Episode 7 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

You'll be all right on your own tonight, yeah? Yes. Make sure you finish your homework.

Then you can go joy riding.

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

CHEERING

Yes! Hello, my man, my man, my man, my man, spread the love, spread the love,

spread the love, spread the love, spread the love, spread the love.

Yeah! Nice, innit? Yes!

Hello, hello, hello, people, my man, look at that. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Spread the love, spread the love.

Look at that hair. That is wrong. Hello.

Yes, my man, my man, my man. Geezer, geezer, look at that.

Yes! Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. I'm Lee Nelson.

CHEERING

Coming up on my show tonight, he lives on my estate, he's the size of Kuwait,

it's my best mate Omelette!

Yes. My nan is going to be singing a massive tune!

Yes. Hello, Nan.

And we'll all be having a laugh at that man's lady perm.

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

Yes. Yes, people, people, people, I am in the mood of my life.

Let me tell each and every one of you that my brother has just got back from Afghanistan!

Yes, yes. He ain't a soldier or nothing. He had his stag out there.

Legend, innit? He said it was like a war zone or something. Yeah!

So I've had to look after my little sister the whole week.

She's a proper handful, let me tell you, man, 13 years old,

I've gotta look after her, she's always giving me this. I'm just sitting there,

minding my own business the other day watching telly, she canes it out the house.

I'm like, "Where's you off to?" She's like, "I'm off to a mate's party. Nothing you can do about it."

Giving it all that! I says, "You ain't going to a party looking like that,"

you know what I mean? "Now, you get back upstairs

"and you put some fucking make-up on!"

She looked 11.

Who here's got a little sister?

Little sister alert, little sister alert. Anyone, anyone?

Have you, geezer, over here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at you, my man.

You can't go all shy on me - not after putting on them clothes this morning.

-How old is your little sister, geezer?

-16.

-16 years old?

Look at that. Yeah, that's a big age, innit, 16?

When you go from 15 to 16, that is a big one, innit? Do you know what I mean, geez?

Like, the day before, I'd be a paedo.

Day after, legend.

Yes, you can't stop me. She's 16, innit? Oh, look at that.

Good for you, geezer, good for you.

Quality, man, you don't like it when I talk about your sister like that. It's all good, man.

It's 'ard, though, innit? My little sister's been well cut up

because our granddad passed away a little bit ago, which was well difficult for her especially, man.

Basically we took him to Alton Towers

and it was all a little bit too much for the fella.

Yeah, he died on that Nemesis ride.

Which is bad, but at least we got a photo of him just before he passed away.

Well, we would have, but 12 quid?! Fuck that!

Yeah. You got a granddad, sweetie pie?

-No, not any more.

-Not any more? Oh, my gosh!

Let me comfort you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With my tongue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, it's what he would've wanted.

He was filthy. Yes, look at that,

look at that. That's how you end up banging 'em, innit, geez? How old are you, geez?

-Just 16.

-16? Have you done it yet?

Wow, my man, it's all a bit embarrassing for you. Is this your dad?

-Yeah.

-Look at that. He's fucked a load of people!

Oh, my gosh!

-My man, good to see you.

-Yeah, and you.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at you, mate. You all right, geez?

-Yes, I am.

-Yes...

-Enjoying it.

Enjoying it? Fucking brilliant. Yes! Yeah!

Look at that, my man. You gotta let go, man.

-I have.

-You just ease it up now. That's it. Yes.

-How old is you, geez?

-78.

-78?

That's so good, my man. Come here, geez. Good for you, my man. Give me your wallet.

They're so easy, innit? Good for you, geez, good for you, my man. Quality.

I miss my granddad, man. I properly miss my granddad.

Do you miss your granddad, sweetheart? Yeah. Oh, my gosh, let's have a hug about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe a little feel and that.

It's nice, innit? Yes, sweets, innit? Yes, look at that.

Are you watching and learning, geez?

You gotta, like, take an interest in them and all that sort of stuff. That's what girls love -

they love it when they talk to you and all that.

So, you all right, sweets?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? What's your name, delicious?

-Cat.

-Cat?

That's the most beautiful name I ever heard in my life.

Now, that's a pack of fucking lies.

She don't need to know that. You keep 'em interested, innit?

Sweets, tell me a little bit about yourself, what you got up to today.

-Went to work.

-Oh, that's so fucking interesting. You see?

Couldn't care less.

What you into, sweets? What gets you in the mood? Hmm? Hmm?

Do you like hoovering? You make use of 'em, innit, geez.

Write that down, geez. Give me a shout when you done it.

What the fuck are you doing in here with a waistcoat?

-Off, off, off!

-ALL CHANT: Off! Off! Off!

Off, off, off, never again!

Man, what's going on with you?

You're a single man, ain't you? Yeah.

It's been a while, innit?

When was the last time you got your dipper wet, my man?

-Don't even remember.

-You can't even remember?!

Fucking hell! You must have the biggest balls in the world. Shall we make this man's night?

ALL: Yes!

Make this man's night, people.

OK, it's your lucky day cos you are going to play

-Taken From Behind!

-THEY CHEER

-TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

-Taken From Behind!

Right, my man, I'm going to give you the chance to have five minutes

in the disabled toilet with a super-fit bird, my man.

I've seen her. She's proper, proper lush.

I'd definitely do her. I know your standards are incredibly low, you'd do anything.

What you've gotta do is pick her out at the bar. By the way,

you've had six pints, two whisky chasers and a cheeky line.

Omelette, give us the beer goggles.

My man, look ahead. Whack these on.

Yes, you're proper, proper pissed.

Quality. Let's go to the bar.

Yes!

-Stand here, my man.

-CHEERING

OK, look at that. There's four of them waiting for you. You've just gotta pick one. It's tricky, innit?

Shall we ask the audience? Audience, what do you think?

Shout 'em out, shout 'em out.

Two? What do you think? I tell you what, shall we...?

Do you want to phone a friend? Yeah? You want to phone a friend?

He's seen it's your number and he's fucking ignored it.

He wears a waistcoat!

My man, but the mate ignored your number cos he was buying a round of tequila slammers at the bar.

Let's whack these down. You're even more fucked.

My man, bar is closing. Who you going to pick?

-Number three.

-He's gone with number three!

CHEERING

My man, you've just had your wallet nicked, you've sobered up.

Let's see what you could've won. Number one,

please turn round.

-CHEERING

-You missed him.

My name is Nick, and from behind, I look like a bird.

From the front, it's up for grabs.

That takes me right back to Bangkok 2007.

OK. Still happy with number three?

You're shitting it, aren't you?

He wears a waistcoat!

Number two, please turn round.

Oh, well done to avoid that.

My name is Janet. I'm 78 and I'm just happy to be alive.

Thank you.

Good work, my man. It's looking all right.

Mind you, if you would have chosen her, at least you wouldn't have had to wear a johnny.

Between three and four, here's what you could've won. Number four, please turn round.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Man, no!

I'm Cat. I'm the absolute stunner, you plonker, and I would've been well up for it.

My man!

She's a proper slag. Woo!

Woo! Here's what you've won. Number three, please turn round.

-Oh, no!

-BOOING

-AUDIENCE:

-Do it, do it, do it!

Off you go to the disabled toilet!

Oh, my gosh, that beard is going to chafe!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Well, he's clearly a mug with the birds, but here's one man who don't have no problems in that department.

It's my favourite Premier League footballer. Give it up for Jason Bent!

-CHEERING

-Yes!

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is 110% Bent.

It's been a dramatic three weeks for Jason,

but his court case is finally over and it's good news for all concerned.

It's been proven in court today that I am innocent of all ABH assault charges.

I've said throughout I'm innocent and it's a massive relief that I've finally been found innocent.

It was always my big fear that the truth would come out in court.

I want to thank my family, my friends, and my teammates

who all stood by the story I gave them.

I ask the media to respect my privacy

and I intend to make no further comment now or in the future,

but you can read my side of the story exclusively in my forthcoming book, Getting Away With It.

Thank you very much.

-What did happen that night, Jason?

-As I said in court,

I went out with a few of the lads, we had a big game the next day, so we went clubbing,

and we was enjoying a quiet drink - about eight pints -

when unfortunately I had no choice but to strike the man in self defence,

when, out of nowhere and totally unprovoked, he started walking away from me,

shouting, "I don't want no trouble. Please, please, I don't want no trouble."

Unfortunately, his mates got involved and started giving it the old,

"For God's sake, stop it! He's 67."

Do you feel you have the full support of the club?

Yeah, the club's been magnificent. In fact, I want to thank everyone at Ministry of Sound.

Do you think your case ended up in court because you're a celebrity?

Yeah, 100%. I was arrested cos I'm a footballer.

The whole thing's a joke, to be honest with you.

The bloke who took me to court wasn't even the one I proper battered.

Jason, are you embarrassed by the YouTube clip that's emerged of you with a girl in a hotel room?

Yeah, it's been extremely embarrassing, not just for me, but for my family to see that.

I can assure you, as I've assured them, I normally last a lot longer.

-What about the allegations that have followed? Did she agree to have sex with you?

-Yes, she did.

Erm, I can't remember if she asked all six of us.

-So, it was consensual sex, then?

-Absolutely not. Nothing dirty like that.

It was a straightforward spit roast.

Next week, the club organises a team bonding weekend for Jason and the squad.

-That's for sleeping with my missus, you

-BLEEP!

That's all on 110% Bent.

-CHEERING

-Jason Bent!

Who've we got in the house tonight, by the way? Have we got any...?

-Londoners, make some noise.

-CHEERING

Loads of Londoners! Have we got anyone from outside the UK? Give us a cheer.

-CHEERING

-Whereabouts are you from, my man?

-Chicago.

-Chicago.

Look at that, geezer. Yes, the American in the house. You let us know you're here.

-Yeah, you can't hold it in, even when you try to.

-It's coming out.

-Woo! Give us a woo!

-Woo!

-I love that. You've got to be a legend. You're hysterical about everything.

Woo!

"Our leader's black.

"Woo! Our leader is black. Woo!"

Ours was Brown. We don't bang on about it.

Who else have we got in the house tonight? My man, whereabouts are you from?

-Sydney.

-Sydney? Look at that! I know Sydney. Let's go to say hello to my Sydney man.

Yes. I love the different cultures and shit, you know what I mean?

Because that, in England, your hair is considered a disgrace.

So many of you have even got nicknames for each other, innit?

-You call us Poms, don't you?

-Poms, yeah.

-Yeah.

We call you...racists.

I love the Aussies, man.

I love all the foreigners. Hello, sweetheart.

-You look confused. You don't speak English.

-No.

-Whereabouts you from?

-Romania.

-Romania? Look at that. No wonder you're shaken up. Are you all right, sweetheart?

How long did it take you to come here from Romania?

-SHE SPEAKS ROMANIAN

-Just a few hours.

A few hours. Fucking hell. Just clinging on to that lorry. Welcome, welcome.

Grab some food. You've done well hiding in here. Clever.

Whereabouts are you from, babe? Heaven?

What the fuck are you looking at?

Look at you and these fucking guns here. Look at that.

Actually, he's just fat.

Let me see.

That is proper, innit? Give us a punch.

-Are you serious?

-Go on, stand up. I'm serious, I'm serious. Come on, everybody.

-ALL:

-Do it, do it, do it!

OK, now, just smack him right there.

Who else? Who else? We've got other foreign people over here.

The three at the front. Look at that.

-Whereabouts are you from?

-Germany.

-Germany?

I'm so happy, man. I thought you was a fucking miserable Londoner,

but he's actually a very happy German. Come here, dude.

Come here. Look at that, man. Oh, my gosh. Sorry to take the piss, geez, but...

you started it.

I can't believe I didn't spot you. Look at this man.

Do you see this man? He's straight. Look at him, look at him. Fucking...

He's fucking brilliant! Yes, he is from another fucking century.

Genius. Look at that. How was your day, geez, cleaning chimneys?

-Where are you from, geez, at the back?

-Zimbabwe.

-Zimbabwe. Whereabouts is that?

-Africa.

-Africa?

-Yeah.

Look at him. You are not African.

-I am.

-OK, and if you are, you are ill.

Oh, man.

Welcome, everyone, man, because in London, I think we welcome all the foreigners proper, you know?

There's only one day every year when we don't.

One day every year, we let all the frustrations out on the foreigners in London.

You know what I'm talking about, London, isn't it?

They close down all the roads in the centre of London and thousands

and thousands of people

chase after these five Kenyans.

And quite a few people in wheelchairs. It's horrible.

Listen, people, the UK has welcomed this next foreigner with open arms, and what a mistake that was.

-Go mental for Dr Bob!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, hello there, viewers.

Welcome to Hospital Life with me, Dr Bob.

Coming up on today's show...

'Will Mrs Maloney finally wake from her coma?'

MRS MALONEY!

'And I'll be performing my first ever laser eye surgery.'

That's all coming up on Hospital Life.

Fantastic.

Hospitals are often sad places to be, but there are some patients who can really brighten up the day.

Mr Thomas here has what's known in layman's terms as "man boobs",

or to give it its proper medical name, "moobs".

Hello, Mr Thomas. Can we see your tits?

Great!

Obviously it's a very distressing condition for Mr Thomas

and this afternoon he's having an operation to remove them.

So, for one last time, may I?

What a waste!

If you're elderly and living alone, perhaps you should consider killing yourself.

Welcome to our most popular part of the show, breaking bad news.

When breaking bad news, I find using humour

can really help a patient come to terms with things.

Let's give it a whirl, shall we?

Hello, Mrs Daniels. How're you doing today, dear?

-I'm all right. Just a bit nervous about...

-Good!

Mrs Daniels, why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side?

No, to pick up your medication. You've got MRSA.

Good chicken.

Well, unfortunately, that's all we've got time for, but not to worry.

Just like Mrs Daniels, I'll still be here next week with an insomniac special, so, till then, night night.

Right, who here likes old people? Yeah!

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Who here likes fun stuff?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Well, you're going to love this.

It's time for Old People Do Fun Stuff!

CHEERING

Old People Do Fun Stuff!

This week on Old People Do Fun Stuff it's Antonio.

Hello, Antonio.

What are you going to do for us on this week's Old People Do Fun Stuff?

I'm going to pop my eyeballs out of my head.

Fucking brilliant. Over to you.

DRUM ROLL

Yes!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Legend!

It's funny cos he's old.

Now, here's something to make anyone's eyes pop out.

It's my favourite show on the telly. It's Faliraki Nights!

Every year, thousands of young holidaymakers go to Faliraki for fun, sun, sea and a whole lot more.

Three-times rep of the year Chris Young gives these partygoers the holiday of their lives.

What's the secret of my success? You're about to find out.

This is Faliraki Nights.

I see my job starting

as soon as I pick up the group from the airport.

I get them on the coach and I explain how the week's going to work

and a little bit about what to expect.

Hello, everyone. My name is Chris. Welcome to Faliraki!

Let's get fucked up.

Fucking brilliant!

When we arrive, we'll go straight to dinner,

but I can see someone's eating theirs already!

Fucking suck it!

Let's get fucked!

I think it's so important as a rep to build up a good group spirit

and to get to know your group and to get them to know each other.

My name is Annie and I love sucking cock.

Who wants some breakfast?

I actually like to get the coach driver involved as well.

Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

Chris is amazing!

Best fucking rep ever!

People say to me, "Chris, why do you think you're such a good rep?"

Simple. It's the games I play.

Ten-Shot Challenge!

My favourite Chris game? It's got to be the Doggie game.

Let's play Doggie!

Come on, lads! Yeah, come on, fuck her! Fuck her! Yeah!

Oh, it's got to be the Pint Of Chunder.

Down that chunder!

Chunder, chunder, chunder, yeah!

The Ice Cream Surprise is the best. It's fucking ace!

You've just eaten some of my shit!

My favourite has got to be Fuck A Virgin.

They're going to fuck him!

What's my favourite game?

Gotta be the legend that is Chris Young's Race Against Time.

Get sucking!

Keep sucking! Yes!

-Suck it!

-ALL:

-Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!

BLOWS WHISTLE

Stop the cock! 3 minutes 28 seconds.

We have a winner!

Yes.

That, people, is all we've got time for. Oh, no!

Yeah, I've got to go and pick up my little boy from school.

He broke up last week.

There's just one more thing to come. It's my nan singing!

Come on down, Nan. Quality. Thank you for coming.

Thank you for watching.

Sweetheart, I'll see you by the bins. Yes.

Who're you going to be tonight, Nan?

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Dizzee Rascal.

-Quality!

Take it away, Nan.

# Bonkers... #

Yes! Everyone, up and giving it.

Yes, yes.

# I wake up every day it's a daydream

# Everythin' in my life ain't what it seems

# I wake up just to go back to sleep

# I act real shallow but I'm in too deep

# And all I care about is sex and violence

# A heavy bass line is my kind of silence

# Everybody says that I gotta get a grip

# But I let sanity give me the slip

# Some people think I'm bonkers

# But I just think I'm free

# Man, I'm just livin' my life

# There's nothin' crazy about me

# Some people pay for thrills

# But I get mine for free

# Man, I'm just livin' my life

# There's nothin' crazy about me. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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