Episode 1 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

You be all right on your own tonight, yeah?

Yeah!

If there's any trouble, don't call the Old Bill - everything in the flat's stolen.

This programme contains some strong language.

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello!

Yeah. Yeah, you're nice!

Hello, my man. Look at that.

There's my man.

Yes, yes, yes. Spread some love.

Spread some love. Spread some love.

Yeah. What is that, my man? Look at that. Hello, hello.

Hello. Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, I'm Lee Nelson!

Yeah!

Joining me on my show tonight...

He's overweight, he's my best mate, it's Omelette?

CHEERING

My Nan is going to be doing some singing.

CHEERING

Yeah, hello, Nan.

And at the end of the night I'll be going home...with her.

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

Yeah!

People, people, people, I am in the mood of my life, let me tell you that for nothing.

I've been with my missus two years today.

CHEERING

Yes, I still remember seeing her for that first time at the club, just looking at her there, thinking,

"Fucking hell...

you'll do!"

This morning I wake her up with the biggest bunch of flowers because we've been together for two years.

I get her flowers all the time. Girls, you like the flowers?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Yeah, my missus loves them.

I get them for her all the time, man.

I'm well lucky in that, I live right next to an accident black spot.

The messages can freak her out, but fuck it.

I got well lucky this morning, message - "I never got the chance to say I love you."

Yes!

And it come with a free teddy. Result man, result.

Because it's hard. It is well hard being in a relationship.

Boys, back me up on this, you know at first you think the girl's perfect. They can't do no wrong.

Then after like, six, seven minutes...

you just want to get out the cubicle, innit?

It's difficult, relationships and that, innit?

Who is been with who?

Is you with him, my man? No, you got plans, though ain't you, geezer?

You've thought about it. Ain't you? Yes.

I have.

-Hey, sweetheart, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

-No.

Neither do I, but it broke the ice.

Omelette, do you know any good chat up lines.

Yeah, how do you like your eggs in the morning, fried or scrambled?

Omelette, you fat legend, that ain't a chat up line, that is just what your mum says to you, you legend.

Brilliant.

Who is together? You two look like...yeah!

Look at that. And you let him come out in that fucking check shirt?

-How long have you been with him, sweetheart?

-Ten years.

Ten years? That is a long time and where did you meet each other?

At college.

At college, look at that. You paedo!

So ten years, that is a long time.

How you keep things fresh?

-What do you do for her, my man? What do you do?

-Well, I can't comment.

You can't comment, cos it's fuck all, isn't it?

I tell you it is hard to keep a girl happy, don't you think?

Girls are well hard to please. Like, my missus came home the other day.

She's in a nice dress. You know what I'm talking about, boys?

A nice, tight dress.

She comes into my room. She's like, "Do I look well fat in this?"

And I says, "No, not at all, man.

"You look fat in everything."

To keep them happy all the time, you have to do things for her.

I cooked my missus the nicest meal the other day.

She says it is one of the best meals she has had in ages.

I'll let you into a secret, boys - I never cooked it, I bought it.

Yes, she had no idea, man, just sat in the back of the car

eating her nuggets.

And I kept the toy - win, win!

You got to make an effort, my man.

And you got to make an effort for him. It can't just be one way.

What my missus done, she got one of them Oriental tats done just above her bum there.

Makes shagging her from behind a little more fun, if you know what I mean.

It's a little Sudoku board.

What the fuck are you doing in here with a waistcoat?

Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

Never again.

Oh, man, what's going on with you? You are a single man, ain't you?

It's been a while, ain't it?

When was the last time you got your dipper wet, my man?

-I can't even remember.

-You can't even remember!

Fucking hell, you must have the biggest balls in the world.

-Shall we make this man's night?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let's make this man's night, people.

OK, this is your lucky day, because you are going to play

Taken From Behind!

CHEERING

Taken From Behind!

Right, my man, I'm going to give you the chance

to have five minutes in the disabled toilet with a superfit bird, my man.

I've seen her, she's proper, proper lush, I'd definitely do her.

I know your standards are incredibly low, you will do anything.

All you've got to do is pick her out at the bar.

By the way, you've had six pints, two whisky chasers and a cheeky line.

Omelette, give us the beer goggles.

My man, whack these on. Yeah!

Yes, you are proper, proper pissed.

Quality! Let's go to the bar. Yeah!

You stand here, my man.

OK, look at that - there's four of them waiting for you.

You've just got to pick one. It's tricky, isn't it?

Audience, what do you think? Shout them out.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS NUMBERS

What do you think? I tell you, do you want to phone a friend?

Yeah? You want to phone a friend?

He's seen it's your number and he's fucking ignored it!

He wears a waistcoat!

My man, but...

the mate ignored your number, because he was buying a round of tequila slammers at the bar.

Let's whack these down.

You are even more fucked.

My man, the bar is closing.

Who are you going to pick?

-Number three.

-He's gone with number three.

APPLAUSE

My man, you've just had your wallet nicked, you've sobered up.

Let's see what you could have won. No 1, please turn round.

You missed him!

My name is Nick and from behind I look like a bird.

From the front, it's up for grabs.

Yes. That takes me right back to Bangkok 2007.

OK. You still happy with number three?

You're shitting it, aren't you?

He wears a waistcoat! Number two, please turn around.

Oh! Well done to avoid that.

My name is Janet. I'm 78 and I'm just happy to be alive!

Thank you Janet. Good work, my man.

It's looking all right.

Mind you, if you had chosen her, at least you wouldn't have had to wear a johnny.

Between three and four.

Here is what you could have won. Number four, please turn round.

Oh no! Oh no!

Man, no.

I'm Cat. I'm the absolute stunner, you plonker and I would have been well up for it!

Oh, my God!

Goodbye.

She was a proper slag.

Here's what you've won.

Number three, please turn round!

AUDIENCE: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Off you go to the disabled toilet!

Oh, my gosh, that beard is going to chafe!

Well, he's clearly a mug with the birds, but here is one man who don't have no problems in that department.

It's my favourite Premier League footballer, give it up for Jason Bent!

APPLAUSE

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is 110% Bent.

Having just moved clubs for £30.65 million, and with the

world's media gathered, it's time for Jason to finally face the press.

The Times. Jason, what persuaded you to move from a club in the top four to one tipped for relegation?

One word...

..new challenge.

I know people have said I was disloyal, leaving my last club at half-time.

Jason Bent is committed to this football club now.

I want to finish my career here, and I'm not just saying that now.

I've said that at every club I've played for.

The Mirror. Jason, how did you find training at your new club for the first time today?

Yeah, no problem at all.

I've got a Sat Nav.

The Telegraph. Jason, do the new Chinese owners have much knowledge of the English game?

Yeah, I've met with the new Chinese owners.

It was fantastic to finally meet Chairman Mao.

They knew about the Premier League. He's told all the lads

he grew up watching English football, he loves English football.

He said, he'll do whatever it takes to make sure this club wins the Superbowl.

talkSPORT.

How do you think the move will affect your England career?

I wouldn't have come here without passing it by the England gaffer first.

I actually phoned him late last night to ask him what he thought.

To be fair, he was very open, very honest.

He just said to me, "Who the fuck gave you my home number?"

And we left it there.

'Next week, Jason's in the papers again...'

I'd no idea!

'..but this time, for all the wrong reasons.'

I swear she said she was 15!

'That's all on 110% bent.'

Jason Bent!

Who have we got in the house tonight, by the way?

Have we got Londoners? Make some noise!

CHEERING

Loads of Londoners. Have we got anyone from outside the UK?

CHEERING

Quality. Whereabouts are you from, my man?

-Chicago.

-Chicago, look at that geezer! An American in the house.

Let us know you're here. You can't hold it in, even when you try to.

-It's coming out.

-Woo! Give us a woo.

-Woo!

I love that! You've got to be a legend. You're hysterical about everything.

Woo!

"Our leader's black, woo!

"Our leader is black! Woo!"

Ours was Brown. We don't bang on about it.

Who else have we got in the house tonight? Two people up there.

My man, whereabouts are you from?

-Sydney.

-Sydney, look at that. I know Sydney.

Let's go and say hello to my Sydney man. Yes!

I love the different cultures and shit.

That, in England, in your hair, is considered a disgrace.

So many of you've even got nicknames for each other.

-You call us Poms, don't you?

-Yeah.

We call you racists.

I love the Aussies, man.

I love all the foreigners. Hello, sweetheart, you look very confused.

-You don't speak English? Whereabouts are you from, sweetheart?

-Romania.

Romania, look at that. No wonder you're shaken up.

You all right, sweetheart?

How long did it take you to come here from Romania?

Just a few hours.

A few hours, fucking hell.

Just clinging on to that lorry.

Welcome. Grab some food, you've done well hiding in here. Clever.

Whereabouts are you from, babe?

Heaven?

What the fuck are you looking at?!

Look at you, with these fucking guns here. Look at that!

Actually, he's just fat...

Let me see. That's proper, that.

-Give us a punch. Go on, stand up.

-Are you serious?

I'm serious, I'm serious. Come on, everyone! Do it! Do it!

AUDIENCE: Do it! Do it! Do it!

Just smack him right there.

Who else? Have we got other foreign people over here? Three at the front, look at that.

-Whereabouts you from?

-Germany.

-Germany! I'm so happy, man.

I thought you was a fucking miserable Londoner.

He's actually a very happy German.

Look at that, man, oh my gosh.

Sorry to take the piss, geez, but you started it.

Yes!

Who else have we got? Where you from, geez, at the back?

-Zimbabwe.

-Zimbabwe! Whereabouts is that?

-Africa.

-Africa?

-Yeah.

Look at him! You are not African.

-I am.

-If you are, you're ill.

Oh man. Welcome everyone, man. In London, I think we welcome all the foreigners, proper, you know.

There's only one day every year when we don't, one day a year we let

all the frustrations out on the foreigners in London.

You know what I'm talking about, Londoners, innit? They close down all the roads

in the centre of London, and thousands and thousands of people

chase after these five Kenyans.

And quite a few people in wheelchairs. It's horrible.

OK, listen. Everyone is welcome on my show, man.

That's 100% true.

Enough of me, yeah?

Who here likes old people?

CHEERING

Who here likes fun stuff?

CHEERING

Well, you're going to love this.

It's time for Old People Do Fun Stuff!

Old People Do Fun Stuff!

This week on Old People Do Fun Stuff, it's Anne.

-Hello, Anne.

-Hello.

What are you going to do for us on this week's Old People Do Fun Stuff?

-I'm going to gurn for you.

-She's going to do some gurning!

Quality!

Over to you.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Give it up for Anne!

Quality, quality, quality. Look at that, man.

It's funny cos she's old.

Well, with a face like that, there's only one man she should visit.

So go mental for Dr Bob!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, hello there, viewers!

Welcome to Hospital Live

with me, Dr Bob.

Coming up on today's show...

'Will Mrs Maloney finally wake from her coma?'

Mrs Maloney!

'And I'll be performing my first ever laser eye surgery.'

That's coming up on Hospital live.

Fantastic.

Hospitals are often sad places to be.

There are some patients who can really brighten up the day.

Mr Thomas here has what's known in layman's terms as "man boobs",

or to give it its proper medical name, "moobs".

Hello, Mr Thomas.

Can we see your tits?

Great!

Obviously, it's a very distressing condition for Mr Thomas

and this afternoon, he's having an operation to remove them.

So, for one last time, may I?

What a waste.

How do you tell your partner you've got chlamydia?

The good news is, it's symptomless, so you don't have to.

Keep it up, chaps!

Welcome to the most popular part of the show, breaking bad news.

I'm about to tell Mrs Dowdeswell her test results, and it's not good.

At times like these, I find using an analogy can help the patient cope.

Hello, Mrs Dowdeswell.

How are you getting on today, dear?

Well, doctor, I've been having a bit of a problem...

Good.

Well, we've got your test results back.

Thank you for bringing your car into the garage.

Shall we have a look at the engine?

Oh, bloody hell, it's riddled with tumours.

Well, just like Mrs Dowdeswell, we've run out of time.

I'll be back next week with a contagious diseases special.

I'll catch you then. Bye-bye!

Omelette, do you know what it's time for?

Pudding?

No, mate, couldn't be more wrong.

It's time for Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

OK, here's how it works.

All of us in here is going to make my best mate, Omelette,

do something that he well don't want to do at the end of the show, by pressuring him into it.

Funny.

Omelette, right, on this wheel are three things.

You have to do one of them. Do you fancy having your chest waxed?

No, not really.

Are you up for dancing in front of everyone in just your pants?

No, I don't fancy that.

How's about getting tied up and spanked by a bird with a whip?

No, thanks.

Well, you're going to have to, mate, because it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge.

Spin that wheel!

Wooh...

CHEERING

Omelette, are you going to get tied up and spanked by a bird with a whip?

No, I'm not.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

AUDIENCE: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

-Are you going to do it, now?

-Yeah, all right.

Hooray!

You go get ready, my man. Quality.

Now it's time for my favourite show on the telly at the moment.

It's dirty, it's messy, it's out of control. It's Faliraki Nights!

Every year, thousands of young holidaymakers go to Faliraki for fun, sun, sea, and a whole lot more.

Three-times rep of the year Chris Young give these partygoers the holiday of their lives.

What's the secret of my success? You're about to find out.

This is Faliraki Nights.

I see my job starting as soon

as I pick up the group from the airport.

I get them on their coach and I explain how the week is going to work

and a little bit about what to expect.

Hello, everyone, my name is Chris. Welcome to Faliraki!

Let's get fucked up!

Fucking brilliant!

When we arrive, we'll go straight to dinner.

I can see someone's eating theirs already.

Fucking suck it!

Let's get fucked!

I think it's so important as a rep to build up a good group spirit,

and to get to know your group and get them to know each other.

My name's Annie and I love sucking cock!

Who wants some fun?

I actually like to get the coach driver involved as well.

Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

Chris is amazing!

Best fucking rep ever!

People say to me, "Chris, why do you think you're such a good rep?"

Simple. It's the games I play.

10-shot challenge!

My favourite Chris game? It's got to be the doggie game!

Let's play doggie!

Come on lads! Come on, fuck her! Fuck her! Yeah!

-Oh, it's got to be the pint of chunder.

-Down that chunder!

Chunder! Chunder! Chunder!

Ice cream surprise is the best. It's fucking ace.

You've just eaten some of my shit!

My favourite has got to be fuck a virgin!

They're going to fuck him!

My favourite game, got to be the legend that is

Chris Young's race against time.

Get sucking!

Keep sucking! Yes!

Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!

BLOWS WHISTLE

Stop the cock, three minutes 28 seconds!

We have a winner!

That, people, is all we've got time for. Oh, no!

I've got to get back home to my little boy.

We're in a middle of a game of hide and seek.

There's just one more thing to come. Come on down, Nan.

Yes, it's my nan singing!

Sweetheart, time to come back to my place.

Do it! Do it!

AUDIENCE: Do it! Do it!

Nan, it's all yours. Who are you going to be tonight, Nan?

Lee, tonight I'm going to be MC Hammer.

Hooray!

Take it away, Nan.

# U can't touch this

# U can't touch this

# Can't touch this

# My, my music hits me so hard Makes me say, oh, Lord

# Thank you for blessing me

# With a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet

# It feels good when you know you're down

# A superdope homeboy from the Oaktown

# And I'm known as such

# And this is a beat you can't touch

# I told you, homeboy Can't touch this

# Yeah, that's how we livin' And you know U can't touch this

# Look in my eyes, man Can't touch this

# Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics... #