Episode 2 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

You'll be all right on your own tonight, yeah? Yeah!

Remember, 11pm. You get 10 minutes of free mucky stuff before it gets scrambled.

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

Quality!

Yes!

My man, my man. Yes!

Old geezer, young geezer, nice-looking bird, hello!

Yes! Spread the love, spread the love,

spread the love, spread the love. Hello, hello!

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, geezer.

Hello! Yes! Funny-haired geezer, sweetheart, bobble hat.

Yes! Old geezer. Look at that! Mwah!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

I'm Lee Nelson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Coming up on my show tonight,

he's fat, he's round, he bounces on the ground, it's my best mate, Omelette.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My nan is going to be watching the show. Yes!

It's my nan! Hello, Nan!

And I'll be taking the piss out of that man's goatee.

LAUGHTER

Hello, mate. It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

People, people, people. I am in the mood of my life.

Let me tell each and every one of you that.

My brother has just got back from Afghanistan. Yes!

He ain't a soldier or nothing. He had his stag out there.

Legend, innit?

He said it was like a warzone or something.

So I've had to look after my little sister the whole week.

She is a proper handful, let me tell you that. 13 years old.

I've got to look after her. She's always giving me this.

I'm just sitting there, minding my own business the other day, watching telly.

She canes it out the house. I'm like, "Where's you off to?"

She's like, "I'm off to a mate's party. Nothing you can do about it."

Giving it all that. I looked at her and said,

"You ain't going to a party looking like that. You know what I mean?

"Now you get back upstairs and you put some fucking make-up on."

She looked 11.

Who here has got a little sister? Little sister alert.

Anyone, anyone, anyone?

Have you, geezer over here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at you, my man.

You can't go all shy on me,

not after putting on them clothes this morning.

How old's your little sister, geeze?

16.

16-years-old. Look at that.

That's a big age, ain't it? 16.

When you go from 15 to 16, that is a big one, innit?

Do you know what I mean? Like, day before, I'd be a paedo...

Day after, legend.

Yes, you can't stop me. She's 16, innit?

Look at that. Good for you.

Quality! You don't like it when I talk about your sister like that.

It's all good. It's hard though, innit?

My little sister's been, like, well cut up because our granddad passed away a little bit ago,

which was well difficult for her especially, man.

We basically took him to Alton Towers

and it was all a little bit too much for the fella.

He died on that Nemesis ride.

Which is bad. But at least we got a photo of him just before he passed away.

Well, we would have, but 12 quid? Fuck that.

Have you got a granddad, sweetie pie?

-No, not any more.

-Not any more. Oh my gosh. Let me comfort you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With my tongue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on. It's what he would have wanted. He was filthy.

Yes. Look at that.

That's how you end up banging them, innit, geeze?

How old are you, geeze?

-Just 16.

-16, have you done it yet?

Oh, man. It's all a bit embarrassing for you. Is this your dad?

-Yeah.

-Don't look like that! He's fucked a load of people.

-You all right, my man, over here? Good to see you.

-And you.

-Look at you. You all right, geeze?

-Enjoying it.

Enjoying it. Fucking brilliant.

Yeah! Look at that, my man. You've got to let go, man.

Just ease it up now. That's it. Yes.

Good man. How old is you?

-78.

-That's so good, my man.

Come here, geeze. Good for you, man. Look at that.

Give me your wallet.

They're so easy.

Good for you, geeze. Good for you. Quality.

I miss my granddad, man. I properly miss my granddad, innit?

Do you miss your granddad, sweetheart? Yeah. Oh, my gosh, let's have a hug about that.

Maybe a little feel and that.

That's nice, innit? Yeah, sweets, innit? Yes, look at that.

Are you watching and learning, geeze?

You've got to take an interest in them and all that sort of stuff.

That's what girls love. They love it when they talk to you and all that.

Are you all right, sweets?

-Yeah.

-What's your name, delicious?

-Cat.

-Cat. That's the most beautiful name I ever heard in my life.

Now, that's a pack of fucking lies. But she don't need to know that.

You keep them interested, innit?

Sweets, tell me a little bit about yourself.

What did you get up to today?

I went to work.

Oh, that's so fucking interesting. You see? Couldn't care less.

What are you into, sweets? What gets you in the mood? Hmm?

Hmm? Do you like hoovering?

You make use of them. Write that down.

Give me a shout when you done it.

It's all good, though. All I want to say is just respect to everyone, man,

because sometimes the older generation can think we're violent or something

and that ain't true, you know.

And anyway, yous loved fighting back in the day, didn't you, my man?

-Yeah.

-They did. They had a war with the whole world, innit?

Yeah, they kill thousands and thousands of Germans.

And you have a pop at us for being violent. You know what I mean?

I've killed one German.

And he was giving it all that, do you know why mean?

I don't know where the fucking town centre is.

No idea.

No idea.

Now, listen, old people is meant to be well wise, so are you up for putting that to the test?

-Yes! And getting the chance to win some quality prizes. Yes!

-OK.

I promised I'd have a go at you for that goatee and the time has now come.

Yes, let's give it up for my man let's play How Many People Have They Banged? Yes!

How Many People Have They Banged?

OK, here we go. This is how we do things.

Person number one, come out from under the covers.

Look at that.

Use your wisdom, OK, to work out whether the pregnant bird in bed one

has banged more or less people than my best mate Omelette.

I'll give you a clue, take a look at them. OK?

All you've got to do is say higher if you think she's banged more people

or lower if you think it is less.

This is to play for a tartan wheeler.

Audience, help him out.

-AUDIENCE: Higher!

-I think you've got your answer.

-What are you going to go for?

-Higher.

-He's going for higher.

OK, bird in bed number one, how many people has you banged?

Hi, I'm Lucy and I've banged four people.

Look at that! Four people. Sounds like one hell of a night.

She's pregnant, everyone.

-Can I have a feel, yeah?

-Go for it.

-Of your tits.

They grow bigger, innit? It's quality.

-Is he still working?

-Yes.

OK, here we go. Right, this is to play for a pen to keep by the phone.

Person number two, come out from under the covers.

Look at that.

Albert, do you think he has banged a higher number of people than Lucy?

Audience, help him out.

-AUDIENCE: Higher!

-Everyone's going higher.

-Over to you, Albert.

-I'll say lower.

-He's going to go lower!

Look at that.

I think people hate you.

OK, now, here we go. Let's find out.

My man, how many people has you banged?

Hi, I'm Vic and I've banged two people.

Look at that!

-Well done, geeze. Look at that, two people. How old is you?

-69.

My man. That's like banging one person every 35 years.

-That's not great, is it?

-Quality, not quantity.

APPLAUSE

Hang on.

Has anyone seen either of them?

OK, geeze, well done. This is to play for an home sweet home cushion.

Person number three, come out from under the covers.

Look at that.

You like her, don't you?

Look at that. You're poking into me now.

OK. Hello, sweets.

Do you think our fit bird here has banged a higher or lower number of people than the loyal Vic?

Let's ask a few people. Higher or lower?

What are you going to go for, Albert? Higher. He's gone for higher. Sweetheart,

how many people have you banged?

My name's Gaj and I've banged no-one.

Oh, my gosh! Is that for real?

-How old are you, babe?

-23.

-23!

That's like nine good years wasted. Oh, my gosh!

How come you haven't banged no-one, sweetheart?

You more of a blowjob girl?

I don't believe in sex before marriage.

You don't believe in sex before marriage?

That is mental, innit? Most birds don't believe in sex AFTER marriage.

I bet you know all about that, Albert, innit?

Resigned look. A few visits to the shed. OK,

I'm afraid you've lost your home sweet home cushion.

OK, Albert. Here we go. We are going to try and get you the chance to win

a porcelain thimble to put on the mantelpiece.

OK, person number four, come out from under the covers.

Look at that, my man.

Is you a dwarf or has you just given birth?

OK. My man. What are you going to go for? He's going to go for higher.

I think it's in the bag. How many people have you banged?

My name's Amin and I've banged 13 people.

Whoa!

Look at that. Quality.

Yes, yes. Small five.

Big round of applause for Amin.

OK, Albert, you have won the tartan wheeler,

the pen to keep by the phone, the porcelain thimble.

Do you want to walk away now...

..slowly, or gamble it all with bed number five

for a chance to keep all your prizes and win tonight's star prize?

A non-slip bathmat!

-Look at that. What are you going to do?

-Gamble.

Yes! OK. Come through here. Tight little space there. Look at that.

Well done. OK.

Here we go. Person number five, come out from under the covers.

OK. For the last time, you've got to use your old person's wisdom.

Do you think she has banged a higher or lower number of people

than Amin's well respectable 13?

What are you going to go for? Audience, help him out!

AUDIENCE: Lower!

Lousy prizes. Higher.

Ooh, he's gone higher. OK, sweets. How many people has you banged?

My name is Lolly and I've banged 110 people.

You've won the prize! Yes. Yes!

Good man, innit. That is mental. 110.

Have you ever heard of such a thing? Is you making this up, sweets?

I'm not making it up because my name's Lolly Badcock and I'm a porn actress.

Oh, my days!

It's Lolly Badcock, oh my gosh, this is mental.

Me and my little boy are massive fans.

Look at that. It's so nice to meet you.

Me and my little boy have got all your DVDs, man. Stuck together!

OK, my man. Let's give it up for Albert.

Brilliant, yes.

Yeah, 111?

I'll be well quick. OK.

Here's one man who could give even Lolly Badcock's stats a run for their money.

It's my favourite Premier League footballer,

go mental for Jason Bent.

Yeah, yeah.

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is 110% Bent.

With Jason out of action due to injury,

he is in serious demand for media work

and agrees to take a seat on the Match Of The Day 2 sofa.

Hello, good evening and welcome to Match Of The Day 2.

We've highlight of both of today's games and all yesterday's goals.

Here with the last word on the weekend's football in the Barclays Premier League are Lee Dixon

and we are both delighted to have with us tonight one of the Premier League's top strikers,

currently out of action of course, Jason Bent.

Jason, lovely to have you along. You've had serious knee problems for three seasons now.

Is this a recurrence of the same thing?

-No, not at all.

-The knees have been completely sorted now.

We got in the knee specialist from America.

I had three operations and after that he worked out I'd basically been like, you know, basically like,

putting my boots on the wrong feet.

The rehab is going all right then?

I didn't know you knew about that.

But yeah, I've been almost clean for 48 hours now.

What about watching games instead of playing in them?

I speak to a lot of professionals who are injured and just can't bear it, find it terribly frustrating.

I'm not a very good spectator at all to be honest.

Cos of me injuries I've had to watch four matches from the stands this season.

I've been kicked out of three of them for racist chanting.

Just don't rate our new Cameroonian.

Right. I mean, your team is obviously struggling.

Do you find it hard not to contribute in those circumstances? They could do with you out there.

Most players do find it incredibly frustrating not being able to help out the team,

but I'm very fortunate that I couldn't give a fuck about this football club.

What about the rest of the season? How's it going to pan out for the club?

Yeah, we've got a great bunch of lads.

And the spirit in the camp is fantastic.

I don't see any reason why we can't win the league.

Obviously it's not mathematically possible.

Lee, mathematically possible or not, what do you say to their chances?

With all due respect to Jason, I think the squad's got potential.

But they've had an awful lot of injuries

and I think their main priority this season is to avoid relegation, to be honest with you.

Fuck off, Lee Dixon!

What do yous know about football?

-Today's lunchtime kick-off, Blackburn versus Everton.

-Tosser.

-Twat.

-Knob head.

-You're a knob head.

Next week, the club organises a team bonding weekend for Jason and the squad.

-That's for sleeping with my missus, you

-BLEEP!

That's all on 110% Bent.

Oi, people, you are going to love this.

I got caught speeding at the weekend!

Yes. 120 miles per hour, in a car park.

Come on, man. B&Q to World of Leather in under three seconds.

How stupid is the coppers? I swear to you, he pulls me over, right, he says, "Why is you going so fast?"

Do you know what I mean?

I says, "Cos I nicked this car and yous been chasing me."

"Your driving's all over the place." I says, "Mate, I'm pissed out of my skull.

"You're lucky I'm sitting in the front."

I got arrested, that is a rush and a half man.

It was proper. I got my one phone call.

I call the premium-rate sex line.

My missus was furious, man.

She hates me calling her at work.

Look at that! I've got arrested like nuff times, innit, Omelette?

What I hate about the coppers, every time I get arrested

they treat us different, and it's so fucking annoying man.

A few months ago, I got arrested. I beat up this white geezer.

They done me for ABH.

A few days ago, got arrested, beaten up this black geezer, they done me for impersonating a police officer.

My beef with the coppers, right, they ain't even good at their job.

I phoned 999 the other day, that is the emergency number, right?

All they got to do is pick up. I was waiting 15 minutes.

I can't believe that man, when I finally got through I was mental.

I said to the bird, "You are fucking lucky this is an hoax."

People, enough from me. Now it's time for Say It In An Accent.

Say It In An Accent.

Yes. This week it's Peter Burrows from Scottyland.

And, the machine Omelette chose was Derek.

Omelette, let release them Midweek Accent Balls.

Good luck to everyone at home.

Omelette, it's not the lottery. No-one is playing at home.

It's just Peter reading out a few words.

Just press the button, I'll buy you an ice-cream.

First up...

Roundabout,

making its first appearance on the show.

Prolapse,

making its first appearance on the show.

Our third accent ball...

Professor Plum,

making its first appearance on the show.

Fourth ball...

the Kraken.

And tonight's bonus accent ball...

Good food.

So, this week's winning line-up is, in alphabetical order...

Roundabout...

Fuck it.

Peter, it's time to say it in an accent. Good luck.

Good luck to everyone at home.

Roundabout.

APPLAUSE

Professor Plum.

APPLAUSE

Prolapse.

Brilliant.

The Kraken.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And your bonus accent ball...

Good food.

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Yes! Quality. What a buzz!

I need some calm down time,

so I'll hand you over to Hospital Life with Dr Bob.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Well, hello there, viewers,

and welcome to Hospital Life with me, Dr Bob.

Coming up on today's show.

I'll be putting the fun back into fungal infections.

And we'll be dropping in to my General Medical Council

Serious Misconduct hearing.

Guilty!

That's all coming up on Hospital Life.

Congratulations, dear.

It's a baby.

In a busy hospital such as Royal Oak,

it's not just the patients that need looking after,

it's the staff as well.

Oh, dear.

Sanjeev has been working 84 hours straight,

and he's so exhausted he just made a basic surgical error.

Sanjeev was meant to remove a lady's LEFT kidney, but he was so tired,

instead of removing her LEFT kidney,

he put his penis in her ear.

Silly, silly Sanjeev!

Contraception is so important for youngsters,

so if you're embarrassed about buying condoms, why not withdraw and ejaculate all over her back?

Absolutely no idea where you're meant to be.

Welcome to the best part of the show, breaking bad news.

Bad news is never easy to hear,

but helping people to look at some of the positives can be a real comfort to them.

Hello, there.

Dr Bob, I'm looking after your husband. Yes. Tell me,

Mrs Henderson, does your husband have any bad habits at all?

You know, does he leave the loo seat up, mess in the kitchen, clothes on the floor and the like?

He can be messy sometimes I suppose.

Ah! Well, you will be delighted to know,

no more mess - he's dead!

Good.

Well, just like her husband, we've come to the end.

I'll be back next week with an OCD special.

I'll see you exactly the same time, exactly the same place. Goodbye.

Yes! That, people, is all we've got time for, oh no.

Yeah, I've got to go and pick up my little boy from school, he broke up last week.

There's just one more thing to come.

It's my nan singing! Come on down, Nan.

Quality.

Thank you for coming, thank you for watching.

Sweetheart, I will see you by the bins.

Yes!

OK, hello, Nan. You all right? Who are you going to be tonight, Nan?

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Shaggy.

-Wahey!

Quality! Take it away, Nan.

# Mr Bombastic

# She called me Mr Bombastic Tell me fantastic

# Touch me on me back She say I'm Mr Ro...mantic

# Tell me fantastic

# Touch me on me back she say I'm Mr Ro...

# Smooth, just like silk

# Soft and cuddly Hug me like a quilt

# I'm a lyrical lover No take me for no filth

# With my sexual physique

# Jah know me well built

# Oh me, oh my Well you just can't tell

# I'm just like a turtle crawling out my shell

# Girl, you captivate my body. #