Episode 1 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

I'm off to do my telly show, gonna be all right on your own?

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

Mwuh!

Remember, if I ain't back before midnight, I've pulled! Legend! Later.

This programme contains strong language.

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, quality!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Hello, you're fit, you're nice!

Waistcoat - that has got to go, innit?

Jacket legend over here in the glasses, loving it, loving it.

Your jumper's ridiculous, innit?

Loving that little goatee, yeah.

She's nice, you're nice as well innit, yes!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, I'm Lee Nelson.

Yes! Joining me on my show tonight, he can't touch his toes,

but he's in all of my shows, it's my best mate, Omelette.

Yeah. My nan's gonna be belting out a club banger. Yeah.

Hello, Nan. And I'll be trying to confirm if that man over there,

is a virgin.

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Qualit-y!

People, people, people, I am in the mood of my life,

it's the second series!

I have had such a fun day, I took my seven-year-old boy to the zoo.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

He loved it, he was so interested in all the animals,

he was like, "How much do elephants weigh?

"Can monkey's talk? What do lions eat for lunch?"

I says, "I'm sorry I just don't know. It's thirty quid to get in, just enjoy the fucking leaflet."

Hey, hands up if you is a dad, people?

-Dad's hands up, yeah. Seriously you is a dad?

-Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, youse has given hope to every ugly fucker in the world.

You legend, my man, you legend.

He done it and he looks like that? There is hope, oh, my God!

-Thank you.

-Yes, yes, yes. What is the secret that is to your success?

I'm thinking ketamine.

Any other dads? Put your hands up, other dads.

Yeah, loads of people, what about you, geezeer?

Love you, look at his dad outfit, isn't that fucking brilliant?

Look at that, stand up, yeah, look at that, yes.

Come here, you legend, what's going on with you? How many kids you got?

-Three.

-Three that's nice, er, you ever seen them?

And what, and what's their names, geeze?

She's hand in head! What's their names, go on, you tell us!

Tell us, tell us!

AUDIENCE: Tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us!

-Laura.

-Laura, that's all right.

-Laura.

-Laura again.

Yeah.

-And, and...

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got to stop you there.

-You said her name's Laura.

-Yeah.

And then the second kid is also called Laura.

Correct.

I'm sorry how little imagination does this man have?

Laura and Laura, that's mental my man, innit? How old's Laura?

Er, 28.

No the other Laura, you idiot.

Just got them, I didn't know which Laura, innit?

Fucking clever.

Was they planned and all that?

-Er, yeah.

-Arh!

Ver, ver, yeah. Someone meant to pull out!

Innit, was it like that was it?

I'll pull out, I'll pull out, I'll pull out, I'll pull out,

and then you never cos it's all cosy in there, innit?

I'd have done the same, my man.

Mine was half planned, half an accident,

like we was meant to have sex and that, but I never meant to come so quick.

Cos every bloke thinks of something to last longer, innit?

What about you, geezeer, you look like a nice geezeer, what do you think of?

-Erm, Margaret Thatcher.

-Margaret Thatcher.

Oh, my gosh, do you ever finish?

Omelette, what do you think of when you're sleeping with a girl to make you last longer?

How much it's gonna cost me!

Yes, fat legend extraordinaire.

I love my little boy so much, but he's a proper handful.

He started looking at them naughty websites,

and we's now got a password across the whole of the internet,

and the little fucker won't tell us what it is.

Who here's got kids who cause a bit of trouble?

-Do your kids cause a bit of trouble? That's him over there.

-Yeah.

That's it! I can see that, actually. So does he cause you any trouble?

-Erm, yeah...Margaret Thatcher.

-Margaret Thatcher!

-Now you know about that.

-'Scuse me!

When he was in his room shouting "Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher," you thought he was doing history, innit?

He was having one of them!

Ah, yeah! Actually...

But listen, right, what I'm thinking is, right,

I want to find out who the best dad here is, geeze,

and I'm thinking you could be quite a good dad. Is you quite a good dad, geezeer?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, she's nudging, Laura's nudging, probably.

Who else is a dad over here?

-This man here, you legend, is you a proper good dad?

-Hope so.

-Is you one of the best dads?

-Yeah.

Oi, people, I wonder who the better dads is.

Shall we find out?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Let's have a dad-off!

Dad-off!

Welcome to the WGD,

Well Good Dad,

world title fight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's get ready to tumble!

Yes!

In the red corner, weighing in at 202lbs,

it is Graham the glasses and goatee!

And the full head of hair!

Go!

THEME FROM ROCKY PLAYS

MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS

In the blue corner,

weighing a shit-load more...

..it's David "two Lauras!"

YMCA PLAYS

MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS

Right, dads,

youse is competing for the WGD Well Good Dad world title belt,

recently stripped from disgraced former Austrian champion,

Josef Fritzl.

Now, round one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nah, nah, nah, that is wrong.

What you doing, geezeer?

He has got quite nice tits, to be fair.

Dads, here's the scenario.

your kid's 11,

and unfortunately he's managed to find

your exceptionally large stash of porn mags.

You'll have no choice but to give him the birds and the bees chat.

The first dad to put the condom on the banana...

..wins the round.

CHEERING

Seconds out!

Oh, I forgot.

You can only use your mouth!

CHEERING

Seconds out!

He's started well.

He's going for it.

He's got the full thing!

Yeah!

My man, that was proper.

That is a man who's been practicing!

You, geezee, that is...

-It's hard, innit?

-It's hard.

-It is hard,

and you don't have someone shoving the back of you head down.

This round goes to goatee glasses and a full head of hair!

Round two!

Your kid's hit puberty, and he's hating his newly sprouted chest hair.

You've agreed that he can get his chest waxed, and as a good dad,

to prove there's nothing to worry about, you get yours waxed first.

CHEERING

All right, now, the dad who gets his chest waxed

and acts least like a pussy...

..wins the round, OK? Or for a knockout blow

and to win the belt,

get your bum crack done.

GASPING

It's two nos, it's two nos. All right, get your shirts off, please, boys, shirts off. Here we go.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, that's quite good, innit, geeze,

off you go. There we go, the cardigan comes off.

CHEERING

-AUDIENCE:

-Off, off, off!

CHEERING

This is a nice cardigan, innit? Let me hang that up for you.

Cardigan, you muppet!

Here we go.

We're warming up the wax, we're warming up the wax.

Where's your family, over there?

-There.

-She's right there, all like tense and that, innit?

Who's with this fella?

-Friends, yeah.

-Friends.

-His wife's going to kill me.

-His wife's gonna kill you, innit?

At the what? That you've been fucking him for two years?

No! No!

-No!

-"I didn't want her to find out that way!"

Here we go. AUDIENCE GASPS

Seconds out. BELL RINGS

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm OK. I'm OK.

More!

"More," he said.

Not touching your pubes.

That was good. You got to be honest that was good, innit?

I'm a bit worried.

AUDIENCE GASPS

-Not too bad.

-Show some love.

You've done really well,

but I think you know in your hearts of hearts, don't you?

That's a true fighter there. This round goes to...Two Lauras!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Final round.

Now here we go. Your kid's getting married,

the wedding is going great and your favourite tune comes on.

You run onto the dance floor and get dad dancing.

CHEERING

I can do that.

Seconds out. BELL RINGS

# I like big butts and I cannot lie

# You other brothers can't deny

# When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

# And a round thing in your face You get sprung... #

That's good.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

Some robots, body popping.

MUSIC STOPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mate, that was some exceptionally shit dancing.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to put it to these people because it's such a close contest.

Who has won the entire thing?

FROM AUDIENCE: Two Lauras.

Who here thinks Two Lauras should win it?

Who here thinks the Goatee should win it?

Mate, yous is good but I'm afraid yous is more like a mum than a dad.

Go back to the women there. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentleman, the new WGD Well Good Champion of the World...

Two Lauras!

It's not going to fit, geez, don't even pretend.

And you still got a bit of Johnny in your mouth.

My man, yous the legend, do you fancy introducing what's coming up next?

-Yes.

-Yeah! All you got to do is look down there and say, "Give it up for Jason Bent."

Give it up for Jason Bent.

Yeah!

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is 110% Bent.

It's the launch night of the clubs new in-house TV station,

and they've asked Jason to take some calls from the fans.

Hello, and welcome to Bent Night Live. Today, we have Jason.

Thank you for coming on the show. It's a privilege to have you here.

Now, I'm sure all the fans out there are breathing a huge sigh

of relief that you've actually signed a new contract.

Thanks a lot, that's great to hear. Erm, but they should know by now that contracts mean fuck all.

Let's go straight to our phone lines. We've got Vernon on the line. Vernon, are you there?

-What's your question for Jason?

-'Hello, Jason.'

-Hello, Vernon.

'Now I know you and Deano have got a great partnership on the pitch,

'but is it true that you don't talk to each other off the pitch?'

You know what the papers are like, Vernon. Erm, they like to make a story out of nothing.

There's absolutely no problem there, I think me and Deano get on great.

Especially when you consider I've been fucking his wife for four seasons.

Well, moving on. We saw during the summer, that, er...that you were

heavily involved in the Kick Racism Out Of Football campaign.

Is that something you're still involved in?

Most definitely. Erm, we got to kick racism out of football,

and into the stands where it belongs.

We need to give racism the red card.

Not the yellow card, that'll offend the Chinese community.

We've had an e-mail here, it's from Nick. Now, Nick asks, "Jason, is it

"true there have been clashes between the manager and the players

"about the drinking culture at the club?"

Yeah, the gaffer wanted us to stop drinking completely,

erm, whereas, the lads thought it was OK to have one or two after a game.

So we all sat down, had an open honest discussion

and told them to fuck off.

This one's from Mark in Cheshire. Now he asks,

"What do you think of the fans that booed you in your last home game?"

The fans have paid their money.

You know, they're entitled to their opinion,

I just have to keep reminding meself that the supporters here are a bunch

of worthless pricks, who's entire life is based around 90 minutes on a Saturday.

They can sit on my fat one.

OK. Well, we've got Andy on the line.

Thanks for holding, Andy. What's your question to Jason?

ANDY MUMBLES IN LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT

Erm, what do you reckon?

Well, I think you're spot on.

Probably still a couple of seasons on.

That's it from us here at United TV.

We'll see you back here next week, good night.

When I say hello to you, you legend at the back, with the check shirt and all that.

Yeah, you look like a nice man, a sensible man, innit?

Did you vote? I bet you're the sort of geezer who voted? Did you vote?

-Yeah.

-I knew it! He done a vote, innit, geez! Who'd you vote for?

-Tories.

-AUDIENCE BOOS

Hang on, hang on, who'd you vote for?

The Tories.

I'm talking about Britain's Got Talent.

Listen, I think the only UK politician I respect was that Tony Blair fella.

I quite liked him, I could relate to him. Apparently he was a druggie.

Yes, they say he had a problem with Brown for ten years.

Cos our politicians fucked up all the money in the country, innit?

Oi, sweets, you obviously ain't been affected by the recession.

You look a million dollars.

Innit? That's how you end up getting sucked off.

Oi, you got a nice outfit on, sweetheart.

It would look even better on the floor of the disabled toilets.

Easy, easy, you know what I mean?

Then you have two on the go at once.

You all right over here, sweetie pie?

You look so nice as well. Is that a ladder in your tights?

-No.

-Or a stairway to your minge?

Oi, I'm lucky though now, cos I do a bit of the TV show stuff,

I got a little bit of money, finally got a credit card.

AUDIENCE: Wooh!

Yes! With my name on it. CHEERING

I bought myself a 3D TV that is incredible, man! 3D TV!

I ain't watching porn on it again though, nearly took my eye out.

Right, people, my show wouldn't be the same without this next man,

make some noise for Doctor Bob! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Every second...

of every minute...of every day...

a new baby is born.

Screaming is not going to make things better.

Good!

We put cameras into the wards of one of the busiest maternity hospitals

-in the country.

-Shoot me the baby!

Following Dr Bob

and his team of midwives.

I've lost my pen!

It's a baby.

Hello, nice to meet you both. I'm Dr Bob, but please...

call me Dr Bob.

Good! Let's have a little feel of your tum-tum shall we?

-Good. Good.

-Er...

Doctor, it's actually me who's pregnant.

Ah! Silly me! It's just... you're so fat.

Yes.

Right. Well, everything seems to be going to plan.

Is the father coming down for the birth?

No, we're actually a couple.

That's good, yes. Er... congratulations. Er...I certainly

don't have the slightest of problem with the, er...rug munching set up.

Good.

Well, we even now.

Your waters have broken all over me.

In fact, you're one up - some of it's gone in my mouth.

-Arghhh!

-Keep pushing! Keep it up!

It's a tough one.

Arghhhhhh!

Hummm! Hummm! Hummmmm!

Push!

Congratulations, you're a mother. And you're...another woman.

Yes, you've done so well. Why don't you give her a nice hug?

Yes, give her a kiss, kiss her.

God.

Touch her boobies.

Hi! Water birth?

Let's do it.

Hello, Omelette. You know what it's time for?

-I'm not doing it.

-Yes, you are. It's your peer pressure challenge!

Omelette's peer pressure challenge.

Yes!

Omelette, on this wheel are three things and at the end of the show,

you has to do one of them.

Do you fancy...

drinking a pint of off milk?

No, not really.

Is you up for...

having your nipples pierced?

Course not.

How about...

eating some dog food out of a dog bowl with another dog?

No, definitely not.

Well, yous is gonna have to do one of them, mate,

cos it's Omelette's peer pressure challenge! Spin that wheel!

Yes!

Omelette, you gonna eat some dog food with another dog?

No, I'm not.

Well, we'll see about that, mate.

Everyone, let's pressure him into it.

ALL CHANT: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

You gonna do it now?

-Yeah, all right.

-Yeah!

Off you go and get ready, my man.

Oh, quality! Now it's time for my Aunty Janet's tips.

Why not spice things up

with your partner by using fruit-flavoured condoms?

You'll get more sex and you should get her five a day.

Yeah! I love my Aunty Janet!

That, people, is all we've got time for. Oh no!

AUDIENCE GROANS

But before we go, it's time to reveal this week's audience bell end.

Ah, brilliant.

Proper bell end.

Well, there's just one more thing to come...it's my nan singing!

Come on down, Nan.

Thank you for watching.

Thank you for coming.

Come on, Nan.

What you gonna be singing for us tonight, Nan?

Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Tinie Tempah,

-and I'm collaborating with Swedish House Mafia.

-Yeah!

Take it away, Nan.

Yeah!

# I got a black BM I got my white TT

# Wanna see what is in my CK briefs?

# I tell her wear suspenders and some PVC

# And then I'll film it all up on my JVC

# Scene one

# Everybody get in your positions

# Pay attention and listen

# We're tryin' to get this all in one take

# So let's try and make it happen

# Action! #

Dad dance! Give it again! Give it again!

More of that!

What an idiot, innit?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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