Episode 6 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

Be all right on your own tonight? Yeah? Yeah!

Make sure you eat your tea.

There's a drivethrough Maccy Ds if you want to take the car!

This programme contains some strong language

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, quality!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes! Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Look at that man. Nothing. Hello!

Yeah, you all right, sweetheart? Nice, ain't it.

Look at that, you're loving that. Yes! Sweet!

Hello. Hello.

Spread the love! Spread the love!

Spread the love! Hello, hello!

My man, spread the love. Back where we started. Yeah!

Welcome to the Lee Nelson's Well Good Show! I'm Lee Nelson!

Quality! Coming up on my show tonight, he'll eat everything

on your plate, but he's my best mate, it's Omelette!

Yes! My nan's going to be singing some UK garage!

And we'll all be having a proper laugh

at that man's ridiculous hat and hair.

Yeah!

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show!

Quality!

People, I'm in the mood of my life.

Let me tell you that for nothing.

I'm getting married, everyone!

I can't believe I'm getting hitched, man.

Me and Amber, we only recently had a trial separation.

That went fucking well.

Yeah. We split up, because like an idiot I forgot her birthday

and slept with her sister.

I just got back from my stag do in Amsterdam.

Absolute quality, man. Though, my best man and my best mate,

Omelette, fucked up the flights.

Yeah, so we had to cram the whole stag do into three hours. It was mental.

Yeah, ended up paintballing with hookers on go-karts.

What a rush, man, what a rush.

Give us a cheer if you're married, people.

Yeah. Let's start over there. Hello, sweets, you all right, babe?

Yeah, that's nice.

You look dappy and that, look at that. Where's the man?

-He's not my husband.

-He's not your husband?!

No wonder she's so fucking happy.

Look at that! Good for you. Oh, my gosh, I like that.

Anyone else over here that's married? is the love still there?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Snog! Snog!

Snog! Yeah.

Fold your legs, fold your legs, fold your legs.

That's dirty, man. Good for you, people get married for all sorts of different things, innit?

Like, why did you get married to her, geezer?

We love each other.

You love each other? That's so gay!

What about you, you look like a married man, the life is drained from you over the years, innit?

What's, like, the best thing about the marriage?

-The first few hours.

-The first few hours?!

Fucking legend, look at that.

I don't believe that, man.

He didn't last for hours! Look at him,

he's a four-minute job, in't he?

Up there, sweets, what's the worst thing about being married, what do you think?

-You got to tidy up after them.

-You got to tidy up after them. Does he leave a mess?

-Sometimes.

Yeah, all over your face!

-What's going on with you two over here?

-We've been together for two years.

You've been together two years? That's nice, my man, you going

-to get married?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Look at that, you've got no fucking intention of marrying her.

Cos normally, it's the birds who's the people who get the idea to get married, not the blokes.

Because, blokes, back me up on this, we know we ain't really designed

to be with one bird for the whole night.

For the wedding, we just going to have food from all around the world.

I'm in charge of the menu, because I'm well good at that sort of thing.

Basically, I'm going to get sausages from America. They do the best sausages in the world.

I'm going to get mustard from France.

I'm going to get everything else from Iceland!

-Sweetheart, what about you, girl? I bet you we got so much in common and that?

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah.

-What's your favourite food?

-Chinese.

Oh, my gosh, what a coincidence, that's mine too.

Eat in or takeaway, babe?

-Eat in.

-Oh, my gosh, I fucking hate taking shit away.

We got so much in common.

Condom or on your tits?

Yeah. Yeah, you get the backs, innit, you get the backs.

Oh, my gosh. Oi, man, the present thing is a nightmare.

I've no idea what wedding present I want to get Amber.

I want to give something on our wedding night,

but I'm down to a choice of three presents.

Thing is, I ain't got no idea what they cost.

So I need yous, to help me work out

how much they is going to set me back? Is you lot up for helping me?

There's prizes up for grabs! Yes!

Let's play, The Present Is Right.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-The Present is Right!

Yes! Andy Hughes, come the hell down.

My man Andy, quality.

Fab Tomlin, come the hell down.

Yes! Give us the little waves, yes, there he is. With you, Fab, yes.

Helen Howe, come the hell down.

Yeah, look at that. Helen! Yes!

Yes!

Let's play The Present Is Right.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Contestants, here is how it works.

OK?

Each present here is something which I think Amber will well love.

For round one, all yous got to do

is guess how much you think present one is going to cost me.

And, I'm afraid, the furthest out will be out of the game.

Good luck.

Omelette. Open present number one!

Yes! Yeah!

I'm afraid she ain't the present!

It's actually her chest that I'm interested in for Amber.

Hayley here has had her boobs enlarged! Yes.

APPLAUSE

Hayley went from a 34C to a girl worth talking to.

Contestants, how much do you think it'll cost me to get Amber

a boob job like Hayley's?

My man, I'm going to give you the chance to lose your semi.

And I'm going to start with this man, Fab, who seems a little bit more...

-gay.

-I'm going to go two grand.

-He's going to go two grand. Are you sure?

-Yeah.

He's going to go £2,000.

Helen, what do you think?

-Five grand.

-Five grand, Helen's gone five grand.

OK. Andy, have you had a chance to calm down?

Just a bit.

-What you going for?

-£3,500.

£3,500. Them's your final answers, here we go.

Hayley, how much did it cost for that boob job?

If you want to get Amber boobs like mine for her wedding present,

it's going to cost you...£3,595.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's give it up for Hayley and her magnificent breasts!

Didn't they do well?!

Oh, no, Fab.

Two grand, you were the furthest away. I'm afraid we have to let you go, never mind,

you come here with nothing, you're leaving with nothing, it probably cost you quite a bit to get here.

-Have you had a good night?

-I certainly have.

-Let's give it up for Fab!

Look at that, off you go, my man. Legend.

Round two, Omelette,

open up present two.

Out you come!

Yes!

Legend.

Andy, how much do you think it'll cost me to gimp my bride?

-I'm going for £160.

-He's going £160.

OK, that's quite cheap. I'm not sure if it's PVC or leather,

but I ain't about to smell it and find out.

Helen, what are you thinking?

I thought it would be a bit cheaper.

-Cheaper?!

-Yeah.

-Jesus Christ, they're not pyjamas!

-Helen, what are you going to go for?

-£200.

-She's gone £200.

Let's find out.

My man, how much did it cost you?

If you'd like a suit like this, it'll cost...

-£309.90.

-And 90p!

Oh! Yes!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Andy, oh, no, we're going to have to let you go, you had the worse guess,

you're out of the game! But don't worry,

no-one goes away empty handed from this game, apart from the first geezer, obviously.

You're going to go home with one of these, a Lee Nelson "You Mug" Mug.

Let's give it up for Andy, he was quality! Legend!

Helen, you're in the final round, this is fantastic stuff and it's present number three.

Same rules, but here's where you get a chance

to win tonight's star prize, if you guess within £100,

the correct price, you'll win this, a solar-powered radio alarm clock!

-APPLAUSE

-That's mine.

I know it is, mate.

-It's not solar-powered.

-Yeah, shut up, Omelette.

If you get more than £100 out,

don't worry, because you'll be taking home this,

a Lee Nelson stolen chequebook and pen!

Omelette, unwrap present number three. Yeah!

No, the present ain't Iyma here, it's the tats I'm after and Amber loves tats,

Iyma has some stunning ones, but there's one in particular,

that I think Amber would love.

Ladies and gentlemen, look at that!

Yes! Yes.

I promise you, people, that ain't no transfer, this is the real deal, people.

You can't transfer scabs like that.

Yes! OK. So, how much do you think it'll cost me to get Amber a tattoo just like that?

-£300.

-She's gone straight for £300. Iyma?

Well, Lee, if you want to buy Amber a tattoo of you for her wedding present,

it's going to cost you...

-£350.

-Yes!

Oh, my gosh, yous is going home with Omelette's clock!

Oi, here's one fella who don't have to worry about money

when he's buying presents, because he's proper loaded.

Show your love for premiere league footballer Jason Bent.

Yes!

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is 110% Bent.

It's a big day for Jason. He's about to launch his autobiography in front of the fans and the press.

How will it go down?

Chapter seven.

On the coach with the coach.

All the lads said to meet at the coach before a certain time.

So that's the time all the lads got there before.

I put me bag in the boot of the coach.

It's like the boot of a car, except it's on the side and loads bigger, but I'm used to it now.

Then the gaffer talked to us about tactics, but I couldn't concentrate

because I kept thinking about the big boot...and about tits.

Then Dino farted, which was funny, but it stunk.

Then Marcy said we should play cards, then he looked for his cards,

then he found his cards, then he got his cards out,

then we started playing cards and then we were playing cards, then we played cards.

Then I lost £80,000.

The end.

Jason, I assume you've included the FA Cup Final in your book?

Yeah, that's in. I don't want to say too much about that

for people who haven't read the book and give away the results.

Jason, it's revealed in the book that you've just signed

a sponsorship deal with a children's food product.

How do you react to criticism that you're endorsing an unhealthy kids' snack?

Yeah, people think they're unhealthy,

but every processed cheese triangle

provides something like 140% of a child's daily sodium intake.

I certainly didn't do it for the money. I did it because I have always enjoyed being around cheese.

I've been wanting to work with cheese for a couple of years now.

You know, I love cheese, and I love Bent's Cheese Corners.

If you love cheese, you'll love Bent's Cheese Corners,

Bent's Cheese Corners, go on, take a corner.

There's some amazing revelations in the book regarding the relationship

between you and the manager - are they all true?

Erm, listen, I'm going to have to hold me hands up, I haven't actually read it yet.

Hey, can I say, yous lot is well nice, man.

A lot of people just take one look at me and think "guilty".

I'm in a gang, whatever, but a gang is just a group of mates. You know, you could be in a gang.

My man, you could be in a gang with yous over there and yous over there, all the people with the glasses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Long Sighted Crew.

You know it's good, isn't it?

It's the Long Sighted Crew, run!

Towards them!

Me and the boys don't hurt no-one, you know. We have a laugh.

-We don't cause no-one harm. You know at Omelette's birthday last month, remember that, Omelette

-? Yep.

We just had a giggle. We don't hurt no-one.

We just, like ripped it a little out of Omelette.

We all went round his house, broke into it at three in the morning.

Cling filmed him to the bed, innit? Yeah and he couldn't move and we all shouted "Wake up, you fat fucker!"

I thought of that!

Then we were shoving the Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes into his mouth.

We were like here, eat this.

Eat the Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes and it were proper funny

because he's got this erm...erm...

this nut allergy thing.

He was all like...

It sounded like one of them animals, who's, like, um...dying.

And Omelette was like, "It's not funny anymore. It's not funny!"

You was wrong, it was still well funny.

His face swelled up massive, innit?

It still ain't gone down,

but I'm telling you, people, me and me mates get judged all the time.

People think if you wear a hood you must be some sort of evil person.

Well it ain't true. I get on with all the cultures, you know.

I got a lot of respect for the Muslim community.

Without them it would be me getting stopped and searched for no reason.

I'm nice to all people, man. Here's how nice I is, right.

One of the lads in my crew is a little bit sort of...

Do you know what I mean?

He's like, sort of, well,

he's basically, he's...he's...

(He's disabled.)

Well, he's ginger!

Oi, people, yous is gonna love this.

It's now time for Say It In An Accent.

Say It In An Accent.

This week, it's Roger Thomas from Jamaica.

The machine that Omelette chose was Wayne.

Omelette, let's release them midweek accent balls.

Remember, it could be you!

Omelette, it can't be you. It ain't the lottery, it's just Roger reading out a few words.

You fat legend. Just press the button, I'll buy you a hot dog.

First out, this week's first accent ball "paper plate".

Ball number two,

"donkey".

Third up...

"volleyball".

Fourth ball...

"kangaroo".

And tonight's bonus accent ball.

"Wellington boots". Yes.

-Omelette, what's wrong, my man?

-None of my numbers come out.

What an idiot.

Roger, it's time to say it in an accent. Good luck.

IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: Paper plate.

IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: Donkey.

IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: Volleyball.

IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: Kangaroo.

And your bonus accent ball.

-IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: Wellington boots.

-Yes! Quality!

People, if you love foreigners, you're gonna piss yourself with this next fella.

Go proper nuts for Dr Bob and Hospital Life.

Well, hello there, viewers.

Welcome to Hospital Life, with me, Dr Bob.

Coming up on today's show:

We'll be reporting on how Royal Oak Hospital is dealing with the current NHS bed crisis.

-Morning.

-Morning.

With staff shortages reaching crisis point,

I'll be helping out in the sperm clinic.

Good. Good. Good. Oh!

Fountain!

That's all coming up on Hospital Life. You must be hungry! Aw!

When working in Accident and Emergency doctors are always on call.

Patients can arrive at any time and occasionally catch you off guard.

Sorry I'm late, team. I was taking a rather unexpected shit.

How's the patient?

Ah! Oh, well,

I'll go back and finish wiping.

Laughter is said to be the best form of medicine, but really, compared to antibiotics is pretty useless.

Welcome to the most popular part of the show, breaking bad news.

When breaking bad news I sometimes like to use a familiar game to help

the patient come to terms with the harsh reality.

Hello, Mr Jones.

How are you doing today, sir?

Well, I don't really feel that good...

Goooood!

Mr Jones, you'll never guess what I found on the canteen floor today?

A fortune teller.

-Pick a colour.

-Blue.

B-L-U-E. Now a number?

-Seven.

-Seven. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

-Another number?

-Four.

-Four.

Let's see what it says.

Ah! You've liver cirrhosis.

Just so you don't blame yourself, all the others say liver cirrhosis as well.

Well, just like Mr Jones' liver, it's time to go.

I'll be back next week, but on BBC Two, where we'll be looking

at what happens when someone dies.

I'll see you on the other side. Goodbye.

-Hello, Omelette. Do you know what it's time for?

-Beddie-byes?

No, mate, it's time for Omelette's peer pressure challenge. Yes!

Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge.

Omelette, on this wheel are three things and at the end of the show

you HAS to do one of them.

Do you fancy becoming an human Omelette

with the help of these well lush chefs?

-No, thanks.

-Is you up for eating a ploughman's sandwich,

that I have already eaten?

No way.

Would you like

to do a sit up?

No, definitely not.

Well, yous is going to have to do one of them, my man, because it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge.

Spin that wheel! Yes!

Whoo-o-o-o-oo-oa...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, Omelette, is you going to lie on the frying pan and get turned into a human omelette?

-No, I'm not.

-Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

-Sh, sh, sh, are you going to do it now?

-Yeah, all right.

Off you go and get ready. Yes!

Quality. Oi, that, people, is all we've got time for.

Oh, no!

Yeah, I got to go, my little boy's waiting for me in the car.

I couldn't find nowhere to park, so he's been driving around the block for the last hour.

Oi, there's just one more thing to come, it's my nan, singing UK garage.

Yes, come on down, Nan.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for watching. Sweetheart, I'll see you

on all fours. Yeah!

Hello, Nan.

Who are you going to be tonight, Nan?

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be The Streets.

-Quality!

Take it away, Nan.

# Excuse me girls, I know it's a bit embarrassing

# But I just noticed some tan lines on your shirt

# See, I reckon you're about an eight or a nine

# Maybe a nine-and-a-half in four beers' time

# That blue Topshop top you've got on is nice

# Bit too much fake tan, but, yeah, you score high

# But there's just one thing though that's really, really,

# Really, really, really annoying about me, you see, yeah, yeah

# Like I said, you're really fit,

# But by gosh Don't you just know it?

# I'm not trying to pull you even though I'd like to

# I think you're really fit but my gosh, don't you know it? #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]