Episode 4 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

You'll be all right on your own tonight, yeah? Yeah!

Remember, if there's a problem, you go to the neighbours.

Not that one, he's a nonce. The other side, he's all right.

This programme contains strong language.

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality-y-y!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes! Hello, my man, my man, my man.

Spread the love, spread the love, spread the love, spread the love,

spread the love, spread the love, yeah! Nice, innit? Ye-e-es!

Hello, hello, hello, people!

My man! Look at that. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Spread the love, spread the love. Look at that hair, that is well good.

Hello! Yes, my man, my man, my man. Geezer, geezer, look at that! Yes!

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. I'm Lee Nelso-o-o-on!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Coming up on my show tonight, he lives on my estate, he's the size of Kuwait,

it's my best mate Omelette!

Yes! My nan is going to be singing a massive tune!

Yes! Hello, Nan! And we'll all be having a laugh at that man's lady perm. Yes!

LAUGHTER

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show...

Quality-y-y-y! Yes! Too right, man, too right.

People, I am in the mood of my life.

Let me tell you that for nothing.

My missus is preggers for the second time!

Yes!

We's just working out where to have the birth an' that, cos last time we had an 'ome delivery which is good.

You get a free garlic bread.

Yeah!

I remember it so clear, man.

The midwife come round to the house and they got Amber on the floor and

stripped her off, gave her a load of drugs, told her it wouldn't hurt.

I pissed myself because that is EXACTLY how I got her preggers.

And my sister had a well-bad experience having a baby at our local hospital an' that.

14 pounds.

Yes! Fucking NHS car park.

But ain't creating a baby, like, the most amazing thing in the whole world?

I just can't get me head around it, you know?

How did my one little sperm manage to find its way all the way over to Amber's egg?

I mean, I come on her tits, for fuck's sake!

Mind you, man, I have got seriously powerful sperm, girls.

Yes!

With our first, right, me and Amber had only been going out four weeks.

Doc said she was already four MONTHS preggers.

Yes, it is seriously, seriously powerful sperm, yeah.

And mixed race apparently.

Yeah! Anyone preggers in the house tonight?

-Yes.

-Yeah, a preggers girl over there.

That's so sweet, baby, look at that.

Hello! Hello, girl. And who's he? Is he the dad?

-Yeah.

-Look at that. Congrats, geez. Is that your first, geez?

-Yeah.

And when did you get pregnant?

If you can't see him, he's fucking fat.

It's so nice, man. You look happy together, I promise you that, yeah.

Well, you look happy. She looks like she thinks she can do a little bit better.

That's so... No, man, I'm just taking the piss, man. He's going to fucking knock me out in a second.

Have we got any mums in the house?

-Any mums?

-Yeah!

-Yeah, loads of mums,

look at that. And you is a mum, sweetheart, over here?

That's nice. How many has you got?

-Two.

-Two? That's so nice. What are their names, sweets?

-Candice and Bethany.

-Candice and Bethany! Look at that!

-They're nice names.

-Yeah...

I don't know what we're going to call our new one,

but my first, my six year old lad's called Stairwell an' that.

Don't laugh at Stairwell, man!

We done a Posh and Becks and named him after where we done it.

So how old was you, sweets, when you become a mum?

-17.

-17, OK.

Oh.

I was younger. I was too young when I had my little boy, you know.

It was well awkward going to the same school.

Stairwell is so sweet with the bump, man, because he's started to ask

where the babies come from and it's so nice. Has anyone here had that?

Where do babies come from? You have, sweetheart, at the back. That's so nice, innit?

And what did you say? Did you know?

We was in the bath together and he saw my appendix scar...

In the bath together? I'm getting the fuck out of this!

Basically, he started saying to me, "Where does... where does that...

"where does Mummy's bump come from?

"Where does Mummy's bump come from?"

And I had to explain to him, and I proper Disneyed it up and made it sweet and I says to him, "Well,

"that come about cos me and your mum is so much in love that, a few months back,

"I proper banged her...

"without a johnny.

"I was on top of your mum and then your mum was on top of me,

"and then we was both on top of your auntie..."

"In fact, that little bump nearly wasn't my son at all.

"He was nearly my nephew,

"but then your auntie needed the toilet..."

-Are you a mum, sweetheart?

-No.

-Do you want to be?

Look at that, geez. You loved that, innit? That's how you bang 'em.

Was your dad a cement mixer?

Cos you're making me well 'ard.

-APPLAUSE

-Write these down, geez.

Write these fucking down, I tell you. People, man.

This happened to me, right? It was well embarrassing.

Has anyone thought that someone was pregnant when they actually wasn't?

Has that happened to someone?

-Yeah!

-My Spanish teacher.

-What's that, sweets?

-My Spanish teacher.

-Your "fanny" what?

-LAUGHTER

-Spanish!

I'll come over here, sweets. You're a nice girl. What happened to you, babe?

-It was in Spanish...

-She was in Spanish? OK, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and she got really fat over the summer, so I was like, "Are you pregnant?"

-She was like, "No, I'm not," and I was like, "Oh, OK." It was embarrassing.

-Oh, no.

Do you reckon you'd ever make that mistake again?

-No.

-No. Well, we're about to find out, people!

Yes, cos you are about to play Preggers Or Not Preggers!

Yes!

Preggers Or Not Preggers!

Here is the scenario.

You is on your way home from work.

The train is packed but you manage to get the last seat.

Result. Yes! In she goes.

You can't quite relax cos youse is getting evils from the fella next to you,

and it suddenly dawns upon you that the seat you is sitting on

is the priority seat for people who is pregnant, elderly or less able to stand.

Oo-oo-oo-ooh! You bitch!

You look up and you see what appears to be six preggers birds,

but all is not as it seems.

Only one of them is preggers. The others is just...

big-boned.

All you've got to do is give up your seat for the bird who you think is preggers and,

if you get it right, you'll never have to face this dilemma again

as you'll win this quality prize!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-APPLAUSE

Here we go.

Passenger number one, will you please step forward?

There she is.

Hello, my name's Nicola. Please can I have your seat?

Ohh, what do you reckon? Is she eating for two cos she wants to or cos she has to?

Don't give up your seat just yet.

Passenger number two, please step forward.

# Get up stand up... #

Hello, my name is Laura.

Don't give your seat to her. Give it to me.

What do you reckon? Real baby or food baby?

-What do you think... preggers or not preggers?

-Not preggers!

-Not preggers?

Right, don't give up your seat just yet, sweetheart.

Passenger number three, please step forward.

-Yes.

-Hello, my name is Chloe.

Please don't give up a seat for them.

-Please give it to me.

-Ohh, she's nice, innit?

I'd definitely do her.

As long as I went on top.

Passenger number four, please step forward.

# Get up stand up... #

-Omelette, what the fuck are you doing here?

-I thought this was the queue for the buffet car.

No, mate, it's not and you're dressed as a bird. Go sit down.

-MAN:

-Preggers!

CHEERING

To be fair, he does look good in maternity gear, don't he?

All right from behind, I don't know...

Number five, please step forward.

-Yes!

-APPLAUSE

Hi, my name's Natalie.

Don't give up your seat for these guys. Can I have your seat?

Oh, very full boobs.

Innit? But do you reckon that is full of milk or just full of whatever tits is made of?

I don't know. Loveliness, I suppose. I don't know. Preggers or not preggers?

Not preggers!

Not preggers. Anyone think preggers?

You think preggers? My man over here thinks preggers.

-Why do you think preggers, geez?

-She just looks pregnant.

Just looks pregnant. You've fucking cracked this game.

Passenger number six, our final passenger, please step forward.

# Get up stand up... #

Hello, my name's Amanda.

Don't give your seat to them. Please can I have your seat?

Ohh, my gosh! She's rubbing it.

Is that the baby kicking or is it supper time?

Well, what do you think?

Preggers or not preggers...

who are you going to go for?

Number one.

-You're going to go number one.

-Yeah.

Let's find out if you is right.

Number two, please tell us...

preggers or not preggers?

I am...

not pregnant.

Ohh, look at that!

Well done.

Number three, preggers or not preggers?

I am...

not pregnant.

Ohh, well done, sweetheart.

Number five, preggers or not preggers?

I am...

Ohh!

-..not pregnant.

-Ohh!

-You has just two left.

-PHONE RINGS

Who can that be?

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Lee Nelson speaking.

It's the banker.

This is Preggers Or Not Preggers. You want Deal Or No Deal with the weirdy beardy fella.

Yeah, same sort of show, but we've got better prizes on this.

Yeah, you can win a chair.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah! Fuck off.

OK. OK, cheers.

Cheers. Yeah.

No, OK. Laters. Nice. Bye. OK. Cheers.

Wrong number.

But he's offered you the swap, yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a legend, banker! Offered the swap. What do you think? Swap?

-No!

-Swap!

Oh, sweets, what are you going to do. Is you going to swap?

PHONE RINGS

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Lee Nelson speaking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Omelette, did you order pizzas?

-Yeah, I did.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did. Cheers, nice one. Bye.

OK, yeah, it's £86.90.

-Are you going to go for the swap, sweets?

-No.

-She's gone for it.

Will the real pregnant bird please

take your seat?!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Oh!

Oh!

YES! Look at that!

Yes! Well done.

Oh, my man, you've won a chair!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Please give it up for all the ladies!

Here is one fella who don't ever have to give up his seat for no-one

cos he don't even use the train.

He's got a chauffeur-driven Hummer.

Legend. Give it some for Premier League footballer, Jason Bent!

Yes!

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

-Hey, Jason.

-Hello, mate.

This is 110% Bent.

CROWD WHISTLES AND JEERS

With four red cards already this season,

the last thing Jason needed was more controversy on the pitch.

Jason, a yellow card today for diving.

How do you respond to accusations that you were cheating?

Very upsetting. You know, it was definitely contact

and I probably would've scored as well.

I was running up to take a penalty.

Straight red card just ten minutes later, Jason.

Yeah, it was a terrible decision.

Um, the ref's got to use some common sense.

I mean, yes, I spat on the defender's face,

but it wasn't a greenie.

Did you mean to spit in his face?

It's difficult for me to comment. I didn't see the incident.

But with kids watching on, should you be swearing at the referee?

When he's a fucking prick like today, then yes.

And of course, today's red card means you miss next week's derby.

No, I won't, I've got Sky.

Jason, you are picking up a bit of a reputation for having a poor disciplinary record.

You've already picked up a six-match ban this season.

Yeah, the press made a lot of fuss over that.

You've got to realise, if you want the Premier League to be the most competitive league in the world,

occasionally things do spill over and you end up stamping on the ref's head.

Um...you know, with all due respect, I feel it's time the press moved on.

Um, I've said I'm sorry, sent flowers, visited the grave...

..but as the replays show, it WAS our throw-in.

Congratulations, Jason, you are today's Man Of The Match.

Cheers.

Next week, Jason gets in a panic when he's picked for a random FA drugs test.

-Jason!

-Jason's gone home!

There's no-one in here.

That's all on 110% Bent.

Quality!

All right, people, who have we got in the house tonight, man?

Has we got like foreign people and that? Give us a cheer.

-Yeah!

-Loads of foreign fellas. Yeah, good for you.

-Where are you from? We'll start with the fella at the back.

-Sweden.

Sweden! You legend, my man.

-You proper, proper legend. Do you speak Swedish, geez?

-Yeah, I do.

Speak some Swedish. Go on, say a few things.

I'll turn my back and pretend I'm watching one of my DVDs.

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

It's one of them fucking gay ones, innit?

You legend. Welcome, my man. Absolutely welcome.

Look over here. Some foreigners here? Who was givin' it some?

-My man over here, where are you from?

-Australia.

Look at that. Welcome, geez!

-Whereabouts are you from?

-Melbourne.

Should we say Sydney and make it easier?

If you like.

No idea, innit? Good for you, my man.

-Are the Aussies a nice bunch?

-Yeah, they're a great bunch, yeah.

Yeah, OK, so we just get the dicks over here, then?

-Whereabouts are you from?

-Serbia.

-Serbia!

Quality! Did you see a queue and think they was handing out visas?

Serbia, legend, innit? Welcome, geez, welcome.

-What's your name, my man?

-Douche.

LAUGHTER

If you've got any chance of fitting in, you've got to change that, my man.

Yeah, what is it...Douche?

-Douche.

-OK, can we think of another name for him, anyone?

-Clive!

-What, Clive? That's fucking out of order!

From now on, my man, you is Clive. You're an Englishman, innit.

100% welcome to the Serbian!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Legend. Look at that, you're pointing at her. That's quality, man.

-Whereabouts are you from?

-New Zealand.

-New Zealand!

And you're with the Serbian man. Round of applause, man.

Innit?

For the Internet.

It's all good, innit? I don't know about New Zealand.

-Whereabouts in New Zealand are you from?

-Hamilton.

Shall we say Sydney and make it easier?

Geez, I can't believe I ain't spotted you. Look at this man!

Can you see this man? He's straight. Look at him, look at him.

He's fucking brilliant.

Yes. He's from another fucking century!

Genius. Look at that.

How was your day, geez, cleaning chimneys?

Where are you boys from, by the way? Are you London boys?

-From Hong Kong.

-From Hong Kong? Fucking brilliant!

Look at that.

China. Are you proper Chinese? You were both made in China?

Yeah? They're brilliant, man.

Quality. What do you like?

Have you like checked out Chinatown?

Is it similar or different?

-Quite different.

-Is it? What's the difference?

In Hong Kong, you have got something you like, like warmandwet.

-What's that?

-Warmandwet.

Fuck.

Say that again, geez, but slow it right down.

-Warm. And wet.

-Warm and wet?

-I thought that's what you like!

You fucking dirty boy!

Listen, people, every one of you is welcome on my show.

Now, who here likes old people?!

-CHEERING

-Yes! Who here likes fun stuff?!

-CHEERING

-Yes!

Well, youse is going to love this. It's time for

Old People Do Fun Stuff!

Yes!

Old People Do Fun Stuff!

This week on Old People Do Fun Stuff, it's Jeff. Hello, Jeff.

What is you going to do for us on this week's Old People Do Fun Stuff?

Lee, I'm going to do an impression of Michael Caine.

Wicked!

And I thought I'd seen everything. Over to you.

DRUM ROLL

My name is Sir Michael Caine.

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's not a lot of people know that.

Yes!

You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.

Yes! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's funny cos he's old.

Quality!

And who better to introduce what's coming next than Michael Caine?

Hello, Michael Caine here.

-Pop your nuts for Faliraki Nights.

-Yes!

Every year, thousands of young holidaymakers go to Faliraki for fun, sun, sea and a whole lot more.

Three-times Rep Of The Year, Chris Young gives these party-goers the holiday of their lives.

What's the secret of my success? You're about to find out.

This is Faliraki Nights.

You see, with most reps, you get a few fun hours here, a few fun hours there,

but when I'm your rep, it's a 24/7 party. There's no letting up.

THEY SCREAM

"On Chris's tour, you never snore.

"You know the score."

If they do try and get some shut-eye, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.

BANG!

I'm awake!

THEY CHEER

Whoa! Get it down me!

Message in a bottle -

that always wakes them up.

I'm awake!

When they go to sleep on my watch, they can find themselves having a wet dream.

I'm going to fucking piss on him to wake him up!

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

And if those don't do the job, there's always barf time.

I'm awake!

On Chris's tour, you never snore.

ALL: You know the score.

He just never lets you sleep.

It's fucking brilliant!

I truly care about these people.

One of the first things I do is look down the list

and see if anyone's got a birthday whilst they're out here

so I can give them a really special day.

# Happy birthday to you! #

One, two, three, wey! Yeah!

Let's open his fucking presents!

You know, every holiday has sadly got to come to an end,

but I make sure they leave with a bagful of memories.

The award for the best tits goes to Kaz!

Tits out, tits out!

For the smallest cock...

it's Ian!

The least popular bloke...

it's Todds.

Yes.

So, for one last time... let's get fucked up!

Hello, Omelette.

Do you know what it's time for?

-My swimming class?

-No, mate.

It's time for Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

Omelette, on this wheel are three things

and, at the end of the show, you HAVE to do one of them,

so do you fancy

getting humiliated medieval style as the audience chuck fish guts at your head whilst you is in some stocks?

-CHEERING

-No, definitely not.

Are you up for putting on a bikini and mud-wrestling two well strong girls?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

No, thanks.

Would you like to chat up and snog the letter E?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

No, not really.

Well, you is going to have to do one of them, mate,

cos it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge! Spin that wheel!

Yes!

Ohh...

Yes!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Omelette, is you going to put on a bikini and mud-wrestle two well strong girls?

No, I'm not.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-Everyone, do it, do it...

-Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it...

Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh. You going to do it now?

Yeah, all right.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

We've peer-pressured him into it.

Quality! Off you go and get ready, Omelette!

Yes! Proper funny.

That, people, is all we've got time for. Oh, no!

Yeah, I better get back to my little boy I left in with Neighbours and that finishes at six, innit?

There's just one more thing to come.

It's my nan singing a classic tune!

Yes, come on down, Nan! Yes!

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for watching.

Sweetheart, I'll see you on my car bonnet.

Who are you going to be tonight, Nan?

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Dizzee Rascal.

-Quality!

Take it away, Nan!

Yes! Everyone up and giving it, yes!

# I wake up Every day is a daydream

# Everything in my life ain't what it seems

# I wake up Just go back to sleep

# I act real shallow But I'm in too deep

# All I care about is sex and violence

# A heavy bass-line is my kind of silence

# Everybody says that I gotta get a grip

# But I let sanity give me the slip

# Some people think I'm bonkers

# But I just think I'm free

# Man, I'm just living my life

# There's nothing crazy about me

# Some people pay for thrills

# But I get mine for free

# Man, I'm just living my life

# There's nothing crazy about me. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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