Episode 5 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

You'll be all right on your own tonight, yeah? Yeah!

Oh. Don't make a mess, Social Services is coming later.

I want you to make a good impression.

HIP-HOP MUSIC

This programme contains strong language.

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quali-t-t-t-ty!

APPLAUSE

Y-e-e-e-e-e-es!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Spread the love!

Spread the love! Spread the love with your glasses. Look at that!

Yes! Yes! Y-e-e-e-es! She's nice! She's nice!

Hello, geezer! Love that! Love that! Sweetheart, love that hair!

Hello, gorgeous! You're nice.

Hello, my man, my man, my man, my man.

Spread the love. Spread the love!

Hello! Hello, geezer! Lovin' it! Sweetheart! My man!

Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

I'm Lee Nelson!

Yes! Coming up on my show tonight,

He's got a low metabolic rate, but he's my best mate. It's Omelette!

RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE

My nan will be singing some grime.

Yes! Hello, Nan.

And we'll all be laughing at that fella's outfit.

LAUGHTER

Yes. It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quali-t-t-t-ty!

-RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE

-Yes!

Yes!

People, I am on such a high! Let me tell you that for nothing.

I had my little boy's sixth birthday party this afternoon, man!

So, yeah! I'm still feeling a little bit Coke'd up.

LAUGHTER

I am so good with kids, man. Let me tell you that.

With kids, you've got to use your imagination, innit?

And that's what I'm well good at - imaginin' stuff.

This afternoon at the party, none of the kids would be quiet.

So I used my head. I come out in front of them and I go,

"Kids, I am a w-i-i-i-i-izard!

"I'm a wiz-a-a-ard!

"And unless you shush, I will smash your fuckin' 'eads in!"

LAUGHTER

All silence, man. They all thought I was a wizard!

I had such a good time, man. What a party!

Spent a fortune on 'em. Lot of it was wasted.

Half of them didn't even know what a strip-o-gram was.

Any dads in the house? Give us a cheer!

-CHEERING

-Loads of you!

-Is you a dad over here, geez?

-I am.

Yeah! Look at him. You don't look like the sort of geezer

someone would have sex with.

You've done it, you legend! Look at that. Good for him.

-How many you got, geez?

-Three.

-Quality! You keep in touch?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

The thing about being a dad, yeah,

is you've got to know in your heart you're a good dad.

It doesn't matter what no-one else tells you.

I'm the best dad. I don't give a shit what some social worker thinks.

Yeah. She's an idiot. I've got an idiot social worker, lemme tell you.

She's tryin' to blame me for my little boy bein' out of control.

Oh, my gosh, how could it be my fault?

For fuck's sake, I'm hardly ever there!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's the thing. Discipline's difficult, innit?

What d'you do? How d'you sort your kids out?

-Just be nice to them.

-Just be nice to them. Fuck off!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh! So, you got experience. A few years under your belt.

-Yeah.

-Give us some parenting advice. What d'you think?

Well...lock 'em in a cupboard.

-Lock 'em in a cupboard?

-LAUGHTER

I didn't know you were Austrian.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It is hard, man. We got a naughty step for my little boy,

which scares the hell out of him. It's on the roof.

Brilliant, innit? Absolutely brilliant.

And he's six. So he's always asking, "Why? Why? Why? Why?

"Why, why, why, why, why does the lady come 'round when Mummy's out?

"Why's the lady in Mummy's bed? Why are you locking me in me room?"

It's so irritatin'. I'm tryin' to fuck someone.

You've got to keep it in with the birds, though, don't you?

You can't just dry up just coz you's a dad, innit?

Sweetheart, you're the best-lookin' bird I've ever seen...

..in your category.

Innit? They love that. Yeah.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

Yeah. Then I'd come on your tits.

LAUGHTER

Now, here's one man who all the kids is lookin' up to.

Show some love for Premier League footballer, Jason B-e-e-e-ent!

-APPLAUSE

-Yes!

'Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents.

'And we've been given 110% access to his life.'

All right, Jason? Slow down, mate.

'This is 110% Bent.

'After months of meticulous preparation,

'Jason's very own soccer school finally opens its doors.

'BBC's Mark Chapman dropped in to check it out.'

This is the Jason Bent Soccer School.

What made you decide to open your own community soccer school?

Well, I grew up 'round here. All me family are from here.

I thought I should give something back to the community.

It's a fuckin' shithole.

Most of these kids are proper scum.

All right, boys?

Press it firmly against the side of ya. Either side'll do.

And force the air out as quickly as possible.

Well done, Josh. Now, swap sides, everyone.

Good.

I understand there's also a charity component to the school.

Tell us about that.

We get kids from the local hospital.

It's great seeing them play, although they are weak on the ball.

And off the ball, to be fair.

Erm, but having them kids here puts things into perspective.

Makes you realise football's not that important.

Then they go back to hospital and you never think about them again.

OK, everyone understand? Yeah? Good. OK.

Seth, pull me shirt.

A lot of footballers get stick for earning such high wages.

Do you think that's fair?

Yeah. Footballers do get paid more than the average wage,

but without footballers, the average wage would be a lot lower.

So we're actually doing people a favour.

Their lad with the black stripes is dead skilful.

I want you to kick him out of the fucking game.

Have you seen any kids at the school and thought, "They're special"?

Erm,.... yeah. We've got a couple of lads with autism.

And is there any one person in particular that's caught your eye?

I'd say I'm the best here.

There's also a session dedicated to the FA's Respect The Ref Campaign.

It's nice to see a footballer explaining to the kids

what a difficult job referees have.

I've always thought refs must have an impossible job.

That's the only reason I can think as to why they're so fucking shit.

Piss off!

Fuck off!

Well done, but a bit more aggression.

You're a fucking prick, referee! Yeah?

OK. Lauren, give it a go, please.

I've had a great day. I can only imagine

how much fun the kids must be having.

Y-e-e-es! Come on!

Yeah? Did you see that, kids?

Take that, Chappers!

'Next week, Jason puts the record straight

'over constant speculation that he's agreed a move to Barcelona.'

I've had not contact with Barcelona.

And I've no desire whatsoever to move to Barcelona.

And as far as I'm concerned, that's the end of that.

'That's all on 110% Bent.'

APPLAUSE

So, who we got in the house tonight? I'm a Londoner.

Any Londoners in the house? Make some noise!

-CHEERING

-Yeah!

-Where abouts in London are you from?

-Lewisham.

South London. Proper... scum!

We got any east Londoners in the house?

-CHEERING

-Check it out. Where abouts?

-Hackney.

-Quality, man!

You's is gettin' the Olympics, innit? You up for that?

Cos I'm thinkin' it's a little bit of a waste of money.

No. Who is reckonin' that?

They're sayin' it's 10-billion quid. 10-billion quid!

They're sayin' it'll be the best two weeks London's ever seen.

I dunno about you, but if I'm spendin' 10-billion quid

on the best two weeks in London,

that would not include badminton.

LAUGHTER

-Have we got any Northerners in the house?

-Yeah!

Yeah! Loads of Northerners. Where's the Northerner? Brilliant!

They're so friendly, Northerners. "Hello, hello, hello, hello".

It's fucking irritating, actually.

-Where abouts in the North are you from, babe?

-Manchester.

Welcome, sweets. I like Manchester, but it's a little bit backward.

In Manchester, they have a gay village.

Now, you have got to let them live where they like these days.

We encourage 'em to go to Brighton, but it's not a law.

LAUGHTER

The most amazing thing about Manchester, right,

all the blokes in Manchester

call all the younger blokes, "Our kid", cos they can't be sure.

LAUGHTER

They speak a little bit different, don't they, the Northern people?

In the south, we say, like, "Bath". Innit?

Southerners, "Bath". Innit?

I'm going to wash myself in the bath. Innit?

Wash myself in the bath. Innit?

Up north, they say, "Fuck it. Let's just go for a drink".

LAUGHTER

Where abouts are you from, sweetheart - Planet Beautiful?

What language do they speak there?

Come here, geezer. Write these fucking down. You know what I mean?

What's your national anthem - God Save Your Gracious Tits?

LAUGHTER

Who else have we got? Any Scottie Land people in the house?

-CHEERING

-Where abouts?

-Motherwell.

LAUGHTER

No. We like the Scotties. They got a bit of a different language.

A few different words here and there. I was in Glasgow.

In England we call the thing by the side of the road a gutter.

In Glasgow, they say, "Bed".

LAUGHTER

The best restaurant in the world is Scottish.

Mwah! McDonalds.

LAUGHTER

Brilliant, innit? Brilliant!

Cos we do sound a bit different. I couldn't quite hear you.

Say somethin', geez.

-Motherwell.

-LAUGHTER

When you hear the Scots in long sentences, like, "Huh-ha-huh".

"Huh-hah-huh-hah-h-u-u-u-uh". Innit?

In England, we call that a fucking asthma attack.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-Legend.

-Who here reckons London's the best?

-CHEERING

Innit? We got the best of everythin' in London, innit?

The best transport, you know. Don't laugh at that!

We have the best rail-replacement bus service in the world.

Innit? And all the tourists come to London to see our famous stuff,

like our red public toilets with the telephone in 'em.

LAUGHTER

You know who the real boss of London is?

It ain't the Royal Family, it that's blond Boris geezer.

What d'you think of blond Boris?

-CHEERING

-Like him. Anyone not like him?

-FAINT SHOUTS

-I don't know what I think of him.

Every time I think of blond Boris, I think, "You've gone fat".

You know what I mean? He's like...!

Isn't he? How thin was he when he won Wimbledon?

LAUGHTER

Welcome everyone, man. I think we get the best foreigners over here.

We get the top doctors from India,

the best nurses from the Philippines.

Nigeria sends us the cream of their traffic wardens.

-LAUGHTER

-Brilliant, aren't they?

I got clamped dogging once.

I love foreigners cos they all got their different special skills.

People, is you up for puttin' them special foreign skills to the test?

-CHEERING

-Yes.

Let's play 20 Second Foreign Challenge!

-CHEERING

-Yes!

# 20 Second Foreign Challenge. #

I'm going to put the foreign skills

of my favourite countries to the test.

Each country has just 20 seconds to complete their skill

for a chance to win one of these Well Good foreign medals.

Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es!

OK. Let the games begin!

APPLAUSE

FANFARE

-Pathetic.

-LAUGHTER

OK. First up, everyone loves 'em. They're cracking fun.

So go mental for the Chinese!

-APPLAUSE

-Yes!

Y-e-e-e-es!

Hello, man. Hello.

CHEERING

OK, my friends, is you ready to test

your special foreign skill?

THEY SPEAK CHINESE

-LAUGHTER

-I'm going to take that as a yes.

OK. I am going to give you, my man, a sentence. OK?

And in 20 seconds,

you have got to Chinese-whisper it...

LAUGHTER

..all the way through to him at the end.

Here's the phrase they've got to Chinese-whisper.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

Good luck.

ALL: Three, two, one.

20 Second Foreign Challenge!

Ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh!

The focus is massive.

That is what makes them so good.

She's turning, she's using two hands. This is incredible.

They're running out of time. They've got to go quick.

ALL: Five, four, three, two, one.

BUZZER!

APPLAUSE

-My man,...

-LAUGHTER

..what is it that I said?

Oh my days, I've got itchy balls.

-Yes!

-RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE

Absolutely brilliant, man! Look at that!

Yes! You is a Well Good Foreigner!

-Quality!

-APPLAUSE

Good man! Brilliant! Brilliant!

-Come on, show 'em some love!

-RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE

Quality!

Who here likes Italy?

CHEERING

Yes, course we do! Italian food's the best in the world! Mwah!

Pot Noodle!

-LAUGHTER

-Bring out the Italia-a-a-ns!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes! Legend!

Welcome, geez. Do all the Italian blokes look like you?

-Sorta like... Birds?

-LAUGHTER

Look at him! He's good, he's good, he's good. I like Italy.

I think yous have the best national anthem in the world, innit?

# Go Compare!

-# Go Compare!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My friend, is you ready to test your special foreign skill?

Cierto, si.

I'm gonna take that as a yes.

My man, you have 20 seconds to pull a bird in the audi-e-e-e-nce!

SHRIEKING AND APPLAUSE

Using your Italian charm, thank you, Omelette, and these.

LAUGHTER

Stay the fuck away from them two, yeah?

Good luck, my man. Here we go. Three! Two! One!

-20 Second Foreign Challenge!

-BUZZER

-OPERA MUSIC

-He's gone for it! He's gone for it!

Here he is! He's walked past the blokes. I wasn't sure at first.

He's gone for it! He's moved in for the blonde.

-Can I hold your hand? Can I?

-Look at his techniques.

Snog! Snog! Snog!

-Can I give you a kiss?

-Snog! Snog! Snog!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Look at that, my man. Look at that! All right, wasn't it?

Not bad. Just a little kiss on the lips.

My man, you do it English stylee. Gimme these, geez.

-Fuck these, it's not a funeral.

-LAUGHTER

And then you've just gotta force yourself on her.

SHRIEKING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK? That's how to do it. Yeah? Don't give 'em no choice.

-Let's give it up for the Italian!

-APPLAUSE

Yes! That was nice, innit? Good man, innit. Good man.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Who here likes the Japanese?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bring out the Japanese fella!

Song: 'Kung Fu Fighting' by Carl Douglas and Vivian Hawke

APPLAUSE

-Did he just try and nut me?

-LAUGHTER

I'm only joking, geez. Hitachi.

-LAUGHTER

-OK. Welcome, my man.

Are you ready to test your special foreign skill?

SPEAKS JAPANESE

I'm going to gamble and take that as a yes.

You have 20 seconds...

..to take ten photos.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Of our audience. Yes?

Thank you, Omelette. You not harpoon Omelette. He's not a whale.

LAUGHTER

Here we go. To help him, let's all strike the Japanese photo pose.

LAUGHTER

Everyone! That's it. Now he's comfortable.

How'd you turn that on? We never even gave him a manual or nothing.

-LAUGHTER

-Good luck.

Three! Two! One! 20 Second Foreign Challenge!

Here we go, here we go!

There's one! Oh no!

Everyone keep the pose! Two! Three!

Four!

Oh no! Five.

AUDIENCE: Three! Two! One!

BUZZER

Oh my gosh! OK, geez. OK!

Look at that! Oh no! I thought you was never going to stop, my man.

-It was like on of your Toyotas.

-LAUGHTER

This is not Japanese camera.

-Not a Japanese camera?

-No! It is not Japanese camera.

You would have caned that had you done that.

My man, unlucky. He's a legend, though.

Let's give it up for our Japanese ma-a-n!

APPLAUSE

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Off you go.

OK, people. Let's show 'em how to do it. It's an Englishman!

APPLAUSE

My man! Look at that! Look at that!

Proper, proper Englishman.

-Built like a...fat fucker!

-LAUGHTER

Now, is you ready to test your special skill?

-Fucking bring it on!

-Yes!

-That's a proper yes, innit?

-LAUGHTER

OK. My man. You has 20 seconds to down six pints!

LAUGHTER AND SHRIEKING

Look at that.

OK. Here we go. Good luck.

Three! Two! One! 20 Second Foreign Challenge!

He's gone for it! He's gone for it!

Let's help him out and sing the national anthem of England!

# En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-la-a-nd.

# En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-la-and.

# En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land.

-APPLAUSE

-A-a-ah!

BUZZER

No! You failed!

Like a good English person!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Never mind, man. We love a loser in this country. Don't we? Innit?

LAUGHER

Have a medal anyway. What the hell, we'll give him one. Innit, geez?

Yes, come here. Yes, legend!

Let's give it up for our English hero!

SHRIEKING AND APPLAUSE

If you love foreigners, you is gonna piss yourself at this fella.

Go proper nuts for Dr Bob and Hospital Live!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, hello there, viewers.

Welcome to Hospital Life with me, Dr Bob.

Coming up on today's show.

We'll be putting alternative medicines to the test.

Is that better?

And after 11 embarrassing years, we finally rename the Children's Ward.

Gives me great pleasure to open the Glitter Ward!

LAUGHTER

That's all coming up on Hospital Life.

That's all clear from me, there.

One of the most difficult things for a patient to understand

is that some treatments, whilst helping,

can carry some ghastly side-effects.

Now, this really is by far the best treatment option.

Although as discussed, your hair will fall out,

your skin will blister, you'll develop mouth ulcers,

severe diarrhoea, impotence and a 90% chance of blindness.

Whoop.

I'll check up on you in a little while, Mr Connor.

My name's Carlisle.

Not Connor.

Hah! I'm in the wrong room.

Not to worry!

Erm, well done. LAUGHTER

If you're elderly and living alone, perhaps you should consider

killing yourself.

LAUGHTER

Welcome to our most popular part of the show. Breaking bad news.

When breaking bad news, I find using humour can really help

a patient come to terms with things.

Let's give it a whirl, shall we?

Hello, Mrs Daniels! How are you doing today, dear?

-All right. Just a bit nervous about-

-Good!

Mrs Daniels. Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side?

No. To pick up your medication. You've got MRSA!

LAUGHTER

Good chicken!

Well, unfortunately, that's all we've got time for.

Not to worry, just like Mrs Daniels,

I'll still be here next week with an insomniac special.

Until then, night night.

APPLAUSE

Oh my gosh!

That, people, is all we've got time for! Oh no!

AUDIENCE: A-ahh!

I'd better get back to my little boy.

He's being looked after by Bob and Dave.

I ain't worried or nothing, they're well friendly dogs.

LAUGHTER

There's just one thing to come. My nan singing some grime! Yes!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Come on, my nan!

Thank you for coming! Thank you for watching!

Sweetheart. I will see you in the car park.

Yes, innit? Hello, Nan! You all right?

-Who you gonna be tonight, Nan?

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Wiley.

Oh! Quality-y!

CHEERING

Take it away, Nan!

# Usually drink, usually dance, usually babble

# That's when I start promising the world, brand new girl

# I don't know yet next things she's wearing my Rolex

# Usually drink, usually dance, usually babble

# Usually drink, usually dance, usually babble

# Usually drink, usually dance, usually babble

# That's when I start promising the world brand new girl

# I don't know yet next things she's wearing my Rolex

# Too much shanks don't know where my phone is... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.