Episode 4 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

-I'm off to do my telly show, you going to be all right on your own?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, and make sure you brush your teeth before the baby sitter gets here.

She is well lush and your breath stinks. Later.

This programme contains strong language

Contains adult humour

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, quality-ee.

APPLAUSE

Ye-e-e-e-s, hello, hello, hello, hello, you're nice.

Innit? Yes.

Hello, sweetie pie, sort your hat out, hello, babes, spread the love up here.

Glasses, love it, loving it, loving it.

The older generation's in, yes. Innit, innit, innit, geezer, yeah...

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

I'm Lee Nelson. Joining me on my show tonight,

he's shaped like a ball and we've been mates since school...

it's my best mate Omelette.

Yeah, my nan is going to be attempting to sing some Bhangra.

CHEERING

Hello, Nan. And I'll be wondering how that bloke over there...

..managed to get with her.

It's Lee Nelson's Well, Good show, qualit-ee.

Oh, I am in the mood of my life, I was just having myself a threesome.

CHEERING

Yeah, I done it with my bird and her best mate...

..Clive.

Still counts, don't it, Clive?

No, me and Amber experiment all the time, you know, we done role play the other day, that was mental.

She pretended she was my boss at work, I took it too seriously and I never turned up.

You got to try things all the time, innit, that's the way things go, you know,

Who you with her, geez over here, that's proper, proper, this man, you must be fucking loaded.

Innit, how long you been with her, geez?

-A couple of years.

-Good for you.

What about you, how long you been with him?

Yeah, it's quite a lot less, innit.

Where did you meet her?

-In Honduras.

-In Honduras, I can see where you're coming from, I'd fuck her for a passport.

Only for you, sweetie pie.

What about you, geez, how long you been by yourself?

-No, I'm with someone else.

-You're with someone else?

-Yeah, yeah.

-You legend, innit.

Fucking liar.

You got to keep things fresh, do you know what I mean, try new stuff out.

Amber got a Brazilian done recently, yes,

she used to have an Australian, you know, just bush.

Oi, Omelette, you done anything to spice up your love life?

Yeah, I got vajazzled.

What about, let's go older generation couple, sweetie, girls over here.

Is you still sort of like, things, things happening any more

down there, innit, you got your hands down there I'm thinking you're having a cheeky little rub.

Give us a kiss...

Give us a kiss?! You dirty girl, we ain't even been on a date.

Right you're nice, baby, you're nice.

Is it, you still got the needs and all that?

She has, innit, filthy, filthy cow. Come here.

Get off my cock!

Have we got single people in, we got single lads, single lads over here.

I'm going to go to you, my man, look at his... You're still wearing your fucking pyjamas.

-And, well, when was the last bird you had?

-A little while, a couple of months.

-A couple of months, how did it end?

-Had enough of me.

-Oh, that's, that's...

-Oh.

-Innit, what happened, what did she say?

-Dunno, the usual.

-The usual.

-"It's not you, it's me."

-It's not you, it's me.

-Yeah.

But it was you though, wasn't it?

You know what you should do, fella, get a dog.

Yeah, no, dogs is the best for pulling girls.

I got myself a dog and I'm always out with him like, keeping an eye out for girls.

I saw a nice girl the other day, she was walking her dog, I was walking mine,

just go up to her. Right, you all right, sweetie pie, oh, my gosh, your dogs are nice.

Oh, my gosh, my dog and your dog is getting on so well together.

Oh, my gosh, our dogs is playing together.

Oh, my gosh, my dogs and your dogs is like best mates.

Oh, my gosh my... my dog's just killed your dog.

She was gutted, I was trying to make her feel better, at the back

of my mind I'm thinking it's only a fucking Labrador, innit,

with one of them stupid florescent jackets on.

All right, single girls, who's single girls, any single girls?

Is you a single girl, sweetie pie, over there, yeah, yous is, how long's it been, babe?

-About three months.

-And how did it break up and that?

-We just grew apart, I think.

-You just grew apart...

-Yeah.

What are you, trees?!

Sweetheart, it is your lucky night cos I am going to guarantee

to get you a date cos you are about to play Single And Gagging For It.

Single And Gagging For It.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anna, welcome to your bedroom.

-Oh, thank you.

-Now I've signed you up to Lee Nelson's Well Good Dating Site,

typed in a profile for you and filed you under "desperate".

There's now five people online who are well up for meeting you.

Yous has three questions to decide which person you'd like to meet.

-OK.

-But remember in the world of online dating,

not all is at it seems.

-Oh.

-Let's play, Single And Gagging For It.

Anna, please type your first question.

All right, and read it out please.

-How would you describe yourself?

-That's a good question.

Well, while we're waiting for the responses, how would you describe your ideal man?

-Um.

-Single bed, innit.

I bet you got other stuff, innit.

Right.

Are you using 'em all at once, what is going on here?! Oh, for fuck's sake, that is unacceptable, innit.

COMPUTER BEEPS

Right, lucky escape.

Yous got your first reply.

Someone who calls themselves, Stunner 81 and he says,

"If you looked up sexy in the dictionary you'd see a picture of me."

Oh, it sounds all right, don't it?

He goes on to say I've attached a photo, let's have a look. Oooh.

Suddenly you're liking these games, aren't you?

We's got, Barry_Newton who says,

"I'm gentle, kind and enjoy being looked after."

Er, he also says a lot of people online lie about what they look like so he's also attached a photo.

APPLAUSE

OK we've got another response, In2Girls has written, "I'm very manly,

"I always take care of the girl I'm with but I've got a nice feminine side too."

Well, I've got a soft side, babe?

-Yeah.

-And a hard one.

Up4it it says, "I'm young looking and fresh faced, I've only got

"a slight build but I do have a full head of hair. Smiley face."

That's always a bit suspicious when someone mentions they got a full head of hair.

Has he got hair? Is it his hair? Has he done a Rooney and visited a load of hookers?

We's got our last person who's online.

Big Boy, "I like a laugh and I'm up for anything."

That sounds all right, don't it? Yeah.

"I've attached a photo but to be honest I'm not nearly as good looking in real life."

LAUGHTER

Omelette, what is you doing in the internet cafe?

Sorry I was just doing my daily food shop.

Well, out, mate. Out.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Come on, he's got loads of food over there.

OK, please type in your second question.

Where would you take me on a date?

Oh, that's nice question, while we're waiting for the answers,

what would be your ideal date, sweetie pie?

Are you a first-night girl or would you wait until the early hours of the next morning?

All right, OK, we've got our first response, it's Stunner 81.

"Wherever we go there'll be no need to buy drinks cos I got my own six pack."

I think he sounds like a bit of a dick.

Now you've got rid of Omelette and that would have been free drinks for life, he's got a barrel.

OK, Barry_Newton says "Come to my home and let's do what I do every night,

"stay in and take a few pills."

Legend, innit. "Yeah, and don't worry cos at my home

"no matter how ill you feel in the morning you'll get looked after."

Nutter. In2girls has written, "I'd invite you over to mine

"where we'd have an expensive bottle of wine and a romantic fish supper."

Nice. What we got next?

Up4it, "Let's just hang out in my room together,

"I've got some toys which I think you'll love to play with

"and I'll let you hold my pet snake."

Your final question, what's it to be, type away.

You can't just go straight in with that, all right.

No-one is going to be able to compete with that fucker.

Let alone the springiness. That's...

Type another question, babe.

Where do you see yourself in five years' time?

Hm, that's quite a sensible question. All right, we's got our first answer from Stunner 81.

Harry_Newton says, "I don't like to think that far ahead, it frightens me."

In2girls, hopefully with you.

-AUDIENCE: Aww!

-That's nice.

"But if you're one of those girls that dates dicks, it's not going to work out."

OK, Up4it says, super hard question, LOL.

That is it, what is you thinking, audience, help her out.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

All right, thank you, people.

Who you going to go for?

Up4it.

Up4it.

You, sweetheart, has gone for Up4it. Sweetie pie, stand up, stay there,

let's see who you have turned down.

In2girls, please make your way down here.

Let's give it up for In2girls.

Show some love for Barry_Newton.

Let's show some love.

If you would have gone for him you could have got him

to shag you right hard and got all his inheritance.

Here's who you turned down, let's see Stunner 81.

Oh, my gosh, you legend, innit, your six pack, is that true? Let's see.

Oooh. Tiny dick though.

Come here, you legend, can I use your photo?

-Yeah.

-Brilliant, show us some love for Stunner 81.

Here's who you's going to meet, let's show some love for Up4it.

Come round here. Look at that, yes.

He's come in his pants.

Sweetie pie, have a very good time with him, all right, don't spend too long, he's got to be home by ten.

Now, while these two get to know each, it's time for Jason Bent.

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is, 110% Bent.

With the festive season approaching, Jason's spending the afternoon at the local children's hospital.

Get better soon.

Our cameras were there to witness it all.

All right, Mum and Dad, how you doing, nice to meet you.

-This is Jessica.

-Just going to...

Here we go...

People don't realise just how much charity work footballers do. There we go.

Um, yeah, sure I could be doing

better things with me time but if I can cure just one kid of cancer it'll be worth wasting me afternoon for.

-So what's wrong with your lad?

-He's got a hole in his heart.

Yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that.

I know what you're going through though, I've got a niggly hamstring.

Yeah, so nice to be able to bring a great big smile to these kids' pale, thin faces.

And one of the ways I like to improve their shit lives is, is to get them

involved in a little Christmas sing-along. They love it.

# Who the fuck are Man United?

# Who the fuck are Man United?

# You're going home in a Liverpool ambulance... #

Well, I think about the fact that I'm an extremely well paid

premier league footballer and I'm visiting these poor sick bastards.

Makes me realise just how lucky they are that I come here.

What's the best thing about being a footballer?

You get to pretty much fuck anything, it's great.

The staff here do an incredible job.

Um, I know people have a pop at footballers saying

we're overpaid compared to nurses, well, now I know why, just had a kick around with them and they are shit.

-Happy Christmas, Harry.

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you, Ed, who do you support?

-Chelsea.

-Oh, yeah, whereabouts you from?

Nottingham.

You Tory-supporting little prick!

Have you ever been to a game?

No, but I always watch them on the telly.

Not the same, fuck off, end of.

Cheers for having me, let's have a round of applause for the nurses.

Coming to the hospital at this time of year really puts things into perspective.

I mean, these kids are going to be spending Christmas in here with their families

whereas I've got two away games over Christmas so I don't get to see me family at all.

The lucky little bastards.

Yes.

Oh, people it's been, it's been quite a tough few weeks

for me actually, um, my, my granddad passed away, so...

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Yeah, he was driving on the motorway

and he had a stroke and he was paralysed, he couldn't move a single muscle

and hit a motorway flyover.

So, like it sounds instant, don't it,

but he was 72, was driving at 20 mile an hour and he just

saw that flyover coming towards him for 11 minutes.

Yeah, we all had time to bail out.

My uncle even went back for his jacket.

I mean, we all knew he weren't 100% healthy,

he'd collapsed a couple of months ago which was frightening for everyone.

Me and him was out shopping together and all of a sudden like he turns round to me, all pale and sweaty,

he's says, "Le-e-e-e-e. Le-e-e-e-e!"

And he looked right into me eyes and just before he collapsed he says to me, "Lee, I..

"can't...give you..

"a piggyback no more."

Well, you know one of the hardest things about losing someone is you got to split their stuff up.

And I went to my granddad's house with my brother and I was respectful

all right, I took the TV, I took the DVD, I leave it there and I'm going to look after them.

My brother, I think he took the piss, all right, my brother took every single bit of furniture

in the house, he took the cutlery, the crockery, the fridge, the freezer,

the door handles, the light bulbs,

he took the carpets, he even took the fucking curtains...

Fuck's sake, man, my nan still lives there!

People it's that time again, it's Life Begins With Dr Bob.

Every second...

of every minute...of every day..

a new baby is born.

Screaming is not going to make things better. Good!

We put cameras into the wards of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country.

Show me the baby!

Following Dr Bob and his team of midwifes.

I've lost my pen. It's a baby!

Life Begins With Dr Bob.

Is this your first child?

-Yeah.

-Oh, really.

-You sound surprised?

-No, no,

it's just your wife has

a colossal vagina.

So unfortunately, dear, things are progressing so slowly

that we really do have to move to a Caesarean section.

I just need you to sign the paperwork, if you could sign here,

here and here, if you could just sign here,

that's a leaving card for one of the midwives...

this is my little boy's birthday card and, er, write something nice.

If you could witness my mortgage here.

Moving in March.

Right, let's get this baby out.

Bill please.

There you go, dear... a beautiful healthy baby girl.

You're all sown back up nicely.

But we're having twins.

Ah...shit.

Let's see what's going on down here, if I'm not back within the hour, call the Chilean Embassy.

Hello, mate, do you know what it's time for?

Oh, not this week, please.

Yes, this week it's time for your peer-pressure challenge.

Omelette's Peer-Pressure Challenge!

Omelette, on this wheel is three things and at the end of the show

yous has to do one of them.

Do you fancy...

eating a pack of fags.

No, not really.

Is you up for dressing as a baby

and bouncing up and down in a giant baby bouncer.

No, thanks.

How's about having a knife thrower chuck some knives at you?

No, definitely not.

Well, you is going to have to do one of them, my mate, cos it's Omelette's Peer-Pressure Challenge,

Spin that wheel.

Yes.

Omelette, are you going to dress up as a baby and bounce up and down in a giant baby bouncer?

No, I'm absolutely not.

Well, we will see about that.

Let's pressure him...

AUDIENCE: Do it, do it...

Omelette, is you going to do it now?

-Yeah, all right.

-Yes.

We've peer pressured him into it.

Off you go and get into your nappy.

Quality.

Right, that people, is all we've got time for. Oh, no!

But before we go, it's time to reveal this week's audience bell-end.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yes. Massive bell end.

People there's just one more thing to come.

It's my nan singing.

Come on down, nan, thank you for watching.

Thank yous for coming.

Hello, Nan, who is you going to be for us tonight?

Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Panjabi MC.

Take it away, Nan.

Me and Clive!

SHE SINGS

Sweetie pie!

Give it some dancing legend.

Yes.