Episode 3 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show


Episode 3

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Oh, remember if my lottery numbers come up,

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I'm never seeing you ever again, all right?

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Later!

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# Bring it back... #

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Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes!

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Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. You're nice.

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Hello, sweetie pie. You is as well,

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My man over here, sort your shirt out.

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Legend, spread the love! Spread the love!

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Spread the love, yes!

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Sweetie pie, loving this hair.

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Spread the love, spread the love, spread the love!

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Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

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I'm Lee Nelson.

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Joining me on my show tonight...

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He don't eat no veg, but he's a proper lege.

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It's my best mate, Omelette.

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Yeah!

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My nan is going to be singing some Miami Base.

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Hello, Nan.

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And I'll be asking Harry Potter over there to teach us a spell.

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Yes, it's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality.

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Oh people, I am in the mood of my life,

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let me tell you that for nothing.

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I got caught speeding.

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116 miles per hour...

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in reverse.

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Old bill wanted to take away my licence,

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I was well lucky I didn't have one.

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Hands up who's got caught speeding!

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Loads of people! You legend over there. How quick was you going?

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-Er, 52.

-52?!

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LAUGHTER

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52!

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The limit's 70, you dick.

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Anyone beat 52?

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Hands up, my man over there.

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Legend, how quick?

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130.

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130?!

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Was you playing Mario Kart?

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130...

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If you're that desperate for a wank, just pull over.

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What car was you driving?

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Porsche GT3.

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Porsche, wooooo.

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Where's it parked?

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Yeah. What car do you drive, babe?

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I'm guessing, it's a Volkswagen Polo,

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cos I reckon you has a well minty hole.

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Oi, some of the laws they make I think is ridiculous, right.

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You know that indoor smoking ban? I think that don't make no sense.

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It should be the other way round.

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If you don't want to smoke,

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you should fuck off outside.

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Why send people with the damaged lungs

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out in the cold every 20 minutes?

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Who here's trying to give up smoking?

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Loads of yous giving up. My man over here, how'd you give up?

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-I had a heart attack.

-You had a heart attack?

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LAUGHTER

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Where was you when you had your heart attack?

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-Driving.

-Driving!

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And what did it feel like?

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I don't know, to be honest with you, I was just short of breath,

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I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep.

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That's called dying, mate.

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Yeah.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Anyone else here's given up? Legend, over there in the shit jacket.

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I mean, trying to give it up, you know what I'm saying cos you know...

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I don't think I do know what you're saying.

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I mean, I don't smoke normal cigarette, you hearing me,

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I try and give it up and all that, you know what I'm saying.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm going to guess, yes.

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You's a legend, dude. You's a proper legend.

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Whereabouts are you from, you nutter?

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-USA, baby.

-America!

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Legend.

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Welcome. I've got to say a proper little hello to these boys.

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Its so nice cos, like,

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it's a different sort of sense of humour out in America, innit?

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Sarcasm and that... is that quite the same?

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Do you get sarcasm?

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Well, I don't play, I don't do soccer man.

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You know, I think soccer...

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LAUGHTER

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We don't find soccer that funny either.

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You should know all about soccer my man, innit?

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You's done us over at the World Cup, do you know about that?

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The World Cup against the mighty England, you humiliated us.

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We did get our own back though on the Americans, innit,

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cos we fucked up your ocean.

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And don't blame US for that cos I know yous do,

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but that was Obama, weren't it?

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He had such an influence out there even the sea turned black.

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I have seen the law from the other side though,

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cos I done jury service last month and that's a crazy thing.

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This guy was being accused of some heavy, heavy stuff,

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and you suddenly realise how big a responsibility doing jury is.

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And the defence was all like,

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nah, nah, nah,

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he definitely never done it cos of, like, all this...

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and...shit and that.

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But then the attack was all like, nah, definitely...

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cos he done it because of, like, other shit.

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But then the judge was all like...

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like...

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I didn't listen to a lot of it.

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But fuck it, I went with guilty.

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Who here is up for seeing some court cases right now?

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CHEERING

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People, let's go to the Old Bailee!

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The Old Bailee...

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Game.

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All rise.

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LAUGHTER

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Please be seated, you bunch of bum kissers.

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Welcome to the Old Bailee.

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Here is our jury.

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But we is missing one member

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who shall now be picked at random

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from you, the public gallery.

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Omelette.

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Has you put all the names of everyone in the public gallery

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that I wrote down in a bag?

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No, I couldn't find a bag big enough.

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Well, what have you done with them?

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I've put them in my pants.

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Well, come here and let's pick someone out.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Mix the names about a bit.

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LAUGHTER

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Summer Hillman, you have been selected for jury service!

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Come on down.

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CHEERING

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Welcome, sweetie pie.

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If you would like to go and join the other members of the jury...

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All right, mate?

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Bring out the first case.

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CHEERING

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Ladies and gentleman of the jury,

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one of these men standing in front of you...

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has committed...

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the heinous crime...

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..of wearing a wig.

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AUDIENCE: Ooooh.

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The other one's just guilty of having shit hair.

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And at present that ain't against the law.

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He's happy about that.

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LAUGHTER

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Someone had to tell you.

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Sweetie pie, if you find the correct person guilty,

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you win...

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a case!

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CHEERING

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Which person do you think

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is guilty of wearing a wig?

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AUDIENCE SHOUTS

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Er, A.

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-You think A?

-Yeah.

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Let's find out.

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My man, is you guilty of fraud

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by wearing a wig?

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Yeah, my name is Roger

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and I'm guilty of fraud by wearing a wig.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's have a look at this.

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You should wear a wig.

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That's why I do it.

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It's mental, that makes bald people look sort of better and that.

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Yeah.

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My man over here.

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Legend.

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CHEERING

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Let's plonk it on the right fella, you over here.

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People, let's show some love for Roger and Sidney.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Laters, people. Laters.

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Legends.

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Bring out the next case.

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WOLF WHISTLES

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One of these women

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is guilty of possessing counterfeit goods.

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Is it lady A, or lady B, who has fake boobs?

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All rise, innit?

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LAUGHTER

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If you get this case right, you win...

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another case.

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Woo.

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Summer, who do you think is guilty of having fake boobs?

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Audience help out.

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AUDIENCE SHOUTS

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What about the geezer at the back in the white?

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I think it's A.

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You think it's A. Why do you think it's A, fella?

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They're bigger than the ones in B.

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-Do you think they're too big?

-Yeah.

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Objection!

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Summer, what is your verdict?

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A.

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Is you guilty of possessing counterfeit boobs?

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My name is Elena

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and I'm not guilty of possessing counterfeit boobs.

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CHEERING

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Elena, they're real?!

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-They are, yeah.

-Wow, they're spectacular.

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-Thank you.

-And these are the non-real ones?

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Yeah, they're not.

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Oh, I love them. I love the fake boobs, I'll be honest with you.

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Yeah, my missus is having her second boob job done

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in a couple of weeks time. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

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Having her left one done this time.

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People let's show some love for Elena and Liana.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Bring out the final case.

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One of these men

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is guilty of owning a lethal weapon.

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Is it fella A or fella B who owns

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an eight inch FLACCID penis?

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Summer, this is to win an absolutely massive

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thick red case.

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LAUGHTER

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A.

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Let's find out. My man, is you guilty of owning a lethal weapon?

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A massive penis?

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My name is Joey and I'm not guilty of owning a lethal weapon.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Well, that's disappointing.

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Hi, I'm Danny, and I'm guilty of, er, possessing a lethal weapon.

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Show us, show us, show us, show us, show us, show us!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, my gosh, Danny.

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You've got... You could put a fire out with that.

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LAUGHTER

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Legend, innit?

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PHONE RINGS

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LAUGHTER

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PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

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LAUGHTER AND GROANING

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-AUDIENCE:

-Do it, do it!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

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PHONE STOPS RINGING

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Lee Nelson Show, Lee Nelson speaking.

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I don't think so, but I'll check.

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-Danny, did you order a pizza?

-No.

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Nah, sorry about that.

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OK, cheers, nice one.

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Bye, bye, later. Cheers, bye. Bye.

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WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's show some love for Danny and Joey!

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APPLAUSE

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Summer, you're going home with one case.

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Give it up for Summer Hillman!

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APPLAUSE

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I now order you all to show some love for Jason Bent!

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Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,

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and we've been given 110% access to his life.

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This is 110% Bent.

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Having just been to Africa to set up his new football foundation,

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Jason's agreed to promote the charity

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by doing an exclusive interview and photo-shoot

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with The Sun's Gordon Smart.

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So, Jason, you've just returned from Malawi. Tell us about the trip.

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No, I didn't actually go to Malawi.

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Erm, I went to Africa.

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Erm, I went there to set up my new charity,

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The Bent African Foundation.

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Using football to kick mosquitoes into the back of the net.

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Erm, you know, going to Africa certainly puts things into perspective.

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I mean, I thought Liverpool was a shit-hole.

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Bang! In the back of the net.

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Bent Football Foundation!

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You're dead, twat.

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What are the aims of the charity?

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Erm, well, me first aim was always to go to Africa

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and, er, build a brand new school, a new hospital and a new community centre,

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but when I found out how much that was going to set me back,

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I thought, fuck that, let's just have a kick about with some poor kids.

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I believe part of the charity is about educating African kids when you're out there.

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What exactly are you educating them about?

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We went to this tiny little village, with no electricity,

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no brick buildings, very little food and water and that.

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I just give the kids there the same talk that I give the kids in the UK.

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And I did an extra bit just for the African kids

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about how important it is to stop the spread of malaria

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by always wearing a rubber johnny.

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Always wear a johnny, stop this bastard spunking in you.

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And just finally, what was your highlight of the trip?

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Oh, no doubt, meeting Nelson Mandela.

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Erm, I'm a huge Nelson Mandela fan,

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I've seen Shawshank Redemption about 50 times.

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Erm, that Penguin film just breaks me heart.

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Oi, everyone, I've become a dad for the second time!

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APPLAUSE

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It weren't planned or nothing, but you know what it's like,

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you've had a few drinks with the missus,

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you're on a nice night out together,

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you're in each other's arms,

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you've got 60 people in the car park cheering you on.

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Anyone here had the baby recent, like me?

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You over there, sweetie pie, that's so nice! How old's your little 'un?

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-Nine days.

-Nine days old.

-ALL: Aw!

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That is the sweetest thing I've heard in my life.

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-Is you a good mum, baby?

-Yeah.

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-Are you a good dad? Are you the dad, geez?

-Most definitely.

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-You good parents, yeah?

-100%.

-100%, yeah.

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Just leaving a nine-day-old baby at home.

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Kids change your life, don't they? You wouldn't believe it, man.

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I can't just leave my baby girl at home, go clubbing,

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bosh some pills, bang a bird, snort some ketamine,

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come back to the flat two days later.

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These days, I'm a dad, you know? I got to take her wiv.

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-Kids cost so much money. I've had to get a job. Has you got a job?

-I'm a market trader.

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-Fruit and veg.

-Fruit and veg, is that right?

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Everyone's pissing themselves at you, mate.

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And she's pretty fucking embarrassed.

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-She's eating healthy though, ain't she?

-She's eating healthy.

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She has, she's got two massive melons.

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What about yous girls over here, has you got a job, sweetie pie?

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Yeah? I'm guessing... that you work in a firework factory,

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cos I well want to bang you.

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And I'm thinking yous is a...

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baker, cos you has well nice baps.

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Erm, let me think. You, babe,

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must be a carpenter, cos you is giving me wood.

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All right, geezer, or are you going to have another heart attack?

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Oi, time now for a proper treat,

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-it's Life Begins...with Dr Bob!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Every second of every minute...

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of every day...

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a new baby is born. SHE SCREAMS

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Screaming is not going to make things better!

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We put cameras into the wards

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of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country...

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Show me the baby!

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..following Dr Bob and his team of midwives.

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I've lost my pen!

0:22:450:22:47

It's a baby!

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Life Begins...with Dr Bob.

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Hello there, Mummy. Hello, Probable Daddy. I'm Dr Bob.

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Let's have a feel of your tum-tum, shall we?

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Good... Good.

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Boobies.

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How many babies have I delivered? Oh, my gosh, I've lost count.

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Six.

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But, do you know, no two births are ever the same?

0:23:330:23:36

Push! Push! Push!

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Push! Push! Push!

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Push! Here it comes... Ah.

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It's a poo.

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Push! Push!

0:23:500:23:52

Push! Push! Push!

0:23:520:23:54

Pu...

0:23:540:23:55

Push!

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Push! Keep pushing! Push harder!

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Argh! BABY CRIES

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You've done so well, and congratulations to Daddy.

0:24:120:24:16

It's an absolute miracle, isn't it?

0:24:160:24:19

A whole new human life has just come out.

0:24:190:24:24

I bet nine months ago, you couldn't even get your fist up there!

0:24:240:24:29

Too much?

0:24:300:24:32

Don't worry, dear, deep breaths... You can relax. Doctor's here.

0:24:350:24:39

-Everything's going to be just fine.

-SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

0:24:410:24:45

Shit... Where do you keep the manuals?

0:24:450:24:49

-CHEERING

-Hello, Omelette,

0:24:550:24:58

do you know what it's time for?

0:24:580:24:59

Do I have to?

0:24:590:25:01

Yes, you have to. It's your Peer Pressure Challenge!

0:25:010:25:07

CHEERING

0:25:070:25:08

Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

0:25:080:25:11

Omelette, on this wheel is three things

0:25:160:25:19

and, at the end of the show, you has to do one of them.

0:25:190:25:23

Do you fancy...

0:25:230:25:26

being tarred and feathered and turned into an human goose?

0:25:260:25:32

No, thanks.

0:25:320:25:34

-Is you up for getting tasered?

-CHEERING

0:25:340:25:41

Definitely not.

0:25:410:25:44

How's about covering your entire body in clothes pegs?

0:25:440:25:50

AUDIENCE: Oh!

0:25:500:25:52

-No way.

-Well, yous is going to have to do

0:25:520:25:55

one of 'em, mate, cos it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

0:25:550:25:59

-CHEERING

-Spin that wheel!

0:25:590:26:01

AUDIENCE: Woo...

0:26:080:26:11

Yes!

0:26:110:26:12

Omelette, is you going to get tarred and feathered

0:26:140:26:17

and turned into an human goose?

0:26:170:26:19

No, I'm not.

0:26:190:26:20

Well, we'll see about that.

0:26:200:26:22

Oi, everyone, let's pressure him into it!

0:26:220:26:25

ALL: Do it, do it, do it, do it,

0:26:250:26:29

do it, do it, do it, do it, do it,

0:26:290:26:32

do it, do it...

0:26:320:26:36

-Is you going to do it now?

-Yeah, all right.

0:26:360:26:39

-Yes!

-CHEERING

0:26:390:26:40

We pressured him into it!

0:26:420:26:44

-Off you go and get ready!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:440:26:47

Quality! That, people,

0:26:490:26:52

-is all we've got time for. Oh, no!

-ALL: Oh!

0:26:520:26:56

Before we go, it's time to reveal this week's audience bell end.

0:26:560:27:00

Complete and utter bell end.

0:27:200:27:23

Brilliant! There's just one more thing to come, it's my nan singing!

0:27:230:27:30

Come on down, Nan!

0:27:300:27:33

Thank yous for watching, thank yous for coming!

0:27:330:27:39

Hello, Nan. Mwah!

0:27:410:27:42

What is you going to be singing for us tonight, Nan?

0:27:440:27:47

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be rapping Whoomp! (There It Is).

-Yeah!

0:27:470:27:51

Take it away, Nan!

0:27:530:27:55

# Yeah! Tag Team Music in full effect

0:27:560:28:01

# That's me, DC that reigns supreme... #

0:28:010:28:03

Legend over here, let's see some moves.

0:28:030:28:05

# ..Rollin, we're kickin' the flow We're kickin' the flow

0:28:050:28:09

-# And it goes a lil' something... #

-Is your heart all right?

0:28:090:28:12

-# ..Let's begin... #

-Oh, my gosh!

0:28:120:28:15

Sweetie pie. Let's see, let's see who we've got.

0:28:150:28:19

# ..Whoomp! There it is

0:28:190:28:21

# Whoomp! There it is

0:28:210:28:25

# Whoomp! There it is

0:28:250:28:26

# Whoomp! There it is

0:28:260:28:28

# Whoomp! There it is

0:28:280:28:30

-# Whoomp! There it is... #

-Oh, yeah!

0:28:300:28:32

# ..Whoomp! There it is

0:28:320:28:34

# Whoomp! There it is... Upside down, inside out

0:28:340:28:38

# That's what it's all about Make this party hop

0:28:380:28:44

# Whoomp! There it is Whoomp! There it is

0:28:440:28:46

# Whoomp! There it is

0:28:460:28:49

# Whoomp! There it is. # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:490:28:52

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:520:28:54

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