Episode 3 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

You'll be all right on your own tonight, yeah? Yeah.

And remember, when your nan comes round, it's £20 for an eighth.

Make sure you get the money up front this time, yeah?

This programme contains some strong language

# Bring it back

# Get back, get back...

# One step, two step two step, one step. #

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

Quality-y-y-y!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yea-a-ah! All right, all right, all right, all right - look at his hat!

Yes, ain't that the loveliest? Yes. You're nice.

Yes. My man! Hello, get rid of that cardigan.

Another cardigan. All right, geezer, I'm loving it!

Spread the love, spread the love, spread the love. Ye-e-ah!

Look at your jacket. Yes. Scary, scary, scary, loving it.

Sweetheart, you're nice. Yes. Hello, hello, hello!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, I'm Lee Nelson!

CHEERING

Coming up on my show tonight, he ain't never been on a date

but he's my best mate - it's Omelette!

CHEERING

Yes. My nan's going to be doing some rapping. Yes. Hi, Nan.

And we'll all be laughing at that man's ponytail. Yes.

LAUGHTER

This is Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality-y-y! Yes.

People, let me tell you this for nothing - I am in the mood of my life, I've got myself a job!

CHEERING

Yes. I never wanted it, but I got it, because I go down

job centre every month, right, and I talk my way out of the job,

right, it's proper clever.

This month I go down there, I'm talking to the bird,

I'm telling her I don't want a job, I ain't interested in work,

I'd be shit at work, I hate work, I won't turn up,

I'm lazy, I will nick shit.

She's typing it all in her computer.

She looks at the screen and says you just got yourself a job as a postman.

LAUGHTER

Cos I don't get like all the good, proper jobs and that, cos

I've got that dyslexia thing, which is a proper thing, man.

I have to use that Google thing.

You know that Google thing? Whatever you type into Google, however you

spell it, you press enter, and Google says, "Do you mean...?" and

and spells it for you, innit? Yes, I do mean Google, you legend.

Brilliant, innit? Don't rely on that shit though.

Other day, I'm typing my stuff into Google, press enter, Google says,

"Do you mean Lebanese fighting?"

No, Google,

I mean "lesbian fisting".

LAUGHTER

Dyslexia, it's a thing though, it's quite a common thing.

I bet you other people have got dyslexia. Anyone got dyslexia here?

-Yeah.

-Have you, geez? Have you? Have you?

-Yeah.

-Cos I was joking. You've got dyslexia!

You fucking idiot.

No, good work, my man, good work.

It's all right innit, eh? It ain't hold you back and that.

I see you've got well enough money to buy some shit hair products.

Look at that, look at that, I've got to have a feel of this, my man.

Fucking brilliant. Check that. Look at that.

Look at...Fucking that. Whereabouts are you from, geez?

1982? Let me just go get you a soda stream.

No, brilliant - everyone's welcome. Everyone's welcome.

Have you got a job, geez? What do you get up to?

-I'm a psychotherapist.

-You're a psychotherapist!

Fucking legend, look at that! Love that, my man.

OK, what am I thinking?

I'll give you a clue, it involves them three birds there.

Yes, innit, geez? You're quality, man.

-Whereabouts are you from, geez?

-St Louis, Missouri, United States.

Good for you, geez. People take the piss out of the Americans, innit?

I like the Americans - my uncle's American, so, yeah.

Well, he's English, but he is fucking fat.

LAUGHTER

The thing is, I was never that good and clever at school, do you know what I mean?

I worked and that, but I hated school, man. They were the worst three days of my life.

That's the thing - I might not be proper, proper clever,

but I know how to handle myself with the birds, innit? Yeah.

-Oi, what's your name, sweetheart? Is it Laura L?

-No.

Because you're worth it. Yeah?

Fucking do it, innit, boys? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oi, sweetheart, what's your name? Is it Jacob?

Cos you're a cracker.

Yeah, that's worth a hand job, innit?

Sweetheart, what's your name? Is it Gilette?

Cos you're the best a man can get.

And you've got a little bit here.

Anyone do anything like naughty and that at school?

Anyone do anything naughty? Geezer over here.

You've never done anything naughty in your life, have you, geez?

What's that, geez? I feel a little bit bad for actually talking to you, geezer.

Are you getting this, man?

Look at that. Would you feel a lot more comfortable if I pretended we

were having a conversation online? Send.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Look at that.

You ever done anything naughty at school, geez?

(HEAVY ACCENT) I've burnt a barn.

LAUGHTER

Did he just call me a dick?

-What did you say, what's that?

-I burnt a barn.

Fuck me.

-Where are you from?

-Poland.

Poland. You fucking legend. Welcome, geez. We love the Polish, innit?

Yeah! Polish, innit?

Brilliant, geez. Millions of you over here...

-Yeah.

-I don't know what happened over there, if the fire alarm went off or...

"Run for it, everybody run!"

Bring your tools just in case.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Love it. What did you get up to in Poland, what happened?

(HEAVY ACCENT) I've burnt a barn.

Oh, does anyone speak Europe?

LAUGHTER

Anyone?

Never mind, we'll get the psychotherapist involved.

Come up here, come up here, have a little hear of what he said.

Look at that.

OK, talk to him, he has the eyes and the earrings.

I've burnt a barn.

-You bent a bond?

-Barn. B-A-R-N.

He's bent a barn.

You bent a barn. He's bent a barn.

LAUGHTER

-He's bent a barn.

-Burnt. Burnt.

-Burnt. He's burnt a barn!

He's burnt a barn.

-He's burnt a barn.

-And we've been wasting fucking time talking.

We need to call the fire brigade!

Look at that, he burnt a barn. Well done, geez. Look at that.

Legend!

I got expelled. I got expelled from so many places, man.

I did, I used to start so many fights at my school, and I

had that attention deficit thing so I never even finished a lot of them.

I ain't like sort of you, geezer, clever man with the glasses and the wrong clothes and...

It's OK, man, we're just different sorts of people, innit? Clever and

non-clever. Nothing wrong with that.

You know, you're not getting fucked off your box every night of the week, you're a half-pint

man, innit? And that's probably only cos he likes fractions.

My man, you clever as well?

Yes, don't deny it, you look very, very uncomfortable in yourself.

Who is cleverer do you reckon, my man? Who is...

Shall we have a brains off and find out?

Yes!

Brains off, brains off, brains off, brains off,

brains off!

Brains off!

All right, here's how it works.

There's two well tough rounds of sheer mental endurance.

Whoever wins out will be crowned Prince Legend Brains. Yes.

And win this prize.

-Good luck. OK, my man, what's your name?

-Josh.

-Josh.

-My man, what's your name?

-Ben.

-OK.

Round two.

LAUGHTER

Get out your pen and paper, it is a maths test.

You can try this at home if you ain't got a fucking life.

Calculate this, here we go, boys.

You've got £15 in your pocket, it's a Monday night and you fancy

you'll go home for a quiet drink with a bird...who you met online.

LAUGHTER

You go to a bar, it's 50p to get in.

You need a piss, so you go to the toilets, where you give the toilet attendant £1.20

for a chewing gum and 30p for a spray of Davidoff.

He thanks you and as he turns around to serve another customer,

you manage to thief 50p and a lolly off his tray.

You go to the bar and buy yourself one pint of Kroney for £3.20 -

it's a nice bar.

The barmaid is blessed with a winning smile and a quality pair of tits.

You give her a tip of 10p.

You neck your pint and are getting some nice looks from the barmaid.

You gamble, head to the gents and buy a three pack of johnnies,

fruit flavour - you had no other option - for £4.

You're still waiting for your online friend to turn up,

so to pass the time, you fork out £2 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire machine.

Result - because you wear glasses and are proper clever you win the jackpot.

£9.50 rolls out of the machine in 10p's.

Your internet date finally turns up, she's an absolute munter.

You say you're feeling sick and you head straight home.

An illegal taxi driver offers you a lift home.

He wants to charge you a tenner, you get him down to £4.

Nevertheless, you are tempted to do a runner

until he tells you about his pregnant wife

and three children who are stuck in a refugee camp in Eritrea.

You hear his story and decide to give him what he asked for in the first place,

though he doesn't seem that pleased when you give £9.50 of it in 10p's.

You get home, you think of the barmaid, head upstairs,

get out the johnnies, and have a posh wank.

How much have you got left?

Wo-o-o-o-ow.

My man, what you got?

-£3.70.

-£3.70. Let's see your workings.

Good man. My man, number two, what have you got?

I've got 20p.

Hold up your workings, my man.

He actually did two pages!

Omelette, what have you got?

What a legend.

OK, the answer is...

DRUMROLL

It's £3.70!

APPLAUSE

Yes, you legend!

You are this week's Crown Prince Legend Brains!

Here's your prize. Whack them on and no, keep them on as well.

Double glasses. Let's go mental.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes. Now, here's one geezer who ain't that bright,

but he don't have to be cos he's well good at football.

Show your love for Jason Bent!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

-Hey, Jason.

-Hey, Jason.

To your left, over here, mate.

This is 110% Bent.

It's been a traumatic three weeks for Jason,

but his court case is finally over,

and it's good news for all concerned.

Jason, Jason. To your left!

It's been proven in court today that I'm innocent of all ABH assault charges.

I've said throughout I'm innocent and it's a massive relief that

I've finally been found innocent.

It was always me big fear that the truth would come out in court.

I want to thank me family, me friends, and me team-mates who all stuck by the story I gave them.

I ask the media to respect me privacy

and I intend to make no further comment now or in the future,

but you can read my side of the story exclusively

in my forthcoming book, Getting Away With It.

Thank you very much.

What did happen that night, Jason?

As I said in court, I went out with a few of the lads, we had a big game

the next day so we went clubbing,

we was enjoying a quiet drink, about eight pints,

when unfortunately I had no choice but to strike the man in self-defence

when, out of nowhere and totally unprovoked, he started walking

away from me, shouting, "I don't want no trouble, please, please, I don't want no trouble."

Unfortunately, his mates got involved

and started giving it the old, "For God's sake, stop it, he's 67."

Do you feel you had the full support of the club?

Yeah, the club's been magnificent.

In fact, I want to thank everyone at Ministry of Sound.

Do you think your case ended up in court because you are a celebrity?

Yeah, 100%, yeah. I was arrested because I'm a footballer,

we know it's all a joke to be honest, Hugh.

I mean, the bloke who took me to court wasn't even the one I proper battered.

Jason, are you embarrassed about the YouTube clip that's emerged of you with a girl in a hotel room?

Yeah, it's been extremely embarrassing, not just for me, but for me family to see that.

I can assure you, as I've assured them, I normally last a lot longer.

And what about the allegations that have followed? Did she agree to have sex with you?

Yes, she did. I can't remember if she asked all six of us, but...

So it was consensual sex then?

Absolutely not. Nothing dirty like that.

It was a straightforward spit roast.

-Jason!

-Jason!

-Jason.

-Jason...

Next week, having just signed an improved contract,

Jason's gambling addiction is spiralling out of control.

I'll have 750 grand on Tonga to win the World Cup please.

That's all on 110% Bent.

APPLAUSE

You know, I'm feeling like I've got a proper bounce in my step and that, man,

because I've just got back from Amsterdam.

Ya-ay!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

HE INHALES

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I spent some quality time with my little boy.

I loved it out there, I did, I did, I did.

I brought back a little souvenir for my missus.

Yeah, Chlamydia.

Oi, people, you'll love this, I joined the Mile High Club on my way back.

-CROWD CHEERS

-Yeah.

Well, I had a wank in Terminal 2.

We went to the Anne Frank Museum.

Man, that made me realise just how stupid the Germans is.

Me and the boys were stoned off our fucking heads, weren't we, Omelette?

-Yeah, we were, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, we was proper stoned.

We managed to find Anne Frank's house in about 20 minutes.

There's signs for it all over the place.

I think people are against drugs and that, but in Amsterdam

they are proper relaxed about it innit, and I like that, you know?

I don't think drugs are that bad. You know, without drugs I never would have got my job selling drugs.

I flew with my six-year-old lad and it's a nightmare, man,

cos on Ryanair yeah, he wanted to choose his seat, but you can't, innit,

everyone just piles on the plane and from the moment we get on he's like,

"I want to sit on the window seat," "It's already taken."

"I want to sit on the window seat." "It's already taken."

He says, "Window seat, window seat." "It's already taken."

"Window seat." "It's taken." I snapped.

I shouldn't have, we was on a plane, and I just went, "Oh, for fuck's sake man,

"how many times do I have to remind you, I bagsied the window seat?"

Grow up.

APPLAUSE

Quality. Right, who here likes old people?

-CROWD:

-Yeah.

-Who likes fun stuff?

-Yes!

-Yes.

Well, you're going to love this, it's time for Old People Do Fun Stuff.

CHEERING

Old People Do Fun Stuff.

This week on Old People Do Fun Stuff it's Antonio.

Hello, Antonio, what are you going to do for us on this week's Old People Do Fun Stuff?

Well, Lee, I'm going to pop my eyeballs out of my head.

-CROWD:

-Oooh!

Fucking brilliant. Over to you.

CROWD SCREAMS

Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Legend.

He's funny because he's old.

Now with eyes like that there's only one man he should visit, so go mental for Dr Bob.

CHEERING

Hello there, viewers, and welcome to Hospital Life with me, Dr Bob.

Coming up on today's show:

After four years of intensive rehab

we'll be seeing if Mr Peters can finally walk again.

Go, son. Go on, son.

And I finally manage to find my glasses.

Ah. Shit.

That's all coming up on Hospital Life.

Naughty Henry.

Just about any problem can come through the doors of accident and emergency,

and the first challenge is to establish what the problem is.

Hello, Mr Stevens.

Just reading through your notes here and understand you fell over at work today

and have got a bit of shoulder pain.

Hmm. Well, I'll be honest with you, I'm not too sure what the problem is

at this stage.

Good.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but what about a plum?

Nothing.

Welcome to your favourite and my favourite part of the show,

breaking bad news.

Well, I always find it so helpful for the patient if I try not to make too much of a fuss of the bad news

and instead make it part of their every day.

Hello, Mrs Miller,

how are you doing today, dear?

-Well, Doctor, I've been having a bit of pain here...

-Good.

Well, it's been a nice, mild day today hasn't it?

Yes, it's been a nice few days really.

It's always nice to have a bit of nice weather, don't you think? Yes.

You've got hepatitis C.

Well done.

Well, unlike Mrs Miller, I'll be back next week

with an Alzheimer's special, so don't forget to tune in then. Goodbye!

Yes. Yes. Hello, Omelette.

Do you know what it's time for?

-My weekly bath?

-No, babe, it's time for Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge.

Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge.

Omelette, on this wheel there are three things, and at the end of the show you have to do one of them.

Now, do you fancy being covered in cream and having a dog lick it off?

-CROWD:

-Woo.

No, not really.

How do you fancy having your eyebrows shaved off?

-CROWD:

-Woo!

No, thanks.

Would you like to eat a toenail sandwich?

-CROWD:

-Woo!

No, I don't want to do that.

Well, you're going to have to do one of them because it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge. Spin the wheel.

Wo-o-o-oah!

Yes!

Omelette, are you going to have a dog lick cream off your body?

No, I'm not.

-CROWD:

-Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it...

Omelette, are you going to do it now?

-Yeah, all right.

-Yes! We peer pressured him into it.

Off you go and get ready, my man. Yes.

CHEERING

Now if you was into political shit

then you'll probably have found of this next show is Buzz Box and it's Hugo Victor Grant.

What's up, my homies? I'm Hugo Victor Grant and this is Buzz Box. Awesome!

The show that brings global issues to the younger generation.

This week we're talking Africa.

Africa's my favourite country in the world, I've been there on three gap years

and my family have got a holiday home in Rhodesia.

When it comes to Africa, I've been there, done that, got the ivory.

I love Africa, in fact, I love all black people.

A lot of my best friends have black friends.

The truth is, Africa is a stunning country, especially if you ignore the shitty bits.

With us to discuss the issues, is Buzz Box Africa expert, Brian Longy.

Brian, hakuna matata.

Great to have you on the show. Just how bad is Africa at the mo, bro?

Yes, there are problems like on any continent but mostly Africa,

both economically and politically, is feeling very positive right now.

Wow, um sobering stuff from the African guy. Let's open this up to the studio dudes.

Guys, what could we do to help Africa?

OK, make way, make way, make way.

Buzz Box. Go for it.

I think fair trade is, like, totally, like, literally, like, do you know what I mean?

Yah, yah, yah, awesome.

That is a great point. OK, if you don't know what fair trade is, it's basically

a stick up, it really helps guys like Brian and his starving family, so you should always, always buy fair trade.

Obviously not if you can provide something similar for cheaper, don't be stupid.

PHONE RINGS We have got Ollie from Bristol Uni on the line.

Ollie, we're live on Buzz Box, what's your point?

Hey, Africans are actually literally amazing people and stuff.

They, like, invented writing and mathematics.

Yeah, totalis. And they invented the safari park,

um, red nose day, carrying things on your head.

APPLAUSE

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Bro, thanks for coming on, you've been incredibly brave.

Peace, jihad!

Free Cuba!

APPLAUSE

That, people, is all we've got time for.

-CROWD:

-Aww.

Yeah, I'm babysitting for my 13-year-old sister and her baby's a right handful.

There's just one more thing to come, it's my nan rapping.

APPLAUSE

Come on down, Nan.

Yes.

Thank you for coming, thank you for watching.

Sweetheart, I'll see you in the toilets.

Yes. Nan, who are you going to be tonight?

Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be House of Pain.

Quality. Take it away, Nan.

Yes. Come on everyone.

# Time to get down Time to get down

Get down Stand around, jump around

Yes

# Jump around. Jump around

Yes.

# Jump up Jump up and get down

# Jump, jump Jump, jump

Everyone give it some!

# Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump Jump, jump, pack it up, pack it in

# Let me begin, I came to win

# That's me, that's the scene I won't tear myself up

# And you better back up

# Try and play the role And the whole crew will act up

# Get up, stand up, come on Throw your hands up...#

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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