Episode 1 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show


Episode 1

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I'm off to do my telly show, gonna be all right on your own?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah!

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Mwuh!

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Remember, if I ain't back before midnight, I've pulled! Legend! Later.

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This programme contains strong language.

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Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, quality!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes!

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Hello, you're fit, you're nice!

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Waistcoat - that has got to go, innit?

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Jacket legend over here in the glasses, loving it, loving it.

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Your jumper's ridiculous, innit?

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Loving that little goatee, yeah.

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She's nice, you're nice as well innit, yes!

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Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, I'm Lee Nelson.

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Yes! Joining me on my show tonight, he can't touch his toes,

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but he's in all of my shows, it's my best mate, Omelette.

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Yeah. My nan's gonna be belting out a club banger. Yeah.

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Hello, Nan. And I'll be trying to confirm if that man over there,

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is a virgin.

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It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Qualit-y!

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People, people, people, I am in the mood of my life,

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it's the second series!

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I have had such a fun day, I took my seven-year-old boy to the zoo.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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He loved it, he was so interested in all the animals,

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he was like, "How much do elephants weigh?

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"Can monkey's talk? What do lions eat for lunch?"

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I says, "I'm sorry I just don't know. It's thirty quid to get in, just enjoy the fucking leaflet."

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Hey, hands up if you is a dad, people?

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-Dad's hands up, yeah. Seriously you is a dad?

-Yeah.

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Oh, my gosh, youse has given hope to every ugly fucker in the world.

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You legend, my man, you legend.

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He done it and he looks like that? There is hope, oh, my God!

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-Thank you.

-Yes, yes, yes. What is the secret that is to your success?

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I'm thinking ketamine.

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Any other dads? Put your hands up, other dads.

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Yeah, loads of people, what about you, geezeer?

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Love you, look at his dad outfit, isn't that fucking brilliant?

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Look at that, stand up, yeah, look at that, yes.

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Come here, you legend, what's going on with you? How many kids you got?

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-Three.

-Three that's nice, er, you ever seen them?

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And what, and what's their names, geeze?

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She's hand in head! What's their names, go on, you tell us!

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Tell us, tell us!

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AUDIENCE: Tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us!

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-Laura.

-Laura, that's all right.

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-Laura.

-Laura again.

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Yeah.

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-And, and...

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got to stop you there.

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-You said her name's Laura.

-Yeah.

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And then the second kid is also called Laura.

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Correct.

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I'm sorry how little imagination does this man have?

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Laura and Laura, that's mental my man, innit? How old's Laura?

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Er, 28.

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No the other Laura, you idiot.

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Just got them, I didn't know which Laura, innit?

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Fucking clever.

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Was they planned and all that?

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-Er, yeah.

-Arh!

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Ver, ver, yeah. Someone meant to pull out!

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Innit, was it like that was it?

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I'll pull out, I'll pull out, I'll pull out, I'll pull out,

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and then you never cos it's all cosy in there, innit?

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I'd have done the same, my man.

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Mine was half planned, half an accident,

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like we was meant to have sex and that, but I never meant to come so quick.

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Cos every bloke thinks of something to last longer, innit?

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What about you, geezeer, you look like a nice geezeer, what do you think of?

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-Erm, Margaret Thatcher.

-Margaret Thatcher.

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Oh, my gosh, do you ever finish?

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Omelette, what do you think of when you're sleeping with a girl to make you last longer?

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How much it's gonna cost me!

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Yes, fat legend extraordinaire.

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I love my little boy so much, but he's a proper handful.

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He started looking at them naughty websites,

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and we's now got a password across the whole of the internet,

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and the little fucker won't tell us what it is.

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Who here's got kids who cause a bit of trouble?

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-Do your kids cause a bit of trouble? That's him over there.

-Yeah.

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That's it! I can see that, actually. So does he cause you any trouble?

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-Erm, yeah...Margaret Thatcher.

-Margaret Thatcher!

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-Now you know about that.

-'Scuse me!

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When he was in his room shouting "Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher," you thought he was doing history, innit?

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He was having one of them!

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Ah, yeah! Actually...

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But listen, right, what I'm thinking is, right,

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I want to find out who the best dad here is, geeze,

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and I'm thinking you could be quite a good dad. Is you quite a good dad, geezeer?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah, she's nudging, Laura's nudging, probably.

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Who else is a dad over here?

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-This man here, you legend, is you a proper good dad?

-Hope so.

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-Is you one of the best dads?

-Yeah.

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Oi, people, I wonder who the better dads is.

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Shall we find out?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

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Let's have a dad-off!

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Dad-off!

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Welcome to the WGD,

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Well Good Dad,

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world title fight!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's get ready to tumble!

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Yes!

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In the red corner, weighing in at 202lbs,

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it is Graham the glasses and goatee!

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And the full head of hair!

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Go!

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THEME FROM ROCKY PLAYS

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MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS

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In the blue corner,

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weighing a shit-load more...

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..it's David "two Lauras!"

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YMCA PLAYS

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MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS

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Right, dads,

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youse is competing for the WGD Well Good Dad world title belt,

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recently stripped from disgraced former Austrian champion,

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Josef Fritzl.

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Now, round one.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Nah, nah, nah, that is wrong.

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What you doing, geezeer?

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He has got quite nice tits, to be fair.

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Dads, here's the scenario.

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your kid's 11,

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and unfortunately he's managed to find

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your exceptionally large stash of porn mags.

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You'll have no choice but to give him the birds and the bees chat.

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The first dad to put the condom on the banana...

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..wins the round.

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CHEERING

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Seconds out!

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Oh, I forgot.

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You can only use your mouth!

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CHEERING

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Seconds out!

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He's started well.

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He's going for it.

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He's got the full thing!

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Yeah!

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My man, that was proper.

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That is a man who's been practicing!

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You, geezee, that is...

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-It's hard, innit?

-It's hard.

-It is hard,

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and you don't have someone shoving the back of you head down.

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This round goes to goatee glasses and a full head of hair!

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Round two!

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Your kid's hit puberty, and he's hating his newly sprouted chest hair.

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You've agreed that he can get his chest waxed, and as a good dad,

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to prove there's nothing to worry about, you get yours waxed first.

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CHEERING

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All right, now, the dad who gets his chest waxed

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and acts least like a pussy...

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..wins the round, OK? Or for a knockout blow

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and to win the belt,

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get your bum crack done.

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GASPING

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It's two nos, it's two nos. All right, get your shirts off, please, boys, shirts off. Here we go.

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Yes, yes, yes.

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Yeah, that's quite good, innit, geeze,

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off you go. There we go, the cardigan comes off.

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CHEERING

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-AUDIENCE:

-Off, off, off!

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CHEERING

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This is a nice cardigan, innit? Let me hang that up for you.

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Cardigan, you muppet!

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Here we go.

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We're warming up the wax, we're warming up the wax.

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Where's your family, over there?

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-There.

-She's right there, all like tense and that, innit?

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Who's with this fella?

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-Friends, yeah.

-Friends.

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-His wife's going to kill me.

-His wife's gonna kill you, innit?

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At the what? That you've been fucking him for two years?

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No! No!

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-No!

-"I didn't want her to find out that way!"

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Here we go. AUDIENCE GASPS

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Seconds out. BELL RINGS

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm OK. I'm OK.

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More!

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"More," he said.

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Not touching your pubes.

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That was good. You got to be honest that was good, innit?

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I'm a bit worried.

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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-Not too bad.

-Show some love.

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You've done really well,

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but I think you know in your hearts of hearts, don't you?

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That's a true fighter there. This round goes to...Two Lauras!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Final round.

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Now here we go. Your kid's getting married,

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the wedding is going great and your favourite tune comes on.

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You run onto the dance floor and get dad dancing.

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CHEERING

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I can do that.

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Seconds out. BELL RINGS

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# I like big butts and I cannot lie

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# You other brothers can't deny

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# When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

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# And a round thing in your face You get sprung... #

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That's good.

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Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

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Oh, yes!

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Some robots, body popping.

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MUSIC STOPS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Mate, that was some exceptionally shit dancing.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm going to put it to these people because it's such a close contest.

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Who has won the entire thing?

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FROM AUDIENCE: Two Lauras.

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Who here thinks Two Lauras should win it?

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Who here thinks the Goatee should win it?

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Mate, yous is good but I'm afraid yous is more like a mum than a dad.

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Go back to the women there. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentleman, the new WGD Well Good Champion of the World...

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Two Lauras!

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It's not going to fit, geez, don't even pretend.

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And you still got a bit of Johnny in your mouth.

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My man, yous the legend, do you fancy introducing what's coming up next?

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-Yes.

-Yeah! All you got to do is look down there and say, "Give it up for Jason Bent."

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Give it up for Jason Bent.

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Yeah!

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Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,

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and we've been given 110% access to his life.

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This is 110% Bent.

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It's the launch night of the clubs new in-house TV station,

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and they've asked Jason to take some calls from the fans.

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Hello, and welcome to Bent Night Live. Today, we have Jason.

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Thank you for coming on the show. It's a privilege to have you here.

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Now, I'm sure all the fans out there are breathing a huge sigh

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of relief that you've actually signed a new contract.

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Thanks a lot, that's great to hear. Erm, but they should know by now that contracts mean fuck all.

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Let's go straight to our phone lines. We've got Vernon on the line. Vernon, are you there?

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-What's your question for Jason?

-'Hello, Jason.'

-Hello, Vernon.

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'Now I know you and Deano have got a great partnership on the pitch,

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'but is it true that you don't talk to each other off the pitch?'

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You know what the papers are like, Vernon. Erm, they like to make a story out of nothing.

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There's absolutely no problem there, I think me and Deano get on great.

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Especially when you consider I've been fucking his wife for four seasons.

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Well, moving on. We saw during the summer, that, er...that you were

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heavily involved in the Kick Racism Out Of Football campaign.

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Is that something you're still involved in?

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Most definitely. Erm, we got to kick racism out of football,

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and into the stands where it belongs.

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We need to give racism the red card.

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Not the yellow card, that'll offend the Chinese community.

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We've had an e-mail here, it's from Nick. Now, Nick asks, "Jason, is it

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"true there have been clashes between the manager and the players

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"about the drinking culture at the club?"

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Yeah, the gaffer wanted us to stop drinking completely,

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erm, whereas, the lads thought it was OK to have one or two after a game.

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So we all sat down, had an open honest discussion

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and told them to fuck off.

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This one's from Mark in Cheshire. Now he asks,

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"What do you think of the fans that booed you in your last home game?"

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The fans have paid their money.

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You know, they're entitled to their opinion,

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I just have to keep reminding meself that the supporters here are a bunch

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of worthless pricks, who's entire life is based around 90 minutes on a Saturday.

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They can sit on my fat one.

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OK. Well, we've got Andy on the line.

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Thanks for holding, Andy. What's your question to Jason?

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ANDY MUMBLES IN LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT

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Erm, what do you reckon?

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Well, I think you're spot on.

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Probably still a couple of seasons on.

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That's it from us here at United TV.

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We'll see you back here next week, good night.

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When I say hello to you, you legend at the back, with the check shirt and all that.

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Yeah, you look like a nice man, a sensible man, innit?

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Did you vote? I bet you're the sort of geezer who voted? Did you vote?

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-Yeah.

-I knew it! He done a vote, innit, geez! Who'd you vote for?

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-Tories.

-AUDIENCE BOOS

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Hang on, hang on, who'd you vote for?

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The Tories.

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I'm talking about Britain's Got Talent.

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Listen, I think the only UK politician I respect was that Tony Blair fella.

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I quite liked him, I could relate to him. Apparently he was a druggie.

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Yes, they say he had a problem with Brown for ten years.

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Cos our politicians fucked up all the money in the country, innit?

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Oi, sweets, you obviously ain't been affected by the recession.

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You look a million dollars.

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Innit? That's how you end up getting sucked off.

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Oi, you got a nice outfit on, sweetheart.

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It would look even better on the floor of the disabled toilets.

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Easy, easy, you know what I mean?

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Then you have two on the go at once.

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You all right over here, sweetie pie?

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You look so nice as well. Is that a ladder in your tights?

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-No.

-Or a stairway to your minge?

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Oi, I'm lucky though now, cos I do a bit of the TV show stuff,

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I got a little bit of money, finally got a credit card.

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AUDIENCE: Wooh!

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Yes! With my name on it. CHEERING

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I bought myself a 3D TV that is incredible, man! 3D TV!

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I ain't watching porn on it again though, nearly took my eye out.

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Right, people, my show wouldn't be the same without this next man,

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make some noise for Doctor Bob! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Every second...

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of every minute...of every day...

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a new baby is born.

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Screaming is not going to make things better.

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Good!

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We put cameras into the wards of one of the busiest maternity hospitals

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-in the country.

-Shoot me the baby!

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Following Dr Bob

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and his team of midwives.

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I've lost my pen!

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It's a baby.

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Hello, nice to meet you both. I'm Dr Bob, but please...

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call me Dr Bob.

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Good! Let's have a little feel of your tum-tum shall we?

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-Good. Good.

-Er...

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Doctor, it's actually me who's pregnant.

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Ah! Silly me! It's just... you're so fat.

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Yes.

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Right. Well, everything seems to be going to plan.

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Is the father coming down for the birth?

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No, we're actually a couple.

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That's good, yes. Er... congratulations. Er...I certainly

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don't have the slightest of problem with the, er...rug munching set up.

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Good.

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Well, we even now.

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Your waters have broken all over me.

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In fact, you're one up - some of it's gone in my mouth.

0:23:260:23:31

-Arghhh!

-Keep pushing! Keep it up!

0:23:330:23:36

It's a tough one.

0:23:360:23:38

Arghhhhhh!

0:23:430:23:45

Hummm! Hummm! Hummmmm!

0:23:450:23:50

Push!

0:23:500:23:53

Congratulations, you're a mother. And you're...another woman.

0:23:590:24:06

Yes, you've done so well. Why don't you give her a nice hug?

0:24:080:24:11

Yes, give her a kiss, kiss her.

0:24:110:24:16

God.

0:24:160:24:17

Touch her boobies.

0:24:190:24:20

Hi! Water birth?

0:24:250:24:29

Let's do it.

0:24:290:24:31

Hello, Omelette. You know what it's time for?

0:24:400:24:43

-I'm not doing it.

-Yes, you are. It's your peer pressure challenge!

0:24:430:24:48

Omelette's peer pressure challenge.

0:24:500:24:53

Yes!

0:24:530:24:55

Omelette, on this wheel are three things and at the end of the show,

0:24:590:25:03

you has to do one of them.

0:25:030:25:05

Do you fancy...

0:25:050:25:08

drinking a pint of off milk?

0:25:080:25:12

No, not really.

0:25:140:25:16

Is you up for...

0:25:160:25:19

having your nipples pierced?

0:25:190:25:21

Course not.

0:25:230:25:25

How about...

0:25:250:25:27

eating some dog food out of a dog bowl with another dog?

0:25:270:25:31

No, definitely not.

0:25:330:25:35

Well, yous is gonna have to do one of them, mate,

0:25:350:25:38

cos it's Omelette's peer pressure challenge! Spin that wheel!

0:25:380:25:42

Yes!

0:25:510:25:52

Omelette, you gonna eat some dog food with another dog?

0:25:570:26:01

No, I'm not.

0:26:010:26:02

Well, we'll see about that, mate.

0:26:020:26:04

Everyone, let's pressure him into it.

0:26:040:26:07

ALL CHANT: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

0:26:070:26:13

You gonna do it now?

0:26:160:26:18

-Yeah, all right.

-Yeah!

0:26:180:26:20

Off you go and get ready, my man.

0:26:220:26:25

Oh, quality! Now it's time for my Aunty Janet's tips.

0:26:270:26:33

Why not spice things up

0:26:370:26:39

with your partner by using fruit-flavoured condoms?

0:26:390:26:42

You'll get more sex and you should get her five a day.

0:26:420:26:46

Yeah! I love my Aunty Janet!

0:26:490:26:52

That, people, is all we've got time for. Oh no!

0:26:520:26:55

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:26:550:26:58

But before we go, it's time to reveal this week's audience bell end.

0:26:580:27:03

Ah, brilliant.

0:27:220:27:24

Proper bell end.

0:27:240:27:26

Well, there's just one more thing to come...it's my nan singing!

0:27:280:27:32

Come on down, Nan.

0:27:340:27:37

Thank you for watching.

0:27:370:27:39

Thank you for coming.

0:27:390:27:41

Come on, Nan.

0:27:430:27:44

What you gonna be singing for us tonight, Nan?

0:27:460:27:49

Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Tinie Tempah,

0:27:490:27:51

-and I'm collaborating with Swedish House Mafia.

-Yeah!

0:27:510:27:54

Take it away, Nan.

0:27:570:28:00

Yeah!

0:28:010:28:04

# I got a black BM I got my white TT

0:28:040:28:09

# Wanna see what is in my CK briefs?

0:28:090:28:12

# I tell her wear suspenders and some PVC

0:28:120:28:16

# And then I'll film it all up on my JVC

0:28:160:28:19

# Scene one

0:28:190:28:21

# Everybody get in your positions

0:28:210:28:23

# Pay attention and listen

0:28:230:28:27

# We're tryin' to get this all in one take

0:28:270:28:30

# So let's try and make it happen

0:28:300:28:33

# Action! #

0:28:330:28:35

Dad dance! Give it again! Give it again!

0:28:420:28:45

More of that!

0:28:450:28:46

What an idiot, innit?

0:28:480:28:50

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:500:28:52

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:520:28:54

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