Episode 5 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

-I'm off to do my telly show, you gonna be all right on your own?

-Yeah.

Yeah!

Oh, if you need anything at all just go to the neighbours'.

They're on holiday. You can take what you like!

Later!

This programme contains strong language

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, qualitee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello,

looking nice, girls, yes!

Hello, there's some fake tan!

Geezer, loving that, look at your cardy!

Oh, my gosh, my muscles over here, innit!

Glasses, legend, legend, legend. Spread the love!

Yeah, sort that hair our!

Hello, hello, yeah!

Curly! Loving it, you legend.

Yeah!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show!

I'm Lee Nelson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joining me on my show tonight,

he's gonna have a stroke but he's a top, top bloke,

it's my best mate Omelette!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, my nan is gonna be getting her freak on.

Yes! Hello, Nan.

And I'll be making sure

I never go to the same hairdresser as that bloke over there.

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, qualitee!

Oh, yes!

I am in the mood of my life, let me tell you that for nothing.

I've just had my school reunion.

CHEERING

Yes. I bunked it!

I thought, "Why go back to the same school that treated me so bad,"

you know? I got expelled from that school.

I slashed the headmaster's tyres.

Yeah, pretty funny, actually,

he must have been stuck in his wheelchair about 20 minutes.

I done it on gravel. Proper clever, innit?

I remember the first place I ever got kicked out of,

my teacher caught me smoking weed in the toilets

and he humiliated me.

He phoned my mum up in front of the whole class,

"I caught your boy smoking weed in the toilets.

"You better find your son a new nursery."

See, I weren't like proper sort of brainy and that,

I weren't like that man over there, innit?

He's proper geeky legend, ain't he?

you know the score with the glasses and the wrong clothes.

Come here, you legend, we're just different, innit?

No-one's talked to him for years.

-Shall we find out how clever that man is?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-Shall we do a clever test?

-Yeah!

CHANTING: Clever test, clever test, clever test,

clever test, clever test!

Woo..

Clever test.

OK.

Here's the scenario. You has got £25.50 in your pocket.

You're at the bar with six mates.

Now, can you imagine that?

Obviously not, innit, geezer?

See, I know maths, right, not in a clever way

but in a able to impress your mates way.

I can do sort of tricks with numbers that just fuck with people's heads, you know.

I pick a random person... Oh, you, geez, you up for it?

Little bit? you're sort of... No, OK.

Let's go for this. She looks nicer to do tricks on, innit?

All right, sweetheart,

all you gotta do is tell me, in numbers,

your day, month and year that you was born.

-The day?

-14.

-14. OK, you remember 14.

-Two.

-Two. You remember two.

-1989.

-89. All right, 14, 2, 89.

You...

is legal.

Is you clever, baby? No?

Fucking result.

What you get up to, babe, when you was younger and that? Was you in the Girl Guides?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I thought you was

cos you's tied my heart in a knot.

I made a tent in my pants.

You remind me of my head girl at my school.

Yeah, we had the head girl.

It was nothing official, she was just the best at giving it.

Oh, you look like head boy material, fella.

Come here, you geezer, innit. Not you, your partner.

I thought my school was pretty good, actually. We had a motto -

"Subsisto excarcere."

"Stay out of prison."

Omelette, right, did you go to our school reunion and that?

Yeah, I went for the free sandwiches.

The reunion was 25 quid a ticket.

Them sandwiches weren't free. You wasted your money, you idiot.

No, I didn't, I ate 750 sandwiches.

Legend. Was it nice to catch up with people and that?

I don't know, I was in the toilet all night shitting out my sandwiches.

Unbelievable, that's fucking brilliant.

Oi, my man, listen, I know you's had a good time at your school,

but with all due respect you might have struggled at my school.

you know, you might have got bullied at my school,

No, that's the truth, I would have made sure you got bullied at my school.

Give me your fucking money!

Flashback to fifth form, he shat himself.

Let's find out how you would have actually have got on at my school.

Let's go to Lee Nelson Comprehensive!

# Lee Nelson Comprehensive game. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John Withall, I is gonna give you

four classes to see if you could've handled life at LMC.

If you do well you get to go round the back of the bike sheds

with the head girl.

CHEERING AND WOLF-WHISTLING

Yes!

But if you do badly in any lesson,

you get a visit from the headmistress and a proper spanking.

CHEERING AND WOLFWHISTLING

Your first class...

..Is PE, so I just need you to pop on your PE kit,

and let's get started.

Have you forgotten your PE kit, Withall?

Right, well, you know what happens if you forget your PE kit at school,

you have to do it in your pants.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE CHANTS:

-Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it,

do it, do it, do it,

do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, boy, I need you to do some star jumps. Off you go.

-CHEERING

-Keep it coming.

Keep it coming.

Keep it coming!

BELL RINGS

The bell has gone, that was pathetic.

You forgot your PE kit and your star jumps made me wanna be sick.

Withall, you failed PE.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-Headmistress!

CHEERING AND WOLFWHISTLING

Someone needs punishing.

Bend over, boy.

Right over.

You naughty little bugger! Say, "Sorry, Headmistress."

Sorry, Headmistress.

I didn't quite hear that, boy. Say, "Sorry, Headmistress."

Tell me how much you love it. Say, "I love it, Headmistress."

I love it, Headmistress.

Tell me, "I want to be punished."

-I want to be punished.

-Louder!

I want to be punished.

Ask me to sit on your face.

-AUDIENCE:

-Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

OK, thank you, Headmistress.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time for your next class.

Religious education.

Withall, why has you come to my RE class in your pants?

It's headmistress time again.

-CHEERING

-Oh, by the way, there's a new headmistress,

that last one's now in prison for GBH.

Headmistress!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-This boy needs punishing.

-Bend over, boy.

You naughty, naughty boy!

Legend, innit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, trousers on, good boy.

Come and sit at your desk.

Let's get on with your RE class.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, in front of you is three women, all called Mary.

To pass this class you need to tell me which one of them

is the virgin Mary.

Audience, what do you think?

Three! Two!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Well, the audience have helped you.

They think it could be either one or two or three.

What's the fucking point?

Withall, who do you think is the virgin Mary?

-Number one.

-Number one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Will the real virgin Mary make yourself known?

Hi, I'm Mary and I am a virgin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sweetie pie,

what has gone wrong? You're a virgin, that's crazy.

-How old is you, baby?

-18.

-18!

Oh, my gosh, I thought I held back, I waited till I was 11.

People, let's show some love for the three Marys.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My man, you have failed RE. It's headmistress time.

Headmistress!

Omelette, what is you doing?

Sorry, I was in the tuck shop.

You naughty, naughty boy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

Bell's gone, next class.

Media studies.

Now, to get a GCSE in media studies I need you to sit at your desk

and do fuck all.

BELL RINGS

Congratulations, you've not only passed media studies

you've also earned yourself a media studies degree, yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next class is...

biology.

CHEERING

-Bring out today's experiment.

-CHEERING

To pass this class, which of these three gorgeous girls...

was born a man?

Audience help him out.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

-Number two.

-You're going number two?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Number two, was you born a man?

Hello. My name is Carman Extravaganza

and I was born a boy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Wow, wow.

I'm amazed, sweetie pie.

I am Venus with a penis.

Ohhh! I'm from Mars

and I'd love to do you up the arse.

Let's give it up for these three nice ladies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Withall, you has done pretty well.

You failed PE, you failed RE, you passed Media Studies

and you passed biology.

You is the Lee Nelson Comprehensive proud. Congratulations!

Off you go behind the bike sheds with the head girl.

She was born a bloke as well.

Well, while he's finding that out, pop your nut for Jason Bent!

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is, 110% Bent.

It's been a bad week for Jason, with defeat for his team

meaning they sit bottom of the Premier League table.

Jason how did you see today's game?

Well, it started off, er, then carried on,

erm...with a break in the middle, then it was over.

Disappointing result, though?

Yeah, but it was one of them games where whoever scored first was always gonna win it,

and we just extremely unlucky, erm... especially with our fifth, sixth and seventh.

To be fair, that eighth was unstoppable, erm...and frankly by nine we'd given up.

You're bottom of the table and it seems it's the defence where the problems lie.

I think that's unfair to be fair.

We've only conceded 12 goals all season,

erm... granted this is the first game of the season.

You got off with the worst possible start, conceding a penalty in the opening five minutes.

Yeah, it was disgraceful decision. Erm...the lad's clearly taken a dive.

Erm...it was a fair challenge and he's gone down like he's been shot.

I mean, his leg was hardly broken and to be fair to him,

after me second and third tackle it was proper smashed up.

I saw you remonstrating with the referee. What exactly did you say to him?

Yeah, I just wanted to explain how I saw things.

Erm...I just said, "Referee, you're a prick.

"Fucking, cheating refereeing prick. Fuck off, you ref prick.

"You're a fucking refereeing prick."

As usual, not only not interested in what the players had got to say just waved me away, very disrespectful.

And you seemed to have a few words as well with the assistant referee?

I just said, "You're a fucking, cheating assistant refereeing prick. Fuck off,"

and she started to cry.

Can you take any positives from today at all?

Well, obviously my goal.

Erm...it's always nice to get on the score sheet.

Erm, ball got crossed and I saw it right,

just managed to get me head in it and flew into the top corner.

Erm...I never normally celebrate own goals but that was special.

Do you think the manager's lost the dressing room?

No, I don't think so. Erm... he was just in there a minute ago.

Oi, who's we got in tonight, people?

Has we got older generation people in the house?

Give us a cheer if you's over 60.

Yeah, over there. Well done, sweetie pie for, for hearing.

Cos a lot of old people slow down, don't they? And that's...

-Who here's been stuck behind an old person in the car in front.

-CHEERING

-Who here's stayed patient?

-No.

Naughty! You gotta show some respect. I know where you're coming from.

I got stuck behind an old person in the car in front a couple of weeks ago and I tried to stay patient,

but then I sort of lost it after a while. I was hooting and tooting

and swearing and shouting. I was like, "Move over, you old wanker!"

Beep, beep, beep! "Hurry up, you old fucker!"

It was the wrong thing to do, but it must have been like 15 minutes

before this hearse finally...

APPLAUSE

Sweetie pie, I think the older generation deserve a lot more respect because it was

different growing up back in the day. It was a harder thing to do.

No iPods, innit? And just record players! How mental must you lot of looked going jogging.

-Who's that with you there?

-Both my daughters.

They still in touch and they help out with the house...

-Yes.

-..clean it up and tidy it?

It'll be theirs in a couple of years, won't it?

Life's changed, innit, baby? Tell us what it was like.

I'll sit in your lap, innit? What happened?

Tell us what happened when you was growing up?

I think we were happy because we didn't know any different, did we?

You didn't know how shit it was.

And what else, sweetie pie? What else?

Well, we were just happy, you know? Happy and content with very little.

Yeah. You've lost it, haven't you?

Right, people, you knows what's coming next.

It's Life Begins with Dr Bob!

Every second...

of every minute...

of every day...

a new baby is born.

Screaming is not going to make things better!

Good.

We put cameras into the wards of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country...

Show me the baby!

-Shit!

-Following Dr Bob...

-and his team of midwives.

-I've lost my pen!

It's a baby!

Life begins with Dr Bob.

So...first-time parents!

Little nervous? Yes.

Well, I always put my first-time parents at ease

with an explanation of what having a baby is going to be like.

Yes, you will be in an awful lot of pain

but it'll only last six hours or so

before it gets a hell of a lot worse.

You'll feel like you're trying to squeeze a hippo out of a plughole.

And you'll try to comfort her, but you won't know what to do or say.

Frankly for all the good you'll be doing

you might as well fuck off home.

Your body will turn into a shapeless lump.

Your boobies will swing lower than your knees as you endure weeks of painful breastfeeding,

which you'll have to stop because your baby has chewed off your nipples.

You'll have sex once a month - if you're lucky -

which will you force you to visit a prostitute. Here's a card.

Mention my name, 20% off, card.

Your baby will suck up every penny you've ever made,

your lives will be ruined and your relationship in tatters.

Gosh.

I've got six of my own.

I want to fucking kill myself.

WOMAN GROANS

Oh, don't cry, dear.

There's so much worse pain to come.

Women - they're so weak.

I'm just going to have a lookie at your daughter's wookie.

You might want to cover your eyes.

Yes.

A-ha. A-ha.

A-ha. You can uncover your eyes. Right.

Very little progress. I'm afraid, you're hardly dilated at all,

maybe...half a centimetre.

But 20 minutes ago, the midwife said she was nearly six centimetre.

Ah! Do you know what I've done?

I've just examined your daughter's poopie shootie. Silly me!

-WOMAN SCREAMS

-That's it.

That's it. Push!

Yes! One last push!

Yes! Your baby.

Would you like it to take away, or with rice?

You're Chinese, right?

Taiwanese.

Ah! That didn't work then.

-Hello, Omelette.

-Hello.

-Do you know what it's time for?

Aren't you bored of this yet?

No, I'm not. It's your Peer Pressure Challenge!

Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge!

Omelette, on this wheel is three things

and at the end of the show, you has to do one of them.

Omelette, do you fancy...

having a fit bird fire some paintballs at your massive belly?

No, I don't actually.

Is you up...

for putting a rubber Johnny on your head?

Don't fancy that, no.

How's about...

having a Sumo wrestle with a genuine Sumo wrestler?

CHEERING

No, definitely not!

Well, yous is gonna have to do one of them, mate,

cos it's Omelette's Peer Pressure Challenge! Spin that wheel!

Oh! Yes!

Omelette, you're gonna get battered by a massive Sumo wrestling bird!

No, I'm not.

We'll see about that.

Everyone, let's pressure him into it! Do it! Do it!

AUDIENCE: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

You gonna do it now?

Yeah, all right.

Yes! We've peer pressured him into it!

Off you go and get into your Sumo pants!

Quality.

Right, who here likes tips?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, yous is gonna love this. It's me Auntie Janet's tips!

Fishing's a good hobby for every man to have.

You can come home smelling of fish

and your wife will never suspect a thing.

What a knowledgeable woman!

That, people, is all we've got time for.

Oh, no!

But before we go,

it's time to reveal this week's audience bell end.

Such a bell end. Brilliant.

There's just one more thing to come, it's my nan singing!

Come on down, Nan!

Thank yous for watching. Thank yous for coming.

Mwah! Hello, Nan. Who is you gonna be for us tonight, Nan?

-Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Missy Elliott.

-Oh, yes!

Take it away, Nan!

# Missy be puttin' it down I'm the hottest round

# Told y'all mutha Can't stop me now

# Listen to me now I've lasted 20 rounds

# And if you want me Then come and get me

# If you want me now The biggie biggie...

# You dig the way Sw-sw-switched ma style

# Holla! People sing around

# People gather round

# Get your freak on

# Get your freak on Get your freak on... #

Give it some! Give it some onto the camera!

# ..Get your freak on

# Is that your chick? People you know

# Me and Timberlake been hot since...

# What da dilly yo Now what da drilly yo

# If you wanna battle me then let me know

# Got the feeling son Get your freak on

# Get your freak on Get your freak on, get your freak on

# Getcha, getcha, getcha Get your freak on. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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