Episode 2 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show


Episode 2

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I'm off to do my telly show. Will you be all right on your own?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah!

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Make sure you get an early night.

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You got school to bunk in the morning. Later!

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This programme contains strong language.

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This programme contains adult humour.

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Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes!

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Love your hat. Love you, sweetheart. You're very nice.

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You legend. Hello, yes! Spread the love, spread the love.

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Spread the love.

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Spread the love up there. Yeah, yeah, you're magic. She's nice.

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She's nice, too. You legend.

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Yes!

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Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

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I'm Lee Nelson!

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Yes, joining me on my show tonight, he's so fat he's got tits.

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I love him to bits, it's my best mate Omelette!

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Yeah! My nan's going to be singing some hip hop!

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Hello, Nan.

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And I'll be hoping that girl over there

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is up for doing pretty much anything.

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It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

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People, I am in the mood of my life,

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let me tell you that for nothing, I is going to be an uncle.

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Yeah, it's amazing! My sister's pregnant.

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She could not believe it. She was like, "O-M-G!

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"How did that happen? I don't understand.

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"My fella was definitely wearing a johnny."

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I had to explain to her that don't matter

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cos none of the other fellas was.

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Oh, 15-year-olds, eh?

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Don't get me wrong, people, I love my sister.

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Not as much as I love my stepsister. Hm, hm, hm, hm.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, I banged her the one time.

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A little bit uncomfortable the next day.

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But that's crabs, isn't it?

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Oh, my gosh. I love my family so much, people.

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I'm like a family man. People don't realise that about me.

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I've started looking for my family tree

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which is the most proper interesting thing ever.

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You know I is Lee Nelson, yeah?

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My great, great, great, great, great, great granddad

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is Admiral Nelson. Yes.

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That is a buzz and a half, people,

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knowing my family, like, invented multi-car insurance.

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Has anyone here looked into their family tree?

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Hands up if you have.

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-What about you, geezer, have you looked into it?

-Er, no.

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Do it! Do you know what I mean? For all you know you,

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you could have a dad.

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I found out my great, great, great, great grandma had 11 kids.

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Is that not mental? 11 kids - that don't happen nowadays.

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I wanted to know why and I looked into it, I done research.

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I found out the reason was apparently,

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she was a massive slag.

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Geezer over here in the... In the little...

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Erm, the ridiculous hat.

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LAUGHTER

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-Have you looked into your family tree?

-No.

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We should help this man out cos I know all about family trees and that

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cos I done so much research into it.

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-What's your name?

-Louis.

-Louis?

-Yeah.

-No, the surname.

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The first name just tells me your parents were bellends.

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-What's your surname, Louis?

-Turner.

-Louis Turner?

-Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you realise your family is Lords?

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-No.

-Yes.

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Gaylords.

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My family is a little bit, sort of messed up, you know,

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cos my old man left my mum for her sister.

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She tells the story of what happened.

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My mum and dad was at it in bed together, all right?

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My old man used to shout my mum's name

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and my mum's name is Sally,

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and my mum's sister's name is Molly.

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And that night, my old man, he's in bed with my mum

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and instead of shouting, "Oh, Sally!"

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The idiot shouts, "Oh!

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"I'm fucking your sister."

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-Sweetie pie, is your parents still together and that?

-No.

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No? Oh, my gosh, let me comfort you.

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That's so terrible to hear.

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You've got to get over it.

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Who's this geezer over here? He's your dad?

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-That's your other daughter, there?

-Yeah.

-Jesus Christ.

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Your missus must have been fucking fit.

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-Not bad.

-Cos they're both well nice,

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and you're, with all due respect, fucking ugly.

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Sweetie pie, have you done nothing looking into your family tree

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or nothing like that?

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-Not really.

-We should do it together, babe.

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Start a new branch.

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And we'd, like, find out that your great, great, great, great uncle

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was a farmer cos you is well good at raising cocks.

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And that your great, great, great, great, great, great granddad

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was Colonel Sanders cos you is finger licking good.

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And I want to touch her family bucket.

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I've got to be honest - it's a bit awkward with you here.

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I think family's well important, man.

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Who, here, is in tonight with their families?

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Anyone, people? You, over here.

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So, what's you, sweetheart? Who's...? Is you...?

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That the mum over there?

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You're with your family. That's the mum over there.

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Do you reckon you know each other quite well? A lot of head nodding.

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Shall we find out just how well these people know each other?

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AUDIENCE: Yeah!

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Let's play How Well Do U Know Ur Family?

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# How Well Do U Know Ur Family? #

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Yes!

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How Well Do U Know Ur Family? involves finding out

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how well you know your family.

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So, if you two can come with me over here,

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and stand behind your How Well Do U Know Ur Family? podiums.

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You, sweetheart, over here, nearer me.

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You, fella, over there, you legend.

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So, question one.

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If your mums had to change one thing about themselves,

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what would they change?

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All right?

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Omelette, if you had to change one thing about yourself, what would you change?

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I'd say my pants.

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Sweetie pie, what do you think your mum

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would most like to change about herself?

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Hold it up.

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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Now, your mum would actually like to change...

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..her boobs.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm afraid you don't know your mum that well.

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Let's see about the Moulton family.

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Fella, what do you think

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your mum would most like to change about herself?

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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Oh, this is a family splitter.

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He thought the thing you'd most like to change about yourself

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is your weight.

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Mum, you would actually change your...

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Lipo on the stomach!

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Yes! You legend.

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It was good, wasn't it?

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You knew your mum thinks she's well fat.

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That's brilliant, that is. Well done.

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Yous got a point. Well done, the Moultons.

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Question number two.

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Where's the most mental place

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you think your mums has ever had sex?

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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Right, here we go.

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My man, what is the most mental place you think your mum has ever had sex?

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Hold it up.

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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She done it with your dad.

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Over and over and over.

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Your son thought you've never had sex in your life.

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Sweetheart, what is the most mental place you've ever had sex?

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On the beach.

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APPLAUSE

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Dirty, dirty girl.

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Sweetie pie,

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where do you think the most mental place

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that your mum has ever had sex? What you got?

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Wherever I was conceived cos that's the only time she's had sex.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Ah, you could not be more wrong about your mum.

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-I don't want to show it.

-You don't want to show it.

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That's the point of the game - it's humiliating.

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Sweetheart, your daughter thought you've only ever had sex once.

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Tell us what is the most mental place you've ever had sex.

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Hold up your card.

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Oooh!

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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Yes!

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Oh, yes. In a Ferrari.

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That is... I bet you the gear stick's never smelt the same since.

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That's brilliant. Tell us a little bit more about that.

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AUDIENCE: Tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us.

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-Who was it? Go on.

-It wasn't my husband.

-It wasn't your husband?

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GASPING

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This is brilliant. It's Lee Kyle show.

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People, the scores - it's one-nil to the Moultons.

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The Alexanders, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.

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Let's show some love for the Alexanders,

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whose family don't know each other brilliantly.

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You two is through to the final. The Moulton's!

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Yes!

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It is the Conveyor Belt Round.

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All you've got to do is remember as many items as possible.

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Let's start the belt!

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CHEERING

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Right, a portrait of my great, great, great, great granddad.

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My little sister's positive pregnancy test.

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Omelette's diabetes medication.

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An eighth.

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Omelette's girlfriend.

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Some amateur porn.

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Oh, I'll have that, actually.

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Yes, innit.

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My Auntie Janet.

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An emergency wallet johnny,

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belonging to my Auntie Janet.

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Omelette's dinner.

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LAUGHTER

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And finally, a cuddly fat legend.

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Yeah!

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Moulton family,

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you've got 20 seconds to remember as many items as you can.

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Off you go.

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-Condom, pregnancy test.

-Condom, the pregnancy test.

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-Diabetes pills.

-Diabetes pills, yes.

-Portrait of your uncle.

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-Auntie Janet.

-Auntie Janet, yes!

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-Omelette's dinner four times.

-What about Omelette himself?

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-The cuddle fat legend.

-The porno!

-The porno, yes, yes, yes.

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KLAXON BLARES

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Yes, yes, yes!

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Oh, Moultons, congratulations. You have won tonight's star prize.

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It is massive.

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It is your very own Moulton family tree!

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-Oh, there it is, man. Have you got a garden?

-No.

-No.

-Oh, my...

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That's going to look a little bit shit in your kitchen.

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People, let's give it up for the Moulton family. Yes!

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You've done proper brilliant.

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Oh, you legends!

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It's time now for our weekly hit of Jason Bent!

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MUSIC: "Yeah!" by Usher

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Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents

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and we've been given 110% access to his life.

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This is 110% Bent.

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It's an incredibly proud day for Jason.

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He's been formally announced as the new England captain

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and is about to face the world's media.

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The Mirror. Jason, congratulations.

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What went through your mind when you heard you were getting the arm band?

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I just thought, "Fantastic."

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Erm, I'm not a very strong swimmer.

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Sky Sports News.

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Jason, there were a number of players in contention for the captaincy.

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Have they been supportive since the manager made his decision?

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Yeah. I think everyone realises it doesn't matter who the captain is,

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we're still a very shit team.

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The Times.

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Jason, just how much of a blow to the team's confidence

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was the disastrous World Cup campaign in South Africa?

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I don't think it was a big blow.

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I mean, pretty early on in the tournament,

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we realised we weren't going to win it,

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so we decided to just have a 24-day holiday.

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I hope it's some consolation to the supporters

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who took time off work and spent thousands following us

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and were left absolutely gutted,

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that we had a fucking great time out there.

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I think we trained once.

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The Guardian. Jason, despite the recent lack of success,

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it must be a real boost to the squad

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that England fans still seem to be fully behind the team.

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The Tonga friendly's already sold out.

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Yeah, I mean, to sell out Wembley for a friendly against Tonga.

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You know, the England supporters never fail to amaze me.

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What a bunch of fucking morons they are,

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to shell out 50 quid for a meaningless friendly

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against one of the shitest teams in the world.

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I think they need to take a long, hard look at themselves

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and get a fucking life.

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Oh, people, people, people, I'll be honest with you,

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my head's a little bit mashed up at this moment.

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I just got back from my mate's stag.

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Yes!

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Proper mental. Ten of us, mountain biking in Iceland.

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Oh, yeah!

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It wasn't the cleverest idea, I'll be honest with you -

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after about ten minutes, we all got booted out the shop.

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We all live on the estate together.

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You get all different types, all living together,

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all getting on and that's what I like about it.

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We got, like, the Muslim boys on the estate.

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We've got the Muslim crew in the house tonight. Give us a cheer.

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Yeah, loads of you. That's so good.

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I always try and go clubbing with the Muslim boys.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't drink a drop.

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I can get a lift there and back.

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Because every culture has got a different attitude

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towards alcohol, innit.

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The Mexicans... Oh, my gosh, their attitude to alcohol.

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They're psychos with their alcohol.

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Do you know the Mexicans, they take the beer

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and then they put it in the bottle,

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and then they put a bit of lime in.

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So, when they bottle someone, it stings that little bit extra.

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Psychos.

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We got any foreign people in the house tonight?

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Foreign people, hands up. Let's show some love for the foreign people.

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-Where's about are you from, sweetheart?

-Australia.

-Welcome, baby.

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What's it like out there?

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All the beaches and the hot weather and the barbeques and that.

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Do you miss it a little bit?

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-Yeah, I miss it.

-Yeah, probably about time you fucked off home.

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I'm only ripping it, do you know what I mean?

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We'll have a drink in the bar afterwards?

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Do you promise you'll serve me first?

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I love the estate, it's all different people from all different places.

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It's the best, you know.

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We've even got a gay fella on the estate -

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really nice guy, you know. Like, proper nice fella, decent guy.

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You know how with some people, you can't tell if they're gay or not,

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he's got gay written all over him.

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And his car.

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I think that's out of order. He's a good fella, a good man.

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What's his name?

0:20:540:20:56

Louis Turner.

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Do you remember, people was giving you stick?

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And you come up to me and you said,

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"Can I walk with you?"

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and I was like, "Of course, just take that fucking hat off."

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We was walking along and these idiots on the balcony,

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shouting down, "Oh, backs against the walls."

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"Louis Turner's about!"

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And I stuck up for you, innit? I went mental at them.

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I was like, "Backs against the walls?

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"You ignorant, fucking idiots!

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"Do you not realise he could still suck you off?"

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Oi, enough from me, now it's time for Life Begins With Dr Bob!

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Every second,

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of every minute,

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of every day,

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a new baby is born.

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Stop screaming. It's not going to make things better.

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We put cameras into the wards

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of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country...

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Show me the baby!

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Help! Shit.

0:22:280:22:29

..following Dr Bob and his team of midwives.

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I've lost my pen.

0:22:330:22:35

It's a baby.

0:22:350:22:37

Life Begins With Dr Bob.

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Yeah, well, if you're booked in...

0:22:460:22:49

SHE SCREAMS

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SHE SCREAMS

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SCREAMING

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Teenage pregnancy is definitely becoming

0:23:040:23:07

more and more commonplace in this area.

0:23:070:23:09

When these young girls come into hospital,

0:23:090:23:12

it's very scary for them,

0:23:120:23:15

so, I make sure they see me less as a doctor

0:23:150:23:18

and more as friend, by using language they can relate to.

0:23:180:23:22

Hello, you bitch!

0:23:240:23:26

I'm Dr fucking Bob, innit.

0:23:280:23:30

We need to get this fucking baby out of you,

0:23:320:23:34

so the first thing I'd like to do is check out your snatch. Simples.

0:23:340:23:38

Wassup?

0:23:400:23:43

Where's your family?

0:23:430:23:45

Your mum and this fucking baby's dad not checking this out?

0:23:450:23:48

They're on their way.

0:23:480:23:50

O-M-G, this one is really bitching you out.

0:23:500:23:53

Take a toke on this, it's the dogs bollocks.

0:23:530:23:56

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

0:23:590:24:01

Go easy. You'll start to feel sick, you crazy bitch.

0:24:010:24:05

Hey, classy!

0:24:100:24:13

Push, keep pushing!

0:24:160:24:19

-Oh, it hurts so much.

-Squeeze my hand.

0:24:190:24:22

SHE SCREAMS AND BONE CRACKS

0:24:220:24:24

HE SCREAMS

0:24:240:24:28

The baby! Yes. Are you the father?

0:24:350:24:38

-Yeah.

-Yes, are you sure?

0:24:380:24:41

-Yeah.

-Reconsider time!

0:24:410:24:44

BABY CRIES

0:24:440:24:47

Well, dear, because your baby was born

0:24:500:24:52

a little early, we're going to put him in an incubator.

0:24:520:24:56

He'll be a lot better off in there and to be on the safe side,

0:24:560:25:00

I'll take out my chickens.

0:25:000:25:01

Good chickens.

0:25:030:25:05

Hello, Omelette. Do you know what it's time for?

0:25:120:25:14

-I don't want to do it.

-Well, I do. It's your Peer Pressure Challenge!

0:25:140:25:20

# Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge! #

0:25:220:25:25

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:250:25:29

Omelette, on this wheel is three things

0:25:290:25:32

and at the end of the show, you have to do one of them.

0:25:320:25:37

Do you fancy -

0:25:370:25:39

having an ice bath?

0:25:390:25:42

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

0:25:420:25:44

No, I don't.

0:25:440:25:46

Is you up for snogging my Auntie Janet?

0:25:460:25:51

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:25:510:25:53

No, I'm really not, absolutely.

0:25:540:25:57

How's about eating the hottest chilli known to man?

0:25:570:26:03

CHEERING

0:26:030:26:06

No, thanks.

0:26:060:26:08

Well, you'll have to do one of them, my man,

0:26:080:26:11

cos it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

0:26:110:26:13

Spin that wheel!

0:26:130:26:15

Yes!

0:26:230:26:25

Omelette, is you going to snog my Auntie Janet with tongues?

0:26:360:26:39

CHEERING

0:26:390:26:41

-No, I'm absolutely not.

-Well, we will see about that.

0:26:410:26:45

Everyone, let's pressure him into it!

0:26:450:26:48

AUDIENCE: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

0:26:480:26:52

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

0:26:520:26:57

You going to do it now?

0:26:590:27:01

Yeah, all right.

0:27:010:27:03

Yes!

0:27:030:27:06

We've peer pressured him into it!

0:27:060:27:09

Oh! Off you go and brush your teeth, my man.

0:27:090:27:12

It's time, now, to reveal this week's Audience Bellend.

0:27:120:27:16

CHEERING

0:27:300:27:33

Legend.

0:27:360:27:38

Oh, brilliant, what a bellend.

0:27:400:27:43

There's just one more thing to come.

0:27:430:27:47

It's my nan singing! Come on down, Nan!

0:27:470:27:51

Thank you for watching. Thank you for coming. Hello, Nan.

0:27:510:27:56

Nan, who is you going to be for us tonight?

0:27:570:28:01

I'm going to be Cypress Hill, I'm Going Insane In The Membrane.

0:28:010:28:05

Yes! Take it away, Nan!

0:28:050:28:09

MUSIC: "Insane In The Brain" by Cypress Hill

0:28:090:28:13

# Don't make me we wreck, hectic Next to the chair

0:28:130:28:16

# Get on going ... Electric

0:28:160:28:19

# Oh, the lights are building

0:28:190:28:20

# And I'm thinking It's all over when I go drinking

0:28:200:28:23

# Making up my mind slow

0:28:230:28:26

# That's why I fuck...

0:28:260:28:29

# Like me, I'm going insane... #

0:28:290:28:31

Oh, my gosh!

0:28:310:28:32

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

0:28:320:28:35

# Insane in the membrane Insane in the membrane

0:28:350:28:38

# Insane in the membrane Insane in the membrane... #

0:28:380:28:43

You've got to give it some tongues, innit.

0:28:430:28:45

# Insane in the membrane Insane in the brain

0:28:450:28:50

# Insane in the membrane... #

0:28:500:28:52

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:520:28:54

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:540:28:57

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