-Yeah.

-Well, it were me 30th one yesterday.

-And....

I just feel like, I don't know, I'm not doing anything useful.

Don't be stupid, Chloe.

You have given people some of the best holidays of their lives.

You're a fuck machine, you will shag anything.

That's it, I'm beginning to think I'm a slag.

Don't be daft, Chloe, come here, you soppy sausage.

Oh, dear, listen -

I've never known someone to fuck over 900 people with more dignity.

I dunno.

Honestly, there's something just dead classy about you.

You're a sweety, Chris, but I need time to think.

Are you going to be all right for the games night tonight, Chlo?

Chlo?

OK, everyone, unfortunately we are going to have to start

-without Chloe.

-Chris, wait.

-Hey, we were about to start without ya.

-Oh, you were right.

-Yes.

-Everything you said today made sense.

-Yes.

-I HAVE got class.

-Yes.

-I've got this. Three, two, one -

fuck a goat, yeah!

ALL: Fuck a goat! Fuck a goat! Fuck a goat!

Look, he's fucking it.

THEY CHANT

Yeah!

Well done tonight, Chloe, great to see you back.

In fact, the game went so well I think I'm going to lose me deposit.

Listen, babe, I've been thinking.

I reckon it will be unfair to make someone like you get married

-and spend the rest of their life with someone like me.

-Oh, shut up.

No, you're such a doer whereas I'm so lazy.

You put the bins out this morning.

Nah, I just said I did.

And you're well intelligent, I ain't clever at all.

You're clever in an unconventional way.

You see, I didn't even understand that.

Babe, you know I'm just a three out of ten.

You're, like, a five.

Babe, there's nothing you could ever say that'll put me off you.

All right, babe, I'll go down the registry office later

and sort it out, yeah?

Actually, babe, I can see you're having a few doubts

you need to work through.

Maybe we should keep things as they are for a while.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, but only if you're happy, yeah?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah!

Oh, babe, is it all right

if I go out tonight? I just feel like some nuggets.

Yes!

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Shit.

Has anyone got an iPod?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd