Episode 5 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show


Episode 5

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-I'm off to do my telly show, you gonna be all right on your own?

-Yeah.

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Yeah!

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Oh, if you need anything at all just go to the neighbours'.

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They're on holiday. You can take what you like!

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Later!

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This programme contains strong language

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Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, qualitee!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes!

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Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello,

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looking nice, girls, yes!

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Hello, there's some fake tan!

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Geezer, loving that, look at your cardy!

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Oh, my gosh, my muscles over here, innit!

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Glasses, legend, legend, legend. Spread the love!

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Yeah, sort that hair our!

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Hello, hello, yeah!

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Curly! Loving it, you legend.

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Yeah!

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Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show!

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I'm Lee Nelson!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Joining me on my show tonight,

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he's gonna have a stroke but he's a top, top bloke,

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it's my best mate Omelette!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes, my nan is gonna be getting her freak on.

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Yes! Hello, Nan.

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And I'll be making sure

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I never go to the same hairdresser as that bloke over there.

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It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, qualitee!

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Oh, yes!

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I am in the mood of my life, let me tell you that for nothing.

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I've just had my school reunion.

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CHEERING

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Yes. I bunked it!

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I thought, "Why go back to the same school that treated me so bad,"

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you know? I got expelled from that school.

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I slashed the headmaster's tyres.

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Yeah, pretty funny, actually,

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he must have been stuck in his wheelchair about 20 minutes.

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I done it on gravel. Proper clever, innit?

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I remember the first place I ever got kicked out of,

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my teacher caught me smoking weed in the toilets

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and he humiliated me.

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He phoned my mum up in front of the whole class,

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"I caught your boy smoking weed in the toilets.

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"You better find your son a new nursery."

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See, I weren't like proper sort of brainy and that,

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I weren't like that man over there, innit?

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He's proper geeky legend, ain't he?

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you know the score with the glasses and the wrong clothes.

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Come here, you legend, we're just different, innit?

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No-one's talked to him for years.

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-Shall we find out how clever that man is?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

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-Shall we do a clever test?

-Yeah!

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CHANTING: Clever test, clever test, clever test,

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clever test, clever test!

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Woo..

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Clever test.

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OK.

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Here's the scenario. You has got £25.50 in your pocket.

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You're at the bar with six mates.

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Now, can you imagine that?

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Obviously not, innit, geezer?

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See, I know maths, right, not in a clever way

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but in a able to impress your mates way.

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I can do sort of tricks with numbers that just fuck with people's heads, you know.

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I pick a random person... Oh, you, geez, you up for it?

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Little bit? you're sort of... No, OK.

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Let's go for this. She looks nicer to do tricks on, innit?

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All right, sweetheart,

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all you gotta do is tell me, in numbers,

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your day, month and year that you was born.

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-The day?

-14.

-14. OK, you remember 14.

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-Two.

-Two. You remember two.

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-1989.

-89. All right, 14, 2, 89.

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You...

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is legal.

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Is you clever, baby? No?

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Fucking result.

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What you get up to, babe, when you was younger and that? Was you in the Girl Guides?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah, I thought you was

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cos you's tied my heart in a knot.

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I made a tent in my pants.

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You remind me of my head girl at my school.

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Yeah, we had the head girl.

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It was nothing official, she was just the best at giving it.

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Oh, you look like head boy material, fella.

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Come here, you geezer, innit. Not you, your partner.

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I thought my school was pretty good, actually. We had a motto -

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"Subsisto excarcere."

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"Stay out of prison."

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Omelette, right, did you go to our school reunion and that?

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Yeah, I went for the free sandwiches.

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The reunion was 25 quid a ticket.

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Them sandwiches weren't free. You wasted your money, you idiot.

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No, I didn't, I ate 750 sandwiches.

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Legend. Was it nice to catch up with people and that?

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I don't know, I was in the toilet all night shitting out my sandwiches.

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Unbelievable, that's fucking brilliant.

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Oi, my man, listen, I know you's had a good time at your school,

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but with all due respect you might have struggled at my school.

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you know, you might have got bullied at my school,

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No, that's the truth, I would have made sure you got bullied at my school.

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Give me your fucking money!

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Flashback to fifth form, he shat himself.

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Let's find out how you would have actually have got on at my school.

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Let's go to Lee Nelson Comprehensive!

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# Lee Nelson Comprehensive game. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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John Withall, I is gonna give you

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four classes to see if you could've handled life at LMC.

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If you do well you get to go round the back of the bike sheds

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with the head girl.

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CHEERING AND WOLF-WHISTLING

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Yes!

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But if you do badly in any lesson,

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you get a visit from the headmistress and a proper spanking.

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CHEERING AND WOLFWHISTLING

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Your first class...

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..Is PE, so I just need you to pop on your PE kit,

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and let's get started.

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Have you forgotten your PE kit, Withall?

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Right, well, you know what happens if you forget your PE kit at school,

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you have to do it in your pants.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-AUDIENCE CHANTS:

-Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it,

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do it, do it, do it,

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do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

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Yeah!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right, boy, I need you to do some star jumps. Off you go.

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-CHEERING

-Keep it coming.

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Keep it coming.

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Keep it coming!

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BELL RINGS

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The bell has gone, that was pathetic.

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You forgot your PE kit and your star jumps made me wanna be sick.

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Withall, you failed PE.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-Headmistress!

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CHEERING AND WOLFWHISTLING

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Someone needs punishing.

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Bend over, boy.

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Right over.

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You naughty little bugger! Say, "Sorry, Headmistress."

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Sorry, Headmistress.

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I didn't quite hear that, boy. Say, "Sorry, Headmistress."

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Tell me how much you love it. Say, "I love it, Headmistress."

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I love it, Headmistress.

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Tell me, "I want to be punished."

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-I want to be punished.

-Louder!

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I want to be punished.

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Ask me to sit on your face.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

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No, no, no, no, no, no.

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OK, thank you, Headmistress.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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It's time for your next class.

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Religious education.

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Withall, why has you come to my RE class in your pants?

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It's headmistress time again.

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-CHEERING

-Oh, by the way, there's a new headmistress,

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that last one's now in prison for GBH.

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Headmistress!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-This boy needs punishing.

-Bend over, boy.

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You naughty, naughty boy!

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Legend, innit.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right, trousers on, good boy.

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Come and sit at your desk.

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Let's get on with your RE class.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, in front of you is three women, all called Mary.

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To pass this class you need to tell me which one of them

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is the virgin Mary.

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Audience, what do you think?

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Three! Two!

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SHOUTING CONTINUES

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Well, the audience have helped you.

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They think it could be either one or two or three.

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What's the fucking point?

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Withall, who do you think is the virgin Mary?

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-Number one.

-Number one.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Will the real virgin Mary make yourself known?

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Hi, I'm Mary and I am a virgin.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Sweetie pie,

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what has gone wrong? You're a virgin, that's crazy.

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-How old is you, baby?

-18.

-18!

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Oh, my gosh, I thought I held back, I waited till I was 11.

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People, let's show some love for the three Marys.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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My man, you have failed RE. It's headmistress time.

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Headmistress!

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Omelette, what is you doing?

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Sorry, I was in the tuck shop.

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You naughty, naughty boy.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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BELL RINGS

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Bell's gone, next class.

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Media studies.

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Now, to get a GCSE in media studies I need you to sit at your desk

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and do fuck all.

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BELL RINGS

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Congratulations, you've not only passed media studies

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you've also earned yourself a media studies degree, yes!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Next class is...

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biology.

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CHEERING

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-Bring out today's experiment.

-CHEERING

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To pass this class, which of these three gorgeous girls...

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was born a man?

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Audience help him out.

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AUDIENCE SHOUTS

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-Number two.

-You're going number two?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Number two, was you born a man?

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Hello. My name is Carman Extravaganza

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and I was born a boy.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Wow. Wow, wow.

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I'm amazed, sweetie pie.

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I am Venus with a penis.

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Ohhh! I'm from Mars

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and I'd love to do you up the arse.

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Let's give it up for these three nice ladies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Withall, you has done pretty well.

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You failed PE, you failed RE, you passed Media Studies

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and you passed biology.

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You is the Lee Nelson Comprehensive proud. Congratulations!

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Off you go behind the bike sheds with the head girl.

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She was born a bloke as well.

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Well, while he's finding that out, pop your nut for Jason Bent!

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Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents

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and we've been given 110% access to his life.

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This is, 110% Bent.

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It's been a bad week for Jason, with defeat for his team

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meaning they sit bottom of the Premier League table.

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Jason how did you see today's game?

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Well, it started off, er, then carried on,

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erm...with a break in the middle, then it was over.

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Disappointing result, though?

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Yeah, but it was one of them games where whoever scored first was always gonna win it,

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and we just extremely unlucky, erm... especially with our fifth, sixth and seventh.

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To be fair, that eighth was unstoppable, erm...and frankly by nine we'd given up.

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You're bottom of the table and it seems it's the defence where the problems lie.

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I think that's unfair to be fair.

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We've only conceded 12 goals all season,

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erm... granted this is the first game of the season.

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You got off with the worst possible start, conceding a penalty in the opening five minutes.

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Yeah, it was disgraceful decision. Erm...the lad's clearly taken a dive.

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Erm...it was a fair challenge and he's gone down like he's been shot.

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I mean, his leg was hardly broken and to be fair to him,

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after me second and third tackle it was proper smashed up.

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I saw you remonstrating with the referee. What exactly did you say to him?

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Yeah, I just wanted to explain how I saw things.

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Erm...I just said, "Referee, you're a prick.

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"Fucking, cheating refereeing prick. Fuck off, you ref prick.

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"You're a fucking refereeing prick."

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As usual, not only not interested in what the players had got to say just waved me away, very disrespectful.

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And you seemed to have a few words as well with the assistant referee?

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I just said, "You're a fucking, cheating assistant refereeing prick. Fuck off,"

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and she started to cry.

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Can you take any positives from today at all?

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Well, obviously my goal.

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Erm...it's always nice to get on the score sheet.

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Erm, ball got crossed and I saw it right,

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just managed to get me head in it and flew into the top corner.

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Erm...I never normally celebrate own goals but that was special.

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Do you think the manager's lost the dressing room?

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No, I don't think so. Erm... he was just in there a minute ago.

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Oi, who's we got in tonight, people?

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Has we got older generation people in the house?

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Give us a cheer if you's over 60.

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Yeah, over there. Well done, sweetie pie for, for hearing.

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Cos a lot of old people slow down, don't they? And that's...

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-Who here's been stuck behind an old person in the car in front.

-CHEERING

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-Who here's stayed patient?

-No.

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Naughty! You gotta show some respect. I know where you're coming from.

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I got stuck behind an old person in the car in front a couple of weeks ago and I tried to stay patient,

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but then I sort of lost it after a while. I was hooting and tooting

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and swearing and shouting. I was like, "Move over, you old wanker!"

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Beep, beep, beep! "Hurry up, you old fucker!"

0:19:340:19:39

It was the wrong thing to do, but it must have been like 15 minutes

0:19:390:19:44

before this hearse finally...

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APPLAUSE

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Sweetie pie, I think the older generation deserve a lot more respect because it was

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different growing up back in the day. It was a harder thing to do.

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No iPods, innit? And just record players! How mental must you lot of looked going jogging.

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-Who's that with you there?

-Both my daughters.

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They still in touch and they help out with the house...

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-Yes.

-..clean it up and tidy it?

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It'll be theirs in a couple of years, won't it?

0:20:180:20:21

Life's changed, innit, baby? Tell us what it was like.

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I'll sit in your lap, innit? What happened?

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Tell us what happened when you was growing up?

0:20:300:20:32

I think we were happy because we didn't know any different, did we?

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You didn't know how shit it was.

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And what else, sweetie pie? What else?

0:20:390:20:42

Well, we were just happy, you know? Happy and content with very little.

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Yeah. You've lost it, haven't you?

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Right, people, you knows what's coming next.

0:20:580:21:00

It's Life Begins with Dr Bob!

0:21:000:21:04

Every second...

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of every minute...

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of every day...

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a new baby is born.

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Screaming is not going to make things better!

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Good.

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We put cameras into the wards of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country...

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Show me the baby!

0:21:270:21:29

-Shit!

-Following Dr Bob...

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-and his team of midwives.

-I've lost my pen!

0:21:330:21:36

It's a baby!

0:21:360:21:39

Life begins with Dr Bob.

0:21:390:21:42

So...first-time parents!

0:21:460:21:49

Little nervous? Yes.

0:21:490:21:52

Well, I always put my first-time parents at ease

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with an explanation of what having a baby is going to be like.

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Yes, you will be in an awful lot of pain

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but it'll only last six hours or so

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before it gets a hell of a lot worse.

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You'll feel like you're trying to squeeze a hippo out of a plughole.

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And you'll try to comfort her, but you won't know what to do or say.

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Frankly for all the good you'll be doing

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you might as well fuck off home.

0:22:170:22:20

Your body will turn into a shapeless lump.

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Your boobies will swing lower than your knees as you endure weeks of painful breastfeeding,

0:22:230:22:28

which you'll have to stop because your baby has chewed off your nipples.

0:22:280:22:33

You'll have sex once a month - if you're lucky -

0:22:330:22:35

which will you force you to visit a prostitute. Here's a card.

0:22:350:22:39

Mention my name, 20% off, card.

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Your baby will suck up every penny you've ever made,

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your lives will be ruined and your relationship in tatters.

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Gosh.

0:22:490:22:52

I've got six of my own.

0:22:520:22:54

I want to fucking kill myself.

0:22:540:22:56

WOMAN GROANS

0:23:000:23:03

Oh, don't cry, dear.

0:23:030:23:06

There's so much worse pain to come.

0:23:060:23:08

Women - they're so weak.

0:23:080:23:12

I'm just going to have a lookie at your daughter's wookie.

0:23:120:23:15

You might want to cover your eyes.

0:23:150:23:17

Yes.

0:23:180:23:20

A-ha. A-ha.

0:23:200:23:24

A-ha. You can uncover your eyes. Right.

0:23:240:23:28

Very little progress. I'm afraid, you're hardly dilated at all,

0:23:280:23:32

maybe...half a centimetre.

0:23:320:23:34

But 20 minutes ago, the midwife said she was nearly six centimetre.

0:23:340:23:39

Ah! Do you know what I've done?

0:23:390:23:41

I've just examined your daughter's poopie shootie. Silly me!

0:23:410:23:46

-WOMAN SCREAMS

-That's it.

0:23:480:23:50

That's it. Push!

0:23:500:23:53

Yes! One last push!

0:23:530:23:56

Yes! Your baby.

0:23:560:23:59

Would you like it to take away, or with rice?

0:23:590:24:05

You're Chinese, right?

0:24:070:24:09

Taiwanese.

0:24:090:24:11

Ah! That didn't work then.

0:24:110:24:15

-Hello, Omelette.

-Hello.

-Do you know what it's time for?

0:24:230:24:27

Aren't you bored of this yet?

0:24:270:24:28

No, I'm not. It's your Peer Pressure Challenge!

0:24:280:24:32

Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

0:24:350:24:38

Omelette, on this wheel is three things

0:24:430:24:47

and at the end of the show, you has to do one of them.

0:24:470:24:50

Omelette, do you fancy...

0:24:500:24:54

having a fit bird fire some paintballs at your massive belly?

0:24:540:24:59

No, I don't actually.

0:25:000:25:03

Is you up...

0:25:030:25:05

for putting a rubber Johnny on your head?

0:25:050:25:08

Don't fancy that, no.

0:25:100:25:13

How's about...

0:25:130:25:14

having a Sumo wrestle with a genuine Sumo wrestler?

0:25:140:25:20

CHEERING

0:25:200:25:21

No, definitely not!

0:25:210:25:23

Well, yous is gonna have to do one of them, mate,

0:25:230:25:26

cos it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge! Spin that wheel!

0:25:260:25:30

Oh! Yes!

0:25:370:25:39

Omelette, you're gonna get battered by a massive Sumo wrestling bird!

0:25:430:25:48

No, I'm not.

0:25:480:25:49

We'll see about that.

0:25:490:25:51

Everyone, let's pressure him into it! Do it! Do it!

0:25:510:25:55

AUDIENCE: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

0:25:550:25:59

You gonna do it now?

0:26:020:26:04

Yeah, all right.

0:26:040:26:05

Yes! We've peer pressured him into it!

0:26:050:26:10

Off you go and get into your Sumo pants!

0:26:100:26:12

Quality.

0:26:150:26:17

Right, who here likes tips?

0:26:170:26:20

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

0:26:200:26:21

Well, yous is gonna love this. It's me Auntie Janet's tips!

0:26:210:26:25

Fishing's a good hobby for every man to have.

0:26:310:26:35

You can come home smelling of fish

0:26:350:26:37

and your wife will never suspect a thing.

0:26:370:26:40

What a knowledgeable woman!

0:26:430:26:44

That, people, is all we've got time for.

0:26:440:26:48

Oh, no!

0:26:480:26:50

But before we go,

0:26:500:26:51

it's time to reveal this week's audience bell end.

0:26:510:26:54

Such a bell end. Brilliant.

0:27:150:27:18

There's just one more thing to come, it's my nan singing!

0:27:180:27:23

Come on down, Nan!

0:27:230:27:26

Thank yous for watching. Thank yous for coming.

0:27:260:27:30

Mwah! Hello, Nan. Who is you gonna be for us tonight, Nan?

0:27:300:27:36

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Missy Elliott.

-Oh, yes!

0:27:360:27:42

Take it away, Nan!

0:27:420:27:45

# Missy be puttin' it down I'm the hottest round

0:27:470:27:50

# Told y'all mutha Can't stop me now

0:27:500:27:52

# Listen to me now I've lasted 20 rounds

0:27:520:27:56

# And if you want me Then come and get me

0:27:560:27:59

# If you want me now The biggie biggie...

0:27:590:28:02

# You dig the way Sw-sw-switched ma style

0:28:020:28:05

# Holla! People sing around

0:28:050:28:07

# People gather round

0:28:070:28:09

# Get your freak on

0:28:090:28:11

# Get your freak on Get your freak on... #

0:28:110:28:13

Give it some! Give it some onto the camera!

0:28:130:28:16

# ..Get your freak on

0:28:160:28:18

# Is that your chick? People you know

0:28:180:28:20

# Me and Timberlake been hot since...

0:28:200:28:23

# What da dilly yo Now what da drilly yo

0:28:230:28:26

# If you wanna battle me then let me know

0:28:260:28:29

# Got the feeling son Get your freak on

0:28:290:28:32

# Get your freak on Get your freak on, get your freak on

0:28:320:28:35

# Getcha, getcha, getcha Get your freak on. #

0:28:350:28:38

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:380:28:41

Email [email protected]

0:28:410:28:44

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