Episode 3 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

This programme contains some strong language

Oh, remember if my lottery numbers come up,

I'm never seeing you ever again, all right?

Later!

# Bring it back... #

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. You're nice.

Hello, sweetie pie. You is as well,

My man over here, sort your shirt out.

Legend, spread the love! Spread the love!

Spread the love, yes!

Sweetie pie, loving this hair.

Spread the love, spread the love, spread the love!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

I'm Lee Nelson.

Joining me on my show tonight...

He don't eat no veg, but he's a proper lege.

It's my best mate, Omelette.

Yeah!

My nan is going to be singing some Miami Base.

Hello, Nan.

And I'll be asking Harry Potter over there to teach us a spell.

Yes, it's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality.

Oh people, I am in the mood of my life,

let me tell you that for nothing.

I got caught speeding.

116 miles per hour...

in reverse.

Old bill wanted to take away my licence,

I was well lucky I didn't have one.

Hands up who's got caught speeding!

Loads of people! You legend over there. How quick was you going?

-Er, 52.

-52?!

LAUGHTER

52!

The limit's 70, you dick.

Anyone beat 52?

Hands up, my man over there.

Legend, how quick?

130.

130?!

Was you playing Mario Kart?

130...

If you're that desperate for a wank, just pull over.

What car was you driving?

Porsche GT3.

Porsche, wooooo.

Where's it parked?

Yeah. What car do you drive, babe?

I'm guessing, it's a Volkswagen Polo,

cos I reckon you has a well minty hole.

Oi, some of the laws they make I think is ridiculous, right.

You know that indoor smoking ban? I think that don't make no sense.

It should be the other way round.

If you don't want to smoke,

you should fuck off outside.

Why send people with the damaged lungs

out in the cold every 20 minutes?

Who here's trying to give up smoking?

Loads of yous giving up. My man over here, how'd you give up?

-I had a heart attack.

-You had a heart attack?

LAUGHTER

Where was you when you had your heart attack?

-Driving.

-Driving!

And what did it feel like?

I don't know, to be honest with you, I was just short of breath,

I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep.

That's called dying, mate.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyone else here's given up? Legend, over there in the shit jacket.

I mean, trying to give it up, you know what I'm saying cos you know...

I don't think I do know what you're saying.

I mean, I don't smoke normal cigarette, you hearing me,

I try and give it up and all that, you know what I'm saying.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to guess, yes.

You's a legend, dude. You's a proper legend.

Whereabouts are you from, you nutter?

-USA, baby.

-America!

Legend.

Welcome. I've got to say a proper little hello to these boys.

Its so nice cos, like,

it's a different sort of sense of humour out in America, innit?

Sarcasm and that... is that quite the same?

Do you get sarcasm?

Well, I don't play, I don't do soccer man.

You know, I think soccer...

LAUGHTER

We don't find soccer that funny either.

You should know all about soccer my man, innit?

You's done us over at the World Cup, do you know about that?

The World Cup against the mighty England, you humiliated us.

We did get our own back though on the Americans, innit,

cos we fucked up your ocean.

And don't blame US for that cos I know yous do,

but that was Obama, weren't it?

He had such an influence out there even the sea turned black.

I have seen the law from the other side though,

cos I done jury service last month and that's a crazy thing.

This guy was being accused of some heavy, heavy stuff,

and you suddenly realise how big a responsibility doing jury is.

And the defence was all like,

nah, nah, nah,

he definitely never done it cos of, like, all this...

and...shit and that.

But then the attack was all like, nah, definitely...

cos he done it because of, like, other shit.

But then the judge was all like...

like...

I didn't listen to a lot of it.

But fuck it, I went with guilty.

Who here is up for seeing some court cases right now?

CHEERING

People, let's go to the Old Bailee!

The Old Bailee...

Game.

All rise.

LAUGHTER

Please be seated, you bunch of bum kissers.

Welcome to the Old Bailee.

Here is our jury.

But we is missing one member

who shall now be picked at random

from you, the public gallery.

Omelette.

Has you put all the names of everyone in the public gallery

that I wrote down in a bag?

No, I couldn't find a bag big enough.

Well, what have you done with them?

I've put them in my pants.

Well, come here and let's pick someone out.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Mix the names about a bit.

LAUGHTER

Summer Hillman, you have been selected for jury service!

Come on down.

CHEERING

Welcome, sweetie pie.

If you would like to go and join the other members of the jury...

All right, mate?

Bring out the first case.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentleman of the jury,

one of these men standing in front of you...

has committed...

the heinous crime...

..of wearing a wig.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh.

The other one's just guilty of having shit hair.

And at present that ain't against the law.

He's happy about that.

LAUGHTER

Someone had to tell you.

Sweetie pie, if you find the correct person guilty,

you win...

a case!

CHEERING

Which person do you think

is guilty of wearing a wig?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Er, A.

-You think A?

-Yeah.

Let's find out.

My man, is you guilty of fraud

by wearing a wig?

Yeah, my name is Roger

and I'm guilty of fraud by wearing a wig.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a look at this.

You should wear a wig.

That's why I do it.

It's mental, that makes bald people look sort of better and that.

Yeah.

My man over here.

Legend.

CHEERING

Let's plonk it on the right fella, you over here.

People, let's show some love for Roger and Sidney.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Laters, people. Laters.

Legends.

Bring out the next case.

WOLF WHISTLES

One of these women

is guilty of possessing counterfeit goods.

Is it lady A, or lady B, who has fake boobs?

All rise, innit?

LAUGHTER

If you get this case right, you win...

another case.

Woo.

Summer, who do you think is guilty of having fake boobs?

Audience help out.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

What about the geezer at the back in the white?

I think it's A.

You think it's A. Why do you think it's A, fella?

They're bigger than the ones in B.

-Do you think they're too big?

-Yeah.

Objection!

Summer, what is your verdict?

A.

Is you guilty of possessing counterfeit boobs?

My name is Elena

and I'm not guilty of possessing counterfeit boobs.

CHEERING

Elena, they're real?!

-They are, yeah.

-Wow, they're spectacular.

-Thank you.

-And these are the non-real ones?

Yeah, they're not.

Oh, I love them. I love the fake boobs, I'll be honest with you.

Yeah, my missus is having her second boob job done

in a couple of weeks time. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Having her left one done this time.

People let's show some love for Elena and Liana.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bring out the final case.

One of these men

is guilty of owning a lethal weapon.

Is it fella A or fella B who owns

an eight inch FLACCID penis?

Summer, this is to win an absolutely massive

thick red case.

LAUGHTER

A.

Let's find out. My man, is you guilty of owning a lethal weapon?

A massive penis?

My name is Joey and I'm not guilty of owning a lethal weapon.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Well, that's disappointing.

Hi, I'm Danny, and I'm guilty of, er, possessing a lethal weapon.

Show us, show us, show us, show us, show us, show us!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my gosh, Danny.

You've got... You could put a fire out with that.

LAUGHTER

Legend, innit?

PHONE RINGS

LAUGHTER

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

-AUDIENCE:

-Do it, do it!

-AUDIENCE:

-Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

PHONE STOPS RINGING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lee Nelson Show, Lee Nelson speaking.

I don't think so, but I'll check.

-Danny, did you order a pizza?

-No.

Nah, sorry about that.

OK, cheers, nice one.

Bye, bye, later. Cheers, bye. Bye.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Let's show some love for Danny and Joey!

APPLAUSE

Summer, you're going home with one case.

Give it up for Summer Hillman!

APPLAUSE

I now order you all to show some love for Jason Bent!

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is 110% Bent.

Having just been to Africa to set up his new football foundation,

Jason's agreed to promote the charity

by doing an exclusive interview and photo-shoot

with The Sun's Gordon Smart.

So, Jason, you've just returned from Malawi. Tell us about the trip.

No, I didn't actually go to Malawi.

Erm, I went to Africa.

Erm, I went there to set up my new charity,

The Bent African Foundation.

Using football to kick mosquitoes into the back of the net.

Erm, you know, going to Africa certainly puts things into perspective.

I mean, I thought Liverpool was a shit-hole.

Bang! In the back of the net.

Bent Football Foundation!

You're dead, twat.

What are the aims of the charity?

Erm, well, me first aim was always to go to Africa

and, er, build a brand new school, a new hospital and a new community centre,

but when I found out how much that was going to set me back,

I thought, fuck that, let's just have a kick about with some poor kids.

I believe part of the charity is about educating African kids when you're out there.

What exactly are you educating them about?

We went to this tiny little village, with no electricity,

no brick buildings, very little food and water and that.

I just give the kids there the same talk that I give the kids in the UK.

And I did an extra bit just for the African kids

about how important it is to stop the spread of malaria

by always wearing a rubber johnny.

Always wear a johnny, stop this bastard spunking in you.

And just finally, what was your highlight of the trip?

Oh, no doubt, meeting Nelson Mandela.

Erm, I'm a huge Nelson Mandela fan,

I've seen Shawshank Redemption about 50 times.

Erm, that Penguin film just breaks me heart.

Oi, everyone, I've become a dad for the second time!

APPLAUSE

It weren't planned or nothing, but you know what it's like,

you've had a few drinks with the missus,

you're on a nice night out together,

you're in each other's arms,

you've got 60 people in the car park cheering you on.

Anyone here had the baby recent, like me?

You over there, sweetie pie, that's so nice! How old's your little 'un?

-Nine days.

-Nine days old.

-ALL: Aw!

That is the sweetest thing I've heard in my life.

-Is you a good mum, baby?

-Yeah.

-Are you a good dad? Are you the dad, geez?

-Most definitely.

-You good parents, yeah?

-100%.

-100%, yeah.

Just leaving a nine-day-old baby at home.

Kids change your life, don't they? You wouldn't believe it, man.

I can't just leave my baby girl at home, go clubbing,

bosh some pills, bang a bird, snort some ketamine,

come back to the flat two days later.

These days, I'm a dad, you know? I got to take her wiv.

-Kids cost so much money. I've had to get a job. Has you got a job?

-I'm a market trader.

-Fruit and veg.

-Fruit and veg, is that right?

Everyone's pissing themselves at you, mate.

And she's pretty fucking embarrassed.

-She's eating healthy though, ain't she?

-She's eating healthy.

She has, she's got two massive melons.

What about yous girls over here, has you got a job, sweetie pie?

Yeah? I'm guessing... that you work in a firework factory,

cos I well want to bang you.

And I'm thinking yous is a...

baker, cos you has well nice baps.

Erm, let me think. You, babe,

must be a carpenter, cos you is giving me wood.

All right, geezer, or are you going to have another heart attack?

Oi, time now for a proper treat,

-it's Life Begins...with Dr Bob!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Every second of every minute...

of every day...

a new baby is born. SHE SCREAMS

Screaming is not going to make things better!

We put cameras into the wards

of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country...

Show me the baby!

..following Dr Bob and his team of midwives.

I've lost my pen!

It's a baby!

Life Begins...with Dr Bob.

Hello there, Mummy. Hello, Probable Daddy. I'm Dr Bob.

Let's have a feel of your tum-tum, shall we?

Good... Good.

Boobies.

How many babies have I delivered? Oh, my gosh, I've lost count.

Six.

But, do you know, no two births are ever the same?

Push! Push! Push!

Push! Push! Push!

Push! Here it comes... Ah.

It's a poo.

Push! Push!

Push! Push! Push!

Pu...

Push!

Push! Keep pushing! Push harder!

Argh! BABY CRIES

You've done so well, and congratulations to Daddy.

It's an absolute miracle, isn't it?

A whole new human life has just come out.

I bet nine months ago, you couldn't even get your fist up there!

Too much?

Don't worry, dear, deep breaths... You can relax. Doctor's here.

-Everything's going to be just fine.

-SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Shit... Where do you keep the manuals?

-CHEERING

-Hello, Omelette,

do you know what it's time for?

Do I have to?

Yes, you have to. It's your Peer Pressure Challenge!

CHEERING

Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

Omelette, on this wheel is three things

and, at the end of the show, you has to do one of them.

Do you fancy...

being tarred and feathered and turned into an human goose?

No, thanks.

-Is you up for getting tasered?

-CHEERING

Definitely not.

How's about covering your entire body in clothes pegs?

AUDIENCE: Oh!

-No way.

-Well, yous is going to have to do

one of 'em, mate, cos it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

-CHEERING

-Spin that wheel!

AUDIENCE: Woo...

Yes!

Omelette, is you going to get tarred and feathered

and turned into an human goose?

No, I'm not.

Well, we'll see about that.

Oi, everyone, let's pressure him into it!

ALL: Do it, do it, do it, do it,

do it, do it, do it, do it, do it,

do it, do it...

-Is you going to do it now?

-Yeah, all right.

-Yes!

-CHEERING

We pressured him into it!

-Off you go and get ready!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Quality! That, people,

-is all we've got time for. Oh, no!

-ALL: Oh!

Before we go, it's time to reveal this week's audience bell end.

Complete and utter bell end.

Brilliant! There's just one more thing to come, it's my nan singing!

Come on down, Nan!

Thank yous for watching, thank yous for coming!

Hello, Nan. Mwah!

What is you going to be singing for us tonight, Nan?

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be rapping Whoomp! (There It Is).

-Yeah!

Take it away, Nan!

# Yeah! Tag Team Music in full effect

# That's me, DC that reigns supreme... #

Legend over here, let's see some moves.

# ..Rollin, we're kickin' the flow We're kickin' the flow

-# And it goes a lil' something... #

-Is your heart all right?

-# ..Let's begin... #

-Oh, my gosh!

Sweetie pie. Let's see, let's see who we've got.

# ..Whoomp! There it is

# Whoomp! There it is

# Whoomp! There it is

# Whoomp! There it is

# Whoomp! There it is

-# Whoomp! There it is... #

-Oh, yeah!

# ..Whoomp! There it is

# Whoomp! There it is... Upside down, inside out

# That's what it's all about Make this party hop

# Whoomp! There it is Whoomp! There it is

# Whoomp! There it is

# Whoomp! There it is. # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd